Psychological Jujitsu/Aikido/Alchemy —

"Conversation Stoppers"
Blogs about inhabiting this present moment By Will Joel Friedman, Ph.D. Aug 5, 2010
Will Joel Friedman, Ph.D. is a seasoned clinician with experience working with adults,
couples, families, adolescents and older children since 1976. His aim ...Read More

Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.
—Albert Einstein

I don’t believe in any philosophy that doesn’t help raise corn!

—Sun Bear

What can the martial arts of Jujitsu and Aikido along with the ancient study of Alchemy have to offer
us in the quality of our psychological lives? Actually these ancient studies and practices have a great
deal to contribute to the quality of our relationships with others and in adapting these skillful
approaches to see, witness and surrender being an accomplice to the defeating hi-jinks of our ego-mind.
The core principle in the Japanese martial art of Jujitsu, literally meaning the “way of yielding” or the
“art of softness”, is to use and redirect an attacker’s energy back to him, instead of directly opposing it.
Similarly, the fundamental principle behind the Japanese martial art of Aikido, meaning “the Way of
unifying (with) life energy” or “the Way of harmonious spirit”, is to blend with the motions of the
attacker and thereby turn the force of the attack back to its source by using very little physical energy.
Thus, one “leads” the attacker’s momentum using various movements, rather than opposing it head-on.
The commonality of these two martial arts is an enacting of an effective way to defend oneself while
often protecting the attacker from injury as well. Both aim at deflecting an attacker’s energy and
actions by yielding and blending with the attacker instead of directly opposing, resisting or attacking.
The fine art of what has been called psychological Jujitsu or psychological Aikido are high-level
approaches to self-defense using these core principles to turn and lead, deflect and redirect, another’s
critical, negative, manipulative and emotionally aggressive behavior back to the one who is enacting it.
Psychological Jujitsu aims to maneuver in such a fashion that all the destructive energies of those who
believe they can attack you with impunity, are reversed, turned and redirected back to its source,
disabling them and their destructive behaviors. Buddhists in uncovering their “Buddha nature” suggest
using “skillful means” to help facilitate inner peace, reflect outer equanimity and all have a ring of
authenticity. Little understood and less practiced, psychological Jujitsu/Aikido is ever available as it is
seen, understood, practiced and installed through repeated behavior that produces greater effectiveness.
Related to these martial arts practices of Jujitsu and Aikido and predating all sciences, including
chemistry, physics, and the behavioral sciences, there was Alchemy. Alchemy’s fundamental principles
are reportedly rooted in the ancient Persian Empire, now called the Middle East, and the practice has
spread to the Far East and then Europe spanning at least 2500 years. Alchemy means the art of
transformation or change. The best known goals of alchemists were the transmutation of common
metals like lead into precious metals like gold and silver.
Perhaps the ultimate quest of alchemy is to transmute lead into gold. Lead (atomic number 82) and gold
(atomic number 79) are defined as elements given the number of protons each possesses. Of course,
changing the element does require changing the atomic (proton) number. Chemical means cannot alter
the number of protons. At the same time, physics may be employed to add or remove protons, thereby
change one element into another. According to chemist Anne Marie Helmenstine, “Because lead is
stable, forcing it to release three protons requires a vast input of energy, such that the cost of
transmuting it greatly surpasses the value of the resulting gold.”
Surprisingly, Helmenstine also declares that the transmutation of lead into gold isn’t just theoretically
possible—it’s already been achieved! Glenn Seaborg, 1951 Nobel Laureate in Chemistry, reportedly
succeeded in transmuting a minute quantity of lead into gold. There is an even earlier report in which
Soviet physicists at a nuclear research facility near Lake Baikal in Siberia accidentally discovered a
reaction for turning lead into gold when they found the lead shielding of an experimental reactor had
changed to gold.1

In the field of Psychology Carl G. Jung wrote of alchemical symbolism and individuation, viewing
alchemy as comparable to a Yoga of the East adaptable to the Western mind in changing the mind and
spirit. What is termed Internal alchemy or Spiritual alchemy is used in various esoteric disciplines that
focus on balancing internal and spiritual energies, such as in the practice of Taoism in China, mystical
practice of Rosicrucianism and Hermeticism, and Buddhist practices.
