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Harley M Storey
“The Life Coach Toolman”
Dear Subscriber
Here are your coaching tools from our eBook 101 Tools Life Coaches Use®.
Please don’t assume that the short tools are insignificant, they are just as useful as the more
extensive tools.
To make them easy to understand and use, each tool opens with a brief introduction and explanation
in blue italics.
The Table of Contents below contains active links so you can go straight to the tool by clicking its
name!
Also don’t forget about the excellent free Life Priorities Tool you can get by clicking here.
If you have any feedback, comments or suggestions, I'd love to hear them, please email me at
harley@life-coach-tools.com
Kind regards
Harley M Storey
CEO, Managing Director
Paradigms Life Coaching Limited®
P.S You may be wondering why we said we would send you 20 tools and we’ve sent you 25?
Well, we like to under-promise and over-deliver - and we didn’t think you'd mind us giving you
another 5 Bonus Tools!
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TABLE OF CONTENTS
VIDEOS! ..........................................................................................4
My Dream Partner 27
Reflective listening 28
Relationship Cycles 29
Score Your Dream Partner! 31
Relationship circle 33
How well do you know your partner Quiz? 34
When you … I feel … 35
A quick lesson in speaking Martian! 36
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VIDEOS!
As you know I am the Life Coach Toolman – if you'd like to check me out in some crazy
You Tube videos just click the link or video below!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M_EsvoUxLW8
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ou6tgfhEptY
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c64mIGGhhOc
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This gives people some tangible evidence of their accomplishments and something to refer
to when they experience moments of insecurity during the coaching process and in future
life.
One client, who was feeling rather unmotivated, wrote this out and posted it by his bed so
he could read his unique qualities and achievements first thing in the morning whilst he
was still lying in bed. He said it gave him a boost first thing in the day!
How To:
Here’s how to do your very own Super Self tool:
o list at least twenty things that you are good at or can do well – maybe
including cleaning your teeth!
Try reading this to yourself out loud every morning for a week !
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You can use these labels or, if there is a specific area of your life you would like
to examine just substitute a category.
7
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Write 1 if you are unsatisfied in this area and up to 10 if you are totally satisfied.
What are the 2 areas you would most like to move forward?
3. Moving forward …
How would you feel if you could significantly move forward in these 2 areas?
1.
2.
4. Action
What actions can you take to start moving forward in these areas?
1.
2.
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Step 1
• The biggest obstacle that stops me loving and approving of myself is ……………….
• I am afraid of ………………………………………………………..
Step 2
Now you have identified your false beliefs, go back and re-do the exercise writing how
you would like to be. For example:
to
When under pressure I … think about the situation calmly and ask for support.
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ME
Partner Mother
Designer
• Try drawing another Roles Wheel the way you would like things to be.
• Are there any differences with your first roles wheel and the second
one showing how you would like things to be?
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Tool:
• the next time you are tempted to buy something – you can purchase it but you
will have to wait until your card thaws out, remember you can’t microwave it or
you will destroy your card!
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Change brings loss and loss brings grief. But loss can also represent freedom, and
change, like the tender fronds of a fresh green shoot, represent the start of something
new ...
Exercise:
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“The hardest arithmetic to master is that which enables us to count our blessings.”
Eric Hoffer
What's “Wrong?”
It is often very easy to answer the question “what’s wrong” in our life.
What's “Right?”
Similarly, it is wonderful to be able to take a breath when we want to, to drink a glass of
water, to eat whenever we like, or have the blessing of good eyesight.
If we were without these things we would be thinking about acquiring them, but when we
have them, it is so easy to take our blessings for granted.
This exercise can help us redress the balance of what's really right and wrong in our life
…
Exercise:
• On one piece of paper, list all of the things that are “wrong” in your life –
don’t be afraid to be negative – get it all out!
• On the other, write a list of all the positive things in your life right now,
including everything that’s “not wrong.”
