The Ugliest Dog in The World

THE UGLIEST DOG IN THE WORLD
Written By
Chris Qualls and Anna Weinstein
919-619-1939
TheRealStory@live.com
COPYRIGHT 2012
EXT. CAMPING TENT - DAY
A medium-sized camping tent sits on a manicured lawn. Trees
are seen behind the tent. The sound of children playing comes
from inside the tent. A fun game of football is turning
serious.
INT. CAMPING TENT - DAY

Once inside we see that these are not children at all, but
two fully grown men, ALBUQUERQUE and STEVE, who shall be
referred to collectively as THE BOYS.
The boys are throwing a football and it is far too cramped
for this. The floor/grass is strewn with empty potato chip
bags, crushed potato chips, beanbags and other junk.
Albuquerque gets hit in the face with the ball.
ALBUQUERQUE
Ow!!! Stupid!
STEVE
It was an accident!
ALBUQUERQUE
Stupid!
STEVE
You werent looking.
ALBUQUERQUE
Its called football, not faceball.
STEVE
(laughs )
Huh!
ALBUQUERQUE
Whats so funny?
STEVE
Faceball. (laughing) Huh!
ALBUQUERQUE
(laughing )
Huh!
STEVE
I want to go outside.
ALBUQUERQUE
No!
STEVE
Hes asleep. Its 3 oclock. Nap
time.
2.
ALBUQUERQUE
No way. Too risky.
STEVE
He wont see us. We can stand on
the other side of the tent.
Albuquerque hesitates, considering this.
ALBUQUERQUE
Okay...
STEVE
Yes!
ALBUQUERQUE
Lets do it!
Albuquerque and Steve each kiss the palm of their own right
hands and touch a photo of a woman in her fifties which hangs
from the inside of the tent - the woman hugs two boys, ages
eight and six. They have her eyes.
The boys bravely exit the tent.
EXT. UNCLE JOHN'S MANSION, BACKYARD - DAY

The boys emerge from the tent and look up fearfully at the
giant house looming in the distance. No one is in sight. They
rush around behind the tent and begin throwing the ball again
tentatively. This time they giggle with excitement. They
spread out further and further, until they can throw
comfortably. Now THIS is football.
BLAAAAAAAM!!! The ball explodes in mid-air.
The boys scream and dive into the grass.
We see UNCLE JOHN in an old-fashioned wheelchair on the
spacious second floor terrace. He is wielding a smoking
shotgun. He sports an eyepatch and looks rather well-worn.
A young woman in her mid-twenties stands beside him with her
fingers in her ears. Uncle John smiles at her, deranged. She
smiles back patronizingly as she chomps on bubble gum. She
looks bored.
UNCLE JOHN
(screaming at the boys )
GET A JOB!!!
The boys run into the tent.
ALBUQUERQUE
Aaaah!
3.
UNCLE JOHN
GROW UP!!!!
Uncle John hurls bags of potato chips at them and wads of
money. The young woman wheels Uncle John back into the house.
UNCLE JOHN (CONT'D)
(to himself, mumbling )
Disgusting. Enormous toddlers.
Albuquerque extends a nervous hand from the tent and grabs a
wad of money. Steve's arm reaches out and grabs a bag of
chips.
EXT. POND - DAY

Albuquerque and Steve "fish" at a pond with with long sticks
and some string. Their friends, MARCUS and BILL, accompany
them.
MARCUS
Why don't you just move out?
ALBUQUERQUE
No! We have the perfect life. We
don't pay rent. We've got our own
place.
BILL
You live in a tent.
ALBUQUERQUE
(sincerely)
I know...we're very lucky.
Steve "catches" an old boot.
INT. MARCUS'S HOUSE - DAY

The boys are sitting at a table. Focused and concentrating.
MARCUS
Is your uncle still trying to kill
you?
STEVE
Can we change the subject?
ALBUQUERQUE
Go fish.
They play cards.
4.
MARCUS
If you could be any kind of liquid
what would you be?
BILL
Water!
MARCUS
(almost overlapping him )
LAME.
ALBUQUERQUE
Soap!
BILL
Soap is not a liquid.
ALBUQUERQUE
Liquid soap.
BILL
Oh yeah.
MARCUS
Steve?
STEVE
(focusing hard on his
cards )
Huh?
MARCUS
What kind of liquid would you be if
you could be any liquid?
STEVE
Soap.
Albuquerque and Steve high-five.
ALBUQUERQUE
Yeah!
STEVE
That's right.
BILL
HEY!
ALBUQUERQUE
What?
BILL
You can't pick the same liquid!
That's totally cheating.
5.
MARCUS
Go fish.
BILL
Shuttup, Marcus.
MARCUS
Tell me to shut up again in my own
house.
BILL
Shuttup!
MARCUS
It's on.
Marcus lunges for Bill.
BILL
Stay away from me!!! Aaaaaaahh!!!
They fight. Marcus gets Bill in a headlock. Albuquerque and
Steve laugh, but try to stay out of the fight. The table
breaks. Cards are strewn everywhere.
A WOMAN'S VOICE (O.C.)
Marcus! What is going on?!?
MARCUS
Nothing Mom!
A WOMAN'S VOICE (O.C.)
If you break anything!
MARCUS
I'm not a baby!
EXT. CHILDREN'S PARK, JUNGLE GYM - DAY

The boys are now outside at a children's park, but the fight
continues seamlessly. Marcus still has Bill in a headlock.
Bill breaks the headlock, Marcus runs, Bill chases. During
the pursuit they climb a piece of play equipment that is
clearly meant for young kids. Marcus shoves a couple of
children out of the way in the process.
Albuquerque and Steve swing on the swing set.
A silly cell phone ring is heard.
ALBUQUERQUE
Oh crap!
Albuquerque jumps off the swing and reaches into his back
pocket and produces what appears to be a large cordless home
phone. He extends the antenna.
6.
ALBUQUERQUE (CONT'D)
Hello?
Marcus and Bill continue to fight and wrestle loudly. Marcus
has regained the upper hand. Bill is on the ground with
Marcus's knee on the side of his head and his arm twisted
around behind him.
Hello!?!
(to the guys )
Hey!! I can't hear!
MARCUS
(to Bill )
What's your favorite liquid?!?
BILL
No!
MARCUS
Say the name of your favorite
liquid!
BILL
Ahhhhh!!!!
STEVE
Just say it!
MARCUS
Say it!
BILL
AAAAaaaah! Okay, okay! The milk at
the bottom of the cereal bowl when
the cereal is all gone!!
MARCUS
Wrong! Soap!!
ALBUQUERQUE
(into the phone)
Yes? Uh-huh? Oh no...
The boys suddenly focus on Albuquerque.
Oh that's terrible. Okay, we'll be
right there.
The boys are silent now, staring at Albuquerque. Marcus
loosens his grip on Bill slightly.
STEVE
What happened?
7.
Albuquerque is speechless.
EXT. UNCLE JOHN'S MANSION - DAY

Albuquerque and Steve approach the driveway to their Uncle's
estate on bicycles that are too small for them. They are
nervous.
They ring the doorbell and wait. MR. DEVLIN, appears at the
door in a suit.
MR. DEVLIN
Welcome.
INT. UNCLE JOHN'S MANSION, LIVING ROOM - DAY

The boys enter the house and look around in awe. It is filled
with beautiful artwork and collectibles and a massive TV.
MR. DEVLIN
Have a seat. I'll be right with
you.
The boys sit. Mr. Devlin goes into another room. They
immediately stand again and begin touching the collectibles
in the room.
STEVE
Look at this...
Steve picks up a sculpture from its pedestal.
STEVE (CONT'D)
What is this cra...?
He accidentally drops it and it smashes on the floor. He
looks to Albuquerque, horrified.
ALBUQUERQUE
Oh God.
STEVE
Oh wow. Oh wow. Gravity! I forgot
about gravity. Wow!
They huddle on the ground and attempt to reassemble the
statue to no avail. Albuquerque finds a valuable looking bowl
nearby and they fill the bowl with the broken pieces.
Loud voices are heard coming from another room. The boys
can't help but listen as they clean up the mess.
PATTY (O.C.)
That money is MINE! I don't care
what you say!
8.
MR. DEVLIN (O.C.)

Well, you'll have to take that up
in court.
PATTY (O.C.)
We were practically MARRIED! He
LOVED me!
MR. DEVLIN (O.C.)
You met him two months ago when you
were hired as his nurse and you
have no legal entitlement to the
estate.
Albuquerque puts the bowl on the pedestal. They try to look
cool, but stand awkwardly.
PATTY LUCRECIOUS enters furiously.
PATTY
I'll see you in COURT!!!
Patty rages towards the front door. Suddenly she sees the
boys.
She artificially calms herself, then eyeballs Albuquerque and
Steve as she stalks past them, all the while chewing
provocatively on a toothpick. She is gone.
Mr. Devlin reenters.
MR. DEVLIN
Sorry about that. Is everything
alright?
STEVE AND ALBUQUERQUE
Yes.
STEVE
I didn't break it...
ALBUQUERQUE
It was very slippery...
STEVE
The sun was in my eyes...
MR. DEVLIN
(gesturing to the couch
politely )
Please...
The boys sit. MR. DEVLIN starts a DVD on the giant TV, and
dims the lights with a remote control. The boys watch the TV
transfixed. Uncle John appears on the screen in a wheelchair,
with a blanket covering his lap. He looks as mean as ever.
9.
UNCLE JOHN
If you are watching this then I
must be dead. Steve and
Albuquerque... My nephews. You are
my only family. Im ashamed to
admit it cause youre a couple of
worthless idiots. Pathetic. Its
like I got Peter Pan times two
flittin around my backyard. Get a
life! Before your mama died she
made me promise to take care of you
two or Id a-sold you both to the
circus years ago. The reason for
this video is to let you know that
if you two morons wish to live in
this house and inherit my money,
TEN MILLION DOLLARS IN CASH AND
STOCKS, then you must care for my
greatest treasure. One I hold above
all else in this miserable world.
Daddys little baby my boo-boo
beloved: Peeps.
Uncle John lifts up an animal of some kind from the blanket
in his lap. It looks to be a breed of giant rat. The head is
teeming with long dirty-blond hair, but the torso is bald and
covered in what appear to be countless liver age spots. The
skin is pinkish-brown and there is a two-inch black patch of
hair growing from the side of it's stomach.
UNCLE JOHN (CONT'D)
Keep her safe and healthy for three
months and my estate and money are
yours.
(putting his ear to
Peeps's mouth )
What's that? Whassat? Oh yeah. And
another thing. In that same three
months time, Peeps must win an
international dog show as well...
or you get nothin.
(to himself )
Yeah... dog show... thats good...
I like the sound of that... I like
pancakes too... I like them tasty
pancakes. Mmmm...syrup, with those
little sausage links...
(speaking to someone off
camera )
Get me out of here. My bag is full!
The video ends and Mr. Devlin dials the lights back up. He
looks to the boys. They are fast asleep on each other's
shoulders, snoring lightly.
10.
MR. DEVLIN
Ahemmm!
The boys wake slowly and stretch and yawn audibly. Steve
smacks his lips.
STEVE
Aaauhh! Who took my covers?
ALBUQUERQUE
(covering his eyes )
So bright.
Mr. Devlin is shocked.
MR. DEVLIN
Did you hear nothing?
ALBUQUERQUE
What?
STEVE
Where am I?
The boys are suddenly wide awake.
ALBUQUERQUE
I didn't break it!
STEVE
He did it!
ALBUQUERQUE
I did not!
MR. DEVLIN
Children! Listen! Gentlemen.
The boys are silent.
MR. DEVLIN (CONT'D)
How much of the video did you see?
The boys look confused.
ALBUQUERQUE
Which...
STEVE
...Video?
ALBUQUERQUE
What...?
STEVE
My mouth tastes funny.
11.
ALBUQUERQUE
I'm hungry.
MR. DEVLIN
Oh lord.
INT. UNCLE JOHN'S MANSION, KITCHEN - DAY

The boys are eating granola cereal with milk. Mr. Delvin
paces. He stops to focus.
MR. DEVLIN
Alright...
STEVE
This is really good. I like
granola.
ALBUQUERQUE
I can't hear you while I'm chewing.
STEVE
What?
ALBUQUERQUE
(loudly )
Whatever you're saying I can't hear
you because this is crunchy.
STEVE
(loudly )
This is really crunchy.
ALBUQUERQUE
I can't hear you.
STEVE
What?
ALBUQUERQUE
What?
STEVE
What?
ALBUQUERQUE
What!?!
STEVE
I can't hear you! This cereal is
really crunchy!
ALBUQUERQUE
I'm chewing this crunchy cereal. I
can't hear you.
12.
MR. DEVLIN
Okay! Please stop chewing for a
moment!
They continue to chew. Mr. Devlin takes their bowls.
STEVE
Hey!
MR. DEVLIN
I'm going to keep this simple. Your
Uncle John has left you this house
and property and millions of
dollars...
STEVE
In money?
MR
Yes, in money. As long as you take
care of his favorite pet, Peeps,
and... and win an international dog
show within the next 90 days.
The boys stare dumbfounded. A silence, then...
ALBUQUERQUE
Who is he talking to?
STEVE
Is he talking to you?
ALBUQUERQUE
(looking over his
shoulder behind him)
He's not talking to me...
MR. DEVLIN
Do you want to move into this
gorgeous house and live like
millionaires?!?
STEVE
What about our tent?
Albuquerque looks horrified.
ALBUQUERQUE
Yeah, our tent?
Mr. Devlin is in shock. Stupefied, he finds a large
leather-bound book and searches through it.
MR. DEVLIN
Yes, here it is. That tent belongs
to your uncle's estate.
13.
ALBUQUERQUE
And the grass?
MR. DEVLIN
Yes the grass as well.
STEVE
And the dirt?!?
MR. DEVLIN
YES, THE DIRT AS WELL!
The boys exchange a terrified glance.
EXT. UNCLE JOHN'S MANSION, DRIVEWAY - DAY

