ASSIGNMENT #10: MAKING IT RIGHT

Having had the opportunity to invest the better part of the last decade towards exploring and learning about the healing
and spiritual traditions of modern and ancient cultures from around the world, a few things have become very clear. One
of which is that at the heart of the world's great teachings is a remarkably powerful, yet relatively simple set of
instructions—a sort of 'Owners Guide'—which spells out how to renew the health of our minds and emotions.

Examples include practices such as forgiveness, confession (releasing concealments), prayer (intention) and being of
service to others. Through our assignment work thus far, and by participating in the community, we've learned some
things about each one of these practices. Those who've been doing the assignments wholeheartedly have also gained
valuable practical experience in each of these areas. And now, we add another universal principle to our method with this,
Assignment #10: Making it Right.

Making it right allows us to heal and resolve interpersonal conflict that very typically weighs on our hearts and minds,
producing feelings of guilt and remorse. In religious and spiritual teachings this is called atonement ('at-one' or 'one-
ment'). This is also referred to as making amends (mend-ing). It's a return to harmony and unity between people and one's
Source of life.

In the Jewish tradition, the holiest day of the year, Yom Kippur is specifically known as the 'Day of Atonement.' This
holiday follows 10 days after Rosh Hashanah which is celebrated as the time of new beginnings, a new year. During the
days between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur people are encouraged to focus on deeds of charity, repentance (remorse
and change), forgiving others and atonement (apologizing and asking for forgiveness).

I've gained a tremendous appreciation for the value of this tradition and its healing potential. Even from a Western
scientific and psychological perspective, dedicating the first 10 days of a new year to clearing the mind of negative
thoughts and hurtful emotions is a wonderful prescription; in fact, I believe that we should do these things throughout the
year as well.

In the Orthodox Christian tradition, the reconciliation between man and Divinity is made possible by the sacrificial death
and blood of Jesus Christ (taken literally or metaphorically). Atonement between individuals is considered very important
—asking for and granting forgiveness is somewhat of a spiritual duty.

Buddhism has no specific practice of atonement with God (as it doesn't recognize a Supreme Being); however, it does
teach the importance of mending division between people. When there's bitterness between one person and another, it is
thought to lead to the development of negative and harmful emotions by way of their karmic effect.

The 12-step movement considers making amends essential for addiction recovery. It's widely believed that inner conflict
is a causative factor for drug and alcohol abuse. But you don't have to be struggling with a dangerously bad habit to
benefit from this practice. In fact, steps 8 and 9, which deal with amends in the AA model, weren't originally intended for
that application at all. The basis of 12-step work was adapted from the teachings of a Lutheran pastor named Dr. Frank
Buchman. He became popular in Europe and America in the 1920s and 30s and his followers were called collectively, the
'Oxford Group.'

Buchman taught that all change happens within the individual before it manifests outwardly. All people will make errors
and all people can change, Buchman emphasized. The Oxford Group practiced openly and honestly sharing their past
mistakes and troubles with one another and also worked at mending and renewing peace with anyone they had harmed
through their words or actions in the course of their lives.

Modern psychology considers rifts between people, especially when they lead to feelings of guilt and self-reproach, as
issues that can adversely affect mental health. Recent discoveries in neurology (science and study of the brain) show that
there may indeed be positive effects on brain health when we process and let go of hurt feelings through practices like
atonement.

In a recent study published in the Journal of Psychosomatic Medicine, research scientists discovered that those who work
through feelings of guilt by making amends notice a significant increase in the strength of their immune system which
makes them more resistant to infections, colds and numerous diseases. Findings such as these, I predict, will lead to an
overdue paradigm shift in the field of preventive medicine.

Despite atonement's rich history in wisdom teachings throughout the ages, it's an all-but-forgotten and ignored tradition in
today's modern world. But as I see it, with depression, stress and other forms of mental and emotional dis-ease at an all-
time high, especially in America, now is the right time to get back to basics and begin living by these tried-and-true
principles. To do so you don't need to adopt any new beliefs and you don't even have to be religious. This is something
that can help virtually anyone enjoy greater health and happiness.

HOW TO MAKE AMENDS THE RIGHT WAY

What's worked really well for me and what I teach people I'm guiding through the transformation process are the '7 Keys
to Making it Right.' This method can bring about a very deep healing experience for both you and the person who may
have been offended or hurt by your actions.

