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critical approach
to pansexualism
My daughter is lying next to me. I kiss her forehead and breathe her scent, she smells of my
milk. She licks my nipple several times, gently swirling her tongue around it and stroking my
other breast with her hand. Im moving her closer to me, feeling the warmth of her body.
When my breasts fills with milk, she sucks my entire nipple into her mouth, latches on
tightly, and starts sucking it. I feel the rhythmic orgasmic vibrations spreading over my entire
body. I dissolve in tenderness and affection for her, smiling and whispering in her ear I love
you. She looks happy and satisfied, I cover her with the comforter and she falls asleep in
my arms.
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Although undoubtedly sensual sensual, this act of lovemaking with my daughter is
asexual. To that psychoanalysis would object claiming that the denial of this acts sexual
nature, proves that it is sexual, since the mind of a civilized human works in such a way
that it represses the awareness of sexual nature of his or her actions. My rejection of
the pansexual perspective only affirms its pansexuality. It looks like there is no way out
and tomorrow's nonsense (as quoted in Banton 1975, 58-59). The same can be said of
pansexualism. Foucault was the one to question it by defying its role for determining
who we really are (1980). Sex has become so fundamental that we are unable to
central statements: [i]t is up to sex to tell us our truth, since sex is what holds it in
darkness (1980, 77). Because we are first seen as sexual beings, we are now socially
pressured privately to believe and publicly to proclaim our social identities as a defining
truth of who we are (Katz 2007). Even those who are defined as asexuals, still have to
psychoanalysis has turned sex into a pivotal explanatory device: everything is explained
in terms of repressed or deviated desire. Accordingly, the psychoanalyst is the one who
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takes over the role of priest, being the sole interpreter of our genuine inner life (Foucault
1980).
Freud based his theory on the initial hypothesis that the distinctive and defining property
the existence of human culture, which appeared because sexual instinct was
the sexual instinct [] is probably more strongly developed in man than in most
of the higher animals; it is certainly more constant, since it has almost entirely
large amount of force at the disposal of civilized activity, and it does this in
virtue of its especially marked characteristic of being able to displace its aim
originally sexual aim for another one, which is no longer sexual but which is
psychically related to the first aim, is called the capacity for sublimation. (quoted
The prevalent notion of the self, which, as Foucault showed, reduces our essence to
sexuality, still implicitly affirms Freuds hypothesis. Being declared as the hidden
ultimate truth of who we are, sexual drive is also seen as the very materiality that
underlies human attachment: sexual drive is not only who we are but what brings us
together.
3
Accordingly, todays conventional concept of love is centered around sexuality. It
implies that the secret essence of intimate relationships is sexual desire. In particular,
the most material expressions of love kissing, licking, and tender touching are
According to common intuition, the adult romantic bond is formed for sex, and sexual
desire is seen as the main indicator of love as well as its main drive. Consequently, the
From the standpoint of pansexualism, not only the longing of adults for each other, but
also the attachment of a caregiver and a child are seen as sexual in their nature. For
this reason, todays media is obsessed with sexual abuse of children (Traina 2011).
tenderness, even tenderness towards a child, there is always a hidden sexual desire
caress that exact danger that may have manifested itself as an uneasy feeling while
Many theorists say that we should fully embrace the sexual nature of maternal feelings
(Winnicott 1987, Marin 1994, Prager 1995, Crawford 2006, Kinser 2008). Julia Kristeva
contends that [t]o love and to think the maternal as erotic, wouldnt that be as
maternal eroticism and claims that it should be recognized as a foundation for new
ethics. But what if pansexualists got it completely wrong and the uneasiness this topic
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exerts is caused not by our moralistic intention to repress the true sexual nature of
manifestations of love are not necessarily sexual as they are universally interpreted
The same doubts may be raised regarding sensual contact of adult lovers. Following
Freuds proclaimation that the assertion of the asexual nature of adult romantic longing
were naive and moralistic, we do our best not to look foolish. But what if Freud himself
was naive in his reduction of human love to sexual instinct and implicitly promoted
human love, reducing it to a merely sexual experience. I, therefore, opt for an alternative
Yesterday's Science
Although Freuds theory comes to mind first, when the primacy of the sexual drive in
kind of thinking. He rather inherited the scientific spirit of his time, [n]othing is more
remote from the truth than the usual assumption that Freud was the first to introduce
novel sexual theories (Ellenberger 1970, 545), for this reason his pansexualism hardly
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shocked anyone (Johnston 1972, 249). Moreover, the roots of the pansexual
In his essay Group Psychology And The Analysis Of The Ego (1955), Freud proclaims
that sexual instinct is fundamental for all types of love. He also highlights that his
thinking arises from Plato and his notion of Eros that coincides exactly with the
love-force, the libido of psychoanalysis [...] (91). In Freud, libido is the nucleus of the
theoretical scope of love that consists in sexual love with sexual union as its aim (90).