The boys stand looking at something on the ground in the
driveway of the grand estate. Mr. Devlin stands behind them
also looking at the same spot.
MR. DEVLIN
Well. I'll leave you to it.
Mr. Devlin gently hands Albuquerque the photo of the woman
from the tent. He then enters the house through the front
door. He turns back to the boys from inside the foyer.
MR. DEVLIN (CONT'D)
You have three months.
(sincerely)
Good luck.
He closes the door.
The boys turn back to the driveway. They lower themselves to
the ground, laying on their stomachs. We see now that they
are looking at a large animal carrier. In the front of the
carrier, near the caged door, is Peeps. She sits comfortably,
leaning against a cushion. The carrier is much too large for
her.
Steve grabs a nearby rake and begins to gently prod the
carrier.
STEVE
What is it?
ALBUQUERQUE
I think it's a pig.
STEVE
The eyes look like a snake.
ALBUQUERQUE
It only has ONE eye.
14.
STEVE
Like a Cyclops.
ALBUQUERQUE
I know! I know! What's a klysops?
STEVE
A one-eyed monster!
Peeps, annoyed by the gentle prodding of the rake, moves to
the back of the carrier where the boys cannot see her because
of the angle.
ALBUQUERQUE
Wait...
STEVE
Where...
ALBUQUERQUE
I don't...
STEVE
What...
ALBUQUERQUE
AAaaaaaaaahhh!
Albuquerque suddenly leaps to his feet and away from the
cage, grasping at his own back.
STEVE
What!!!???!!!
ALBUQUERQUE
Oh nooooooo!!! Is it on me? What's
on me?!?
STEVE
Aaaaahhh! Don't yank it out...!
ALBUQUERQUE
Something's on me!
STEVE
...Don't yank it out, or it'll
leave the head lodged in your skin
and then it'll lay eggs in your
stomach!
ALBUQUERQUE
I think it already did! Do you see
the eggs?
STEVE
I think so! I'm pretty sure I saw
an egg!
15.
Steve grabs a branch from a nearby bush and begins beating

Albuquerque mercilessly with it.
ALBUQUERQUE
Get it off me!
STEVE
Stay away from me! I don't want to
die!
ALBUQUERQUE
Help me!
STEVE
I'm sorry! I did what I could do!
ALBUQUERQUE
Get the eggs before they hatch!
Steve grabs a garden hose with a high-pressure nozzle and
begins spraying Albuquerque savagely. They are both in a high
panic.
Peeps walks back to the front of the carrier and relaxes
again on the cushion.
Steve sees her moving out of the corner of his eye. He looks
at Peeps, but the water is still beating down on Albuquerque.
Aaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!
STEVE
Hey.
ALBUQUERQUE
AAaaaah!
STEVE
Hey!
Albuquerque looks through the spraying water and sees Peeps.
Steve releases the hose handle. The water stops. Albuquerque
is soaked. The boys both look at Peeps.
EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - DAY

The boys are on their tiny bikes, lugging the pet carrier
with great difficulty. It hangs between them, suspended in
the middle of a long stick (perhaps the rake from before), so
that they don't put themselves in danger. Albuquerque is not
as wet as before.
16.
EXT. DR. KIM'S VETERINARY CLINIC - DAY

The boys enter the parking lot for the vet clinic.
Albuquerque is now almost dry.
The boys approach the front door with the carrier, still
carrying it with the stick.
INT. DR. KIM'S VETERINARY CLINIC, FRONT OFFICE - DAY

The front office is clean and antiseptic. Animal posters hang
on the walls. The receptionist looks at them as if they are
trouble.
RECEPTIONIST
What you need?
ALBUQUERQUE
We're here to see Dr...
(he reads from a note he
has written on his hand )
INT. DR. KIM'S VETERINARY CLINIC, EXAM ROOM - DAY

Dr. Kim enters with a clipboard. She is a young woman, early
twenties, pretty but unsteady on her feet.
She tries to shake their hands, but has some difficulty doing
this. She seems intoxicated.
DR. KIM
Dr. Kim, I'm Peeps' Doctor.
ALBUQUERQUE
I'm Albuquerque. This is my
brother, Steve.
STEVE
(smitten with her and
smiling )
Hi.
Dr. Kim returns his smile. Her eyes reveal an instant crush
on Steve.
DR. KIM
Hi.
STEVE
Hi.
DR. KIM
Hi.
17.
STEVE
Hi.
ALBUQUERQUE
Uh...okay. What do we do with this
animal? That's all we need to know.
DR. KIM
Yes, well, I"ll need to see Peeps
daily for the next three months.
ALBUQUERQUE
Daily?
STEVE
Every day, that's good. That's
good.
DR. KIM
Yes, it has to be daily. That's
what your uncle stipulated in the
will.
Dr. Kim begins to open the cage.
ALBUQUERQUE
What are you doing?!?
DR. KIM
I'm just checking her over.
ALBUQUERQUE
Not while I'm in here. That thing
is ruthless.
STEVE
Kerky, come on...
ALBUQUERQUE
Outta here...
Albuquerque exits the exam room, closing the door as he
leaves.
EXT. DR. KIM'S VETERINARY CLINIC - DAY

Albuquerque comes out the front door irritated. He paces and
runs his fingers through his hair, then takes off on his
bike.
INT. DR. KIM'S VETERINARY CLINIC, CLINIC HALLWAY - DAY

Dr. Kim has Peeps in her arms. She puts Peeps down and
watches her walk. She is kind of adorable.
18.
DR. KIM
She's looking great. Very healthy.
Pardon me being off-balance. I have
a rare inner-ear condition that
makes me off-kilter.
Steve and Dr. Kim walk together with Peeps.
STEVE
Why is he...so ugly?
DR. KIM
Peeps is a girl.
STEVE
I dont understand that.
DR. KIM
Like Little Bo Peep. Thats her
real name. Peeps is for short.
STEVE
(thinking she might be a
little stupid )
Hes a girl?
DR. KIM
(smiling )
Yes.
STEVE
Then why does he look like that?
Girls are...(looking into Dr. Kim's
eyes)...pretty.
DR. KIM
(smiling and excited)
Well, thats hard to say
specifically. Population genetic
studies of dogs have focused on
analysis of mitochondrial DNA, but
we need to study biallelic
Y-chromosome polymorphisms in
greater depth to understand the
Crested's particular congenital
idiosyncrasies, such as Patellar
Luxation and Progressive Retinal
Atrophy.
STEVE
(totally mesmerized )
Yes.
DR. KIM
They stare into each others eyes. Dr. Kim sways back and
forth while standing in the same place. Steve follows her
19.
movement with his head.

DR. KIM (CONT'D)
(giggling )
Hm. What are you doing?
STEVE
I dont know.
He realizes Albuquerque is probably waiting and angry.
STEVE (CONTD) (CONT'D)
Oh, I have to go!
DR. KIM
Okay, well be careful with Peeps.
Shes a cutie.
STEVE
(overwhelmed and waving )
Youre a cutie! I mean...! I mean,
okay!
Dr. Kim smiles and laughs awkwardly and cannot contain her
embarrassed joy.
INT. DR. KIM'S VETERINARY CLINIC, EXIT CASHIER - DAY

Steve attempts to pay the receptionist. His wallet is
overstuffed with wads of cash and grass, presumably from the
money that Uncle John throws them.
RECEPTIONIST
No charge. It's on your uncle's
bill.
STEVE
Oh, thanks.
Steve exits out the side door. In his haste he leaves his
wallet behind. The receptionist doesn't see it. She walks
away from the desk leaving his wallet alone.
EXT. DR. KIM'S VETERINARY CLINIC, SIDE DOOR - DAY

On his way out Steve bumps into MILDRED. She has a large mole
on her right cheekbone with a hair protruding from it.
MILDRED
Oh, excuse me.
STEVE
Sorry.
20.
MILDRED
Ohhhhh. What a lovely Chinese
Crested you have there.
STEVE
Oh, thanks. What's a Chinese
Crested?
MILDRED
It's the kind of dog you have,
silly. I have a Chinese Crested
too. Ping-Pong!
Mildred points to her shirt. Her t-shirt says "I [heart]
PING-PONG!"
MILDRED (CONT'D)
She's getting a checkup inside!
STEVE
Nice to meet you. I'm in a little
hurry...
MILDRED
The pleasure's all mine. We should
get the girls together sometime!
STEVE
Sure. We're kind of busy right now,
because we're trying to win an
international dog show with her.
But hopefully we can do that by
this weekend, so we might have time
next week.
MILDRED
Okay.
STEVE
Bye.
MILDRED
Bye-bye.
Steve walks away. Mildred's smile drops slowly. She watches
after Steve and waves silently. She has a strange look in her
eye.
EXT. DR. KIM'S VETERINARY CLINIC, PARKING LOT - DAY

Steve walks into the parking lot with Peeps in the carrier.
Checks his pocket for his wallet. Realizes he has left it
inside.
21.
INT. DR. KIMS ANIMAL HOSPITAL - DAY

Steve reenters the side door. He goes to where his wallet lay
before. It is gone.
A mysterious figure stands all the way down the hall BEHIND
him in the SHADOWS. He senses someone looking at him. He
turns, but the figure vanishes into an exam room just before
he sees her.
Steve is a little creeped out.
He sets Peeps's carrier on the floor. Then he slowly walks
down the long hallway. What was that? Did that "person" take
his wallet?
He makes it to the closed door of the exam room into which
the figure vanished. Steve slowly - slowly - pulls the door
open. It is dark inside. But he sees something. What is it?
An animal? We cant see what it is, but Steve certainly
catches a horrible glimpse. Something growls at Steve. He
recoils and runs down the hall, grabbing Peeps's carrier as
he rushes out the side door.
EXT. SIDEWALK - DAY

Steve is on his bike now and lugging Peeps's carrier all by
himself. Albuquerque is nowhere to be seen. Steve calls him
on his incredibly tiny cell phone.
INT. LIBRARY COMPUTER LAB - DAY

ALBUQUERQUE
What?
INTERCUT PHONE CONVERSATION

STEVE
Where are you?
ALBUQUERQUE
(loud whisper )
The library.
Albuquerque sits in front of a computer. A sign says COMPUTER
LAB OPEN 24 HOURS.
STEVE
Do you believe in monsters?
ALBUQUERQUE
Yes. Why?
22.
STEVE
I just saw something...I'll tell
you later. Why are you at the
library?
ALBUQUERQUE
Well, while you were flirting with
that off-balance lady, I sent the
dog's picture into seven different
dog competitions and we've been
rejected from all of them.
STEVE
What!?!
INT. LIBRARY COMPUTER SCREEN - DAY

MONTAGE OF SKYPE VIDEO
SEVERE MAN WITH GOATEE
My dear boy, I looked at the photo
you just sent me and that is the
ugliest dog I've ever seen in my
life.
FANCY WOMAN IN SUNGLASSES
The Southchester Dog Competition is
looking for beauty and grace. Your
dog is...lacking!
POSH MAN IN AN EXPENSIVE SUIT
You MUST be joking. It looks like
some sort of BAT.
RICH WOMAN WITH BEAUTIFUL DOG ON HER LAP
I have one word. "Ew."
The dog on the RICH WOMAN'S lap barks and growls.
The Rich Woman bangs a key on her keyboard and the screen
goes black.
CUT BACK TO:
INTERCUT PHONE CONVERSATION CONTINUED:

ALBUQUERQUE
We need to get this dog to win an
international competition or we can
kiss our tent and our old life
goodbye forever.
STEVE
Hey,...
(fumbling for something
(MORE)
23.
STEVE (CONT'D)
in his pocket )
....Dr. Kim gave me the name of a
dog trainer.
(reading a slip of paper )
Estefan Diablo. He's very famous
and he's in town for just a few
days. Maybe he can help!
ALBUQUERQUE
She looks horrible. He'll take one
look at her and say "forget it!"
STEVE
We've got to get her ready!

MONTAGE WITH MUSIC
The boys wash Peeps.
The boys dry Peeps and style her hair.
The boys try a fur coat on her to cover her hairless skin.
The boys try a small brown paper bag over her head and a
bigger brown paper bag over her body. The boys wear matching
bags on their heads.
They look at the black hair tag on her leg in disgust. They
put a pink bow on it. They put bows on her head and tail. Too
many bows.
The boys speak to a woman at a hair salon. The boys sweep
hair up off the floor from underneath a woman with long hair
who is getting her hair cut. The boys collect the hair into a
dust pan and then into a plastic bag. At Marcus's house they
open the bag and attempt to glue the hair to Peeps's body
with art paste. They need more hair - Marcus holds down Bill
in a headlock and they cut his hair with children's art
scissors. More pasting of hair on Peeps. It is messy and does
not work.
The boys wash Peeps again.
The boys go shopping and buy lots of doggie clothes. They try
on different outfits:
A princess (too girly)
A biker (too butch)
A fancy pantsuit with a little purse (too upscale)
A mink stoll (too old-ladyish)
24.
A pirate with an eyepatch (the boys love this and they are
dressed as pirates also - Marcus and Bill think it looks
stupid)
Finally, they are fed up. Peeps looks the same as when they
began.
Steve picks up Peeps and tries to give her to Albuquerque. He
recoils as if angry and also disgusted by her. Albuquerque
exits. Steve follows. Marcus and Bill wave goodbye and good
luck.
INT. COMMUNITY CENTER, DANCE STUDIO - DAY

Steve and Albuquerque wait nervously.
STEVE
He's been in there for thirty-five
minutes...
ALBUQUERQUE
Did you talk to him?
STEVE
No, the lady with him just grabbed
Peeps and went in there.
ALBUQUERQUE
This is ridiculous. I'm going in...
ESTEFAN DIABLO bursts through the door and out of the
rehearsal room. He is speaking wildly in Portuguese.
MILLICENT enters with Peeps, puts her on the floor, and then
begins to translate Estefan's Portuguese for Albuquerque and
Steve...but the translation is in some Asian language. (the
parantheticals are a translation of what she is actually
saying - the boys are not privy to this translation in
English)
MILLICENT
Zhe ge cai mei you shao shu. (This
is undercooked) Wo shen ti bu shu
fu. (There is something wrong with
my body.) Ce Suo zi nar. (Where is
the toilet?) Xiang tu. (I feel like
vomiting)
As Millicent speaks she acts out the words a little bit,
holding her stomach and giving a hand gesture to indicate
vomit.
The boys look confused.
ALBUQUERQUE
(interrupting her, a
little loud )
(MORE)
25.
Uh...Maam. We dont... We dont
understand what your saying...
MILLICENT
Hui shuo ying yu ma? (Do you speak
English?)
Steve looks to Albuquerque in a bit of a panic.
STEVE
No understando
MILLICENT
(understanding )
Aaaaaahhhhhh.
STEVE
Aaahhh.
As Estefan continues to speak passionately, Millicent begins
to translate his Portuguese into some kind of sign language.
ALBUQUERQUE
Uh
Millicent is very flamboyant with her signing now. She
follows Estefans language and is expressing it beautifully
with her signing.
We...
MILLICENT
(in sign language )
Is there a problem?
ALBUQUERQUE
Uhm...we...
STEVE
We dont speak hand language.
Millicent is rather confused. Estefan, irritated, stops
speaking.
MILLICENT
(in sign language )
Im sorry?
STEVE
No speaky hand languagey.
MILLICENT
I was asked to translate from
Portuguese into Mandarin Chinese.
26.
ALBUQUERQUE
We dont speak Chinese.
MILLICENT
(in Chinese )
Wo bu dong ni shuo do hua? (I dont
understand what you said.)
The boys are frozen.
MILLICENT (CONT'D)
(loudly, as if to a
person who cannot hear
well)
DO YOU SPEAK ENGLISH?
Steve and Albuquerque look to each other for help, then, with
each others support decide yes, they do speak English.
ALBUQUERQUE
Yes
STEVE
Si senor. Si.
MILLICENT
Yes. Good. Estefan finds the animal
intransigent.
Albuquerque insecurely mouths the word "intransigent."
MILLICENT (CONT'D)
Defiant really.
Estefan speaks and Millicent translates.
MILLICENT (CONT'D)
She is un-trainable and very
unappealing to the eye.
STEVE
Does he think we have a chance?
Millicent asks Estefan the question in Portuguese. Estefan
answers vociferously for a full 30 seconds with wild hand
gestures and body language. Millicent watches silently as his
story unfolds in Portuguese. He appears to tell the story of
a journey of a man with a hump on his back who travels over
mountains and through rivers and eventually turns into a bird
and soars into the Heavens.
The boys look at Millicent expectantly, waiting for the
translation.
ALBUQUERQUE
What did he say?
27.
MILLICENT
No.
Steve and Albuquerque are defeated.
Peeps wanders over to them. Steve pets her feebly. She walks
to Albuquerque. He shoves her away and then wipes his hand on
his shirt. He produces hand sanitizer from his pocket and
slathers his hands and arms.
MILLICENT (CONT'D)
May I make a suggestion?
STEVE
Yes.
MILLICENT
Are you aware that there are
international competitions...for
ugly dogs?
The boys look to Millicent, then to Peeps, then to each
other.
INT. PUBLIC LIBRARY - NIGHT