• When you have finished, place the two pieces of paper side by side and
ask yourself …
• When you have decided which list is best for you to dwell on, discard the list
you do not wish to focus on - throw it away, maybe even bury or burn it, if
you wish to make this a memorable event.
• Try reading the remaining list every morning for a week and see what
happens!
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Conflict Tool
Exercise:
Write down what they are doing that causes the problem
• ask yourself,
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Tool:
• Set aside some quiet time to write a letter that no one will read, but will help you
to reveal your hearts messages and wisdom.
• Write at the top of the page the question you want an answer to, such as
“How do really I feel about Sam?” or “How do I feel about my job”
• Write down all the things you wish you could say, what you wished you
could've said, etc – basically getting it all out.
• Include all the memories – positive and negative – you can remember.
• Try not to analyze what you are writing – just let it flow from the heart. Write
without judgment – just put down whatever comes to your mind – we will
analyze it later.
• When you have finished, leave it for a few hours before reading it, or better still
sleep on it.
• As you read over what you have written, highlight or underline anything that
strikes you as interesting, unusual or significant.
• These are the messages and the wisdom your heart is bringing through to you.
Think about what these messages are, and what wisdom your heart is revealing
to you.
• When the time is right, ask yourself what you would like to do with the letter? Put
it in a keepsafe box, place in a bottle and let it go in the ocean, burn it, bury it or
even send it.
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Tool:
The example below is for someone who is having problems finding Me-Time for herself
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Decisions Tool
Have trouble making decisions?
Do you make a decision … and then change your mind?
Are you always “second-guessing” yourself?
Do you feel like the stakes are much higher than they actually are?
Feel like you are a failure at making decisions - try this Decisions Tool!
Tool:
• Are decisions neither “good” nor “bad”, but just decisions you make at the time
with the knowledge and awareness you had?
• If there is such a thing as a “wrong” decision, what happens if you make one?
Do you learn?
• Does beating yourself up help in any way?
• Try saying “next time I will…” rather than “if only I had…”
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Do A Stress Inventory
If you are feeling a bit low but can’t put your finger on why, a stress inventory is a great way to get an idea
of what you have on your “emotional plate.”
Draw up a page with 3 columns for the Event, the Date it occurred, and its Score
+ denotes the event could score higher (eg. Financial stress at 5+ could be 7)
++ denotes that the event could score much higher (eg. Sick child at 4++ could be 9)
10 Terminal Illness
9+ Death of someone close
7++ Serious Illness / Hospitalization
7++ Divorce
7++ Job loss
6++ A child born
6++ Family / Relationship conflict or estrangement
6++ Sick / infirm dependants (including parents)
6++ Moving countries / state
6+ Parents into a retirement home
5++ End of relationship
5+ Moderate Illness
5 Conflict with friends
5+ Financial stress
5+ Moving house
5+ Chronic health issues / Mild depression
5+ A new significant relationship
4++ Sick child
4+ A pet dying
3+ Last child to leave home
2+ A new job / role
2 Holiday
1+ First child to leave home
1 A child starting school
1 A new pet
1 A new car / major possession
1 No exercise
1 Bad diet 18
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A score over 3 during this time is considered moderate change and likely to result in
moderate stress.
A score of 5 or over during this time is considered significant change and likely to result in
high stress.
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Tool:
• Do you feel stressed and harassed during the day, like you're always
doing things to please others rather than yourself?
• Do you find yourself doing things you really don’t want to do and
continually acting out of obligation?
Part of being an adult is learning to put the needs of others, such as our children or
employer, ahead of ourselves. But we can become so used to doing what we feel we
should do, or living by the expectations of others that we lose touch with ourselves.
If we stop listening to our hearts voice, eventually we won't recognize it. Then we wonder
why our life is so dry and un-spontaneous!
We need to re-open the conversation with our heart - to remember how to listen to our
heart and not just our head.
When you're feeling stressed or that you feel you have lost your center, ask yourself two
questions,
2. “I would like … ?”
Try to listen to the first thought – which will be from your heart –– not your head which
comes in with chatter and rationalizing afterwards.
