RelatIonshIP

Author/Writer

TUMAHOLESAMUEL
MOELETSANE
Dont lose Hope when theres still Love
 HOWIDEFINE
LOVE
Loveiswhatweallhaveincommon.Andyetitsthemostimpossiblething
todescribe.Morethananything,loveisourintangiblecommondenominator.
Imalogicalperson,apersonwhothinksthingsthrough,andthenover
thinksthem,andthenthinksaboutthemsomemore,andsomemorestill
andyetIdontknowthatIcandefinelove.Andtheclicheaboutlove,of
course,isthatyoullknowitwhenyoureinit,right?
Iusedtothinkithappenedexplosively.Thatlovewassomething
astronomicallypowerfulthatnotonlysweptyouoffyourfeet,butknocked
youdownonyourassandsoakedthroughyourskinandbecamean
overarchingforcethatwasimpossibletoignore.But,whatifthatsnotit?
Whatifloveisquietandsoft?Whatifloveisgradualanddelicate?Whatif
loveisntanexplosion,butisinsteadthiscalmfeelingyougetwhenyou
wakeuponeWednesdaymorningandrealizethattheresnowhereelseyoud
ratherbethannexttothispersonwhosequirksmakeyoulaughuntilyou
cantbreathe?Whatif,morethananything,loveisntwhatalltheromantic
comedieshavemadeusbelieveitis?
Overthepastsixyears,Ivethoughtalotaboutlove.Ivedefinedit,Ive
beeninitandoutofit,IvethoughtIwasinitandthenrealizedthatI
wasnt,Ivewantedit,notwanted,andonandon.
Lately,IthinkIvestoppedtryingtodefineitandhavestartedtobelieve
thatbeinginloveisaboutmorethanjustexplosiveemotion.Andyet,itsalso
aboutmorethanjustfindingsomeonetocoexistwithinthesamespaceatthe
sametime.Loveisaboutfindingsomeonewholightsevenyourtiniestparts
onfire,andeveryonestinypartsaredifferent.Itsaboutfindingsomeone
whomakesyoumoreyou,whowillevensurpriseyoueverynowandthenby
knowingyoubetterthanyouknowyourself.
Forme,itsaboutfindingsomeonewhoisasenthusiasticaboutcheeseplates
asIam,someonewhothinksthatwhenitcomestolaughter,sex,and
alcoholicdrinks,themoreintensethebetter.Love,forme,needstobe
somewhatspontaneous,Ineedsomeonewhowilljustupandtakemeona
cruise.SomeonewhowontteasemebecauseIhavetowashthingsina
specificorderintheshower(shampoo,face,conditioner,body),orwhowont
laugh(toohard)whenImhungoverandcantdoanythingexceptlayonone
sidewithmyeyesclosedandaskrepeatedlyforsomeonetosqueezemyhead.
Andyouknowwhat?Evenafterallthethoughtandtheoverthought,after
allthedefiningandtheredefining,whatIwantfromloveisactuallyquite
simple:Iwantasafeplacetorestmylips.Iwantsomeonewhowillkeepme
inhisheartbecausethatswhereIllbewarmandsafe.Iwantsomeonewho
willlookatmewhenImatmymessiestandkissmeontheforehead,
someonewhothinksImlovelyinthemorning,andatnight,andduringall
theinbetweentimes.Iwantsomeonewhoisntafraidtolive,reallylive,who
identifieswhathewantsfromlifeandthendemandsit,loudlyandwithout
hesitation.
IwantsomeonewhowonttellmethatImhiseverything,becausehehasa
fulllifeofthingsthatdontrevolveentirelyaroundme.Iwantsomeonewho
canhandleme,whocantamemeinaway,simplybyrunninghisfingers
downmyspineandsettlinghishandonmylowerback.Someonewhoknows
howmuchIliketobewhisperedtoandwhoisntscaredoffwhenImcrying.
SomeonewhocansensewhenImoverwhelmed,whojustknowswhenlifeis