Freud claims that his concept of loving includes self-love, friendship, love for humanity
in general, and what is most important for our consideration here, love for parents and
children. Respectively, all of them are understood as expression of the same instinctual
impulses (90).
Freud was right in crediting Plato as his forerunner. C. D. C. Reeve (2016) observes
that what was later believed to be the core of Freudian thinking, appears already in the
theory of love by Diotima in Platos Symposium. The ladder of love presented in this
work defines [erotic] intensity for only one body (210 a-b) as the basic form of love and
a source material for a subsequent sublimation, resulting into more elevated kinds of
love which are responsible for higher manifestations of human culture, such as science
and philosophy (210 d). Sublimation is therefore not a Freudian invention, nor is the
sexual desires.
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In discussing the accusation of pansexualism that was levelled against psychoanalysis,
Freud explicitly refers to Plato and to Schopenhauer (his Preface to the fourth edition
of his Three Essays on the Theory of Sexuality) to present the pansexual thinking as
People have gone so far in their search for high-sounding catchwords as to talk
mankind the extent to which their activities are determined by sexual impulses -
in the ordinary sense of the word. It should surely have been impossible for a
completely from their minds. And as for the stretching of the concept of
sexuality which has been necessitated by the analysis of children and what are
called perverts, anyone who looks down with contempt upon psychoanalysis
sexuality of psycho-analysis coincides with the Eros of the divine Plato. (1953,
134)
Indeed, nearly a century before Freud, Schopenhauer already asserted a view on love
understood as the strongest and most active of all human motives, as a masked sexual
desire. In his own words, [e]very kind of love, however ethereal it may seem to be,
springs entirely from the instinct of sex (2010, 227). Accordingly, already for
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Schopenhauer, not in a lesser extent than later for Freud, "Man is incarnate sexual
Although Freud is not the one who, as it is often assumed, introduced the pansexual
sexuality to a child, claiming that human beings are driven by a sexual instinct from
birth. However, this innovation can be seen as a logical expansion of the perspective
instinct as well as in Schopenhauer's account of love that implies loves sexual nature: if
all kinds of love are sexual, then caregiver-child love should be no exception.
In Freud, the childs sexuality is not yet self-contained; it is a preparatory stage to the
normal sexuality of an adult. This understanding has been inscribed into his model of
perversions as deviations from this model (Katz 2007). Accordingly, even if children are
sexual beings who rely on their sexual instinct in the initial attachment to caregivers,
they are unable to reproduce, and therefore, their sexuality is perverted: children are, as
Jonathan Ned Katz, a historian of human sexuality, claims that there are two Freuds:
rebel Freud and conformist Freud. While the first one often devastatingly questions
the idea of normal sexuality, the conformist Freud was normal sexualitys prime mover
(Katz 2007, 81). We should also pay tribute to rebel Freud having clarified that he
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deconstructs the line between perversity and normality (Zupani 2008). In Freuds
view, adult normal sexuality retains traces of infantile perverse sexuality (1905).
However, Freud still remains a conformist such conclusion can be drawn taking into
account the very fact that he still uses the word perversion, which inevitably implies a
In Freuds view, the caregivers attachment to a child also has a sexual nature.
