issue 73:Layout 1 24/8/10 10:35 Page 1

Inside this issue - Win gig tickets - Food stars in Brighton - Back Chat - Letters - and lots lots more...

Issue 73
September 2010
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2 August 2010 kemptownrag.co.uk
Letters
To the editor
RESIDENTS PARKING AVAILABLE FOR ALL
– IF YOU HAVE THE MONEY
We phoned Brighton & Hove City Council this week to
report a persistent parking offender who parks his car on
residents’ bays in the Upper St James’s Street / Lower
Rock Gardens area of Brighton, without having a residents
permit. He works locally and to be honest he parks his car
wherever he fancies, double yellow lines, bus stops,
loading only, it makes no difference.
The Council told us on the phone that they would not tow
him from the residents’ bay because he has every right to
park there as long he has less than four parking tickets
outstanding!
“What?” we reeled at this statement. “But we pay over
£100 a year for a residents’ parking permit. How can he be
allowed to park there if he isn’t a resident and hasn’t paid
for a work permit?”
Reassured, the Council state he is definitely allowed to
park there. The only time he is not allowed to park there -
in which case something will be done about it by the
Council - is... if he has 4 or more parking tickets
outstanding.
He is not allowed to park on a double yellow line (news to
us and probably him, as he does this daily too.
So, here’s the message from our Council to all Kemptown
car owners with permits - if you have the money you can
park anywhere you like on a Residents’ Parking Bay all
you have to do is keep your parking tickets to below four
outstanding, the Council then will allow you park on the
Residents Parking Bays. This is cheap parking if your car
happens to be a Black Audi R8!
Why do we bother?
Joe Abbot, Kemptown
What’s on in Kemptown, Queens Park
and Hanover? Find out at
www.
Dear Kemptown Rag The next thing was of course. What am I going to do next
year? My inspiration came from Little Britain, “I’m the
It has come to my notice, we seem to have more and more
dog poo not being cleaned up by the dog's owners. This is only gay in the village”. It was an unparalleled success
especially the case along St James's Street where I walk everyone roared with laughter I could have collected a lot
everyday and its getting a bit annoying having to watch my of money, but my attempts to get an official bucket came
step as I walk. to nothing. Having published my memoirs ten years ago
Maybe the Community Police Officer could keep a watch where I tell what life it was like to be gay during over fifty
on dog owners not clearing up their dog's mess. years from the end of the 40’s to the end of the century. I
still had a hundred copies in stock, so this year I though
Thanking you, Jenny “why not sell them from the scooter and donate the
proceeds to Pride”. I rang the pride office twice, wrote to
Letter from a Grumpy “Oldest GAY in the Village” them and e mailed them all to no avail, no official bucket
or contact from any one from Pride, so I had to make up
I think PRIDE is the very best thing that has ever been
my own collecting boxes and I know for a fact that some
thought of to foster understanding and acceptance of us that
thought “I wonder if that is going to pride or into the
are GLBT that’s (Homosexual, Lesbian, Bisexual &
pockets of my young collectors”? Me being a “friend of
Transgender for those who might have ever wondered what
Dorothy” one of my young collectors dressed up as her.
these letters stand for).
We collected just short of £300 from the sale of the books
So I have always supported and attended from the very first
and from donations to pride into our rough unofficial
march in London, and then the Brighton one as well, both
boxes. Had we had an official bucket I’m sure it could
financially and personally driving all the way down from
have been £500. Now, I will hand over my cheque for
London and in those days we were able to leave the car
£300 only if some one who is a senior member of the Pride
right in front of Preston Park, now for the last ten years I
committee contacts me gives me giving me an official
attend just the Brighton one. In London we paid (some of
receipt and a promise that this amount will be recorded
us) very willingly the entrance fee and then donated as well
telling where it came from and put in the published
into the official buckets. Now every year I have heard that
accounts and if I take part next year - (that’s if I can think
we don’t pay our way and there is a large deficit, in fact
of some thing to do, any one with any ideas please contact
there were rumours that Brighton Pride might not take
me, if I’m still round) - then we can come to some better
place at all this year.
arrangement.
Some years ago it became more and more difficult for me
Finally I say a very big THANK YOU to all those who
to walk any distance, so I got a mobility scooter, now if I
trusted us, bought a book and donated, I will do my best to
wanted to watch the parade I had to get to the front
get the money to where it belongs
somewhere and then wait and follow every one to the park.
So I thought why don’t I take part in the parade then, not George Montague “The oldest gay in the village”
only I can I ride freely on an open road all the way to the 129 Marine Parade, Brighton BN2 1DE goesom@hotmail.com
park but be cheered along the way. But then I thought I Tel 01273 677191 Mob 0774 7483 283
can’t just go on the scooter as an old man I must decorate
or dress up as something. Never having been attracted into
‘dragging up’ and having been a sailor much of my life,
with my own yacht and still sailing it from the Marina,
(you can’t walk far on a yacht) I spent a couple of months
transforming the scooter into a miniature ‘Woody too’, (my
Bavaria 34). It was a great success and had I had an official
bucket I could have collected a lot of money if only by
asking for a donation from those who wanted a posed
photo with me. (Many young girls not enough young men).
Frequent contributors:
General Editor: Sarah Hall lan Meadows alan@kemptownrag.co.uk
sarah@kemptownrag.co.uk 07875 769423 Angie angie@kemptownrag.co.uk
Andrew Campbell-Kiersey andrewcampbellkiersey@kemptownrag
Advertising: adverts@kemptownrag.co.uk
Cathy Robinson cathy@kemptown.co.uk
davidbrett@kemptownrag.co.uk 07590 280661 Cecelia Rose cecelia@kemptowrag.co.uk
Photography & adverts: Joaquin Buitrago Chris Cook chriscook@kemptownrag.co.uk
joaquin@kemptownrag.co.uk 07515 907879 Corrina Slow corrina@kemptownrag.co.uk
Danial Lawton danial@kemptownrag.co.uk
Kemptown bobby: PCSO Rachel Piggott David Campbell davidcambell@kemptownrag.co.uk
bobby@kemptownrag.co.uk Ester Dewery ester@kemptownrag.co.uk
Food: Susan Barry Fergus Blair & Ellie Barnett carpediem@kemptownrag.co.uk
F.R.Y. fry@kemptownrag.co.uk
susanbarry@kemptownrag.co.uk 07852 267133
Gary Walker (Ginger Whinger) gary@kemptownrag.co.uk
Cartoons: Alan Wickam Iain Cameron Williams iain@kemptownrag.co.uk
cartoons@kemptownrag.co.uk 01273 693701 Judith Manson judith@kemptownrag.co.uk
Distribution coordinator: Mark Ridley Lalah Vamos lalah@kemptownrag.co.uk
Lara Humphries larah@kemptownrag.co.uk
General gopher distribution@kemptownrag.co.uk Laura Doherty laura@kemptownrag.co.uk
Coastway Broadcasting: Lurleen lurleen@kemptownrag.co.uk
steve@kemptownrag.co.uk / pete@kemptownrag.co.uk Mark Johnson markj@kemptownrag.co.uk
Mark Stacey markstacey@kemptownrag.co.uk
Jenny and Jane Eat out in Brighton:
Mr H mrh@kemptownrag.co.uk
jennyandjane@kemptownrag.co.uk Paul Thomas paul@kemptownrag.co.uk
Reviews: Lydia Orman lydia@kemptownrag.co.uk Richard Hollis richard@kemptownrag.co.uk
Roger (Roaming pen) roger@kemptownrag.co.uk
General enquiries: Russell Cook
Sara Jane Glendinning
russell@kemptownrag.co.uk
sarajane@kemptownrag.co.uk
Tel: 07875 769423 Fax: 01273 773570 Theo Vamos theo@kemptownrag.co.uk
Tom Bermingham tom@kemptownrag.co.uk
email: editor@kemptownrag.co.uk
Victoria Halford victoriahalford@kemptownrag.co.uk
Post: The Kemptown Rag, PO Box 5056, Brighton BN50 9NT.
The Kemptown Rag provides a forum for the people of Kemptown and as such is impartial. All columns in the Kemptown Rag are the opinions of the writers and not the publication itself unless otherwise stated.
issue 73:Layout 1 24/8/10 10:35 Page 3

August 2010 kemptownrag.co.uk 3

International food stars join Brighton

September food festival
News

Antonio Carluccio is confirmed to attend Brighton &
Hove Food and Drink Festival and food writers Madhur
Jaffrey and Alistair Bourdain will hold events as part of
the city’s celebration of ‘local produce... international
flavours’ in the city throughout September.
For the first time, an International Food Weekend will
feature mini events and markets running over the weekend
of Saturday 4th and Sunday 5th September across the city
centre, including a French wine festival, Indian street
festival, Spanish fiesta market, Japanese festival, with more
foodie countries to follow. On Saturday 25th and Sunday
26th September the Sussex and the World Market will be
held on Hove Lawns, celebrating some of the best Sussex
products alongside great international food and drink and
the festival will end on an international note with a
fabulous Spanish Festival Gala Dinner at Hotel du Vin
onThursday 30th September.
Brighton Pier will be hosting a weekly pop-up restaurant
event, including the wonderful Terre a Terre who will be
serving a fabulous seaside themed menu; the Churchill
Square Farmer’s Market will be holding live demos
andcook-offs every Wednesday; the Community Chef is
hosting hands-on cookery workshops at venues across the
city (including a foraging special at Stanmer Farm); the
Food Partnership is holding the Local Food Week Picnic
on Saturday 25 September in Preston Park; Open House
Dining returns; and there will be a host of tastings and
dinners across the city all month.
Brighton & Hove city dwellers have been voting hard since
March for the city’s best restaurant, cafe, food pub and
food shop in the Brighton & Hove Foodie Awards,
sponsored by new environmentally-friendly coffee brand
‘ecoffee’ and the winners will be announced on 4th
October to round off the festival, hosted by Hilton Brighton
Metropole.
All event details as www.brightonfoodfestival.com

Dozens of fun foodie public events, including markets,

picnics, street parties, foraging expeditions, food trails and
urban vegetable growing competitions will bring visitors to
the city and the local community together around food.
Details of events are on www.brightonfoodfestival.com
The festival sets off at a canter on 1st September, at
Brighton Racecourse, with the Fun & Foodie Race Day,
mixing delicious local food with exciting horse racing and
lots of family fun, including the hilarious spectacle of the
famous Waiter’s Race on the horse-track. Pick up a food
festival programme in town for a two-for-one admission
voucher, kids go free.

The glorious Big Sussex Market Weekend on 11-12th

September will again be the centrepiece in the unique
North Laine, with a huge range of Sussex food stalls,
whilst nearby in the Pavilion Gardens, celebrity chef demos
and tastings at the Live Food Show will entertain market-
goers.

Join Discovery – the home of great-tasting Mexican food -

in the celebrations for the 200th anniversary of Mexican
Independence Day in Jubilee Square, at a fiesta filled with
food, fun and entertainment. A Mariachi band, a troupe of
Mexican dancers, craft stalls, piñatas, face painting and
chefs on stilts will keep visitors of all ages entertained
throughout the day, while they enjoy samples of Discovery
fajitas or buy freshly prepared Discovery fajitas and tacos.
Visit Mexico, the Mexican Tourist Board, will also be on
hand with information and inspiration for those thinking of
travelling to this vibrant country. Entry is free to all these
events on both Saturday 11 and Sunday 12 September.
The Prince Regent himself can be found in the glittering
Ambassador Ballroom, Hilton Brighton Metropole for a
lavish banquet of Regency period food based on the menus
of the famous chef, Careme, on 11th September. Regency
costume is positively encouraged! Tickets available from
www.brightonfoodfestival.com .

Fiery Foods UK Chilli Festival, on the weekend of 18th

and 19th September, offers a tastebud-tingling two day
celebration of all things hot and spicy, with stalls, chilli
eating contest ‘heats’, music and family activities.
Meanwhile on Sunday 19th September, to celebrate Streets
for People - Brighton’s car free day - local restaurants in
the city centre will be turning their restaurants inside out to
tempt passersby with their tasty offerings.
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4 August 2010 kemptownrag.co.uk

Richard Hollis

Back chat -
Ask the expert! 10 top tips to avoid back pain on holiday.
A few hours sitting still whether it is in a plane, train or car Use wheeled cases or buy a separate lightweight luggage
will often cause even a healthy spine to stiffen a bit. trolley.
Combine that with the contact sport that is the luggage Use a ruck sack rather than a hand carrier.
carousel and conditions are ripe for a back strain. Take an orthopaedic travel pillow.
Finally you arrive at the hotel or apartment only to find Take Omega 3 oils for two weeks before departure and
beds that are too hard or too soft and a pillow that is worn whilst away.
out. Then there is more bending to un-pack. You have Fold a jumper behind your back for support when in a poor
completed a spinal assault course and you have only just seat.
arrived! Put a duvet under you on a hard mattress; put a soft
Sunbeds are another hazard for the unsuspecting. Lying mattress on the floor.
still for ages, especially on your front, can aggravate a stiff Don’t lie on a sun lounger for more that half an hour and
back. for no more that 15 minutes on your front
Pack well in advance to avoid the stress and place the Book a spine check with a chiropractor if you are having
suitcase at a suitable height to reduce bending. any pre-holiday niggles.
Pack well in advance to avoid the stress and place the
suitcase at a suitable height to reduce bending. Richard Hollis BSc DC is a chiropractor at Sundial Clinics
At this time of year I start to see people who have Get help lifting bags and bend from the knees rather than 52 St James’s Street. 01273 696414
injured themselves on holiday. It is not the sort of the waist. www.sundialclinics.com richard@sundialclinics.co.uk
holidays that you might expect either. Rather than
activity holidays like biking, kayaking, tennis and
walking trips it is the “relaxing” holidays that are worst
culprit.
Problems can begin with packing. Getting cobweb laden
suitcases out of lofts and cupboards often means twisting
into tight spaces. Bending over repeatedly to pack holiday
essentials also aggravates the back muscles and joints. The
dash to the airport, lugging heavy bags out of the boot of
the car and on and off trolleys can be troublesome.
Standing in a check-in queue for hours at 5 am can play a
part too. Travelling is rarely a pleasure especially if you are
crammed into an aircraft seat designed for someone who is
obviously six inches shorter than you are.
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August 2010 kemptownrag.co.uk 5

