Rodney Ohebsion

Rodney Ohebsion's Collection of Stand Up Comedy Quotes

Dave Attell

They have a luggage store at the airport? I mean, how late do you have to be running? "Don't worry,
honey. Just grab a pile of shit. We'll get a bag at the airport!"

Lewis Black

[New York is] the loudest city on the planet Earth. It's so loud I never have to listen to any of the shit
that's going on in my own head. ... Garbage men come; they don't pick up the garbage, they just
bang the cans together. And if your block's too quiet, they actually hire a guy who wanders around
going, "FUCK ME! FUCK ME! FUCK ME!" ... That was the first job I ever had.

Hannibal Buress

Sometimes I get drunk and I get into arguments with taxi drivers. And I get out the cab and I slam the
door. That's not the way to win an argument with a taxi driver. The way to win is you get out of the
cab and you leave the door open. And then he has to step out and come around and close that door.
And while he's doing that, I'm on the other side opening the other doors--and we just go around and
around and around, and I got my own Benny Hill situation going on in life.

Bill Burr

Recently, my girl took me to a street fair. ... It's a typical girlfriend idea. It sucks, and it's gonna take
all Saturday. ... There was this lady standing there with this big table and nothing but muffins.
Homemade muffins. ... She's got this big, stupid "Hey, look at the muffins I made" look in her face.
And the second I saw that shit, that part of my brain was just like, "Dude, what would happen if you
just came up and just said, 'Hey lady, are these your muffins?' and just started going fucking
[smashes muffins with fist] wham, wham, bam, bam, bam." Like, how many of these muffins could I
mush before anybody did anything? I mean, realistically, I think I could've got the whole table.
'Cause even if you saw me doing that shit, it would take at least five to six seconds to process. Like,
"Did they say he could do that? Is it, like, a game? Do you eat the muffin off your fist? That just
seems like a waste of muffin." ... If I never broke eye contact the second I started hitting those
things, that girl wouldn't even have been able to call for help. I would've been in her head. It
would've been too personal. She'd be like, "Did I go to high school with this guy? Why would you do
that? Muffins are a happy food."

It took me four trips to go to the supermarket to finally be able to buy this goddamned pumpkin.
Because every time I would walk in there to get it, I'd be thinking all these happy thoughts. "This is a
great thing. I'm embracing the holidays. It's gonna bring me and my girlfriend together. This is a very
loving thing to do." And I reach out and grab it, and all I hear in the back of my head is, "What are
you, a fag?" And then immediately, I had to turn around and walk out. ... This is how it works with
guys. Any time you do anything remotely sensitive, heartwarming, anything that's gonna make you
more of a loving, caring individual, immediately, all your guy friends suggest that maybe, just maybe,
you want to suck a dick. Oh, it's brutal. Even if you do something smart. Like it's raining out. "He's
got an umbrella! What a fag! Oh my God! What are you, afraid of the water? Put your shoulders up,
you fucking homo! Jesus Christ! What--did you pull that thing out of your ass? " Oh, it's brutal. It
doesn't even have to make sense. "You carved a pumpkin? What are you going to do next--carve
some guy's ass with your cock? What a fag! What--are you gonna blow a scarecrow? Dude, get away
from me with your gay little pumpkin!" Oh, it's brutal. "Dude, what are you, a fag" is the reason why
guys drop at 55 out of fucking nowhere. It's literally from five decades of just suppressing the urge
to, like, hug a puppy, admit a baby's cute, say you want a cookie. You've just got to keep pushing it
down, like, "Fuck them! I'm not sucking dick! I'm not sucking dick!" ... And then one day you're in a
Denny's, and they forget to put bananas in your pancakes. You just have, like, an aneurism, and your
head slams off that sticky table. And the last thing you hear before it all goes black is your friends go,
"He got bananas in his pancakes! What a fag! Oh my God! It wasn't sweet enough with the syrup,
you fairy?! Hey, bring another one over whole and shove it up his ass! Yeah, 'cause it looks like a
dick, right? It looks like a dick. Yeah--I thought it, and then I said it. I'm awesome." ...Any stupid thing
that's gonna shorten your life makes you more of a man. It's fucking zero degrees out. You don't
have a coat on. "Dude--you cold?" You can't admit it. "No, I'm not cold. Dude--I'm not cold. I'm just
thinking of something I really agree with." ... Go out to go see a sad movie, comes to the sad part.
What do I do? She's [my girlfriend] crying. I've got to think of some funny shit. "Ah, what if
somebody kicks Sean Penn in the balls right now?" I start laughing. And then they get mad at you.
"How could you laugh during a time like this?" Because I'm not fucking allowed [to cry].

You ever notice, whenever the government fucks up, all of a sudden McDonald's has a new
sandwich?

My neighbor's not even listening to me. He's all excited about some garden hose he bought at
Brookstone. He's convinced it was designed by NASA. "Actually, it's got two nozzles, one for the hot
and one for the..." Really? Is it long enough to go around both our necks and the chimney so we can
tandem jump off of this? That's all I really care about you and your little garden hose.

