You are on page 1of 38

Paradigms Ltd

Harley M Storey
“The Life Coach Toolman”

Dear Subscriber

Here are your coaching tools from our eBook 101 Tools Life Coaches Use®.

I hope you will find them interesting, challenging and fun!

Please don’t assume that the short tools are insignificant, they are just as useful as the more
extensive tools.

To make them easy to understand and use, each tool opens with a brief introduction and explanation
in blue italics.

The Table of Contents below contains active links so you can go straight to the tool by clicking its
name!

Also don’t forget about the excellent free Life Priorities Tool you can get by clicking here.

If you have any feedback, comments or suggestions, I'd love to hear them, please email me at
harley@life-coach-tools.com

Kind regards

Harley M Storey
CEO, Managing Director
Paradigms Life Coaching Limited®

P.S You may be wondering why we said we would send you 20 tools and we’ve sent you 25?

Well, we like to under-promise and over-deliver - and we didn’t think you'd mind us giving you
another 5 Bonus Tools!

Got this from a friend? Sign up below to get lots more free tools, coaching tips and inspiration! @
www.life-coach-tools.com
© Paradigms Life Coaching Limited. All International Rights Reserved.
Paradigms Ltd

TABLE OF CONTENTS

VIDEOS! ..........................................................................................4

How To Get Rid Of All Your Problems! 4


What Michael Phelps Does That You Don’t! 4
Is Your Glass Half Empty or Half Full? 4

GENERAL COACHING TOOLS ......................................................5

Your Super Self! 6


The Life Wheel 7
Flush Out Those False Beliefs! 9
Life Roles Wheel 10
Stop Your Spending! 11
Problems and Potential 12
Life is Garbage & Life is Wonderful! 13
Conflict Tool 14
Reveal Your Hearts Wisdom 15
The Porcupine Problem Solver! 16
Decisions Tool 17
Do A Stress Inventory 18
The Heart Language Tool 20
The Five Stages of the Grief Process 21
Feel The Feeling Tool 23
Am I a Failure checklist? 24
Infinite solutions tool 25

RELATIONSHIP TOOLS ............................................................... 26

My Dream Partner 27
Reflective listening 28
Relationship Cycles 29
Score Your Dream Partner! 31
Relationship circle 33
How well do you know your partner Quiz? 34
When you … I feel … 35
A quick lesson in speaking Martian! 36
3

Got this from a friend? Sign up below to get lots more free tools, coaching tips and inspiration! @
www.life-coach-tools.com
© Paradigms Life Coaching Limited. All International Rights Reserved.
Paradigms Ltd

VIDEOS!
As you know I am the Life Coach Toolman – if you'd like to check me out in some crazy
You Tube videos just click the link or video below!

How To Get Rid Of All Your Problems!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M_EsvoUxLW8

What Michael Phelps Does That You Don’t!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ou6tgfhEptY

Is Your Glass Half Empty or Half Full?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c64mIGGhhOc
4

Got this from a friend? Sign up below to get lots more free tools, coaching tips and inspiration! @
www.life-coach-tools.com
© Paradigms Life Coaching Limited. All International Rights Reserved.
Paradigms Ltd

GENERAL COACHING TOOLS

Got this from a friend? Sign up below to get lots more free tools, coaching tips and inspiration! @
www.life-coach-tools.com
© Paradigms Life Coaching Limited. All International Rights Reserved.
Paradigms Ltd

Your Super Self!


This is a simple tool I start almost every client with, and helps build confidence and self-
esteem going forward, because a wonderful way to increase self-confidence is to write
about your achievements.

This gives people some tangible evidence of their accomplishments and something to refer
to when they experience moments of insecurity during the coaching process and in future
life.

I have seen this little tool change lives all by itself!

One client, who was feeling rather unmotivated, wrote this out and posted it by his bed so
he could read his unique qualities and achievements first thing in the morning whilst he
was still lying in bed. He said it gave him a boost first thing in the day!

How To:
Here’s how to do your very own Super Self tool:

On a blank sheet of paper

o list at least twelve things that make you special

o list at least twenty personal achievements and successes – even if it's


learning to tie your own shoes!

o list at least twenty things that you are good at or can do well – maybe
including cleaning your teeth!

o list ten exceptional qualities or unique things about you

o write down at least one particularly attractive physical feature - even a


cute pinkie toe or particularly shapely ear lobe!

Try reading this to yourself out loud every morning for a week !

Got this from a friend? Sign up below to get lots more free tools, coaching tips and inspiration! @
www.life-coach-tools.com
© Paradigms Life Coaching Limited. All International Rights Reserved.
Paradigms Ltd

The Life Wheel


This is the first tool I do with a client and helps you get a snapshot of “where you're at”

• Get a blank sheet of paper


• Draw a large circle
• Divide the circle into eight segments – like a pizza – where each piece
represents an area of your life as it is now.
• Label each piece - as Health, Self-space, Personal Development, etc.

This Life Wheel is labeled with eight areas of life.

You can use these labels or, if there is a specific area of your life you would like
to examine just substitute a category.

