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Monday, April 16, 2012
In, Solomon on Sex, we study the Song of Solomon, a frequently ignored Old
Testament book. It is a book of poetic snapshots that give us a window into the
relationship between King Solomon and his first wife, the Shulammite. The first
half of the book teaches about their dating, courting and wedding. The second
half of the book chronicles the joys and struggles of marriage.
The Song of Solomon is packed with practical guidance for all stages of love and
romance.
In addition to the teaching this book, my wife Cindy and I took questions on sex,
love and romance from the church and community. We answered these in the
worship service and on the www.solomononsex.com web site. We included
these questions and answers in this book.
I hope you are brought closer to Christ as you follow the studies of Faith Church
through this book.
For this work, I owe a debt of gratitude to many. First, I want to thank Mark
Driscoll who preached a similar series. It inspired the idea for this one.
I would also like to thank Sheryl Fastenow, my secretary, for her tireless editorial
work. I have special thanks for Kiley Seligman. She is an additional editor who
reviewed the manuscripts. Her keen editorial skills are a blessing. Thank you for
serving Christ with me.
Finally, I would also like to thank the Faith Church family. Not every church is
mature enough to study this book. Your desire to sacrifice traditional church
comfort to bring Christ to our culture warms my heart. I love you guys!
Kurt
_____________________________
Dr. Kurt Trucksess - Sr. Pastor
Faith Church - EFCA
2805 Erie Ave.
Spirit Lake, IA 51360
712-336-3537 (office)
http://www.faithefree.com
http://www.Christ2Rculture.com
Is it sinful to be sterilized?".......................................................163
Works Referenced"................................................191
January 8, 2011
Good morning Faith family. If you are new, my name is Kurt. I am one of
the pastors. Today we finally get to rock n roll on our new series called Solomon
on Sex. This will be fun. It will be very fun. I expect this series will take at least
three months, but I havent decided how long it will go. We will see how this
unfolds.
This morning, I want to give you some background on our culture and sex.
I also want to give you an overview of the Bible and sex. Next week we will get
to the Song of Solomon. At the end of the message, Cindy and I will answer a
few of the questions you submitted through the solomononsex.com website.
There is a lot to cover so let us dive in.
How should I think about sex?
There are three ways people have viewed sex both inside and outside the
church.
1. Sex is God - Sex is worshipped. You put your money into it. You put your
time into it. You put your energy into it. Your identity comes from it, and your
whole life is about sex.
2. Sex is Gross - This is the ultra-fundamentalistic church youth group view of
sex. It is dirty, nasty, wrong. It is an overreaction to the world.
3. Sex is a Gift - This is realizing sex is a gift God gives us to treasure, to
cherish, to steward, to enjoy and within marriage, to share.
Sex is god.
Worship of sex is nothing new. In the Old Testament, the Jewish nation
was an island in a sea of cultures that treated sex like religion. For example, the
Canaanites had gross stuff going on with their gods and goddesses.
Archaeologists tell us most of them were pictured naked. Worship in their
temples involved people getting together for illicit sex. That is how they did
church. They had prostitutes in the temple to help you worship. The Old
Testament world was not much different from our own and in some ways it was
far worse than our own. Fast forward to the New Testament.
The Greek culture was dominant in the first century and it heavily
influenced the Roman Empire. It was extremely perverted. For example, it was
acceptable for older men to be with young boys in inappropriate ways. It was just
acceptable in that culture. Today, we call that pedophilia, and we lock people up
who do that.
In addition, many of the temples in Greek and Roman society had sex as
part of their worship. For example, the city of Corinth had the temple of
Aphrodite. It housed a thousand temple prostitutes that aided the worshipping
I found these quotes humorous. I hope you did too. Next week, we will open up
the Song of Solomon and see marital sexuality as God intended.
4Adapted from Sylvanus Stall, D. D., What a Young Husband Ought to Know (Philadelphia: The
Vir Publishing Company, 1907). pp. 79, 91, 95.
16http://www.independent.co.uk/news/science/the-science-of-love-look-into-the-
eyes-399290.html
They are...
1. Words - Some people like to talk. The more we talk, the more we visit. The
more we look one another in the eye, e-mail, text message, phone call,
encourage, and talk; the more loved we feel.
2. Gifts - Some of you like to receive gifts. You want big gifts like a new car, for
others of you, it is small gifts like flowers. By the way, Cindy likes gifts.
Thankfully she is cheap and likes flowers and Reeses Peanut Butter Cups.
Sometimes when I see a Reeses at the checkout line in Wal-mart, I buy one
for her. I know chocolate makes her feel loved.
3. Service - For others, it is acts of service. Help me! The house is a wreck.
The dishes are in the sink. The garbage is overflowing. Get off of the couch,
turn off the TV and put dishes in the dishwasher. I would really feel loved if
you would just serve me. I dont want you to talk to me and tell me you love
me, show me you love me by helping in the house.
4. Time - Some of you feel loved not by doing anything with your loved one.
You just want to be with them. The questions you ask are: Can we just sit
together? When do we get us time? When do we get alone time? I never
get to see you, when can we have more time?
5. Touch - These couples are always holding hands and giving neck rubs. Tell
me you love me by touching me. This is my love language
(Kurt). This Christmas the family gift was one of those
industrial strength back massagers. It has two handles and
weighs at least five pounds. It shakes you so hard your
teeth chatter, but I love it! When Cindy uses it on me I am
looser than Jello. What can I say..... my love language is
touch!
Discuss your love language with your spouse. They need to know the best way
to compliment you.
17John Harlow and Brendan Montague, Scientists Discover True Love, The London Times, 4
January 2009, at http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/relationships/
article5439805.ece (accessed 8 January 2009).