toomuchandwhowill,inthosemoments,standcloseenoughtometoblock
everythingelseout.
 FIRSTIMPRESSION,MAKEITCOUNT
Firstimpressionsareimportantinallareasoflifebutnonemoresothan
whenyouremeetingapotentialromanticpartner.Youvebeenmatched
online,readeachothersprofiles,conversedalittle(oralot),andyouveboth
beenbuildingamentalimageoftheotherperson.Whenyoufinallymeetyou
willimmediatelylookforsignsthatthispersonresembles,notonlytheir
photograph,butalsohowyouveimaginedthemtobeinstature,personality
andsoon.
Evenifyouareonlymeetingforaquickcoffeeinthemiddleofaworkday
afternoon,itsimportanttolookyourbest.Payingattentiontothingslike
freshbreath,cleannailsandironedclothesshowyouaresomeonewithself
respect.Smalleffortscanmakeabigdifferencetotheimpressionyou
give.Thisistheadviceusuallygiventopeoplegoingonadatebutwewould
addalittlebeyourbestself.Thismeansbecomingconsciousofyour
posture,yoursmileandyourmindset.Unlikeatajobinterview,youcant
pretendtobesomethingyourenotonadate.Anypretencewillbeexposedif
yougetintoarelationshipbutweallhaveaspectsofourpersonalitiesthat
aremoreattractivethanothers.Turningupinagrumpymoodbecauseyour
bosshascutyourpay,orsulkingbecauseyoursoupiscoldmightbeyoubeing
yourself,butitsnotyourbestself.
Selfabsorptionisnotattractive.Youneedtobeabletoleaveyourtroublesat
thedoorforthedurationofthedateandfocusonthepersoninfrontofyou.
Peoplewhoareattractive,charmingandcharismaticareusuallycomfortable
intheirownskin.Enjoyyourdatescompanyandbeattentivetotheir
thoughts,needsandopinionsratherthanbewrappedupinyourown.
Yurbodylanguagecounts,listen,80%ofcommunicationisnonverbalsoits
worthbeingawareofwhatyourbodylanguageissayingaboutyou.Your
postureandstancearethefirstthingsyourdatewillnotice,theyrevealalot
aboutyourpersonalityandhowyoufeelaboutthedate.Foldedarms,crossed
legsandlookingatthegroundgivetheimpressionthatyouareclosedor
nervous.Makingeyecontact,showingagenuinesmile,keepingshoulders
backandyourarmsandlegsunfoldedwillhelpmakeyoulookwelcoming
ratherthandefensive.Giveahandshakeorkissonthecheek,whichever
seemsappropriate,butdomakesomephysicalcontactonwelcomingyour
date.Ifyouarrivetothevenueofyourdateearlyitcanbetemptingtopull
outyourmobilephoneandgetbusyonitwhileyouwait.Ifyoudohowever,
yourdatesfirstimpressionofyoumaybeofsomeonewhohatesevenafew
minutesalonewithoutsomethingtooccupythem.
Whatyouthinkaboutthisdate,anddatingingeneral,willbeconveyedin
manyconsciousandunconsciousways.Trytoadoptapositiveandopen
attitudeevenifyouhavehadsomebadexperiencesinthepast,itdoesnt
meantthatthisisgoingtobeoneofthem.Itishardtohideanegative
attitude,bitternessorcynicismeventhebrightestfakesmilewontdisguise
them.Theonlywaytoreallyappeartobepositiveaboutthedateis
tobepositiveaboutit.
Imaginewhatagreatfirstimpressionyouwouldmakeifyouapproached
everypersonyoumetwiththeattitudethattheyhadsomethingimportantto
teachyou.Thetruthisthateverydatedoes,evenifitsjustlearningwhat
youdontwantinapartner.