The person in charge of him [the baby], who, after all, is as a rule his mother,
herself regards him with feelings that are derived from her own sexual life: she
strokes him, kisses him, rocks him and quite clearly treats him as a substitute
for a complete sexual object. A mother would probably be horrified if she were
made aware that all her marks of [tenderness][i][1] were rousing her child's
sexual instinct and preparing for its later intensity. She regards what she does
Freuds understanding of maternal attachment is based on his idea of penis envy. The
turning point of a girls sexual development is marked by her discovery of the difference
between the type of genitalia (Freud 1964). As a result, she feels incomplete and
develops envy for the penis that will later determine her psycho-sexual development.
Penis envy is what also determines her wish to become a mother and her attachment to
a child. The womans suffering from the lack of penis can only be fulfilled by having a
baby, preferably a boy, that, in Freuds view, serves as a substitution for a penis. He
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asserts that the feminine situation is only established [] if the wish for a penis is
mothers tenderness towards a child is a redirected and masked sexual desire for a
male partner.
The mothers feelings, Freud claims, are derived from her sexual life, as if she herself
was never a child caressed by her mother and was born out of the sexual act with a
man.
Theorists who say that we should fully embrace the sexual nature of maternal feelings
implicitly repeat this Freudian mistake. To avoid this mistake it is necessary to withdraw
10
Interestingly, a starting point for such an analytical blueprint can be found in Freuds
early thinking, which contradicts central aspects of his general theoretical position and
Freud initially distinguished two basic human types of drives: self-preservative and
sexual, associating them with two currents of love, tender and sensual (1961). He
claimed that the tender current of love emerged earlier in the course of an infant
self-preservative attitude that generates tender affection. In this vein, he suggested that
the child's attachment to the caregiver was based on the type of attachment that
predates a sexual drive, in which an initial tender current is directed towards the
members of the family and those who have care of the child (Freud 1961, 180). Sexual
drive directs itself to an object already chosen by the tender current. Freud eventually
relinquished the concept of self-preservative instinct and replaced it with the dual
instinct theory of sex and aggression, and thus reduced the role of tenderness in his
thinking.
between adults (Koziej 2016). Adult manifestations of tenderness are seen in Freud as
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typically female regression to infantile sexuality and an attempt to conceal sexual nature
of her impulses.
According to Freud, [g]irls with an excessive need for [tenderness] and an equal horror
for the real demands of the sexual life experience an uncontrollable temptation on the
one hand to realize in life the ideal of the asexual love and on the other hand to conceal
their libido under [tenderness] which they may manifest without self-reproach (1953,
618).
Towards Tomorrow
Freudian theory has undergone numerous scientific and epistemological revisions, and
many key aspects of it have been discredited or revised. One of these revisions has
been the elaboration of the theory of attachment, developed from the 1970s by
complete revision of the Freuds theory of a child development. One of the major lines of
his thinking reverts to Freud's early theory of tenderness, by means of which he rejects
mother-child bond as based on sexuality does not allow to see it in its own right
(Holmes 1993). The focus on the system of attachment, on the other hand, allows to
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see the bond as an independent mechanism autonomously selected within the course
of evolution.
Bowlby bases his theory on an observation that infants are born with a drive to attach to
other humans (1973, 1980). This drive allows them to form an enduring bond with their
caregivers, which is crucial for their survival. Unlike in other species, human infants
the most basic skills (walking, bathing, eating unprocessed food), they remain highly
dependent on their caregivers and have no chance for survival without constant care.