You know what? Douchebag of the week is anybody who goes out and does Christmas shopping and
just gets a bunch of fucking gift certificates: “Here you go! You fucking figure out what you want!
Here's some money.” Why don't you just come in, take a fucking handful of cash, and throw it on the
floor like I'm some god damn whore, and watch me crawl around my hands and knees picking it up,
you know?

I'm just trying to figure out how I'm going to situate myself on the bed. I don't want to put my laptop
in my lap, you know what I mean? Why would you? "Why won't you put it in your lap? It's called a
laptop." This is why. Because it gives off radiation and I like my balls! I think the Illuminati came up
with the laptop, and they know we're too stupid to stick it exactly where they want us to put it so
they can thin out the fucking herd. So they go, with their evil voices: "Why don't we just call it a
laptop? We call it the laptop, they put it in their lap, and they fucking die, the infidels."
Louis C.K.

I grew up in Boston. And in Boston, people just beat the shit out of each other, for no reason. ... But I
kind of think you need that, you know, to keep quality control. 'Cause in places where that doesn't
happen, people are just too free. ... I was once on Venice Beach, and I'm jogging. And there's this guy
rollerblading towards me. And he's got rollerblades on. And just a thong. Just a fucking thong. And
it's just grabbing his dick and balls, and just fighting with it, going, "Aargh! Stay in there!" And then
he's just totally naked otherwise. And he's got this Kenny G hair. And he's just rollerblading. Like,
"I'm free!" And I actually had to stop jogging--'cause I needed my whole body to fucking hate this
guy with. I had to just stand there, and go, "Ugh--you motherfucker! Now I have to know you exist,
you piece of shit! Fucking go skate into an AIDS tree--you motherfucker."

There's 50 cars ahead of me before any light. And the guy behind me just starts--beep, beep, beep,
beep, beep. I look at him. And he's honking just at me. He's amazed that I'm not going. He's going
'Go! Jesus!' Beep. 'Just go!' Screaming out his window at me. Like I'm driving all 50 cars there. You
know. I'm I'm pushing them like shopping carts in a parking lot. What does he think? He keeps yelling
'Go!' And I'm trying to do that thing--'What? I can't--what do you want? What do you want, why are
you...' But it just made him madder. He was like, 'Ulkhdslksdfhy!' He was like purple and crazy. I'm
laughing at him, you know. Till he gets out of his car. He's one of these guys. Gets out of his car,
comes up to my car, starts screaming at me, 'Move it! Move it!' What am I gonna, what am I gonna
say back? What's going to be my argument that's gonna make them see clearly? 'Well I can't. Cause
of all the cars. I'm not able to get through the cars. Cause they're solid. They're made of solid
material. You know what I mean?' And he's gonna go, 'Oh yeah. Oh no. I didn't know they were solid.
That's right. Yeah. You can't drive through the cars. I'll just go back to my car and wait. I'm sorry.'
That's not gonna happen. But he kept yelling at me. So I just decided, you know what, I'm gonna
argue with this guy. I'll argue with him. But I'm gonna argue about something else. I'm not gonna
have his argument. I'm gonna have mine. So he goes, 'Move it!' And I go, 'Well give me back my
jacket!' And he stopped. And I was like, 'Yeah, you got my jacket! Give it back! I said you could
borrow it, not have it! You’re stretching it out, you fat pig! Give it back, now!' He got scared. Got
back in his car, and he locked his doors.

I was talking to my friend and he said his girlfriend was mad at him. I said, "What happened?" He
goes: "Well, I guess I, uh... I guess I said something, and, uh... and then she got her feelings hurt."
That's a weird way to phrase it: "She got her feelings hurt. I said something, and then she..." Could
you more remove yourself from responsibility? "She got her feelings hurt." It's like saying, "Yeah, I
shot this guy in the face, and then I guess he got himself murdered. I don't know what happened. He
leaned into it."

My friend was buying some tuna once, and I asked him, "Are you getting the kind that is dolphin safe
that doesn’t hurt?" And he’s one of these guys who’s just contrary, just, you know, he's like, "So
what! Who gives a crap! Who cares! Screw that! Screw the dolphins!"--for no reason, just to say
"screw that." And so I said, "Well, but it’s cruel to kill dolphins." And he said, "Well what about the
tuna? What about the tuna? Why isn’t it cruel to kill the tuna?". And I said, "That’s stupid. You know.
Because everybody knows that all tuna are assholes. I mean, everybody knows that. They’re
arrogant, they’re racist."
I hate skinny people, because they don't empathize with fat guy problems. You ever have a skinny
friend, and you try to tell him, "I just wish I could have one doughnut and fucking walk away. I wish I
could do that. I wish I had the power to eat a doughnut." And your skinny friend's like, "Well, just eat
the doughnut, then. What's the big deal? Just have a doughnut if you want one. Totally go ahead and
have one. Just enjoy yourself and have a doughnut if you like them." Fuck you! You don't get it. It's a
whole spiral that begins with a doughnut, and later I'm killing hookers, and I don't even remember
what happened.