WillRogersoncesaid:
Younevergetasecondchance
tomakeafirstimpression
 WhatIsLove?

Wheneverweask,Whatislove?itsusuallybecausea)wereunsureifa
certainspecialsomeonereallylovesus,orb)becauseacertainspecialsomeone
justaccusedusofnotreallylovingthem.
Whenwearetrulyengagedingivingandreceivinglove,wedontponder
suchphilosophicalquestions.Itsonlywhensomethingislackingthatwe
begintoanalyzeandcontemplatewhatthatthingactuallyis.Forexample,
nobodysitsdowntoafullmealandasks,Whatisapastramisandwich?
So,ifwereevenasking,Whatislove?itprobablymeansthatwedontfeel
completelyloved,orthatsomeonedoesntfeelcompletelylovedbyus.But
sincewereasking,letstrytoanswerthequestion.
AmILoved?Vs.DoILove?
ThetwoscenariosthatusuallycauseustocontemplateWhatislove?give
meaningtothequestion.Eitherwewonder,AmIloved?orweask,DoI
love?
ItiseasiertofirstaddresstheWhatislove?questionintermsofthelove
wefeelcomingtowardus.Ifweunderstandhowtorecognizewhenweare
beingloved,wecanalsolearntorecognizeourloveforanother.
Whenweareloved,wetendtofeelitintuitivelyinourguts.Buthowdoesit
work?Isthereanextrasensoryperceptionintheheartthatisabletoreadthe
feelingsinanotherpersonsheart?
Infact,itsreallynotthatetherealorsupernatural.Onthecontrary,its
prettypracticalanddowntoearth.Ourheartstakecuesfromoursenses.
Everythingwesee,hear,taste,touchorsmellteachesusaboutouruniverse.
Wedontneedtocontemplateoraskquestions.Oursensoryorgansreportto
ourbrains,andourbrainsinterpretthedataandsendthereporttoour
hearts.So,ifweseealovingsmile,hearlovingwords,orfeelalovingtouch,
thebrainprocessesthisinformationandconcludes,Hey,wearebeingloved
rightnow!
Inshort,whenweareloved,thereistangibleproof.Itsnotanabstract
thoughtorfeeling,itsconcreteandevidenced.AsKingSolomonwroteinhis
bookofProverbs(27:19),Aswaterreflectsamansfacebacktohim,soisthe
heartofonemantoanother.Thismeans,whenyouaretreatedwithlove,
yourheartfeelsthatlove.
LoveisanAction,NowwecanaddressthesecondpartoftheWhatislove
quandaryhowtoknowifwelovesomeoneelse?
Theanswerisstraightforward.Whenwebehavelovinglytowardssomeone,it
meanswelovethatperson.
WhenweaskaquestionlikeWhatislove?weassumethatweretryingto
defineanabstractconceptsimilartoWhatisfreedom?orWhatisgood
fortune?Buttruthfully,loveisnotaconcept.Itsanaction.
Toask,Whatislove?islikeasking,Whatisrunning?orWhatis
swimming?Ifyouveeverseensomeonerunorswim,youknowexactlywhat
runningandswimmingentail.TheHebrewwordforlove,Ahavah,revealsthis
truedefinitionoflove,forthewordAhavahisbuiltupontherootconsonants
Ahavah,whichmeanstogive.Inorderforlovetobereallove,ithastobe
expressedasanaction.Ifyouloveyourbeloved,thenyoumustshowit.By
thesametoken,ifyouareloved,thatwillshow,too.Youwillrecognizeitby
thewayyouaretreated.Ananswerofferedbyourtraditionexplainsthatwe
arenotbeingorderedtofeelafeelingintheabstractsense.Rather,the
commandisforustobehavelovingly.Inthislight,Andyoushalllove,
actuallymeans,Youshallperformactsoflove.
Thisisthetruetest:action,deeds,performance.
Feelingscanbedeceptive.Sometimes,whatweperceiveaslovemayinfactbe
anotheremotion.Butactionscannotbemistaken.So,ratherthanask,What
islove?wemustask,DoIperformactsofloveformybeloved?andDoes
mybelovedperformactsofloveforme?
Loveisastrongfeelingthatahuman
beingcannotbedescribedordefineor
explain
 5StepstoTakeBeforeStartingaNew
Relationship