MONTAGE WITH MUSIC:
The boys submit photos of Peeps to several different ugly dog
shows via the internet. They also speak on the phone to some
of the ugly dog show facilitators. They seem to be more
receptive than the traditional dog show facilitators.
Albuquerque finishes submitting one last form. It says
"Application Accepted." The boys fall asleep at the
computers.
INT. PUBLIC LIBRARY - MORNING

Steve bolts upright.
STEVE
Dr. Kim!
ALBUQUERQUE
What the...?
EXT. DR. KIM'S VETERINARY CLINIC - MORNING

Albuquerque and Steve again approach Dr. Kim's vet clinic on
bike.
ALBUQUERQUE
Look, why don't you do this without
me. My stomach hurts.
28.
STEVE
What's your problem?
ALBUQUERQUE
I'm tired! That's my problem. And
that woman makes me dizzy.
STEVE
You're mean.
ALBUQUERQUE
Later.
STEVE
Whatever.
Albuquerque leaves on his bike as Steve enters the clinic.
EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - MORNING

Albuquerque sits alone on the side of a dusty road. He looks
at the picture of the woman from the tent.
He remembers...
EXT. HOME IN THE COUNTRY - MORNING

Two boys, ages 8 and 6, play ball in the yard of a modest
country home. The older of the two falls and scrapes his
knee.
EIGHT-YEAR-OLD
Stupid!
SIX-YEAR-OLD
It was an accident!
A woman approaches. She is wearing white. She seems to glow
in the memory of the morning. It is the same woman from the
photo.
She bends down and crouches on the ground by the
eight-year-old.
WOMAN IN WHITE
Kerky.
EIGHT-YEAR-OLD
Ow!
WOMAN IN WHITE
Kerky.
29.
EIGHT-YEAR-OLD
Owwwww!
WOMAN IN WHITE
Kerky.
EIGHT-YEAR-OLD
It hurts, mommy!
EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - MORNING

A truck barrels past, throwing up dust into Albuquerque's
face and dissipating his memory into the tall weeds.
INT. DR. KIM'S VETERINARY CLINIC, EXAM ROOM - MORNING

Dr. Kim returns Peeps to her carrier on the exam table.
STEVE
Wow. I had no idea. She's had a
hard life.
DR. KIM
Yes, Peeps is a real trooper. She's
been through an awful lot. I'm so
glad she's in good hands.
STEVE
So, she's not a cyclops?
DR. KIM
No. Her former owners were very
cruel to her. She's lucky to be
alive.
STEVE
Okay.
DR. KIM
So, Mr. Devlin tells me that you
don't really have a place to stay
right now.
STEVE
Uh...
DR. KIM
My brother is out of town for the
entire summer on business. You
could stay at his place. He
wouldn't charge rent. He just wants
someone to live in it while he's
gone and collect the mail and
stuff.
30.
STEVE
Wow...
Dr. Kim removes the key from her key chain.
DR. KIM
It's the least I could do. For
Peeps.
STEVE
Uh...okay. Thank you. Peeps thanks
you.
Steve crouches down to Peeps's level.
STEVE (CONT'D)
(in "Peeps's" voice )
"Thank you!"
INT. DR. KIM'S BROTHER'S HOUSE, FOYER - DAY

The boys enter Dr. Kim's brother's house. It is a modest
suburban house.
ALBUQUERQUE
Nice.
STEVE
Yeah.
INT. DR. KIM'S BROTHER'S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - LATER

The boys have moved in. Their beanbags are in place. A
makeshift tent of sheets and floor lamps and duct tape is set
up in the middle of the room. The boys secure a tent pole
with tape.
Albuquerque's phone rings.
ALBUQUERQUE
Hello? Yes? Yes. Oh, thank you.
That's great news!
He hangs up.
STEVE
What!?!
ALBUQUERQUE
The World's Ugliest Dog Contest got
our application and their looking
it over. They seem pretty
interested! She'll let us know
soon.
31.
STEVE
That's great!
A knock at the door.
ALBUQUERQUE
Coming!
Albuquerque opens the door. It is Patty Lucrecious, Uncle
John's nurse. She leans against the door frame, chewing and
popping her bubble gum.
Oh...hi.
PATTY
(smacking her gum and
blowing bubbles )
Hi...we've never really been
properly introduced. I'm Patty. I
was your grandpa's nurse.
ALBUQUERQUE
My...uncle. He was my uncle.
PATTY
Right, that's what I meant.
Steve appears behind Albuquerque.
STEVE
Uh...hi.
PATTY
Hi.
STEVE
What are you doing here?
ALBUQUERQUE
(to Steve )
You're rude.
STEVE
What?!?
ALBUQUERQUE
(to Patty )
I'm sorry...
PATTY
That's quite alright. I just wanted
to return these to you.
Patty produces some half-empty bags of potato chips.
32.
ALBUQUERQUE
Thanks!
PATTY
(looking like she just
tasted battery acid)
Oh look, there's Peeps. She's so
precious.
ALBUQUERQUE
(annoyed )
Oh, yeah.
STEVE
I'm not apologizing. I was just
asking a question.
PATTY
(not able to hide her
disgust for Peeps )
Your uncle really loved Peeps. He
was a special man.
ALBUQUERQUE
(staring at her lovingly )
Uh-huh.
STEVE
He threw golf balls and rocks at
us.
PATTY
(laughing )
I know! I'm sorry.
ALBUQUERQUE
It's okay.
STEVE
So did you...
Albuquerque steps outside...
EXT. DR. KIM'S BROTHER'S HOUSE, FRONT STOOP - DAY

...and slams the door in Steve's face.
Patty smiles, chewing her gum flirtatiously.
PATTY
Listen, I don't want to get between
you and your brother.
ALBUQUERQUE
He can shuttup. He's... intran-...
intrangisent... ingrantrisent.
33.
PATTY
You know how to cook?
ALBUQUERQUE
Uh...no.
PATTY
Good, I like to eat out. Where you
want to go?
ALBUQUERQUE
I go to Burger Conquistador
sometimes.
PATTY
No.
ALBUQUERQUE
No?
PATTY
No way. I want expensive food.
ALBUQUERQUE
Okay.
PATTY
I like you Steve.
ALBUQUERQUE
Albuquerque.
PATTY
Whatever. You know what I meant.
Albuquerque stares at her.
PATTY (CONT'D)
Let's go spend some money.
MONTAGE WITH MUSIC AS TIME PASSES:
Patty and Albuquerque eat lobster together. He gets the bill
and doesn't have enough money. The waiter argues with them.
Patty throws Steve's money in the waiter's face. Albuquerque
doesn't know what to do. The waiter screams at him.
Steve and Dr. Kim walk together and chat. Steve carries Peeps
while they walk. They are all very sweet together. Dr. Kim
loses her balance. Steve steadies her. They have a wonderful
moment looking into each others eyes, laughing and enjoying
each others company.
Patty takes Albuquerque to karate lessons. She kicks him in
the privates and he goes down. She points and laughs at him,
chewing her bubble gum.
34.
Steve and Dr. Kim ride a tandem bike with Peeps in a basket
on the front. They are all smiles.
Albuquerque paints Patty's toenails. She is happy. He looks
like he is trying to be happy. She sees a flaw on one of her
toenails and she criticizes him harshly.
Steve and Dr. Kim take Peeps into a photobooth at a carnival.
They get lots of black-and-white photos with Peeps. They
laugh. In the pics Dr. Kim is seen falling out of the
photobooth and her foot is sticking up into the picture.
Patty sunbathes and texts on the phone while Albuquerque digs
holes for new plants in Patty's yard. She laughs at a text.
He tries to ask her where to put the next hole, but she puts
on stereo headphones so she can concentrate on texting.
Steve and Dr. Kim share a walk in the sunset with Peeps in
Steve's arms. Dr. Kim pets her gently. Dr. Kim almost falls
down. Steve grabs her hand and saves the day. They spin like
Leo and Kate from Titanic. Laughs and smiles.
Patty is horribly sunburned. Same outfit from when she was
tanning. Albuquerque attempts to apply aloe lotion to her
shoulder. Patty screams at him. Grabs the bottle herself and
dismisses Albuquerque. He looks defeated, but tries to keep a
good attitude. He tries to help again. She waves him away
angrily.
INT. DR. KIM'S BROTHER'S HOUSE - WEEKS LATER

Albuquerque closes the front door. Time has passed. He is
smiling confidently, almost arrogantly.
Steve pokes his head from the "tent."
STEVE
That woman is bad news...
ALBUQUERQUE
I don't want to HEAR it!
STEVE
Mom would've hated her!
ALBUQUERQUE
Take it back.
STEVE
She would.
Albuquerque gets in Steve's face. He looks ready to tear
Steve's head off.
35.
ALBUQUERQUE
Apologize.
STEVE
(reluctantly )
I'm sorry. I'm sorry... that she's
a witch.
ALBUQUERQUE
AAaaaaaaahhh!
The boys grapple and fall to the floor. They wrestle and
knock over the tent. They crush the potato chip bags that
Patty brought underneath them as they fight. They beat each
other with the bean bags.
STEVE
Meanie!
ALBUQUERQUE
Dumbo!
STEVE
Stupid idiot!
ALBUQUERQUE
You're the stupid idiot!
CROSSFADE TO:
EXT. HOME IN THE COUNTRY - DAY

Two young boys, 8 and 6 years-old, fight and wrestle.
EIGHT-YEAR-OLD
It's mine!
SIX-YEAR-OLD
It's ugly! I didn't want it anyway!
EIGHT-YEAR-OLD
Stupid!
SIX-YEAR-OLD
Idiot!
WOMAN IN WHITE
Hey.
The Woman in White approaches quickly and breaks up the
fight. She holds each of their faces gently in her hands.
WOMAN IN WHITE (CONT'D)
No fighting. One day you won't have
me to stop you. You'll have to
learn to do that yourself. Be kind
(MORE)
36.
WOMAN IN WHITE (CONT'D)

to each other. There will always be
others who will want to fight you
or take advantage of you and cheat
you, but the two of you will be
there to protect each other.
CROSSFADE TO:
INT. DR. KIM'S BROTHER'S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - DAY

The boys lay side by side on the floor. The fight is over and
they are still recovering from their injuries.
WOMAN IN WHITE (V.0.)
Protect each other.
Albuquerque stands.
ALBUQUERQUE
Let's get out of here. I'm hungry.
STEVE
Cookie Dimension 4200?
ALBUQUERQUE
I could eat a really big cookie...
STEVE
...from another dimension.
INT. MALL - DAY

Albuquerque and Steve each have a gigantic stacked cookie
desert which is impaled on a long stick. They eat hungrily.
Icing covers their mouths and cheeks. Steve has some in his
hair somehow.
STEVE
I feel better.
ALBUQUERQUE
Yeah. If I could be a cookie, this
would be the cookie I would be.
STEVE
Uh-huh. I almost just ate my own
hand.
Mildred, whom Steve met at Dr. Kim's office, approaches with
a creepy old baby carriage, reminiscent of the pram from
Rosemary's Baby. Her mole, previously on her right cheek, has
now migrated to her left jaw.
37.
MILDRED
Is that...did we...I think we met
at Dr. Kim's animal clinic...
The boys are confused for a second, then...
STEVE
Oh yeah. You're the one with the
dog like Peeps.
MILDRED
Yes, a Chinese Crested. Ping-Pong!
Ping-Pong is my BABY. She's my
BABY. I love her SO MUCH.
(lovingly to the baby
carriage )
That's right. You're a sweetie. YES
you are! Yes you ARE!
STEVE
Oh, is this...?
MILDRED
The one-and-only! Ping-Pong!
The boys look into the carriage.
ALBUQUERQUE
Oh!
STEVE
Holy crab cakes!
MILDRED
Yes, she's a very special gift from
the Universe.
STEVE
That's...that's...that's...
ALBUQUERQUE
Oh, my eyes... my eyes...
MILDRED
Yes, she's absolutely unique.
Hopefully special enough to be
recognized.
ALBUQUERQUE
Recognized?
MILDRED
Yes. I'm hoping she will be able to
WIN.
The boys look concerned.
38.
MILDRED (CONT'D)
The World's Ugliest Dog Contest!
Her eyes are wild now. Steve and Albuquerque look sick.
MILDRED (CONT'D)
Of course, we're just lucky to be
able to afford to go. Travel to
Petaluma, California for the
festivities can be very expensive
from all the way down here in
Alabama.
(whispery )
It's very expensive, but nothing is
too much for my... little...
Ping-Pong.
(abruptly )
Okay, bye now!
She skips away, pushing the carriage.
EXT. MALL - DAY

Albuquerque and Steve throw their giant cookies in the
garbage. Albuquerque pulls out his wallet.
ALBUQUERQUE
How much money do you have? We've
got to make sure we've got enough
to get to California if we are
accepted to the competition.
Albuquerque produces a couple of crumpled one dollar bills.
Steve feels for his wallet.
STEVE
Oh damn.
ALBUQUERQUE
What.
STEVE
I lost my wallet at Dr. Kim's
office, I forgot.
ALBUQUERQUE
What?!?
STEVE
What?
ALBUQUERQUE
You had all the money!
39.
STEVE
What?!
(like why are you blaming me?)
ALBUQUERQUE
Nine-thousand dollars!
STEVE
What?!?!?
ALBUQUERQUE
Where is it?!?
STEVE
It's gone! I called her office!
They looked everywhere!
ALBUQUERQUE
Somebody stole it!
STEVE
(fighting tears)
Why would somebody take something
that wasn't their's?!?
ALBUQUERQUE
(also ready to cry )
I don't know!