I'm buying a cinnabon at the airport I arrived at. ... I'm 20 minutes from my house, where I got
bananas and apples and shit. And I'm sitting on my luggage just fucking eating a cinnabon with a fork
and knife, just [moans]. It was a shitty one, too. It was old. The dude at the thing, he was about to
take it in and close, and I was like, "Uh-uh, no, no. Gimme--gimme that." And he didn't want to sell it
to me. He was like, "This is very old. Please don't buy. Don't buy." I was like, "Dude, I'm eating that.
That's what's gonna happen next. You decide if we're gonna be in the paper tomorrow, but that
shit's going in my face. I already made the shitty decision. Don't ruin it."

[Black people have slavery. And] white people have our own thing--stuff we went though that hurt
us that we have to cope with. Like when they took our slaves away. That was really hard for us. So
it’s pretty even.

People are too afraid of uptown. A lot of people will tell you, like, "Don't go to Harlem. You can
never go there. 'Cause as soon as you get there, they kill you." That's what people think. As soon as
you arrive in Harlem, someone just stabs you in the face right away. That's people's image of
Harlem: just everyone standing around waiting for lost white people to kill all day. "Did you see any?
I didn't either."

I've started to just kind of hate people. And it's not because I have anything against them. It's just, I
enjoy it. It's just recreation. Like when you're at the bank, and you've got nothing to do while you're
waiting in line--so you just pick people to hate while you're waiting. You just look at someone and
form an opinion. With no information. And it's never positive. Who fucking wastes their time? "Oh, I
bet he's a hard worker!" Who thinks about that shit?

We were playing hide and seek the other day, and we play by her [my daughter's] rules. That she
invented. ... When it's my turn to hide, she tells me where to hide! ... "Hide in the closet, Poppa."
"But you're going to know where..." "HIDE IN THE CLOSET!" ... Now I'm standing in the closet like an
asshole. She comes in, "I found you!" She's like shitty about it. "I found you!" And I'm like,
"WOOOW, how did you figure out where you told me to fucking hide?" And then when she hides--
this is her hiding. She goes over to a fucking wall, and does this. [Crouches slightly] ... That's it!
There's nothing here! What the fuck is this? Like this is some ninja invisibility crouch.

[My three year old daughter is] looking at her plate [of French toast and angrily panting.] ... 'Cause
she needs to want something. There's nothing logical for her to want--so her brain has to go
somewhere crazy. So she's looking at her plate. She goes, "I don't know which piece to eat!" ... I'm
like, "Oh, I know, honey. That's hard. That's really hard. I'll just make a list of pros and cons for every
piece, and I'll help you with it later." And I look at her, and she's walking towards me now with the
plate just vertical with syrup fucking going on the floor. And she's like, "Help me! You're not
helping!" And I'm standing there, looking at her. And I love her. And I'm proud of her in a way.
'Cause I know she'll never want for anything. She'll beat the shit out of people. She'll kill people for
meat after the Apocalypse. She'll be one of those.

I go, "Here honey, have a Fig Newton." And she goes, "They’re not called Fig Newtons--they’re called
Pig Newtons!" ... And I go, ‘No they’re not. They’re called Fig Newtons.’ ... She goes, "No! You don’t
know. You don’t know! They’re called Pig Newtons!" And I just, I feel this rage building inside.
Because it’s not that she’s wrong. She’s three. She’s entitled to be wrong. But it’s the fucking
arrogance of this kid! No humility! No decent sense of self doubt. She’s not going, “Dad, I think those
are Pig Newtons. Are you sure that you have it right?" She’s not saying, "Dad, I’m pretty sure those
are Pig Newtons," which would be a little cunty, but acceptable. I could deal with that. She’s giving
me nothing! "No, you don’t know! Those are pig N..." Really? I don’t know? I don’t know? Dude, I’m
not even using my memory right now. I’m reading the fucking box that the shit came out of! ... And
take a bite of the cookie. Does it taste like a pork cookie, motherfucker?"

Last week I had a flu that I caught because my daughter coughed into my mouth. Just [coughs]. Hit
me right in the back of the throat. ... She did this, by the way, because she's trying to tell me a
secret--and she thinks you tell secrets into people's mouths. ... And by the way, she's five. Five years
old. What secret does she have that I really need to hear? Like she's gonna tell me a secret and I'm
gonna go, "Holy shit, are you serious? Oh my God. Honey, I won't tell anybody. That is fucked up,
though. Seriously? She got an abortion on Christmas Eve?"

Usually, [kids at school] need help opening a milk. ... We put it in this envelope that was invented by
some Dutch asshole in 1773. ... The glue is vicious, so they have to pick at the corner and try to get it,
and they end up drinking out of this finger-filth disease spout. So they can’t do it, and they raise their
hand. And I do it for them. I’m not better at it. I just deal with the stress better than they do. I don't
cry like a little bitch because I can't open my milk. I'm a man.