Skipoveralltheselfhelpconfusionthatinstructsyouonhowtomorph
yourselfintoaperfectmatchforMr.(orMs.)Right.IgnoreTheRulesfor
findingaromanticpartner.ForgetyoueverheardtheexpressionHesjust
notthatintoyou.
Thosewhoaresincerelyhappywiththeirromanticchoicesspendmoreenergy
workingontheirownselfdevelopmentthanonappearingacertainwayto
attractlove.Insteadofconcentratingonplayingthegametoenticeapartner,
putyourfocusonthesefiveprinciplesand,overtime,therightmatchforyou
willpresentitself:
1. Knowyourself,sexuallyandemotionally.
Ifyouhavenotdonetheworkofunderstandingyourselfemotionallyand
sexually,youwillenterromanticrelationshipsfromanemotionallydependent
place.Youmayhavetheunrealisticideathatsomeoneelsewillknowhowto
understandyouandmakeyouhappyevenwhenyou,yourself,maynot.
Directlycommunicatingtoyourpartnersaboutyouremotionsandyour
sexualsideisimportant;hopingotherswillintuitivelyperceivewhoyouare
emotionallyandwhatyouneedsexuallyisafantasy.Makeaconsciouseffort
tobecomeawareofyourongoingemotionalreactionstothepeopleandevents
inyourlife.Observeandlabelyouremotionalreactions.Reflectonyour
feelingsandtalkwithpeopleabouthowyoufeelorwhatyouarenoticing
aboutyourself,withoutexpectingthemtoputyoubacktogetheragain.
2. Believewhatpeopleshowandsayabout
themselves.
Itiscommonwhenattractedtosomeonetowanttorationalizetheirpoor
behavior.Ifsomeonetreatsyouwithdisrespectorchronicallyletsyoudown,
takethisasdataaboutwhomheorsheisasaperson.Ifyoutrytotalkwith
someoneandheorshedismissesyouorrationalizesmistreatmentofyou,take
thisseriously;thismaynotbeasuitablematch.Ifamansaysheisnot
lookingforanythingseriousorheneedsalotofspace,lethimgo.This
personisnotinthesameplaceyouareandmaynotwantthesamethingsyou
want.Believewhatpeoplecommunicateaboutthemselves.Iftheyareacting
immaturelyordisrespectfully,orsayingthingsthathurtyou,moveon.Itis
notyourjobtoshowsomeoneabetterway;itisyourjobtoworkongrowing
asaperson.
3. Avoidsextimacy.
AsIdescribeinHavingSex,WantingIntimacy,sextimacyisacycleof
workingtoachieveemotionalintimacythroughhastenedsex.Ifyouare
hopingthatasexualrelationshipwilleventuallyleadtoamoreemotionally
intimateorcommittedrelationship,ceaseanddesist.Relationshipsthatstart
withsexbeforeemotionalintimacyispresenttypicallydonotbecome
committedunions.Youwillspendyourtimehopingandworkingtoget
someonetochangeorstepuptotheplatewhenyoucouldbeputtingyour
energyintogrowingasapersonandfindingsomeonewholikestheperson
youhavebecome.
4. Separatepsychologicallyfromyour
parents.
Thisisnotaneasytaskandmanythinktheyhavedonesowhen,inreality,
theyhavenot.Asanadult,ifyoucontinuetoallowyourparentstomeetall
ofyouremotionalneeds,thenyousiphonoffsomeoftheenergythatneedsto
gointoyourromantic
attachments.Asmuchaspossible,
littlebylittle,worktobe
independentofyourparents.This
doesnotmeanyoucantenjoy
theircompany,spendtimewith
themandsharewhatyouwish
withthemaboutyourlife.Itdoes
meanyouneedtoworktobecome
comfortablemakingyourowndecisions.Excessivelyaskingfortheiropinion,
reassuranceorguidance,orallowingthemtocontrolyourlife,meansyouare
notlivingforyourself.Andifyouallowyourparentstocontinuallydothe
heavyliftingforyou,thenyouwillnotbeawholepersonwhentheright
matchpresentsitself.Enteringintoaromanticrelationshipbelievingthatthe
personisgoingtotakecareofyouinthewayyourparentshavecanturna
healthymatchintoatoxicone.Youhavetobeincontrolofyourownlife,
selfawareofyourgoals,needsandemotions.
5. Putyourselfinnewsituations.
Apopularideaholdsthatinordertofindtherightpartner,onemustfirst
workaloneonselfimprovementIjustneedtodomeforawhile.Inmy
experience,whenwomendothis,theyputthemselvesinarbitraryexile,where
theyfeelsadandoutoftouch.Withsuchavaguegoalofworkingon
myself,enlightenmenteludesandisolationcompoundsthemisery.Workon
yourselfthroughdevelopinggreateremotionalandsexualselfawareness.At
thesametime,youneednewrelationshipswithromanticpartnersandfriends
totrulyknowyourself.Eachdatingexperienceprovidesyouwithinthe
momentinformationaboutyourpreferences,weaknessesandstrengths.If
youcontinuetothinkanddothesamethingsthatyouhavealwaysthought
andexperienced,youwillremainstuck.
Yourbrainhasanextraordinaryabilitytoadaptandgrowifyouallowit.
Forthebraintogrow,youhavetogiveitnewstimulationandnew
experiencesthatchallengeyouonsomelevel.Perhapstherearethingsthat
youlikeorhavewantedtotrybuthavebeenafraidtodoso.Aslongasthey
reflectyourgenuineinterest,workthroughtheanxietyandputyourselfin
novelsituationswhereyoumaymeetdifferentkindsofpeopleandexperience
otheraspectsofyourpersonality.
 10WaystoHavePeaceful,Loving
Relationships
Ivemadeamillionandonemistakesinrelationships.Iveexpectedtoomuch.
OrnotaskedforwhatIneededinfearofrockingtheboat.Ivebeen
competitive.Ivebeensuspicious.Ivebeendependent.Idliketothinkwhat
redeemsmefromallthesemistakesisthatIvealsobeenhonest.
Beingselfaware,inmyopinion,isfarmorevaluablethanbeingperfect
mostlybecausetheformerisattainableandhelpful,whilethelatteris
neither.
Relationshipsarenoteasy.Theymirroreverythingwefeelaboutourselves.
Whenyouvehadabadday,thepeoplearoundyouseemdifficult.When
yourenothappywithyourself,yourrelationshipsseemtobelacking.
Ifyouveevergotteninafightonlytofindyourselfwonderingwhatyou
werereallyupsetabout,thispostmayhelpyou.Ifyouveeverbeen
disappointedbecausesomeonedidntmeetyourexpectations,thispostmay
helpyou,too.Feelwalkedonandunheard?Youguesseditthereslikely
somethinginherethatwillhelpyouchangethat.
Wedontliveinavacuum.Wehavethoughtsandfeelingsthatcanbe
confusing.Otherpeopledotoo.AndjustlikeinthemovieCrash,theydont
alwayscollidesmoothly.
WhenIapplytheseideas,Ifeelconfident,strong,compassionate,and
peacefulinmyinteractions.Ihopetheycandothesameforyou
THEYARETHEFOLLOWINGSTEPS:

