Relationships should be

heaven...

not hell

A guide to healthy relationships for young people.

This booklet is designed to help you realise that having a
healthy relationship is great, and also to help you determine
whether or not you are in a healthy relationship. You may
be married or living together, separated or dating, gay,
lesbian or bi. Whatever your circumstances, being in an
unhealthy relationship is not good for you.
 Contents

Page 1 Sams Story

Page 3 What is a healthy relationship?
Page 4 What is an unhealthy relationship?
Page 5 When and how to say NO
Page 6 What you can do and how you can end it
Page 7 How to make friends
Page 8 Good things that you can do for yourself
Page 9 Types of abuse
Page 11 What is date rape?
Page 12 Drink spiking - some stuff you might like to
know
Page 13 Some hints to stay safe
Page 14 How can I help a friend
Page 15 Where can you get help?
Page 22 Services on the Internet
Page 24 Emergency numbers
Page 25 If you are in an abusive relationship, always
remember
Page 26 Acknowledgements
 Sams story
What Happened:

Ever since I was 14, I have been in and out of abusive

relationships. It started with physical abuse and then
progressed to verbal and mental abuse as well. I used to lock
myself in my bedroom at home and cry because I thought that
I was doing something horribly wrong. I thought that it was
my fault. I did not understand why every person that I had
dated wanted to hurt me. I thought that there was something
wrong with me. I tried to hide it from friends, my family and
myself. I buried the pain and anger away deep inside of me
where I thought no one could ever .nd it. I just kept going on
like everything was normal and happy. For a long time I kept
dating the same kind of people, I was trapped in this whirlwind
of hurt and pain. I thought that I could deal with everything on
my own. I finally had enough and broke down in front of my
best friend. My best friend listened to me and let me cry out all
of my feelings, and showed me that I am an amazing person
and do not deserve to be treated like I am worth nothing.

What I would say to someone who is in an unhealthy

relationship and is being abused:

You need to realisethat what has happenedto you is not your

fault. You need to see that you are being strong. No matter
what, you need to tell someonethat you trust so that they can
help you get your life back. People who abuse are not worth
being with and are not good. Once you are free everything
gets better. Your whole life opens up in front of you and you
can be happy again without any fear.*
*Source: http:/home.vicnet.net.au/~girlsown/readstories.htm

1
2
 What is a healthy relationship?

A healthy relationship is
Having fun together
When both people are committed and honest with each
other
Being able to spend time with your friends and on your
own
Sharing responsibilities
Taking each day as it comes and not planning every
thing in your life
Keeping your own individual self
Feeling safe and comfortable with each other, and
knowing that your partner wont harm you
Showing your partner that they can trust you by trusting
them
Respecting your partners decisions, feelings, thoughts
and ideas
Being kind to yourself and your partner
Seeing each other as equals
Expressing what you feel
Understanding each others differences

3
 What is an unhealthy relationship?

An unhealthy relationship is

If you are scared or frightened, anxious or tense when

your partner is around
If you disagree or argue a lot
If you are swamped by your partner
When there is no honesty, commitment or trust
Being scared to disagree or challenge your partners
behavior
If you cannot communicate
If your partner is constantly checking up on you
If your partner stops you seeing your friends and family
Accepting and being responsible for your partners
abusive behavior
If your partner starts physically, sexually, emotionally,
socially or financially abusing you

You are not to blame for someone elses behavior, but you
are responsible for your own.

4
 When and how to say no

When someone tries to make you do something that you

dont want to do - back away with out being aggressive
or scared and confidently say NO
Let the person know that you dont feel comfortable
When youre not ready or it isnt the right time or place
- express your feelings and be confident
Trust yourself and your instincts

5
 What you can do, and
How you can end it
You can

Talk to someone and let him or her know how you feel
Find someone that you can trust
Try talking to friends and family
Talk to your partner if you can
Try talking to your partner over the phone, rather than in
person
Try not to be alone with your partner, make sure that
there are other people around
Think of ways to stay in control
Trust your gut feelings
Contact places for support

If you are in an unhealthy relationship ask yourself is this

what I really want?
If you think that you are in an unhealthy relationship but
are unsure how to change things a number of support
organisations can offer you free and confidential help, their
details can be found at the end of this book.