Join the 8K undercliff run in aid of Rise

October 17th 2010
News

Enjoy the camaraderie of running with 400 other Rise stands for refuge, information, support and education. 2 women every week are killed by their partner or former
women alongside the expanse of the sea as you raise Rise was founded in 1994 and, until 2008, known as the partner. This accounts for 40% of all female homicide
money to help survivors of domestic abuse in Brighton Women’s Refuge Project. Rise supports women, children victims. (Povey (Ed). 2005;Home Office 1999. Department
& Hove. and young people in Brighton & Hove and West Sussex of Health 2005)
The Rise 8K Undercliff Run for Women is a unique, who are affected by domestic abuse. Police receive on call a minute for assistance at a domestic
women only, run from Saltdean to Rottingdean and back Rise services include crisis accommodation, helpline, abuse related incident – around 1300 calls every day.
and run in co-operation with the Brighton Women’s counselling, support groups, legal and housing advice and (Stanko 2000)
Running Club. children’s services. In 75-90 percent of cases children are in the same or next
If you are looking for an even bigger challenge Rise is room when violence occurs. (Hughes 1992. Abrahams
Rise Helpline took over 2000 calls in 2008/09.
offering a limited number of places on their Charity 1994)
Rise Brighton & Hove Refuge is unique in taking high risk
Challenge. Open to men and women, the Charity 54% of UK rapes are committed by a woman’s current or
clients including those suffering from mental health or
Challenge offers guaranteed places in 3 local runs - either former partner. (Walby and Allen, 2004)
substance misuse problems - clients that other refuges are
the 8K Undercliff or the Brooks Brighton 10K, followed by In a study by Shelter, 40% of all homeless women stated
not equipped to accept.
the Beacon Half Marathon in February and culminating in that domestic violence was a contributor to their
In any one year, there are 13 million separate incidents of
the Brighton Marathon! Runners will be supported with homelessness. Domestic violence was found to be “the
physical violence or threats of violence against women
motivational, training and fitness support to reach their single most quoted reason for
from partners or former partners. (Walby and Allen, 2004).
goal. Naturally there will also be medals, goody bags and becoming homeless”
Women are at greatest risk of homicide at the point of
all the other fluffy bits!! (Cramer and Carter, 2002).
separation or after leaving a violent partner. (Lees, 2000).
Along with refuge accommodation, Rise offers crisis
appointments, helpline, counselling, housing, legal and
financial advice, solicitors appointments, support groups,
play therapy and 1-to-1 support. Most of these services are
free but it costs over £3000 every day to keep these vital,
life saving services available for local families. For further
information visit www.riseuk.org.uk.
The Rise 8K Undercliff Run for Women was first launched
in 2008. The first two years saw the course go from
Brighton Marina to Rottingdean and back. The Southern
Water works for the new sewage pipeline sees the 2010
course having to run from Saltdean back towards Brighton.
The route will be set and managed by the Brighton
Women’s Running Club.
This event is Rise’s major annual fundraising event. In the
first year it raised over £9000 towards its vital services.
In 2010 organisers fully expect the run to be over
subscribed. The run has a limit of 400 runners.
2010 Run Partners include Shock Absorber, Brighton
Women’s Running Club, SheActive, Whitecliffs Cafe,
Sports Systems, Sussex Beacon, Brighton Marathon,
Brooks Brighton 10K, Brighton & Hove City Council and
L’Oreal.

Kemptown
In Bloom
News

"Best Bed & Breakfast Floral Display" went to "The

Twenty One" on Charlotte Street run by Andy Cole and
Matt Fletcher
In addition we had Peter Pointing at the Brighton Flea
Market (Upper St.James's Street) who won the "Most
Florally Attractive Shop Window" for the 2nd year
running, as seen in last months issue.
Chris Cooke added "As Chair of Kemp Town in Bloom I
just want to thank everyone for taking part this year, and
particularly to our two worthy winners, who definitely
brighten up Kemp Town for us all".
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6 August 2010 kemptownrag.co.uk

Protecting our Police Community Support ‘Ello, ‘Ello,

PC Rachel
Petition

Piggott
Officers and Neighbourhood Policing ‘Ello
A big welcome to our new LGBT officer
"We, as residents of Brighton, Hove & Portslade, urge the city council, through its Community Safety Forum
and representative on Sussex Police Authority (SPA), to oppose any cuts to Police Community Support Brighton & Hove Police Constable, Rachel Piggott, has
Officers either by the SPA or the Government. PCSOs are a vital part of Neighbourhood Policing Teams, are the started her new role as the dedicated Lesbian, Gay,
Bisexual and Transgender (LGBT) community police
eyes and ears of the police in our communities, and are the visible and approachable face of Sussex Police in
officer for the city.
local neighbourhoods. PCSOs have proved themselves invaluable in reducing crime and the fear of crime in the
Rachel has been a police officer for seven years and most
areas in which we live." recently has been part of the Kemptown Neighbourhood
Policing Team for the last three years and has first hand
Name Address Signature experience dealing with frontline policing within the LGBT
community. She will continue to work as part of the
policing team for Kemptown and will be supervised by Sgt
............................................................................................................................................................................... Alex Evans who will provide the support that Rachel needs
when driving certain issues forward and ensuring that
...............................................................................................................................................................................
problems are addressed appropriately.
............................................................................................................................................................................... Rachel said: "At lot of people will know me already and I
am familiar with the local area. I am committed to further
............................................................................................................................................................................... building on the relationship between the police and the
............................................................................................................................................................................... LGBT community within Brighton & Hove. I feel
passionate about the issues and responsibilities associated
............................................................................................................................................................................... with the role of LGBT liaison officer and willing to be a
visible face within the local community. Over the coming
...............................................................................................................................................................................
weeks, I will be trying to get around to meet as many
............................................................................................................................................................................... people as I can and organising drop-in sessions so people
can come and speak to me face-to-face in confidence about
............................................................................................................................................................................... anything they wish to raise."
............................................................................................................................................................................... Sgt Alex Evans said: "Rachel is extremely pleased to be
taking on this role and will provide a valuable frontline
............................................................................................................................................................................... uniform link between Brighton & Hove Police and the
LGBT community in the city. I hope that key individuals
..............................................................................................................................................................................
and businesses within the LGBT community will extend
............................................................................................................................................................................... Rachel support and a warm welcome as she takes over this
role, as has been afforded to her predecessors."
...............................................................................................................................................................................
Contact details are:
PC PIGGOTT DP187 LGBT OFFICER, NPT BRIGHTON
. John Street Police Station,
Cut out and send to - Chris Cooke Kemp Town Neighbourhood Policing Team
99, Essex Place, Montague St, Brighton, BN2 1L John Street
Or use the following link to sign the petition Brighton, BN2 0LA
online - Rachel.piggott@sussex.pnn.police.uk
Tel 08456070999 ext 50418
http://present.brighton-hove.gov.uk
Mobile 07766997889
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August 2010 kemptownrag.co.uk 7

Music to
Dick Rogers

your ears
I’ve never been one for Fads (apart from the shop of
the same moniker, good paste) and to be honest the
whole mp3 bazaar has passed by without so much as a
note being heard as I skip stoically through my life.
I was never particularly impressed with Walkmans, apart
from listening to Now 16 in 1989 on cassette, as I like my
music to be much more tactile, I need the CD case, I do not
download, much like Johnny Number Five, I need more
input.
Therefore, opening up my present from my brother, was a
bit of a shock to say the least. Majoritively to do with the
fact that I know how much these things cost, hell, it is my
job, but also that my brother had the integral thalamus to
realise that all but most music in my ears had fallen by the
wayside over the past few years. There’s a song in there
somewhere.
Upon returning to Brighton, I plugged the device (which
physically amounts to nought more than two wafer thin
After Eight mints, Nano indeed) into my PC and like the
aforementioned confection, got all gooey at the prospect of
listening to much melodic music as I patrolled and cajoled
the streets.
It also tied in so very well to Resolution #Aibs as I’d
decided to scrap the usual Centre Fare both to and fro work
which singularly would save me £75 per month and doubly
act as a prime and perfect treadmill, Office Inward being
two and a half miles from The Big K. A pied.
Aural Immersion on a grand scale, nothing but the best for
Old B-Town! I am quite literally staggered by the effect
this slight, yet precise cumulation of metal and plastics has
had on my life, you pop the white cord into that within
which elbows fear to tread and you are transformed and
transported into a pure Zone of Utter Indulgence. The very
Zeb of the external and public existence.
For, let’s face it, we’re big enough now to tackle it on the
visage, despite there being 250K humans, give or take, in
our City, all milling about, all making the journey,
covering each separate Great Expanse with boundful stride,
despite the crowding, or perhaps because of it, we’re all
our own creatures of distrust. If you look at someone whilst
out walking, my God! He’s looking at me!? Do I know
him, no, weirdo! Hell’s particulars if you happen to glance
at a child whilst abroad in travel-mode from A through B.
Speedo!
Frogs dropping from the skies, cats and dogs living
together, mass hysteria. Granted, some people, upon
hearing another sneeze, politely offer a ‘bless you’, only to
be rounded upon with either a baleful sneer, or a perplexed,
if not catatonic thank you.
I’m sick of it. Smile as you walk, it’s easier than growling
and frowning and scrunching your face up. Oh no, that
person is walking on my side of the pavement, I’M NOT
MOVING! You always do, you stubborn fools, it is much
more fun and instantly breaks down all auras of personal
STAR WARS if you do the Let’s Both Move Out of the
Way To The Side a Few Times Oops We’ve Both Moved
Better Move Back to the Other Side Oops We’ve both
Moved Again Smile Apologetically dance. Even better if
you then ask the person: shall we dance?
So I’ve had enough of it.
Solace in solitude, with music thrown in. You’ll smile,
you’ll sing, possibly get run over.
Mustn’t Grumble.
issue 73:Layout 1 24/8/10 10:35 Page 8
8 August 2010 kemptownrag.co.uk
Ginger Whinger
Grumpy old git,
Gary
With the promise of government cuts to come, I have
been bombarded by a letter seeking my political
expertise as to how this will affect the average person.
Q) How will these government spending cuts affect the
average person?
A) Badly, very badly. (Damn! That's not not enough for a
column is it? I'll just have to raid my postbag.)
All answers are, of course, checked and verified by the
Gary Walker Institute of Advanced Political Knowing
About Things.
Q) I can't understand why these people on benefits can
complain about having their money cut. Why don't they just
get a job? Why, I myself, although I have no real skills or
abilities managed to land a fairly well-paid job as a Prime
Minister. Why can't these whinging dole-queue scroungers
do the same?
A) We at GWIAPKAT have looked into this, and
concluded it may involve an element of job-sharing. Bit
like at the moment really, but with less consensus. On the
upside, it'll look good on a mortgage application form.
Q) I agree with the previous correspondent. May I also
add that, as Chancellor of the Exchequer, I am in a
position to know that council tenants are given estates to
live in.
I can assure you that those members of the cabinet that
have estates didn't have them handed out on a plate like
this. No, they had to wait for elderly relatives to die.
Anyway, my question is don't you think that if some of these
unemployed oiks were to join The Bullingdon Club, they
could maximise their chances of finding a job?
A) I couldn't possibly comment.
Q) As a former member of The Bullingdon Club, I can
state with absolute certainty that we provided a lot of jobs
for the working classes in the form of restaurant re-
decoration and refurbishment after we had a jolly good
night out.
It also did my employment prospects a lot of good as I'm
now Mayor of London.
I did have a question but I've forgotten what it was now.
A) Next.
Q) I used to be a Prime Minister but got made redundant.
A driving job is out of the question as I only have one eye
and thus can't see oncoming things awfully well. What are
my employment prospects under the new government?
A) Pretty bloody thin, frankly. Of course, should there
appear a touring production of 'Treasure Island' requiring a
one-eyed man to hop around a bit and go 'AARRHH!' you
will obviously be in gainful employment. May require a
bit of amputation, but isn't it worth it for a full time job?
Or, of course, you could re-apply for your old job.
Stranger things have happened.
gary@kemptownrag.co.uk
Life coach... offering 6 sessions at a great price.
If you are stuck in a rut, need a confidence boost,
or just need support to improve an aspect of your life...
please get in touch.
Call Jenny on 01273 777298 for an initial consultation.
Dare you go it
Darren Hillyer
alone?
You’ve had enough of your 9 to 5 job, wake up early,
and return home late, perhaps after a long commute
to London? You want a new life; you have an idea, an
inspiration, a skill and want to take it further. You are
thinking of going it alone or with business partners but
don't know where to start.
Welcome to the world of starting a business. With just a
simple idea, or a new variation on an existing product or
service; mixed with lots of dedication and enthusiasm; you
can achieve anything.
Sketch out your general idea, does it sound feasible? Even
after a few days? Still stacks up a week later? OK, let's
crack on!
At the moment you have an idea, know roughly what’s
involved and need to start putting flesh on the bone. Firstly,
do some thorough research. Has your idea already been
developed? If so, can it be improved? What is your target
audience? What is your USP - your unique selling point?
What will set you apart from the rest of the field?
Once you are absolutely confident in your idea and sure
that you have the commitment to make a go of it, you can
start putting the business essentials in place. To start off
with, make a list of what resources and contacts you may
require. How much investment will you require? (The
golden rule - double it!)
Create a rough chart of the turnover, your expected costs &
expenses and calculate your expected profit and make sure
that this is a realistic proposition. After all, unless you are
independently wealthy or have another income stream, you
might need your venture to keep you in house and home.
Next consider and draft branding, product, placement,
pricing, positioning.
Talk to people to get advice and input whenever you can.
They may see opportunities and pitfalls that you have not
considered.
You then need to investigate the different types of
'vehicles' for your business - sole trader, partnership or
limited company. Possibly, it’s not for profit? That's a
different ball game altogether...
Before you open for business, you need to negotiate the
minefield of Tax, VAT and if your are employing staff
National Insurance. You will also need to consider your
own tax position. These can seem complex, and ample
time must be be given to these areas as it is your
responsibility to get them right. It is always worth taking
professional advice from HM Revenues & Customs,
Companies House and a good accountant who understands
your type of business. Try and ensure you get this right
from the beginning as it will reduce the time and effort you
need to put into administrating your business in the long-
run, letting you focus on creating a healthy bottom-line
profit.
We will explore these in more detail in the coming months.
Darren Hillyer is a Business Consultant who helps people
and businesses release their true potential.
www.DarrenHillyer.com
Money-saving
David Colin
Campbell
David
End of the holidays folks I'm afraid. Most of us back
to work. For most parents out there I hear
considerable sounds of relief. I love my little one to
death but I am really glad she is going back to school!
September also heralds the beginning, or return to,
university life for many students.This month’s article is
useful to everyone but is mainly targeted at new
students who for the first time have to deal with their
own finances.
The first thing I really have to recommend is BUDGET.
You really need to know what your income and outgoings
will be. Be sensible, honest and realistic. And most
importantly of all, once you have made a budget, STICK
TO IT!! Also, within this budget, try and keep a little
emergency fund hidden away as there will always be
something unexpected that will come up during the year.
As a student you will be offered loads of discounts and
freebies, especially now you are entitled to an NUS Card.
Grab the freebies where you can. However, with discounts,
although they may seem like a real bargain, always ask
yourself if you really need it. I have stolen the following
mantra from Martin Lewis's MoneySavingExpert website,
which I highly recommend:
"FOR THOSE WHO ARE SKINT - Do I need it? Can I
afford it? Have I checked it is cheaper elsewhere? FOR
THOSE WHO AREN'T SKINT - Will I use it? Can I
afford it? Have I checked it is cheaper elsewhere? IF THE
ANSWER TO ANY OF THESE QUESTIONS IS NO,
DON'T BUY IT!!"
One of the biggest expenses initially you will have is
books. Buying new can really put a massive whole in your
pocket when you don't really have. You can really keep the
price down in several ways. Firstly, check the notice boards
for students who are selling their books. Obviously you can
also look on Ebay and Amazon too for used books people
are selling or check out specialised websites like
www.sellstudentbooks.com. Also, if you are friendly with
people on your course there is nothing to stop you sharing
these purchases and allotting slots where you have a turn to
use the book.
Another massive expense for students is alcohol. When I
was at Uni we did a booze cruise to France at the
beginning of every term and stocked up for cheap. The
only problem with that is if alcohol was plentiful in the flat
it did tend to drunk very quickly. However, if you are a bit
more strong-willed than myself it is always an option.
Also, do you really that car? Insurance, tax, maintenance,
MOT’s, petrol can all really hurt that bank balance. Do you
really need that luxury? Get a bike and use your NUS card
to get discounts on trains and buses.
Another way to save money is to grow your own food. You
may be lucky and have a house with a garden you can use.
Or how about an allotment? A friend of mine was able to
wangle an allotment whilst he was at college and his
kitchen was always full of fresh fruit and veg. He really
enjoyed it too. Although it may be difficult to get an
allotment you can always put up an advert to share an
allotment with someone who already has one.
The best way I know to make sure you don’t leave
University ion loads of debt is to get a job. You will also
find future employers will favour your application over
someone who didn’t work whilst at Uni as it gives you
valuable experience in the work place and shows you have
a work ethic. Although the economy is suffering there is
still loads of part-time work available if you want it.
Hope you have a lot of fun in the coming year and good
luck with your studies. Keep checking out my articles for
more great money saving tips.
David is co-founder of www.moneysavingdavid.com
issue 73:Layout 1 24/8/10 10:35 Page 9

