American Journal of Sexuality Education

ISSN: 1554-6128 (Print) 1554-6136 (Online) Journal homepage: http://www.tandfonline.com/loi/wajs20

Selections from Unequal Partners: Teaching about

Power, Consent, and Healthy Relationships

Kirsten deFur

To cite this article: Kirsten deFur (2016) Selections from Unequal Partners: Teaching about
Power, Consent, and Healthy Relationships, American Journal of Sexuality Education, 11:2,
149-159, DOI: 10.1080/15546128.2016.1174025

To link to this article: http://dx.doi.org/10.1080/15546128.2016.1174025

Published online: 25 May 2016.

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 AMERICAN JOURNAL OF SEXUALITY EDUCATION
, VOL. , NO. ,
http://dx.doi.org/./..

LESSON PLANS

Selections from Unequal Partners: Teaching about Power,

Consent, and Healthy Relationships
By Kirsten deFur

ABSTRACT KEYWORDS
The Center for Sex Education recently published the fourth edi- Power; consent; healthy
tion of Unequal Partners: Teaching about Power, Consent, and relationships; adolescents;
Healthy Relationships, Volumes 1 and 2. Included here are two middle school; high school;
college
lesson plans about sexual consent selected from each volume.1
What does it take to give sexual consent? is reprinted from
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Volume 1; and Enthusiastic consent: What is it and how do I do

it? is reprinted from Volume 2.

What does it take

to give sexual consent?
By Sue Montfort, MAT, CHES and Peggy Brick, MEd, CSE2

Objectives
By the end of this lesson, participants will be able to:
1. List the conditions necessary for giving consent to a sexual behavior.
2. Describe common situations that young people face, based on the conditions
of consent.
3. Demonstrate their own ability to consent.

Audience
Middle adolescents (ages 14-17)

Rationale
In order to determine whether a sexual behavior is appropriate in a particular rela-
tionship, at a particular time, in a particular place, a person needs to understand

CONTACT Kirsten deFur kirstendefur@gmail.com

Both lessons are taken from Montfort, S., & Brick, P. (). Unequal Partners: Teaching about power, consent, and healthy
relationships (th ed., Vol. and ) (K. De Fur, Ed.). Morristown, NJ: The Center for Sex Education. Copyright by
The Center for Sex Education, and are reprinted with permission.
Sue Montfort, MAT, CHES, and Peggy Brick are the original authors of Unequal Partners, and co-authors of the new
fourth edition of Unequal Partners: Teaching about Power, Consent, and Healthy Relationships.
The Center for Sex Education
 150 K. DEFUR

the concept of consent. Consent is a particularly important idea for young people
to grasp, as they make choices about their relationships. In this lesson participants
practice assessing a situation for the ability of an individual to give sexual consent.

Lesson outline
Introductions, Group Agreements and Purpose (See The Lesson Essentials, p. 3)
Guidelines
Consent Situations
Would You Be Able to Consent?
Conclusion

Materials
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Easel paper/whiteboard
Handout: Guidelines for Consent
Easel paper or signs, prepared with one of each of these statements:

ABLE TO GIVE CONSENT

NOT ABLE TO GIVE CONSENT

Educator Resource: Consent Situations (Prepare large cards with one different
situation for each pair of participants; also make a copy of all the situations for
participants to read together later.)
Note: Most of the situations deal with sexual intercourse, because that behavior
puts people at risk for pregnancy, sexually transmitted infection and abuse.

Procedure
Guidelines
1. Begin the lesson by asking, Can anyone think of a time when you, or some-
one you know, agreed to do something you didnt really want to? You may
want to give an example from your own experience. Ask for a few volunteers
and jot the basics of the situation on the easel paper/whiteboard. What are
some reasons why people sometimes agree to do something they dont really
want to do?
2. State that sometimes a person agrees to do something with a sexual partner
that they dont want to do. This lesson gives participants a chance to exam-
ine the conditions necessary for a person to be able to agree to freely and
safely engage in any sexual behavior. Distribute the Handout: Guidelines for
Consent. Review the handout, clarifying any questions participants have.
Discussion Questions:
a. How easy or difficult would it be to adhere to these guidelines?
b. What might make it challenging to adhere to these guidelines?
 AMERICAN JOURNAL OF SEXUALITY EDUCATION 151

c. If one of your friends was having trouble understanding consent, what might
you tell them?

Consent situations

1. Note that free, knowledgeable and unpressured consent is important for

many shared behaviors and activities and in all relationships. This next activ-
ity will give participants a chance to examine these consent guidelines in real
life situations. Explain that although about half of adolescents do not have
sexual intercourse, many of the situations in this lesson involve intercourse
because of the importance of being very clear about what consent means with
this particular behavior.
2. Post the easel paper or signs prepared with the statements ABLE TO GIVE
CONSENT and NOT ABLE TO GIVE CONSENT. Distribute one card each
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from the Educator Resource: Consent Situations to pairs or small groups of

participants. Ask them to identify, based on the limited information given,
one way the person on their card seems either able or not able to give consent,
and why.
3. Now, distribute copies of the complete Educator Resource: Consent Situa-
tions so participants can follow all the situations more easily. Ask one person
from each pair or group to post their card under the ABLE or NOT ABLE
signs, read the situation aloud, and tell why they decided to place their person
where they did. With each situation, ask the other participants:
Do you agree or disagree with the placement, or the reasons? Why?
What questions would you ask the person in the situation to determine
how able they are to give voluntary informed consent?
Discussion Questions:
a. What reactions do you have to the consent situations?
b. What other situations can you think of where consent may be in question?
c. How can reviewing these situations help you in the future?