MARCUS
You got nothing to worry about.
Peeps is heinous.
ALBUQUERQUE
I don't know.
MARCUS
Peeps fell out of the ugly tree and
hit every branch on the way down.
BILL
The President of the United States
declared her face a national
disaster area.
MARCUS
She is a category 5 ugly canine.
BILL
Her home videos are rated R for
pervasive terror and grisly images.
40.
MARCUS
You're gonna win, we just need to
get you there.
ALBUQUERQUE
I know. We have to raise the money
and fast. If we get accepted we
won't have time to raise it after
the fact. It's got to happen NOW.
INT. UNCLE JOHNS MANSION - DAY

ALBUQUERQUE
Can we have some money?
MR. DEVLIN
Uh...Albuquerque?
ALBUQUERQUE
Yes?
MR. DEVLIN
I can't do it.
ALBUQUERQUE
But Uncle John always gave us
money.
STEVE
He usually hit me in the head with
it.
MR. DEVLIN
Yes, but your uncle expressly
forbid any of the estate to be
given in advance of winning an
international dog show. Im sorry.
ALBUQUERQUE
So...can we have some money?
MR. DEVLIN
Thats the same question that you
just asked me.
ALBUQUERQUE
Hello?
MR. DEVLIN
Im going to hang up now.
41.
ALBUQUERQUE
Okay, thanks for calling.
Mr. Devlin hangs up perplexed.
STEVE
What?
INT. MARCUSS HOUSE - DAY

BILL
Youre in deep doggy doody.
Albuquerque and Steve count money at the card table. Marcus
and Bill watch.
STEVE
Thirteen dollars and thirteen
cents...
They all look at each other, a little disturbed at the
numbers.
BILL
That's not very lucky.
MARCUS
You know what you need? A corporate
sponsor!
Marcus digs in his bag.
MARCUS (CONTD) (CONT'D)
Hey, this came in the mail today!
Marcus produces a flyer that says, Waggy Doggy Doggy Foody
is looking for a fresh new face for our advertising program.
Please call us at 800-555-WAGG.
STEVE
Waggy Doggy Doggy Foody?
MARCUS
(pointing to the flyer )
This company needs a mascot.
BILL
Ugly is the new beautiful.
MARCUS
Peeps will be the fresh new ugly
face of Waggy Doggy Doggy Foody.
42.
BILL
And the company headquarters are
here in town!
MARCUS
Its perfect!
EXT. MARCUS'S HOUSE - DAY

Mildred is crouching in the bushes. Her mole is still on her
left jaw. She has some tree branches on her head for
camouflage. Looking through a camera with a high-powered lens
she sees the boys discussing the flyer. She focuses the lens
and sees the name "Waggy Doggy Doggy Foody." She pulls the
camera down horrified. She scuttles away, vanishing into the
brush.
INT. DR. KIMS BROTHERS HOUSE, KITCHEN - THE NEXT DAY

Steve pulls out two cans of food that look quite similar. One
says "Gabe and Abe's Spicy Chili" and the other says "Waggy
Doggy Doggy Foody."
Steve opens both cans.
STEVE
Hungry? Yeah, me too.
He pulls two identical bowls from the cupboard. He pours the
dog food into one bowl and carefully sets the empty can
behind it.
Then Steve pours himself the chili and places the empty chili
can behind his bowl.
There is a loud knock at the door.
STEVE (CONT'D)
(to Peeps )
Hold on girl.
Steve exits the kitchen.
Through the back door, which is glass, a figure in all black
can be seen running quickly and then hiding. The figure's
face appears at the kitchen window peering in.
It is Mildred. She sees the dog food and the chili. Jackpot!
She pulls on a BLACK SKI MASK and drops from sight.
INT. DR. KIMS BROTHERS HOUSE, FRONT DOOR - DAY

Steve opens the front door, but nobody is there.
43.
EXT. DR. KIMS BROTHERS HOUSE, FRONT DOOR - DAY

Steve steps out to see if anybody is in the yard.
Nothing.
INT. DR. KIMS BROTHERS HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - DAY

Mildred is in the house. She does a forward-roll across the
living room floor, making her way towards the kitchen.
EXT. DR. KIMS BROTHERS HOUSE, FRONT YARD - DAY

Steve walks out into the front yard and sees a kid standing
on the street with a bike looking at him.
STEVE
Hi.
KID WITH BIKE
Hi.
STEVE
(smiling )
Did you knock on my door?
KID WITH BIKE
No.
STEVE
Oh. Okay.
Steve begins to walk back to the house.
KID WITH BIKE
You got ninjas!
Steve stops, confused, and looks at the boy.
INT. DR. KIMS BROTHERS HOUSE, KITCHEN - DAY

Mildred, still in her mask, pops her head around the side of
the kitchen counter, then stealthily moves to the bowls of
food.
Peeps relaxes on the kitchen floor.
Mildred pulls her mask up to reveal her face. Her mole is
under her left eye.
She grabs the bowls, one chili and one dog food, and
dramatically switches them (ala the Raiders of the Lost Ark
idol/bag-of-sand scene).
44.
She rubs her hands together with excitement, smiling wickedly

as she pulls her mask over her face again.
EXT. DR. KIMS BROTHERS HOUSE, FRONT YARD - DAY

STEVE
(to the boy )
Ninjas?
Realizing it is a game.
STEVE (CONT'D)
Are YOU...a ninja?
BOY WITH BIKE
(perturbed)
No.
STEVE
Huh. Alright, sorry.
BOY WITH BIKE
S'arlight.
Steve goes back to the house, contemplative.
INT. DR. KIMS BROTHERS HOUSE, KITCHEN - DAY

Through the window, Mildred can be seen catapulting nimbly
off the back porch like some kind of Cirque du Soleil
acrobat. She spins and rolls in mid-air and vanishes into the
shrubbery just as...
Steve enters the kitchen and pops "his" bowl in the microwave
and heats it.
His phone rings.
STEVE (CONTD)
Hey.
Intercut phone conversation. Albuquerque stands on a street
corner.
EXT. WAGGY DOGGY DOGGY FOODY CORPORATE OFFICES - DAY

ALBUQUERQUE
Hey! Guess what?!?

45.
STEVE
What?!?
ALBUQUERQUE
Waggy Doggy Doggy Foody will meet
with us!
STEVE
Thats great! When?
ALBUQUERQUE
Right now!
STEVE
What?!?!?
ALBUQUERQUE
Yeah, you gotta get over here! The
meeting is in fifteen minutes!
STEVE
Oh wow! Okay, we...I gotta...Ill
meet you there!
He hangs up.
Oh boy! Peeps! We gotta go! Hurry
up! You gotta eat!
Steve places the chili dish on the floor for Peeps. Peeps
begins to eat it quickly.
Steve removes the steaming hot dog food from the microwave.
It looks very nasty. He eats furiously.
(his mouth spilling dog
food)
Thats a good girl! Good girl!
INT. WAGGY DOGGY CORPORATE OFFICE, RECEPTION - DAY

Albuquerque and Steve pace in the reception area of Waggy
Doggy Doggy Foody corporate offices. Peeps wanders around
near them.
STEVE
Im nervous. Everything is riding
on this.
ALBUQUERQUE
Calm down, youre freaking me out.
46.
STEVE
What if they ask us questions and
we dont know what to say?
ALBUQUERQUE
What kind of questions? Weve got
the presentation materials. We just
need to stick to those.
Steve holds his side like he has a cramp.
STEVE
Aht.
ALBUQUERQUE
Whats the matter with you?
STEVE
You should hold her.
ALBUQUERQUE
Im not holding that thing. I dont
want my hair to fall out!
Peeps wanders by looking a little uncomfortable. We hear her
stomach rumble loudly.
STEVE
We should practice answering
questions.
Albuquerque sits.
ALBUQUERQUE
Look, I dont think...
STEVE
You be us and Ill be the Waggy
Doggy food people.
ALBUQUERQUE
This is stupid.
STEVE
We need to be ready.
ALBUQUERQUE
Okay, okay, just ask me some-
STEVE
(suddenly mean )
Why should we take your dog as our
mascot?
ALBUQUERQUE
Uh...our dog is-
47.
STEVE
What happened to the hair?!?
ALBUQUERQUE
Its a Chinese Crested, it doesnt
have hair on some of its-
STEVE
Dont lie to me! Do I look like
some kind of stool pidgeon to you?
ALBUQUERQUE
What?
STEVE
Do I look like a Patsy to you?
ALBUQUERQUE
Hey, Steve - Theyre not going to
ask us questions like that-
STEVE
Who is Steve? I dont know any
Steve. My name is... something
not... my name is Gleeve. Not
Steve.
ALBUQUERQUE
Gleeve? Thats the best that you
could do?
STEVE
I dont like your attitude!
ALBUQUERQUE
Gleeve isnt even a name!
STEVE
My birth certification would says
differ!
ALBUQUERQUE
Shuttup and get out of my face!
STEVE
Wheres the hair from the dog?!? Do
you have it in your pocket?!? Did
you eat the hair?!?
ALBUQUERQUE
I cant take this!
Albuquerque gets up to go.
STEVE
Hey! You cant just walk out of
here!
48.
ALBUQUERQUE
Your not the boss of me!
STEVE
Hey!
Albuquerque is gone. Steve stands alone with Peeps, looking a
little shocked.
INT. WAGGY DOGGY CORPORATE OFFICE, CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY

Steve stands before a large paper flip-chart. He has a
pointer in one hand and carries Peeps in the other arm. He
also wears a hat that says Peeps. The first page of the
flip-chart says, Peeps. It is written in childish
handwriting. It looks like part of the name, Peeps, was
written incorrectly first then erased and printed again, but
the original misspelling is still visible.
He clears his throat.
The conference table is about forty feet long and THREE
CORPORATE EXECUTIVES IN SUITS sit at the other end looking
rather serious. One with a SHORTER, one TALLER, and one OLDER
AND DISTINGUISHED.
STEVE
Should I start?
TALLER EXECUTIVE
Go!
STEVE
Uh.
SHORTER EXECUTIVE
Dazzle us!
STEVE
(breathing heavy, trying
to catch his breath)
Okay.
OLDER AND DISTINGUISHED EXECUTIVE
(curious, but pleasant )
What happened to the dogs hair?
Steve is mortified.
STEVE
Oh wow. I...I...(breathy)...I dont
know. I...I dont know. I dont
know. Im sorry...Im unprepared to
answer that question...
A loud grumbling is heard from Steves stomach.
49.

Oh.
A higher sounding grumbling sound is heard from Peeps.
Wha...
SHORTER EXECUTIVE
You may begin.
STEVE
Okay...first...
Steve flips to the first page. It is a picture of Peeps,
horribly drawn as a stick figure.
Peeps...is a...dog.
He points with the pointer to the stick figure.
I...we...believe...
A quiet but noticeable fart is heard from Peeps.
Steve looks at her.
We...believe...
A lower sounding fart is heard from Steve. It lasts a bit
longer than Peepss fart.
Oh...I...am convinced...
A longer high-pitched fart sails delicately from Peeps.
Steve looks at her again, embarrassed.
Wow...I...am...very...sure...
Steve farts.
...that...you...
Peeps farts.
...the good people of Waggy...
Steve farts.
50.

...Doggy...
Steve and Peeps fart nearly at the same time.
Throughout the following the executives are confused and a
little shocked.
...Doggy...
Peeps lets out a longer fart.
...Doggy...Foody...
Two farts from Steve and one quick one from Peeps. Steve
turns a page quickly. This causes them each to produce a fart
along with the movement. The page has a picture of peeps on
roller skates, but she has five legs and she wears a hat that
says Peeps. Below it says, I (heart symbol) dog food!
I...
One juicy fart from Steve.
In conclusion...
Steve flips quickly through a few pages.
The page he lands on says, Callifournia, hear we come! We
hear his stomach lurch and groan and gurgle.
We need your money...
He turns a page. It is a picture of stick-figure-Peeps eating
from a giant bowl that says, in scrawled writing, Waggy
Doggy, but the gs are backwards. Peeps lets out a very
long siren-like fart. Steve attempts to speak over it.
(loudly )
...we need your money...
Steve turns the page. It is covered in dollar signs and
another ridiculous drawing of Peeps. Strangely, by the way it
is drawn, the dollar signs appear to be emanating from
stick-figure-Peepss butt.
If we are accepted into the Worlds
Ugliest Dog contest...
Peeps's siren fart crescendos and fades slowly as Steve
51.
begins a series of deep staccato farts in counterpoint to

Peepss fading toot.
...then we will need your money to
fly to California...
He turns the page. Peeps is riding on top of an airplane. The
airplane is about the same size as Peeps.
(over his own farts )
Please be the wind...
A sudden deep fart from Steve.
...beneath our wings...
A stabbing high fart from Peeps.
...so that we can smell...
A long entwining double fart from Peeps and Steve. Steve
turns the page. It is a picture of stick-figure-Peeps with a
photograph of a trophy cut from a magazine pasted in Peepss
arms. The double fart builds in volume.
(again loudly )
...so that we can smell the sweet
aroma of success blowing over us...
A final splatting fart from Steve and a weak high fluty toot
from Peeps.
The three executives stare at Steve, mystified.
INT. WAGGY DOGGY CORPORATE OFFICE, HALLWAY - DAY

Albuquerque stands outside a closed door. We hear a toilet
flush loudly. Steve comes out of the door, all smiles,
carrying Peeps and looking refreshed.
ALBUQUERQUE
So...?
STEVE
I thought that went well.
A female secretary appears. The boys stand at attention.
SECRETARY
Hi.
52.
ALBUQUERQUE AND STEVE

Hi.
SECRETARY
Yeah...they...passed. No pun
intended. They picked someone else.
Another local doggy. Ping-Pong. Im
sorry.
STEVE
(shocked )
What?
ALBUQUERQUE
Its that stupid hat!
Steve pulls the Peeps hat off his own head and looks at it
angrily.
Albuquerque grabs it and begins to tear it apart. Steve grabs
for it also, trying to rip it!
SECRETARY
Okay, thank you. Bye-bye now.
The boys rip the hat in a violent tug-of-war.
SECRETARY (CONT'D)
Please leave now...
STEVE
(to the hat )
Stupid!!!
EXT. CITY STREET - DAY

The boys walk, despondent.
STEVE
Ping-Pong... Ping-Pong... Why does
that name sound familiar...?
ALBUQUERQUE
Never heard of him.
INT. INTERVIEW - DOG OWNERS

INTERVIEW WITH DOG OWNERS

Albuquerque and Steve sit in their indoor tent, looking
defeated. Albuquerque glances ashamed at their mom's picture
on the "wall" of the makeshift tent.
53.
STEVE
I think Peeps is dehydrated. That
dog food made her really thirsty.
Steve walks upstairs.
INT. DR. KIMS BROTHERS HOUSE, BATHROOM - DAY

Steve tries gently to get Peeps to drink from the toilet, but
she wont.
STEVE
Peeps, girl, youve got to drink.
You could get very sick if you
dont have enough water. I know
youre sad, but you still have to
stay healthy.
Steve kneels on the floor and scoops water out of the potty
with his hands and lets Peeps drink from his cupped palms.
(quietly and sweetly)
Thata girl.
Steve replenishes and continues to water Peeps. When she is
finished he wipes his hands on his shirt, then runs his
fingers through his hair, then rubs his eyes. We hear
Albuquerques phone ring downstairs.

