A Rumination on Sixth Grade English

I've always had an advanced vocabulary. Thats not me aggrandizing; thats just candor. I

was always the teachers pet, not only because I had an advanced lexicon, but also because I

listened to the teachers and did my work -- which, apparently, arent normal characteristics of

middle schoolers.

While most of my teachers liked me, the feelings werent always reciprocated. Luckily,

Im great at pretending to not despise people when I need to, so problems usually didnt arise.

Except in sixth grade English class with Mrs. Hoffman. You see, as a sixth grader I was fully

aware that my speech was...unusual. Advanced, may be a more diplomatic term. I was aware that

most kids my age didn't know the words I knew; that was fine. An English teacher not knowing

them? I think they should. But what takes an unlettered teacher from being inconvenient to

inexcusable is their condescension. Mrs. Hoffman was the southern version of a northeastern

socialite.

The first book we read with her was Agatha Christies And Then There Were None, which is one

of my favorite books, actually. Growing up reading Agatha Christie is probably one of the

reasons Im so paranoid, but thats neither here nor there. Our first assignment with the book was

to read chapter one and circle the words we didnt know. Being the good student that I was, I did

as I was told.

In class, we were listing the words we didnt recognize and Mrs. Hoffman was writing

them on the board. How about you Addison? What words did you circle? Youre quieter than

usual today. She sashays over to my desk and before I can respond, shes yanked the book out

of my hand and is flipping through it, Why on earth didnt you do the assignment? I-Im
sorry, Mrs. Hofman. I did. I didnt find any words that I dont know. Hmph! She turns on the

heel of her stiletto and marches back to the board. Thats when things got...strained.

She points to the first word on the board and glares expectantly. Addison? Would you

care to define these? Exhale. Yes, Mrs. Hoffman. An abode is a place of residence, like a

house.

Illegible? Your class structure, I thought but didnt say.

Not clear enough to read.

Communion.

An exchange of intimate thoughts and feelings, unless used in a religious context. Then it refers

to a specific action in the Church.

Bask.

To lie in and enjoy warmth, usually of the sun.

Correspondent.

A person who writes letters. For Mrs. Hoffman, that was probably the Devil himself.

This continued for the rest of the class period. I usually try to give people a chance,

maybe she was having a bad day, maybe a lot of students made that claim to avoid doing

homework, I dont know. But by the time the bell rang, vengeance had been vowed. Being the

goody-two-shoes, books-are-my-only-friends child that I was, vengeance didnt mean taking

action. Vengeance meant being myself, unfiltered atypical words and all. Specifically, words

Mrs. Hoffman didnt know.

The first word I slipped into class discussion was milieu while talking about the social

dynamic on the island in And Then There Were None. Mrs. Hoffman was taken aback, but
otherwise didnt react. I used the word plethora next, but she she was able to figure out that one

from context. This went on for weeks.

It was the word cognizant that finally got to her. I dont remember what we were

discussing...we were down to...three little soldier boys walking in a zoo. I dont remember my

sentence either, but I do remember Mrs. Hoffmans reaction. Smile evilly.

Her face changed colors like a time lapse sunset. The first color was a shade of pink only

found in Chanel perfume commercials. Then her face brightened to that shade of red that

socialites always wear to the Met Gala. In true Mrs. Hoffman style, her flushed face matched her

shoes. Maybe she knew this moment was coming.

Ive had quiet enough of this, miss Addison!

(feigning innocence) Im sorry, Mrs. Hoffman. Whats wrong?

You know exactly what youre doing and Im sick of it!

Im truly sorry, Mrs. Hoffman. Youll have to elucidate.

Stop using words that you dont know to make yourself feel superior!

In retrospect, Id like to offer kudos to Mrs. Hoffman for using a polysyllabic word.

Mrs. Hoffman, I dont use words I dont know; I dont know them.

(angry lip puckering) If I dont know them, then you dont know them.

PAUSE.

Yes, Mrs. Hoffman. I apologize if I was perceived as ill-mannered; I am only attempting to

proliferate the inventory of my vernacular.

The beauty of this feud was that she couldnt send me to the principal. First off, she

didnt know what I was saying so she couldnt exactly report it. And second of all, an English

teacher getting a kid in trouble because they were using big words isnt an ideal situation. So,
you might prefer five dollar words or fifty-cent words, but outsmarting my sixth grade English

teacher was definitely priceless. Hey, just because I like big words doesnt mean Im above

wordplay. Thank you.