1.Dowhatyouneedtodoforyou.
Everyonehaspersonalneeds,whetheritsgoingtothegymafterworkor
takingsomealonetimeonSaturdaymorning.Ifsomeoneasksyoutodo
somethingandyourinstinctistohonoryouownneed,dothat.Imnot
sayingyoucantmakesacrificessometimes,butitsimportanttomakeahabit
oftakingcareofyourself.

Someoneoncetoldmepeoplearelikeglassesof
water.Ifwedontdowhatwehavetodotokeep
ourglassfull,wellneedtotakeitfromsomeone
elsewhichleavesthemhalffull.Fillyourown
glasssoyoucanfeelwholeandcompleteinyour
relationships.
2.Givepeoplethebenefitofthedoubt.
Itstemptingtodoubtpeopletoassumeyourboyfriendmeanttohurt
youbynotinvitingyououtwithhisfriends,oryourfriendmeanttomake
youfeelinadequatebyflauntinghermoney.Peoplewhocareaboutyouwant
youtofeelhappy,evenifsometimestheygettoowrappedupintheirown
problemstoshowitwell.
Sometimestheymaybehurtfulandmeanitletsnotpretendwereall
angels.Butthatwontbethenorm.Itwilllikelybewhentheyrehurting
anddontknowwhattodowithit.Oddsaretheyllfeelbadandapologize
later.Ifyouwanttogetgoodwill,shareitbyseeingthebestinthepeople
youlove.Whenweassumethebest,weofteninspireit.
3.Lookatyourselffortheproblemfirst.
Whenyoufeelunhappywithyourself,itseasytofindsomethingwrongina
relationship.Ifyoublameanotherpersonforwhatyourefeeling,thesolution
isonthem.Butthisisactuallyfaultylogic.Forstarters,itgivesthemallthe
control.Andsecondly,itusuallydoesntsolvetheproblem,sinceyoudidnt
actuallyaddresstherootcause.
Nexttimeyoufeeltheneedtoblamesomeoneforyourfeelingssomething
theydidorshouldhavedoneaskyourselfiftheressomethingelsegoingon.
Youmayfindtheressomethingunderlying:somethingyoudidorshouldhave
doneforyou.Takeresponsibilityfortheproblemandyouhavepowerto
createasolution.
4.Bemindfulofprojecting.
Inpsychology,projectingreferstodenyingyourowntraitsandthenascribing
themtotheoutsideworldorotherpeople.Forexample,ifyourenotaloyal
andtrustingfriend,youmayassumeyourfriendsareallouttogetyou.Itsa
defensemechanismthatallowsyoutoavoidthediscomfortofacknowledging
yourweaknesses.Theresnofasterwaytoputariftinyourrelationships.
Thiscomesbacktodowntoselfawareness,anditshardwork.
Acknowledgingyourflawsisntfun,butifyoudont,youllcontinueseeing
themineveryonearoundyou.Andyoullcontinuetohurt.Nexttimeyousee
somethingnegativeinsomeoneelse,askyourselfifitstrueforyou.Itmight
notbe,butifitis,identifyingitcanhelpcreatepeaceinthatrelationship.
5.Chooseyourbattles.
Everyoneknowssomeonewhomakeseverythingafight.Ifyouquestionthem
aboutsomething,youcanexpectanargument.Ifyoucommentonsomething
theydid,youllprobablygetyelledat.Evenacomplimentcouldcreatea
confrontation.Somepeoplejustliketofightmaybetochannelnegativity
theyrecarryingaroundabouttheworldorthemselves.
Ontheonehand,youhavetotellpeoplewhentheressomethingbothering
you.Thatstheonlywaytoaddressproblems.Ontheotherhand,youdont
havetoleteverythingbotheryou.WhenImnotsureifIneedtobring
somethingup,Iaskmyselfthesefewquestions:
Doesthishappenoftenandleavemefeelingbad?
Doesthisreallymatterinthegrandschemeofthings?
CanIempathizewiththeirfeelingsinsteadofdwellingonmyinsecurity?
6.Confrontcompassionatelyandclearly.
Whenyouattacksomeone,theirnaturalinstinctistogetdefensive,which
getsyounowhere.Youenduphavingaloudconversationwheretwopeople
dotheirbesttoprovetheyrerightandtheotheroneiswrong.Itsrarelythat
blackandwhite.Itsmorelikelyyoubothhavepoints,butyourebothtoo
stubborntomeetinthemiddle.
Ifyouapproachsomeonewithcompassion,youwillopentheirheartand
mind.Showthemyouunderstandwheretheyrecomingfrom,andtheyllbe
willingtoseeyourside.Thatgivesyouachancetoexpressyourselfandyour
expectationsclearly.Andwhenyouletpeopleknowwhatyouneedatthe
righttimeintherightway,theyremorelikelytogivethattoyou.
7.Dontbeafraidtobevulnerable.
Thereareallkindsofwaysyoucanfeelvulnerableinrelationships:When
youexpressyourfeelingsforsomeoneelse.Whenyourehonestaboutyourself
oryourpast.Whenyouadmityoumadeamistake.Wedontalwaysdothese
thingsbecausewewanttomaintainasenseofpower.
Powerallowsusasuperficialsenseofcontrol,whereastrue,vulnerablebeing
allowsusasenseofauthenticity.Thatslove:beingyourtrueselfand
allowingsomeoneelsetodothesamewithoutlettingfearandjudgmenttear
itdown.ItslikeJimiHendrixsaid,Whenthepowerofloveovercomesthe
loveofpowertheworldwillknowpeace.
8.Thinkbeforeactingonemotion.