The general categories are:

• Fun - Happiness, Hobbies


• Relationship - current or future Life Partner
• Career - Job satisfaction, Career path
• Family - Children, Parents, Relatives
• Social - Friends, Sport, Activities
• Health - Exercise, Diet
• Financial - Savings, Investments
• Creative - Self-space, Spiritual, Sport, Artistic

7
... / continued on following page

Got this from a friend? Sign up below to get lots more free tools, coaching tips and inspiration! @
www.life-coach-tools.com
© Paradigms Life Coaching Limited. All International Rights Reserved.
Paradigms Ltd

1. Assign a number from 1 to 10 next to each category.

Write 1 if you are unsatisfied in this area and up to 10 if you are totally satisfied.

2. Look at your scores.

What are the 2 lowest scores?

What are the 2 areas you would most like to move forward?

3. Moving forward …

How would you feel if you could significantly move forward in these 2 areas?

1.
2.

4. Action

What actions can you take to start moving forward in these areas?

1.
2.

Got this from a friend? Sign up below to get lots more free tools, coaching tips and inspiration! @
www.life-coach-tools.com
© Paradigms Life Coaching Limited. All International Rights Reserved.
Paradigms Ltd

Flush Out Those False Beliefs!


Before you can transform negative thoughts and feelings, you need to become aware of
them, so here’s a list of beliefs that may need updating!

Step 1

• When under pressure I ……………………….……………………….

• I often feel guilty about ……………………………………………………….

• When ………………………. happens I stress out and feel like ……………………….

• My Achilles’ heel (greatest weakness) is ……………………….

• I am always trying to stop ……………………..…………. from happening.

• When the unexpected happens I ………………………………………………………..

• I always try to ………………………………………………………..

• The biggest obstacle that stops me loving and approving of myself is ……………….

• What drives most of my behavior is …………………………………………….

• I am afraid of ………………………………………………………..

• I seek my ……………’s approval (always / mostly / usually / occasionally)

• My most frequent negative / uncomfortable emotion is feeling ………………….

• The feeling I dislike the most is ……………………….

• I need to learn to ………………………………………………………..

Congratulations – that took courage!

Step 2
Now you have identified your false beliefs, go back and re-do the exercise writing how
you would like to be. For example:

When under pressure I … panic

to

When under pressure I … think about the situation calmly and ask for support.

Got this from a friend? Sign up below to get lots more free tools, coaching tips and inspiration! @
www.life-coach-tools.com
© Paradigms Life Coaching Limited. All International Rights Reserved.
Paradigms Ltd

Life Roles Wheel


Feeling overwhelmed?
Feeling stretched by your life roles?
Do you feel the need to redefine or declare your boundaries?
This tool helps you to clarify your life roles and help establish boundaries and understand
your limitations.

ME

Partner Mother

Designer

Life Roles Exercise:

• Get a blank sheet of paper


• Head it “The Roles of my Life.” and apportion the roles in your life –
Mother, Partner, Employee, Sister, Daughter, etc.
• Draw a large circle
• Divide the circle into segments – like a cake – where each area
represents a role in your life. The bigger the piece the more important
it is.
• When you have settled on the relative sizes that each piece should be,
Label them, you may wish to color them also.
• What you have come up with. Any surprises? Did you allow for any
space for You?

• Try drawing another Roles Wheel the way you would like things to be.
• Are there any differences with your first roles wheel and the second
one showing how you would like things to be?

10

Got this from a friend? Sign up below to get lots more free tools, coaching tips and inspiration! @
www.life-coach-tools.com
© Paradigms Life Coaching Limited. All International Rights Reserved.
Paradigms Ltd

Stop Your Spending!

A great tool to help put the brakes on your spending!

Tool:

• Put your credit card in a bowl of water

• place in the freezer

• the next time you are tempted to buy something – you can purchase it but you
will have to wait until your card thaws out, remember you can’t microwave it or
you will destroy your card!

11

Got this from a friend? Sign up below to get lots more free tools, coaching tips and inspiration! @
www.life-coach-tools.com
© Paradigms Life Coaching Limited. All International Rights Reserved.
Paradigms Ltd

Problems and Potential


You may have heard the saying that every problem is an opportunity – but now about
turning problems into potential?

Change brings loss and loss brings grief. But loss can also represent freedom, and
change, like the tender fronds of a fresh green shoot, represent the start of something
new ...

Exercise:

• I have lost, what have I gained?


• If every problem possesses the seeds of its own solution, where is the
opportunity in my problem, and what are some possible solutions?
• What is something good about this situation, no matter how small or
insignificant?
• Does this situation have a positive aspect?
• Can I open myself up to my feelings a little more?
• What is something I can do to help me get in touch with my feelings?
• Who can I turn to for support?
• What can I take from experiencing this? What can I learn? How can I grow?
• Am I flowing with the situation, or fighting and resisting?
• How can I create faith for the future and strength to go on?

12

Got this from a friend? Sign up below to get lots more free tools, coaching tips and inspiration! @
www.life-coach-tools.com
© Paradigms Life Coaching Limited. All International Rights Reserved.
Paradigms Ltd

Life is Garbage & Life is Wonderful!

“The hardest arithmetic to master is that which enables us to count our blessings.”
Eric Hoffer

What's “Wrong?”

It is often very easy to answer the question “what’s wrong” in our life.

But what's “Not Wrong?”

