Life Strategies

Recommendation
Phillip C. McGraw, Ph.D., better known to Oprah Winfrey fans as Dr. Phil, has
popped out a refreshingly in-your-face contribution to the self-help genre that
doesnt beat around the bush. You will not be asked to commune with your inner
child or vent your anger and pain. Instead, Life Strategies is a prescription for action,
complete with stories, including about Oprah. Each chapter contains at least one
writing assignment, designed to stimulate honest inquiry and to challenge even your
most basic assumptions. These culminate in a meticulously detailed set of
instructions for creating your life strategy. Organized self-starters will love the lists
and matrices, but even readers who dont plunge into the assignments will gain fresh
insights into their behavior. getAbstract prescribes this bouncy book to anyone
seeking a step-by-step plan for self-assessment and realistic life change. Cynics need
not apply.

In this summary, you will learn

How common behavior patterns keep people from getting what they want in
life; and

The 10 laws for counteracting these patterns and taking charge of your life.

Take-Aways
Dr. Phil has ten rules for life. The first one is: You either get it, or you dont.
Become one of those who gets it. His other rules are:

You create your own experience. Acknowledge and accept accountability for
your life.

People do what works. Identify the payoffs that drive your behavior and that
of others.

You cannot change what you do not acknowledge. Get real with yourself about
your life and everybody in it.

Life rewards action. Make careful decisions and then pull the trigger.

There is no reality; only perception. Identify the filters through which you
view the world.

Life is managed; it is not cured. Learn to take charge of your life.

 We teach people how to treat us. Own, rather than bemoan, how people treat
you.

There is power in forgiveness. Open your eyes to what anger and resentment
do to you.

You have to name it before you can claim it. Get clear about what you want
and take your turn.

Red Alert

Our society is experiencing an epidemic of unhappiness. The divorce rate is more

than 50%. Depression and suicide are increasingly common, and violent crime is
omnipresent. In response, the so-called self-help industry has pumped out multiple
books and gurus, but this isnt helping, people are not getting any happier. The
pharmaceutical industry has responded with waves of antidepressants and anti-
anxiety drugs, but without effect, emotional health continues to go downhill.

The root cause of all this misery is that people have simply forgotten how to live
harmoniously together. Whether you are conscious of it or not, you may find that you
are engaging in self-reinforcing behavior patterns that prevent you from getting what
you want out of your life.

Some of these common behaviors are:

In this war we call life, most of the decisive battles are fought within you.

Denial - If you refuse to accept something, you cant change it.

Relying on untested assumptions - The opposite of open-mindedness.

Inertia - The paralyzing effect of fear and denial.

Keeping a stiff upper lip - If you dont speak out and admit that you need help,
you may not get it.

Not realizing that behavior is a conscious choice - Even the behavior of denial.

The key to change is realizing that you have conscious control over these behaviors. If
your life is not working the way you want it to, it is time to try something different.

When it comes to managing our own emotional lives, and training our children
how to manage theirs, were out of control but desperately pretending otherwise.
Dont worry; you dont need any special tools or years and years of therapy. All you
need is the willingness to honestly evaluate your behavior and consciously change
what is not working for you in a positive way.

Try applying these 10 Life Laws:

The First Life Law: You Either Get It, or You Dont.

Every situation in life has rules. While many of them are of the unwritten variety,
they are rules nevertheless, and if you dont know them and you dont obey them, you
wont succeed. The problem is that when it comes to interpersonal relationships,
most of us have never been taught the rules, and we dont know who to ask. The trick
is to find an old-timer who knows the ropes. Fortunately for you, "the ropes" for life
and relationships are outlined in these "Life Laws."

Being able to predict the behavior of others can be almost as powerful as being
able to control it.
The most important strategy for "getting it" is becoming a student of human
behavior. If you know why people do what they do, that knowledge is power. Include
yourself in your scrutiny. Knowing why you act the way you do gives you the power to
change your behavior. Most people have common characteristics, including a fear of
rejection, a need for acceptance and a certain level of self-interest. Look for these
traits in others and in yourself, and you will soon be on the way to "getting it."

The Second Life Law: You Create Your Own Experience.

You are accountable for your life. If you step up and take responsibility for your
choices - not just your future choices, but all your past choices - you will begin to see
clearly what behaviors you need to change. This flies in the face of the cult of
victimhood that makes up the bulk of pop psychology. But pop psychology hasnt
solved our epidemic of depression, so its time to try something different.

Sometimes, the hardest part in learning something new is unlearning the old way
of doing it.
Taking responsibility for your life and your actions is not the same as blaming
yourself for all your misfortunes in life. Of course, you were not responsible for the
choices that others made when you were a child. But you are responsible for the
choices you make now and how you live with the results as an adult.

Remember, thoughts are behaviors, too, and they are powerful. If you often think
negative thoughts, you are programming yourself to live a certain way. Your thoughts
can directly affect your energy level and therefore your health. Furthermore, consider
how you present yourself to others. The rule of reciprocity states that others will react
to you based on what you give them to work with in your relationships.

The Third Life Law: People Do What Works.

Most people have, at one time or another, done something despite "knowing better:"
 You will never, ever fix your problems by blaming someone else. That is for losers.

Dieters know better than to overeat.

Workaholics know better than to neglect their children.

Smokers know they shouldnt smoke.

Partygoers know better than to have "one for the road."

Yet people still continue to choose to do these things. The reason is simply that on
some level, they are getting something desirable from the behavior they choose. This
concept is called "payoff."