20 David Jeremiah, Song of Solomon: What the Bible Says About Love, Sex and Marriage, pg. 65.
21 Joseph Dillow, Solomon on Sex, pg. 30.
The September 16, 2005 issue of the Washington Post had an article entitled
Half of all teens have Had Oral Sex. The article quotes a government study that
shows slightly more than half of American teenagers ages 15 to 19 have
engaged in oral sex. The proportion increases to about 70% of 18 and 19 year
olds. Today, teenagers just dont see oral sex as sex. As adults, it is our job to
teach our kids the blessings of absolute purity for their wedding night. It is not
our job to pretend our children dont have sexual desires. It is our job to cast a
vision for joy of keeping them for the proper place and time.
Statistically between 1960 to 2010 the couples living together in the U.S. rose
from 439,000 to five million. 10% of couples lived together before marriage in
1960, today it is 50%. A quarter of unmarried women ages 25 to 39 are presently
living with a man to whom they are not married. Half of all women will live with a
man before marriage. What are the results?
You have a higher divorce rate if you live together before you are married (67%
vs. 45%)
A woman who lives with a man before marriage is 3 times more likely to suffer
from depression.
She is twice as likely to be beaten.
She is nine times more likely to be murdered.
Virgins who marry have a high level of marital satisfaction.
Of 100 cohabitating couples, 85 break up before 10 years together.
Men and women who live together are more likely to cheat on one another.
22http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/09/15/AR2005091500915.html?
nav=rss_email/components
23 http://www.amfmonline.com/pdfs/LivingtogetherStatisticalRisk.pdf
26
Your Affectionately, John Wesley: The Rev John Wesley and His Correspondents (Museum of
Methodism, Wesleys Chapel, 49 City Road, London EC1Y 1AU, March 2003), pg. 16.
27 Akin, D. (2003). God on sex: The Creator's ideas about love, intimacy, and marriage. Nashville, TN: Broadman &
Holman Publishers. Chapter 6
28 Ibid.
29 Akin, D. (2003). God on sex: The Creator's ideas about love, intimacy, and marriage. Nashville, TN: Broadman &
Holman Publishers. Chapter 7
31 Karen Peterson, Wedded to Relationship but Not to Marriage, USA Today, 18 April 2000.
32 David Popenoe, Cohabitation: The Marriage Enemy, USA Today, 28 July 2000.
33
Brian Holman, Co-habiting First May not Improve Marriage, Scripps Howard Foundation
Wire, 5 August 2000.
34 Murray Dubin, A Mission to Remedy Marriage, Philadelphia Inquirer, 6 August 2000.
35Robert T. Michael, John H. Gagnon, and Edward O. Lauman, Sex in America: A Definitive
Survey (Boston: Little, Brown & Co., 1994), 124.
36 Ibid, pg. 124.
37Lee Robins and Darrel Regier, Psychiatric Disorders in America: The Epidemiologic Catchment
Area Study (New York: Free Press, 1991), 72.
What did everyonei.e., the baby boomersexpect? As the unmarried mother of a new baby, I
am the object of much indignant scrutiny among the older generations, who seem to have
conveniently forgotten the past 30 years, in which almost everyone I know has been emotionally
pummeled in some way by divorce. As my boyfriend asked at a recent family gathering, while
playing a board game in which you have to prompt the other players to supply a particular word:
What must you do before you get married? The answer, of course: get divorced. My father and
his wife thought this was hilarious. And yet aging boomers seem shocked and befuddled that
someone would choose to avoid the whole swampy mess of broken vows and failed traditions
that theyve left in their wake....
The worst is from my parents. Marriage is very important, my mother said. It establishes a bond
that you just cant get otherwise. I wanted to argue with her, but she was getting ready to leave
the country with her new husband. They spend their summers at their cottage up in Nova Scotia,
a good 20-hour trip away from the rest of us. Studies show that married couples are better off
financially than single people, my fathers youngish second wife insisted. Its probably true that
she is better off financially since marrying my father, but I wasnt sure how that applied to me.
When my boyfriend and I looked into getting married, we found out that we would pay an extra
$2,000 each year in taxes.
If marriage is risky, doomed and expensive, well, why bother? You just should, my father offered
in that magnanimous, aint-life-grand manner he developed shortly after re-entering the singles
scene when I was a teenager. My father is big on the shoulds of life, with some reason. He has
always done everything he was supposed to, even as a divorced father; he never even bad-
mouthed my mom (nor did she ever trash him, for that matter). But the fact that my parents
divorced welland they really diddoesnt grant them immunity from their actions. The fact that
my uncles and aunts and grandparents and family friends felt they had absolutely no choice other
than to divorce doesnt change the outcome. They still got divorced, all of them. They still showed
my generation, by example and by forcing us to go along with their example, that marriage was
something easily and amicably exited from. Marriage, they said, was not that big of a deal.
Premarital sex is fine. (Or at least thats what they implied when they presented their boyfriends
and girlfriends at the breakfast tablebefore we were even out of high school.) Families, they
said, do not need to stay together if things become too boring.
I would have more sympathy for divorced people if their lives had improved by getting out of
terrible marriages that (apparently) couldnt be survived for another moment. But the ones Im
familiar with continue to associate with flawed human beings. These second and third marriages
still seem to require work, and still have shortcomings. My mother and father, for example, still
struggle with the same issues that plagued their marriage to each other. The only difference is,
older and wiser, they both seem more willing to compromise, to sacrifice and to accept. I am not
whining about or regretting the events of the last three decades. When my parents divorced in the
late 70s, we children went along with it like troupers. When they started bringing home boyfriends
and girlfriends in the 80s, we ultimately accepted these new people into our family. Sometimes,
the new people went away. And we dealt with the divorces and separations all over again. And
accepted the new people all over again. Fine. Exhausting, but fine. Its a wonder we 18- to 35-
year-olds even have the energy to date. (And maybe some of us dont.) But for myself, the
scattered, patchwork concept of family I grew up with has only increased my quest for
commitment. Ive seen firsthand the pain and futility of divorce culture and I dont intend to relive
it, or to drag my children through the nightmare of watching their parents flirt with strangers. My
decision not to marry does not indicate a desire for a life of debauchery and half-formed
commitments. Quite the opposite but we have no fantasies about coasting through the next 50
38 Larissa Phillips, The Case Against Matrimony. This article first appeared in Salon.com, at http://www.salon.com. An on-line version remains in the Salon archives. Reprinted with permission.