However, it is a wonderful thing to have a non-headache or a non-toothache, but so often


we do not think of the joy of not having these problems until we experience them and
then wish them away.

What's “Right?”

Similarly, it is wonderful to be able to take a breath when we want to, to drink a glass of
water, to eat whenever we like, or have the blessing of good eyesight.

If we were without these things we would be thinking about acquiring them, but when we
have them, it is so easy to take our blessings for granted.

This exercise can help us redress the balance of what's really right and wrong in our life

Exercise:

• Get two blank sheets of paper.

• On one piece of paper, list all of the things that are “wrong” in your life –
don’t be afraid to be negative – get it all out!

• On the other, write a list of all the positive things in your life right now,
including everything that’s “not wrong.”

• When you have finished, place the two pieces of paper side by side and
ask yourself …

• “What is of the greatest use to me and what serves me


most – to focus on what's ‘Wrong’ or what ‘Not Wrong’?”

• When you have decided which list is best for you to dwell on, discard the list
you do not wish to focus on - throw it away, maybe even bury or burn it, if
you wish to make this a memorable event.

• Try reading the remaining list every morning for a week and see what
happens!

13

Got this from a friend? Sign up below to get lots more free tools, coaching tips and inspiration! @
www.life-coach-tools.com
© Paradigms Life Coaching Limited. All International Rights Reserved.
Paradigms Ltd

Conflict Tool

A handy tool if you are having issues with someone …

Exercise:

Write down what they are doing that causes the problem

• then write how you contribute to the problem

• ask yourself,

• “What can I do to stop things escalating?”


• “What is my responsibility here?”
• “What steps can I take to help resolve this problem or restore this
relationship?”
• Write down one of their positive qualities and focus on that.

14

Got this from a friend? Sign up below to get lots more free tools, coaching tips and inspiration! @
www.life-coach-tools.com
© Paradigms Life Coaching Limited. All International Rights Reserved.
Paradigms Ltd

Reveal Your Hearts Wisdom


This tool helps you move on from anything significant and gain insight into where you
are ‘at’ emotionally.

Tool:

• Set aside some quiet time to write a letter that no one will read, but will help you
to reveal your hearts messages and wisdom.

• Write at the top of the page the question you want an answer to, such as
“How do really I feel about Sam?” or “How do I feel about my job”

• Write down all the things you wish you could say, what you wished you
could've said, etc – basically getting it all out.

• Include all the memories – positive and negative – you can remember.

• Try not to analyze what you are writing – just let it flow from the heart. Write
without judgment – just put down whatever comes to your mind – we will
analyze it later.

• When you have finished, leave it for a few hours before reading it, or better still
sleep on it.

• As you read over what you have written, highlight or underline anything that
strikes you as interesting, unusual or significant.

• These are the messages and the wisdom your heart is bringing through to you.
Think about what these messages are, and what wisdom your heart is revealing
to you.

• When the time is right, ask yourself what you would like to do with the letter? Put
it in a keepsafe box, place in a bottle and let it go in the ocean, burn it, bury it or
even send it.

15

Got this from a friend? Sign up below to get lots more free tools, coaching tips and inspiration! @
www.life-coach-tools.com
© Paradigms Life Coaching Limited. All International Rights Reserved.
Paradigms Ltd

The Porcupine Problem Solver!


This tool helps you creatively brainstorm your problems - with a porcupine for inspiration!

Tool:

• Draw a circle on a blank piece of paper


• Put a little porcupine face on it!
• Draw lots of porcupine spikes around the body of the porcupine

o Write your Problem in the middle of the porcupine


o Write and label the spikes with possible Responses, Actions & Solutions
o Finally add any New Thoughts about the problem to spare spikes

Remember … when brainstorming there is no such thing as a bad idea!

The example below is for someone who is having problems finding Me-Time for herself

ask for help


take lunch
do nothing organize better
hire home help just do it!
start work earlier?
quit job!

work nearer home. or from home?

talk to Bob about helping out more


have a girls nite!!!

16

Got this from a friend? Sign up below to get lots more free tools, coaching tips and inspiration! @
www.life-coach-tools.com
© Paradigms Life Coaching Limited. All International Rights Reserved.
Paradigms Ltd

Decisions Tool
Have trouble making decisions?
Do you make a decision … and then change your mind?
Are you always “second-guessing” yourself?
Do you feel like the stakes are much higher than they actually are?
Feel like you are a failure at making decisions - try this Decisions Tool!

Tool:

• Make a list of decisions you have made and stuck to.

• How did they work out?


• What happened?

• Calculate approximately how many decisions you make every day.

• Is there such a thing as a “wrong” decision?

• Are decisions neither “good” nor “bad”, but just decisions you make at the time
with the knowledge and awareness you had?
• If there is such a thing as a “wrong” decision, what happens if you make one?
Do you learn?
• Does beating yourself up help in any way?
• Try saying “next time I will…” rather than “if only I had…”

• Is making a decision really such a big deal?

17

Got this from a friend? Sign up below to get lots more free tools, coaching tips and inspiration! @
www.life-coach-tools.com
© Paradigms Life Coaching Limited. All International Rights Reserved.
Paradigms Ltd

Do A Stress Inventory
If you are feeling a bit low but can’t put your finger on why, a stress inventory is a great way to get an idea
of what you have on your “emotional plate.”