Thisoneisthehardestforme.AssoonasIfeelhurt,frustrated,orangry,I
wanttodosomethingwithitwhichisalwaysabadidea.Iverealizedmy
initialemotionalreactiondoesnotalwaysreflecthowIreallyfeelabout
something.Initially,Imightfeelscaredorangry,butonceIcalmdownand
thinkthingsthrough,IoftenrealizeIoverreacted.
Whenyoufeelastrongemotion,trytosititforawhile.Dontuseitorrun
fromitjustfeelit.Whenyoulearntoobserveyourfeelingsbeforeactingon
them,youminimizethenegativityyoucreateintwoways:youprocess,
analyze,anddealwithfeelingsbeforeputtingthemonsomeoneelse;andyou
communicateinawaythatinspiresthemtostayopeninsteadofshutting
down.
9.Maintainboundaries.
Whenpeoplegetclose,boundariescangetfuzzy.Inarelationshipwithout
boundaries,youlettheotherpersonmanipulateyouintodoingthingsyou
dontwanttodo.Youactoutofguiltinsteadofhonoringyourneeds.Youlet
someoneoffendyouwithouttellingthemhowyoufeelaboutit.Thebestway
toensurepeopletreatyouhowyouwanttobetreatedistoteachthem.
Thatmeansyouhavetoloveandrespectyourselfenoughtodothat:to
acknowledgewhatyouneed,andspeakup.Theonlywaytotrulyhave
loving,peacefulrelationshipsistostartwithaloving,peacefulrelationship
withyourself.
10.Enjoytheircompanymorethantheirapproval.
Whenyoudesperatelyneedsomeonesapproval,yourrelationshipbecomesall
aboutwhattheydoforyouhowoftentheystrokeyourego,howwellthey
bringyouupwhenyoufeeldown,howwelltheymitigateyournegative
feelings.Thisisdrainingforanotherperson,anditcreates
anunbalancedrelationship.
Ifyounoticeyourselfdwellingonpleasingsomeoneelseorgettingtheir
approval,realizeyourecreatingthatneed.(Unlessyoureinanabusive
relationship,inwhichcaseIhighlyrecommendgettinghelp.)Insteadof
focusingonwhatyoucangetfromthatperson,focusonenjoyingyourselves
together.Oftentimesthebestthingyoucandoforyourselfandsomeoneelse
isletgoandgiveyourselfpermissiontosmile.
Whatdoyoudotocreatepeaceful,lovingrelationships?
 8SignsYoureInLustAndNotInLove
1.Theresmorefireandlessstability
Loverealloveisaboutcommitmentandcommunication.Thesetwo
importantcomponentsleadtostabilitywithinarelationship.Ofcourse,fire
canbepartoftheequation,butwhenthereslotsofdrama,chaosandmore
emotionalgutblowsthanbutterflies,yourelookingatjustasituation.
2.Youfocusmoreontheoutsidethaninside
Icouldstareatmyfriendforhours.Iwasso
enamoredwithherbeauty.Tome,shewas
gorgeousfromheadtotoewithoutasingle
flawtobefound.Iwasobsessedwithher
beauty,andrelishedinthefactthatIgottobe
seeninpublicwithherandgottotapthat
attheendofthenight.
3.Youpreferthefantasy
Fromthebeginning,IknewmyfriendandIdidnthaveafuture.Wewere
fartoosimilartohavebeenabletoconductagrownuprelationship,andhe
wasnevergoingtowantmethewayIwantedher.Withher,Iactedyounger
thanIwasforfarlongerthanIshouldhavethedrinking,actingout,
immaturityandirresponsibilitywerequadrupledwhenweweretogether.I
didntwantagrownuplifewithhim;Ilovedthedaysonendof
debaucherythatallowedmetoescapefromreality.
4.Whyarentwehavingsexrightnow?
AlthoughIlovedtalkingtoher,becausewedidhavesomuchincommon,
wheneverweweretogetherjusthangingaroundorwatchingamovie,Id
alwayscatchmyselfwondering,Whyarentwehavingsexrightnow?Im
serious.Icouldntgiveadamnabouttheendingtowhatevermoviewason,
ifitmeantwewerehavingsexinstead.
5.Yourenotfriends
MyfriendandIwerenotrealfriends.Foralongtimewecalledeachother
bestfriends,butthetruthwasIwasinlust,andshewasjustwaitingfor
somethingelse,something,touseherwords,better.Despiteknowingthat,
thelustkeptmecomingbackformore.
6.Intimacydoesntexist
Althoughcuddlingcanbereallysatisfyingandcomfortingwhenyou'rein
love,whenyoureinlustabodyagainstyoujustfeelslikedeadweight.
Yourealsolikelytoaskyourselfagain,Whyarentwehavingsexright
now?
7.Youexperienceintenseneediness
IfIdidntgettheattentionIneededfromheronadailybasis,Ifeltlikemy
worldwasfallingapart.Wasshetextingwithsomeoneelseinstead?Wasshe
nothome,asshesaid,butoutwithsomeoneelse?Havingsexwithsomeone
else?Whyisntsheansweringmycalls?Itwasexhausting,tosaytheleast.
8.Thefeelingisconditional
Anyonewhosbeeninlovecanattesttothefactthatloveisunconditional.
Lust,however,isnot.Lustissteepedingratificationwithoutconcernto
anythingelse.Icouldeasilysleepwithsomeoneotherthanmyfriendandnot
feelatwingeofregret,butifIweretodothesametothewomanIlove,Id
neverforgivemyself.Lusthasblurredboundariesastowhatsright;love
kicksthoseblurredlinesintoplace.

