Jasmine Thuroo 1

Civil War
Sometimes I feel like my whole life is an internal hostile relationship coming face to face
with regret. After school, Id come home and my dad would tell me that the decisions I made out
of impulse would run and ruin my life. This morning, the sun was shining in through my window
making my pasty skin glow. It appeared translucent, hollow. The heat enveloping my body felt
like nothing more than a cool breeze.
White was never my preferred colour of choice to wear, typically it was either black or
blue. Mona was into all those pure and lively fabrics, but not me. I pulled a dark sweater off a
hanger, letting it swing side to side, lonely. I slipped it over my head. For a brief moment, it
covered my face, hiding me from the outside world. For that moment, I felt safe, comfortable. I
didnt like when others could see me. It was Mona who liked to be social. Every day, shed make
me go up and talk to people with her. She was always very bright, happy. I wish I could be like
her sometimes.
Mona was about to come out. I could feel it. She tends to do that when I think about the
happy times. She takes over and lets me be worry-free until I have to show up again. I wish I
never had taken control in the first place.

I rushed out of the room in a hurry. How long did it take for Piper to get us dressed? I
noticed it was sunny outside. I smiled to myself. The sun shone into the house, warming my
surroundings with a heavenly radiation, almost as if it were a dream. I stood beside the window,
basking in the sunlight, imagining how each little creature feels waking up to such a lovely day.
Piper says Im always lost in my own little world. Thats why she never trusts me to take control.
She used to say, What is life if being trapped within your limits is what you live by? I always
just ignored her. I want to be who I am.
I was hurried while eating my breakfast; I wanted to go outside and experience the
beautiful sunshine that illuminated the Earth. Piper always kept us shut in our room when she
had power. This time, it was my turn. I opened the door. The creaking sound sent a curious spark
up my spine as I stepped out onto my porch. I grounded my feet with stability and looked up at
the sun. I was going to live today, whether Piper liked it or not.No holding back.
 Jasmine Thuroo 2

I approached the school with a confident spring in my step. I decided to talk to Piper,
sometimes I do that. She usually doesnt want to talk to me, though. I figured I would try, and
see if shed respond. Hey, Piper!
From deep down inside us, I heard a low response. Hey, Mona.
I grinned. She was going to talk to me today. Are you ready for a lovely day of school?
I asked.
Piper groaned from deep in our chest , Im not feeling it today.
Youre never feeling it. Come on! Enjoy yourself for one day! Im just trying to get you
out of this rut, I said, I want us to be happy.
What rut are you talking about? Im fine, Piper said.
I walked into the school. Youve got to be kidding me, youre so sad all the time! Its
depressing. You need to lighten up! I paused outside of our first class to reassure Piper one last
time. Okay, you have to come out and be nice, talk to people, you know? Promise me youll
try?
I guess I can try, Piper sighed. The grin on my face grew larger. I smiled ear to ear as I
skipped into the classroom.

I came home from school, exhausted. Mona always pushed me to do things I didnt want
to. I tried to talk to people, like she told me to do. Each time, I felt vulnerable, exposed, as if the
whole world watched my lips every time a new word slipped out. I wanted to hide from it, hide
from everybody and just slip away into darkness. Sometimes I imagined what it would be like if
I didnt exist, how the world would be without me. It seemed nice, nicer than the world I lived
in, at least. It would be a happy place; Mona would love it.
I shut the door behind me as I stepped into our room. I locked it. I laid down on our bed
and stared at the ceiling. My room was brightened by the sun, like this morning. It felt hot, like
my skin was burning. I didnt move though. I let my skin burn. I wanted it to melt away.
I spent some time there, immobile. I remembered every word I said today, every move I
made.I analyzed them.My thoughts raced through my head, each making me feel more anxious
than the last. Did I embarrass myself? Am I a joke to the people at school? Am I just someone
they can make fun of now? Am I a disappointment to them? Am I a disappointment to Mona?
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I began to tremble. My breaths grew heavier and restricted, quick. My eyes shot back
and forth. Little shivers crawled up my spine. I curled up in a ball. Stress overcame me. I knew I
shouldnt have listened to Mona. I knew I shouldve kept my stupid mouth shut all day. I wanted
to make this feeling go away. Tears rolled down my cheeks silently. My inhaled breaths were
short, it felt like I couldnt breathe right. I fought it, keeping my noise to a minimum, trying to go
unnoticed. I held my breath.
I couldnt resist anymore. The pain was unbearable. I succumbed to the chaos going
inside my brain.
Through the mess of worries, I felt an idea brewing inside me. I knew how to get rid of
this pain. I am going to make you happy Mona, I promise, I thought.

I feel different, I said, sitting up on my bed, the morning light brightening the room.
My body didnt feel like my own. It felt lighter, hollow, like an empty shell. I slipped on a pair of
yellow shorts. Yellow is the colour of happiness and wellness; maybe some of that would rub off
on Piper. Hopefully, without being trapped under a dark cloak, Piper could breathe. She was
silent this morning as I went through our daily routine. Concerned, I decided I would make today
all about her. I wanted her to feel as content as I did.
I threw on my jacket, the final touch to the outfit. I stood in front of the mirror,
examining the ensemble of fabric I had put together. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed me.
Not my reflection, but my body, our body, lying frozen on the bed. I turned around reluctantly
with fear. How could this be? It was still wearing the black shorts Piper chose for pajamas last
night. Was that really me? Us? I had to check. I slowly took steps towards the body. I closed my
eyes tightly tensing up my whole face and took another deep breath, praying that this was not
real, that Piper was just playing mind games with me. I reached out, bringing my hand closer to
it. Upon contact, the flesh felt cold, clammy. Most notably, it felt dead.
I jumped back, pulling my hand into my chest.I turned around to look at my reflection in
the mirror again. My skin looked more pale than it did before. I didnt feel my heart skip a beat,
but Im sure it did. I was confused, trying to figure out why I was not me, why we were not us. I
wanted to talk to Piper. Maybe she knew what was going on. I was about to call for her just
before I noticed an open pill bottle lying beside my bed on the floor.I dropped to my knees and
picked it up. It was empty. I swallowed my fate as tears flooded my eyes. I had no further desire
 Jasmine Thuroo 4

to talk to Piper but I could feel her starting to show. I stayed silent and shook, waiting for Piper
to speak.

Mona? I said.
Dont talk to me! she cried. She was upset, it was because of me, I could tell.
I tilted my head down. Im sorry.
Did you do this to us? Mona said, in between heavy breaths.
I paused. I didnt want to say yes, I didnt want to disappoint her, but there was no point
in lying.
Give me an answer! she demanded.
Yes, I did. Shame lingered over my words. Mona threw the pill bottle.
How could you?! Why, Piper, tell me why? she yelled. I thought we were making
progress, I thought you were getting somewhere! How could you let all our hard work go to
waste?
Monas sobs came to a stop. We fell silent. Neither of us spoke. We waited for the other
to say something. Eventually, Mona lifted our head. I had hope for you Piper, but now its
gone, she said. My heart sank. Regret filled my stomach. I felt more disconnected from her than
ever before.
I wish I didnt do it, I mumbled. No response. I wish I didnt do it, Mona. Are you
happy now? I finally admitted it! You were right! I paused again. Still, no answer. Mona?
That is the last time I spoke to Mona, the last time I remember her within my presence.