Would you be able to give consent?

1. Ask participants to turn back to the Handout: Guidelines for Consent. Invite
them to reflect on the guidelines, and think about them as if they are a check-
list for engaging in sexual activity. Ask participants to share ideas on how they
would change each guideline into a question to ask oneself when considering
engaging in a sexual activity with a particular person, at a particular time, in
a particular place.
Discussion Questions:
a. How helpful can these guidelines be for somebody who is thinking about
engaging in a sexual behavior? Explain.
b. If someone looking at this list realizes they are not able to give voluntary,
informed consent, what could that person do?
 152 K. DEFUR

c. If a person does not know what a sexual behavior involves, how to

prevent unwanted pregnancies and sexually transmitted infections, or which
sexual relationships are illegal in their state, how can that person find out this
information?

Conclusion

1. Distribute notecards to all of the participants. Conclude the lesson by asking

participants to complete the following sentence, writing their response down
on a notecard:
The most important thing about consent is
2. Collect all of the cards and either read all of them aloud yourself, or redis-
tribute to the participants and ask them to read the card they receive aloud.
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 AMERICAN JOURNAL OF SEXUALITY EDUCATION 153

Handout
Guidelines for Consent
To be able to freely and safely consent to a sexual behavior, a person needs to:
1. Know exactly what the sexual behavior involves.
2. Be able to decide whether or not to engage in that sexual behavior, with that
partner, at that time, at that place.
3. Understand their own feelings about engaging in that sexual behavior, with
that partner, at that time, at that place.
4. Talk with their partner about their feelings and decisions.
5. Decide with their partner what methods to use to prevent unwanted preg-
nancies and sexually transmitted infections.
6. Know the local law regarding age of consent.
7. Be able to identify when a situation may be harmful.
8. Recognize warning signs of abuse or being controlled.
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Note: This handout does not intend to suggest that the responsibility for sexual
assault belongs to anyone except the person committing the abusive behavior.
Source: Taverner, W. J. & DeMarco, C. (2006). Verbal informed sexual consent assessment tool
(VISCAT). For further information contact Taverner@ptd.net.
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154

Mike
Pedro
K. DEFUR

Consent Situations
Educator Resource
 AMERICAN JOURNAL OF SEXUALITY EDUCATION 155

Enthusiastic consent
What Is It and How Do I Do It?
By Kirsten deFur, MPH

Objectives
By the end of this lesson, participants will be able to:
1. Define the term enthusiastic consent.
2. Discuss the difference between consent and enthusiastic consent.
3. Practice communicating about enthusiastic consent.

Audience
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College-age students (ages 1822)

Rationale
The common standard for sexual activity is that consent be verbal, ongoing and
enthusiastic! When consent is enthusiastic, all individuals involved in a sexual
encounter clearly understand that everyone is willing, and excited to be engaging
in that particular sexual activity. However, many young people have not had an
opportunity to discuss how consent can enhance a sexual experience, especially
since discussion of sexual activity rarely acknowledges pleasure and desire. This
lesson helps participants examine the meaning of enthusiastic consent and practice
communicating enthusiastic consent.

Lesson outline
Introductions, Group Agreements and Purpose (See The Lesson Essentials, p. 3)
What Is Enthusiastic Consent?
Consent Communication Pinwheel
Conclusion

Materials

Easel paper
Markers
Handout: Enthusiastic Consent, Defined
Educator Resource: Consent Communication Cards (Copy and cut into sepa-
rate cards. Make sets with a random assortment of cards so that each participant
will have at least five cards.)
 156 K. DEFUR

Procedure

What is enthusiastic consent?

1. Ask participants to share what comes to mind when they hear the term con-
sent. Write their responses down on one side of the easel paper. Once 10 to
15 responses have been shared, ask participants to share what comes to mind
when the adjective enthusiastic is put in front of the term consent. Write their
responses on the other side of the easel paper.
Discussion Questions:
a. What is the difference between consent and enthusiastic consent?
b. What are the advantages of adding the adjective enthusiastic?
c. How might enthusiasm impact a sexual encounter?
2. Hand participants copies of the Handout: Enthusiastic Consent, Defined. Ask
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participants for their thoughts about the definition. Invite four volunteers to
read the four quotes aloud and ask for reactions to each.

Consent communication pinwheel

1. Highlight that consent is all about communication, both verbal and

nonverbal. Let participants know they will be communicating about con-
sent in a variety of ways, to practice both getting information from a part-
ner and giving information to a partner about how the sexual encounter is
going.