August 2010 kemptownrag.co.uk 9

Rogger Wheeler

The Roaming Pen...

- dries off
Recently I have been congratulating the City Council
for some good work, I knew it couldn’t continue.
Without any advance warning the free swimming for
over 60’s has been cancelled with effect from 31st
July.
IOf course it is essential that in the times of financial
recession we need to save money wherever we can and so
this very small benefit was an easy target, it is a pity. One
of my main issues about all the benefits given to our more
mature fellow citizens is the fact that the providers of the
benefits – Brighton & Hove Buses, the operators of the
swimming pools etc., pass the full charge onto the council.
It would cost them nothing to pass on a reduced cost.
Every time someone uses their bus pass - £1.80 is charged
to the council, the buses have to run whether there are
concessionary passengers or not, so why not reduce the
cost to – say – just 50p per trip.
I also hear that B&H Buses are going to be introducing a
form of Oyster card within a year or so, this is great news,
no more fiddling around with actual cash when getting on a
bus, just swipe the card. It’s been working in London for
some years and the Brighton version is going to be a new
and improved version. This needs to come with a health
warning as I have the cynical view that they will increase
the fares at the same time
The Council are offering free, health checks to any resident
between the ages of 40 and 74, so long as you are NOT
being treated by your G.P. for Diabetes, Heart Disease,
High Blood Pressure or High Cholesterol. This also
includes taking medication for these conditions. The
Health checks will be continuing until March 2011. So
sign up and get checked, you know it makes sense.
And whilst talking about health have you noticed the
number of new gyms opening all over town, the latest is
called simply ‘The Gym’. They have spent almost £1m on
redeveloping the old dolphinarium which was part of the
Sea Life Centre. This huge section of the building had
been derelict for ten years and has now been given a
fantastic revamp. If gyms are your thing – it was mine
once – now you have even more choice with six or seven
all in the centre of the City. This latest addition, which
opened in June, has the novel approach of offering a very
simple membership of £15.00 a month with no contact or
commitment, you simply pay your monthly fee and you are
a member. You can even have just a day membership for
£5.00. Plus it’s open 24 hours a day seven days a week.
They have eight gyms around the country with three more
about to open. I wish them well but wonder just how much
demand there is for gyms, we shall see.
I nearly had apoplexy when I saw that the travellers were
back on the Kemp Town slopes. They had ripped up the
large wooden posts and parked on the grass. I happened to
see one of our leading councillors and asked what the
official line was. All she could say was that there seemed
to be a breakdown in communication between the council
and the police. The travellers are not a priority for the
police, nor for the council. But who pays to clear up after
them, we do of course. If you feel strongly about this
recurrent problem get in touch with your local councillor,
that’s about all any of us can do it seems.
And so to the trains. I have recently discovered Passenger
Focus; this is the passenger watchdog, an independent
public body set up by the Government. Their remit is to
protect the interests of Britain's rail passengers, England’s
bus passengers outside of London, coach passengers on
scheduled domestic services and tram passengers. In one
form or another there have been organisations like this
since 1948 but the whole thing was reorganised in 2005
and Passenger Focus was born.
This does seem to be an excellent body, keeping a close
eye on all the forms of public transport and endeavours to
ensure that the companies maintain the highest possible
standards. You can find them at
www.pasengerfocus.org.uk, it’s worth taking a look. They
are happy to listen to all comments from you and me - the
travelling public and it seems that we are travelling more
and more these days. Train travel is increasing as is bus
and tram, where they are lucky enough to have trams.
roger@kemptownrag.co.uk

The Kemptown Society in association with Brighton Early Music Festival

presents ... Thomas Read Kemp 1782 - 1844. A day of celebration
News

SATURDAY 25 SEPTEMBER 2010

A GUIDED TOUR OF THE KEMP TOWN ESTATE. Introductory talk by Dr Sue Berry followed by a tour of the area including the Garden
Enclosures, the Esplanade and some interiors on the Estate.
Meet at THE ROCK INN, 7 Rock Street 11.00 – 1.00 £10 including Coffee

SYMPOSIUM:THE LIFE,TIMES & ACHIEVEMENTS OF THOMAS KEMP. Mr Paul Phillips: Introduction and brief historic setting. Dr Sue
Berry: Thomas Read Kemp MP, Preacher and Gentleman Development. Mr Michael Osborne: Thomas Read Kemp – the Evolution of a Developer.
Prof Stephen Adutt – Kemp’s Developments and Architectural Design Today.
ST GEORGE’S CHURCH, KEMPTOWN 2.00 – 5.00 £15 including Afternoon Tea

THOMAS KEMP’S MUSICAL SOIREE. Thomas Kemp invites you to his salon at St George’s Church for a concert by candlelight of music from the
Regency period, including Mozart, Haydn, Beethoven, Schubert & Thomas Arne. Performed by Miss Avril Fredrick, Soprano, Miss Camilla Scarlett,
violin & Miss Amy de Sybel, fortepiano.
ST GEORGE’S CHURCH, KEMPTOWN 7.45 – 9.00 £15 with a glass of Regency Punch

THOMAS KEMP’S SUPPER PARTY. Relax with more drinks and enjoy a Regency style supper while the musicians play lighter repertoire to
entertain Mr Kemp and his guests. Supper must be booked in advance. Red and white wine and soft drinks available to purchase on the night
ST GEORGE’S CHURCH, KEMPTOWN 9.00 – 10.30 £10 Supper, excluding drinks
(created by M.Trevor Bradford, Head Chef,The Café in the Crypt)

SPECIAL DAY TICKET FOR ALL EVENTS INCLUDING SUPPER £45.00

HOW TO BOOK
Tickets may be purchased in advance from Dome Box Office, Mon-Sat 10am – 6 pm
New Road, Brighton BN1 1UG. TELEPHONE 01273 709709.
Ticket may be reserved and paid for within four working days. There is a £2.25 transaction fee for telephone books.
One charge per booking. By POST – Please make cheques payable to the Brighton Dome and Festival Ltd and send to:
Brighton Dome Ticket Office, 29 New Road, Brighton BN1 1UG. No SAE needed.
There is £2.25 transaction fee for postal bookings. One charge per booking.
ON LINE - www.bremf.org.uk/kemp There is no transaction charge for personal bookings.
issue 73:Layout 1 24/8/10 10:36 Page 10

10 August 2010 kemptownrag.co.uk

Coastway monthly quiz 73

Pete Sanders

There is a bottle of wine for the first correct entry received. Email pete@kemptownrag.co.uk

2 September 2, 1666
The Great Fire of London started 344 years ago this
month. It lasted until Wednesday, 5 September. It
consumed 13,200 houses, 87 parish churches and St
Paul’s Cathedral. The fire started at the bakery of
Thomas Farriner on which street?
September 3, 1939
71 years ago, the Prime Minister, Neville Chamberlain,
announced the start of the second world war. The British
deadline for the withdrawal of German troops from the
country it had invaded 2 days earlier had not been met.
Which country had Germany invaded?
September 4, 1971
Name the athlete who won seven gold medals at the
Munich Olympic Games 40 years ago this month. He set
a new world record in each of the seven events. He was
named World Swimmer of the Year in 1969, 1971 and
1972.
September 4, 1893
117 years ago, Noel Moore, a 5 year old boy, received a
special letter from a family friend which said, ‘I don’t
know what to write to you, so I shall tell you a story
about four little rabbits whose names are Flopsy,
Mopsy, Cottontail and Peter’. Name the writer of the published 73 years ago. Name the main character who
letter. goes on a quest to reclaim the Lonely Mountain and its
treasure and who encounters a range of fantastic
September 4, 1981 creatures on his journey.
Name the recording artist, actress and fashion model
September 26, 1957
who is 29 this month. After being a member of Destiny’s
The original Broadway production of West Side Story
Child from the late 1990s, she released her debut solo
opened 53 years ago this month. Leonard Bernstein
album Dangerously In Love in June 2003.
wrote the music and Stephen Sondheim was responsible
September 12, 1944 for the lyrics. The plot of West Side Story is based on
This American record producer and singer-songwriter which play?
was born 66 years ago this month. He was a five-time
September 30, 1861
Grammy Award-winner and is known for singing
William Wrigley Junior began marketing chewing gum
romantic songs in a deep voice. His hits include Never,
under his own name 149 years ago this month. Wrigley
Never Gonna Give You Up, Can't Get Enough of Your
was also owner of which baseball team that played
Love, Babe and You're the First, The Last, My
baseball team which was based at Wrigley Field?
Everything. Who is he? .
Answers to Quiz 72 James Baldwin, Marilyn Monroe, Neil
September 15, 1928
Armstrong, Pete Sampras, Rebecca, Sir Walter Scott, Sean
Who made a chance discovery from a discarded,
Penn, Orville Wright, Mother Teresa, James Earl Ray.
contaminated Petri dish 82 years ago this month? He
discovered that the mold that turned out to contain a
Pete Sanders presents This Is The Week That Was on
powerful antibiotic, penicillin.
Coastway Hospital Radio, every sunday between
September 21, 1937 11am-2pm listen online at www.coastway.org.uk
The Hobbit is a novel by JRR Tolkein which was

inmates of Bedlam and sporting a barely-hidden erection or flashing a nipple.