So how can we use the principles of Alchemy, Jujitsu and Aikido for our transformation and our
unworkable patterns of unassertive or passive acquiescence of displacing and dumping anger, bullying,
intimidating, and nasty behavior? Every approach below has as its keystone, that is, the critical middle
block that holds up a bridge, of first building bedrock sanity, that is, taking a few moments to awaken
and be present as well as witness the ego with its need to control and fear-mongering tactics, idiocies
and shenanigans. Attuning to this now moment and witnessing the imaginary ego-mind are the essential
precursors for all these approaches to have every opportunity to beautifully work for anyone.
One approach is the fine art and practice of what I call “conversation stoppers,” that is, literally
stopping conversations you have no interest or want to be in. Most of us, especially women in the
female socialization process, learn the art of opening conversations using “small talk” with possible
friends. These conversation openers or starters can be useful in greasing the social machinery and
helping there be a natural flow of slowing disclosing yourself to another and vice versa. Men would
seem to take little note and less interest in such matters, opting for letting mutual interests, opinions and
“opening lines” attract new friends, especially the opposite sex. What neither females nor males seem
to realize is the remarkable skillful means of using “conversation stoppers” when you no longer want to
continue a conversation or even continue associating with another. Using them can stop conversations
from hell.
Quite regularly words are not even what practically works in life, yet when coupled with actions,
they’re the best tools we have to use. A pair of “conversation stoppers” demonstrates their power. One
that can end a blaming exchange on a dime is an ancient Chinese proverb that goes, “Talk doesn’t cook
rice.” A similar one comes from Sun Bear, a native American Chippewa Indian, who questioned the
“philosophy” of national governmental agencies, specifically the Bureau of Indian Affairs and the
Bureau of Land Management, in sending representatives to Indian reservations to “teach” this highly
practical and spiritually imbued culture to do the simplest activities like irrigation, growing crops and
so on. American Indian tribes often have a staple crop that is central to their culture. Sun Bear
effectively puts a “full stop” and end to this idiotic conversation by declaring, “I don’t believe in any
philosophy that doesn’t help raise corn!” Obviously raising corn takes more than just a bunch of fancy
words.
When psychological jujitsu, aikido and alchemy are applied to interacting with others who act in ways
that are less than respectful, it is deftly swift and effective. What do you do when someone makes an
outlandish request, asks an outrageous question, or voices an insulting remark? Knowing you need not
answer such vocalizations and you also do not have to take insult in the face of insulting behavior or be
in outrage when affronted with outrageous scenes, you can remain cool as a long drink of iced tea. You
might ask, “What was that you said?”, have the remark repeated, and then reply, “That’s what I thought
you said!” and simply without any reactivity walk away. You might pause, take a slow deep breath and
let it out between your teeth with a lightly audible sigh. You might look in astonishment, smile broadly
and gently shake your head a little. Each of these responses signals the so-called attacker that it’s not
getting to you. I’m reminded of a favorite Gary Larson Far Side cartoon from the early 1980’s that
depicts a man pushing a filled wheelbarrow while smiling and whistling in the burning flames of hell,
and one devil remarks to another, “You know, we’re just not reaching that guy.”
Take the classic situation of anyone calling you some derogatory name or falsely accusing you of some
misbehavior. Using humor you can brashly say, “That’s right—why wouldn’t I accept that you’re
innocent when you’re screaming the loudest?” Or, “How do you figure I’m at fault when I can’t help
but notice someone acting out and pointing the finger at me?-Gee I just don’t get it!” Or possibly, “I
figure it’s the outraged accuser that’s actually orchestrating all of this like a distraction, don’t you?” Or
consider, “Well who exactly is stirring the pot and acting outlandishly? Any guesses?” A very brief or
pithy approach that joins in the movement and turns it back to whom dealt it leaves you quite clean and
the other party quickly regrouping, counterpunching or simply leaving in seeing he or she has nothing.
Take a situation in which someone is misdirecting and projecting their anger at you for something you
should have done or didn’t do, a common enough situation. Using the principles of psychological
jujitsu you softly blend, harmonize and redirect these energies back to the one who sent them in your
direction. You can simply remain poised, unemotional and non-reactively present in silence, with
neither a smile nor a frown on your face. You can take a deep breath and quietly release it. Feeling and
resonating with their suffering, you can show your compassionate concern for them by asking, “What
is this anger really about? What’s happened in your life?” and be quietly caring.