One time I was at a swimming pool with my kids, a public pool. I had my daughter, my six year old,
on my arm like this. She was like clamped on, and she's kicking. ... And then she got off and another
random child just clamped on. It's like a rat. "Get off of me." "But I love you." "I don't know you, kid."

There's one kid in my daughter's class who I hate so much. And it's really fucked up--because I'm 44,
and I hate a six year old.... with a grown-up, pre-occupying hate. I've thought about him three times
since I came out here. ... When we take our kids to class, there's a little procedure. You bring your
kid to school and they have their backpack and their jacket. And they go to their cubby and take it all
off and they put it in the cubby. Then they take their homework folder and their lunchbox and put
them in the bins. Those are their little responsibilities. You help them do it so they'll, blah blah blah.
But Jezanthepuss--when he comes in, he doesn't do none of that shit. He just walks in and just sheds
it all. And his mom... puts it all away for him, which frees him up to punch other kids in the face. ...
One time I was at school, and I was volunteering at recess. It's something you do if you're a good
parent, about once a month or whatever it is. You go to school, and you just stand there and you
watch recess. You masturbate, whatever you want to do. ... Anyway, I'm watching recess. ... And I
see Jezanthepuss. And he's walking with this evil--this kid is like evil stuck out of time. He's like--I
always picture him in a gray fur coat with bones in it, and lots of rings from people that he killed.

This summer she [my daugher] got bit by a pony. ... How do you more break a little girl's heart than a
pony bite? That's like being raped by Santa Claus. ... And there's all these websites that talk about
what to do when your pony bites. And it's like everything else on the internet. It's just fighting, just
people angry at each other. The first guy says, "You got to punch the pony right in the face. Just
punch it right in the face." And the next person says, "You're a terrible person. You should have your
ponies taken away from you." The next person was my favorite. They go, "People who don't punch
their ponies make me sick." So we really are a divided nation.

I love being married. It's great. But I hate arguing. I hate fighting. You know what I do now? When we
get in an argument, I just take her side against me. It's just easier; it goes quicker. She's like, "What's
wrong with you?" And I'm like, "I know! Damn it! Argh!"

I was in one of those [grocery stores in Chinatown], and they had duck vaginas. I swear to God. A
huge barrel of fucking duck vaginas--with a scoop stuck in it. ... I didn’t get any. Because I don’t want
to know--what if I love duck vaginas? I don’t want to find out. It’s not like millions of things taste like
a fucking duck vagina. Four in the morning. "I gotta have a duck vagina! Right now!" Chinatown's
closed. I gotta go to the park with a knife. "Where's a duck?!"

You ever go to shop for tuna, and it says "dolphin safe", and you [look at it and] kind of go, "Yeah,
but"--like somehow you think it's not going to be as good? Like, "I want to do the right thing--but it's
probably kind of bland without the dolphin."

I cut him off in traffic. It was one of things where I had to merge lanes and no one was in my car to
judge me--so I just decided, "He's not me--so I don't care what happens to him," then I cut him off. I
know it's a shitty thing to do. It was bad--'cause he was coming fast. And, well, I guess he figured not
in a million years would somone be that big of an asshole. So when I did it, he had to stomp on the
brakes hard, his dog just flew into the windshield. It all was just really very bad. And the worst part
is, when you cut people off, they don't just vanish. They're behind you now. I'm just looking back,
and he's holding his wheel just screaming mad in rage. And he just keeps on trying to get next to me,
'cause he just wants to see my face--the fucking face of the dude who just did that to him. And I
keep cutting him off, 'cause I don't want him to see. I'm ashamed of what I did. So finally, we get to a
red light, and he pulls beside me. Only because there was a car in front of me. Otherwise I would
have taken off. So he's here just yelling in my direction, and I have the apologetic look going on.
Then he starts to do the "open you window" motion ... like I'm supposed to take part in my own
abuse."

I hate when people explain [exactly] where they're from. ... I met a guy recently in Boston. I said,
"Where are you from?" And he goes, "Well, I was born in East Meford. But then we moved to North
Medford." I'm like, "I hope you die in South Medford. Why would you think that people want to
know about your family's migrations within the town? Was your dad in the army? Is that why you
moved around Medford so much? What was it like when you first saw snow in North Medford? Did
you have to change money--you fat idiot?" He's fat, too. I hate this guy. I knew him for ten seconds.
And I just carry hatred for him. Like, I'm in the shower. "Ugh--Medford idiot!" I'm like scrubing my
ass. My ass is raw because I hate this guy so much. I'm like, "Just say Medford! Nobody wants to
know [the details]!"

I saw this guy in New York one day, and he's walking his dog. ... He's got a coffee and a dog on a
leash and a phone. He’s on the phone. So he’s got his phone like this, and the dog’s leash is going
from the phone hand to the dog. And I look at this and I go, “Oh--he's got, like, a dogphone.” That
thought sincerely inhabited me for like a full minute! I'm like, “Oh, I wonder, what are the benefits to
hooking your phone up to a dog?” And then the other part of me had to go, “Why the fuck would
that exist?! You asshole!”