• Feeling a bit flat and run down?


• Feeling unmotivated?
• What have you been dealing with on an emotional and mental level over the last
2 years?

Draw up a page with 3 columns for the Event, the Date it occurred, and its Score

Event Date Score /10

Record any significant changes in the last 2 years

• include positive changes, eg. A new job or house


• include changes in the lives of those people close to you, eg. children, parents, etc
• this list does not cover every situation, so feel free to add to them, and please email me
at harley@life-coach-tools.com with your suggestions!

Give every event a score from 1-10.

+ denotes the event could score higher (eg. Financial stress at 5+ could be 7)
++ denotes that the event could score much higher (eg. Sick child at 4++ could be 9)

10 Terminal Illness
9+ Death of someone close
7++ Serious Illness / Hospitalization
7++ Divorce
7++ Job loss
6++ A child born
6++ Family / Relationship conflict or estrangement
6++ Sick / infirm dependants (including parents)
6++ Moving countries / state
6+ Parents into a retirement home
5++ End of relationship
5+ Moderate Illness
5 Conflict with friends
5+ Financial stress
5+ Moving house
5+ Chronic health issues / Mild depression
5+ A new significant relationship
4++ Sick child
4+ A pet dying
3+ Last child to leave home
2+ A new job / role
2 Holiday
1+ First child to leave home
1 A child starting school
1 A new pet
1 A new car / major possession
1 No exercise
1 Bad diet 18
... / continued on following page

Got this from a friend? Sign up below to get lots more free tools, coaching tips and inspiration! @
www.life-coach-tools.com
© Paradigms Life Coaching Limited. All International Rights Reserved.
Paradigms Ltd

What is your score over the last 6 months?

A score over 3 during this time is considered moderate change and likely to result in
moderate stress.

A score of 5 or over during this time is considered significant change and likely to result in
high stress.

What is your score over the last 18-24 months …

A score over 5 is considered moderate stress


A score over 7 or over is considered high stress

If you are stressed …

• what can you do to de-stress,


• who you can get support from,
• how you can increase your emotional inputs – the things that recharge and renew
you?

19

Got this from a friend? Sign up below to get lots more free tools, coaching tips and inspiration! @
www.life-coach-tools.com
© Paradigms Life Coaching Limited. All International Rights Reserved.
Paradigms Ltd

The Heart Language Tool


It always surprises me that practically every client relates to this tool in some way!

Tool:

• Do you feel stressed and harassed during the day, like you're always
doing things to please others rather than yourself?

• Do you have problems making decisions about insignificant


matters?

• Are you unsure about what it is you really want?

• Do you find yourself doing things you really don’t want to do and
continually acting out of obligation?

Part of being an adult is learning to put the needs of others, such as our children or
employer, ahead of ourselves. But we can become so used to doing what we feel we
should do, or living by the expectations of others that we lose touch with ourselves.

If we stop listening to our hearts voice, eventually we won't recognize it. Then we wonder
why our life is so dry and un-spontaneous!

We need to re-open the conversation with our heart - to remember how to listen to our
heart and not just our head.

Here’s how to recognize your hearts voice:

When you're feeling stressed or that you feel you have lost your center, ask yourself two
questions,

1. “What am I feeling now?”

2. “I would like … ?”

Try to listen to the first thought – which will be from your heart –– not your head which
comes in with chatter and rationalizing afterwards.

If the message from your heart is possible and practical – then do it- take a break, call a
friend, pop out for a coffee, jump up from your desk and shout “Yes!”.

If this impulse is not realistic- like quitting your job - just note your hearts message until
its convenient to follow through, but be careful – this habit is life changing!

Why not try following your heart and doing one spontaneous thing every day?

And … if you really want to be immature and have fun in a boring, “grown up” situation,
ask yourself:

“What would I do if I was 5?” 20

Got this from a friend? Sign up below to get lots more free tools, coaching tips and inspiration! @
www.life-coach-tools.com
© Paradigms Life Coaching Limited. All International Rights Reserved.
Paradigms Ltd

The Five Stages of the Grief Process


Grief occurs as the result of the loss of something significant, such as the passing of a
loved one, a health crisis and also over something as seemingly insignificant as missing
out on a car park.

The common factor in all these events is change. Change, even positive change, equates
to loss, and any loss requires an adjustment – this adjustment process is felt as grief.

An awareness of the stages of grief can help us to deal with the feelings that inevitably
accompany loss. If we are aware that what we are feeling is entirely normal and that
there “is a rhyme and a reason, a time and a season” we are better placed to be able to
accept and allow the process to work through us.

It should also be borne in mind that we are all different, so some people experience the
stages in varying orders, times or degrees of intensity.

The Five Stages are:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining & Regret
4. Sadness
5. Acceptance

Denial

Denial is generally the first stage in the grief process. A part of us cannot accept that the
change or loss has actually occurred. We may feel numb or experience shock. This is our
emotions way of dealing with an unexpected and significant change.

An example would be hearing of the death of someone we loved – say our grandmother.

Anger

The next stage is us anger. We probably feel that the loss is unjustified, and ask “Why
me?”

We feel angry that we have lost “our Gran.”

Bargaining & Regret

In the bargaining stage, we are trying to come to terms with what has happened and may
regret what we didn’t or could not do.