• X-Factor: Negative sides - it’s coming back; it’s humiliating; it’s pointless; it’s
Steve Myers

A Dim View
OK, I’m all over the place at the moment. My partner’s going through chemotherapy
and watching far too many episodes of Bargain Hunt. He knows all the backgrounds
of every personality [sic] on Big Brother, and to my shame I’ve started him on every
season of Murder She Wrote. In sequence. No wonder he’s sleeping a lot! Luckily (or
sadly, depending on your point of view) I have them all on DVD. I think. So go on,
throw tomatoes, put me in a ducking stool, make me… No, forget that. If you want
to really punish me send me back in time as one of Jessica Fletcher’s close friends.
They didn’t tend to last that long.
Or of course, just stick me in 2010 forever, like Groundhog Day, because this seems to have
been a really crappy year.
You know, you would have thought that, just a year or so after having had a major accident
that almost killed me and been though so much surgery and physiotherapy Victor
Frankenstein would have shed a tear, I would be due a break. But it seems whoever controls
the great pinball machine of life keeps hitting those flippers and bouncing me back to get
my head clobbered on a big light-up bell.
Earlier this year, I felt like my accessory of choice should have been a scythe. Three good
friends died in quick succession, my mother’s best friend then died after a long illness and I
had to arrange her funeral. Worse than that, I had to go back to my birthplace in Armley
(where the jail is). Nice enough people and all that, but it’s a bit like becoming a child again
and being cast in an episode of Heartbeat with a worse script. Add to that having to cancel
two holidays, discovering I might have arthritis in my shoulder from my accident, and worst
of all, developing dry skin! I could be forgiven for thinking somebody’s got it in for me.
And it’s not just me who’s discovering this 2010 Displaced Odyssey. My scythe is getting
positively blunt. I wander through the world like Typhoid Mary with attitude. A good
friend, who’s only in his thirties, has just discovered he has cancer, a headteacher friend’s
nephew was killed by ‘friendly fire’, her next door neighbour dropped dead in front of her.
Another friend’s son was badly injured in a motorcycle accident. The list goes on. Hell,
even my downstairs neighbour accused me of poisoning her plants, apparently just by
looking at them as far as I can tell. I wouldn’t put it past me.
My partner keeps reminding me how optimistic I used to be, and the truth is I still am. It’s
just a little difficult now and then to see the silver lining when it’s clad inside several layers
of concrete wrapped in a nuclear bunker.
But as my partner’s dad used to say: Count Your Blessings.
So in the interest of balance, I thought I’d share some of the things we all have to be
thankful for:
• It’s August, so if 2010 is being a bit of a sod to you too, it’s more than half over.
• Big Brother: Negative Side – it’s on TV; plus sides – it’s the last one; it’s the last time
we’ll have to see Davina yelling like a ladette with Tourettes; it’s the last time (at least in
this format) that non-entities will become not-quite-celebrities just for acting like the
excruciating; there’s more talent on the West End stage any day of the week. Plus sides -
err…
• The summer is here. Oh wait it’s gone. Oh no, it’s back again. Nope, disappeared again.
• Brighton is a great place to live. Unless you’re an Argus reader apparently. I don’t think
I’ve ever come across so many ‘Disgusted of Ditchling’ letters in one paper.
• You can always rely on a psychic marsupial, crustacean or cephalopod to predict the
result of an important sports match.
• Posh and Becks are helping the economy by cutting their staff by a third over the four
properties they own worldwide, and are being money conscious by replacing, in some cases,
one British staff member with two more cost-effective ones from Eastern Europe.
• Chocolate tastes just as good as ever.
• You can still reassure yourself with clichés: Things are always darkest just before dawn;
it can’t get any worse; look on the bright side…
• Glee comes back to our screens in September. Yay!
• Though she’s ubiquitous, you can choose to take no notice of The Inflatable Ms Price
and her entourage of husbandry.
• You can get to the end of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo without a degree in Proust and
a bumper pack of Pro Plus.
• They will be a further series of Sherlock, proof that you can have a name like
Cumberbatch and still be a star.
• There is no such thing as an easy-fix diet, so stop kidding yourself and enjoy. Do it to
excess if you want, but there will never be a ‘lard is good for you’ weight-loss plan.
• The pubs are always open somewhere in the world.
• Sarah Jessica Parker is proof that looks aren’t everything.
• An apple will never be as tempting as a Mars Bar.
• Shoulder pads and bell-bottoms will never make a comeback.
• You now have as much chance of winning the lottery as you do of earning interest on
your savings.
• People still do good things for each other without having to be asked. You could be one
of those people.
• Things are often as bad as they seem, but they generally do get better.
You see, it’s not all bad! Now excuse me while I check for thunderbolts.
We need companies to sponsor programmes on
Brighton’s Coastway Hospital Radio,
Just like www.premierinns.co.uk have done...
IT’S LESS THAN 50p*A DAY
www.coastway.org.uk 01273 6262123 *52 WEEKS IS JUST £175
issue 73:Layout 1 24/8/10 10:36 Page 11
Jenny and Jane
Eat out in
Brighton
Cala & Arrobas
Sydney Street, North Laines
This is an unassuming little place, easily overlooked with
the general hubbub in the Laines but having heard of it
recently we thought it would be worth checking out.
It’s a Spanish tapas bar – very small and cosy inside, tables
occupying just the small ground floor (the loo at the top of
the stairs), and with a tiny patio tucked away at the back.
We took a leisurely walk through the Laines one sunny
Friday lunchtime and we were surprised to find we were
the only people there! Not for long though as bit by bit
other people walked in – and being small it was full in no
time!
It did have an authentic feel about it – it felt a bit cellar-ish
with the exposed brick walls, the racks of wine bottles on
display, the little bar at the back which led off the small
kitchen. Nice old black and white photos on the walls. The
patio is sweet – quite colourful and sunny – maybe three
tables which could accommodate three people at each, but
better suited to two, especially if having tapas and not just
a drink. Inside, you could probably squeeze four to some of
the tables at a pinch. There were three of us at our table
and the only issue I have with the whole experience is that
Cala & Arrobas only have small wooden stools to sit on. I
found my back really couldn’t take it for long – so eating
here for me would have to be a hurried affair.
We did enjoy the food though and for the price of a quick
lunch we really thought it was a good deal. During the
week you can have three dishes and a drink for a tenner.
However, the menu is not the full range which is only on
offer in the evenings, so some of the more expensive dishes
(prawns and the like) are off limits. However, we enjoyed
our selection of Bread and Oil (bread was tasty and thick),
Russian salad which was an authentic Spanish Russian
salad, lentil stew with fresh veg, chirozo cooked in sherry,
chick peas and spinach, seafood paella ( a couple of prawns
and a couple of mussels but the rice was very fluffy (and
packed with tomato flavour), new potatoes with two oils
(these had very salty skins…not that pleasant to us!),
tortilla de Patatas (very nice Spanish potato omelette of
sliced potatoes, onion and eggs). All the portions were
generous and the dishes on their own were priced anywhere
from £1.70 to £3.75 or so.
In the evenings you can get the more expensive dishes such
as chicken in paprika, lemon garlic prawns and squid in
olive oil and meatballs in tomato sauce. The most
expensive of these is £8.50.
Jane says: I enjoyed the meal we had but I do think it is better
suited for lunch rather than an evening meal (unless you’re
having a quick meal before the theatre maybe) because it is
actually quite uncomfortable. Good value though.
Jenny says: Once is enough for me.
jennyandjane@kemptownrag.co.uk
Learn Spanish
With a qualified Argentinian teacher
Phone Natalia 07854 348 782
or email nataliapezzi@yahoo.com.ar
August 2010 kemptownrag.co.uk 11
Mark Johnson
Worldwide
beats
Herbie Hancock
The Imagine Project - Universal
September’s Space event:
This album marks Herbie Hancock’s
7th decade in the music business. So Meet an Oscar winning film editor and
there are a host of stars from all over a BBC Radio broadcaster
the world doing some very unusual
covers of well known tracks. Groan...
Lisa Holloway welcomes five times Oscar
I hear you say... no not at all. There
are some really inspiring collaborations here. Like nominated film editor Anne V Coates and BBC
Tinariwen, K’naan and Los Lobos all together, fusing Radio 4 newsreader and announcer Kathy Clugston
Tamatant Tilay a desert blues track, (originally by
will appear at The Space on Wednesday 1st
Tinariwen) with Bob Marley’s Exodus to great effect. A
September. There’ll be a chance to see legendary
really driving, pulsating beat - Masterful! I think this
album would be a great starting point for those who may film composer John Barry at a Belgium based
want to get into some sounds a bit more worldly and jazzy, concert, among other prizes in the raffle.
with the comfort of knowing most of the originals here
like, Tomorrow Never Knows, Don’t Give Up (Kate Bush)
and The Times They Are A Changing (Dylan). There’s Wednesday 1st September,
also contributions from Pink, John Legend, Anoushka Komedia, Brighton
Shanka and Wayne Shorter. It’s brilliant, and not the usual Doors 7:30 - £7.50 / £5.00
renta-muso-celeb collection, but then again it is Herbie
Hancock, a man whose pedigree speaks for itself.
Pay via The Space website and receive a pound
Syriana discount off the admission cost
The Road To Damascus - Real World Records www.thespace.uk.com
Nick Page, formally of Trans-Global www.komedia.co.uk
Underground and more recentley Dub
Collossus, brings us possibly one of
the best albums of the year to date.
This project combines the unique and
The Kemptown Rag is solely reliant on the income
traditional sounds of Syria with more
generated from advertisers in order to produce a free
contemporary western infusions of publication. So, please tell the advertisers where you saw
dub and electro, but at the same time retaining the Syrian the advert and, of course, by supporting our advertisers
elegance of instruments like the Oud. This is a truly you are helping to support us.
innovative and inspirational album.
Our friends at Family Entertainments have kindly donated a pair of tickets for each of the
following gigs... so give it a go... a trip down memory lane for a few of you out there ...
Competition 1
Win tickets to see John Otway and
Wild Willy Barratt
Komedia, Thursday September 2nd. 7.30pm
Simply answer this question and email your answer to
markj@kemptownrag.co.uk
What is Wild Barratt’s middle name?
Deadline is Monday 30th August 2010, 9pm. The winner will be selected at random from the correct
answers received by email. The winner will be notified by email no later than 9pm, 31st August 2010.
Competition 2
Win tickets to see Nine Below Zero
and Dr Feelgood
Komedia, Thursday September 16th. 7.30pm
Simply answer this question and email your answer to
markj@kemptownrag.co.uk
What island are the original Dr Feelgood from?
Deadline is Friday 10th September 2010, 9pm. The winner will be selected at random from the correct
answers received by email. The winner will be notified by email no later than 9pm, 13th September 2010.
issue 73:Layout 1 24/8/10 10:36 Page 12

12 August 2010 kemptownrag.co.uk

Andrew Campbell

Travelling light
Kearsey

“Keep quiet, there’s a good boy.” for you to have a little sleep now.” wearing new clothes when they met up with the rest of the
“But where’s Mummy?” “I’m not tired Daddy”, yawned David. family. Normally his mother had nagged him to change
“Just rest your eyes a bit then and listen to the rest of the every day but after almost a whole week, even he felt it
“She’ll be joining us later. She has to look after your little
story.” was time to put on different ones.
sister. You know how she needs her mother. You’re all
David didn’t hear any more of his story that night. His “Why is it so cold Daddy? Maybe if we ask the man in the
grown up now and I need you to be a brave, young man for
father marvelled at the way his son could sleep in such uniform he will make a fire for us.”
Daddy.”
overcrowded conditions and although pleased for him, was “No, it’s a game David. We have to see how long we can
David smiled. Even at the tender age of six he knew he
also more than a little jealous. go without speaking to the man or even looking at him.”
was not properly grown up, but enjoyed his father’s little
***** David tried to be grown up for his father’s sake but at
joke. Also he felt ever so flattered at being thought of as
“How much longer to go Daddy? I’ve looked out the times he couldn’t overcome his hunger and thirst. Feeling
older than his twin sister, who was fifteen minutes younger.
window and all I can see is snow.” bitterly cold was the greatest hardship. Once he woke up in
“I’m cold Daddy.”
“Not much more.” the night. His father must have had
“Well, snuggle up under my coat and I’ll carry on with our
“Will I really see all my cousins there?” something in his eye as there was a
special story. Where had we got to?”
“Yes, and your uncles and aunts.” lone tear on his cheek. His father
“The boy had just saved the family from the burning
“Will they have presents for me?” was muttering things in that funny
building and the mayor had just decided to eject a statue-”
“If you’ve been a good boy, yes.” language David never fully
“Erect a statue in his honour. The boy’s parents were so
“Like the boy in our story?” understood.
proud of him that they cooked him his favourite pudding.
“He reminds me a little bit of you, but he His mother had been very pleased
Do you remember what that was?”
never asked as many questions.” with him as he had recently learned
“Yes, treacle tart. That’s my favourite too. I remember
They both laughed as his father tickled him. It made them how to tell the time from the big clock in the hallway. That
when Granny used to make it for us. She let me help and
forget the stench in the air, at least temporarily. did not help him now as he had lost all track of time
she put flour on my nose. Why did she have to go to
“So, the boy grew up and was very handsome. He was also because he had been huddled with his father in the dark for
another country?”
very strong. He married a beautiful princess and-” what had seemed a lifetime. He had long grown
“The doctor told her that she needed to go somewhere
“Don’t say ‘And they lived happily ever after’, please” accustomed to the smell which was ten times worse than
warmer. We’ll see her again soon, don’t you worry.”
“Why not?” when their toilet had got blocked up at home.
“What happened next Daddy?”
“Because that means it’s going to end and I don’t want it to There was a deafening screech of machinery coming from
“At school, all the children wanted to play with the boy. He
finish yet.” under their carriage and then the train stopped and
had so many friends that it was a problem for him to
“Alright, what do you think happened next?” everyone jolted backwards.
choose who to play with.”
“ Did they have some children?” “We’re there now David. Hold my hand.”
“He was very popular, like I used to be at school before
“Yes, a boy and a girl. The son always protected his Bones creaked as bodies began to stand up. Some didn’t.
they started saying bad things about me.”
sister.” Those ones were trampled on in the rush to get out into the
“Yes. They were very silly weren’t they?”
“Like I looked after Sarah when those men threw stones at fresh air. David looked around for members of his family
“Is that why Mummy started giving us lessons at home?”
her?” to greet them. They must have been hiding. Perhaps they
“Yes. Anyway, the boy was always kind to everyone and
“That’s right.” were at the end of the path they were walking towards. As
did everything his parents and teachers asked. He looked
“I’m thirsty Daddy.” they went under an arch of wrought iron, he gazed up at
after sick animals and helped neighbours with all sorts of
His father manoeuvred his body so he could squeeze his the letters they spelt out. He would ask Daddy what
jobs.”
hand through the crack between the door and the floor. He ‘ARBEIT’ meant later. He was too busy thinking about the
“I’m hungry Daddy.”
produced a handful of grey, icy snow which he dripped presents he would be getting.
“Here, have half of my bread. You can’t have it all as we
into his son’s mouth. David was looking forward to andrew@andrewck.co.uk
have a long way to go yet. Maybe it would be a good idea

Answers to kt-RAG-kwiz 72 Across 1. SCARBOROUGH 7. RAG TRADE 8. SCAR 9.