I have a lot of beliefs, and I live by none of them. That's just the way I am. They're just my beliefs. I
just like believing them. I like that part. They're my little "believies." They make me feel good about
who I am. But if they get in the way of a thing I want, or I want to jack off or something, I fucking do
that.

We picked her [my friend's cousin] up at port authority bus station. She had never been to any city
before. And we’re picking her up at the port authority, that smelly hole of a place. We pick her up
there, and she’s just freaking out at New York. She’s never seen anything like it. And we pass this
homeless guy and she sees him. I mean, we all passed him, but she saw him. She’s the only one who
actually saw him. We didn’t. Me and her cousin were like, “So? He’s supposed to be there. So what?
There’s a perfectly good reason why that’s not me and it’s him. The right people always win, I’m sure
of it.” ... His cousin immediately just gets--“Oh, my God! Sir--are you okay? What happened?” What
happened?! ... Like she thinks that he just fell into that. Right now. ... So she’s down there. “Sir, can
we call someone?” And me and my friend, we’re from New York, this is the crazy part, we
immediately go to her, we start correcting her behavior, like she’s doing something wrong. She was
so confused. “Why, is he okay?” "No, no, he needs you desperately. That’s not the point. We just
don’t do that here--you silly country girl.” ... It's weird. Because if you did see a guy who was dressed
up fall into shit and vomit and garbage, you'd go, "Oh my God!" And you'd stop and dust him off, and
you'd laugh at him a little bit--but you'd help him. But then a guy who's been there for a long time,
you go, "Fuck him."

I was with my daughter once. ... And we pass this homeless guy. And I gave him a dollar. ... And she
said, "Daddy--why did you give that man a dollar?" And I said, "Because he doesn't have a house. He
just lives on the street." And she said, "And so is the dollar--can he buy a house with that?" And I was
like, "No. Of course not. That's comically not enough money for a house, honey. It's hilariously too
little of an amount." And she said, "Why didn't you give him enough for a house?" And I was like,
"Eh, uh, you know--he doesn't just need money. He needs someone to spend time with him. He
needs someone to help him." And she said, "Why don't you do that?" And I was like, "It's, it's, it's--I
got stuff. I got stuff to do. I got my own, I got stuff. I gotta--I can't do that." And she said, "You don't
do anything else. You sleep all day. And you do a show tonight." And I was like, "Why don't you
fucking help him? OK, honey? How about that? Where do you get off judging me?"

I was in the airport, and ... this old lady, she falls down... I got her up. And she looks at me and she
goes, "I don't know where to go!" Oh, come on! That's not fair! I thought I was helping an old lady;
now, I have an old lady! Now this ismy old lady that I have in my life. ... She just hands me over stuff:
"I don't know how to do it!" She has a passport with a black and white picture, and, like, a different
alphabet on it. An itinerary of onion-skin paper from some travel agency in a village somewhere. I'm
like, "How do you not know how to get around? You've probably been a refugee, like, eight times in
your life already." ... Anyway, we sat there at her gate, for, like, two hours. And she she said a bunch
of shit that changed my life and I'll never forget her. But that's the boring part. You don't need to
hear that. "Oh, yeah. I thought was I giving to her, she gave back tenfold and all, she's precious
forever and ever to me." But she really was amazing. Like, I got her on the plane, and right before
she got on, she turned around and she stuck her old gypsy finger in my face, and she said, "I shall
never forget you!" And I was crying! It was intense! I love old ladies! I really do! I connect with old
ladies. Because they don't care! They say whatever! The filter comes off around 72. 8-year old boys
and old ladies have the same sense of propriety. ... And old ladies talk to you in the middle of just--
I'm walking through a supermarket, and there's always an old lady, like, "This is ridiculous!" I'm like,
"I know! Don't buy it!" I connect with old ladies! They're my favorite demographic of person. I wish
that I desired them sexually. ... Because, then I'd be SET! I could find an old lady, and spend the rest
of her life with her.

Why can't we have racism that's ignorant but nice? You could have stereotypes that are positive
about race. You could say, "Those Chinese people, they can fly!" "You know about the Puerto
Ricans? They're made of candy!"

If I found myself alone on planet Earth, no other humans, I would have sex with a monkey in like two
minutes. Two minutes. That's really not long enough to be sure you're alone on the Earth, even.
That's like... I walk outside, it's-- there's not much traffic. "Oh, my God, it's just me! I'm gonna have
sex with a monkey right now. Oh, no--there's a person."

I was in a hotel room in Dallas, and I was jerking off so much and so sadly and pathetically, that the
phone rang, and I thought it's them, they're complaining. ... "Sir, could you please stop?"

For years, Blockbuster Video has edited movies. Like The Bad Lieutenant, when he's masturbating
while the girls in the car are doing the thing. I rented it from Blockbuster and sped to that scene, and
it was gone. I called up Blockbuster, and I'm like, "I got an erection, and the scene's not there."

