Samantha Magpusao

Mrs.Hood-Esparza

Humanities POD 1

Fall 2017

106

>BREATH<

The taste of chicken was getting old for me at this point.

I became SO used to eating the same thing everyday. I couldnt even enjoy my favorite type

of meat anymore. It was the same daily routine. I waited impatiently by the door, tapping

my foot rapidly ready to beat other people to the microwave. >PAUSE<

This was my everyday lunch routine during the Winter of 2016. >PAUSE<

My sophomore year >SLOW DOWN< I made the choice to become a two sport

athlete. Basketball and Wrestling.

The way my season worked was ...when I didn't have basketball games I had

wrestling practice, everyday in between I had basketball practices and on the weekends

wrestling tournaments.

Month of February.
 6:45 am my alarm rings. I wake up to the sound of my annoying iphone alarm that

goes off every morning, with heavy eyes from lack of sleep. My body aches as I roll out of

bed.

7:05am I make my way downstairs. Usually, I'm the type of person that does not eat

breakfast

I just was never hungry that early in the morning. But, doing two sports I forced

myself to eat. I knew I was going to need the energy for later. I open up my refrigerator, and

reach for the chilling mason jar with overnight oats.

This was my first. out of 3 meals of my day.

11:30am, advisory time. Every. single.day I looked forward to advisory. It only

meant 20 more minutes till lunch. My knee moved in a constant up and down motion as I

watched students pass the hallways. I don't remember much of advisory. I only

remember the. crave for food. >PAUSE<

Snacking wasnt a thing for me so the only food in my stomach at this point were

the overnight oats I had for breakfast...

Everyday I knew what I had for lunch. My mouth became so familiar of the taste of

chicken and its rubber like texture. My food wasnt even good anymore but, I just wanted

something. I. needed something to slightly fill my stomach.>PAUSE< Chicken and broccoli

was the second prepared meal of everyday. I had it 7 days a week for lunch and dinner. On

lucky days my mom would throw in some cauliflower. >CUE IMAGE<

 2:30pm-6:00pm. Depending on the day I either had practice or a game. As captain of

the girls basketball team I would prioritize basketball whenever it overlapped with

wrestling.

It was tough on me mentally trying to push myself through a game or practice when

all that was on my mind was my last. meal...Sports used to be outlet for me to decompress

and get away from school and it was, except I couldn't escape the feeling of temptation of

breaking my diet... or the wanting of time to pass so that I could sleep and numb this

feeling but, these feelings followed me everywhere. For 3. whole. months

11:00pm. When the sun fell and night came my stomach grumbled asking for food

but, I didn't want to give it any. My body was weak. I needed food, but I needed to make

weight. Every night I fell asleep to the tossing and turning trying to distract myself from my

empty stomach. The discomfort of lying there knowing I have the power to just get up and

eat drove me crazy. My self control was being tested.

The way wrestling works is that we are categorized in weight classes. 101lbs, 106

lbs, 111 lbs, and so on. The tournaments before CIFs I had to maintain the weight class of

111 lbs. Im a small girl, I'm 51, competing in two sports, maintaining weight should be

easy I thought. I started the season at 116 lbs. So why didn't I compete in that weight class?

>CUE IMAGINE OF SARINA AND I<

Growing up I competed in the martial arts called Judo. Growing up my best friend,

Sarina and I were put up against each other. I had to fight my best friend. Every

tournament we would compete for 1st place. It was the most awkward and

uncomfortable thing. We would have no coaches coaching us, and had no one cheering.

It's just something we absolutely HATED. Why would I want to purposely fight my best
friend. So that meant for me dropping 5 pounds and going on a strict meal prep diet. She

was in wrestling before me so who was I to take her weight class.

The week of CIF was one of the hardest weeks of my life. In order for Sarina and I to

compete I had to drop down to 106lbs. I went from 116 lbs to 111lb to 106lbs.

My diet became so strict I had to start watching my water weight. During my

basketball games I would wear a long dri fit shirt so that I could sweat more and would

limit my water intake. Keep in mind I was barely eating at this point. I became so afraid of

being Overweight or not qualifying that I switched my lunch and dinner to salad. I

practiced 10x as hard to make sure I was burning fat and worked out in hoodies to sweat

more. I did not want the reason that I couldnt compete was because I didn't make weight.

The thought of how many people including myself I would disappoint if that would have

happened.

>CUE IMAGE OF BASKETBALL< It was after a hard and long basketball game against

Grossmont High.

A day before CIFs.

The entire game I felt terribly weak. I needed food.

After the loss I am angry because of the lack of food in my body. I threw my stuff in

the car and I sat in complete silence. Without food it affected me physically, but

emotionally I was angry. I hated not being able to eat whenever I wanted or whenever I

pleased and what was I doing it for? For a medal? I wanted to break my diet but, I

couldn't bring myself to. >CUE IMAGE< I wanted it. I love sports, I love being an athlete

but that didn't stop me from hating the process.

 Another thing that seemed to fit into my daily routine. The distracting noise of my

mother.

