Mukhammad 1

Mariam Mukhammad

Professor Julia Intawiwat

English 111

3 September 2017

Essay 1

I believe in the buried, out of reach (invisible) fear of abandonment.

It is sometimes unrecognizable and intangible to the person who lives with it.

Sometimes, it feels as if you can place a finger on it but usually it just slips through the gaps. It

can be something that you live with which alters every interaction you have but can almost never

be recognized.

When I was four years old, my father left for a trip to visit his mom in Pakistan with what

I perceived as an intent of coming back. About six months later all phone calls and

communication stopped and I was left with no clue as to why I would never talk to my dad again.

When I was five, six, and seven years old no one could explain why my father was no longer in

my life. It was hard for everyone to talk about it, so I was left with little to no idea of whether he

was even alive. I was told by my aunt, who was only five years older than me and much like my

sister, that he might have died in a big earthquake that occured in Pakistan. I believed that this

might have been the case for longer than I maybe should have but for a long time it helped me

cope and was the only explanation I had as to why my dad did not come back for me. At age

eight, I moved across the world to live with a man my mom was marrying and I put my trust into

him to take care of me and be the dad I almost didnt remember having. As the years went on

and I turned nine, ten, eleven, and twelve my attitude began changing and as my eyes were

opened I began losing hope of ever having a strong male figure in my life that would really care
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about me. However, I came to a point in my life where I gave up seeking that father-figure

and the childhood anger towards my father left me. I realized that I would probably never have a

dad in my life that loved me unconditionally, but that it was okay.

In all those years after my father had left, I never really cried for him until I was about

14 years old and sitting in the middle of a classmates presentation about his life. He mentioned

that just like me his dad left when he was four years old and that, just like me, his only close

relative connection was with his mom. Out of nowhere, I burst into tears right then and there and

began crying uncontrollably. The whole episode was so bad I had to call my parents to pick me

up and take me home from school that day. It was the only time ever I remember feeling that

sorry for myself and missing my dad that much.

In the years to come I have noticed hints of that sadness and fear creep up on me. When it

came even to the most platonic relationships and friendships in my life, I always seemed and still

seem to question peoples intentions. I over think every relationship and almost always end up

separating myself from others because I plant the seed into my mind that I care more about them

then they do about me. I dont ever truly trust in any relationship I build because, in my life, they

have all had an expiration date. The people I have imagined being a part of my life for years have

almost all stopped caring about or left me. Because of what I learned from all my past

relationships I find myself diving into new ones with chains that hold me back. The worst part is

that the wall that keeps me from getting too close to people is not always noticeable at first.

Everything is great when I begin a new friendship or start talking to someone but it gets harder

and harder to not question whether they care about me as I begin caring more and more for them.

As people have opened up to me recently, I realize that I am not the only one dealing

with similar feelings. It is hard to trust in any relationship when you have been left by people you
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cared about most in the world. Everybody has their own way of coping, and I do cope well for

the most part with the emotional pain of my dad leaving. However, I frequently find myself

thinking in the very back of my mind that the person in front of me who I care so much about is

using me for the moment but will leave when they find someone better. I find myself thinking

that there are so many others that are less odd or, maybe, more patient that me that those who I

care about can turn to. Those are the feelings I cannot run from that only reveal themselves

around the people I love most. That is why I believe in the a deep rooted fear and worry of being

abandoned or left by every person who comes into your life because you never want to believe it

but can never help losing those you love because of it.