I was thinking the other day that you can figure out how bad a person you are by how soon after
September 11th you masturbated--like, how long you waited. And for me, it was between the two
buildings going down. I had to do it. I had to. Otherwise, they win. That's the way I was looking at it
at the time. It was a really strange time for all of us.

...The constant perverted, sexual thoughts. I'm so tired of those. ... It just makes me into an idiot. ...
[Girl:] "Look at my tits." [Louis:] "Yeah, your tits are awesome." It's just a dumb part of life that I'm
sick of. It's all day too. ... I just want to be a person in clothes walking in a store and just--I just want
to go to the library and ask for--"Hi, ma'am, is there-- I'm looking for a book about early Abraham
Lincoln, like when he was--I wish I could wrap your hair around my dick and--Oh, shit. I'm trying to
talk to her!" That's really a male problem. ... [Women] have no idea. ... See, you get to have those
thoughts. I have to have them. ... And for men, sex just is such a constant thing. It's not even sex to
us. It's just pussy. ... It has nothing to do with women. ... "Mmmm, I sure would like to have my arm
around a girl." "Mmmm, Vanessa, I love--" No, it's not. ... It's just pussy. ... It's not even a pussy. It's
not some peoples' pussies. It's just pussy. ... To men it's just an element of the universe, like it should
be on the chart of the elements next to tin and ammonia. P-y with an atomic weight of 12.

And then the next night I saw her in the club. And she goes, "Hey what happened last night?" I was
like, "What?" And she's like, "How come we didn't have sex?" I was like, "'Cause you didn't want to."
She's like, "Yes I did. I was really into it." I say, "Well why did you keep stopping me?" And she goes,
"'Cause I wanted you to just go for it." I was like, "What does that mean?" She says, "I'm kinda weird.
I get turned on when a guy just gets frustrated and just holds me down and fucks me. Like that's a
big turn on for me." I was like, "Well you should have told me. I would have happily done that for
you." And she goes, "No, it has to feel real and dangerous." I'm like, "What are you out of your
fucking mind? You think I'm just gonna rape you on the off chance that hopefully you're into that
shit?" What kind of idiot [thinks], "Hmmm. I'm getting kind of a rape-y vibe from this girl, I don't
know--I suspect she might enjoy being raped. Maybe that's her thing. I don't wanna ask first and ruin
it--so I'm just gonna take a shot and rape her. What the hell--what's the worst that could happen,
after all?"

You notice, there's no Women Gone Wild [series]--'cause no one would fucking buy the wild women
DVD. Because when girls go wild, they show their tits to people. When women go wild, they kill men
and drown their kids in a tub. That's what wild women do. They don't show their tits to nobody.
They fuck with their bras on.

I remember when I first started doing stand-up. I was living in Boston and there was one club that
was owned by a gay guy. And my memory is that that guy was always trying to fuck me. ... And
recently I caught up with an old friend of mine from those days, who I hadn't seen in years. And we
started talking about different people and he brought him up. And I said, "That guy always used to
try to fuck me." ... And he goes, "Really? Did he--I mean, did he like take you to his house or
something and really try to physically..." "No, it's just that, you know what I mean. He was trying to
fuck me all the time." And he was like, "Well did he say, did he push you, and say stuff all the time
and make you uncomfortable?" "No, it just was--" And as we went through it, the truth came out.
The whole story really was, there once was a gay man. That's it. That's really what happened. He was
gay. I was 19. And now, "He tried to fuck me all the time." I went through life with that.

George Carlin

We have Working Mother Magazine, Black Entrepreneur Magazine, Hispanic Business Magazine. In
fact, any activity, any activity engaged in by more than four people in this country, has got a fucking
magazine devoted to it. Skydiving, snowmobiling, backpacking, mountain climbing, bungee jumping,
skeet shooting, duck hunting, jerking off, playing pool, shooting someone in the asshole with a dart
gun--they probably got a fucking magazine for that! ... There’s actually a fucking magazine called
Walking. "Look Dan! The new Walking is out! Here's a good article: 'Putting one foot in front of the
other!'"

Have you ever noticed that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot, and
anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

Have you ever been talking to yourself when someone suddenly comes in the room? And you have
to make believe you were singing? And you hope to God the other person really believes there's a
song called "Fuck Her"?

Geologists claim that although the world is running out of oil, there is still a two-hundred-year
supply of brake fluid.

I think TV remotes should have a button that allows you to kill the person on the screen.
Kyle Cease

But the way they phrase those things [props] when you get to the voting booth, you don’t know
which way you’re voting, cause it’s like, “Should we not eat unbabies not on this not day?” .... So you
vote no on it, and then it’s on the news the next day. “Well, 74% of Americans have decided it’s time
to eat babies.”

I saw Hulk Hogan the other day in a parking lot, and I couldn’t tell from a distance if it was Hulk
Hogan or not. And I realized I’ve never had that dilemma before. I’ve always been able to tell
immediately when looking at anybody if they were or were not Hulk Hogan.