?
NUTRIA 12. SCYTHE 15. DETESTATION 18. GOATEE 21. SPEECH 23. IMPS 24.
AVIATION 25. GENTLEMANLY. Down 1. SERENE 2. ROTOR 3. OMAHA 4. OVERS 5.

The kt-RAG word 73 GUSSY 6. BARREL 10. THETA 11. IRENE 13. CUT UP 14. THOSE 15. UGLIER 17.
CHUNKY 19. TASTE 20. ENACT 21. SEINE 22. EXTRA

Across 3. Morten Harket’s 80s pop band starts

1. Resort to go up North. Fair enough (11)
7. Grade art depending on the clothing
industry (3, 5)
8. Would-be Lion King leaves a mark (4)
9. I run at mixed up beaver (6)
12. Chesty way death might cut you down
to size (6)
15. Hatred of French you are familiar with
on location. (11)
18. Growth of Indian state’s kind of shirt (6)
21. Public address regarding a mode of
communication (6)
23. Grafts for little devils (4)
24. Flying. A way Italian uncle ends up
North (8)
25. Sensitive and macho, but well mannered
and chivalrous (11)
Down
1. Not quite one of the Williams’s, but very
calm (6)
2. Usually goes round and round, but also
goes up and down. (5)
with a meditative thought and gets into a
state (5)
4. On top of the South in cricket. (5)
5. Man takes in Nazi elite to make more
attractive (5)
6. Place a shotgun can hold beer? (6)
10. Article with thanks for a letter (5)
11. Anger at the North East. Get her out
(5)
13. Annoyed about what scissors have
done (3,2)
14. Regarding them – first try harder or
stop everything (5)
16. Type of fruit for her majesty – but it’s
not as good looking (6)
17. Beefcake in a calendar year is quite
thick (6)
19. Sensory state (5)
20. Put a cent in to play (5)
21. French flower (5)
22. In the background usually and in
addition to requirements. (5)
issue 73:Layout 1 24/8/10 10:36 Page 13
Fergus Blair and
Ellie Barnet
Carpe Diem
On my list of places not to be at 11 o'clock at night,
'bus full of heavy metal fans' clocks in only slightly
below the Bates Motel and just above that creepy
lighthouse from Shutter Island. Surrounded by huge,
bearded men, universally festooned with spikes and
wearing T-shirts adorned with words like Bloodbath
and Gorgoroth, I suddenly began to regret my decision
to meet up with some friends in the freezing wastes of
Derbyshire to spend a weekend watching metal bands
and desperately trying to protect my tent from the
attentions of drunken chain-wielding pyromaniacs.
Given quite how intimidating these strange creatures were
to me, one can imagine the anxiety I experienced when,
fresh off the train to Lichfield and wondering the town
streets, looking for the bus station, I was approached by
one of them, wildly gesticulating towards me and grinning
broadly, the evening breeze tugging on his stonewashed
jacket and his dark, greasy hair.
An hour and a half later and we were getting off the shuttle
bus to the campsite together, discussing Shakespeare and
Chekhov, I extolling the virtues of Brighton Fringe to José
and he recounting the history of Mexican theatre to me. By
the end of the weekend, I had realised that this up-and-
coming actor/director was quite possibly one of the most
interesting people I had ever met, and, more importantly,
that he had given me a window into a world I would never
before have had any point of contact with. One day,
hopefully not too far from now, I will take José round all
the nooks and crannies of Brighton, and then, in the
slightly more distant future, I shall go see one of his plays,
either in Mexico or in London.
I realise that the Venn diagram of Mexican theatre
practitioners and heavy metal fans doesn't contain a huge
overlap, but that isn't the point. The point is that there are
thousands of such Venn diagrams, none of which I would
ever have experienced if I hadn't spent three days
immersing myself in what was, to me, a completely alien
culture. By going to an event where I had so little in
common with anyone else, I ended up meeting people that
I would never have come into contact with otherwise.
That experience made me start thinking about the modern
world and how 'connected' we are. One of the more
obvious virtues of the modern world is, or has always
appeared to be, the ease with which we can network: the
miraculous powers of the mobile phone and the internet
have allowed us to keep in touch with our contacts with the
greatest of ease, while social networking sites and forums
have given us the power to expand our range of
acquaintances on an almost daily basis; even if we never
meet our new-found 'friends' in the flesh, we still seek them
out for the constant source of useful information they
provide us with. You like Tolkein? Check out some
Michael Moorcock. Pixies fan? Try The Breeders' new
album. In fact, sometimes it seems like the whole point of
modern life is to make useful connections with other
people. Concerts, festivals, parties: most of our social
activities nowadays derive some, if not the majority of their
value from the people we meet there. The majority of
people nowadays get their jobs through friends of friends,
and social status is measured not by the number of our
intimates, nor the strength of our ties to them, but by the
number of Facebook friends we've managed to accrue. All
things considered, not only does our generation spend more
time networking than any other, but we also have every
conceivable tool at our disposal to maximise the utility of
our loose ties.
And yet, despite these advantages, or rather, because of
them, we have ended up as one of the most insular
generations of all time. Previously, we had to forge our
closest bonds with a selection of the people whom we spent
the most time with, and, since this was largely determined
by geographic location and workplace, any individual's
group of friends would include a hugely diverse range of
interests and expertises. By contrast, the modern world has
given us the power to cherry-pick our confidantes from the
several hundred people who blindly saw your number of
mutual friends and hit the confirm button and then spent a
while struggling to recognise you from your not entirely
representative profile picture. Furthermore, for much of our
time on social networking sites, we are actively engaged in
alienating people who do not share our precise set of
interests. How many times have you spent more time on
someone's Facebook page just because you saw that their
political views were the same as you, or because you
noticed that they had 'added [insert relevant hobby] to their
Interests'? How often have you struck up a conversation
with someone because you noticed that your Spotify or
Last.fm playlists were 80% identical? How frequently have
you formed an instant judgement about someone because
they joined a certain group or liked a particular page?
Even more tragically, while modern forms of
communication have been making it easier than ever to
spend all our time with people who are essentially clones
of ourselves, they have also been making it increasingly
difficult to meet people who aren't. Where previous
generations would have gone shopping, we now order off
the internet. When our grandparents would have trekked up
to London or Manchester or Liverpool to watch a match,
we'll catch it on Sky Sports or stream it on the internet
later. While our parents in their youth might have gone to
see a band if they were in town and they'd listened to one
or two of their albums, we can now listen to their whole
back catalogue for free and then and only then decide
whether it's our scene or not. Even the occasions that seem
designed with the explicit purpose of widening our contact
base are in fact merely further ways of meeting people who
will provide nothing but a stream of vindication to us: at
festivals, we only interact with people who share our taste
in music; in forums, we talk only to people we now we
share common interests with; and at parties we meet only
the people we have already screened for potential
disagreements, plus a selection of the people they've
screened, with no-one providing anything more interesting
to the conversation than perhaps an argument with the rest
of the group over which was the greatest Red Hot Chili
Pepper.
With the incredible powers of communication that we have
at our fingertips, we should be well-rounded, fulfilled
individuals, and yet, for some reason, we have instead
decided to use those resources to cocoon ourselves in a
suffocatingly-small comfort zone. Conflict is glorious: by
surrounding ourselves with people who only ever agree
with us, all we do is limit the number of options we can
take with our lives, while seeking out people we have little
in common with opens up so many potentially amazing
worlds we might never have discovered otherwise. Why
shut off so many paths our lives could take without
exploring them first? This month, do something none of
your friends would do. Go somewhere none of them would
ever think of going, and talk to people they’ve spent most
of their lives trying to avoid. You might hate it, but, at the
same time, you might meet someone who will push your
life in a new, exciting direction that you didn’t even know
existed.
By 2012, there will be seven billion people on this planet:
if you want to start finding the amazing ones, you better
start looking now.
carpediem@kemptownrag.co.uk
August 2010 kemptownrag.co.uk 13
Paul Thomas
Money never sleeps
According to legend, money makes the world go round
and makes a clinking clanking sound. It is the stuff of
nightmares and dreams and at this particular moment
in history money is causing more havoc than ever.
It was ever thus, but of course now we have 24 hour news
channels that in their over-excited, no-time-for-breath-or-
fact-checking way update us all the time about the latest
impending crisis. X is either too big to fail, too important
to the economy or is ripe for a “budgetary review” (more
widely understood as a cut) Yet despite all the nose, the
majority of us are still very British about money and either
don’t know, don’t want to know or more likely don’t want
to admit they don’t know. Plus crucially, of course it’s not
really the done thing to talk about money. Much easier to
blame the banks for being terrible rather than sagely
reflecting who exactly signed the contract for yet another
credit card or remortgaged when prices were only ever
going skywards. In the much reviled 1980’s there was a
landmark film meant to expose the meanness and
corruption of money and greed. Wall Street starred Michael
Douglas as the epitome of rightwing capitalism with his
famed “greed is good“speech. Directed by liberal thinker
Oliver Stone, it was intended to mock Wall Street and
financial wheeling and dealing the world over. In a move
that must keep those dissertations on the death of the
author on cultural studies courses in Brighton’s academic
corridor alive and debating, Wall Street ended up as a
rallying call to those wanted a taste of all that was
supposed to be bad. For some it was seen as a training
program, how to get rich quick. City traders have queued
up around the world to tell Michael Douglas that his role as
Gordon Gekko inspired them to work in the money
markets. Maybe that’s why the stakes and the supersized
gambling just got higher... In timely fashion, just as the
banks are on a more even keel there is a sequel, Wall
Street: Money Never Sleeps, which sees the Gekko
character still played by Michael Douglas leaving prison
for tax evasion and returning to a financial world that has
pushed further than he ever did. The hot young turk of the
new ruthless reality is played by Shia Labeouf. As a
comment on the viciously transforming power of money, to
get Mr Transformers himself to play a trader is a stroke of
dark genius. British talent in the form of Carrie Mulligan,
much feted for last year’s An Education, plays Gekko’s
daughter Winnie. Whatever else, the markets are in control
now, wielding more power and influence than any one
country or leader. Your savings, loans, mortgages, pensions
and bank accounts are directly affected by the markets. Do
yourself and your finances a favour and see Wall Street:
Money Never Sleeps because this time, there’s no stopping
them...
Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps is directed by Oliver
Stone and stars Michael Douglas, Shia Labeouf and Carrie
Mulligan. Coming to cinema screens this autumn.
paul@kemptownrag.co.uk
issue 73:Layout 1 24/8/10 10:36 Page 14
14 August 2010 kemptownrag.co.uk
The condiments of life
Iain Cameron-
Williams
- A short story
“It’s like putting sugar on your chips,” scoffed
Margaret, creasing her narrow forehead with
disapproval.“It’s something you just don’t do,” she
added by way of validation, whilst emptying a sachet
of finely crushed Demerara sugar into her latte
Her husband Mark wholly agreed with the analogy and said
so with repetition as he watched his wife fold the sugar
granules suggestively into the frothy, creamy coating on
top of her coffee.
“It’s like drinking saltwater,” he professed, nudging the
discussion further along into uncharted territory.
“Disgusting!”
Margaret shook her head with pronounced vigour
indicating she was clearly of the same opinion then took a
small sip of latte leaving a pencil line of cream residing
upon her upper lip. No one dare tell her it was there.
For once, husband and wife appeared to be talking from the
same menu. An observation Mark’s uncle Bernard, who
had said little all evening and eaten even less, made with
moderate surprise. Cordiality had never figured strong in
his nephew‘s marriage.
Mark noticed an empty sachet of salt lying discarded on the
floor just beside aunt Mildred’s sensibly
booted foot. What did she
Had she dropped it, he wondered and then
discarded the thought altogether.
look like? he
“It’s like sniffing pepper,” piped up Bernard, pondered...
aunt Mildred’s long-suffering husband of Ronald McDonald
thirty seven years. There was a distinct ring of
irony in his tone of voice. Whether any of the on acid!
party sitting around the Formica table picked
up on it, was hard to tell. This lot didn’t appear to do
humour.
“You’re right, there,” muttered Mark in between mouthfuls
of masticated fish burger. “Who in their right mind would
sniff pepper!”
Jason - Margaret and Mark’s son of nine years, eleven
months and thirty days - was engrossed in his own thoughts
and paid little attention to the stilted conversation. His
mind was more concerned with how much tomato ketchup
he could smother on top of the beef burger nesting inside
his seeded bun, without dribbling any down the sides.
Like a drought in Somalia, the dialogue suddenly dried up.
It was as if someone had turned the tap of words off. Relief
to some, no doubt. Everybody sat in silence eating their
bland-tasting food from the brown plastic trays placed in
front of them.
Mildred broke the air with a fart. It escaped on its own
accord without any involvement from her flabby buttocks,
much like all of her farts did these days. They just slipped
out one after the other, discharged like wayward bullets.
Unfortunately for Bernard, he was in the direct line of fire.
All he could do was shuffle his chair away from hers, so as
not to get the full seasoned waft of her sewers. But alas, he
was trapped, cushioned between the wall and his farting
wife.
Jason felt sorry for him, but didn’t say so and wondered in
return if his great-uncle felt sorry for him?
No one mentioned the fart, just in case Mildred denied it’s
existence thereby pointing the finger of suspicion in their
direction.
Young Jason liked his great-uncle. Recently though, he
noticed something about him had changed. He didn’t know
what it was or why. Bernard had always been a man with
more vision than Specsavers, who played a controlled
game with no halves. Now it was as if he was squatting on
the sidelines of the common pastures we call thought.
Perhaps this is what married life does to you, Jason
deliberated, as he pledged to remember never to venture
along that path.
Nothing on the menu had stimulated Jason’s interest. All
he wanted was to go home and explore his new PlayStation
Patrick Richards
Laying down the law
- The post HIPs era
console. He didn’t much like beef burgers. He would rather As I said in my previous article, HIPs turned out to be
have had a pizza from the Express further along the mall, a disaster, exploited by many in the residential
but his parents never did listen to what he had to say. So, conveyancing process and did little or nothing to
like his great uncle Bernard, he remained quiet and kept his identify fraudulent transactions or speed up the
own counsel. process.
“You’re a moody kid,” his father would chide. A
The Law Society is now actively engaging with its
convenient diagnosis to massage away any feelings of guilt
members, the Council of Mortgage Lenders and consumer
he might be harbouring.
groups to tighten up its Protocols with a view to
“Leave him alone,” Margaret would intervene. “Let him
standardisation of forms and proceedures . The aim is to
play.”
cut cost but retain the value to the Client. Obviously this
If Jason could have sold his parents on eBay, he would
can only be entrusted to those participants who will
have. He also felt sure great-uncle Bernard would have
subscribe to a proposed membership accreditation scheme.
done the same with his farting wife. Maybe they could sell
This is being launched by The Law Society’s Property
them together as a special offer, buy one, get one free! As
Section Conference this October with a view to
he mulled over this mischievous thought, a grin escaped.
applications during December and a formal launch in
Bernard noticed and smiled in response. It seems they were
January.
squatting on the same patch of common land after all.
There is also high level dialogue with regard to separate
“And what don’t you do with tomato ketchup?” chirruped
representation for Clients and their Lenders. Sounds more
Jason, as he bit with firm abandon into his quarter-pounder
costly but if this avoids conflict of interest, fraud and
thereby releasing a tsunami of tomato ketchup splattering
facilitates the number of very good Solicitors who wish to
across the table, splashing his mother and father directly in
retain conveyancing work, then this must be in the interests
the face.
of the Client.
Turbulence followed. It was as if the
Finally, there is The Law Society’s ”e-conveyancing task
Grim Reaper had draped his cloak
upon the heads of all those present.
force” which is examining the possibility of an electronic
“Birthday party! What birthday party?
portal for Solicitors to communicate with one another
(often a complaint that they do not do so enough)with
More like a wake,” insisted Jason, as
graded and properly protected access.
he wished he was any place else rather
than having to suffer the indignation of Patrick Richards, Solicitor, Crosby & Moore, Hove.
what was about to happen next.
“You … ungrateful … little toad,” his
mother chided, whilst a rivulet of
ketchup dribbled slowly down her left cheek. As it merged
Cherry Tree
Cherry Tree
with the residing line of creamy substance upon her upper
lip, Jason momentarily regained interest in his surprise
birthday party. What did she look like, he pondered? Housekeeping monthly tip
Ronald McDonald on acid!
That was what his mother called him; an ungrateful, little Brighton Pride is over and now the hangovers have
toad. As to what his father had in mind, I’ll leave that for passed you need to vacuum the sequins and deal with
you to work out. Suffice to say it had spanking and stocks the stains left behind! Here's how to get rid of them
in the diatribe. the practical way...
As quick as a Harrier Jump Jet, Jason picked up his mobile
Hair dye stains: If you don't act right away it's too late! A
phone and took a snap-shot of his scathing mother. The
good soak in cold water, a quick rub of liquid detergent,
flash caused her to tilt her head backwards thereby
then white vinegar should get rid of all but the most
exaggerating her angered expression. Caught on camera, a
stubborn ones.
face as flushed as a pizza . . . pizza Margherita!
Lipstick stains: You can use dry-cleaning solvent or
“You‘ll never be anything other than what you are, an