ALBUQUERQUE
Hello?
INT. WORLD'S UGLIEST DOG HEADQUARTERS - DAY

A woman, DEBBIE, sits at her desk.
DEBBIE
Hi, Albuquerque?

ALBUQUERQUE
Yes?
DEBBIE
This is Debbie with the "World's
Ugliest Dog Contest."
54.
ALBUQUERQUE
Oh wow.
DEBBIE
Just wanted to let you know we're
accepting Peeps.
ALBUQUERQUE
That's great!
EXT. TOP OF TELEPHONE POLE - DAY

Mildred is high atop a telephone pole, dressed in telephone
repair gear. She is tapped into the line and listening on
headphones. She hears Albuquerque and Debbie speaking. Her
face is grim with rage.
DEBBIE
No problem. Can't wait to meet
Peeps!
ALBUQUERQUE
Thanks!
INT. DR. KIM'S BROTHER'S HOUSE, BATHROOM - DAY

Steve finds a cup on the bathroom counter and fills it with
toilet water and tries to get Peeps to drink again.
Albuquerque bounds in!
ALBUQUERQUE
We got in!
STEVE
What?!?
ALBUQUERQUE
The "Worlds Ugliest Dog Contest!"
Steve leaps to his feet, spilling toilet water.
STEVE
Thats fantastic!!
ALBUQUERQUE
Yes!!!
STEVE
Now we just need to get the money!
ALBUQUERQUE
We can do this!
55.
STEVE
Nothings going to stop us now!
Steve picks up Peeps and they all celebrate with a dance.
Steve is spilling toilet water all over the place, even on
Albuquerque.
ALBUQUERQUE
Yes!!!
Albuquerque raises his hand for a high-five. Steve high fives
him with the toilet water cup. It splashes everywhere.
Albuquerque's phone rings. He answers.
This is Albuquerque.
WOMAN'S VOICE
Hello Albuquerque. This is Debbie
from the "World's Ugliest Dog
Contest." We just spoke.
ALBUQUERQUE
Yes!
EXT. TOP OF TELEPHONE POLE - DAY

Mildred is now on one of those phones that repair people use.
MILDRED
(in Debbie's voice )
Hi, I just forgot to tell you about
the talent portion of the contest.

ALBUQUERQUE
Talent portion?
MILDRED
Yes. We've added a talent portion
to the contest this year. You will
need to prepare some kind of
demonstration of talent from you
and your dog.
ALBUQUERQUE
Uh, okay.
MILDRED
Well, good luck!
56.
She hangs up the repair-person phone and opens her cell

phone. She types a text.
INT. DR. KIMS BROTHERS HOUSE, BATHROOM - DAY

ALBUQUERQUE
(to Steve )
There's some kind of talent part to
the contest.
A noise is heard from Steve's tiny cell phone in his pocket.
He retrieves a text message.
STEVE
(quoting from the text
message )
"Diva-Stay-Shawn Dance Studio.
Diva-Stay-Shawn make you know how
to dance. 1454 Main Street, Urnbau,
Alabama."
ALBUQUERQUE
Huh.
INT. DIVA-STAY-SHAWN DANCE STUDIO - DAY

Albuquerque and Steve enter "Diva-Stay-Shawn Dance Studio."
DIVA-STAY-SHAWN stands stretching at the ballet bar. He wears
sweatbands on his head and wrists, and leg warmers on his
calves. He resembles Jennifer Beals from Flashdance, but more
colorful.
Diva-Stay-Shawn is deep in a dancer Zen moment and does not
hear them.
ALBUQUERQUE
Excu...
Diva-Stay-Shawn screams horribly...
DIVA-STAY-SHAWN
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!
...and recoils from the boys.
The boys are terrified.
Diva-Stay-Shawn realizes they are just potential customers
and calms himself. He is suddenly very masculine.
DIVA-STAY-SHAWN (CONT'D)
Oh! Diva-Stay-Shawn is SO sorry.
Diva-Stay-Shawn thought you were
thieves coming to steal
(MORE)
57.
Diva-Stay-Shawn's mirrors.
He points to the mirrors covering the walls of the dance
studio.
How may Diva-Stay-Shawn help you?
ALBUQUERQUE
Well, we need talent...
DIVA-STAY-SHAWN
STOP right there. You are in
Diva-Stay-Shawn's hands now. If you
have talent inside of you then
Diva-Stay-Shawn will reach down
deep and tear it out! You
want...NEED Diva-Stay-Shawn to rip
the talent out of you, yes?
The boys nod silently. Diva-Stay-Shawn bows to the boys,
then...
MONTAGE WITH THUMPING MUSIC
OCCASIONAL DIALOGUE CAN STILL BE HEARD OVER THE SONG:
Diva-Stay-Shawn begins dance training with the boys and
Peeps. Diva-Stay-Shawn is surprisingly tough, like a Marine
drill sergeant. He disapproves of their street clothes.
The boys have changed clothes and now they wear sweatbands
and leg warmers also. They do aerobics. They stretch. All of
this is extremely strenuous. The boys appear to be in pain,
and they are sweating profusely. Diva-Stay-Shawn does not
sweat.
STEVE
(whispering to
Albuquerque )
How is he not sweating?
DIVA-STAY-SHAWN
Diva-Stay-Shawn DOES NOT SWEAT!
Diva-Stay-Shawn teaches the boys an incredibly difficult
dance routine, which is a mixture of Break-Dance, Jazz, Tap,
Modern, Tai-Chi, Ballet, Swing, Yoga, Pilates, Dubstep,
Ballroom, Rumba, Jiu-Jitsu and Traditional West African
Dance.
Yes! No! Do it again! Nine more
times! And now backwards! Find the
emotion! Be the waterfall! Be the
hummingbird! Be the clever
orangutan (pronounced
(MORE)
58.
oh-RON-zjuh-tan)! Shun the
nay-sayer! Shun the nay-sayer! Shun
the nay-sayer!
Albuquerque gives up and slumps onto the floor. Steve
continues as best he can.
Diva-Stay-Shawn looks at his watch. He stops the music
abruptly by clapping his hands.
Cash or charge?
Albuquerque and Steve look at each other, concerned.
INT. DR. KIM'S BROTHER'S HOUSE, FRONT STOOP - DAY

Albuquerque and Steve count their money on the front stoop.
Their 13 dollars and 13 cents is gone. Only a few silver
coins and a couple of pennies remain.
Steve holds up a quarter.
STEVE
How much is the big one worth?
ALBUQUERQUE
(sure of himself )
It's...
(then confused )
I think it's ten dollars.
STEVE
(patronizing )
No. That's this.
Steve holds up a dime.
They both seem confused and lose confidence.
Near the front yard, a man from the City of Urnbau Public
Works sprays pesticide on some weeds growing in the cracks on
the sidewalk. He has a large industrial-sized sprayer.
Albuquerque's eyes light up like he will explode.
ALBUQUERQUE
I know how to get us money.
STEVE
You having the same idea I'm
having?
ALBUQUERQUE
Maybe!
59.
STEVE
Bury it in the ground and grow more
money?!? Like beans!!!
ALBUQUERQUE
No. But that's good. We'll do that
tonight. Right now though...
STEVE
Rob a bank?
ALBUQUERQUE
No!
STEVE
Get a good night's sleep?
ALBUQUERQUE
No!!
STEVE
Make a rap video!!
ALBUQUERQUE
No!!!
STEVE
Tell me!
INT. CITY COURTHOUSE, FRONT DESK - DAY

Albuquerque and Steve enter the City Courthouse dressed from
head to toe as women. They are not very convincing. Their
wigs look fake and they wear excessive lipstick.
TWO MEN stand at the counter, one a few feet back holding a
memo and another leaning on the counter talking to him. They
share an amusing story.
Albuquerque and Steve approach, speaking in falsetto voices.
ALBUQUERQUE
Hello, excuse me. I'd like to speak
to someone from Urnbau public
works!
The men say nothing and just stare blankly at the boys,
suddenly severe.
Hi, we're very upset.
STEVE
Very upset.
60.
ALBUQUERQUE
Your weed control people from the
city came by our neighborhood and
sprayed herbicide to kill the weeds
on the street.
STEVE
Weeds on the street.
ALBUQUERQUE
But, in addition to spraying the
weeds you sprayed our dog.
STEVE
Our dog!
Steve produces Peeps from a large purse hanging over his
shoulder.
The men stare, unfazed by this.
STEVE (CONT'D)
Well?!?
ALBUQUERQUE
What do you have to say for
yourselves?!?
The men stare blankly in response.
Just look at her! This is your
fault!
Holding up a comb with a swatch of fake wig hair jammed into
it.
STEVE
All her hair is falling out in the
comb!
ALBUQUERQUE
Just look at her skin!
STEVE
She lost an eye!
ALBUQUERQUE
We are demanding condensation!
STEVE
That means MONEY mister!
ALBUQUERQUE
One hundred thousand dollars!!!
61.
STEVE
And fourteen cents!!!
There is a moment of silence as the two men look at the dog
and then back to the boys.
MAN A FEW FEET BACK FROM COUNTER
Is that a Chinese-Crested?
The boys are taken by surprise.
STEVE
What?!?
A horrible silence.
MAN LEANING ON COUNTER
The man said, "Is that a Chinese
Crested?"
FURTHER-AWAY MAN
A HAIRLESS Chinese Crested?
The boys double down.
ALBUQUERQUE
What?!?!?
STEVE
What in the...?!?!?
ALBUQUERQUE
Oh my...!!!
STEVE
This is outRAgeous!!!
ALBUQUERQUE
Ha!
STEVE
HaHa!
ALBUQUERQUE
Don't be absurd!!!
STEVE
Where do you...?!?!
ALBUQUERQUE
Never in my life...!!!
STEVE
What?!?!?
62.
ALBUQUERQUE
Chinese!!!
STEVE
Chinese???
ALBUQUERQUE
Chinese Crested!!!
STEVE
HA!
ALBUQUERQUE
I demand to your see manage-izer!
STEVE
Manage-i-zyzer!
ALBUQUERQUE
You're in trouble, mister man!
STEVE
Sexist pig!
INT. COUNTY JAIL - DAY

The boys are sitting in a county jail cell. Albuquerque holds
his wig in his lap, angry. Steve is still dressed fully as a
woman and remains in character.
A VERY VERY LARGE MAN WITH TATTOOS sits across from them
looking lovingly at Steve. He winks at Steve.
Steve holds a gentile hand to his heart and avoids the man's
gaze, much as a refined woman out of her element might do.
Albuquerque glares at Steve.
STEVE
(to Albuquerque, in
falsetto )
Hooligans.
EXT. COUNTY JAIL - DAY

The boys, now dressed in men's clothing, but still in ladies
makeup, exit the jail with Dr. Kim. Dr. Kim is a little
off-balance. She licks her thumb and attempts to wipe some of
the makeup off Steve's face. He responds as a child would.
DR. KIM
You're lucky the judge was a dog
owner.
63.
STEVE
Thanks for picking us up.
Albuquerque, annoyed, walks ahead of them.
STEVE (CONT'D)
Where's Patty?
ALBUQUERQUE
I'm sure she just got busy...
Steve and Dr. Kim share a look.
EXT. MARCUS'S HOUSE, STREET - DAY

A small white car drives up. It is Mildred. She places a
flyer in Marcus's mailbox.
Marcus steps out of his front door wearing a bathrobe over
his clothes. He bends to get the morning paper from his front
stoop.
Mildred speeds away suddenly.
Marcus is suspicious. He goes to the mailbox and discovers
the flyer.
He strains to see Mildred's car, but Mildred has vanished.
INT. DR. KIM'S BROTHER'S HOUSE - DAY

Marcus sits at the breakfast nook. Steve stands with his arms
crossed. Albuquerque reads the flyer from Marcus's mailbox.
Patty sits on the counter-top filing her nails.
ALBUQUERQUE
This sounds perfect. This could be
the perfect way to raise the money.
STEVE
I don't understand.
Albuquerque hands the flyer to Steve. It reads "DINKLE-MEYER
DOBSON TOYS: SUSTAINABLE TOYS FOR A BETTER WORLD - 555-8764."
There is a picture of a woman smiling in a professional suit.
MARCUS
Mrs. Dinklemeyer-Dobson. She makes
toys. Like for kids. Big MONEY in
toys, right? Kids LOVE toys.
BILL
(straining to retrieve a
memory )
I think I saw something about her
(MORE)
64.
BILL (CONT'D)
on the news recently...
PATTY
Do it.
STEVE
I don't know. I don't have a very
good feeling about this.
Albuquerque peers at Steve with some anger.
PATTY
Don't be stupid. Do it!

