What Is Guilt? What is Shame?

Guilt is a feeling that everyone is familiar with. It can be described as "a bothered
conscience" or "a feeling of culpability for offenses." We feel guilty when we feel
responsible for an action that we regret. There are several types of guilt. People can
feel ashamed, unworthy, or embarrassed about actions for which they are responsible.
In this case, we refer to true guilt -- or guilt that is appropriate. However, true guilt is only
one form of guilt. People can also feel guilty about events for which they are not
responsible. This false guilt can be equally destructive, if not more so. Feeling guilty for
events which are out of our control is often unproductive and detrimental.

Although shame is an emotion that is closely related to guilt, it is important to

understand the differences. Shame can be defined as "a painful emotion caused by
consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety." Others have distinguished between
the two by indicating that "We feel guilty for what we do. We feel shame for what
we are." Shame is often a much stronger and more profound emotion than guilt.
"Shame is when we feel disappointed about something inside of us, our basic nature."
Both shame and guilt can have intensive implications for our perceptions of self and our
behavior toward other people, particularly in situations of conflict.

"Shame is the most disturbing experience individuals ever have about themselves; no
other emotion feels more deeply disturbing because in the moment of shame the self
feels wounded from within."

Misinformation about shame

When I talk about shame, I'm not talking about anyone actually DOING anything wrong.
I'm talking about the FEELING and the thoughts that we are somehow wrong, defective,
inadequate, not good enough, or not strong enough.

Reactions to Shame

Shame, on the other hand, emphasizes what is wrong with ourselves. It has a much
more inward focus, and as such, leads shameful parties to feel poorly about
themselves, rather than simply the actions they have taken. The result is often an
inward-turning behavior -- avoiding others, hiding your face, removing yourself from
social situations. Therefore, shame can be problematic, as it is often less constructive
than guilt. In fact, shame can lead to withdrawal from social situations and a subsequent
defensive, aggressive, and retaliatory behavior, which only exacerbates conflict, rather
than alleviating it.

Shame can also lead to other types of behavior, many of which serve little or no
constructive role. People cope with shame in many ways. However, few get at the
actual source of the emotion. The following is a list of common shame-driven behaviors:

Attacking or striking out at other people. While this behavior may produce short-
term relief from shame, in the long term shame is only strengthened -- in both
parties -- and nothing is done to get at the root of the problem.
Seeking power and perfection. Others attempt to overcome their shame by
preventing the possibility of future shame. One way in which they do this is by
aiming for perfection -- a process that inevitably fails and causes more problems.
Another manner in which people cope is by seeking power, which makes them
feel more valuable.
Being overly nice or self-sacrificing. People sometimes compensate for feelings
of shame or unworthiness by attempting to be exceptionally nice to others. By
pleasing everyone else, we hope to prove our worth. However, this inevitably
involves covering up our true feelings, which is, once again, self-defeating.
Withdrawal. By withdrawing from the real world, we can essentially numb
ourselves to the feelings of guilt and shame so that we are no longer upset by
these sorts of things. Again, nothing has been done to address the core issues of
the problem.

While each of these actions may provide temporary relief, the long term effects are
often negative.
How Does Shame Color Your World?

A child is assaulted by a parent; the other parent looks away, dismisses the assault or
explains it away, minimizes the hurt, or simply doesn't see. [1] What happens
psychologically? The assault needs to be addressed in the short term, whether it is
physical, psychological, or both. However, the way the event is witnessed by the other
parent (or community, teacher, relative, etc.) will have a longer-term impact. When this
child becomes an adult, they may never seek help, never talk about being abused, or
take any effort to heal their injury for one simple reason -- they have internalized the
viewpoint of the parent who witnessed the event and now they too dismiss, minimize, or
deny its occurrence. While the initial assault, like any wound, requires address and
redress, the insufficient witnessing wraps the wound in shame, like a bacterial laden
bandage, infecting the person's beliefs, convincing them that their pain and suffering is
a result of their own inadequacy.

As the child grows older they may experience a myriad of difficult feelings and patterns
of behavior -- hurt, fear, insecurity, self-hatred, boundary confusion, cyclic patterns of
difficult relationships, substance abuse, and more, but they never get to the root of the
problem. They never make a genuine and loving inquiry into the reasons for their
suffering. Instead, they ask, "What's wrong with me?" concluding that the feelings and
patterns of behavior they suffer from exist because something is wrong with them not
because something happened to them. This is the essence of shame. In a way, they
"blame the victim" -- themselves. Further, they now witness their current life from the
same internalized viewpoint, dismissing and minimizing disrespect and ill treatment,
denying their hurts, looking for fixes and answers, and feeling a profound sense of
wrongness in their being.

For example, they are likely to think they get hurt because of their weakness rather than
because someone else bullied them, that they fail because they are stupid or
undisciplined rather than because they have poor teachers or inadequate support, or
that they are treated coldly because they are doing something wrong rather than
because their friends, partners, or parents are jealous, get into moods, or simply lack
the capacity to care for another.
Shame has been called the "master emotion" because so much of our experience is
filtered through this lens. In addition, it warps and confounds our understanding of
ourselves and others in a way that makes sustainable resolutions extremely difficult if
not impossible. It leads us to a never-ending cycle of trying to fix ourselves, dismissing
our hurts and pains, and essentially living the question: "What's wrong with me?"