39Robert T. Michael, John H. Gagnon, and Edward O. Lauman, Sex in America: A Definitive
Survey (Boston: Little, Brown & Co., 1994), 124.
Before answering the following questions, break your group up into men
and women.
41 David Jeremiah, What the Bible Says About Love, Marriage and Sex. pg. 173.
42 Bob Turnbull, What Your Wife Really Needs, Marriage Partnership (Fall 1999).
Good morning Faith family. We are in the 11th week of the Solomon on
Sex series. In this series, we follow the ups and downs in the relationship
between Solomon and his first wife, the Shulammite, as described in the Song of
Solomon.
Since so many of you are new, let me take a moment to bring everyone up
to date in their story. Solomon and his wife are having marital struggles. He is
working late and not giving her the attention she craves. Feeling frustrated, she
dreams of revenge. She considered locking her bedroom door. When he came
home after work and was looking for intimacy in the middle of the night, she
would deny him by giving lame excuses.
In her dream, even though she feels like she wants to frustrate him, she
knows it is not the right way to handle her husband. Her little plan of revenge
wouldnt draw them together. It would tear them further apart. In her dream she
pictured him emotionally crushed and leaving their home in the middle of the
night out of frustration.
In her dream, she repented of her plans for revenge. She hunted him
down. She found him walking in a garden praying to God about what to do with
his troubled marriage. Thankfully, in her dream, they recovered from their marital
wipeout. She told her friends how much she loved him. He told her how much
he loves her.
While everything ended happily in the dream, the question remains; what
will happen in reality? She is still frustrated. He is still gone most of the day and
into the night.
That brings us to Song of Solomon 6:11, the verse we pick up with this
morning. Let me prepare you for this text. The remainder of chapter 6 is some of
the most difficult text to understand in the book. When we enter chapter 7, we
encounter the most erotic and sexually explicit verses in the entire Bible. So this
morning is a mixture of difficulty and excitement. If you still have children in the
service, they need to leave right now. I am not going to pay the therapist bill
when they learn where they came from.
Lets begin by putting our finger in the most difficult section of the book,
and I will try my best to explain it.
What makes this section difficult is deciphering who is speaking. For
example, the NIV (New International Version) credits these words to Solomon.
The ESV (English Standard Version) credits these words to the Shulammite. I
43 Joseph Dillow, Solomon on Sex, pg. 133; D. Akin, God on Sex, chapter 11.
44 Akin, D. (2003). God on sex: The Creator's ideas about love, intimacy, and marriage. Nashville, TN: Broadman &
Holman Publishers., chapter 12.
The druggist sold him his three boxes of candy, and the young man went home. In preparation for
the date, he did all the things a man, young or old, married or unmarried, should do before a date.
He took a shower and used shampoo and soap. He brushed his teeth and used mouthwash. He
put on deodorant and cologne, as well as nice clean clothes.
After arriving at his dates home and visiting for a while in the family room, they went into the
dining room for dinner. The father asked the young man to say the blessing, and boy did he. He
prayed fifteen minutes for the meal! When he finished, his date looked at him and said, I had no
idea you were so spiritual. The young man looked back at her and said, Yes, and I had no idea
your daddy was the druggist either!
It is important for a parent to ensure the lines of communication with their child in
this area are open and honest. A parent must remain aware of questions their
children have and speak to their children with frank biblical wisdom.
A parent should never shame or embarrass their child while speaking on this
subject. They should be treated as an emerging adult. As a general rule,
discussion with children should begin at a very young age concerning
inappropriate touch. This helps a child prevent sexual abuse. See
www.kidsneedtoknow.com. This discussion should grow to include discussion on
romantic and other physical touch by the time the child is age 10. It is healthy for
children to see appropriate marital hugging and kissing between their parents.
Their first introduction to marital intimacy should be the basic affection they see
demonstrated by their parents.
Sexual discussion with a child should include teaching on the changes their
bodies will undergo as they reach puberty. The discussion should include
teaching on how sex is reserved for a married man and woman and how it is
beautiful inside the marriage covenant.
If your child has a trust in Gods Word, your words will be supported when your
children can see they align with the Bible. Use Scripture to support your teaching
when possible.
Sadly, the average boy sees his first internet pornography by age eleven, which
means waiting until later than age ten is often too late to establish a solid biblical
foundation for sexuality. By age eleven, the first bricks are already laid by the
world.
Every Christian married couple should cover their marriage with prayer, including
the children God may bless them with. In prayer, the couple is demonstrating
their belief in the goodness and sovereignty of God over all things, including the
womb.
Some Christian couples determine to only use prayer as their family planning
method. As a result, they simply enjoy normal marital relations and trust that if
God wants them to have a child, they will. When this method is chosen, family
planning is simply prayer and trusting God with the results.
Sometimes this form of family planning is pushed as the only acceptable method.
When that is insisted upon for all Christians, it seems to fall beyond the bounds
of Scripture.
Like the natural methods, non-abortive birth control methods also seek to
influence the timing of conception but do so by taking either temporary or
permanent measures.
The pill is a categorical term for more than forty types of oral contraceptives,
which are also referred to as birth control pills. They contain a mixture of
estrogen and progestin. These hormonal contraceptives are designed to
override the female bodys normal cycle and trick the brain into believing a
woman is already pregnant, thus preventing the release of the egg from the
ovaries.