We may regret that we didn’t spend more time with Gran while she was alive.

Common thoughts include "If only … “I wish … "Maybe if …."

21

Got this from a friend? Sign up below to get lots more free tools, coaching tips and inspiration! @
www.life-coach-tools.com
© Paradigms Life Coaching Limited. All International Rights Reserved.
Paradigms Ltd

Sadness

Feelings of sadness actually signal the end of the grieving process. Sadness is a very
positive emotion, it means we are beginning to actually feel the loss and come to terms
with it.

We start to feel profound sadness that Gran is gone.

We may wish to end this stage and to “move on” as quickly as possible, but at such times
it is good to recall the medical maxim, “Patients need patience.”

Acceptance

The final stage in the first cycle of grief is acceptance, and represents that the healing is
complete.

We are starting to incorporate into our life and our thinking, the knowledge that our Gran
is gone and is not coming back.

Awareness of the stages of grief can help us to give ourselves permission to grieve and
heal. It can also increase our emotional competence because we are better able to
identify what we are feeling and why.

In addition to the above 5 Cycles of Grief there are also the phenomenon’s of
Transference and the Theory of 7 Cycles.

Transference

If we have not fully felt our loss, or if the loss is especially significant, we will probably
experience some degree of transference, where when we grieve over one event, and we
are actually feeling the grief over something else.

Using the example above, our grandmother may pass and we don’t feel much emotion,
but when our beloved cat unexpectedly dies we experience profound loss and feelings
out of proportion to the event.

This is a clue that what we are really dealing with is not our cats passing, but our unfelt
feelings over our grandmother.

7 Year Cycles

The phenomenon of the 7-Year Cycle will follow any significant loss, and is dealt with in a
separate tool “7 Cycle Theory,” part of 101 Tools Life Coaches Use® available from

www.life-coach-tools.com

22

Got this from a friend? Sign up below to get lots more free tools, coaching tips and inspiration! @
www.life-coach-tools.com
© Paradigms Life Coaching Limited. All International Rights Reserved.
Paradigms Ltd

Feel The Feeling Tool


This tool helps you get in touch with uncomfortable feelings and make them safe and
manageable.

Feelings are like clouds. They look solid, but if you flew up to feel one you would find they
are just droplets of mist.

Also, like clouds, feelings come and go. When you open up to them, they pass over –
sometimes after raining, sometimes after thunder and lightning, but they always pass.

And even on a dark, cloudy day, the sky beyond is still blue and the sun is always
shining, it’s just that sometimes we can’t see it.

• Sit down somewhere comfortable and quiet. Still yourself by


breathing deeply a few times.

• Hold the thought that feelings are like clouds.

• Invite the uncomfortable feeling to come to you.

• Sit with it and continue to breathe slowly and deeply.

• Try entering into a dialogue and talking to your feeling – what is


it saying to you? Is this message true? Is it positive? Is it
useful? What does feeling safe mean to you?

• The nature of feelings is that they're dynamic, when you sit with
them, they change. If it is too difficult to sit with it, just be with it
for as long as you are comfortable and then let it go.

• Consider the message the feeling was giving you. Surprisingly


sometimes negative feelings have a very protective undertone.
Conversely, sometimes a feeling will be a reflection of a
limiting belief that when subject to conscious reflection and the
light of day, is rejected as being groundless. (Refer Beliefs
tools)

• You can repeat this exercise as often as you like or when you
have time and space.

• Over time the feeling and more importantly your fear of the
feeling will dissipate.

• In time you may be able to see how the feeling served you or
kept you safe.

23

Got this from a friend? Sign up below to get lots more free tools, coaching tips and inspiration! @
www.life-coach-tools.com
© Paradigms Life Coaching Limited. All International Rights Reserved.
Paradigms Ltd

Am I a Failure checklist?
This checklist will help you decide if you are a certified failure!
It is also an example of the way coaching offers new thoughts and perspectives and is a
tool I often use in my coaching as it seems most everyone has a fear of failure!

“Success is going from failure to failure without loss in enthusiasm.”


Sir Winston Churchill

Exercise:

• Do you feel like a failure?


• Does feeling like a failure mean that you are a failure?

• Can you learn without failing?


• Does failing at something you do, make you a failure as a person?

• Can you think of anyone who has never failed at anything?

• Did you try and fail?

• If you have tried and failed (ie. the outcome was not what you expected)
does that mean …
• you have tried and failed at something or
• does that mean you're a failure as a person?
• Isn't a failure someone who never tries?

• Are you a hero rather than a failure?

• Do you agree with the statement “A hero is someone who rides out to battle, is
defeated and returns home victorious?”

24

Got this from a friend? Sign up below to get lots more free tools, coaching tips and inspiration! @
www.life-coach-tools.com
© Paradigms Life Coaching Limited. All International Rights Reserved.
Paradigms Ltd

Infinite solutions tool


Use this tool to expand and stretch your habitual mental pattern of only seeing limited
options.

Tool:
Write down your problem then ask …

• How else could you think about that?


• Try and come up with twenty different thoughts or different ways of looking at
your situation.

Fun exercise …

Scenario: Imagine there is a hungry mosquito in the room whilst you are trying to
sleep.

