Greater than

Sexy
The Muslim Wifes Guide to
Discovering Whats Greater than Sexy
in a Spiritually Conscious Marriage
By Megan Wyatt, Founder - www.WivesofJannah.com
 Introduction
C
ould it really be possible to be greater than
sexy and experience a spiritually-rich and
physically-satisfying relationship with your
husband? Absolutely yes!

It all depends on how you understand what it

means to be sexy.

Believe it or not, trying to be sexy is what is all have witnessed sexy and its undeniable
robbing many marriages from physical satisfac- influence in our culture today. Women want to
tion, a deeper emotional connection, and the know how to be sexy and unfortunately that
presence of a spiritual dimension. criterion has been set by the culture of pornogra-
phy that permeates our world at large.
This is a subject that we are often so hesitant to
address because the fear is that by even using the Is this a trait to aim for as a Muslim wife, and if
word sexy we instantly become degraded, trashy, so, should we not take back this word on our own
and without good manners as a Muslim. terms as Muslims? After all, arent you supposed
to act and look sexy for your husband so that he
However, this fear is not unfounded or irrational can have better sexual satisfaction and find you
because its based on something that is true. We captivating? Or are you simply degrading yourself?
Where does this leave the Muslim wife? If she is upon images of other sexy women to satiate his
sexy, then she must be imitating the sinful, own desires.
sexually-charged creature she sees in the outside
world, which means she is not pure, not pious, Or is there another alternative ?
and surely not God-conscious. The sexual experi-
ence is tinged with the feelings of power, a powerI would argue that there is and that alternative is
that is naughty and a sinful indulgence of being nothing more than the way I imagine women
the bad girl. have been both pious and felt attractive them-
selves and to their husbands for thousands of
If on the other hand, she is not sexy, then she years. I am certain our righteous predecessors
considered boring, unpassionate, and missing had very sexually satisfying marriages without
out, and while she is a good housewife, her their wives trying to mimic other womens defini-
husband may make an excuse for himself that it tion of so-called sexiness. Let us first take a look
cant harm anyone to look elsewhere or gaze at how we might redefine the concept of sexy.

Redefining Sexy in the Light of Spirituality

H
ave you ever imagined yourself being sex-
ually intimate when you are in your fifties?
How about in your sixties? I remember the
first time I really sat down and thought about this
concept. I was interviewing a Muslim therapist for
a program I was doing for single Muslims. She
said that although physical attraction gets a
relationship started, it isnt enough or what is
required to keep it going. She said How else do
you think its possible for a married couple in their
sixties to still have sex with each other? There is
something beyond that youthful body; that while
it is beautiful and full of life, it isnt the only nor required to secure true happiness, signifi-
component that creates sexual attraction in a cance, and sexual satisfaction for your husband
committed couple. (despite what the media wants you both to believe.)

Sexy becomes your feminine touch that is full of
energy and life. It absorbs who you are as a
person, the light that shines from your eyes, and
your presence and full submission to the moment
you find yourself in. It is looking into your hus-
bands eyes and he into yours and knowing that
your love is beyond this world, and inshaAllah, a
love that will continue with even greater intensity
and splendor in the next, in Jannah. No matter
how you look in this life, in Jannah your piety,
haya and worship will transform you into the most
beautiful creature your husband has ever seen!
Sexy becomes, when discussed against the back-
ground of Jannah, a trivial matter when under-
stood the way the current culture defines it. Sexy That isnt fulfilling at all, is it? Not if you consider
might stimulate a man, but it will never fulfill him the definition I am putting forth.
on its own. Sexy clothes, high heeled shoes, low
cut dresses, and skin tight jeans may indeed be
sexually alluring and have their place in your
closet if the style suits you, but it is not enough
When understood against the greater backdrop of
a sensual, sexual, and secure woman, it becomes
just one part of what makes you beautiful to your
husband, and an even smaller part of what
increases sexual satisfaction for the both of you. If
we believe our current culture, then you are left to
believe that at a certain age, you can be pretty
sure your husband is going to stop desiring you,
because you will be too ripe for his tastes. No
wonder botox, plastic surgery, and the lap-band
are so popular. It seems to be that the only way to
secure your husbands loyalty and lowered gaze
is to spend your entire lifetime trying to remain
twentysomething.
 Imagine how beautiful, confident, and lovely you
would feel with such an experience. Better than
that, though, is to add on the spiritual layer to
your intimate moments.