Albuquerque and Steve sit on the couch while a woman, MRS.
DINKELMEYER-DOBSON, sits on a chair across from them. She
wears a matching blue skirt-suit. Her appearance is
professional, but overcompensating.
MRS. DINKELMEYER-DOBSON
Well, I've been designing toys
since I was a little girl. It's in
my blood.
ALBUQUERQUE
Do you think you could do it?
Oh yes. I know that we could make
you a fantastic toy. It's all about
merchandising.
STEVE
Yes.
Make the toy so irresistible that
children AND adults will just NEED
to have it.
ALBUQUERQUE
Yes!
A million dollar idea is what
you're looking for, am I right?
STEVE
Yes!
Sell it in every major toy store,
superstore, gas station, etc, ad
nauseum, ad infinitum, yes?
65.
ALBUQUERQUE
Yes!
Well let's get started!
Great! Fantastic!
The boys pull Peeps out of the dog carrier.
Oh God in Heaven. Is that dog sick?
STEVE
No.
He ain't got no chemotherapy?
ALBUQUERQUE
No.
He's cute.
STEVE
It's a girl.
I know it's a girl. What you think
I'm stupid?
No!
Good, cause I'm gonna make you a
toy figurine of this cancer dog
which will sell one million units
in the first three weeks of
production.
ALBUQUERQUE
Wow, okay well we don't even need
that much right now.
You better get used to it! Life is
gonna change for you.
STEVE
Okay.
ALBUQUERQUE
That's great!
66.
(looking at Peeps )
He's a fighter.
STEVE
She's a girl.
(severe )
He's a fighter.
Yes. Yes, ma'am.
(to Peeps )
You wanna be a billionaire dog?
Huh? Get you a wig? Ride in a
stretch limo with a bunch a pretty
lady dogs dressed in pearls and
diamonds?
STEVE
She's a girl.
ALBUQUERQUE
This is good.
(in a hushed and dramatic
voice )
Let's do this!
INT. HOTEL AND CONFERENCE CENTER LOBBY - NIGHT

The conference center lobby is filled with fancy patrons and
potential investors.
Albuquerque and Steve are decked out in their finest clothes,
which look ill-tailored. Steve wears a tuxedo that is about
10 sizes too large for him and Albuquerque wears an outfit
that is far too tight. Dr. Kim and Patty accompany them. Dr.
Kim looks appropriate and formal, while Patty, though dressed
up, is still somewhat trashy. Marcus and Bill enjoy the
appetizers.
Albuquerque, nervous, speaks into the microphone and the
crowd goes silent.
ALBUQUERQUE
We have a wonderful investment for
you here today...tonight. With a
small amount of money from each of
you we can begin production
immediately on our new "Peeps" line
of toys. This will also allow us to
(MORE)
67.
travel to the "World's Ugliest Dog
Contest" in California, which
begins next week. We are confident
that we can not only win an
international dog show, which would
secure us global media coverage,
but that we can become the most
successful toy company in the
world.
Loud applause from the crowd.
And now, without further doo-doo, I
present Mrs. Dinkelmlymly...
(trailing off )
Dosbuhnuhluh...
She takes the mic confidently.
(kindly )
Mrs. Dinkelmeyer-Dobson! Thank you!
Applause from the audience. Servers are seen handing out
something small from silver trays.
MRS. DINKELMEYER-DOBSON (CONT'D)
Thank you Aldacorky for those
wonderful words of introduction. I
have a surprise for you. These toys
that you hold in your hands
tonight...
The guests hold up the small figurines, looking at them
curiously. The figures somewhat resemble Peeps, and they have
the look of something made from marzipan.
MRS (CONT'D)
...these toys are not only toys,
wonderful for children of all ages
to play with, but they are also
...FOOD. That's right! Can you
believe it? You can eat that toy in
your hand! Go on! Eat it up! Take a
bite outta that ugly semi-hairless
toy dog action figure in your
lovely hand! Come on now!
The guests begin to take little nibbles of the toys. Sincere
sounds of gourmet pleasure are heard throughout the room.
FEMALE GUEST
Mmmmm.
68.
MALE GUEST
Delicious.
ANOTHER FEMALE GUEST
Yummy. Mmmm.
ANOTHER MALE GUEST
Very good.
MALE GUEST
I'll have another.
ALBUQUERQUE
(to Steve )
They're a hit.
STEVE
(quietly )
Wow!
ALBUQUERQUE
(breathy )
We're gonna get the money!
STEVE
(with hushed excitement
to Peeps )
Peeps, we're going to the "World's
Ugliest Dog Contest!"
FEMALE GUEST
What are they made of? They taste
healthy!
Oh yes, they are made from
all-natural ingredients.
Tell us!
Oh no. Trade secret.
Tell us!!
Everyone begins chanting.
EVERYONE
TELL US! TELL US! TELL US!
(smiling and laughing
with pride )
OH ALRIGHT!!!
69.
Everyone cheers.
POLLEN!
The crowd goes silent.
They're made with pollen!
The guests begin to inspect the figures. The FEMALE GUEST
begins to gag a little.
They're made with pollen from pine
trees and rag weed. Also I used
peanut butter and shellfish to bind
it all together and I painted them
with the natural coloring from
fresh strawberries!
Other guests begin to gag and spit out the contents of their
mouths.
FEMALE GUEST
(with difficulty )
I can't breathe! I'm allergic to
pollen!
MALE GUEST
I can't eat peanut butter! I have a
peanut allergy! My mouth is on
fire!
Did you say strawberries?!? They
give me hives! My skin! It's
turning red.
(her hands swelling up to
the size of potatoes )
My hands!
MALE GUEST
I can't breathe!!!
Everyone begins running and trying to get water from the
water fountain, generating pushing and shoving.
ANOTHER MALE GUEST sticks his face in the punch bowl and
gargles punch and spits it on the floor.
The FEMALE GUEST slips on the punch, falls, grabs the table
cloth on the banquet table, and drags the contents of the
banquet table explosively to the floor. Chaffing dishes
smash, dumping food everywhere.
The fuel holders from the chaffing dishes roll along the
70.
floor and light the curtains on fire.

CHILD IN A TUXEDO
Mommy!!!
The child tries to get one of the figurines off his hand by
shaking it, but it just won't unstick from his palm.
Albuquerque and Steve look on in total shock and disbelief.
Dr. Kim looks sympathetically at Steve. Patty is disgusted
and angry.
Tragic tears fall from Mrs. Dinkelmeyer-Dobson's horrified
eyes.
Not again!
Shaking her head, and mouthing the word "no" over and over
and over again, she slips out the side door and peers in
through a window with wide eyes before escaping for good.
EXT. HOTEL AND CONFERENCE CENTER LOBBY - NIGHT

An ambulance with it's lights flashing is parked in front of
the Hotel and Conference Center. Paramedics help the guests.
The FEMALE GUEST is lifted into the ambulance on a gurney.
She wears an oxygen mask. Other patrons are seen dissipating
into the night. One man comforts his wife who seems
shell-shocked. Someone inside the lobby sprays short blasts
of a fire extinguisher on the now-smoldering curtains.
Albuquerque runs after Patty who is high-tailing it out of
there.
ALBUQUERQUE
Patty-
PATTY
I don't want to hear it. You are
such a couple of losers!
Patty leaves Albuquerque in her dust.
ALBUQUERQUE
How was I supposed to know she was
wanted by the police in six
states?!?
BILL
(eating a Peeps action
figure )
That's where I know her from!
Marcus holds a tray of the "toys," gobbling them down.
71.
Steve appears behind Albuquerque.

STEVE
I had a bad feeling about this.
ALBUQUERQUE
Well why don't you just blame me?!?
STEVE
Well it IS your fault!
ALBUQUERQUE
At least I'm trying to do
something!
STEVE
Something dumb!
ALBUQUERQUE
Stupid!
STEVE
Idiot!
Dr. Kim approaches, holding Peeps.
DR. KIM
Hi guys. I'm so sorry...
STEVE
I just need some time to think...
Steve begins to walk away.
DR. KIM
Steve...
STEVE
I just can't...
Steve goes for his bike. He cycles away pitifully, with the
look of a child about to cry.
DR. KIM
Albuquerque...
ALBUQUERQUE
No! This isn't my fault! How was I
supposed to know?!?
DR. KIM
Albuquerque...
ALBUQUERQUE
My tummy hurts...
72.
DR. KIM
Albuquerque...
ALBUQUERQUE
Ow! I gotta get out of here...
Albuquerque grabs his own bike and leaves in the other
direction.
Dr. Kim is left holding Peeps.
EXT. DOWNTOWN STREET - NIGHT

Steve walks aimlessly down an empty sidewalk lit in yellow
street lamps and intermittent shadow. It begins to rain.
Chilly, he pulls up the collar on his shirt and hugs himself
for warmth.
EXT. PATTY'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Steve, standing in the rain, knocks on Patty's front door. We
see her look through the window at him. She draws the
curtains in disgust.
EXT. COUNTY ROAD - NIGHT

Albuquerque slowly rides down a lonely country road on his
bike in the rain.
EXT. DOWNTOWN STREET - LATER THAT NIGHT

Steve still walks, but slower now. He rubs his own ear as if
in pain. He sits on a park bench to rest.
EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - NIGHT

Albuquerque sits dejected on the side of the road in the rain
with his bike. It is dark. Suddenly headlights glare into his
eyes. A car pulls up beside him. It is Dr. Kim. She rolls
down her window.
DR. KIM
(with a friendly smile )
Hi. Need a ride?
Albuquerque stands reluctantly. He nods his head like a
child. He climbs in the car.
INT. DR. KIM'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Dr. Kim and Albuquerque enter Dr. Kim's house.
73.
DR. KIM
Peeps is in here. I'll get her for
you.
Dr. Kim retrieves Peeps and holds her out for Albuquerque to
take.
ALBUQUERQUE
I don't ever hold her. Steve does
that.
DR. KIM
She wont hurt you, Albuquerque.
ALBUQUERQUE
Her skin...I just dont want skin
like that...and my hair...I really
like my hair...
He touches his hair. It is a mess from the rain.
DR. KIM
Steve's skin and hair are fine.
Albuquerque doesn't know how to respond.
DR. KIM (CONTD) (CONT'D)
Look, Albuquerque, Peeps is a
rescue dog. Okay?
ALBUQUERQUE
(unconvinced )
Uh-huh.
DR. KIM
So shes had a hard life.
ALBUQUERQUE
What do you mean?
DR. KIM
Well, she was a one-dog puppy farm
for some very bad people up in
Carson. And she was rescued by your
Uncle John.
Albuquerque looks a little confused.
DR. KIM (CONTD) (CONT'D)
Those people who had her before
your Uncle John made her have lots
of babies, so they could sell those
babies to people. Because lots of
people like Chinese Cresteds and
want to have them as puppies.
74.
ALBUQUERQUE
They made her be a mommy when she
didnt want to be? Why didnt she
want to be a mommy?
DR. KIM
Well, she probably did, but they
made her have way too many puppies.
Probably over one hundred babies.
ALBUQUERQUE
Wow. What did she do with them?
DR. KIM
Well, the people who owned her sold
them to people all over the
country.
ALBUQUERQUE
Oh.
DR. KIM
So she was separated from them at
birth. She never knew them.
Albuquerque listens intently.
DR. KIM (CONT'D)
(slowly )
Little Bo Peep has lost her
sheep...and doesnt know where to
find them.
Albuquerque considers this.
ALBUQUERQUE
(fighting back tears)
Mommies should stay with their
babies.
DR. KIM
Well, yes, but sometimes they
cant. Sometimes it isnt their
fault.
ALBUQUERQUE
Okay.
DR. KIM
Youre a good man, Albuquerque.
Your mom would be very proud of
you.
This effects Albuquerque deeply.
Dr. Kim extends Peeps a little towards him. With some fear,
but mostly with a sense of growing pride in himself and
75.
Peeps, he gently opens his arms. With the awkwardness of a

solemn and loving new father, Albuquerque receives Peeps.
Dr. Kim touches Albuquerques cheek as a loving mother might.
Dr. Kim leaves the room. Albuquerque really looks at Peeps.
ALBUQUERQUE
Im sorry...
He pushes through.
Im sorry...I left you.
Albuquerque summons his positivity and courage.
(softly to Peeps )
Who wants to win an international
dog show?
Peeps barks quietly and sweetly.
(louder and building it )
I said, Who wants to win an
international dog show?!?
Peeps erupts with a loud confident bark!
Me too! Lets do it!
EXT. DR. KIM'S VETERINARY CLINIC, PARKING LOT - MAGIC HOUR

A new day is dawning. Steve walks out into the warm glow of
the sunrise. He holds Peeps affectionately in his arms. His
face is strong and proud.
INT. WAGGY DOGGY CORPORATE OFFICE, CONFERENCE ROOM - MORNING

The three Waggy Doggy corporate executives from earlier
discuss papers of some sort. One stands while the other two
sit. It is a heated debate.
TALLER EXECUTIVE
These falsely encouraging
projections are not representative
of the sluggish quarterly earnings.
Waggy Doggy Doggy Foody is in
trouble if we don't correct this
negative trending.
76.
ALBUQUERQUE BURSTS THROUGH THE DOOR AND INTO THE CONFERENCE

ROOM.
The execs look up at him shocked.
SHORTER EXECUTIVE
Can we help you?
ALBUQUERQUE
My brother and I might not have the
cutest dog in the world. We might
not even have the ugliest dog in
the world, but doggonit, we've got
the BEST dog in the world. Peeps is
a sweetheart. She's loving and
she's likes children and she never
bites or barks in anger, even
though she was treated badly. She
has had lots of babies that were
stolen from her and she is still
strong. Before my Uncle John her
owners were mean to her and hurt
her, so she lost her eye,...but she
is still kind and forgiving. She
doesn't hold a grudge. She doesn't
get mad when you don't do something
right. She doesn't judge you and
make you feel bad about yourself,
because you don't always make the
right choices. She doesn't care if
you have money. She doesn't care if
you have a fancy car. She doesn't
care if you don't live in a mansion
and she doesn't throw golf balls at
you! She loves you...no matter
what. She doesn't leave you sitting
alone in the rain. Peeps is a good
dog. And you messed up by not
taking her as your mascot.
There is a tense silence as the executives look at
Albuquerque and Peeps.
Albuquerque sees this is not working, but is not discouraged.
He is inspired by their silence. He will find another
sponsor. He knows it now.
Thank you for your time. And good
luck...
Albuquerque turns dramatically to exit, but...
Young man!
Albuquerque stops with his back to the executives. Slowly, he
77.
turns to them.
TALLER EXECUTIVE
Let's talk.
INT. DR. KIM'S BROTHER'S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - MORNING

Albuquerque gallops through the front door with Peeps in tow.
ALBUQUERQUE
We did it! We're going to the
"World's Ugliest Dog Contest!"
Steve finds Steve and Dr. Kim.
Steve is clearly ill. He has a thermometer in his mouth and a
cold compress on his forehead. Dr. Kim feeds him from a bowl
of steaming chicken noodle soup.
STEVE
(smiling through the pain)
How?!? Ow!
ALBUQUERQUE
Waggy Doggy Doggy Foody changed
their minds! They're sponsoring us!
STEVE
Yay!
(in pain )
Aah!
ALBUQUERQUE
What's the matter?
DR. KIM
He has a severe double ear
infection and a fever. He won't be
able to ride on a plane. It could
really damage his ears.
Albuquerque looks nervous.
STEVE
I'll be fine here. You have to do
it, Albuquerque. For Peeps.
Albuquerque seems scared but brave at the same time. He looks
to Peeps for encouragement. Peeps licks his face.
EXT. OPEN BLUE SKY - DAY

An airplane crosses the sky from low right to up left making
a loud whoosh.
78.
INT. OAKLAND AIRPORT - DAY

Albuquerque strides down the Oakland Airport concourse,
brimming with excitement, carrying Peeps on his arm, and
dragging a rolling bag and dog carrier.
INT. CAB - DAY

Albuquerque and Peeps travel in the backseat of a cab.
ALBUQUERQUE
Good girl. We're almost there.
EXT. SONOMA-MARIN FAIR - DAY

Albuquerque steps out of his cab and into the Sonoma-Marin
Fair, home of the "World's Ugliest Dog Contest."
There are thousands of visitors milling about, participating
in different activities. Albuquerque has never seen this many
people in one place. He is overwhelmed. He holds Peeps close
to him.
Walking backwards and looking around himself he bumps into a
woman.
ALBUQUERQUE
Oh, excuse me.
The woman turns. It is MILDRED.
Her hairy mole is now above her right eye.
However; this is barely noticeable, because
she holds, what, at first glance, appears to be...
TWO INCREDIBLY UGLY DOGS
who share one large custom-made dog sweater,
but in fact,
upon further inspection
one can see that this is actually
ONE DOG,
Ping-Pong,
a dog with
TWO HEADS AND EIGHT LEGS
79.
***CONJOINED TWINS!***
MILDRED
Oh hi!!! Look Ping-Pong! It's Peeps
and one of Peeps's daddies! I'm
sorry, what's your name again?
We've only met that one time. I've
never seen you otherwise, or ever
been to your house, or looked in
your windows with infrared goggles
at night while you sleep - I'm
Mildred.
Mildred stops herself and smiles mechanically.
Albuquerque is in a deep state of shock. He can't take his
eyes off Ping-Pong in the full light of day, no longer
obscured by a shadowy baby pram.
MILDRED (CONT'D)
Well, we're off to registration!
May the best dog win!!!
ALBUQUERQUE
But you have two incredibly ugly
dogs...that's...that's not fair.
MILDRED
They share ONE HEART, so,
technically, according to article
seven, subsection "A", paragraph
ninety-three of the "Worlds'
Ugliest Dog Contest" RULES she's
ONE DOG.
Mildred's eyes have a wild predatorial look towards Peeps.
Albuquerque registers this and moves back a step.
Mildred quickly conceals this look with a saccharin smile.
Mildred backs away from him, keeping her wide eyes on him the
entire time until she vanishes creepily into the crowd.
ALBUQUERQUE
(he shudders violently )
Yleeeuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhh.