1) The first key is to identify a specific incident that, upon reflection, you realize might have hurt someone else. Look for
something that you feel significantly remorseful about and wish you wouldn't have done, or would have done differently.

2) Write down your thoughts and feelings about the incident to get them out in the open. Describe what happened and
how it makes you feel when you consider it. How might it have made the other person feel? What can you do to make it
right?

3) Talk it through with someone whom you know supports you unconditionally and cares about your well-being. Share
how you feel about it and how you plan to make it right.

4) When possible and appropriate, contact the person who might have been offended by your words and actions. You can
do this by writing a thoughtful letter or email, making a phone call or meeting with the person face to face.

5) Offer a sincere, heartfelt apology, accept responsibility and admit to any wrongdoings. Also show your remorse and
empathy.

6) The sixth key is offering to do something to make it right. Include specific detail about the changes you'll make so as to
not let it happen again.

7) Forgive yourself. We all make mistakes on our journey through life. By extending a sincere apology and offering to
make it right, you can feel really good about yourself because not a lot of people in today's world are being so considerate.
Take a deep breath and let go of any guilt and self-blame on the exhale. Smile and allow yourself to feel grateful for the
lessons learned.

IT WORKS OFTEN, BUT NOT ALWAYS

Even when we do our best to apologize and make it right, there's no guaranteeing the other person will forgive us. And so
we accept, from the outset, that all we can do is the best we can do and the outcome is beyond our control. As such, we
must not be attached to it.

What I've discovered is that most often people respond very well to sincere apologies and are willing to let it go,
especially if they can feel your true remorse. But every once in a while we're bound to encounter someone who just isn't
ready to give up the grievance. A lot of this has to do with where they are on the path and what they're personally going
through.

This happens sometimes and it does no good to be despondent about it. You can simply mention that your offer of
atonement is open and if at any time in the future they might be so kind as to accept your apology and forgive you, it
would mean a lot.
Occasionally, you might find that when making amends to someone they feel no apology is necessary. Because we all
interpret and respond to the things people do and say in a subjective way, what might seem like it was harmful on our part
doesn't always affect others in an adverse way. I can think of a few occasions where I felt remorseful about something I
did or said but then came to discover the person I felt I might have offended didn't consider it a big deal at all. In cases
like that, I've discovered it still helps to share my feelings about the situation as well as what I learned from it.

Here's something else I want you to keep in mind: We won't always know who might hold a resentment or grudge towards
us. Again, because we all experience the things people do and say somewhat differently, what might have seemed
incidental to us may have offended another. If you can sense that someone may be feeling resentful towards you it can be
helpful to ask the person about it and be open to hearing what they have to say. On the occasion that someone does feel
like they're owed an apology, what I find works is to always be ready and willing to make it right in whatever way is
appropriate.

Action Step:

An incident I've identified from my distant or recent past where, upon reflection, I feel responsible for causing
someone to become hurt or offended can be described as:

A description of my thoughts and feelings about what happened and what the other person might have experienced
goes likes this:

Someone I can talk through this with who supports me unconditionally is:

What I intend to say as a part of my sincere apology is:

The proactive solution I'll offer to help make it right is:

When and how I plan to apologize and offer to make it right is:

Knowing that the process of making amends the right way is only truly complete when we forgive ourselves, I'm
now stating my intention to do so:

You can start with one specific incident you want to clear up and resolve and when you feel like you've got the hang of it
you can take on a few more issues that you'd like to get off your chest and amend. Ultimately what we're looking for is
complete freedom from any unresolved conflicts of the past. And of course, this is a method that we can all continue to
apply in the future so we can properly deal with feelings of guilt and remorse, process them and let them go.

CONCLUSION

Apologizing and admitting we're wrong isn't always an easy thing to do. It is however, a necessary step for us to
experience the full potential of our transformation process.

The ancient healing traditions within religious and spiritual teachings have emphasized the importance of atonement for
millennia. Modern scientific discoveries are also showing that making amends can allow us to let go of negative thoughts
and feelings, which in turn can help us feel better and reduce our risk of disease, depression and even addiction.

By following the method I've shared in this assignment, we can bring about deep, interpersonal healing. This is something
we can take action on now and then revisit throughout our transformation journey. When we do, we'll be helping to heal
and renew another person's well-being as well as our own.