Does any of this prevent a problem? The first two purposes of birth control pills
are contraceptive in nature and are therefore acceptable for use by a Christian
couple. The third function of birth control pills is potentially abortive in that it
seeks to disrupt the ongoing life of a fertilized egg. This third, abortive, function
of the pill is not clearly communicated by many of the companies producing the
pill. Because of this abortive function, the use of the pill has become increasingly
controversial for Christians.
Abortion is taking a human life by killing a fertilized egg. This is also known as
the sin of murder. Abortion includes medical procedures of various kinds as well
as RU-486, also known as the morning after pill. Other items which cause
abortions are the intrauterine device (IUD) which irritates the uterine lining so a
fertilized egg can not plant into the uterine wall. Norplant is also another abortive
method.
It may seem odd for me, as a Pastor, to discuss the type of birth control.
Tragically many people, including Christians, use abortion as a form of birth
control.
One very important thing to remember is that it is not hopeless. God can heal us
from anything and we know couples who have worked through some pretty
amazing things and come out on the other side. They totally love each other and
walk with the Lord. God wants to heal marriages no matter what the sin done to
one another and sexual sin is no different.
This kind of situation still takes time to fix. There must be confession where we
admit that we were wrong. We tell the person and the spouse that what weve
done was wrong. Then there is repentance, which is a change of heart and mind
so theres a change of action. Then there is reconciliation which is learning to
build trust. This all takes time.
Sometimes the worst thing is when Christians just say, they forgive each other,
dont deal with the hurt, and they attempt to move on. Sexual sin damages the
very foundation of a marriage. A couple needs to begin again and lay a new
foundation in their marriage. That doesnt mean they need to get divorced. It
means they need to start over, go back to the basics of Christ and the basics of
their commitment to one another.
If this is something you have gone through, please talk to one of the pastors or
elders before you leave. We would like to help. We can also connect you with
professional counseling to help you rebuild.
A passage that deals with the way marital intimacy influences prayer life is 1
Peter 3:7.
Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor
to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of
life, so that your prayers may not be hindered. 1 Peter 3:7 (ESV)
It tells husbands to not be harsh with their wives. Dont yell at your wife. Dont
be harsh with her. Dont intimidate her. Dont embarrass her in public. Dont
share things about her with your friends behind her back. If you do, God is not
going to come along and help you by answering your prayers.
As a man, you might be asking God to help you do a better job at work and to
make more money. God says, that until you love your wife, Im not going to bless
your life. So if you love your wife, I can bless your life. If you dont love your
wife, Im not going to bless your life.
If you are in sexual sin, it is not that God cant literally hear you. It is that God
wont bless you.
Many times, it is only through brokenness that we turn to God and pursue purity.
The first look is often not sin. It is the second look and/or the lingering look
where sin enters in.
A great example from Scripture is the time Joseph literally ran from the sexual
advances of a married woman in Genesis 39. The Scriptures repeatedly tell us
to run from sexual temptation. Trying to stand your ground and resist is
foolhardy.
Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the
body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body. 1 Corinthians
6:18 (ESV)
So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along
with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart. 2 Timothy 2:22 (ESV)
It is worth noting that the wisest man in the world (Solomon) and the strongest
man in the world (Samson) were both tripped up by sexual temptation. It doesnt
matter how smart or how strong you are, everyone is vulnerable to sexual
temptation. The wisest approach is to flee from it, not assume you are
impervious to it.
This means avoiding situations that inflame your sexual passions. It may mean
getting rid of cable television. It may mean avoiding particular individuals that
you know are expressing an interest in you. Cultivating the relationship would be
sinful.
You have heard that it was said, You shall not commit adultery. But I say to you
that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed
adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and
throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your
whole body be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off
Jesus is not telling us to literally gouge out our eye or cut off our hand. He is
telling us to be willing to get radical when dealing with things that cause us to sin.
At the risk of pointing out the obvious, pornography exists primarily for the
purpose of masturbation. Porn and masturbation is not just a male issue but is
also something women struggle with. While no survey that I am aware of has
discovered a culture where more women masturbate than men, it is still a
struggle for both genders.
The Janus Report on Sexual Behavior and Sex in America indicates that
masturbation is frequent
Many Christian pastors have tried in vain to find a mention of masturbation in the
Scripture so they can condemn it. Unable to find any verses on the matter, some
have used the story of Onan in Genesis 38:6-10 as their proof text. This is
unfortunate. The story of Onan says nothing about masturbation. Instead, the
story is about a man who died, leaving his wife a childless widow. The dead
mans brother was then expected to marry his widowed sister-in-law, have normal
sexual relations with her, and enable her to have children. Although Onan was
happy to have sex with his sister-in-law, he would pull out of her just prior to his
orgasm and ejaculate on the ground rather than obey God and become a father.
This is about a man neglecting his responsibilities, not about masturbation.
The question remains, is it permissible for Gods people to masturbate? Yes and
no. It must be noted that the Bible does not condemn masturbation outright. The
Bibles silence on the matter should cause us to avoid calling something a sin
God does not. We must examine this issue with the following questions.
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away;
behold, the new has come. 2 Corinthians 5:17 (ESV)
Guilt - As a husband, you will feel guilt and shame for not waiting until your
wedding night. You will never be able to give your wife your body exclusively
because your virginity was given away. It may be hard to forgive yourself. You
need to accept that Jesus died for the sin of your premarital sex. The sin was put
to death with Jesus (Col 2:14). Jesus now looks at you as a new creation, you
need to see yourself as Jesus has recreated you to be.