• Think of at least twenty possible responses


• when you've finished, read another possibility at the bottom of this page!*

*Did you come up with an option of “just let it bite you!” 25

Got this from a friend? Sign up below to get lots more free tools, coaching tips and inspiration! @
www.life-coach-tools.com
© Paradigms Life Coaching Limited. All International Rights Reserved.
Paradigms Ltd

RELATIONSHIP TOOLS

26

Got this from a friend? Sign up below to get lots more free tools, coaching tips and inspiration! @
www.life-coach-tools.com
© Paradigms Life Coaching Limited. All International Rights Reserved.
Paradigms Ltd

My Dream Partner
This tool helps you imagine the qualities of your dream partner. By making a quiz about
your dream partner you can create a clear picture of them in their mind.

When you have finished, you will have a list of the qualities you would like in a future
partner.

Then, when you meet them – you will be able to recognize them straight away!

Part II is often the part people overlook.

Replace “He” and “She” below as appropriate.

Part I: Questions To Discover Your Future Partners Qualities

What qualities do you want your potential partner to demonstrate?


Think about your answers to these questions to get some ideas:

"How does he make me feel special?"


"What does she do when I'm sick in bed?"
"How does he show affection?"
"How does he treat me in company when we go out?"
"How does he make me laugh?"
"Her most important quality is …”
"The best thing about him is …”

For example:

Question: "How does he treat me in company when we go out?"


Qualities: He is respectful, attentive and kind.

Part II: Your Qualities

Love is not what you get, but what you give.


Harley M Storey

Now write down the qualities you will bring to the relationship.

Part III: Identifying Your Partners Qualities

In Part I you wrote a list of the qualities of your Future Partner.

But when you meet someone, how will you know if they have those qualities?

Now, write down examples of how they will express those qualities and what actions
and behavior will demonstrate those qualities.

For example:

Question: "How does he treat me in company when we go out?"


Qualities: He is respectful, attentive and kind. 27
Behavior: He is attentive and considerate to me, and kind to the waitress.”

Got this from a friend? Sign up below to get lots more free tools, coaching tips and inspiration! @
www.life-coach-tools.com
© Paradigms Life Coaching Limited. All International Rights Reserved.
Paradigms Ltd

Reflective listening

“Your communication is only as good as your understanding


of the person you're communicating with.”
Dr Tony Alessandra

Verbal communication is inherently inaccurate means for the transfer of information and is
a skill we have to learn and develop. This tool is designed to enhance and facilitate
communication between couples.

Excellent communication is a very important life skill because by hearing the other person’s
point of view and in turn feeling heard yourself, means that half of the problem is resolved,
because both sides feel heard and validated.

If you see a guy and a girl together, chances are the girl will be talking and the guy will be
listening as on average women speak thousands more words a day than men!

However, neither gender is particularly good at communicating – often men just don’t
speak, and woman speak many words but don’t always communicate what they really feel.

Exercise:

• Create some quiet space together with your partner

• listen to them without interruption or judgment

• when they have finished, reflect back to them what you heard them say

• ask them if you heard them correctly

• repeat the process with them listening and reflecting what you say

If you are interested in exploring this tool further, Dr. Harville Hendricks has written a
great book on this subject called Getting the Love You Want.

28

Got this from a friend? Sign up below to get lots more free tools, coaching tips and inspiration! @
www.life-coach-tools.com
© Paradigms Life Coaching Limited. All International Rights Reserved.
Paradigms Ltd

Relationship Cycles
The exercise is used to identify patterns in relationships and to help determine if any
current relationship issues have their origins in earlier relationships.

This tool can also be used to see how, when and where relationships ended or broke
down and to help identify any patterns.

Draw up a blank piece of paper with 4 columns:

Name Relationship Significant Features Clues / Patterns

If you wish to examine potential patterns in Male Relationships, start with your most
significant early male relationship – usually your Father, or Father figure - and proceed
from there.

If dealing with Female Relationships start with your most significant early female
relationship – usually your Mother and proceed from there – to Grandmothers, Aunts, etc.

Under the Name column write their name. If a parent or relative use their name and
under relationship denote their relationship to you. eg. Patricia – Mother.

List them in chronological order, from the earliest relationship to the latest – from your
partner to your child for example.

Under Relationships column write their relationship to you.

Under Significant Features write your associations about the relationship. Go on feel
here and try and work from the heart not the head.

Under Clues / Patterns are there any patterns between the relationships – similarities or
opposites? Does anything stand out? Any significant associations between relationships
and people?

29
... / continued on following page

Got this from a friend? Sign up below to get lots more free tools, coaching tips and inspiration! @
www.life-coach-tools.com
© Paradigms Life Coaching Limited. All International Rights Reserved.
Paradigms Ltd

Name Relationship Significant Features Clues / Patterns

Patricia Mother Honest


Emotionally Unavailable
Distant
Very Quiet xx
Generous
Big Spender 

Jenny Partner Emotionally Unavailable both Mom & Jenny are


Carefree emotionally unavailable
Untidy
Loyal
Very Loud xx Jenny if the opposite
of Mum here

Cathryn Daughter Free Spender  Cathryn is a spender like


Chatty Mum, maybe this is why I
Considerate get so annoyed with her?

