Transactional Analysis Journal

http://tax.sagepub.com/

Stroke Strategy with Couples

Landy Gobes
Transactional Analysis Journal 1981 11: 312
DOI: 10.1177/036215378101100407

The online version of this article can be found at:

http://tax.sagepub.com/content/11/4/312

Published by:

http://www.sagepublications.com

On behalf of:

International Transactional Analysis Association

Additional services and information for Transactional Analysis Journal can be found at:

Email Alerts: http://tax.sagepub.com/cgi/alerts

Subscriptions: http://tax.sagepub.com/subscriptions

Reprints: http://www.sagepub.com/journalsReprints.nav

Permissions: http://www.sagepub.com/journalsPermissions.nav

Citations: http://tax.sagepub.com/content/11/4/312.refs.html

>> Version of Record - Oct 1, 1981

What is This?

Downloaded from tax.sagepub.com by Ana Farcas on May 22, 2014

 Stroke Strategy with Couples
Landy Gobes
Abstract
Describes a technique used to assist
couples to recognize the relationship
between their individual preferences in
receiving strokes and their patterns in giving
strokes. This approach provides infor-
mation, aids in stopping blaming trans-
actions, and promotes awareness of each
partner's separateness and uniqueness.
In his article, "Stroke Strategy,"
Samuels (1971) states that people crave
specific kinds of strokes and that they tend
to give the kind of strokes that they wo~ld
like to receive. I have found the followmg
intervention to be an effective way to use
this information with a couple.
When two people who want to improve
their relationship start therapy, each often
believes that the other is intentionally with-
holding love. It is as though each is
thinking, "He knows how I feel, he just
doesn't care," or "She knows what I want, .
but she won't give it to me."
When I work with a couple I ask each
person, "How do you let her. know that
you care for her?" I put five gen~ral
categories of stroking on the board (do~ng
things for him, the way I look at him,
telling him, touching him, and just being
there), and I mark the category in which
each is giving strokes.
312
Downloaded from tax.sagepub.com by Ana Farcas on May 22, 2014
Then I ask, "How do you want her to let
you know that she loves you?" and I mark
the category of strokes that each wants to
receive. Usually she is giving him what she
wants to receive, he is giving her what he
wants to receive, and both are feeling
empty and unloved.
I explain to them that these preferences
for specific kinds of strokes are developed
early in childhood and that both of them
can expand their capacity to give and
receive strokes. I have each of them
practice giving the kind of strokes that ~he
other craves. I also have them practice
taking in the strokes that the other is
already giving, and I have them learn to
give and receive in a third category. .
This stroke strategy stops blammg
transactions and gives the couple
something positive and concrete on which
to focus. It also promotes the important
awareness that each person is separate and
unique. The relationship will improve
dramatically as each person understands
that the other is not witholding love
maliciously, but is giving love and strokes
in his or her own special way.
Yolanda B. Gobes, MSW, CPTM, is in
private practice in New Britain, Connecticut.
REFERENCE
Samuels, S. Stroke strategy: I. The basis of therapy.
Transactional Analysis Journal, 1971,3,23-24.
Transactional Analysis Journal