Bowlby argues that the infant-caregiver attachment is a motivational system that has
evolved to ensure a close proximity between babies and their caregivers during the first
In the late 1980s Cindy Hazan and Phillip Shaver (1987) observed that the signs of
infant-caregiver attachment, such as the search for proximity and separation distress,
resemble adult love relationships. On the basis of this observation they suggest that the
infant-caregiver attachment and adult attachment are governed by the same biological
which show that brain regions responsible for romantic reactions to a partner do not
overlap with regions activated at a sexual arousal (Diamond 2004). The researchers
conclude that sexual desire and adult love are fundamentally distinct subjective
study, Diamond et al. theorize that the biological mechanism underlying affectional
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bonding between adults does not relate to sexuality but is anchored in the already
The idea that it is primarily attachment, and not sex, that controls the formation and
maintenance of adult love relationships is also confirmed by Peter Fonagy (2001) who
observes that the fact that sex can undoubtedly occur without attachment and that
marriages without sex perhaps represent the majority of such partnerships, prove
beyond doubt that these systems are separate and at most loosely coupled (10).
Long-time bonds are, therefore, not an effect of sexual stimulation but of an attachment
relationships has shown that the attachment to a partner and sensitivity for caregiving
are the key factors for the formation and maintenance of such relationships. As
It seems very likely that sexual aspect does not play a decisive role not only in infantile
attachment to a caregiver but also in adult love relationships, moreover, it is not even a
mandatory component of the latter. Rather, the sexual aspect gets admixed to the initial
flow of tenderness between lovers, and only to the degree this component can acquire
lasts as long as there is tenderness and caring behavior, and not until there is sex
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(despite the idea to which we are frequently exposed that healthy adult relationships
attachment theory, emphasizing our profound need for proximity with others.
humans are radically social (2013). Sociality is the default mode of human brain, which
activates almost from the moment of birth and is present through our entire lives (11).
For Liebermans reflections, same as for Bowlbys, the crucial point of departure is the
fact that human babies are born premature and have the longest period of immaturity of
any other species. The downside to an immature brain is that they are not equipped to
survive on their own, therefore they are in need for constant physically and
Lieberman inverts Maslow's pyramid of needs. While for Maslow food, water, and
shelter are the most basic needs that ensure our survival, Lieberman recognizes social
needs as even more crucial. For human infants being socially connected and cared for
is paramount, since without social support, infants would never survive. Lieberman
claims: Love and belonging might seem like a convenience we can live without, but our
biology is built to thirst for connection because it is linked to our most basic survival
needs (43).
15
Because we are profoundly social we experience social pain much sharper than the
pain from physical trauma. Lieberman demonstrates this by predicting the answer to the
following question: Ask yourself what have been the one or two most painful
experiences of your life. Did you think of the physical pain of a broken leg or [] pain of
a loved ones dying, of being dumped by someone you loved, or of experiencing some
kind of public humiliation in front of others? (40). The fact that the human brain evolved
an ability to feel social pain peculiarity may be seen as a flaw in our nature, however
Lieberman argues that this flaw is so important for us that even the most unbearable
suffering worth it. Our ability to feel social pain is profoundly linked with our survival. In
Liebermans words, By activating the same neural circuitry that causes us to feel
physical pain, our experience of social pain helps ensure the survival of our children by
helping to keep them close to their parents. The neural link between social and physical
pain also ensures that staying socially connected will be a lifelong need, like food and
warmth(5).
Liebermans findings suggest that it is the high level of sociality conditioned by our
certain form of need for others, yet they are crucially different. The former
and sexuality is the basis that underlies our longing for others, while from the
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perspective of the latter the basic mode of our existence is our non-self-sufficiency.
Thus human longing for others doesnt require any basis since human beings are
between childhood and adulthood that was implied by Freudian theory. Traditional
sexuality of an adult. As it was shown, in accordance with the theory of attachment and
Lieberman's theory of the social brain, profound need for proximity (both physical and
emotional) is present through our entire lives and defines us as humans. Regarding yhe
Freudian demarcation of childhood and adulthood, this means that we never cease to
be immature. Accordingly, the type of our bonding with others, which Freud subdivided
into infantile underdeveloped sexuality and adult normal sexuality, rather represents an
indivisible continuum, where infantile type of longing is not fundamentally different from
that of an adult.
thinking followed pansexualistic logic that posits sexual drive as the essence of human
17
As mentioned, the word Freud uses to refer to mother-child relationships is tenderness
Zrtlichkeit. By their very etymology both the German word Zrtlichkeit and the
English tenderness are associated with a child. One of the definitions of German
adjective zart is not yet fully developed, young (DWDS 2016). The English adjective
tender derives from Latin tenerem soft, delicate; of tender age, youthful
(Dictionary.com 2016).