6
 How to make friends

Speak your mind

Find out what you have in common
Be honest
Wave to people
Try new activities
Acknowledge others
Talk about your self
Be friendly, smile
Go places where people hang out
Talk to people, make conversation
Introduce yourself
Help people
Go to parties
Join a club
Listen to others

7
 Good things you can do for:

yourself
Trust your instincts/ gut feelings
Stand up for your beliefs
Think for yourself
Be responsible for your own actions
Feel safe before taking the next step
Look and focus on positives
Have time for yourself and your friends
If you are in an abusive relationship you should seek help
from one of the many support agencies listed at the end of this
book. No matter how respectful you are, or how communicative
you are you cannot make an abusive person change unless
they choose to.

8
Types of abuse

There are many types of abuse and they are ALL equally
harmful.

Physical abuse is

Hitting
Punching
Slapping
Pushing
Kicking
Pulling hair
Choking
Threatening to harm you in any way
You cannot make someone else violent, it is not your fault and
you cannot change his or her behavior.

Financial abuse is when someone

Withholds money, food and or transportation from you

Controls all of your income
When you have to beg your partner for money

9
Emotional, social & psychological abuse is when
someone

Puts you down

Wants you to stop spending time with your friends and
family
Intimidates you and controls your behavior
Makes you feel as if you have no one else to turn to
Humiliates and criticises you in front of others
Threatens to hurt themselves or other people
Makes you feel like youre wrong, stupid, hopeless or
inadequate
Tries to make you feel completely dependent on them
Blames you for things which you didnt do, cant control

Sexual abuse is when someone

Pressures or forces you to do sexual things that you

dont want to do
Forces you to have sex when you dont want to
Touches you in a sexual way which makes you feel
uncomfortable
Makes suggestive sexual comments
Masturbates in front of you or makes you masturbate
them
Manipulates you by saying things like youd do it if you
love me or Ill leave you if you dont or Ill hurt you if
you dont do what I want

10
 What is Date Rape?

Date rape is when someone you know socially (but not

family) makes you have sex when you dont want to. It could
be someone you met at a party or gone out with a couple of
times or someone you love and trust like your boyfriend or
girlfriend.
Sometimes we can agree to have sex with someone and then
change our mind during sex. Ifyou say you want to stop, they
should stop.
They might use physical and verbal threats, emotional
blackmail, or alcohol or drugs to force or trick you into having
sex.
It might not be sexual intercourse; it could be oral sex.
Women can be date raped by men and other women, and it
can happen to men by women and by other men.
Maybe you said yes but only because you were frightened.
This is not consent.
Rape is not about love it is about power and control.

11
 Drink Spiking some stuff you
might like to know

Drink spiking is illegal.

The majority of drink spiking victims are young women, but
drink spiking does happen to men and women of all ages.
Drink spiking can expose you to dangerous situations, such
as:
assault
robbery
sexual assault and unsafe sex
harmful reactions to drugs.

Drink spiking is often a planned crime.

Regardless of what you may have voluntarilytaken or had to

drink, it is not your fault if some one chooses to add alcohol
or drugs to your drink.

12
 Some hints to help
you stay safe
Remember friends and acquaintances also spike drinks, even
water can be spiked.
It happens at parties, pubs and clubs, anywhere where people
gather.
Be aware that because these drugs may be tasteless and/or
colourless, you may not immediately be aware that anything
unusual has been added to your drink.
Have your drink with you atall times and keep an eye on your
own and your friends drinks.
Watch your drink being poured,and only drink rf om unopened
cans and bottles.
Avoid sharing drinks and be wary of accepting drinks from
people you dont know very well, however remember that
people have their drink spiked by people they know.
If you feel dizzy or ill, ask a friend or someone you trust to
take you to a safe place.
Try to stick with your group. Potential of fenders may try to
isolate you.
If someone is acting out of character or is too drunk for the
amount consumed, get them to a safe place and stay with
them.
If you know of a drink spiker , or a high-risk venue, alert
your friends. You can even ring Crime Stoppers and stay
anonymous.

13
 How can I help a friend
if something bad has or is
happening to them?

Ask . How can I help?

Respect their privacy and confidentiality. BUT ask - are
you safe? If they are not safe get a trusted adult or service
involved.
Know your limits we want to make it all better , but often
we cant.
Dont make promises you cannot keep.

Listen to the person, let them make their own decisions

Allow them to feel and express the whole range of feelings

that they may be experiencing.
Help them find someone they can trust, someone they can
talk to about what has happened.
Remember! They are not to blame for what someone has
done to them.
You can ring any of the services in this booklet and get support
for yourself or your friend.

Remember: Violence, abuse, rape, sexual assault and

drink spiking are all crimes.