methylated spirits to get rid of these stains. Whichever,
ungrateful, little toad,” reiterated his mother, as she
once you have rubbed it in, wash the garment in a solution
wrestled open a paper napkin.
of liquid detergent and ammonia. Rubbing on some
That was her opinion. Bernard could listen no more and
glycerine or petroleum jelly works too
promptly stood up to give the table a dressing-down.
Make-up stains: Scrape off as much as you can with a
“As Truman Capote once said, ‘failure is the condiment
knife, being careful not to spread the stain. Then pat it with
that gives success its flavour‘.” He then turned towards his
talcum powder to draw in any grease before washing in
great-nephew and with a pronounced H wished him, “a
detergent and warm water. If the stain is really bad, try
very Happy birthday.”
soaking the stained fabric in a solution of one teaspoon of
Though no one ever dared mention it thereafter, it appeared
ammonia to 500ml of warm water.
Jason did get his pizza after all.
Iain Cameron Williams copyright 2010 Brought to you by Cherry Tree Housekeeping
Your local cleaning company for Kemptown and beyond.
52 George Street
Tel: 07969 841630
info@cherrytreehousekeeping.com
www.cherrytreehousekeeping.com
issue 73:Layout 1 24/8/10 10:36 Page 15
Cook’s world:
Russell Cook
- And mother makes five
“Daddy, Ellie is in labour!” Harry’s phone call didn’t
come as a surprise, Ellie had been getting large of late
and the river walks becoming impossible as far as she
was concerned. In spirit she was up for it but the body
had other ideas. No more chasing sticks and stones
through the ripples of the water, for now.We knew that
birth was imminent for a Golden Retriever to be off
her food, well worthy of a headline in the Canine
Times.“Shock horror! Dog turns her nose up at pig’s
ear, full story and all the juicy porky titbits inside!”
In the garden bathed in the glow of an early summer’s
evening stood Ellie, she’d been in labour for a good few
hours by the time I arrived but nothing was going to stop
her waddling around the garden, pushing as she went, but,
still no puppies. Wagging her tail and looking pleased to
see me she ambled over for her customary lick before
making a half hearted attempt at picking up the nearby
tennis ball in her mouth. She gave up,
looking at the yellow ball as if it was its fault
before the plaintive look upwards with the ...Leo has again
big black eyes at their most open and disappeared into
appealing. “I suppose a walk is out of the
question?” Er yes; Ellie was guided back
the long grass to
into the spare room, into her cardboard box catch rabbits that
beautifully laid out with mats and surrounded always elude
by a pile of old newspapers just for that
unexpected leakage emergency. Ellie settled him...
down and continued pushing to no avail,
lying there panting seemingly oblivious to her impending
motherhood. Time for a little quiet. With another push she
closed her eyes and began to doze.
Out into the garden and there bounding up came Leo the
male, pale brown golden retriever, Ellie’s constant
companion and toy boy dog, being nine months younger.
When she was on heat he was ever so good, his devotion
despite the drips of blood onto the floor, the growling and
at times increased urinating from his intended didn’t put
him off. For those brief few days, he was her daydream
believer, side by side on walks, her protector, despite her
constantly wagging tail and over the shoulder flirtatious
looks worthy of a romantic scene from Disney’s The Lady
and the Tramp. Of course if he caught Ellie flirting with
other interested male canines which did occur on a twice
daily basis on the river walks, he would bark and let his
masculine presence be known as he chased away the many
interested parties. Ellie was his; he put up with her
indiscretions and made sure no potential suitors ever got to
first base.
His devotion paid off. One afternoon Leo got to first base
and by the looks of it, to second and third base. To say they
were joined at the hip in the shade of the old oak tree
would be a slight understatement. “Boy has he got
stamina!” would be a good description over their behaviour
that long and probably rather sweaty afternoon. Locked
together, Ellie benefitting from the fruit of Leo’s loins
although both looked decidedly uninterested. Deed
completed he disengaged himself and strolled nonchalantly
into the kitchen barely giving his now ex lover a second
glance. He gave me that knowing look, okay, pigs ears all
round.
Ellie pushes but nothing; she glances up from her doze
looking hot and bothered. I turn to look at Leo who didn’t
look hot or bothered but the energy in his movements and
the long lingering glances towards the front door, he
clearly felt that a walk was in order, perhaps to clear his
head as he prepared for this life changing moment? Leo
and I will go for a stroll and have that man to man
conversation, stop at the local for a pint to toast his
impending fatherhood, maybe a celebratory cigar? Leo
looks at me as if he can read my thoughts and obviously
thinking he is dealing with a man who is suffering from
some Doctor Doolittle personality disorder, gazes longingly
towards his lead. I get the message and with Leo leading
the way we go up to rabbit country, the big field, winding
wooded pathways stretching through to patches of
overgrown grass, overshadowed by willowing trees. As
dusk descends the area is bathed in an orange sunset, the
air is still and I take a step back to watch Leo who has
disappeared into the long grass on his unending quest to
catch one of the many rabbits that always seem to elude
him. He bounds his way through, hopping and jumping like
an energetic excitable tigger. Leo in his own hundred acre
wood.
The peace is disturbed and I answer the mobile. “Daddy,
the first puppy has arrived, come and see!!” I collect Leo
still in full tigger mode, and we trot back our figures
silhouetted by the sunset. One day reaches its end;
something new is beginning just round the corner.
Ellie looks non plussed as she licks the first of the newly
born then another and soon, one more. As night falls she
has produced five all yelping and
scrabbling for milk. Ellie’s mothering
instincts take over and she responds to
the high pitched yelping as the little
bundles of fur naturally make their way
towards the teats and the plentiful,
supply of milk. She washes her brood
and gently caresses each pup with her
nose. “Have I done well?” her large
black eyes question with a glance
towards Leo who is keeping his distance, sitting a few feet
away just by the door.
Nightime, the curtains are drawn and tired mother settles
down, puppies asleep and every so often the silence is
broken by a contented yelp as more milk is proffered.
As bed approaches I watch Leo, he makes his way towards
his basket as if he doesn’t have a care in the world. Tonight
there is something a little different about him, a little
swagger in the walk and the slow wagging of his tail, the
slightest hint of a smile. As I turn to leave he lets out a
little bark. I catch his eye and nod. Seemingly happy with
this, he lays his head down and goes to sleep, into the land
of rabbit field dreams perhaps running around with five
young pups at his side.
russell@kemptownrag.co.uk
August 2010 kemptownrag.co.uk 15
He speaks,
Kemptown listens
Mr H
By the time that you read this, we will know the
answer to the question that has been keeping old
ladies everywhere on the edge of their Stannah stair
lifts: is Jane (the woman from the BT advert) up the
duff?
? That’s right folks, if you really couldn’t find the time or
the inclination to find out what BT really needed our help
with in their recent “What happens next?” advert, it was
the chance to vote as to whether or not the fictitious Jane is
pregnant by her live-in boyfriend, Adam. Blimey, talk
about a nation holding its breath!
Personally, I was hoping that the voting would involve
deciding how this nauseating advert-couple split up. I’d
always thought it a nice idea that one of Jane’s rat-faced
children would one day catch Adam, their incredibly
annoying step-father-to-be, demonstrating just how fast BT
Broadband really is as he gets caught contributing to
“Readers’ Wives Online”. That would have been a much
more fun campaign that the pregnancy one!
Regardless of the outcome, what it does show is how much
things have changed in recent years. There was a time not
so long ago when a company such as British Telecom (or
Bangalore Telecom as you might feel like calling it if you
have ever tried to get through to their Call Centre) would
never entertain the idea of their adverts being fronted by a
divorcee shacking up with a younger man and her two
children, let alone have the nation decide as to whether or
not she is pregnant before she marries him! What a nice
wholesome image!
One the other hand, Jane and her ex-husband (who my
money is on for being the one that put the bun in Jane’s
oven) seem to get on famously and when rat-faced
daughter cries “it’s like he just doesn’t want to talk to me!”
after he cuts their telephone conversation short, the ever
serene example of motherhood perfection refrains from
replying “well, your father’s a total asshole and that’s just
another reason on a great long list that I’m glad I dumped
him! Don‘t get involve with men kiddo, they‘re all
b******s!”. Similarly the rat-faced son gets on far too
well to be normal with Adam (whose general acting career
so far seems to involve dull and boring characters) and the
whole thing is too contrived and too perfect. Does this
really help flog more broadband?
mrh@kemptownrag.co.uk
?
The kt-RAG
kwiz 73
A BOTTLE OF WINE to the first winner of
the kt-RAG-kwiz to be pulled from the hat.
Email: editor@kemptownrag.co.uk
1. Who won Ireland's first Olympic gold medal, in the
hammer in 1928?
2. Who killed Procrustes?
3. To where did Concorde make its first commercial
flight in 1976?
4. What is the scientific name for the white of an egg?
5. What name is given to a young otter?
6. Name the four US presidents to have been assassinated?
7. What is the answer to the Riddle of the Sphinx?
8. Which part of New Zealand is larger - the North Island
or the South Island?
9. Which was the first Beatles film?
10. Who played the possessed girl in 'The Exorcist'?
Answers to kt-RAG-kwiz 72 1. Madness. 2. Richard 11. 3.
Rinka. 4. Kibbutzim. 5. Italy. 6. Actium. 7. Gammer. 8. Tostao.
9. Demeter. 10. Green.
The winner was Pete Michael
issue 73:Layout 1 24/8/10 10:36 Page 16
16 August 2010 kemptownrag.co.uk
Save the children
F. R.Y.
I hope everyone enjoyed Pride as much as I did
although two hours dancing and waving on the back
of a lorry was a bit of a challenge to someone as unfit
as I am! It was my first time on a float at Pride and I
was more than a little impressed by the crowds who
turned out to wave and cheer us on. It occurred to me
that I was getting an idea of what it will be like for the
real Pope when he visits Britain in November.
Yes Folks, I was the Pope!
Well I figured that if I ever expected to see the pontiff at
Pride in my lifetime I’d better do it myself! I can only hope
it will encourage His Holiness.
There was a more serious issue recently than Papal
prejudice however. One of the killers of Liverpool toddler
James Bulger, Jon Venables was convicted of possession
and distribution of child abuse images. Needless to say the
tabloid press missed no opportunity to scream ‘See! We
told you he was evil! Bring back hanging!’ or words to that
effect. Old wounds were ripped open by the press slavering
for tragic reactions from poor Jamie’s Mum. I doubt she
would have attended court for Jon Venables’ trial without
the media encouraging her and funding it every inch of the
way. I’m not saying that her grief and pain is anything less
than devastating but it cannot help that the press keep
hounding her and clawing open her heart, just to get a
reaction they can print.
As horrific as the events of that day were let us take a
moment to step back and see what lessons
can be drawn here. Leaving aside the debate The convicted
about whether ten-year-olds have the capacity person serves
and experience to differentiate between
different levels of ‘naughty’ behaviour; of their sentence
whether or not they can grasp the enormity of literally for the
torturing a person then taking their life, let us
examine the ‘rehabilitation’ of Jon Venables.
rest of their
At barely eleven years old Jon began a life lives...
sentence. Something that isn’t grasped by the
public in general is just what that term actually means. For
those whose interest in world affairs stretches no further
than what they are told by ‘red top’ journalism, a ‘life
sentence’ means a few years of comfortable, easy living in
prison (never enough according to the sensationalist media
who want to keep us outraged so we will buy their nasty
little publications) then released to carry on their lives as
normal while the victim is left with no life to carry on.
Well people, it’s just not like that in real life. A life
sentence really does mean just that. The convicted person
serves their sentence literally for the rest of their lives! The
detention element of the sentence the convict soon adapts
to and it is mostly a matter of ‘doing their time’. That said
we shouldn’t underestimate just how stressful it is, day
after day trying to deal with a barely competent and largely
disinterested administration as the prisoner struggles to
jump through all the hoops of regulation and requirements
in order to secure release on parole, or ‘Licence’ as it is
known now.
When a judge hands down a life sentence he will indicate a
minimum tariff, the period of time the convict will have to
serve before he can be considered for release. For most
murder and manslaughter cases that will be eight to twelve
years which doesn’t sound much. What is not so widely
mentioned is the fact that parole boards almost NEVER
grant parole at the end of that tariff. ‘Lifers’ will spend
years, or even decades chasing that elusive release decision
after their minimum tariff expires.
Even when that release date is finally reached the stress
continues for the convict as they are subject to supervision
and control that conspire to make life as difficult as
possible. This is not a deliberate policy by the probation
service but despite its avowed intent, in truth it is not the
protection of the public that is the first concern of that body
Cecelia Rose
Beans and leaves
but to make sure they don’t do or allow anything that will Kemptown Bookshop & Bookroom Cafe
bring the department bad publicity. Just as the last
Situated in the heart of Kemptown and indeed is the
government was the probation service runs in fear of
beating of the Village, stable and mature after many years
approbation by the media.
of inspiring writers and readers. The pleasure here is to
The consequence of that is the probation service must
have intimate customer service; building a relationship with
‘cover its back’ whenever making a decision concerning
the owner Darion and his interesting staff. Before the other
one of its ‘clients’. In the case of Jon Venables this meant
coffee houses sprung up locally, Darion had long
that despite the fact that enormous sums were spent giving
harboured the idea of a Cafe above his shop; we all wanted
him a new identity in order to give him the chance of a
one. This one opened three years ago and is thriving.
fresh start (as well as to prevent media-inspired revenge
Climbing up the beautiful Ash stairwell, lovingly designed,
attacks), probation service requirements mean that cannot
finds us in a small library combined with the cafe with
happen; the money has been wasted.
window seats to look below at passers-by or to write,
The whole point of a new identity is lost when ‘child
browse the bookshelves or even take a look at the new
protection’ agencies insist that the convicted person
menu on offer. It wasn’t time for my lunch, even though
discloses their past to any prospective employer, club or
the delicious mixed salads and quiche looked substantial
organisation they may wish to join and even to anyone the
and delicious. I opted for mouth-watering zingy lemon
person is thinking of entering a relationship with.
homemade cheesecake made by local company ‘Sticky
There is a more sinister side to this policy within child
Fingers’. I had a huge piece, probably because the waitress
protection agencies. If a man who has transgressed has the
was new. Go to Nero’s if you want soulless mouthfuls of
opportunity to make a fresh start, to put the past behind
miniscule proportions, or here for the real thing.
him and take again his place as an included member of
The delightful Megan, Kemptown Bookshop’s Springer
society, then he will generally make every effort but if the
Spaniel is also pottering about the shop and I know that I
man (or woman) is constantly reminded of their outcast
am still welcome to bring my well-behaved pet for a chin-
status they can become very bitter and turn against the very
wag.
society that they perceive has rejected them and that way
The cafe has an atmosphere of dignity and culture-sensitive
leads to tragedy.
customers speak in low whispers whilst imbibing calm and
It is not hard to imagine the state of mind of already
whetting the intellectual taste buds with each sip of double
convicted paedophile Roy Whiting as
shot latte. Music is essential to the experience; The Gotan
being one of a man with nothing left to
Project for the Cafe (‘La Revancha del Tango’) and Glenn
lose when he abducted and murdered
poor little Sarah Payne. Thomas
Gould playing Bach’s Goldberg Variations for the ground
floor. There is even a basement of Reference books to
Hamilton, when he took his guns into
explore.
that primary school in Dunblane, must
Regular visits for health of body and mind highly
have known he was on the verge of
exposure as a paedophile with all the
recommended.
consequences such a label brings in
91 St George’s Road, Kemptown
this society. Ian Huntley killed Sarah
Brighton, E Sussex, BN2 1EE
and Jessica because he couldn’t risk the girls reporting him.
Tel: 682110
He knew all too well what would happen if he was caught
again.
What these men did was utterly, terribly wrong and they
brought inexcusable misery and suffering to countless
people. I would be at the front of a line of those who would
condemn unreservedly their behaviour. What I believe,
TRULY believe is that those dreadful killings could have
been prevented had we as a society put in place a system of
justice that values rehabilitation over revenge.
Had Roy Whiting, Thomas Hamilton, Ian Huntley et al
been helped to address their harmful sexual inclinations at
an early age without prejudice or society’s condemnation;
had they been shown the way to channel their desires
safely whilst remaining valued members of society, then
perhaps, just perhaps these appalling tragedies might have
never have happened
Jon Venables cannot enter into anything approaching a
‘normal’ sexual relationship without the almost certain
consequence of his cover being ‘blown’. Thus it has been
for young Jon for all of his life since puberty. With all
chance of developing a normal sexual personality i.e.
learning how to form relationships with others, as all well-
balanced people must do, constrained by his social
workers, is it really a surprise that he turned to
inappropriate alternatives?
Until that change in emphasis in our judicial system and
until the press find other ways to extract money from the
The Kemptown Rag is solely reliant on the income
masses than stirring up hatred and fear, we will continue to
generated from advertisers in order to produce a
suffer these unnecessary, tragic extremes. free publication.
We all have to pay a terrible price for the fear that sells So, please tell the advertisers where you saw the
newspapers. advert and, of course, by supporting our advertisers
Want to comment on what you have just read? you are helping to support us.
You can now email direct on f.r.y@live.com
issue 73:Layout 1 24/8/10 10:36 Page 17