Norman Chad

Nate Silver is now forecasting Oscar winners. The only area of life in which he has no expertise,
ironically, is life itself.

If one official signals Falcons ball and [Seahawks quarterback] Russell Wilson signals Seahawks ball, is
it a jump ball?

Seahawks beat Cardinals, 58-0. If Patriots beat Texans, 58-0, it will be first time in NFL history there
were two 58-0 games in same week.

If you wagered $5,000 on each of my winning NFL picks in 2012 and $500 ($550) on each of my
losing picks, you’d be ahead $70,050. Wow.

Dave Chappelle

Sometimes, we [black people] wanna call them [the police], too. Somebody broke into my house
once. This is a good time to call them. But I didn't. Mmm. Mm-mm. House is too nice. It ain't a real
nice house--but they'll never believe I live in it. They'll be, "He's still here. Oh my God. [Hits
Chappelle in the head with a baton] Open and shut case, Johnson. I saw this once before when I was
a rookie. Apparently this nigger broke in and hung up pictures of his family everywhere. Well, let's
sprinkle some crack on him and get outta here."

White people do not like to talk about their political affiliations. It's a secret. You ever ask a white
guy who he's voting for? "Hey, Bob. Uh, Bob. Who you gonna vote for?" "Dave, Dave! Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Mmmm. Take it easy now. Take it easy. So anyway, um, I was fucking my
wife in her ass, right? And, and, I mean, it was something else." "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, but--
but who are you voting for?" "Dave! Dave, come on with the voting. I'm trying to tell you about how
I fucking my wife, and you're asking me all these personal questions." They don't like to divulge that
information. 'Cause it matters to them. Black people talk about that shit. Black people will openly
talk about politics. Black people will openly talk about beating up politicians and shit. "If I see George
Bush, I'll kick his motherfucking ass for cutting my Medicaid."
Black people like Clinton. I saw one thing on the campaign trail--he actually just picked a black baby
up and kissed him--"Come here, little nigger baby." Mwah! Just kissing him. I said, "Mmmm-hmmm!
I like that." He did not hesitate or nothing. You see George Bush, Jr. He'd be like: (kiss) "Ew."

Dane Cook

Am I the only person here who loves to watch a couple together that hates each other's guts? That
has to be the most entertaining thing, when you see two people that just hate each other together.
And look--we've all been there. Everybody's been in that situation where you will stay with
somebody, you don't even like them. Two weeks in and already you're like, "Pshh--no way. I can't
stand this person, I'll hang around for 5 or 6 years, then we can end this thing violently. I got time."
Girls, you make the craziest excuses to stay. Your friends will try and get you out of it. "Why don't
you just go? Seriously Jill, just go, Jill. He's a jerk off. Just take your shit and go." You're like, "I can't
just go Kim, it's not that simple. My CDs are in his truck. I can't just walk away from 40 or 50 CDs. It's
gonna take 2 or 3 more years of abuse until I can leave with my CDs." That couple is the best. They
fight over everything. Every little thing--huge explosion. And it's not even about the thing; it's about
the fact that they wanna stab each other in the neck with a steak knife because they hate each
other's existence. They get in what I call "nothing fights." Fights about absolutely nothing. Right? You
see them waiting in line for the movie theatre. They hold hands--but it's not loving at all. It's like this
rigor mortis, rheumatoid arthritis, red rover grip that they got going on. And everything's an
argument. [Woman:] "I should probably bring my jacket. I might get cold." {Man:] "You bring your
fucking jacket. Ya think. Do ya think? Yes. What if they're pumpin' AC in there, and then you're cold?
I have to go out and I miss the previews cause I gotta get your fuckin' jacket. Bring your jacket." I
love nothing fights. The best nothing fight I have ever seen in my life--I was at the supermarket a few
months ago, and I'm going down the aisle, and I'm at the Stouffer's French Bread Pizzas, and I'm
deciding, do I want four cheese or one cheese? 'Cause sometimes, I like a lot of cheese. Sometimes, I
like a dancing plethora of cheese in my mouth. And then sometimes, I'm into a more solo cheese
adventure. Just a single, one on one. Me and one cheese. Then sometimes I want an orgy of cheese
on my plate. So as I'm standing there, contemplating my cheese future, I hear the nothing fight going
on in the next aisle. I don't know exactly what they are saying, but I hear mumbles and grumbles.
OK? I hear the guy going (grumbles) and I hear the girl she's like: [Woman:] "(grumbles) care
(grumbles) care. I don't even care (grumbels) care." [Man:] "(grumbles) care. I don't even care
(grummbles) care." I hear the nothing fight. I start getting so excited. I'm like, "I gotta go watch this, I
gotta go see this." I'm so excited, I leave my cart. You never leave your cart. God forbid somebody
comes into the store and wants exactly that shit. And they're like "What? Jackpot. This is everything I
wanted." I'm peeking around the Entenmann's cookies and I'm watching the best nothing fight that
I've ever been a part of. They're in each other's face. OK? And the guy is saying to the girl, and he's
doing it like this: "Do we have any jelly in the house? Do we or do we not have jelly? You said we did
last time. I'm looking in the cabinets and I don't see any god damn jelly. I just wanna know if we have
any jelly in the house." And she's egging him on, she's like, "I don't even like jelly. I don't even like
jelly. I get hives if I even look at jelly. Wha--I don't even know about jelly. I've never even--what is
jelly? I don't even care." And he's like, "I don't even give a shit about the hives. I want jelly in the
fuckin' house. Stat. Pronto. Tonight. I don't give a--I will break your neck and pour jelly all over your
body and pray to the gods of jelly to burn your soul in a jelly like hell. Now get the jelly!" I'm so
excited, I'm eating the Entenmann's out of the box. I've opened a box and I am eating. I'll pay for it.
Relax. I know you're concerned, but I'll pay. This is the point during the nothing fight that I like to get
involved. I have to get involved and I have to say something. Just a little jab, a little poke that will
fuel the fire, and help take it to the next level. As they're going back and forth, I walk by them, I lean
in, and I go like this, "Hey dude, dude, dude. I know what you mean about the jelly, bro. Tell this
twat to get jelly. Now." [Man:] "See, see! Get the jelly. Uh, what's that word again? What, Twat!
Good word. Thanks bro. I didn't ev- I forgot about that word. GET THE JELLY TWAT! Great word
dude, great word. Twat. Yes."