This Example suggests that this person

• has chosen a partner that is emotionally unavailable like his Mother


• has chosen a partner that is the opposite of his Mothers very quiet nature, and
• that he may be reacting to his daughters free-spending ways as a result of his
mothers similar behavior.

30

Got this from a friend? Sign up below to get lots more free tools, coaching tips and inspiration! @
www.life-coach-tools.com
© Paradigms Life Coaching Limited. All International Rights Reserved.
Paradigms Ltd

Score Your Dream Partner!


The exercise is used to help gain clarity and insight into previous relationships and also to
help determine if any of the qualities you seek in a partner are similar, or opposite to, the
qualities of your early parental figures. It is also great for determining if a potential partner
is worth pursuing!

Draw up a blank piece of paper with 8 columns:


st
Qualities Dad/Mum 1 Significant 2nd 3rd 4th New Clues /
Partner Partner ? Patterns

Leave the Qualities column for now, and start with the Dad/Mum column.

If you wish to examine the qualities in a Male Partner, label the Dad/Mum column Dad,
and/or name an early male Father figure.

If you wish to examine the qualities in a Female Partner, label the Dad/Mum column
Mum, and/or name an early male Mother figure
st
Under the 1 Significant Partner column write the name of your first significant partner.

Complete the columns from left to right, from the 1st Significant Partner to the last. You
don’t want any more than 7 or 8, but you can repeat the exercise later with as many as
you wish.

Lastly, add in your Potential New Partner if you are thinking of one.

After you have written the names of your Partners, under the Qualities column write
down:

a) the qualities you would like in a partner


b) character traits that appeal to you
c) the things you liked about previous partners
the sum of these qualities represents your ultimate Dream Partner.

d) finally, add in the significant personality traits of your Father, if you wish to
examine Male Partners, or your Mother if you are looking at Female
Relationships.

... / continued on following page 31

Got this from a friend? Sign up below to get lots more free tools, coaching tips and inspiration! @
www.life-coach-tools.com
© Paradigms Life Coaching Limited. All International Rights Reserved.
Paradigms Ltd

Now mark your partners off and see how they score.

How does your Potential New Partner stack up?

Qualities Dad Jerry Bob Mike Peter Tim Clues?


(New Guy)
Quiet x x
Kind x x x x x kindness is
important to me
Polite x not so important

Funny x x x ½ x soh is good

Handsome x looks not vital

Wealthy x x x x $ is nice!

Dads
qualities …
Angry x x x opposite x ½ do I like Angry
men? like Dad?
Felt Safe x x

Points 5 3 5 3½ 2 5½
Bob a Peter Tim Highest
Comments lot like Lowest Score! 
Dad

Under Clues / Patterns are there any patterns between the partners? Any positive or
negative qualities which surprised you?

Look for similarities or opposites as a response to your Parental figure. For example, if
your Father was angry, you may be attracted to angry men or seek the opposite – very
patient and easy-going partners.

This Example suggests that this person

• has previously chosen a partner (Bob) that was very like her Father
• that her last relationship (Peter) was perhaps a poor choice
• that the potential new guy (Tim) looks like a pretty good candidate at this stage!

32

Got this from a friend? Sign up below to get lots more free tools, coaching tips and inspiration! @
www.life-coach-tools.com
© Paradigms Life Coaching Limited. All International Rights Reserved.
Paradigms Ltd

Relationship circle
This tool helps clarify your relationships with the people in their life. It can be as simple as just writing the
names of those you have a significant relationship with and drawing a line representing the depth of the
relationship, or you can continue with the exercise until it is as detailed as the example below.

• Draw a large circle


• Write your name in the middle
• Around the circle write the names of people you have a significant relationship with,
or anyone who comes to mind. Include Partner, Ex’s, Children, Mother, Father,
Siblings, Grandparents, Significant Relatives, Close Friends, In-laws!, Work
Colleagues, etc. present or passed.

After you have finished …

• Draw a line from you to the person’s name. The longer the line the closer the relationship.
• Go around and write one word you associate with each person as things are now
• Write next to their name and your word association a colour that comes to mind.
• How about adding yourself?
• Look at the order you wrote the names in. Anything interesting about who you wrote first or
last?
• Is there anyone significant you have inadvertently missed? In-laws, family, ex’s?
• Add a  for those people who contribute positively to your life or a  for those who are currently
take more than they give (this may be for valid reasons, eg. illness, divorce)
• When you have finished pick the top two people you would like to move issues ahead with
• Ask yourself what action you can take, eg. A phone call, a letter, a visit, etc.

• Revisit the exercise whenever you feel the need to!

33

Got this from a friend? Sign up below to get lots more free tools, coaching tips and inspiration! @
www.life-coach-tools.com
© Paradigms Life Coaching Limited. All International Rights Reserved.
Paradigms Ltd

How well do you know your partner Quiz?

to get you and your partner talking, smiling, laughing and maybe more ... 
• Get together with your partner.
• Print two copies of this questionnaire.
• Take one copy each and separately write down the answers you think your
partner would give to the following questions.
• When you have finished, swap your lists, score each other and laugh!