Steve and Dr. Kim get comfortable on the couch. He is wrapped
up in a blanket with chills. She turns on the TV.
A reporter is seen at the fair holding a microphone.
80.
REPORTER
This year's "World's Ugliest Dog
Contest" is about to get underway
here at the Sonoma-Marin Fair in
lovely Petaluma, California on this
beautiful sunny day. Unfortunately,
despite the lovely weather, this
year's competition is tainted by
controversy. Two former first and
second place winners of the contest
are missing. Rascal and Icky are
still being searched for by the
FBI. Foul play has been suspected.
A man is interviewed...
DANE ANDREW
Rascal is a "World's Ugliest Dog:
Ring of Champions" winner. He was
taken from my home. Stolen. There
are no leads in the case.
Another man is interviewed...
JON ADLER
Icky is missing and we think he was
kidnapped. Whoever it was left no
trace. Like some kind of...ninja.
It's horrible.
Back to the reporter...
REPORTER
Here are pictures of Rascal and
Icky.
Steve and Dr. Kim look at the TV. They see the pictures, but
we do not.
STEVE
Yuck. Wait a minute...! Wait...
a... minute!
Steve thinks he recalls something, maybe recognizing the dogs
in the photographs, but he smells popcorn cooking in the
microwave...
STEVE (CONT'D)
Popcorn?
...and the memory is lost.
STEVE (CONT'D)
Buttery popcorn!
81.
INT. MARCUS'S HOUSE, TV ROOM - DAY

Marcus and Bill are also watching the TV. Same channel. They
are still eating the Peeps action figures, this time from
snack bowls.
Back to the reporter's face...
REPORTER
In happier news, this year's
contest will begin in only moments
from now. Contestants from around
the world are pouring in.
The camera turns and captures Albuquerque.
ALBUQUERQUE
Uuuuhhh...
REPORTER
Where are you from, friend?
ALBUQUERQUE
Urnbau, Alabama.
Seeing Albuquerque on the screen, Marcus and Bill spit bits
of their Peeps action figures across the room.
MARCUS
Oh my god.
BILL
That's our boy!
On the screen...
REPORTER
Are you telling me you traveled
twenty-five hundred miles to get
here so that your dog could compete
in the competition today?
ALBUQUERQUE
It took 22,472 seconds. I counted.
REPORTER
And who is this little fella?
ALBUQUERQUE
Peeps. She's a girl. Chinese
Crested. She's a rescue dog from a
puppy mill in Carson, Alabama. She
had over a hundred babies, but we
don't know where they all are now.
82.
REPORTER
Oh wow. Do you think she's ugly
enough to win today?
ALBUQUERQUE
I hope so.
REPORTER
Great! Well, there you have it.
We'll be reporting all day from the
Sonoma-Marin Fair and announce the
winner LIVE. Back to you at the
station.
EXT. WORLD'S UGLIEST DOG CONTEST REGISTRATION - DAY

Albuquerque approaches a woman at the registration table.
REGISTRATION WOMAN
Hi, welcome to the contest. Let's
get you ready.
Exciting upbeat music is heard over loudspeakers.
Albuquerque signs some papers and the Registration Woman pins
a name tag on his shirt.
EXT. WORLD'S UGLIEST DOG CONTEST, STAGE - DAY

Albuquerque stands near the contest stage, along with 19
other contestants. He seems to be going over dance moves in
his head while holding Peeps. Counting and moving his hands
and feet a little, he sweats nervously.
The WORLD'S UGLIEST DOG MASTER OF CEREMONIES takes the stage.
UGLIEST DOG MC
Who wants to see some ugly dogs?
The crowd cheers loudly.
UGLIEST DOG MC (CONT'D)
I can't HEAR YOU.
The crowd cheers deafeningly loudly.
Let's meet our first contestant.
MONTAGE WITH MUSIC:
Many owners present their ugly canines. One at a time the
dogs are set up on a table for the judges and the spectators
to see. The crowd applauds each new dog.
83.
Finally Peeps is shown. The judges circle her and inspect her
thoroughly. The music from the montage fades down.
FIRST JUDGE
Peeps is a Chinese Crested from
Urnbau, Alabama. She is the 12th
Chinese Crested in competition this
year.
The crowd applauds and Albuquerque smiles with nervous pride.
The last dog to go is Ping-Pong. Mildred places Ping-Pong up
on the table and steps away.
FIRST JUDGE (CONT'D)
We're going to have to take this
sweater off.
Suddenly Mildred steps up with a piece of paper. Another
judge reads it.
SECOND JUDGE
This is an official note from a
veterinarian in Urnbau, Alabama,
Dr. Kim Longnecker.
Albuquerque is confused.
INT. DR. KIM'S BROTHER'S HOUSE - DAY

DR. KIM
What? That's me!
STEVE
Your last name is Longnecker?!?
Dr. Kim looks at Steve, offended, then back to the TV.

SECOND JUDGE
Evidently, Ping-Pong's veterinarian
has sent a medical excuse for her,
explaining why she must wear this
specially-made sweater at all
times.
MILDRED
It holds all her organs in her
body.
The judges look disturbed at this information.
84.
MILDRED (CONT'D)
(smiling outrageously )
She needs her organs!

DR. KIM
I wrote no such thing!!! Wait! That
woman looks very familiar. She was
in our offices milling around
recently. She must have stolen some
of my stationary and forged a note!
STEVE
Longnecker?
DR. KIM
Oh Steve, come on!

The judges back away from Ping-Pong, lest they inadvertently
cause her intestines to spill out onto the table.
FIRST JUDGE
Okay...
MILDRED
Otherwise she's perfectly healthy!
Mildred smiles and encourages clapping from the crowd. Some
of the crowd join her, clapping timidly.
Albuquerque smells a rat.
UGLIEST DOG MC
Okay, so, Ping-Pong is a ten
year-old Chinese Crested set of
conjoined fraternal twins, also
hailing from Urnbau, Alabama. Two
heads and eight legs worth of ugly
dog!
The crowd roars! Mildred is giddy with power.
All the dog owners line up on the stage.
Albuquerque turns to another contestant...
ALBUQUERQUE
What about the talent portion of
the competition?
85.
ANOTHER CONTESTANT
What talent portion of the
competition? There is no talent
portion.
Albuquerque catches Mildred's eye. She smiles wickedly.
ALBUQUERQUE
You...!
The judge has overheard some of this interaction.
SECOND JUDGE
Does Peeps have a special talent?
ALBUQUERQUE
Yes.
SECOND JUDGE
And what is it?
ALBUQUERQUE
Dancing.
FIRST JUDGE
Really?
SECOND JUDGE
I wouldn't mind seeing that.
Mildred is horrified.
FIRST JUDGE
Absolutely.
Albuquerque produces an eight-track tape from his back
pocket.
The First Judge takes the eight-track and pops it in the
eight-track player under the judges' table.
The other contestants step off the stage and into the crowd
to watch.
MUSIC BLARES. It is a modern hip-hop song. All the dog
owners, save Mildred, begin to move to the music.

Dr. Kim is very excited, moved almost to tears of joy.
Steve looks at the TV, slack-jawed in pride for his brother.
Dr. Kim and Steve begin to clap to the beat of the song.
Steve has some trouble finding the beat.
86.

Albuquerque puts Peeps down on the stage and begins dancing,
kind of pathetically at first. Peeps just stands there.
Mildred looks on with renewed confidence.
Albuquerque begins to improve.
Mildred's face drops a little.
Albuquerque's dance moves improve exponentially over the
first minute of the song. Peeps does almost nothing, tilting
her head occasionally.
The crowd is now going wild.
Albuquerque is full-on robot-popping like a pro. Peeps sits.
Mildred is filled with terrible jealously.

Dr. Kim and Steve dance in the living room in front of the
TV, so excited.

Marcus and Bill are dancing while sitting down on the couch,
mouths full with Peeps action figures. They wear their bowls
as hats. Bill makes one of the action figures dance on his
arm. They cheer Albuquerque on.

Albuquerque finishes strong. Peeps is lying down relaxing.
The crowd is ecstatic.

Dr. Kim and Steve hug each other, smiling, proud of
Albuquerque and Peeps.

Marcus and Bill are asleep on opposite ends of the couch,
exhausted from the slight exercise. Marcus picks his nose in
his sleep. Bill snores.
87.

Albuquerque picks up Peeps.
UGLIEST DOG MC
Wow! Let's have another round of
applause for...
ALBUQUERQUE
Peeps.
UGLIEST DOG MC
Peeps! And Peeps's owner...
ALBUQUERQUE
Albuquerque.
UGLIEST DOG MC
Albuquerque!
ALBUQUERQUE
Thank you.
Albuquerque smiles and waves pleasantly to the crowd.
Mildred steps in front of Albuquerque with a microphone. She
begins to sing to the crowd. Her voice is like Aphrodite's
ambrosia mixed with the nectar of honeysuckle.
She sings an a cappella version of the Austrian aria "Ah non
ferir, t'arresta" from Franz Joseph Haydn's ARMIDA.
She brushes the single hair from her mole slowly and
confidently out of her eye as a Hollywood starlet from the
1940's might gently brush back her bangs so the key light
might show in her eyes.
The crowd, the judges, the MC, and the other contestants are
all stunned and enraptured. Even Albuquerque can't believe
it.
Ping-Pong begins to howl along with her singing.
Though it can't be possible, it sounds as if, yes, she and
Ping-Pong are in three-part harmony.

Marcus and Bill are roused from their sleep by this heavenly
sound. They stare at the TV screen as if they are looking
into the face of God.

Dr. Kim and Steve stare at the TV screen, looking amazed and
88.
disappointed at the same time.

DR. KIM
Crap.
STEVE
You don't even HAVE a long neck.
Dr. Kim is annoyed and scrunches her face, but refuses to
look at Steve.

Mildred and Ping-Pong finish the song.
Everyone is silent.
The World's Ugliest Dog MC shakes his head as if awaking from
a deep trance.
UGLIEST DOG MC
Uh... Well... Thank you, Mildred
and Ping-Pong.
The crowd claps appreciatively, but not loud enough to break
the beautiful mood.
Ladies and gentlemen. Canines and
humans. Ugly and beautiful. We have
tallied the votes from the judges
and we are ready to announce this
year's winner of the "World's
Ugliest Dog" contest. Drum roll
please.
A drum roll is heard.
And the winner is...
The crowd leans in.
Ping-Pong!
The crowd goes wild.
Mildred throws one fist in the air. She hands Ping-Pong to
the First Judge and does a very unsportsmanlike touchdown
dance. She struts to Albuquerque.
MILDRED
In your FACE!!!!!
Then to Peeps.
89.
MILDRED (CONT'D)
IN... YOUR... PRETTY... LITTLE...
FACE!!!! How ya like me? How does
it FEEL? Who's ugly NOW? YES!!!!!
OH YEAH!!! That's right!!!
Albuquerque is no longer disappointed. He would rather not to
have won than to behave like Mildred.
SUDDENLY, while Mildred does her victory taunts, TWO MEN
SHOVE THEIR WAY TO THE FRONT OF THE CHEERING CROWD.
They are Dane Andrew and Jon Adler, the owners of the
kidnapped dogs.
DANE ANDREW
That's my dog! Rascal!
JON ADLER
And that's Icky! You stole my
dog!!!
Mildred reaches for "Ping-Pong," but the First Judge holding
"her" steps back.
TWO FBI AGENTS appear and storm the stage, lunging for
Mildred.
Mildred, sans "Ping-Pong," pulls a crouching-tiger and leaps
into the air, feet skyward, mounting her right hand on a bald
man's head, catapulting over the front row of spectators and
into the crowd. She vanishes into the mob like an apparition,
appearing moments later in the far-distance scaling the tall
wooden fence that lines the fairground. The FBI Agents enter
the crowd in pursuit.
Dane Andrew and Jon Adler help the two Judges remove the
sweater from Rascal and Icky. The dog owners are joyfully
reunited with their pups.
JON ADLER (CONT'D)
(crying loudly )
Never leave my sight again. Never!
The crowd is in chaos. Albuquerque clutches Peeps close. The
other dog owners look around in concern.
The MC sits on the floor of the stage in a corner and
comforts himself by rocking back and forth.
Albuquerque finds the microphone.
ALBUQUERQUE
Excuse me! Everyone! Everyone
please!
The crowd stops and listens. Albuquerque gestures to Rascal
90.
and Icky, held by their true owners.

It looks like the real winners are
you guys.
The MC stands and takes the mic.
UGLIEST DOG MC
Yes. Yes, that's right. Rascal and
Icky will share the crown. Rascal
and Icky are each the new "World's
Ugliest Dog!"
The crowd cheers!
Albuquerque smiles at Peeps with a look of maturity and calm.

STEVE
We lost.
DR. KIM
...I'm sorry.

