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Suicide

Ella M. Signs

Bath High School

Its a sensitive topic. Usually when brought up in conversation it elicits

uncomfortable looks and responses. But it has been gaining media attention and

deserves to be talked about openly. Suicide is a life-changing event that impacts not

only the person who attempts, not only the family of the person who attempts, but a

whole community of people who love and care for that person. With recent national

coverage over events like rockstar Chris Cornells self-inflicted death and the

controversy surrounding the Netflix series Thirteen Reasons Why, a show revolving

around one teens suicide, the topic has been sneaking its way into conversations more

than usual. But with so much talk about such an issue, a false stigma tends to be

created about people with not only suicidal thoughts, but with mental illnesses in

general. I wanted to uncover the truth about why people decide to end their own life,

what drives them to do so, how survivors feel after living through their attempt, and how

such a tragic event affects the people so close to the victim. So I did some research,

found some statistics, talked personally to multiple people who have been impacted by

suicide, and am now writing this paper to share my knowledge.

A persons teenage years are a time for changing friendships, opportunities,

decisions, and discovering ones identity, so its no wonder teenagers are the most

stressed generation. According to an American Psychological Association survey in

2013, it was reported that teens stress levels clocked in at 5.8 on a 10 point scale and

surpassed adults stress levels, which sat at a 5.1 (2013). This amount of stress may
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be linked to the overwhelming fact that suicide is the second leading cause of death for

Americans aged 10-24. In 2014, suicide resulted in 17.4% of the total deaths of people

in this age group. (Heron, 2016). However, according to the American Foundation for

Suicide Prevention (AFSP), the population of Americans with the highest rate of suicide

is actually middle aged white men, with 19.6% of their deaths resulting from suicide

(2015). These statistics prove that suicide doesnt pick a gender, age, or race. It can

affect anyone. The AFSP also states that in America, about 44,193 people die from

suicide each year. And this number only accounts for the ones who didnt survive. Its

estimated that for every suicide, 25 people attempt, so if I did my math correctly,

approximately 1,104,825 people in America alone try to end their life each year. And of

the people who attempt, almost 50% use firearms (2015).

But what leads people to pull the trigger? To feel their breaths shorten and heart

stop and mind fade and eyes shut and have the whole world suddenly fade from their

memory until that is all that they are - a memory? Do they not realize the

permanentness of death? That once youre gone, youre dead? Gone forever.

According to one survivor, when you are suicidal you dont really think about that. You

just think of ending the pain. Out of all of the survivors whose stories I listened to, not

one of them lived without pain. An individual will not die by suicide unless s/he has both

the desire to die by suicide and the ability to do so. This desire stems from the

simultaneous acquisition of two psychological states: perceived burdensomeness and a

sense of low belongingness or social alienation. Suicidal people are said to have the

ability to commit suicide when they are no longer fearful of pain, injury, and death - a

capability obtained by experiencing past painful events. (Joiner, 2009)

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I communicated with a senior in highschool who almost lost her ex-boyfriend to

suicide. She prefers to remain anonymous, so well call her Emma. Emmas boyfriend

grew up with no father and was the first to see his own mother lying lifeless on his

kitchen floor after an accident. He tried to revive her but was unsuccessful. He feels as

though her death is his fault, and carries this guilt with him everyday. Because he had

no parents, he moved from house to house to find new guardians, and all of this moving

made him feel burdensome. All of these events, coupled with substance abuse,

cheating, and breakups drove him into a depression. This was his pain. To suppress

his pain he experimented with drugs, cut, and eventually overdosed by swallowing 40

Ibuprofen pills. Miraculously, Emma felt something wasnt right and contacted his

guardian who was able to take him to the hospital and get his stomach pumped,

ultimately saving his life (personal communication, May 31, 2017).

I was fortunate enough to speak with a suicide attempt survivor himself. Again,

he preferred to remain anonymous, so his name will be Carlos. Carlos is a middle-aged

white male, meaning hes coincidently part of the group of Americans with the highest

suicide rate. However, his attempt at 40 years old wasnt the first time he had thoughts

of killing himself. He explained to me that his first thoughts of suicide were at only six

years old. He had plans of shooting himself with his dads guns - which were thankfully

locked up. He had suicidal thoughts again his senior year of high school. He carried

around a bottle of Aspirin in his backpack that he had plans of downing after his end-of-

year senior party. He had a change of heart after watching the sunrise the next morning

with his friends. Carlos said for some reason he suddenly felt at peace.
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As a kid, he felt like an outsider. He grew up in an abusive household and

moved out to live with a friend when he was in high school. He got married to his first