ADVERT
issue 73:Layout 1 24/8/10 10:36 Page 18
18 August 2010 kemptownrag.co.uk
Russell Cook talks
Russell Cook
with Clive James
Since the 1960s, Clive James has forged a career in the
media. From the rich pickings of his television
criticism to thought provoking essays on the cultural
and political icons of our time, his writings will reside
on the worldwide bookshelves ready to entertain
generations to come. He has achieved the careful
balancing act of creating popular television for all
while at the same time making us think, to look at
things or events from a different viewpoint. In our
conversation, I felt I had just touched the tip of the
iceberg.There was so much more I wanted to ask.
Next time Clive is in town, I will be sure to drop him a
postcard.
Cultural Amnesia is published by Picador at £14.99
North Face of Soho is published by Picador at £7.99
With thanks to Jacqueline Graham at Pan Macmillan for
help in arranging the interview.
UNRELIABLE MEMOIRS
In the first volume of Unreliable Memoirs, we meet a very
young Clive James growing up in post war Sydney, we
follow his adventures into young adulthood, and his
decision to sail to London in the early 1960s chronicled in
the second volume, “Falling towards England”. By the end,
he is on his way to Cambridge as we discover in “May
Week Was in June”. In number four Clive introduces us to
his early dabbles in the heady world of the media and Fleet
Street.
“The memoirs have always done quite well. When I wrote
Unreliable Memoirs back in 1980, I thought “that’s it,
What’s on in Kemptown, Queens Park
and Hanover? Find out at
www.
everyone’s been a kid, what happens next is different.” By
that, not everyone has been to University, not everyone has
worked in Fleet Street, so, the audience that knows what
you are talking about goes down in numbers as the
narrative progresses.
I wrote “North Face of Soho” after I had finished Cultural
Amnesia, just to relax really, I needed to wind down and I
couldn’t just sit there and do nothing. I take the narrative
up to 1982 just as I ended my contract as TV Reviewer for
The Observer. From then, right up to the millennium I was
on television full time so I will probably do a fifth volume
and if I can’t make that funny and interesting then I should
just give up. In television, I spent a lot of time being the
interviewer and responsible for making the guests look
good. If I have one virtue then that would be it. There were
some “amusing anecdotes” that I will get into the next
volume but I haven’t started remembering yet. I do make
notes but when you get into the book and start writing,
stuff starts coming back. It’s an interesting process and as I
get older the early memories get clearer and clearer as
opposed to what happened last week. As for future
volumes, if I time it carefully there will be a sixth, written
on my deathbed. I love the form, sure, some of it isn’t
strictly true but its emotionally true.”
CLIVE JAMES ON TELEVISION
Having been the television critic of The Observer from
1972 until 1982 as well as a regular feature of our TV
screens from 1982 until the turn of the millennium I was
keen to find out what he felt about television today
especially now, where it seems reality TV takes priority
over the imagination of the scriptwriter and documentary
maker.
“Some of the best television now is as good as it has ever
been. A fine example is Laurence Rees’ programmes about
the Nazis, better than anything that was on the air back in
the sixties and seventies. The good stuff is as good as it
ever was. Look at Catherine Tate or the recent series in
which Victoria Wood travelled the world. The problem
nowadays is the migration of the serious stuff towards the
minority channels then on to satellite and cable. The
consequence of that is of course reality TV which is
saleable. Whether we watch Big Brother or not, we all
know what happens in the house. It is big news it takes
over. It is slightly different in America where the best
talent goes into shows like The West Wing or The
Sopranos. Now, when I sit down to watch TV it is with a
DVD box set of a series, over the course of a few nights I
will work my way through them. I don’t really keep up
with what is going on British TV although a while back I
did accidentally tune in to Celebrity Love Island and was
confronted with Rebecca Loos and Abi Titmuss adjusting
their bikinis. They kept adjusting their bikinis because they
didn’t quite fit, it must have been deliberate so I happened
to see the show for the next three nights just to see how the
battle with the bikinis was going. You don’t have to do
much to get famous these days.”
AN AUDIENCE WITH CLIVE JAMES
“I love going on stage and touring the country with my
one-man show was a terrific experience. The focus point
was “North Face of Soho”, I told some tales from that
before devoting the second half to a question and answer
session. I intend to take the show to the States, this time
using Cultural Amnesia as the starting point. I am getting a
little old to be touring but I love being in front of an
audience. Most writers like being private, I don’t.”
CLIVE JAMES TOP TRAVEL TIPS
“Quite simple!” explains seasoned traveller
Clive. “Never forget your passport and never lose your
passport!”.
russell@kemptownrag.co.uk
issue 73:Layout 1 24/8/10 10:36
Lurleen’s Lexicon of Lavender Love
Lurleen
RIP Cheeky Charlie –
there ain’t ever gonna be
another gal like ya! xxx
Lots’a lurve
Lurleen
C INNERESTED IN GUYS, OR A GAL WHO AIN'T
CAMP
A GAY GUY WHO ACTS A LIL BIT
THEATRICAL, WEARIN’ COLOURFUL
CLOTHES, BANGLES AN’ BOWS - WELL, NOT
REALLY BUT Y'ALL GIT WHAT AH MEAN.
CAN ALSO MEAN TASTEFULLY TASTELESS,
LIKE THE PINK FLAMINGOS ON THE LAWN
IN FRONT’A MA TRAILER.
THE WORD COMES FROM THE OLE FRENCH
SAYIN' SE CAMPER, WHICH LITERALLY
MEANS TA ACT ALL EXAGGERATED AN' OVER
THE TOP.
CATAMITE
THIS IS AN OLE TERM FOR A YOUNG GAY GUY
WHO'S GITTIN' SOME GOOD LOVIN' FROM AN
OLDER GUY. THE NAME COME'S FROM A
TRANSLATION'A THE NAME GANYMEDES,
WHO WAS A GREEK GUY FROM ANCIENT
TIMES WHO SURE KNEW A LOT ABOUT THAT
KINDA THANG – HE'S SAID TA HAVE GOTTEN
IT ON WITH MANY A GUY, INCLUDIN' KING'A
THE GREEK GODS, ZEUS HIMSELF!
Page 19
August 2010 kemptownrag.co.uk 19
CIRCLE JERK WITH THEM (SHE SURE IS A SLOW
THIS IS KINDA LIKE A SEXY GAME'A PASS READER!)
THE PARCEL, WHEN A BUNCH'A GAY GUYS HER EXCUSE WAS SHE WAS BRINGIN’ OUT A
ALL SIT AROUND IN A CIRCLE AN' HAVE A PERFUME WITH THE SAME NAME AN’
MIGHTY GOOD TIME! THOUGHT FOLK WOULD GIT CONFUSED AN’
NOT KNOW A BOTTLE OF SCENT FROM A
CLEAR GLOSSY MAGAZINE (GUESS SHE FIGURES
THIS IS A GUY WHO'S ONLY EVER BEEN HER FANS ARE AS DUMB AS SHE IS!)
NEVER PLAYED HIDE-THE-WEINER WITH A
lurleen@kemptownrag.co.uk
GUY!
COMING OUT
IF Y'ALL DO WANNA LET FOLK KNOW YOU’RE
GAY Y'ALL COME OUTTA THE CLOSET (IT
GITS KINDA CRAMPED IN THERE).
COTTAGE
THIS IS WHAT GAY GUYS IN THE UK CALL A
PUBLIC BATHROOM WHERE THEY'ALL CAN
FIND MORE THAN THE USUAL RELIEF! ITS
CAUSE THEY USED TA LOOK KINDA PRETTY,
WITH THATCHED ROOFS AN' WHATNOT.
(KNOWN AS TEA-ROOM IN THE UNITED
STATES)
CURVE
THIS IS A MAG FOR GAY GALS, WHICH WAS
STARTED IN SAN FRANCISCO, IN MAY 1991.
IT WAS ORIGINALLY CALLED DENEUVE, BUT
FRENCH ACTRESS CATHERINE DENEUVE
GOT ALL UPPITY IN 1995 WHEN SHE
REALISED SHE SHARED HER SURNAME
issue 73:Layout 1 24/8/10 10:36 Page 20