2. Divide the participants into two groups, the inside group and the outside
group. Instruct the inside group to form a circle, facing outward. Instruct
the outside group to form a circle, facing inward, so that each person is
across from another person. Tell the participants to spread out as much as
possible.

3. Give each participant one set of communication cards from the Educator
Resource: Consent Communication Cards. Tell participants that the cards
have a request for a demonstration of communicating about consent. Tell the
inside group to pick a card from their set at random and read their commu-
nication card aloud. Tell the outside group to respond accordingly. Direct the
participants to switch roles, and the outside group read a card aloud for the
inside participant to respond to.

4. Direct the outside group to move to the right to face the next person. Instruct
the outside group to first read their card for the inside group to respond.
Repeat the activity until all the outside group participants have been paired
with all the inside group participants. Let participants know its OK if they
get the same request more than once. Encourage them to come up with a
different response if they have a repeated request.
 AMERICAN JOURNAL OF SEXUALITY EDUCATION 157

Discussion Questions:
a. What was that activity like? Was it easy? Difficult?
b. What happened if you received the same request more than once?
c. What can be challenging about communicating about consent?
d. What can be challenging about communicating about pleasure and desire?
e. What can help someone feel more comfortable about communicating about
enthusiastic consent?

Conclusion

1. Conclude the lesson by passing out notecards to the participants and asking
them to write down a quote about enthusiastic consent. Invite participants to
share their quotes as they feel comfortable.
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 158 K. DEFUR

Handout
Enthusiastic Consent, Defined

enthusiastic consent
adjective \in-th-ze-as-tik, en-, also -thy-\ : feeling or intransitive verb \kn-sent\ : to agree to do or allow
showing strong excitement about something something : to give permission for something to
happen or be done

What a few smart people say about enthusiastic consent:

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 Sex should be entered into joyfully and enthusiastically by both partners, and
that an absence of no isnt enough yes should be the baseline requirement.
Jill Filipovic, in her essay Offensive Feminism in Yes Means Yes!

 The genuine desire for sexual pleasure and the expression of that desire should
be an accepted standard.
Cara Kulwicki, in her essay Real Sex Education in Yes Means Yes!

 The idea of enthusiastic consent is all about making sure that your partner
is genuinely into having sex that you are getting clear and unambiguous
signals that he or she wants to [do it].
Dr. Nerdlove, in the blog post Getting a Yes (Instead of Avoiding a No)
 Consent is a yes a million times over, for the love of all things sparkly, awesome
and delicious, and not a minute longer if you want to do it too, please, yes.
Heather Corinna, in an essay posted on Scarleteen

Sources
Merriam-Webster. (n.d.). Enthusiastic. Accessed at http://www.merriam-webster.com/
dictionary/enthusiastic
Merriam-Webster. (n.d.). Consent. Accessed at http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/
consent
Filipovic, J. (2008). Offensive feminism: The conservative gender norms that perpetuate rape
culture, and how feminists can fight back. In Friedman, J. & Valenti, J. (Eds.). Yes means yes!:
Visions of female sexual power and a world without rape. California: Seal Press. p. 1328.
Kulwicki, C. (2008). Real sex education . In Friedman, J. and Valenti, J. (Eds.). Yes means yes!:
Visions of female sexual power and a world without rape. California: Seal Press. p. 305312.
Dr. Nerdlove. (March , 2013). Getting a yes (instead of avoiding a no) the standard of enthusias-
tic consent. Retrieved from http://www.doctornerdlove.com/2013/03/enthusiastic-consent/
Corinna, H. (2010). Drivers ed for the sexual superhighway: Navigating consent. Retrieved from
http://www.scarleteen.com/article/abuse_assault/drivers_ed_for_the_sexual_superhighway
_navigating_consent.
 AMERICAN JOURNAL OF SEXUALITY EDUCATION 159

Educator Resource
Consent Communication Cards

1. Give a verbal example of enthusiastic consent 2. Give a nonverbal example of enthusiastic consent.

3. Give an example of consent that is not enthusiastic. 4. Whats one question you can ask a partner in order
to see if theyre interested in
_________________? (fill in the blank)

5. What can you say to nd out what gives a partner 6. Give an example of how you would express a
pleasure? particular sexual desire.

7. Give an example of determining if someone has 8. What can you do/say to make sure someone is STILL
enthusiastically consented. enthusiastically consenting, once youve started
being sexual?

9. Give an example of how to check in with a partner. 10. What can you say to make sure a partner remains
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comfortable and feels safe during sex?

11. Give an example of a point at which consent needs 12. What can you say to a partner who has
to be communicated. misinterpreted nonverbal communication?

13. What can you say to a partner if youre confused 14. Whats a good way to start a conversation about
about consent? ways to clarify consent during sex?

15. Give an example of something you can say to 16. What can you say to a partner to tell them that
conrm that consent is enthusiastic. youre uncomfortable with a particular sexual
activity?

17. Give an example of how you would overcome 18. Give an example of what you would say if you
being embarrassed to talk about a particular desire. changed your mind about engaging in a sexual
activity.

19. How might you respond if someone changed their 20. Give an example of consenting to one activity, but
mind about having sex? not another one.