Insecurity - A wife, who may be naturally insecure, may have a hard time
believing her husband is captivated by her alone. This is especially true when a
husband confesses to her his struggles with guilt and images from a previous
relationship. She will wonder if he is dwelling on intimate memories of her or a
previous woman in place of her. Discuss these feelings with your spouse rather
than letting Satan use them to draw you apart.
How can someone find healing from the sin of premarital sex?
Talk - Prior to marriage, you need to be honest with your future spouse about all
your previous sexual experiences. You need to confess them to God and to your
spouse. When you marry, your spouse should know all there is to know and to
be confessed. Dont hide this. Let them know the real you. The physical
nakedness of the wedding night must be proceeded by the emotional nakedness
of complete honesty between the two of you. On your wedding night, there
If you are struggling to forgive your spouse from their premarital sexual
experiences, it helps to remember you are not being asked to forgive them of
something which Christ has not already forgiven. If Christ views them as a new
creation, you have no right to view them as something different.
This strong sex drive should motivate boys to grow into men. Testosterone
should not focus a man toward pornography and fornication but focus him toward
courage, hard work, maturity and marriage. Letting your testosterone lead you
into promiscuity where you take a woman before her wedding night and become
intimate with her is stealing from her husband intimacies that should be his alone.
Premarital sex is a boy acting in childishness, not a man acting in godliness,
patience, discipline, and maturity. If that is you, repent.
Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer,
a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated
always in her love. Why should you be intoxicated, my son, with a forbidden
woman and embrace the bosom of an adulteress? For a mans ways are before
the eyes of the Lord, and he ponders all his paths. The iniquities of the wicked
ensnare him, and he is held fast in the cords of his sin. He dies for lack of
discipline, and because of his great folly he is led astray. Proverbs 5:1823
(ESV)
If he refuses to give up sex until the wedding night, you dont need a wedding.
You need to break up. He is more in love with sex than he is with you. He is not
willing to honor you, he is interested in using you.
The Bible is clear about how we treat someone of the opposite sex before
marriage.
The Bible has much more to say about purity before marriage besides this. We
will cover more about this later in the series. I think both of you know the right
thing to do. It is just a matter of courage to do it.
Let me say a word to this guy. This should not be something on which your
fianc leads. If you are going to be a godly man, you need to lead in this. If you
arent man enough to honor your fianc before marriage, you wont honor her
after marriage.
You are not loving and cherishing your fianc as Christ loves the church and
gave himself up for her. You arent giving yourself up for your future wife, you are
using her. This is sin.
Yes, you can repent and be transformed in this area but it means you must take
this seriously and pursue honoring Christ in this issue.
Why wouldnt a wife want to enjoy sex as a God given gift? Sometimes
there are deeper issues, such as abuse in a womans past. Perhaps she was
raped or molested as a child. This has given her a distorted view of sex. Maybe
she sees sex as dirty and not as a gift from God. This needs to be talked about
with a professional counselor.
It is important for a wife to realize that withholding sexually from her husband is
not just a preference, it is sin. This husband is obviously experiencing pain and
frustration. The wife is causing him that pain. She is not serving him and loving
him. Sex in marriage should not be a source of frustration for either partner. It
should be a source of joy. If you were sexually sinned against, dont pass on the
hurt to your spouse and sin against them. The Bible is clear about the
importance of a husband and wife having an active sex life where they serve one
another sexually.
The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to
her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the
husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body,
but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for
a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together
again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 1
Corinthians 7:35 (ESV)
If you are not having intimacy frequently enough that both people are satisfied,
there are problems that begin to develop.
Bitterness - You start to despise your spouse, because you are expecting
sexual frustration, not sexual satisfaction.
I have met couples where the wife uses sex as a tool for manipulation. She
essentially says, If I dont get what I want, you wont get what you want. That is
very disrespectful. It is a form of marital prostitution where sex is paid for not by
money, but by chores and favors. That is a sin that needs repentance. Marital
sexuality is a means of blessing our spouse, not manipulating them.
You shall not lie with a male as with a woman; it is an abomination. Leviticus
18:22 (ESV)
The source of homosexual passion is God allowing people to rebel against him.
It is sourced in the rejection of God in a persons life.
For this reason God gave them up to dishonorable passions. For their women
exchanged natural relations for those that are contrary to nature; and the men
likewise gave up natural relations with women and were consumed with passion
for one another, men committing shameless acts with men and receiving in
themselves the due penalty for their error. Romans 1:2627 (ESV)
I have counseled homosexuals who have come to Christ. The Holy Spirit and
Gods Word have convicted them of the sinfulness in their homosexual actions.
While they understand homosexual desire is not the sexual desire God intends
for them to have, they still struggle with same sex attraction. In repentance, they
have chosen to not act out their homosexual desires but to live celibate lives and
avoid situations that tempt them to sin. This is no different from a heterosexual
who has strong sexual passions toward the opposite sex choosing to honor God
by living in celibacy until marriage. Heterosexual marriage is the only place God
gives for us to express and fulfill our sexual desires. Homosexual marriage is not
an option (see Genesis 2:18-25)
Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do
not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor
men who practice homosexuality, 1 Corinthians 6:9 (ESV)
It should be noted that 1 Corinthians 6:9 doesnt talk about those who have
strong heterosexual attraction, but those who express it outside of marriage
(sexual immorality and adultery). In the same way, it is not talking about those
who have homosexual attraction but those who act it out (who practice
homosexuality).
If sexual sin is something you struggle with, thank God for Jesus Christ who
washes us clean from our sinful sexual choices.
The Bible is clear that children are not to be considered a burden but rather a
reward from God.
Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward.
Psalm 127:3 (ESV)
Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of ones youth. Blessed is
the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he
speaks with his enemies in the gate. Psalm 127:45 (ESV)
While sterilization is not wrong, and at times may be an appropriate choice for
medical reasons, the world around us encourages it early and to help keep
families small. A Christian couple who makes that choice may be unwittingly
denying themselves blessing and reward from the Lord.