As you seek to understand why you act in certain ways, look hard and honestly at
what you are getting out of what you are doing.
If you wonder why you continue to behave in a certain way, look for your payoff.
Monetary payoffs may convince you to work long hours instead of spending time
with your family. The psychological payoff of feeling loved may drive you to give in to
pressure from a partner. Payoffs can also be spiritual, physical or achievement-based.
If you realize how you are paying yourself off for certain behaviors, you can create
change. For any behavior you cant seem to shake, ask yourself, "what am I getting
out of this?" For many people, these payoffs are based on the need for acceptance
and the fear of rejection.

The Fourth Life Law: You Cannot Change What You Do Not
Acknowledge.

Denial is very powerful. In extreme cases, people are grateful for the ability to "block
out" the memory of traumatic experiences. But in most ordinary situations, people
have a tendency to wish problematic facts werent true rather than dealing with them
head-on. This strategy wont work, because such problems seldom simply vanish.
Instead, you skate ever closer to the edge, not realizing you are in danger because
such a realization would be upsetting. Its time to get real. Yes, the truth can hurt, but
its the only way to freedom.

The Fifth Life Law: Life Rewards Action.

What you intend to do doesnt matter. What matters is what you actually do. That is
how the rest of the world measures you, so you should start to evaluate your behavior
(and that of others) based on results, not intentions. Dont let yourself or anyone else
make excuses.

Your life is not too bad to fix, and its not too late to fix it. But be honest about what
needs fixing.
The winners in life may not have the deepest insights or the purest intentions, but
they have the willingness to take action where losers hang back. Fear of rejection, or
of failure, may be holding you back, but this fear is nebulous and elusive. If you try
 something and fail, chances are you can handle that specific event and move on. The
fear itself may be worse than the worst result you can imagine. The only real failure is
to stop trying.

The Sixth Life Law: There Is No Reality; Only Perception.

Many relationships founder because the people in them "see things differently," not
because one of them is wrong and the other right. Wouldnt it be wonderful if
partners could acknowledge their differences, instead of arguing about who is right
or wrong? The fact is, everyone has a set of filters through which he or she views the
world. Some are harmful and prejudicial, while others are neutral or even
constructive. The important thing is to recognize their existence.

People dont care about your intentions. They care about what you do.
Once you realize that you have a choice about how you perceive the world, you can
choose your reactions to events that befall you. Instead of viewing events through a
filter created by your history and failing to test those assumptions, take charge and
refuse to be limited by your past experiences.

The Seventh Life Law: Life Is Managed; It Is Not Cured.

If there was a manager in charge of your life, how would you rate that persons job
performance? Chances are, youd be tempted to fire your manager. Unfortunately,
you cant fire the manager, because you are your own life manager. Use the same
standards to evaluate yourself as a life manager as you would to evaluate any other
employee.

Motivate and educate your life manager to accept important responsibilities

including:

You control your perceptions. Therefore, you control your interpretations of and
attitudes about your life. That is power.

Spending emotional energy on your problems before those of others.

Naming your fears and dealing with them instead of living with nebulous
worries.

Not letting frustrations build up until you overreact to a trivial slight.

Keeping your word, both to yourself and to others.

No matter how perfect your life is, you will always have problems or difficulties.
Success in life requires managing these effectively as they happen.

Starting now, begin each and every day of your life with the question: What can I
do today to make my life better?
The Eighth Life Law: You Teach People How To Treat You.

This Life Law is related to the third Life Law (people do what works). If you dont like
the way people treat you or you feel you are getting a raw deal in a given relationship,
consider what that persons payoff is for treating you that way. He or she must be
getting something desirable as a result of this behavior. You can choose how to react,
and whether to keep paying someone off for treating you poorly.

Remember that a relationship is a mutual endeavor, and even behavior patterns that
have been ingrained over years or decades can be renegotiated. This may come as a
shock to the other person; most people strongly resist changes in the status quo. Do
not let guilt trips get to you. If you back down from your decision to change your
partners payoff, nothing will really change. So stick with it.

The Ninth Life Law: There Is Power in Forgiveness.

Anger, hate and resentment are strong and destructive forces. If you are carrying
around resentment from your past, bitterness will build up to toxic levels within you,
and spill over to every area of your life. If you allow this to happen, you are giving
your history a powerful hold over you, and allowing your past to control your future.

You either contribute to or contaminate every relationship in your life.

A person who has hurt you may not deserve forgiveness, and you may have a right to
be angry and hurt. However, forgiveness is about the forgiver, not the wrongdoer.
Forgiving someone else means refusing to let their past deeds determine how you live
your life now.

If you let someone elses misdeeds bind you to them in anger and pain, then you are
letting them win. Forgiveness is a gift to yourself, not to them.

The Tenth Life Law: You Have to Name It Before You Can Claim It.

Do you know what you want out of life? Most people have a vague idea, and are much
more clear about what they dont want than what they do want. How can you expect
to get what you want if you dont even know what it is? It is essential to name exactly
what you want as specifically as possible. You may want to be happy, but what makes
you happy and what makes your neighbor happy may be completely different. Your
life goals must be specific to you. If you know what you want, you can plan the steps
necessary to achieve it, and youll be ready to grab it when it comes along.

Now that youve learned the 10 Life Laws, make them a conscious part of your
everyday life and be prepared for insights and changes. You are ready to create a
personal "Life Strategy" based on your goals. Be very specific about each area of your
life. You have the power to decide what behaviors you want to change, how you can
stop paying yourself off for negative behaviors and who you can enlist to help you.
You have the tools; theyve been within you all along.