When asked from the heart and not the head, such questions are disarming and open space for truth
telling. Sometimes people begin to cry, turn inward and get in touch with what their angry upset is
really about, and even begin to tell some slice from the tragedy or unimaginable horror of their life. So
long as you remain open, caring and kind, everything changes in an instant. Now you both have some
idea what all that anger really concerned, which then can serve as a common ground for a shared
humanity.
If the accusation is wrapped in a false premise, like “How long have you been beating up your
spouse?”, then you can answer that you cannot answer since the premise inside the question is false,
and ask for a question that shows mutual respect. In the legal realm such a question is often objected to
on the basis of “assuming facts not in evidence”, that is, the other party hasn’t established the premise
that I beat up my wife in the first place! A classic humorous reply that simultaneously sets a clear limit
is to quickly shoot back with a sly smile, “Not as long as you have!” or “I don’t think I hold a candle to
you, you brute!” Of course, as the other party is totally outflanked and defenseless, you can simply
point out the ludicrousness of the original question. You also can set a necessary limit by firmly saying,
“If you cannot be respectful to us both, we have no point in continuing this interaction.” Each response
stops the “beat up” and leaves the other party with nothing to ponder other than their own behavior and
attitude.
Take the more extreme circumstances of a fun-loving but despondent friend insisting upon driving
home drunk. Using the principles of psychological aikido in joining or unifying with the attacker’s
energies you might say, “Sure, you drive home drunk with me in the car so we both can die together as
good buddies? That’s a swell idea, isn’t it?” Or you make a game out of it by taking his keys and
having him catch you and, when he’s worn out enough, you park him in the passenger seat and drive
him home safely. Alternatively, you say, “Well you can do that, but I’ll just safeguard your ride home
by calling the police to accompany you. That’s alright with you, isn’t it?” It’s unlikely he’s going
anywhere.
Feature being with your family that is known to treat you like a child, tell you what to do, or just
periodically get angry and insulting with you. Using the principles of psychological alchemy to turn
this base metal like lead into a precious metal like gold, you stay surprisingly present, grounded and
witnessing it all, including your ego’s urges to jump into feeling deep hurt, whiplash anger back or use
a variety of snide passive-aggressive strategies. Keeping your inner calm and equanimity, that is,
keeping your feeling/emotional balance without almost any reactivity, you show concern for the other
party’s health and well-being since such negative accusations and resentful hostility cannot be good for
anyone’s health, along with mentioning that you know that what is being said has nothing to do with
you. Then again if the verbal abuse does not stop even after you’ve said to stop and set necessary
limits, you might say their acting performance was “Pretty good,” but really not quite up the standards
they’ve set in the past. You lightly and briefly clap and somewhat smile, letting them know that none of
it got to you. Further, you let them know that if they insist on continuing the drama, you’ll call it an
early evening and bid everyone a lovely evening and a fond adieu, and then do just this, feeling great in
going.
Interactions with family members are particularly challenging since almost everyone seems to be
jettisoned back into early childhood or adolescence once again, almost like a strange time warp or
state-specific learning, and have a strong pull to react from this primitive ego stage. Wouldn’t it be
smashing to say, “That might have worked when I was twelve, and I’ve learned a thing or two since
then and I’m not going there with you”, or “Count me out, what else do you know?”, or “You really
must be joking?!” How about simply acknowledging, “Are there really any sides to a family? There are
no sides to a family—only the good of the family, and ALL the members of our family. Please join me
in this.”
What each of these very similar approaches and situations has in common is as simple as how you
contain a fire that just starting to look, sound and act like a runaway blaze. Starve the fire of all fuel,
kindling and wood while taking away all oxygen, and the fire has no choice but to go out. The policy is
a favorite one: feed no fires that end up burning you. You’ll stay cooler, the fire ends, and sanity reigns,
period. What unveils the power you already have is staying calmly present in mindful awareness,
refusing to hand your life over to the ego and all it’s past conditioning in taking everything personally,
and having the presence of mind purely as a tool to deflect and redirect the apparent attacker’s energy
back to them by asking questions and making statements that serve as conversation stoppers, and at the
same time place the legitimate responsibility where it belongs for the misdirected, projected behavior.