Marcus and Bill are asleep again. This time they have
switched places. Bill sucks his thumb in his sleep and Marcus
snores at the other end of the couch.
INT. CAB - DAY

Albuquerque rides a cab back to the airport. Though defeated
he has a contented look of strength.
INT. OAKLAND AIRPORT - DAY

Albuquerque walks back through the airport, retracing his
steps to his departure gate.
EXT. SLIGHTLY OVERCAST SKY - DAY

A plane crosses slowly over the sky from up left to down
right.
SLOW
CROSS-FADE:
91.
EXT. DR. KIM'S BROTHER'S HOUSE - DAY

Albuquerque walks up the driveway carrying Peeps and rolling
his suitcase. His mood is still strong, but slightly solemn.
He must face Steve and Dr. Kim and their certain
disappointment.
He steps up to the door and it swings open. It's Steve,
beaming.
STEVE
Kerky. Come here. You're not going
to believe this.
ALBUQUERQUE
Uh...we lost.
STEVE
I know. C'mere.

Steve leads the way to the living.
The living room is filled with dog owners. Very special dog
owners. Each person, and there are about twelve people, holds
a Chinese Crested. Each one resembles Peeps in some way.
ALBUQUERQUE
What...is this?
DR. KIM
They're her children. We found
Peeps's sheep.
ALBUQUERQUE
Oh my God.
STEVE
Peeps. You got a lot of kids.
ALBUQUERQUE
How did you...?
DR. KIM
The emails started pouring into my
work account immediately after the
contest. I guess a lot of the
people who bought or rescued
Peeps's puppies were watching the
show and heard them mention my
name...
Steve leans in and whispers loudly to Albuquerque...
92.
STEVE
Longnecker!
DR. KIM
I can hear you. Several of them
heard you say Peeps was a rescue
dog from Carson and made the
connection.
STEVE
We've gotten messages from over
forty owners so far. I'm sure we
can find more.
ALBUQUERQUE
This is amazing
Albuquerque slowly steps up to one of the owners who holds a
tiny Chinese Crested.
OWNER OF TINY CHINESE CRESTED
His name is Tiny.
ALBUQUERQUE
Tiny. You hear that Peeps? This is
one of your babies, Tiny.
Peeps stretches out her neck and tentatively sniffs the top
of Tiny's head. She then affectionately licks his miniature
ears.
Everyone smiles, beaming. The other dog owners move close to
Peeps. She is surrounded by love.
Albuquerque's giant cell phone rings. Steve takes Peeps and
they stay huddled with the other dogs while Albuquerque
answers the phone.
Hello?...
Albuquerque's face falls.
Yes... we'll be right there.
Steve and Dr. Kim look concerned.
EXT. UNCLE JOHN'S MANSION, DRIVEWAY - DAY

Albuquerque and Steve approach Uncle John's mansion.
Albuquerque carries Peeps protectively. Steve looks ready for
conflict. They ring the doorbell.
Mr. Devlin answers the door.
93.
MR. DEVLIN
Welcome. Come in please.
INT. UNCLE JOHN'S MANSION, LIVING ROOM - DAY

Mr. Devlin leads them to the same sofa where they sat before
for the video will.
MR. DEVLIN
So...
STEVE
We know.
ALBUQUERQUE
It's been three months.
STEVE
And we've taken great care of
Peeps.
ALBUQUERQUE
Dr. Kim sent this note. And this
one is REAL.
STEVE
She says Peeps is happy and healthy
and never looked better.
MR. DEVLIN
Yes, that's wonderful boys. I'm
very pleased. But...
Mr. Devlin pulls out a stack of papers and rifles through
them.
Albuquerque and Steve look to each other, then to Mr. Devlin.
ALBUQUERQUE
We know we didn't win an
international dog show like we were
supposed to...
STEVE
...but that doesn't matter anymore.
We don't need a big house...
ALBUQUERQUE
...or millions of dollars...
STEVE
...or even a tent!
ALBUQUERQUE
We have each other. We're a family
and we will figure it out.
94.
STEVE
I got a job at the Ugly Dog Rescue
Foundation.
ALBUQUERQUE
I've been asked to be a judge for
this season of Dancing Dog North
America. It begins filming next
week.
STEVE
And Peeps has several offers from
major animal clothing designers.
We're gonna be fine.
ALBUQUERQUE
And we're not giving up Peeps.
STEVE
She's one of us now.
Albuquerque and Steve high five and stand up to go.
Steve turns back to Mr. Devlin.
STEVE (CONT'D)
Say. What happens to this place now
that we don't get it?
MR. DEVLIN
Oh...
Mr. Devlin reads from his stack of papers.
MR. DEVLIN (CONT'D)
Well... in the event that you do
not win an international dog show
within three months time of your
uncle's passing... all property,
cash and any other possessions in
your uncle's estate fall to...
Albuquerque and Steve look on in curiosity.
MR. DEVLIN (CONT'D)
...Peeps.
Albuquerque and Steve look to each other, then to Peeps, then
to Mr. Devlin.
Huh?
MR. DEVLIN
Yes, it's right here. Peeps is now
the owner of the estate. And...
Peeps's caretakers will receive
(MORE)
95.
MR. DEVLIN (CONT'D)

thirty-thousand dollars a month
allowance. And... said caretakers
will be allowed to live in this
house... along with Peeps, of
course.
ALBUQUERQUE
So...
STEVE
...what you're sayin' is...
...we get our tent back?!?
Mr. Devlin smiles broadly.
MR. DEVLIN
Yes. You get your tent back.
ALBUQUERQUE
And the grass?!?
MR. DEVLIN
Yes.
STEVE
And the DIRT?!?!?
MR. DEVLIN
Even the dirt.
The boys celebrate by jumping up and down with Peeps. They
hug Mr. Devlin. He laughs, loving it.
ALBUQUERQUE
Although we love that tent...
STEVE
We really love it.
ALBUQUERQUE
I think we might be able to do a
little bit better...
STEVE
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
EXT. UNCLE JOHN'S MANSION, BACKYARD - DAY

Albuquerque and Steve's tent has been replaced by another
tent, identical in every way, except that it is slightly
larger. Albuquerque, Steve, Peeps and Dr. Kim look up at it
in utter joy.
96.
STEVE
That's what I'm talking about!
They all run inside the tent.

Albuquerque and Steve have decorated the place. Pictures of
their mom and them as children hang in several places. Steve
and Dr. Kim sit on a double-beanbag chair. Full potato chip
bags line the inside of the tent.
DR. KIM
How about something healthier than
potato chips, guys?
STEVE
French fries!
A doorbell is heard.
STEVE (CONT'D)
The doorbell works!
Albuquerque steps out the door.

It's Patty. She smiles confidently.
Albuquerque is shocked.
PATTY
What are you doing out here?
ALBUQUERQUE
I live here.
PATTY
Oh come on. Come in the house. You
can make me a lemonade.
ALBUQUERQUE
Patty.
PATTY
(flirty )
Yes?
ALBUQUERQUE
You are as mean as a snake.
PATTY
Unh.
97.
Patty spits her gum out on the grass.

ALBUQUERQUE
And I'm not really into reptiles...
I'm more of a dog person.
Peeps barks supportively. Patty cringes at the sight of her.
Goodbye Patty.
Patty storms off in a huff.

Albuquerque steps back into the tent.
Steve has one end of a 52-inch widescreen TV. The other end
sits on the ground.
DR. KIM
Steve...
STEVE
I know what I'm doing.
ALBUQUERQUE
Oh yeah, awesome!
Albuquerque hands Peeps to Dr. Kim.
STEVE
Just get that end...
ALBUQUERQUE
Got it...
DR. KIM
I'll be outside with Peeps.
STEVE
Honey, can you feed the cable wire
through the wall.
DR. KIM
Oh lord.
Dr. Kim steps outside.
The boys attempt to mount the TV.
ALBUQUERQUE
Got it?!?
98.
STEVE
I got it!
It appears they have successfully mounted it to the wall.
They release it and the TV pulls down the side of the tent.
The boys try to catch it, but fall as it does.
Aaah!

Dr. Kim stands with Mr. Devlin outside the tent and they
watch it collapse.
We hear the boys screaming inside.
ALBUQUERQUE (O.C.)
You're sitting on my neck!
STEVE (O.C.)
I can't feel arms!
MR. DEVLIN
(to Dr. Kim )
Should we help them?
DR. KIM
They'll be alright.
We hear the boys laughing inside. Dr. Kim sets down Peeps.
Peeps stretches her legs.
ALBUQUERQUE
You're an idiot!
STEVE
I know! You're a stupid idiot!
ALBUQUERQUE
You too!
Mr. Devlin shakes his head and chuckles. Dr. Kim sways
off-balance as she laughs. Peeps looks like she is smiling.
She rolls in the grass.
CREDITS MONTAGE
As the credits roll...
ANNOUNCER
We have the brand new hit single by
the hip-hop wonder team Dogspeed,
from their platinum selling album,
"Bark Equals Bite."
99.
Music blasts as the boys begin to bust a rhyme with their

song, "Ogly." The credits for the video appear in the bottom
left corner as they usually do for a music video.
ARTIST: DOGSPEED
SONG: OGLY
DIRECTOR: DIVA-STAY-SHAWN
Albuquerque and Steve dance and rap like pros, looking
directly at the camera.
Diva-Stay-Shawn dances in the video with them. It's on.
Steve waters a small plant. He harvests coins from the
branches, cleans them off, and puts them in a jar, all the
while dancing.
Uncle John dances joyously with his sister (The Woman in
White aka Albuquerque and Steve's mom) on the terrace of his
estate. The light is heavenly. Uncle John needs no
wheelchair.
Steve, in his woman disguise, dances a tango with the very
very large man with tattoos.
Mildred, Patty, and Mrs. Dinkelmeyer-Dobson all jam out in
Mildred's car, singing along with the song. Mildred turns it
up on the radio. Patty, disgusted, points out Mildred's mole
to her, which is now on her forehead. Mildred pulls the mole
off her own forehead - it detaches fairly easily. She pops it
in her mouth. It tastes pretty good. Patty almost vomits. A
police siren is heard. Mildred mouths, "Oh crap." All three
women begin to panic. Mildred stops the car and Mrs.
Dinkelmeyer-Dobson leaps out of the car and runs away full
speed. Patty sits still and chews her gum nervously. Mildred
mouths the words, "Stupid! Stupid!" and hits her head on the
steering wheel.
The corporate executives at Waggy Doggy Doggy Foody dance the
robot. One eats from a can of Waggy Doggy Doggy Foody with a
spoon. Delicious!
All the contestants at the "World's Ugliest Dog" contest
dance with their pooches.
Dr. Kim and Steve dance together.
Albuquerque dances his dance from the talent portion of the
"World's Ugliest Dog" contest. This time Peeps stands on her
hind legs and walks to the beat.
Crew members of the film dance to the beat.
Marcus and Bill are still asleep on the couch but tap their
feet to the beat.
100.
Young Albuquerque and Young Steve dance and rap with the
adult versions of themselves. They all look out at the
camera.
FADE TO BLACK
END

The Ugliest Dog in The World

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THE UGLIEST DOG IN THE WORLD

INT. CAMPING TENT - DAY

EXT. UNCLE JOHN'S MANSION, BACKYARD - DAY

EXT. POND - DAY

INT. MARCUS'S HOUSE - DAY

EXT. CHILDREN'S PARK, JUNGLE GYM - DAY

EXT. UNCLE JOHN'S MANSION - DAY

INT. UNCLE JOHN'S MANSION, LIVING ROOM - DAY

MR. DEVLIN (O.C.)

INT. UNCLE JOHN'S MANSION, KITCHEN - DAY

EXT. UNCLE JOHN'S MANSION, DRIVEWAY - DAY

Steve grabs a branch from a nearby bush and begins beating

EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - DAY

EXT. DR. KIM'S VETERINARY CLINIC - DAY

INT. DR. KIM'S VETERINARY CLINIC, FRONT OFFICE - DAY

INT. DR. KIM'S VETERINARY CLINIC, EXAM ROOM - DAY

EXT. DR. KIM'S VETERINARY CLINIC - DAY

INT. DR. KIM'S VETERINARY CLINIC, CLINIC HALLWAY - DAY

movement with his head.

INT. DR. KIM'S VETERINARY CLINIC, EXIT CASHIER - DAY

EXT. DR. KIM'S VETERINARY CLINIC, SIDE DOOR - DAY

EXT. DR. KIM'S VETERINARY CLINIC, PARKING LOT - DAY

INT. DR. KIMS ANIMAL HOSPITAL - DAY

EXT. SIDEWALK - DAY

INT. LIBRARY COMPUTER LAB - DAY

INTERCUT PHONE CONVERSATION

INT. LIBRARY COMPUTER SCREEN - DAY

INTERCUT PHONE CONVERSATION CONTINUED:

INT. MARCUS'S HOUSE - DAY

INT. COMMUNITY CENTER, DANCE STUDIO - DAY

INT. PUBLIC LIBRARY - NIGHT

INT. PUBLIC LIBRARY - MORNING

EXT. DR. KIM'S VETERINARY CLINIC - MORNING

EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - MORNING

EXT. HOME IN THE COUNTRY - MORNING

EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - MORNING

INT. DR. KIM'S VETERINARY CLINIC, EXAM ROOM - MORNING

INT. DR. KIM'S BROTHER'S HOUSE, FOYER - DAY

INT. DR. KIM'S BROTHER'S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - LATER

EXT. DR. KIM'S BROTHER'S HOUSE, FRONT STOOP - DAY

INT. DR. KIM'S BROTHER'S HOUSE - WEEKS LATER

EXT. HOME IN THE COUNTRY - DAY

WOMAN IN WHITE (CONT'D)

INT. DR. KIM'S BROTHER'S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - DAY

INT. MALL - DAY

EXT. MALL - DAY

INT. MARCUS'S HOUSE - DAY

INTERCUT PHONE CONVERSATION

INT. UNCLE JOHNS MANSION - DAY

INT. MARCUSS HOUSE - DAY

EXT. MARCUS'S HOUSE - DAY

INT. DR. KIMS BROTHERS HOUSE, KITCHEN - THE NEXT DAY

INT. DR. KIMS BROTHERS HOUSE, FRONT DOOR - DAY

EXT. DR. KIMS BROTHERS HOUSE, FRONT DOOR - DAY

INT. DR. KIMS BROTHERS HOUSE, LIVING ROOM - DAY

EXT. DR. KIMS BROTHERS HOUSE, FRONT YARD - DAY

INT. DR. KIMS BROTHERS HOUSE, KITCHEN - DAY

She rubs her hands together with excitement, smiling wickedly

EXT. DR. KIMS BROTHERS HOUSE, FRONT YARD - DAY

INT. DR. KIMS BROTHERS HOUSE, KITCHEN - DAY

EXT. WAGGY DOGGY DOGGY FOODY CORPORATE OFFICES - DAY

INTERCUT PHONE CONVERSATION

INT. WAGGY DOGGY CORPORATE OFFICE, RECEPTION - DAY