If the message from your heart is possible and practical – then do it- take a break, call a
friend, pop out for a coffee, jump up from your desk and shout “Yes!”.
If this impulse is not realistic- like quitting your job - just note your hearts message until
its convenient to follow through, but be careful – this habit is life changing!
Why not try following your heart and doing one spontaneous thing every day?
And … if you really want to be immature and have fun in a boring, “grown up” situation,
ask yourself:
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The common factor in all these events is change. Change, even positive change, equates
to loss, and any loss requires an adjustment – this adjustment process is felt as grief.
An awareness of the stages of grief can help us to deal with the feelings that inevitably
accompany loss. If we are aware that what we are feeling is entirely normal and that
there “is a rhyme and a reason, a time and a season” we are better placed to be able to
accept and allow the process to work through us.
It should also be borne in mind that we are all different, so some people experience the
stages in varying orders, times or degrees of intensity.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining & Regret
4. Sadness
5. Acceptance
Denial
Denial is generally the first stage in the grief process. A part of us cannot accept that the
change or loss has actually occurred. We may feel numb or experience shock. This is our
emotions way of dealing with an unexpected and significant change.
An example would be hearing of the death of someone we loved – say our grandmother.
Anger
The next stage is us anger. We probably feel that the loss is unjustified, and ask “Why
me?”
In the bargaining stage, we are trying to come to terms with what has happened and may
regret what we didn’t or could not do.
We may regret that we didn’t spend more time with Gran while she was alive.
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Sadness
Feelings of sadness actually signal the end of the grieving process. Sadness is a very
positive emotion, it means we are beginning to actually feel the loss and come to terms
with it.
We may wish to end this stage and to “move on” as quickly as possible, but at such times
it is good to recall the medical maxim, “Patients need patience.”
Acceptance
The final stage in the first cycle of grief is acceptance, and represents that the healing is
complete.
We are starting to incorporate into our life and our thinking, the knowledge that our Gran
is gone and is not coming back.
Awareness of the stages of grief can help us to give ourselves permission to grieve and
heal. It can also increase our emotional competence because we are better able to
identify what we are feeling and why.
In addition to the above 5 Cycles of Grief there are also the phenomenon’s of
Transference and the Theory of 7 Cycles.
Transference
If we have not fully felt our loss, or if the loss is especially significant, we will probably
experience some degree of transference, where when we grieve over one event, and we
are actually feeling the grief over something else.
Using the example above, our grandmother may pass and we don’t feel much emotion,
but when our beloved cat unexpectedly dies we experience profound loss and feelings
out of proportion to the event.
This is a clue that what we are really dealing with is not our cats passing, but our unfelt
feelings over our grandmother.
7 Year Cycles
The phenomenon of the 7-Year Cycle will follow any significant loss, and is dealt with in a
separate tool “7 Cycle Theory,” part of 101 Tools Life Coaches Use® available from
www.life-coach-tools.com
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Feelings are like clouds. They look solid, but if you flew up to feel one you would find they
are just droplets of mist.
Also, like clouds, feelings come and go. When you open up to them, they pass over –
sometimes after raining, sometimes after thunder and lightning, but they always pass.
And even on a dark, cloudy day, the sky beyond is still blue and the sun is always
shining, it’s just that sometimes we can’t see it.
• The nature of feelings is that they're dynamic, when you sit with
them, they change. If it is too difficult to sit with it, just be with it
for as long as you are comfortable and then let it go.
• You can repeat this exercise as often as you like or when you
have time and space.
• Over time the feeling and more importantly your fear of the
feeling will dissipate.
• In time you may be able to see how the feeling served you or
kept you safe.
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Am I a Failure checklist?
This checklist will help you decide if you are a certified failure!
It is also an example of the way coaching offers new thoughts and perspectives and is a
tool I often use in my coaching as it seems most everyone has a fear of failure!
Exercise:
• If you have tried and failed (ie. the outcome was not what you expected)
does that mean …
• you have tried and failed at something or
• does that mean you're a failure as a person?