Rosalind P. Petchesky, Reproduction, Ethics, and Public Policy: The Federal Sterilization Regulations,
45
46 MacArthur, J. F., Jr. (1981). The Fulfilled Family. Chicago: Moody Press.
No wife should have this kind of thing done if she intends to attract the attention
of men other than her husband. No wife should do this if she is consumed with
making herself perfect. As always, a woman is responsible to dress and act in
such a way that is not seductive.
I fear that when I come again my God may humble me before you, and I may have to
mourn over many of those who sinned earlier and have not repented of the impurity,
sexual immorality, and sensuality that they have practiced. 2 Corinthians 12:21 (ESV)
One of the best resources to help in your struggle for victory over this sin is The
Purity Principle by Randy Alcorn. It is found on the resource page of the
solomononsex.com site.
When you talk with your spouse about this sin, do not blame them. Accept your
responsibility.
In addition, both of you will most likely need to get help from a pastor or Christian
counselor.
The Bible commands sex in Christian marriages to be frequent enough that both
individuals are satisfied, not just the spouse with the lower libido.
For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does.
Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife
does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited
time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so
that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 1 Corinthians
7:45 (ESV)
Beyond the biblical teaching on this subject, studies indicate the average couple
enjoys intimacy once to twice a week.47 These statistics span couples of all ages
with younger couples enjoying intimacy much more frequently than older
couples.
47 http://www.marriagemissions.com/how-much-sex-is-normal/
Numerous studies I checked show oral sex as a common activity between both
married and unmarried couples.
Oral sex is only acceptable between a married couple. Despite being 3,000
years old and written in a highly conservative culture, some Bible scholars find
references to this activity in the Song of Solomon. Poetic references are found in
Song of Solomon 2:3, 4:12-5:1; 7:2. For a husband and wife, this is an
acceptable act of foreplay, though it shouldnt develop into a frequent substitute
for normal sexual relations.
Anal sex is increasingly discussed, accepted and practiced in our culture by both
men and women. This is likely due to the increased pornographic and
sexualized nature of our society. More than 40 percent of men ages 25 to 59
claim to have engaged in anal sex with a woman at least once in their lifetime.49
Younger adults are far more likely to engage in this activity than older adults.50
Like oral sex, anal sex needs to be defined as sex and is forbidden outside of
marriage (1 Timothy 5:2)
There is no clear text that forbids this activity in the Bible. Some think Genesis
19, which references the sexual activities in Sodom, prohibits anal sex. The sin
of Sodom was not anal sex between a husband and wife, but rather homosexual
sex between men, which the Bible clearly forbids (Lev. 18:22; 20:13; Rom. 1:26
27; 1 Cor. 6:911; 1 Tim. 1:910; Jude 17).
The question remains, is this type of sexual activity helpful? This part of the body
contains no natural lubrication. It is also a delicate part of the body that tears
more easily and can become infected if torn. Homosexuals are known to suffer
undesirable side effects from penetration in this area. Many Christian couples
have chosen that while there is no clear teaching against this activity in Scripture,
the risks are too great. It is an activity in which they do not participate.
Reece et al., Sexual Behaviors, Relationships, and Perceived Health Among Adult Men in the United
50
States, 291304.
Sometimes you cant change jobs. There are some jobs that will come
between a married couples love life. There is nothing you can do to stop it. My
friends in the military experience this. They are deployed for a year. Skype or
FaceTime are the closest they are with their wife for a year. That is the nature of
the job.
Some couples with traveling jobs claim it doesnt come between their love
life. I have worked with couples where the husband was a long-haul trucker. He
was gone for at least a week at a time. He told me that being away for long
periods didnt bother his marriage. Another man I worked with supervised a road
construction crew. He was gone for at least a week during the summer.
Sometimes he wasnt home for two or more weeks. He told me it didnt affect his
marriage. He believed the time away from his wife didnt dampen their
relationship. While those cases exist, I believe they are the exception. Most
couples quickly become frustrated when a job keeps them apart or they work
opposite schedules.
Work to get your schedules in parallel. Some couples dont take a need for
intimacy seriously. While they are frustrated, for some reason, they dont
consider changing jobs or schedules. 1 Corinthians 7 tells Christian couples their
times of intimacy should be regular and fulfilling.
But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his
own wife and each woman her own husband. The husband should give to his
wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does
not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the
husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not
deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you
may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan
may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 1 Corinthians 7:25
(ESV)
Sometimes people ask me, What was the hardest part of your doctorate? They
wonder if it was the 173 page thesis or the constant reading and writing. It
wasnt the academic work. It was the two weeks away from Cindy for
concentrated classes that was the most difficult. Working hard during the day
coupled with an empty hotel room at night was tough. Cindy also found it hard to
be apart for those two weeks. One Christmas, I came up with a rather unique
present, airline tickets to fly her out for the weekend!
Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head
of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its
Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in
everything to their husbands. Ephesians 5:2224 (ESV)
In marriage, the husband is the head of his wife. He is the loving leader of the
home, just as Christ is head of the church. The wife is to submit to her husbands
leadership in everything. Modern culture considers a wifes submission as
repulsively chauvinistic. Submission is not chauvinistic, it is inherent to Gods
design for the marriage relationship. Since the marriage relationship parallels
Christs relationship to the church, submission to a head will be part of it.
Just as the church could not die for Christ, Christ can not be in submission to the
church. In the same way, in marriage, the roles of a husband and wife are not
arbitrary or reversible. This does not mean a wife is inferior to her husband,
simply that her role is different. The husband is responsible for leading and
loving his family and he can not shirk that responsibility. Before God he, not his
wife, is the spiritual leader of his home. She is there to help him, not replace him.