What your husband desires, above all else, is to

see you freely enjoying your intimate space to-
gether, expressing your pleasure to him, and
allowing him to equally express himself. His
significance reaches its peak when he knows that
he has given you a truly satisfying experience.
 Keeping the Spiritual Dimension in Sex
I
remember a Muslim woman once telling me
that it wasnt sexy for her husband to make
dua before they were about to have sexual
intercourse, and that was sad to hear. On the
contrary, any man who takes charge and leads in
the way of his Deen should become more attrac-
tive to his wife. A man who isnt willing to verbal-
ize the dua with his lips so that his wife has the
peace of mind knowing he is making dua, shows
he has become weakened by norms outside of
the Sunnah. He is ignoring the most awesome
example of how to handle sexually intimate mo-
ments.
The Prophet Muhammad (saw) said one should
say before sexual intercourse: Bismillahi, Allahum-
ma jannibnaa ash-shaitaan, wa jannib ash-
shaitaan maa razaqtanna, which translated into
English means In the name of Allah, O Allah,
keep us away from the devil, and keep the devil
away from that which You may grant us (ie.
offspring). About this, the Prophet said: "After that,
if Allah decrees that they will have a child, the
devil will never be able to harm that child".
[al-Bukharee]
By following a sunnah such as this, the element
of spirituality is brought back into a physical act,
elevating it beyond just a physical experience of
this world. Unfortunately, because so many peo-
ple are influenced by the haram at large in the
world, the idea of thinking about Allah during
such a time seems almost haram and shameful
in and of itself.
How many couples thank Allah after they have
been together, realizing that such an expression
of love and commitment to one another is a
blessing? How many wives thank Allah for the
health of their husband, his care for her, and
patience in satisfying her own sexual needs, or
make dua when that is missing, and ask Allah to
improve their understanding of each other? Sex is
not to be a realm devoid of the remembrance of
Allah.
Shaytan would prefer you forget Allah in such a
moment, so encourage your husband to take on
3 Rules for a Virtuous
Sexual Experience
A
fter understanding what is greater than the
limiting definition of sexy given to us by the
media along with a focus on bringing a
spiritual dimension into your intimate moments,
its now important to discuss some rules. The
following three rules will help you maintain your
the role of making dua as stated above, and for
yourself, begin to thank Allah for moments of
connection that occur so that He may protect and
increase such moments in your marriage.
own personal definition of sexy in a way that is
wholesome and empowering, and provide some
guidelines so that your sexually intimate relation-
ship is truly fulfilling, loving, and nourishing for
you as a wife.
 differently. The answer is simple: you must tell him

1
Communicate Your Physical Desires in Detail.
If there is one thing women, and wives in what you want! It doesnt betray haya to do so
particular are famous for, its putting our because he is your husband, and this is the place
needs, wants, and desires after everyone else in for such secrets.
our family. Many women feel incredibly guilty for
taking personal time for themselves to do just In the Quran, Allah subhanahu wa taala tells us
about anything that isnt serving others, from
reading a book, drinking some tea undisturbed, (2:187.) A garment implies
going out alone to a bookstore or library, or up- protection, privacy, safety, warmth, and something
dating your wardrobe from when you were last that is close. You have to start thinking about what
pregnant. If you dont take time to do something it means to allow your husband to be like a
that is meaningful for yourself, outside of serving garment for you.
others, then you do run risk of burning out as a
mother and especially as a wife. You must begin to practice my principle of fear-
less vulnerability in your marriage, and one of the
When it comes to your intimate relationship with best places to begin, that will have a large and
your husband, you must communicate how you lasting impact, is in your intimate relationship.
are feeling, what's going on in your mind and Fearless Vulnerability is about creating opportu-
heart, and what you desire or do not want physi- nities to give and receive deep and meaningful
cally-speaking, or else the spark between you love by practicing the art of raw honesty and
both will burn-out too . emotional and physical vulnerability in a safe and
respectful relationship, despite deep-seated fears
Many women have emailed to tell me that they which would otherwise hold you back.
feel too shy to express their desires to their
husband, and asked me what I suggest they do Some women assume their husband comes wired
with a how to manual in their head, and the one where you just let things happen to you
truth is, they usually have not got a clue what to regardless of how it feels.
do to make you sexually satisfied unless you tell
them.

Even if they have been exposed to sexual images,

it does not mean they have more understanding
of women, in fact, quite the contrary. Any Muslim
man who has watched haram things (and yes,
there are sadly many of them) even your basic
R-rated film these days, is actually at a disadvan-
tage when it comes to knowing what makes his
wife happy.

This is because sexual encounters are an art that

must be practiced and explored over and over
again with ones spouse. While you can read
some books to give you basic ideas on where to
begin, your personal expression is more important
than anything a book has to say.

One of the goals is to have a satisfying experi-

ence, not just an experience, which means that
you and your husband take an active role in the
process of physical intimacy, and not a passive
2
Stop When Something Doesnt Feel Good
Emotionally or Physically
There should never be any reason to contin-
ue doing something that doesnt feel good physi-
cally or emotionally; no loving, compassionate,
and respectable man would ever want his wife
to experience something that she isnt enjoying.
Following our first rule to uphold, you must be
the one to let him know what is going on, espe-
cially if he isnt yet skilled or trained in how to
tune into you during any kind of physical experi-
ence, be it a kiss or full-on sexual intercourse.