What do you think their …

o favorite movie is
o favorite band or singer, or type of music
o favorite actor, actress
o favorite season
o favorite TV show
o favorite day of the week
o their hero
o favorite time of day
o favorite activity
o the quality they admire most in others
o favorite activity (when clothed!)
o best memory together
o who they are closest to in their family
o their best friend
o the personal quality they most appreciate in a partner
o favorite color
o their worst habit
o their best habit
o kindest thing you have done for them
o your most difficult habit for them to deal with
o the hardest issue for them to deal with
o the one word that best describes them
o if they were a car what car would they be?
• what color? what condition? where would you buy it?
o what they feel are your three best qualities
o the thing they would most like you to do, what they most want from you
o the way they would like you to communicate love
o what is their loving style – do they usually demonstrate their love by:
• kind words,
• loving actions,
• touch,
• acts of kindness,
• thoughtfulness when apart,
• giving gifts,
• quality time .
o why you think they love you

The Couples Needs Tool helps you identify what you and your partner need to feel loved and validated in
your relationship, and is available as part of 101 Tools Life Coaches Use® Upgrade Pack from
34
www.life-coach-tools.com

Got this from a friend? Sign up below to get lots more free tools, coaching tips and inspiration! @
www.life-coach-tools.com
© Paradigms Life Coaching Limited. All International Rights Reserved.
Paradigms Ltd

When you … I feel …


This communication tool helps you learn how to communicate your needs positively and
constructively without accusing the other person.

• The Formula is to use these four words in this order …

“When you _______________, I feel __________________.”

• Example of what to say:

“When you don’t show me appreciation … I feel hurt.”

You are reclaiming your power and taking responsibility for your feelings by
saying “I feel” rather than “You make me feel…”

You are also talking about the behavior – the not showing appreciation -
rather than condemning the person.

• Example of what not to say:

“You are a boof head and … you make me angry!”

35

Got this from a friend? Sign up below to get lots more free tools, coaching tips and inspiration! @
www.life-coach-tools.com
© Paradigms Life Coaching Limited. All International Rights Reserved.
Paradigms Ltd

A quick lesson in speaking Martian!


A fun tool to help women speak to the men in their lives.

With acknowledgment to the great author and all round funny guy, Dr John Gray who
coined the terminology that Men Are From Mars & Women Are From Venus

I designed this tool to help a lovely client communicate with her husband.

It is amazing when you are coaching to hear clients reply “No,” to the question, “Have
you told your partner what you're telling me now?”

“Ladies, would you like to get your needs met?”


(A chorus of shouts and approval ensues!)

Tool:
The first step is knowing what they are, so ask yourself:

1. What do I need … ?
2. I would like …

Now that you have identified your needs, your natural inclination will be to speak
Venutian and communicate this in phrases like:

I wish …
We never … (anymore!)
I wouldn't mind … sometime ….
Why can’t we … (& the clincher) … pleeease???

However, your Martian man can’t hear any of this – it's all too vague to him.

His communication needs are very clear and easy to understand – if he wants
something he asks for it - without feeling guilty.

Here’s how to translate all of the above into Martian … are you ready?

Just fill in the blanks and don’t be afraid to stand in your own space girl!

Here goes …

I want __________________________ 
36

Got this from a friend? Sign up below to get lots more free tools, coaching tips and inspiration! @
www.life-coach-tools.com
© Paradigms Life Coaching Limited. All International Rights Reserved.
Paradigms Ltd

101 Tools Life Coaches Use® Bonus Pack!


www.life-coach-tools.com

101+ Tools Life Coaches Use


All the tools here + another 80! A coaching tool for every occasion.

+ PLUS!

Personal Values Tool


What personal values make you who you are? This profound and life-changing tool
reveals the values you hold.

Coaching Questions Cards


Coaching is about asking profound and insightful questions. Here is a list of the 32 best
questions to get great new perspectives on your situation!

Life Priorities Tool


What's more important: Children, Partner or Health? This brilliant tool helps you decide!

Thinker, Feeler or Doer? Test


Which one are you? A fun psych test to help people understand themselves by identifying
their natural tendencies.

12 Awesome eZines
Here are copies of our 12 best eZine newsletters, including 3 Keys to Happiness, Dream
Up A New Life, The Depressed Preacher, etc!

37

Got this from a friend? Sign up below to get lots more free tools, coaching tips and inspiration! @
www.life-coach-tools.com
© Paradigms Life Coaching Limited. All International Rights Reserved.
Paradigms Ltd

Getting Past Guilt


Guilt ties us up and hold us back from life. This tool shows how to
eliminate guilt and get beyond the trap of compounded feelings.

New Tool every Month for 2 Years!


Would you like the latest life coaching tools delivered to your inbox
free for the next 2 years? Bonus Pack purchasers qualify for our
monthly updates program.

20 Bonus Life Coaching Tools


101 tools are great + add 20 more incredible coaching tools and
your toolkit goes from great to awesome!

200 Great Quotations


A great quote contains a pithy profound truth and opens our mind to
new perspectives, here are over 200 of the best to inspire and
delight.

101 Tools Life Coaches Use® Bonus Pack!

To Get Your Copy Go To …

www.life-coach-tools.com

$462.00 in bonuses available for a limited time!

38

Got this from a friend? Sign up below to get lots more free tools, coaching tips and inspiration! @
www.life-coach-tools.com
© Paradigms Life Coaching Limited. All International Rights Reserved.