The theory of attachment and Liebermans research provide suitable ground for shifting
relationship of caregiver and child, but also of adult lovers, thus, presenting tenderness
not as deviated sexuality, but the very matter and substance of human love. In other
words, it is not the sexual drive, but rather the excessive need for tenderness,
culture considers sexual acts as the ultimate material embodiment of love. This seems
obvious, since the sexual act involves the ultimate sensual embodiment of proximity
since it involves the fusion of bodies, the exchange of fluids and the feeling of mutual
interpenetration. However, arguing this way we overlook the fact that there is another no
less corporeal act, which to the same extent presupposes fusion of bodies, loss of
Moreover, the similarity of those two acts is confirmed by the observation that physical
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pleasure of a breastfeeding woman and pleasure during sexual intercourse are similar
(Newton 1973). But the conclusion, which is drawn on the basis of the revealed
similarity is that the pleasure of breastfeeding is sexual in its nature, which also is seen
perspective the question arises: why among these two acts coitus and breastfeeding
is the first one deemed to the central and the second one explained by analogy with it,
One of my students confessed that when he became aware that during breastfeeding a
woman experience pleasure similar to sexual arousal, he ceased to see this process as
tender and innocent, starting to perceive it as dirty and disgusting instead. I replied: but
what if we - as a result of realizing the similarity of the sexual act and the act of
breastfeeding - refrain from assigning the properties of the former to the latter; what if
we proceed the other way around and consider the physical acts of adult love as tender,
innocent and asexual? After all, kisses and even licking and sucking genitals of loved
ones - which Freud naively failed to noticed - have more in common with breastfeeding,
References
Banton, Michael, and Jonathan Harwood. 1975. The Race Concept. New York:
Praeger.
19
Bogaert, Anthony. F. 2006. Toward a Conceptual Understanding of Asexuality.
Hogarth.
http://www.dictionary.com/browse/tender-for.
20
Ellenberger, Henri F. 1970. The Discovery of the Unconscious. New York: Basic
Books.
25-27, 1998.
Fisher, Elizabeth. 1979. Woman's Creation: Sexual evolution and the shaping of
Fonagy, Peter. 2001. Attachment Theory And Psychoanalysis. New York: Other
Press.
Foucault, Michel. 1980. The History of Sexuality, Vol. 1. Vintage Books, New
York.
Press.
Hogarth Press.
21
. 1955. Beyond the Pleasure Principle. In The Standard Edition of the
Press.
52: 511-524.
Johnston, Will M. 1972. The Austrian Mind. An Intellectual and Social History
Chicago Press.
22
Koziej, Stephanie. 2016. Adult Erotic Tenderness. Lecture from Global Center
Lieberman, Matthew D. 2013. Social: Why Our Brains Are Wired to Connect.
https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/love.
online at
http://plato.stanford.edu/archives/sum2016/entries/plato-friendship.
23
Schopenhauer, Arthur. 1966. The World as Will and Representation, Vol. 1.
Freud and His Legacy. In Against Freud: Critics Talk Back, edited by
Waring, Edward M., Mary Pat Tillman, Frelick Linden, Lila Russell, and Gary
Winnicott, Donald W. 1964. The Child, the Family and the Outside World.
Harmondsworth: Penguin.
59-73.
[i] James Strachey, translator of Sigmund Freud into English and the general editor of
the Standard Edition of the Complete Psychological Works of Sigmund Freud,
translated Zrtlichkeit with affection, but a more accurate translation is tenderness
(Koziej 2016).
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[ii] Only psycho-analytic investigating can show that behind this [tenderness],
admiration and respect there lie concealed the old sexual longing of the infantile
component instincts which have now become unserviceable. The object-choice of the
pubertal period is obliged to dispense with the objects of childhood and to start afresh
as a sensual current (1953, 200).
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