wife with whom he had a daughter. At around 16-17 years old his daughter stabbed

herself in a suicide attempt. Luckily, in the words of Carlos, she didnt realize how

much stronger her sternum was than the knife. His daughter is now well and getting

married this summer. Carlos and his first wife ended up getting a divorce, but he found

a new person to share his love with. However, this relationship started to weaken as

well as his second wife began distancing herself from him and instead spent more time

with Carloss best friend. Carlos explained that at the time, all he wanted to do was hold

onto his marriage, so he tried all he could. As an effort to reconnect, he planned a trip

to Cedar Point with a group of friends. Cedar Point itself was really fun, he said, but a

few drinks past midnight a fight between him and his wife broke out and ultimately

ended with his wife leaving him. He was in a state of pure despair. He said that this

depression was different. It was worse than any of the other times he felt depressed.

He said he truly believed that everyone would be better without him. That his kids

would get over it. That by killing himself, hed be doing everyone else a favor.

Thats the thing about depression: the brain is diseased. If any other part of our

body wasnt functioning properly - say our arm was broken or we were blind - no one

would think anything of it. We would be treated with the proper care. But when the

brain isnt functioning properly and is feeding a person so many negative, false

statements, no one else notices and it is many times left untreated. That was the case

with Carlos. He was so convinced that killing himself would better everyone elses lives

that after the fight he purchased a bottle of Aspirin and a Gatorade, sat in his car in his
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hotel parking lot, and began to swallow pill after pill. He told me that after almost 100

tablets were beginning to dissolve in his stomach, he felt the worst pain hes ever felt in

his whole life. The pain was so excruciating that he stopped taking more medication

and instead staggered up to his wifes hotel room, where his best friend also just so

happened to be sleeping. I asked why he went to the room. He said the pain was too

unbearable. He just wanted it to stop. He said it also may have been a subconscious

chance for him to guilt his wife. To say look at what you drove me to do. He doesnt

remember any more of this experience until about a day and a half later when he woke

up alone in a hospital bed in Ohio. Carlos said that he feels this attempt has kind of

knocked any future feelings of wanting to end his life out of his system. Its like it got the

urge out of him and made him realize how beautiful life really is (personal

communication, May 25, 2017).

Another friend was willing to talk to me about how suicide has impacted his life

too. Cleo, now a junior in high school, told me his grandmother passed away from

suicide. He was only 10 or 11 at the time. He explained that the day started as a

normal school morning. His grandmother came to his house to help him and his

siblings get onto the bus and gave each of them a piece of jewelry. When handing the

trinkets to her grandchildren she said she wanted to give them one good thing before

she goes. Cleo said he didnt think much of it at the time. His grandmother ended up

passing away shortly after, though Cleo didnt learn it was because of suicide until this

past winter. She had overdosed on Morphine by three times the lethal amount. It put

me in a really bad place for a while and I felt like I had lost part of me, he explained as

feeling after learning how she really died. When I asked why he thinks she no longer
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felt like living, Cleo speculated it was because she missed her husband who had

passed away years earlier from overdose. Her pain was the loss of her husband (C.

Friend, personal communication, May 23, 2017).

People handle suicide in different ways. Most peoples immediate reaction is

guilt or denial. For Emma, she felt guilt. She felt as though she couldve helped her

friend or even fully prevented the attempt from happening. After talking with her

parents, she now realizes she did all she could to help, though the event continues to

impact her every day. It was the scariest thing that Ive experienced. She has

become a leader in a school wide anti-bullying project with the slogan words matter.

Her class is hoping to expand the project to a national level. Carloss friends and family

reacted in different ways. He said some reacted negatively and have since lost contact

with him. Others have shown extensive support and continue to check in with him to

make sure all is well. Cleo told me his dad, whose mother was lost, feels both guilt and

denial. He feels guilty for his fathers death. He feels as though he couldve prevented

the overdose. As for his mothers, Cleos dad denies it was a suicide. Cleo himself has

began to take his friends more seriously when they mention feelings of depression and

has since stopped taking part in jokes with his friends that could be seen as insensitive

towards the topic.

Is it because one persons decision to end their own life has an impact on

everyone who knew them that suicide has a stigma of being selfish or that the victim is

unappreciative? In response, Carlos explained to me that in his case, it wasnt that he

was ungrateful for everything in his life, but rather his mind just kept focusing on all the

negative. He compared it to watching the news and seeing third-world problems. Its
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easy to say wow that sucks but not actually feel the pain of the people on our TV

screen. Similarly, he was so consumed with everything his brain was telling him was

wrong that the negatives seemed to outweigh the positives. When I asked Carlos how

he felt about the selfish connotation surrounding suicide, he said simply, people just

dont understand. They might be scared or not want to get involved. They might think

youre crazy.