20 August 2010 kemptownrag.co.uk

OOdddd Suz on food:

Susan Barry
s oc k
so ckss - The St. George’s Inn
It was the day after Pride and after a night on the tiles “You’re still waiting for them?” Yes I bloody well am! I
only one thing could cure the hangover – a massive was assured that they would be with us in 5 minutes so I
Have you ever tried mixing Sunday roast with loads of gravy! However, this was
proving to be more difficult to find than we had
was willing to forgive and forget (although a free round of
drinks would have been nice). Sure enough, the long
bicarbonate of soda with malt vinegar anticipated. Our hearts sank as we went into every pub awaited roasts appeared in no more than 5 minutes, nicely
(don’t use the expensive stuff)! we passed only to be told that they had sold out -
until, that is, we heard through the Sunday roast
presented on smart rectangular plates. However, as we dug
in we were disappointed to find that it was all style and no
REMEMBER to do this outside and wear old grapevine that one pub was still serving,The St. substance. The lamb was overcooked and drowned in the
clothes!!! George’s Inn, so off we went. darkest, saltiest, vilest gravy I think I have ever had. I can
Having never been before, my first impressions were good. only describe it as tasting like diluted marmite, but not as
It looked nice, it seemed to attract a nice crowd, and most nice. The limp carrots and green beans were also a let
My Pig Won't Let Me Watch TV of all the smell of Yorkshire puds was in the air. At a down to say the least, but the biggest culinary crime by far
My pig won't let me watch TV. glance of the menu my carnivorous mate and I were happy were the ‘roasties’, that weren’t crispy in the slightest and
It's totally unfair. as there was a good selection of meat on offer – lamb, were basically boiled potatoes dipped in oil and stuck in
He watches anything he wants chicken, beef and pork belly. We both fancied the lamb. the oven for about two minutes at the most. My girlfriend’s
but doesn't ever share. However, my veggie girlfriend was less impressed as the veggie option was equally disappointing, if not more so –
only option for her was a rather uninteresting Yorkshire soggy Yorkshire pudding filled with a sickly goats cheese
I never get to watch cartoons pudding filled with goats’ cheese and mushrooms. She and mushroom sauce accompanied by the afore mentioned
reluctantly ordered and we headed for the beer garden with flaccid veg and a tasteless, worryingly grey veggie gravy to
or anything like that.
our drinks. boot.
He's busy watching farming
For the first five or ten minutes we were perfectly content Normally, I’m all for sending bad food back, but in this
shows.
sipping over our drinks and chatting away in the evening case we had been waiting for so long and were so hungry
I should have got a cat. that we had to eat it (perhaps this was their plan!).
sun, safe in the knowledge that our much anticipated roasts
were finally within our reach. However, after another 30 Needless to say I have learned a valuable lesson – if
I should have got a goldfish everywhere has sold out of something apart from one
frankly the evening sun was starting to wear a bit thin and
or a guinea pig or goat. place, there’s probably a reason for that!
we couldn’t ignore our hunger any longer. “They couldn’t
Instead, I've got this pig
have forgotten our food could they…?” But alas, our
who's always hogging the remote. susanbarry@kemptownrag.co.uk
grimmest fear became reality. As I put on my best calm
and reasonable voice and asked how much longer our
Kenn Nesbitt
roasts would be I was met with a blank expression,

A lively frog
Sat on a wall
Gledinning

News from the Coach House - Harvesting

Sara Jane

And all at once

It became fall
This means collecting seeds, making dyes, pot pouri,
A bleating reindeer incense, herbs for medicinal bathing or internal use
Ran away and of course for food our medicine. Syrups, wines,
And all at once pickles, vinegars, all can be in the making. A busy
August for you and it is well worth it.
T'was Christmas day
Harvesting encourages us to share with many. The journey
can be enjoyed at all stages from collection to making to
A sprightly elephant tasting so enjoy it all.
Danced on a string Actions required in the garden this August :
And all at once Lavender can be cut back to last years growth. The flower
heads can be made into lavender pillows along with a cup
We had spring of lavender tea and if feeling adventurous try some making
some lavender syrup just add sugar or honey.
"But what of Nettles can be cut right down now. Seeds can be collected
and dried for consumption.
summer?" Only a very small amount is needed 5-7 seeds per portion.
I heard a bird cry Heaped with protein these can be quite stimulating so
In answer to that probably not good taken close to bed time. Surplus nettles
Green aprons will be starting in September for more
can be made into a fantastic liquid compost. Put nettles and
I can only sigh stems in a container add water and cover and let it brew. In
info on making and tasting courses
atthecoachhouse@googlmail.com
a few weeks the liquid will have turned a dark green and
this can be diluted and used as liquid food on your garden.
It’s all nonsense
Also try an infusion of thyme sprigs in your bath along
Judith Hastings
with burning it as an incense. A tea can be made from
Thymus vulgaris having high anti bacterial, antifungal and
antispasmodic properties.

Recipe
Nasturtium Vinegar
Fill a bottle of white wine vinegar or cider vinegar with
nasturtium flowers. Crush up a couple of leaves,and leave
for 10 days before testing. If you require a stronger taste,
strain and repeat with more flowers.
issue 73:Layout 1 24/8/10 10:36 Page 21

August 2010 kemptownrag.co.uk 21

Steve Myers

Decimal Points
Ten little fingers, ten little toes. our expense. I just tell them I was born this way. Children
are fascinating, because it’s not until we get older that we
If my mother hadn’t drank, smoked or snorted, I’d probably
lose that sense of wonder. As opposed to the shop assistants
have been okay. But you play the deck life deals you. By
who won’t go near me, children often want to touch my
secondary school, I’d lost her and heard it all: the insults, the
hands to see if they’re real. A few freak out, but most think
pity and most often the jokes.
it’s cool.
‘It’ll make piano playing easier.’
It took me a while to find a wife. I had lots of interest from
‘Which is your pinkie?’
lots of women who had lots of interest in me for all the
‘Found gloves yet?’
wrong reasons. When I met Claire, she obviously noticed,
I think of everyone as individual. So having twelve fingers is
but it was the first time I saw a woman just glance, not glare.
just something that happened to me. It’s not like the extra
And she didn’t seem to give it a second thought. We talked
two do anything. I can’t reach two octaves on a piano; I’m
about everything that night – except the twelve out of ten I
not the world’s quickest typist. They’re kind of useless, like
have. We have two kids with everything in the right place.
the appendix, or something you buy on a whim from the
They call me ‘Dozen’ sometimes, but affectionately. I joke
Innovations catalogue. In a weird way they’re my best assets.
that a smack from these hands could really hurt.
They made me, just as I made them. I take the abuse, jibes,
Of course people still look, comment, even turn away.
stares and ‘oh you poor thing’ remarks from people who
Claire’s more offended than I am. She slapped a guy who
think I need cheering up. I am not ‘so brave’ and don’t need
asked if I’d escaped from the circus. To say that both he and
a telethon and sad music to accompany my life. I’ve cried
I were shocked would be an understatement. He was more
myself to sleep sometimes, wondered ‘why me?’, blamed my
surprised, as he probably thought a five-feet five woman
mother, nature, God and everything else.
couldn’t dislodge his bridgework. I’m don’t like violence, but
I used to hide my hands to avoid the comments, but I’ve
couldn’t help but be impressed. If he owned a tail he went
stopped bothering; in fact I quite like those discrete looks:
away with it between his legs.
the ones that people give celebrities when they’re not quite
There are so many other things to think about this little
sure if it’s really them. It’s fun paying in cash, because
accident of fate. Like film extras, I see them, but don’t notice
everyone’s so politically correct they daren’t say anything.
them. My wife says people talk about ten fingers, but they’re
They smile like Stepford trolley-dollies. The rictus grin and
wrong. It’s eight and two thumbs.
the words aren’t sincere; I know they’re dying to ask, but
So apart from two thumbs, I actually have ten fingers.
they daren’t. Instead they throw the change on the counter to
Maybe I’m a work in progress.
avoid touching my hand again.
Children are great because they have no inhibitions. Their
www.brightoncow.co.uk
parents are embarrassed when they ask me about my hands,
email: info@brightoncow.co.uk
but kids need to know that nature sometimes has a laugh at
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22 August 2010 kemptownrag.co.uk
Following Shanks Pony in Chesworth is running over the
first three weekends in October 2010
Sun 3rd of October, 10am - 5pm
meeting at Chesworth Arts Farm, Horsham, walk through the parkland
taking in the space, listening and looking, collecting sound and visuals
(with camera, sketch pad etc). We’ll stop en-route at a pub for a lunch
opportunity, back at the farm you can relax, enjoy the exhibition of
previous walks, up-load your images and talk about your experience.
(day fee £5).
Sun 3rd of October, 10am - 5pm
two-day workshop leading to exhibition, facilitated by the artists Nickova
and Mr.Eugene, to demonstrate/ learn /practice how you can use the
sound recordings and photographs from the walk to create a sound-
visual expression, including paint on canvas and digital sound on a
computer. Places are open to all over 16 years old but limited in number,
on a first come first served basis.
Sat 16th October 10am - 5pm
Participants of the workshop, working with the artists creating the new
installation of walks including the new expressions.
(Workshop Fee £95, or £45 depending on funding *see below)
Sun 17th October, 10am – 5pm
Public exhibition of Following Shanks Pony at Chesworth, and discussion
forum, to explore the experience and talk about collaborations. Special
guest artists: Susan Diab and Lynn Weddle, open to all, please register.
Light refreshments will be provided over all days (we will ask for
donations for drinks on the exhibition opening), you need to bring your
own lunch (for the walk bring some money as we will stop for lunch in a
pub). Other equipment will be supplied.
Total cost for 4 days participation: £100 per person (depending on
funding there will be a 50% reduction *see below).
Taking part in the artists led walk (1 day including preview of
exhibition and light refreshments): £5
Participating in the sound-visual workshop and creating installation
(3 days): £95 (price will be reduced to £45 depending on funding *see below).
For more information email Nickova@hotmail.com
or call 077 66 66 2003 or go to http://myspace.com/shankspony
Please register your interest by the 17th September:
email Nickova@hotmail.com or call 077 66 66 2003
*An application has been made to the Arts Council England to part-fund the
project, the result is still pending, please indicate your level of interest and if
dependent on reduced rates.
We hope that you will find the project exciting and look forward to
welcoming you as a new ‘follower’!
Nickova and Eugene
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August 2010 kemptownrag.co.uk 23

Green Paws
When: Every Saturday
(guaranteed up until end of September 2010)

Location: Open Market, London Road

Offer: Free picture of Brighton Street Art with

donations of £8 or more

Mission: To purchase land and buildings for the benefit

of the communities

Website: www.greenpaws.org.uk

Da Vinci Code
Written across the wall of the cave were the
following symbols:

It was considered a unique find and the writings were said

to be at least three thousand years old!
The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum,
and archaeologists from around the world came to study
the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after
months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the
markings.

The President of the society pointed to first drawing and

said: "This is a woman. We can see these people held
women in high esteem. You can also tell they were
intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, so they were
smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.
The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools
to help them."

Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish

which means that if a famine hit the earth and food didn't
grow, they seek food from the sea. The last symbol appears
to be the Star of David which means they were evidently
Hebrews.

The audience applauded enthusiastically.

Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the

room and said,
"Idiots, Hebrew is read from right to left...

It says: 'Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Chick

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