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HITLER

AND HOW THE WAR ENDED

Written by
Ben Padgett
INT. ROOM

A boring room.

HITLER, no description needed, stand in the room, holding


a conversation with an ENGLSHMEN, snooty looking and
drinking a cup of tea. On the teacup is a picture of the
union jack.

HITLER
(German accent)
And I hate zoes Jewz, they all diez, but who
I really plan to kill, you know to REALLY
pizz off all zose countries were fighting,
too many to rememberz now, iz zat ugly old
woman in zat country England, ze Queen. What
kind of country iz zat? Ze have democrazy,
which iz zhit, so I kill zier leader. Simple
az zat.

The English glares.

ENGLISHMAN
(British Accent)
Thats all jolly good, but Im British.

HITLER
But zoure my only friend

ENGLISH
I still am, Adolf, but I really must disagree
with you on this, the queen is a nice lady
once you meet her.

Long silence.

HITLER
Is zshe Jewish?

ENGLISHMAN
No.

HITLER
I killz her anywayz.

ENLGISHMAN
You cant!
HITLER
Zhutup you pommy Jew.

ENGLISHMAN
Im not Jewish.

HITLER
Do you know where zis queen lives?

ENGLISHMAN
I wont let you!

Hitler gets up to walk away, and Englishman follows him.

English spins Hitler around and rips off Hitlers


moustache.

Blood goes everywhere.

ENGLISHMAN
Oh, sorry, chap, but I always thought you moe
was fake! And I couldnt let you go and kill
a major member of the united nation.

HITLER
United zwhat zwhat? And I still kill Queen.

Englishman slaps Hitler.

Hitler slaps Englishman.

Suddenly, a NAZI runs in.

NAZI
Ztop! Zit skit iz to silly!

HITLER
Get out and stay out, Frederick.

FREDERICK
Sorry. Heil Hitler!

HITLER
Yes, hail me. Now where were we?

Frederick leaves.

ENGLISHMAN
UmYou were just about to stop world war
two
HITLER
Ah, yes, get my banana phone so I can inform
Madonna of ze changes.

English is confused.

HITLER
Itz code talk, get my cell so I can call
Bush.

INT. PRESEDENTAIL OFICE

PRESIDANT BUSH, (103), picks up his phone at his desk.

BUSH
Yes?Ofcourse I would like to buy some
towelsAre they blue?So theyre not blue

Hangs up. Phone rings again. Bush picks up.

BUSH
What war?Oh yesSure whatever.

EXT. SLUMMY STREET DAY - USA

A THIEF, dressed in black biker suit, is punching an old


WOMAN.

A MAN pokes his head out of a nearby apartment window and


screams out

MAN
HEY EVERYBODY! THE WAR IS OVER!

Everybody on the street, even the old woman and thief,


cheer and yell.

EXT. MANSION VERANDAH DAY - ARGENTINA

A beautiful WOMAN, South American, sings to a crowd of


onlookers on her balcony.

WOMAN
Dont cry for me Argentina!

She falls off the balcony onto the ground. She stands up
again.
WOMAN
Everybody! I just remembered! The war
finished!

Everyone cheers.

EXT. OUTBACK DAY

A KANGAROO, and a FARMER, stand in the middle of the


desert.

KANGAROO
I think the war is over.

FARMER
Fairdinkum.

FADE OUT

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