CHEMISTRY STAND UP SKIT

By Patrick Daniel D. Sagcal

Aaaaaand welcome to the TODAY SHOW

Featuring Patrick Daniel D. Sagcal

The name's Bond. Ionic Bond. Taken, not shared.

Alright, before I start my enlightened discourse on chemical equilibrium, I want to share this
brilliant quote by my friend who has already attained equilibrium, Sir Prudencio Galsim:

True chemists never die. They simply attain equilibrium!

Dont react like youre all in equilibrium though. You know, by not reacting?

Ah, Chemistry- its the only branch of science where alcohol really is a solution.

The concept of a reversible reaction was discovered by a French chemist who goes by the name
of Claude Louis Bertholet. And as we very well know, the French have a terrible reputation of
always being at the wrong place at the wrong time. Just ask the Duke of Waterloo.

You see, my man Bertholet here was French.

By the time he discovered his little theory, he was in Egypt.

He was there on the orders of Napoleon Bonaparte.

The next time a Frenchman will ever be this lost, it was called the Vietnam War.

I mean, what kind of reasonable debate did he even expect? Equilibrium ratio can change
according to the ratio of the reactants initially taken. Ah, I see. I shall now resume punching
camels in the name of the caliphate.

Then there were these wiseguys named Cato Maximilian Guldberg and Peter Waage, two really
bored chemists from Norway (why not? Norway is where Hell is.) I mean, I dont even know
what these guys were thinking! All they did was remove the tiny little c right next to the k in the
Equilibrium Constant Expression, and TADA!

THE LAW OF MASS ACTION!

bloody morons.
And then there was this French fanfiction writer (oh, Im sorry) CHEMIST who went by the name
of Henry Louis Le Chatelier (because all French chemists have Louis as their second theme).
Wow, the French must have been watching a lot of Breaking Bad to make THAT many chemists.
Anyway, Le Chateliers principle states that when a stress (which is addition or removal of heat,
pressure, volume and/or components) is applied to a system in equilibrium, the system will
respond by losing sleep, overdosing on painkillers, and/or crying incessantly.

Then again, this is coming from the guy whose claimed worst moment of his life was when he
failed to discover ammonia.

You know, Ive been deviating too far from the subject. We need to talk about Chemical
Equilibrium. You know, it has come to my attention that only gases can have equilibrium
constants for pressure. Well, bully to that I say! I think these right wing gases need to check
their privileges! (Especially helium, thinking its so noble). Who are they to make such racist
claims? Aqueous solutions are every bit as gaseous as gases! Hath an aqueous solution not
pressure? Hath an aqueous solution not volume? Temperature? Reacted with the same
catalysts, and inhibitors, as a GAS is?

I have a dream, that one day little aqueous solutions will be able to join hands with little
gaseous solutions as sisters and brothers!

Eh, this advocating for Chemical Equilibrium is getting boring. Then again, there are many kinds
of Equilibrium- the most famous of which is called Buddhism.

So a Buddhist Equilibrium Constant goes up to a Boston bratwurst stand, then says make me
one with everything.

Eh, these Equilibrium jokes are so boring if I tell another one I might attain equilibrium myself.
Then again, I think ALL of you have already attained equilibrium- none of you are reacting. So
Im going to talk about the Power of Hydrogen instead, which makes it sound more like the
Justice League instead of Milk of Magnesia.

And then theres this guy named Soren Sorensen (seriously, what is WRONG with his NAME. His
parents must have had some issues) who invented the pH scale, a graph whose only purpose is
to tell you that if youre suffering from overacidity you should DEFINITELY stop chugging all that
battery acid.

I wont even elaborate on the pH scale. When beer has a pH of 4 but whiskey doesnt have a pH
of 40 it makes me cry a bit inside everytime.

Alright, this has been a wonderful discourse with you on the nature of chemistry. This is the
Today Show, saying- If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
Good night, everybody.