Husbands are to love their wives sacrificially as Christ sacrificed for the
church.
Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for
her, Ephesians 5:25 (ESV)
Rather than taking life from his wife and minimizing her, a Godly Christian
husband will seek to build his wife up and joyfully deny himself to honor her.
...that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the
word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or
Rather than using his wife as a tool to serve him, a Christian husband
encourages his wife to blossom in the safety and security of his leadership. The
Godly husband understands that as he edifies his wife, she will ultimately
become an even greater blessing to him.
In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who
loves his wife loves himself. Ephesians 5:28 (ESV)
Marriage is a cornerstone in Gods plan for humanity. God defines what it is and
how it operates, not legislation or public opinion. The Bible begins with God
officiating the first marriage and it ends with the ultimate marriage called the
wedding supper of the lamb.
Marriage is one of Gods greatest gifts. Like a telescope, it allows us to peer into
the future and begin comprehending the richness of our relationship with Christ.
One way to lead into this type of conversation is to share with your spouse your
desire to improve yourself. Ask them to share with you how you can better serve
them. Remember, marriage is about serving and each of us should desire to
improve our serve. When you share opportunities for improvement, be sure to let
them know you want them to be their best, you do not want them to be
somebody else.
When you share ways they could present themselves more attractively, be
specific. Examples include: a haircut, shaving, diet, exercise, clothing and
bathing.
Be willing to sacrifice to help. For example, many people know they need to
exercise but they don't have the discipline to keep a regular exercise routine. As
their spouse, be willing to joining them at the gym and support them each step of
the way. If they are considering weight watchers or a special diet, be willing to
join with them to be their support and encouragement along the way.
Our sexuality is a God given gift that enables us to serve our spouse in a way no
one else can serve. Taking good care of ourselves is striving to serve our
spouse in a way no one else should.
It shall not be so among you. But whoever would be great among you must be
your servant, Matthew 20:26 (ESV)
It is also important to remember that God views us, and will ultimately redeem us,
as a whole person, both body and soul. Just as we spend time in God's Word to
nourish our spirit and draw near to Christ, it is important to care for our body
which is the temple of the Holy Spirit.
Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom
you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So
glorify God in your body. 1 Corinthians 6:1920 (ESV)
Premarital sex is sin. Sin always has consequences. The consequences are
emotional. You are plagued with regrets. Consequences are an inflamed sexual
appetite. The consequences may be a sexually transmitted disease.
All things are lawful for me, but not all things are helpful. All things are lawful
for me, but I will not be dominated by anything. 1 Corinthians 6:12 (ESV)
1. Is It Lawful? - Is the sexual act you are considering with your spouse
something that violates the laws of our government or Gods laws in the Bible.
If you examine your sexual questions through 1 Corinthians 6:12, you should be
able to ascertain Gods will in this area of your life.
(Further explanation of how 1 Corinthians 6:12 applies to sexual questions is found in Real Marriage by
Mark + Grace Driscoll, chapter 10.)
Jesus once told the religious leaders of Israel about Gods ideal plan for
marriage: So, then, they are no longer two, but one flesh.
Therefore, what God has joined together, let not man separate Matthew 19:6 NKJV
Paul states the general principle for a marriage between two actively professing
Christians in his first letter to the church of Corinth
A wife is not to depart from her husband. But if she does depart, let her remain unmarried or be
reconciled to her husband. And a husband is not to divorce his wife 1 Corinthians 7:10-11 NKJV
Whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, causes her to commit adultery;
and whoever marries a woman who is divorced (i.e. for any reason other than sexual
immorality) commits adultery.
Matthew 5:32 NKJV
Sexual sin on the part of one marriage partner is grounds for divorce. The Greek
word translated sexual immorality (pornea) is a general term and would include
adultery, homosexuality or any type of sexual perversion. It should be noted that
Jesus does not insist upon divorce in such cases nor command it nor even
encourage it. Considering the Scriptures as a whole, it would seem that divorce
should be a last resort, reserved only for cases of repeated and/or flagrant sexual
violations. Short of this, forgiveness and reconciliation are to be sought and the
marriage preserved. If a divorce is obtained because of sexual immorality,
remarriage is permitted.
But to the rest I, not the Lord, say: If any brother has a wife who does not believe, and she is
willing to dwell with him, let him not divorce her. And the woman who has a husband who does
not believe, if he is willing to dwell with her, let her not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband
is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband; otherwise your
children would be unclean, but now they are holy. But if the unbeliever departs, let him depart; a
brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases.
1 Corinthians 7:12-16
A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to
marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord.
1 Corinthians 7:39
Every situation does not fit neatly into these categories. There are a number of
varied situations that can arise. Many are of such a unique nature that general
principles cannot be formulated for them. However, there are a few special cases
that tend to reoccur, and these are considered below:
He answered, Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits
adultery against her. Mark 10:11
This does not mean God immediately erases all painful memories, bad
habits or underlying causes of past marital problems, but that He
begins the process of transforming the believer through the Holy Spirit
and the Word of God. Nor does this mean that the new believer is
automatically freed from all responsibility for his actions before
becoming a Christian. In fact, a sign of true saving faith will be a desire
to obey what God has said about marriage and divorce in the Bible:
But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her
husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.
1 Corinthians 7:11
But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not
bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. 1 Corinthians
7:15
But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her
husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.
1 Corinthians 7:11
While parents are not legally in control of this decision, they still have influence
over their daughter. In answering this question, I am assuming the daughter is
still in the home and under parental supervision. If that is true, I would
encourage parents not to allow their daughter on birth control pills while she is
dating. That gives her a green light for intimacy.