The same chatter she always gives me after my basketball games. You should have

done this, Why didn't you do this, drive the ball in more, shoot more, slide your feet

and there I sit in silence. Its nothing I hadnt heard before. I just don't know what I

was more tired of. The basketball game or the high expectations of my mother. The car

stops and they pull into a fruteria. I knew I wasnt going to eat anything. I was angry. The

fact that my family had the audacity to get something to eat when they knew I was

starving.

I laid there in the back of my car so weak the only thing that felt slightly better was

closing my eyes and pretending I was somewhere else. My eyes slowly shut and I escaped

everything for a little while. The car stops, my eyes fluttered open up to a dark night and

big bright lights that read Chuze fitness >CUE IMAGE< I knew exactly what I was there

for. I walked in and slumped down at the first sight of a couch and fell asleep for 5 minutes.

Then I heard my mom and the front desk person arguing. I had no idea what the issue was,

I think it was something about our membership expiring. The only thing I remembered was

blurbs of my mom's highly irritated voice.

NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, SHE HAS CIFs TOMORROW AND IF SHE DOES

NOT MAKE WEIGHT SHE WONT QUALIFY

My mom is passionate. She's always been passionate. In all my sports. She just

expects a lot. She wants me to go far,

sometimes I think she wants it more than me.

 They exchanged words again and my mom eventually said Follow me

I walked into what led me to the steam room >CUE IMAGINE OF STEAM ROOM< I

took off my shoes and walked into a 105 degree room. It was hard to breathe. The air was

hot. I tried to breathe through my nose but the humid heat was so heavy it was difficult. I

laid up against the wall and closed my eyes. The walls were dripping with water and the

glass door was blurred from the steam. Anxiety crept into my mind. I had the thought of the

door shutting and my mom and I being stuck in there. What would I do in that instance? I

thought that we would just die because I felt too weak to even think about kicking the glass

door down. This thought had made my heart race. I needed to get out. 15 minutes was the

maximum amount of time you were allowed to stay and I bolted out after 10. I dried off and

went back home.

Only ten more hours till CIFs, only ten more hours to weigh in, and only ten more

hours till I could eat or drink.

Day of CIFs

The locker room was full of girls who looked terribly weak, and skinny. They

separated us depending on which weight class we were trying to qualify for. While waiting

everyone was socializing. All potential opponents were speaking to each other about their

dieting, and working out. I stayed in my own little space, I didn't say a word. to any of them.

I didn't want to show any weakness.

It was my turn to weigh in >CUE IMAGE OF SCALE<. Down into spandex and my

sports bra I didn't realize how much physical change appeared in my body till then. My

stomach was flat and not the good kind of flat. My arms had no jiggle like how it normally
does, I was skinny. I stepped onto the scale and watched the numbers 105.3 flip back and

forth to 105 and finally froze at 105 lbs. I made weight.

Match Time >CUE IMAGE OF MATCH<

I jumped up and down..... slapping my body to get blood circulating. I was composed

on the outside. Straight face.. and a well composed stance... but on the inside fear

entered my mind.

High Tech - Samantha?

I raised my hand

Youll be red

It was officially time. I took the red ankle band, bent down and placed the velcro

onto my right ankle. As I waited for the reff I stood there with all eyes. stuck on me. >CUE

IMAGE< My beating heart sank to my empty stomach... meeting the millions of butterflies

that fluttered around.

Shake hands

I reached out to my partner's hand and she met mine in the middle. She had long

legs and was nervous too. We were waiting for the whistle to blow. At this point I heard

nothing but the sound of my heart beating and saw nothing but, my partner in front of me.

I felt the adrenaline being carried through my body causing my heart to beat so fast. The

sense of nervousness seemed to trump everything I was feeling up to this point. My

hunger, weariness, and weakness.

Before I knew. the whistle blew.>CUE IMAGE of match< It took a while for us to engage.

We continued to circle around the mat until finally she made contact >CUE IMAGE< .. I

pushed her backwards to have some momentum and I picked her ankle timing it >CUE
IMAGE< and she fell on her back. The crowd. went. wild. I held her neck tightly >CUE

IMAGE< and hoped for the best. After 5 or so seconds of pinning her the ref blew his

whistle.

I just qualified for state championships. >CUE IMAGE< Out of eleven girls in my

weight class I just placed 2nd in CIFs >CUE IMAGE<, but, I didn't feel as happy as I

thought I would be. I thought about my basketball team. What.. do I do? I had to make

the decision of either go to state or help lead my basketball team to being CIF champs.

This was the first year we made it to playoffs for basketball. This was the hardest

choice to make and the sucky thing was that I was the only. one who could make it.

Do I let my team down? Or do I give up this opportunity that I have worked so hard

for?

I thought long and hard about everything I put myself through. I went to state the

routine was the same but, the stakes were higher.

>PAUSE<

The same feelings will soon come up. Everyday will soon become a circulatory

system. >CUE IMAGE< A schedule that is never ending. The same way the heart >CUE

IMAGE< pumps blood through a looping system is the same way my passion and love for

sports fuels my motivation to continue to put myself through this routine of dieting,

aching, and working out.

>PAUSE<

Except this time my heart and its valves are filled with plaque I call expectation.

Causing my heart to be filled with

much...
More

pressure.