• Isn't a failure someone who never tries?
• Do you agree with the statement “A hero is someone who rides out to battle, is
defeated and returns home victorious?”
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Tool:
Write down your problem then ask …
Fun exercise …
Scenario: Imagine there is a hungry mosquito in the room whilst you are trying to
sleep.
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RELATIONSHIP TOOLS
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My Dream Partner
This tool helps you imagine the qualities of your dream partner. By making a quiz about
your dream partner you can create a clear picture of them in their mind.
When you have finished, you will have a list of the qualities you would like in a future
partner.
Then, when you meet them – you will be able to recognize them straight away!
For example:
Now write down the qualities you will bring to the relationship.
But when you meet someone, how will you know if they have those qualities?
Now, write down examples of how they will express those qualities and what actions
and behavior will demonstrate those qualities.
For example:
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Reflective listening
Verbal communication is inherently inaccurate means for the transfer of information and is
a skill we have to learn and develop. This tool is designed to enhance and facilitate
communication between couples.
Excellent communication is a very important life skill because by hearing the other person’s
point of view and in turn feeling heard yourself, means that half of the problem is resolved,
because both sides feel heard and validated.
If you see a guy and a girl together, chances are the girl will be talking and the guy will be
listening as on average women speak thousands more words a day than men!
However, neither gender is particularly good at communicating – often men just don’t
speak, and woman speak many words but don’t always communicate what they really feel.
Exercise:
• when they have finished, reflect back to them what you heard them say
• repeat the process with them listening and reflecting what you say
If you are interested in exploring this tool further, Dr. Harville Hendricks has written a
great book on this subject called Getting the Love You Want.
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Relationship Cycles
The exercise is used to identify patterns in relationships and to help determine if any
current relationship issues have their origins in earlier relationships.
This tool can also be used to see how, when and where relationships ended or broke
down and to help identify any patterns.
If you wish to examine potential patterns in Male Relationships, start with your most
significant early male relationship – usually your Father, or Father figure - and proceed
from there.
If dealing with Female Relationships start with your most significant early female
relationship – usually your Mother and proceed from there – to Grandmothers, Aunts, etc.
Under the Name column write their name. If a parent or relative use their name and
under relationship denote their relationship to you. eg. Patricia – Mother.
List them in chronological order, from the earliest relationship to the latest – from your
partner to your child for example.
Under Significant Features write your associations about the relationship. Go on feel
here and try and work from the heart not the head.
Under Clues / Patterns are there any patterns between the relationships – similarities or
opposites? Does anything stand out? Any significant associations between relationships
and people?
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Leave the Qualities column for now, and start with the Dad/Mum column.
If you wish to examine the qualities in a Male Partner, label the Dad/Mum column Dad,
and/or name an early male Father figure.
If you wish to examine the qualities in a Female Partner, label the Dad/Mum column
Mum, and/or name an early male Mother figure
st
Under the 1 Significant Partner column write the name of your first significant partner.
Complete the columns from left to right, from the 1st Significant Partner to the last. You
don’t want any more than 7 or 8, but you can repeat the exercise later with as many as
you wish.
Lastly, add in your Potential New Partner if you are thinking of one.
After you have written the names of your Partners, under the Qualities column write
down:
d) finally, add in the significant personality traits of your Father, if you wish to
examine Male Partners, or your Mother if you are looking at Female
Relationships.
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Now mark your partners off and see how they score.
Wealthy x x x x $ is nice!
Dads
qualities …
Angry x x x opposite x ½ do I like Angry
men? like Dad?
Felt Safe x x
Points 5 3 5 3½ 2 5½
Bob a Peter Tim Highest
Comments lot like Lowest Score!
Dad
Under Clues / Patterns are there any patterns between the partners? Any positive or
negative qualities which surprised you?
Look for similarities or opposites as a response to your Parental figure. For example, if
your Father was angry, you may be attracted to angry men or seek the opposite – very
patient and easy-going partners.