14
 Where you can get help
Anglicare Glenorchy (03) 6273 5855
Hobart (03) 6213 3 555 or Free Call: 1800 243 232
9am 4pm weekdays
Provides relationship and family counselling. Youth
shelter, crisis accommodation and medium to long-
term accommodation and housing.
Provides free and confidential support service for
young people, parents and families, to talk about
issues at home.

Anglicare: Options Hobart (03) 62 343 510

Anglicare: Options Glenorchy (03) 6273 5855

Free Call: 1800 243 232
Hours 9am to 4pm weekdays. Options is a free and
confidential support service for young people, parents
and families, to talk about hassles at home.

Annie Kenny Young Womens Refuge Inc.

(03) 62 727 751 (24 hours 7 days a week)
Provides crisis accommodation to single women.

Australian Red Cross Free Call: 1800 246 850

Save A Mate Program - Drug and Alcohol program for
Youth

15
Bethlehem House (03) 62 344 594
Provides accommodation to men.

Centacare (03) 62 781 660

Provides relationship and family counselling.
Crisis accommodation and medium to long-term
accommodation and housing

Colony 47 Free Call: 1800 265 669

Colony 47: JPET (03) 62 319 977

15 to 21 years of age. Housing, health, relationships,
income, recreation, getting you to college, TAFE, Uni,
finding you work, traineeships, and work experience,
paying for course fees, books, and travel expenses.

Colony 47: Mara House (03) 62 281 564

Mara House offers medium to long-term
accommodation for young women aged 12 to 18 and
also a crisis bed for up to two weeks, for one young
woman under the age of 16. The house is for single
young women who are at risk of being homeless
because of family conflict, violence, sexual abuse or
for economic reasons. They will support in obtaining
an income, learning living skills and will refer to other
support agencies.

16
Colony 47: Reconnect (03) 62 319 022
Reconnect is for 12 to 18 year old people who
are at risk of homelessness or who are homeless.
Reconnect aims to re-connect young people with their
family members. They also offer a mobile service
so they can visit at home and also an after-hours
appointment service.

Family Violence Counselling and Support Service

Free Call: 1800 608 122

Family Violence Response and Referral Line

Free Call: 1800 633 937
This line is staffed 24 hours a day, 7 days a week
including public holidays.

Family Planning 2 Midwood Street New Town

(03) 62 285 244 or 62 285 422
Sexual and reproductive health and education
services.

Hobart Womens Health Centre 25 Lefroy Street North

Hobart (03) 62 313 212
Information and referral to appropriate services and
support, individual counselling, information about
health issues, G.P. sessions and pregnancy testing
and referral. Free library.

17
Holyoake 127 Davey Street Hobart (03) 62 241 777
Provides counselling for families and others affected
by alcohol or other addictions.

Holyoake: GETOFF. Program is for 12 18 year olds who

are having difficulties at home, at school or with the
law due to alcohol/drug use, anger, crime and other
behaviours.

Huon Domestic Violence Service (03) 62 642 222

Provides information, client support and referral, crisis
counselling and telephone counselling. Provides
service co-ordination and community education
within the Huon Valley. A free and confidential service
available to all who reside within the Huon Valley.

Legal Aid Commission of Tasmania

Free Call: 1300 366 611
Provides free legal advice

Mens Line Free Call: 1300 789 978

Provides telephone support to men with family and
relationship concerns

Mens Health Services (03) 62 227 650

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Pulse Youth Health Centre 2 Terry Street Glenorchy
(03) 62 338 900
A safe, friendly place for all young people to get
together for entertainment, activities and support.

S.H.E. (Support Help and Empowerment Inc.)

(03) 62 789 090 9am to 4.30pm weekdays. Messages
may be left at any time. S.H.E. is a free, confidential
support service for all women affected by abusive
relationships. S.H.E. offers face to face and telephone
counselling, support groups, information and referral
to services and resources.

TasCAHRD (Tasmanian Council on Aids, Hepatitis and

Related Diseases Inc.) 319 Liverpool Street Hobart
(03) 62 341 242
TasCAHRD offers support for people living with
HIV/Aids, hepatitis and related diseases. Health
promotions for homosexually active men, support for
injecting drug users, sex workers and young people
and also a needle exchange program.

Information, Referral and Support Line 9am to 5pm

Monday to Friday. Free Call: 1800 005 900

Gay and Bisexual Support Line 9am to 5pm Monday

to Friday. Free Call: 1800 633 900

Alcohol and Drug 24-hour Information Line.

Free Call: 1800 811 994

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Tasmanian Aboriginal Centre (03) 62 348 311
The Tasmanian Aboriginal Centre offers family
counselling, support and referral programs, also health
programs, youth worker, an emotional and social well-
being program and a registered nurse. Clinics open all
day Monday and half day Tuesday to Friday.