Emma feels that social media is partially to blame for the stigma surrounding

suicide and mental health, I think that we kind of tend to glorify the whole mental illness

and suicide stigma, mostly because of social media. Though she does see the pros of

social media as well, I think it can be helpful in ways - by sharing others stories and

also making everyone feel like they are not alone in this (before social media) it was

so uncomfortable to talk about how many people are dealing with this. She reinstates

the point I made in my introduction - suicide is uncomfortable to talk about. But without

conversation, nothing will change.

Cleo also feels the necessity to talk about such an issue, I wouldnt be able to

live with myself if I couldnt talk about this, he said to me.

So what can we do? Why did I feel the need to share these strangers stories? I

wanted to open up a conversation, because if no one starts one, no one will talk, and

communication is the most powerful tool we have in literally saving lives. Not only will

communication spread awareness and hopefully show loved ones that they have

someone willing to listen to them and care about them, but it can also be used as a

stalling tactic when someone has a set plan to kill themselves. It helps buy time, and in

a life or death situation, every second counts. Communication can be verbal or written.
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In the case of one website, titled If You Are Thinking About Suicide Read This First by

Metanoia, there are pages and pages of rather filler information for the viewers to read

through. The information is completely relevant to suicide and is intended to help the

reader, but serves a greater purpose of distracting the individual and stalling his/her

attempt, hopefully buying enough time for him/her to have a change of heart. Not only

is this information applicable to people free of suicidal thoughts hoping to help someone

who isnt, but it is also relevant to those who may be feeling suicidal themselves. To

those people: talk to someone. Communicate your feelings. Get help, because your

life is unique and precious and deserves to be lived. Its okay to not be okay, but its not

okay to keep that to yourself.

If you ever have thoughts of ending your life, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

can be reached 24 hours a day at 1-800-273-8255.

Works Cited

Joiner, T. (2009, June). The Interpersonal-Psychological Theory of Suicidal Behavior:

Current Empirical Status. Retrieved May 26, 2017, from

http://www.apa.org/science/about/psa/2009/06/sci-brief.aspx.

Heron, M. (2016). Deaths: Leading Causes for 2014 (Vol. 65, pp. 1-96, Rep. No. 5).
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Hyattsville, MD: National Center for Health Statistics. Retrieved June 5, 2017,

from https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/nvsr/nvsr65/nvsr65_05.pdf.

Metanoia. (n.d.). Suicide: Read This First. Retrieved May 26, 2017, from

https://www.metanoia.org/suicide/

Stress in America 2013 Highlights: Are Teens Adopting Adults Stress Habits? (n.d.).

Retrieved June 05, 2017, from

http://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/stress/2013/highlights.aspx/

Suicide Statistics AFSP. (2015). Retrieved May 26, 2017, from

https://afsp.org/about-suicide/suicide-statistics/

One Page Reflection Piece

I wanted to research suicide because mental health is so so important to me and

such a big part of my life. Ive had to deal with anxiety for as long as I can remember.

In first grade I missed the coolest day of the year when a chicken was brought into our

class because I had to leave school early for one of my weekly therapy sessions. Ive

been to four different therapists in my life and even have a scheduled appointment with
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one right now. I started taking Zoloft, an anti-anxiety medication, around sixth grade.

Ive experienced panic attacks in public and have not eaten for days at a time due to

stomach aches caused by my anxiety. Ive also heard the cruel words that come out of

kids mouths at school and have not only seen the effect those words have on other

kids, but have felt that pain myself. I know what it feels like to not want to get out of bed

in the morning -- a feeling different than my daily struggle at 6:10 am! I guess I just

wanted to spread awareness. And learn. Learn how survivors feel. Learn how

friends/family of victims feel. Learn what can be done to stop future suicides.

I not only gained a wealth of knowledge and have since become even more

aware of my words and actions towards others, but I also feel that this project has

helped me with my social skills. I can promise you, freshman year Ella would have

NEVER gone to a Biggby by herself to talk one on one with someone she didnt know

for a school interview. Im pretty sure Ella from six months ago would have tried to

come up with some sort of excuse as to why verbal interview wouldnt have worked out.

But this project forced me to step outside of my comfort zone and have that interaction,

and I am immensely thankful for that, as I know one-on-one communication is a skill I

will find necessary throughout my whole life. All in all, Im so glad I got to put so much

time into a subject that really matters to me. Hopefully this paper will serve a greater

purpose than fulfilling the requirements of an assignment.