If you sense you can not trust him, forbid him from seeing your daughter. If she
proves untrustworthy and pursues the relationship, dont capitulate to her
rebellious pressure. Put your foot down. Take a high level of involvement in your
daughters life. If this is not well received, you may need to keep her home and
begin home schooling. Be prepared to take drastic measures. Most parents sin
by their passivity towards a childs rebellion, not too much involvement in their
childs life.
She may not like your tough love now, but she will appreciate it in the future.
Many parents are not comfortable with a stronger approach to parenting when
their children are in rebellion. The cultural pressure encourages parents to hide
their heads in the sand and hope a child makes it through. I see that as parents
ignoring their God given responsibility.
A great example of proactive parenting is the story of Cassie Bernell. She was
one of the students gunned down at the Columbine High School shooting. She
became involved in the wrong crowd. Rather than her parents ignoring her
rebellion, they became more involved in her life. For a period of time, they kept
her home. They even cut the phone lines! That period of rebellion came to an
end when she trusted Christ as her savior while attending a church camp at
If you have a child in rebellion, I encourage you to read her short, but amazing,
story. She Said Yes: The Unlikely Martydom of Cassie Bernall by Misty Bernall
Avoid the pitfall of comparison. If you enjoyed an excellent marriage with your
deceased spouse, it will be tempting to let your conversations with your new
mate drift into comparing your new mate with your deceased spouse. While you
love your former mate, that marriage can not move forward. It is only your new
marriage that has a future. Sharing your thoughts on how your deceased spouse
compares to your new mate will chafe a sore spot in your new marriage. It leaves
your new spouse wishing your heart was focused on enjoying them rather than
rehearsing memories from the past.
Be thankful for the time God gave you with your deceased spouse. Move
forward with your new relationship. Dont allow your past to haunt your present.
First, I recommend he has his testosterone level and general health checked by
a doctor. It is not uncommon for male testosterone to begin declining around age
forty. A womans interest in intimacy typically continues to remain strong.
Second, I encourage him to take care of himself physically by eating healthy and
exercising. At a recent pastors conference, I was shocked by the number of
pastors in the room that experienced heart attacks around age fifty. When I
talked with them, most of them admitted to not caring for their health. Physical
fitness will not just lengthen your life, it enhances a mans interest in marital
intimacy.
Third, your husband needs a biblical view of sex. This is a view where sex is
understood as a God-given way to serve your spouse, not to serve yourself. He
may not be interested in intimacy, but that doesnt matter. If his wife is interested,
it is a way he can serve her. He should make use of that opportunity.
The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to
her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the
husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body,
but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for
a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together
again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 1
Corinthians 7:35 (ESV)
Fourth, it may be appropriate to take a lesson from the Shulammite. When her
husband was too preoccupied with work, she danced before him in a marital
strip-tease to get his mind off his work and interested in intimacy with her (Song
of Solomon 7). I am not necessarily recommending you dance! I am
recommending you put thought into creative ways to recaptivate your husbands
interest.
The root of this question usually comes from previous sexual experiences. If you
dated multiple people and were intimately involved with them, you have learned
that some individuals are less servant orientated in their love making than others.
You are wondering if intimacy with your potential mate will provide greater sexual
fulfillment than previous sexual experiences you enjoyed. Many consider
marriage similar to purchasing a car. Since you wouldnt purchase a car without
taking it for a test drive, and marriage is a bigger commitment than a car
purchase, it only appears logical to try-before-you-buy and make sure you are
satisfied with your purchase.
First, be careful about capitulating to the cultural trap of education. Most parents
encourage their children to complete their education before marriage. While that
is a good idea, it is not an iron-clad rule. While you should complete high school,
it is not inappropriate to get married before graduation from college or while in
graduate school. The Bible tells us in 1 Corinthians 7 that it is better to marry
than to burn with passion. In other words, it is better to get married and honor
God than to live in a continual struggle with fornication because your education is
not complete. More important than completing your degree is honoring God and
the one you plan to marry. If you can not maintain abstinence, it is better to
marry than wait and fornicate.
Young adults are biologically ready for marriage before they are out of school.
Most young adults are also ready for marriage, when it comes to maturity, before
they complete a lengthy educational process.
Second, young men must realize that when they marry, they are not just marrying
for sex. They are taking on the obligation of providing for a wife and future
children. If a young man does not have a job and is not pursuing a productive
life, he shouldnt focus on fornicating. He should focus on self-control,
abstinence, productivity and maturity. Too many young men are just boys using
young women for sex rather than men who are willing to shoulder responsibility
for a wife and children.
There is no universal age to begin pursuing marriage. Some are not ready for
marriage until much later in life while others should begin thinking in this direction
in their twenties.
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Dillow, Joseph C. (1977) Solomon on Sex: the biblical guide to married love.
Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson Publishers.
Dillow, Joseph and Linda, Pintus, Peter and Lorraine (2004). Intimacy Ignited:
Fire up your sex life with the Song of Solomon. Colorado Springs, CO: Navpress.
Driscoll, Mark (2009). Religion Saves: and nine other misconceptions. Wheaton,
IL: Crossway Books
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and life together. Dallas, TX: Thomas Nelson.
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Gruden, Wayne and Piper, John (2006). Recovering Biblical Manhood &
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marriage & sex. San Diego, CA: Turning Point.
Mahaney, C.J. (2004). Sex, Romance and the Glory of God: What every
Christian husband needs to know. Wheaton, IL: Crossway Books.
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Dr. Kurt Trucksess is ordained in the EFCA. He enjoys reading, writing, time with his family and
wrestling with his sons. His favorite topics of study are ancient rhetoric and preaching.
Feel free to contact him at ktruck@gmail.com or visit his web at www.christ2Rculture.com
Dr. Kurt Trucksess. You are permitted and encouraged to reproduce and distribute this material in any format
provided that: (1) you credit the author, (2) any modifications are clearly marked, (3) you do not charge a fee beyond the
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