Jess Ring, 20

Pansexual/Queer
Cisgender Female

When I came out to my parents, I had no idea what my actual identity was. I thought that
because I was suddenly attracted to a girl that I had to be a lesbian. I discovered that I liked
women in my freshman year of high school, although when I look back on my earlier years its
easy to see that I always liked women. Despite my family always having been super supportive
of me and very open and forward thinking, I was convinced that they were going to be upset that
I was gay (in some way or another). I enlisted the help of my therapist, thinking this was going to
be an all-out battle, and told them in therapy. Their reaction was literally like I just told them that
I liked cookies. Oh, neat, good for you for realizing, but we definitely are not surprised in the
least. I was slightly confused that this wasnt a bigger issue because I thought it was more
common that parents disapproved of their kids identity. Thankfully, my orientation and identity
has never been an issue with my parents and I know it never will be. We talk about equal rights
and discrimination and they ask me to define certain terms used in the LGBTQ+ community.
They are still supremely supportive.

I dont really think I ever experienced being in the closet. I think, because Im terrible at
keeping secrets, I was immediately eager to share this new thing that I found out. I started with
telling people I was bisexual, which turned into pansexual once I realized what that was. People
dont really understand the definition of pansexual and I was tired of explaining it, so I just said
that I was bi most of the time instead of going through the definition. Also, my realization came
with the package deal of having a crush on a girl, so I had no time to waste. We were both new
to dating the same-sex, so it was an awkward start to a relationship. I remember that we hung
out a lot together at school as friends, then I asked her out and she said yes, we told some of
our friends but she wasnt so sure about being out herself yet, so we kept it a secret for a week
or so. She was pretty much my first really serious relationship. She was definitely my first kiss
and other stuff as well. It was a wonderful relationship at the time, when I was so into it that I
didnt realize it was unhealthy. I knew that I wasnt only attracted to girls because I noticed guys
still, which made me feel like I wasnt LGBTQ+ enough or that I wasnt doing a good job at the
whole lesbian thing. It didnt help that my girlfriend came to the realization that she was
definitely a lesbian and (though she probably wont admit it) hated pretty much all men. So she
was a bit angry that I wasnt a lesbian, so I decided that Id try to be one. That was ridiculous
because it just ended up causing all this pent-up resentment towards her, which ended in a
nasty break-up. Im 90% sure she hates me now.

I think the defining moment regarding my identity was my second time going to the Pride Parade
in RI. The first one, I went with said girlfriend, so I felt stifled and like I had to just be a lesbian
and thats it. But my second time, I went with two of my friends who were much more open to
exploring gender and sexuality and breaking the norm. So I just remember seeing all of these
amazing people and thinking that I could be any one of them. I remember the feeling of
openness and freedom. I didnt feel like I needed to define anyone or be defined myself,
because your sexuality and gender can be anything you want it to be. I think that was the first
time I truly felt like I was part of the LGBTQ+ community. It was the realization that labels arent
for anyone else but yourself, so you dont need them and they can change and no one can tell
you that youre wrong.

That being said, the 21st century world of dating is ridiculous. I started dating a guy after said
girlfriend and I broke up and everyone immediately thought that I wasnt gay anymore. Not to
mention all the guys that I went on dates with who said, Thats hot, when I said I liked women.
Currently, I have no hopes or dreams when it comes to dating, because I am thoroughly
disillusioned with relationships and romance. Hopefully, someone will come along and change
my mind. I dont think Ive had any relationship with a guy that is comparable to my relationship
with a girl, but I think there are huge differences. When youre dating a guy, people know it.
They infer by the fact that youre holding hands, or looking at each other in a certain way. When
you date someone of the same gender, people almost never think youre dating. The amount of
times people thought the girl I was dating was my sister was ridiculous. My parents even let me
stay over her house and everything, whereas being in the same room with a guy alone made
people assume you were obviously having sex. The double standard is ridiculous.

My message to society is to learn everything you can about the LGBTQ+ community. Learn the
terms, learn our history, learn our people. Try to understand the concept of gender and sexuality
as being on a spectrum. Try and let go of the binary and understand that gender is a social
construct that has nothing to do with your genitalia. Ask for and use the correct pronouns when
meeting new people and dont assume anything about anyones sexual or gender identity. Lets
stop thinking about people in the sense of male or female or gay or straight, and start
seeing everyone as a unique individual whose labels do not define them. All in all, lets just
accept everyone for who they are in this world.