WhatIsRomance?
Romanceisanebulousthingwiththecuriouspropertyofbeingdescribable
butnotdefinable.Wewon'tmuckwithyourheadandtrytosuggestthere's
anultimatedefinitivedefinitionoutthere.Somepeoplewilltrytodojust
thatandcomeupwithsometidylittledefinition,like,"Romanceisshowing
youcare."Sure,itsoundsgoodatfirst,butalthoughdrapingyourcoatovera
puddleandaskingifsherememberedtobrushherteeththatmorningmaybe
actionstriggeredbythissamemotivation,theyratedistinctlydifferentlyon
theromancescale.
Althoughit'snotsomuchadefinition,asitisnomoreprecisethantheword
"romance"itself,onewaytodescriberomancesuccinctlyis"whatwomen
wantoutofarelationship."Inotherwords,menaren'tromantic,andif
you'reaman,that'swhyyouneedthisguide.Ifyou'reawoman,ofcourse,
youwerebornwithaninnateknowledgeofthisstuffandneednotread
further.
Butthoughromancemaynotbedefinable,therearestillsomehardfastrules.
Below,wehavedocumentedmanyoftheatomicelementsofromance.Mix
theseingredientsup,andyou'vegotit.

IntrinsicRomance

Somethingsareinherentlyromantic,likehearts.Thisisveryuseful,because
youcanpilethingsupontheobjectofyouraffectionsandwinromancepoints
withoutexpendinganyadditionaleffortorthought.Thetrickistofigureout
whatisromanticandwhatisnot.Thereisabasicruleofthumbtofollow:if
it'scool,it'snotromantic.Forexample,highpoweredriflesarenotromantic.
Sciencefictionisnotromantic.DVDplayersarenotromanticunlessthey're
playingSleeplessInSeattle.
Butawholetonofthingsareintrinsicallyromantic,andyoushouldusethem
toyouradvantage.

CuteThings
Teddybearsareromantic.Puppiesareromantic.Cherubicbabyarchers
areromantic.Thosephotographswheretwolittlekidsexhibitan
unnaturalaffectionforeachotherandonlytherosesareincolorare
romantic.
Takingadvantageoftheintrinsicromanceincutethingsobviously
dependsuponrecognizingwhichthingsarecute.Theruleissimple.
Smallthingsarecute.Ifyouseeafoodproductinagrocerystorethat
comesinasmallerpackagethanusual,getit,becausethere'saverygood
chanceit'scute.Thesamegoesfortravelsizeshampoo,toothpaste,and
soon.Findastorethatsellsdollhousestuff,andyoursupplyofcute
thingscanbelimitless.

LowLight
Candlesareromantic.Sunrisesandsunsetsareromantic.Anykindof
lowlight,yousee,isromantic,hencewhydinnerdatesafterdarkare
moreromanticthanlunchdatesatnoon.Combinelowlightsources,and
itstandstoreasonthattheairofromancewillbesothick,yourbeloved
willbeblindtoanythingelsebuttheradianceofhershimmeringknight
inarmor.Openthecurtainsonasunsetandlightsomecandles,andyou
mightevenbeabletogetawaywithwatchingafootballgameduring
dinner.

Red
Redisromantic,becauseredisthecolorofloveandpassion.Consider
roses.Redrosesmean,"Iloveyou."Yellowrosesmean,"Let'sjustbe
friends,"whichissynonymouswith,"Youareirritating,andIhateyou."
Soyoudonotwanttobewrong.Getherredroses,redribbons,red
balloons,redteddybears,redpuppies,andredticketstotheWorld
Series,andshe'llfallhopelesslyunderyourspell.

Back groundMusic
Backgroundmusicisromantic,andnotetheword"background,"
becausenotjustanymusicisromantic.Formusictoberomantic,it
mustbetoosofttohear.Also,itmaynotbelivelyorfunnyorgood.
Elevatormusicisthemostromanticgenreofmusicoutthere.
 Chocolates
Chocolatesarenotonlyromantic,they'recomplimentary.Whenyougive
aboxofchocolatestoyourbeloved,itsays,"Youcouldpigoutonthis
tuboflardandbloatouttothreetons,butyou'dstillbetheappleofmy
eye."Itdoesn'tmatterifit'strueit'sthemessagethatcounts.Butthe
realreasontogiveyourlovedonechocolatesisbecauseanylovedone
worthhersaltwillturnrightaroundandofferyousome.It'sawin
winnomatterhowyoulookatit.Buyheraredoneshapedlikeaheart,
andyou'reinlikeFlynn.

FancyCurlyThings
Flairandflourishesareromantic.Wheneveryougetheragreetingcard,
getoneoftheoneswithallthecurlypinkscribblesonit.Whenyou
writeherletters,makethetailsofthe'g'sand'y'sreallylongandthe
loopsinthe'd'sand'b'sand'p'sreallybig.That'swayromantic.Notice
howromanticthetitlebanneratthetopofthispageis?The'R'is
particularlyromantic,becauseit'sred.

