Dispelling the Rumors

By Mark McFadden, (c) 2000

In a message dated 4/16/00 1:29:31 PM Pacific Daylight Time, john.thomas.flaybum@britnet.com writes:

<< Well, research boffins in the UK recently proved that hands-free headsets are actually worse for you.
Apparently they treat your whole body to a toasty microwaving, not just your brainpan.

At least, thats todays update on the Cellphone Cancer Scare Story >>

When will these unfounded, highly suspect and dismissably ridiculous allegations and urban legends
cease? I wear a Geargoyle(tm) HandsFree Liberator headset and phone accessory in several designer
colors and styles available at all the finer stores, and I have never experienced anything like you are
stating in a public forum except the usual everyday little insignificant negligible atmospheric static
discharges (or shocks as you insist on calling them) that we have *all* been experiencing ever since El
Nino, which authorities in reports have clearly stated as a fact were caused by normal volcanic activity.
Youve all seen the news reports, why do you insist in a public forum that this is the result of some evil
conspiracy? Really, it all sounds like some *Oliver Stone movie* or something *Art Bell* or other paranoid
delusionals would say. You dont want to be like them, do you?
I suppose you are referring to the findings of that research that was paid for by those Lesbian Mothers
Against Technology or whoever it was. Well, they can hardly be considered objective, can they? And Im
sure you can imagine as well as I can what their motives are. Because we all know what they are like.
Really, the owners of this forum should seriously consider making a public statement of their sincere
beliefs regarding this silly flap over these urban myths. The entire thread is of course evidence in any
*possible* litigation at any time in the future and must be archived without tampering. If we have any
arguable reason to believe that this storage in perpetuem is not being performed, we will of course have
to have the court seize all of the pertinent communications and continue to do so throughout the
proceedings for however long whatever we decide we might want to do might take. Incidentally, you pay
for the storage. Thats the law.
We can, of course, be persuaded to desist from these regrettable but inevitable actions given the proper
enticement and a sincere public display of submission and fealty.
And since it is so essential that the identities of the libellers be separated from the innocent bystanders,
the lurkers, we will of course need continual access to your address lists. Im sure the majority of the list
members would agree to that.

Freddy Pesci
Telecommunications Consultant
thats.a.moray@thenetwork.org

Geargoyle Design
A division of Universal Communications
A proud member of Whole Earth Enterprises

Building tomorrow, with your help.

************ DISCLAIMER ***********

The opinions expressed in the above message are in no way to be interpreted as the opinions or policies
of Geargoyle Design. The opinions expressed in the above message are in no way to be interpreted as the
opinions or policies of Universal Communications. The opinions expressed in the above message are in no
way to be interpreted as the opinions or policies of Whole Earth Enterprises or any subsidiary of Whole
Earth Enterprises. Symptoms include nausea, diarrhea, sleeplessness, depression and these really
pounding headaches like I havent had since college. This offer not good in New Mexico, Mississippi,
Minnesotta, Massachusetts, Missouri, Michigan, Manitoba, Mu, or Mars. Tennessee Williams called it the
click in Cat On A Hot Tin Roof. Paul Newman said he drinks until it clicks and everything gets all right.
Information isnt like that. It doesnt need a fillup, it grows on its own and makes connections and then
click it comes to you on the freeway that you hate them, you fucking hate them and you want to hurt
them and you dont want to settle for a bitch-slapping, you want to have your foot on their throats forever
so you can scream at them that thats what its like how do you like it tough shit lick my shoe and Ill think
about it, any time you want. I didnt always feel like that. I love information but I really value privacy. I was
born to do this. I didnt peek, I wasnt tempted. Or maybe I was. I sort of always knew it was an either/or
sort of thing. Click. It was easy at first, it was a given that your mail was private. Then it wasnt. Then it
belonged to the company. And then it started. The requests for access, the demands for access finally
demanding that I enable them to cover their tracks. Ghost post offices with parallel deliveries to
mailboxes with no passwords. I told them to put passwords on them and keep them secret in Legal or HR
or something but what did I expect? HR was a consultant hoteling in the bullpen and Legal was the usual
profile. Twisting my arm two weeks later to remove password protection because they got tired of
forgetting the word password. But I stayed out even when the constantly rotating chair fillers had carte
blanche. I refused to look, I refused to be part of the problem. I do that in traffic, too. Those constant
looky-loo jams so both sides of the freeway slow to a spastic conga line? I wont look, I refuse to be part of
the problem. Why would I want to look for blood anyhow? Ill never understand it. I just gun it and get out
of there, looking straight ahead. They might be dead or something, give them a little privacy. But they
made me look. Motherfuckers you wouldnt do the most simple housekeeping and you made me look you
fuckers and you cant take shit like that back you cant hit reset and I am going to love every nanosecond
I have you by your pathetic balls. And I dont want to know any more about your hearts and minds. I know
so much right now I have to spit in the wastebasket throughout the day to get the taste out of mouth. So
simple, so obviously necessary. Mail was slowing down because attachments were getting too big. So I put
limits on the gateways. Id trap stuff too big and send a canned warning, told them to chop it into smaller
bits. Incoming, too. So they tell me that business stuff has to get through so could I sort out the frivolous
stuff and send the business stuff on its way and they really were behind me 100%. So I have to check
content and Im looking to get out of there. This rat can find more interesting mazes that offer tastier
cheese. And there it was. You couldnt tell from the Subject. I had to look. It seemed to be talking business
and money, I saw figures and balances but I didnt read them. So I looked at the attachment just to be
sure and Ill never get that out of my head. That eye, what was that, hydrostatic effect? Over 25 megs of
that stuff. You fuckers Im going to make this a work of art. Ive got the strength of ten because those
were kids you fuckers. Sending him down to head the Mexican branch didnt fool me for a nanosecond. No
jury in the world would convict me but it wont ever get that far. TLC but CYA, thats the Consultants
Code. Thats the problem with this world, no code to live by. But Ill tell you what Ive got. Everything. You
gave it to me. You cheap motherfuckers you understaffed MIS and duties overlapped. So did access. You
wanted instant gratification and you gave me the keys to give it to you. Even if you change platforms you
wont change the passwords to the sessions that go through those firewalls, too much hassle. You told me.
You made me turn off the password schedule. Im all over you, I work for you, even if payroll knows Im
dead they forgot to tell anyone else. Ill tell you what I want when I want it. If you want to talk terms, sent
a note to yourself, Ill get it eventually. I know Im not the only one who has seen this shit. The guy who
showed me this trick said this stuff never gets read, it just gets upgraded to the latest version. He said
this will be sent out with every message from these parasites until the next millenium. He said that if he
got fired for these stunts hed explain it was all a joke and a satire of modern communications and he was
a performance artist and gadfly and clean up on the lecture circuit. Or something. He didnt want to be
part of the problem anymore. Hes the one who mentioned the click. He said sometimes its like throwing
a switch. Click. Youre sane. Now Im part of the solution, I think.