• has previously chosen a partner (Bob) that was very like her Father
• that her last relationship (Peter) was perhaps a poor choice
• that the potential new guy (Tim) looks like a pretty good candidate at this stage!
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Relationship circle
This tool helps clarify your relationships with the people in their life. It can be as simple as just writing the
names of those you have a significant relationship with and drawing a line representing the depth of the
relationship, or you can continue with the exercise until it is as detailed as the example below.
• Draw a line from you to the person’s name. The longer the line the closer the relationship.
• Go around and write one word you associate with each person as things are now
• Write next to their name and your word association a colour that comes to mind.
• How about adding yourself?
• Look at the order you wrote the names in. Anything interesting about who you wrote first or
last?
• Is there anyone significant you have inadvertently missed? In-laws, family, ex’s?
• Add a for those people who contribute positively to your life or a for those who are currently
take more than they give (this may be for valid reasons, eg. illness, divorce)
• When you have finished pick the top two people you would like to move issues ahead with
• Ask yourself what action you can take, eg. A phone call, a letter, a visit, etc.
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to get you and your partner talking, smiling, laughing and maybe more ...
• Get together with your partner.
• Print two copies of this questionnaire.
• Take one copy each and separately write down the answers you think your
partner would give to the following questions.
• When you have finished, swap your lists, score each other and laugh!
o favorite movie is
o favorite band or singer, or type of music
o favorite actor, actress
o favorite season
o favorite TV show
o favorite day of the week
o their hero
o favorite time of day
o favorite activity
o the quality they admire most in others
o favorite activity (when clothed!)
o best memory together
o who they are closest to in their family
o their best friend
o the personal quality they most appreciate in a partner
o favorite color
o their worst habit
o their best habit
o kindest thing you have done for them
o your most difficult habit for them to deal with
o the hardest issue for them to deal with
o the one word that best describes them
o if they were a car what car would they be?
• what color? what condition? where would you buy it?
o what they feel are your three best qualities
o the thing they would most like you to do, what they most want from you
o the way they would like you to communicate love
o what is their loving style – do they usually demonstrate their love by:
• kind words,
• loving actions,
• touch,
• acts of kindness,
• thoughtfulness when apart,
• giving gifts,
• quality time .
o why you think they love you
The Couples Needs Tool helps you identify what you and your partner need to feel loved and validated in
your relationship, and is available as part of 101 Tools Life Coaches Use® Upgrade Pack from
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You are reclaiming your power and taking responsibility for your feelings by
saying “I feel” rather than “You make me feel…”
You are also talking about the behavior – the not showing appreciation -
rather than condemning the person.
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With acknowledgment to the great author and all round funny guy, Dr John Gray who
coined the terminology that Men Are From Mars & Women Are From Venus
I designed this tool to help a lovely client communicate with her husband.
It is amazing when you are coaching to hear clients reply “No,” to the question, “Have
you told your partner what you're telling me now?”
Tool:
The first step is knowing what they are, so ask yourself:
1. What do I need … ?
2. I would like …
Now that you have identified your needs, your natural inclination will be to speak
Venutian and communicate this in phrases like:
I wish …
We never … (anymore!)
I wouldn't mind … sometime ….
Why can’t we … (& the clincher) … pleeease???
However, your Martian man can’t hear any of this – it's all too vague to him.
His communication needs are very clear and easy to understand – if he wants
something he asks for it - without feeling guilty.
Here’s how to translate all of the above into Martian … are you ready?
Just fill in the blanks and don’t be afraid to stand in your own space girl!
Here goes …
I want __________________________
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Paradigms Ltd
+ PLUS!
12 Awesome eZines
Here are copies of our 12 best eZine newsletters, including 3 Keys to Happiness, Dream
Up A New Life, The Depressed Preacher, etc!
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© Paradigms Life Coaching Limited. All International Rights Reserved.
Paradigms Ltd
www.life-coach-tools.com
38
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www.life-coach-tools.com
© Paradigms Life Coaching Limited. All International Rights Reserved.