The Link 57 Liverpool Street Hobart (03) 62 312 927

Free, confidential and safe service for young people
12 to 24 years of age. Also information, support,
counselling, referral, advocacy, education and health
promotion.

Womens Legal Service Free Call: 1800 682 468

Womens Legal Service Free Call: 1800 682 468

Working it Out (03) 62 311 200

Provides sexuality and gender support , education
services, counselling and mentoring for lesbian, gay,
bisexual, transgender and intersex Tasmanians.

Youth Accommodation Services (03) 62 243 090

Provides accommodation to young men

Youth Arc (03) 62 315 150 Provides recreational,

entertainment, arts and cultural opportunities for
young people as well as youth support work.

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Sexual Assault Support Service - SASS

Galileo House Child/Youth Trauma Centre provides

counselling and support for survivors of sexual
assault from 0 to 18 years, also family members and
support people. This service also provides counselling
and support for children up to 12 years and families
for problem sexual behaviour issues.
Galileo House is located at 73 Federal St, North
Hobart and is open Monday to Friday
9 am to 5 pm. Please phone (03) 6231 0044 to make
an appointment.

Melaleuca Trauma and Recovery Centre provides two

services to our community. These are;
crisis counselling, support with police statements, and
coordinates medical and/or Forensic examinations if
required by victims of recent sexual assault people of all
ages. 24 hours 7 days a week (03) 6231 1817
individual counselling and group programs for any
survivors of sexual assault 18 years and older, also
family members and support people.
Melaleuca Centre is located at 9597 Campbell St Hobart and
is open Monday to Friday 9 am to 5 pm. Please phone (03)
6231 1811 to make an appointment.
SASS is a free service funded through the Department of
Health and Human Services and SAAP.

21
 Services on the internet

www.aboutdaterape.nsw.gov.au
Heaps of information about dating, drink spiking and being
safe when going out.

www.beyondblue.org.au
Support for when you are feeling blue

www.burstingthebubble.com
A great site if things arent ok in the family. Quizzes
stories help ideas.

www.domesticviolence.org/content.html
Domestic Violence handbook. American site with a range of
information.

www.kidshelp.com.au
Information about supports available

www.reachout.asn.au/home.asp
Information about sorting stuff out, finding help and
chilling out.

22
 www.relationships.com.au
Information about services offered by Relationships
Australia, including relationship issues, gambling issues
and contact numbers in each state.

www.sass.org.au
Lots of information about sexual assault and links to other
supports

www.she.org.au
Tasmanian site. Lots of information about domestic violence
including lesbian abuse, dating abuse, as well as booklets
and reports.

www.vicnet.net.au
Go to fast find and click on family When love hurts.
One of the best guides for girls on love, respect and abuse
in relationships.
Good stories and information on healthy relationships for
women.

www.youthabuse.dhhs.tas.gov.au
Great Tasmanian information for anyone wanting to know
and recognise healthy and unhealthy relationships. Case
studies and good links.

23
Emergency numbers

Police 000

Kids Help Line 1800 551 800

Beyond Blue 1300 224 636

Family Violence Response and Referral Line

1800 633 937

Life Line 131 114

Sexual Assault Support Service Crisis Line

(03) 62 311 817

24
 If you are in an abusive relationship

Always remember:

You are not alone.

You are not to blame.
Its not your fault,
and you can get help.

25
 Thanks

The Human Interactions class at ClaremontCollege. Mathew

Wearne (Design), Jessica McLauchlan (Illustrations), Wayne
Brookes, Garry Rizzolo and the Human Interactions class
from The Hobart College. Robert Stokes. And to all those who
have been involved.

Jane Barlow: Youth Project Officer

This booklet has been reprinted through the W

omen in Prison
Health, Art and Education Project.
To all the women who participated in this, a specia l thank
you.

Anne Stephens; Project Officer

26
 This booklet was prepared by S.H.E.
(Support, Help and Empowerment Inc.)
www.she.org.au
A project funded by the Tasmanian Government through the
Community Support Levy
October 2000
Updated and reprinted April 2004
This project was assisted by the State Government through the
Of.ce of Youth Affairs from the Youth Advisory Services Funding
Program 2003/2004.
Updated and reprinted May 2008
This project was assisted through a grant from the Tasmanian
Community Fund Board Women in Prison Health, Art and
Education Project
Auspice SASS (Sexual Assault Support Service Inc.)
www.sass.org.au