TheMostIntrinsicallyRomanticThing
Ever
Basedonthedataabove,thesinglemostromanticthingintheuniverse
canbecalculatedscientifically.Itis,simply,asmallredcandlemade
outofchocolateandshapedlikeateddybearholdingaheartwith
scribblesalloveritthatplaysatunewhenyouwinditup.Tossherone
oftheseatsunsetonyourwaytoafratparty,andyou'llbeabletostay
outallnightandstillstrengthenyourrelationship.
 1. Impracticality
Practicalthingsarenotromantic.Whydoyouthinkblendersandtoaster
ovensaresonotoriouslyunromantic?Becausetheyhaveanalternativeuse,
ofcourse.Butgetherapoofythingthatsitsonherdresserbehindherjewelry
box,nevertobetouchedormovedagain,andshe'llmeltinyourarms.
1. PersonalStuff
Romanceispersonal.Toberomantic,youmustbepersonalanddopersonal
kindofthings.It'ssortofromantictobuyamooshygreetingcardforyour
lovedone,buttobereallyromantic,youshouldsignit.Asfarasbirthday
presentsandsoforthgo,youcanmakethegiftpersonalbycarefully
consideringyourbeloved'sinterestsandchoosingagiftuniquelysuitedtoher
personality.flowersalwaysworks.
1. YourTime
Oneoftherequiredingredientsofromanceisyourtime.Nope,there'snoway
outofit.
1. Blindness
Animportantpartofromanceisselectiveblindness.Youmustnot
acknowledgeanythingaboutyourbelovedthatcouldpossiblybeconstruedas
afault.Ifanightmaresuddenlywokeherupfromatwentyminutenapafter
fourstraightdaysofnotsleepingatall,don'tevensayshelooks"tired."If
"radiant"isn'ttheleastofyourcommentsaboutherappearance,you'resunk.
Ifshe'srudetosomeonewithoutcause,prattleonabouthowmuchnerve
thatotherpersonhadforbeingsuchabigfatjerk.Ifshespilledpizzasauce
onherchin,don'tsayaword,norgiveanyotherindicationthather
complexionisamiss.Paradoxically,ifshegetshome,looksinthemirror,and
findsitstillthere,she'llhateyoufornottellingher,soyou'dbetterfinda
surreptitiouswayofremovingitwithoutherevernoticingandafterward,
keepthatstrayglobuleofpizzasauceyourbestkeptsecrettothedayyoudie.
1. RememberingBirthdaysandAnniversaries
Rememberingyourbeloved'sbirthdayandyouranniversaryisn'tsomuch
romanticasitisastayofexecution,forsurelyyou'llforgetsomeday,and
whenyoudo,you'llfindouthownotromanticcoldshouldersandtearsare.
YoursafestbetistofindsomeonewhosebirthdayisonChristmas,thenmarry
heronNewYear'sDay,becausenobodyforgetsthosedays.
1. PetNames
Toberomantic,youhavetocalleachothernamescarefullycraftedtomake
yourselfandeveryonearoundyouthrowup.Thisromancetechniquedoubles
asapassionmeterwaymoreaccuratethanthosequartereatingmachinesin
arcades;ifyouusethesepetnamesanddon'tthrowup,you'regenuinelyin
love.
Here'showtoconstructyourownpetname.Mixupthesyllables"pook,"
"wee,""hon,""oop,"and"ums,"(neverusethesyllables"skuzz"or"elch"),rhyme
alot,andmakeliberalreferencestobakedgoods.Forexample,(WARNING!
WARNING!TURNYOURFACEAWAYFROMTHECOMPUTER!),
"SweetiePumpkinPookums"isaperfectlyacceptableandeffectivepetname,
asare"MoopsieCutie,""HunnyWunnyCakes,"and,fortheextravagant,
"SnookieWookumWeetieBunnyPie."(Itmayseemoddtonovicesthat
cookedrodentswouldberomantic,buttheyare.)Forbestresults,speakthese
petnameswithabigdumbgrin,anadmiringgaze,andahighpitchedsqueal,
andfollowitupwithanexaggeratedsighofdreamycontentment.Themost
importantthingtorememberaboutthisisnevereverdothisinfrontofme.
 TUMAHOLESAMUELMOELETSANE

SAMUELTUMAHOLEMOELETSANE
Nickname:'TUMIE'
KLERKSDORPORKNEYBASED
TALENTEDBUSINESSMAN

Currentlyresidesin:FreeState,
SouthAfrica
Born3010
1992inFicksburgSouthAfrica
SPECIALTY/EXPERTISE
GENERALOFFPRACTISEA+
(BOSTONBUSINESSCOLLEGE),
AMUSICIAN
BUSINESSMOGUL
MOTIVATIONALSPEAKER.
WRITER.

IDEDICATETHISWHOLEBOOKTO
KHOMOTSOLUCYGWAJI(MYDUAGHTER)&
KHOBOSOLUCYMOELETSANE(MYMOTHER)