I do not believe that it is a requirement to be a

Intimacy is one of the highest expressions of love
lifeless woman with your husband and to turn
between two married and committed adults, so it
your intimate experiences into something you
should not violate the standards of love and
dread. It defeats the entire purpose of marriage
mercy in any way. Therefore I advocate that you
which according to The Quran is:
must speak up and tell your husband when
something isnt going right. Some women have
been told and have passed on to others that you
should just go along with what he wants to make
him happy. This immediately negates you as a
human being. Its as if you dont matter, you arent
(30:21)
important, that your feelings and experiences
should be subdued in light of your husbands. suggesting is that you are committed to being
While I believe it is honorable to make sacrifices open in discussing your feelings with the inten-
for ones spouse and to put their happiness in tion of creating the opportunity to be intimate,
front of yours at all times, I do not believe in doing rather than just expressing your feelings or lack
something that violates your personal level of of desire and, metaphorically speaking, slamming
integrity or well-being. the door shut to the possibility of being sexually
intimate with your husband. Equally, he should
Having sexual intercourse that is painful is not be willing to do the same for you.
going to increase the love your husband has for
you, or your respect and admiration for him. If Keep in mind, this may not necessarily guarantee
anything, it will sow a seed of resentment in your the original desired outcome. Just because you
heart, which will grow over time. Being touched both set out to be physically close, it doesnt mean
in a way that makes you feel that you are nothing you will be. Sometimes, things dont work out the
but an object is not going to boost your self- way we want them to, and I advise both the
esteem or your confidence as a woman. It will husband and wife to remember that its perfectly
leave you feeling unappreciated and even used. acceptable if every opportunity doesnt end the
way you planned, which in most cases is sexual
But we arent supposed to feel things like this intercourse. You must stay focused on your overall
with our husbands are we? Doesnt he have rights marriage and not get frustrated if a single mo-
upon us? ment doesnt meet all of your expectations. Pay
attention to the big picture and the core goal: to
First of all, sex isnt just for men although such increase the feelings of love, security, trust, and
prevailing attitudes suggest that it is. The right to happiness between each other. Outstanding and
be sexually active doesnt mean that a man has satisfying sex happens when both the husband
the right to ignore his wifes feelings. What I am and the wife are emotionally ready to be with one
another.
. upset with her, so she caved in over and over
3
Maintain Integrity in Your Choice to
Be Sexually Intimate
Under no circumstances should you do
something that you feel is distasteful, painful, or
against your nature as a dignified woman. Sexual
preferences vary, while still within the halal range,
and opinions on what is acceptable and makrouh
also vary depending on the scholar, or school of
thought you may be following. So it is natural that
a couple may have differing views on certain
matters which need to be discussed when the
opportunity arises in order to come to a mutual
agreement on what you are comfortable with.
Under no circumstances, however, should you
agree to something which is haram, no matter
how much your husband may pressure you to do I believe it would be better to first tell your
so. I remember receiving a disheartening mes-
sage from a Muslim wife asking me for advice
because her husband insists on having sexual
relations with her in a way that is clearly forbidden
in Islam, and she didnt want him to become
again. You must never compromise like this for
yourself and its not disobedience to say no.
Remember as I keep saying: the point of marriage
is to be a part of co-creating tranquility and love,
not coercion and anxiety.
Now what about those moments when you sim-
ply dont want to do anything because you really
are tired, not in the mood, not feeling well, or
simply overstimulated from your day around the
kids. All you are craving is the solitude of sleep
and putting your head on the pillow, but you can
tell your husband is asking to be close with you?
The common advice is to simply go along with it,
because it may not be so bad after all. I do not
prefer this approach because it is reactionary and
devoid of honest communication.
husband what you are feeling, emotionally and
physically, so as to give him an opportunity to
truly tune into your body, your heart, and your
feelings. He may then decide to just cuddle with
you for the night, and with no pressure just allow
you to relax for the night. You may be pleasantly
surprised to find that, as a result, your body may
change its mind after you feel emotionally sup-
ported by your husband.
Its a compromise for sure, which there are many
of in a marriage, but it doesnt leave you feeling
like things are happening to you. Instead, you
are proactively making a choice for the sake of
Allah to please your husband while still having
verbalized and honored your true feelings and
emotions. It is only at a moment like this where it
may happen that you do in fact enjoy your sexual
experience with your husband.

If this is not the case and he is still wanting to be

sexually intimate with you, then you shouldnt
reject him. He has opened up to you to in his own .
vulnerable way, and whether or not he shows you
his emotions, he is hurt by you turning away from
him. In such a situation, you can let him know
that you are making yourself available only for his
sake, and that although it isnt your first prefer-
ence, it isnt going to cause you any emotional or
physical harm either. You have then made an
empowering decision to be available for your
husbands request because you want to honor his
desires and the fact the he is desiring you!
The Reality of Marriage
T
he reality of marriage is that this is one area which constantly requires flexibility, gentle
compromise, and open communication. By deeply understanding what real sexiness is, maintain-
ing a spiritual dimension during intimate moments, and upholding the above mentioned three
rules, your intimate space is given the extra degree of attention it deserves to experience spiritually
satisfying sex in your marriage.

Copyright 2012 Megan Wyatt and Wives of Jannah