Founding father Thomas Jefferson knew that what is real is “self-evident” and needs nothing besides
the simple truth so stated to be enough. He deftly and eloquently expressed this in essentially drafting
the Declaration of Independence that begins with the words, “We hold these truths to be self-
evident…”
Not so surprisingly, possibly the primary usage of conversation stoppers is with one’s self, that is, who
you think you are or the imaginary sense of self, mind and ego. When you let your mind or ego go on
and on and on thinking the same thoughts over and over and over again, it’s not only not good, it’s
plain unworkable drudgery and often torture. How does anyone take the principles of Jujitsu, Aikido
and Alchemy and apply them psychologically to one’s fictive self or ego-mind? An apt reply is to
release all resistance to “what is” first and foremost, since the driving core idea inside of all stress is
resistance in the face of stressors that demand a change from us. No resistance, little stress. Once again,
all the means and approaches below draw upon first establishing a bedrock of sanity, that is, taking a
few moments to awaken to presence and witness the ego-mind with all its fear and control driven
shenanigans, idiocies and machinations. Attuning to this now moment and witnessing the optical
illusion of our ego-mind are the critical door openers for all approaches to have every opportunity to
wonderfully work for anyone.
One approach is to literally call the ego’s bluff, like someone who has no business playing poker since
he or she unrelentingly signals or gives a “tell” to what type of hand they’ve got. You may say, “I get
you’re bluffing and I don’t believe you.” Or, “I don’t buy it”, “I don’t get it”, “I don’t see it”, and “I
have no interest in that.” Or simply say, “I’m done—you’ve got nothing” and “Let me give you all you
deserve—absolutely nothing.” A favorite of mine is, “I won’t let you take up space in my head rent
free! You are officially evicted! So there.” You could always enact the Robot flaying its arms back and
forth saying “Danger, Danger, Will Robinson!”, a catch phrase from the 1960’s American television
series Lost in Space. While everyone is cracking up, the parody gives welcome comic relief and leaves
the apparent attacker without any wind in his or her sails. As has been said in many different ways: tilt,
the game is over; break it up, the action’s all over; and, you all can go home now, so let’s move along.
An intriguing angle is to join with the ego-mind by giving it a task that actually sidelines, dissolves and
disappears it. Since the ego wants to please you so it can stay in business till the moment you drop
dead, it has a heavily staked interest and huge investment in you. Knowing this, you can give it a really
cool task that sends it packing, at least for a while. For example, ask it to spot worry, fear and
catastrophic thoughts, and once it does, release it to freely roam in it’s dreamlike imaginary pasture.
You may prefer to have the ego bring to your direct attention negative judgments, beliefs and ideas that
have been terrorizing you. When it does, you profusely thank it for doing its job so well and again
dismiss it with good cheer to take a long vacation and holiday anywhere in the world or universe. You
might give it the task of identifying all the “pressure words” that prescribe action, such as using should,
must, ought, gotta, have to, need to, and so on. Once it signs up and identifies one for you, you
gratefully acknowledge it, and again send it packing to play on its own on the playground. After each of
these interventions, you can take a few deep breaths, go on an very brief visualized vacation yourself
and completely take all the pressure off yourself, let go, allow, release, permit, yield and surrender
everything in peace, and once again return to being yourself, who you truly are.
Still another strategy using psychological jujitsu, aikido and alchemy is “stopping the world” of the ego
and returning to sanity though the use of inquiry or asking a poignant question that exposes the charade
and game for just what it is. Here are seven of the most powerful inquiries that accomplish this:
1. Are you being reactive or responsive?
2. Would you rather be right or be happy?
3. Is this wrong like murder?
4. Do you want your life or your ego’s version, imitation and simulation of your life?
5. Is what the ego wants and desires more important than what draws the True Self?
6. Need life be different than it is in this moment or can you accept exactly “what is” now?
7. How much longer do you want to continue your drama and argument with life?
May this highly practical journey, slip-sliding through the thick jungle thicket of humans behaving
badly using the powerful skillful means of psychological Jujitsu, Aikido and Alchemy, provide you a
powerful toolbox, forum and context to deflect and redirect, blend and harmonize, mirror and send
back all that is not yours, and remain exactly as you are—the True Self, your Original Nature and who
you truly are. Remarkably, when these means are most infused with compassionate love coming
through the heart, the gift offered evokes a mutually healing with truth, wholeness and sanity present
once again.