Three weeks ago... [I] saw someone get hit by a car. ... The guy gets tagged, OK? ... He's in the air
flipping around. This is how he lands on the other side of the car. He comes down perfectly on his
feet and then he jumps in the air, and he starts walking around, embarassed. He's trying to play it off
like he didn't just get hit by a car. People around him are like, "Oh my God! Oh my God! Are you
alright? Are you OK?" He's like, "I'm fine, I'm fine. Seriously, I'm fine. I'm a little bit hungry. But, uh,
other than that I'm fi-" --"No you should really sit down. You're bleeding from the ears." "I know. I
know that. I do that. Every couple of weeks I empty the blood out of my own head. It's tradition in
my family. Has anyone seen my shoes? I kicked them off in a fit of joy. I love getting struck by
vehicles, and sometimes I'll kick my shoes off in a fit of joy. I'm fine. I'm just gonna go over here and
puke shards of my own pelvis into this bush."

There's other things guys want besides sex. ... If they had the choice of sex or this one other thing,
any guy here would rather be part of a heist! You know when you watch the movie Heat, you're like,
"I want to do that!" You just wanna be running down mainstreet with an AK-47. "[Machine gun
firing] Where's the van! [Machine gun firing] The van was supposed to be here! [Machine gun
firing]." We want that guy who's on a computer and is like, "Give me a minute. I just need one more
minute. Dude, I need one more minute to hack into the mainframe. I'm in Friendster--they re-routed
me into Friendster. I need a minute." "Where's the fucking van! [Machine gun firing]" There's always
that guy on the team, too--he was a last minute replacement. He's not one of the original gang, but
one of the guys vouches for him. "No, no dude--trust me, this guy's cool; he's solid and he's cool."
But he's not cool, is he? He doesn't really say anything ever, right? He just stands there and looks
cool. And at one point he might be like, "Let's kill these bitches." I want to be part of a heist. And I
want to get shot here in the back of my leg. POW "OW shit!" It stings but it still makes me feel kinda
cool. I keep looking at the blood, going, no no no no. Bleeding from the leg. "Where's the van!"

We wanna be a part of a heist. And then there's something else that we want even more than the
heist, even more than sex. Any guy here would love to have a monkey. A pet monkey. And people
get mad. And sometimes you'd say, "Oh--I'd love to have a monkey," and there's always that one
anti-monkey person in the area. They overhear you. "Excuse me--I heard you saying you'd like to
have a monkey. And that's a horrible idea. You do not want a monkey. You do not want a monkey."
They're a monkey expert--and they start listing off all the reasons YOU can't have a monkey. "Let me
tell you a few things. Can I just have a minute? Can I have a minute? Can I just explain a few things
about monkeys that maybe you don't know, before you jump to your conclusion? OK? It's more than
just bananas and dancing with toothbrushes. OK? First of all, they crap in their own hands and they
throw it around in a festive manner--like they're at a celebration of monkey poop. And they make
faces that are unacceptable in society..." I hear these things and I'm like, "That's why I want a
monkey. All those reasons! I don't want a nice, quiet monkey. I want an evil monkey that I can dress
in armor give him a sword. Have fights with him inside my place." How pumped would you be,
driving home from work, knowing some place in your house there's a monkey you're gonna battle!
That's awesome! You walk in. "Uh, monkey? You here? Uh, where are you?" "I'm in your closet!"
"Holy shit! You just talked!" "I taught myself to talk!" "This is incredibly odd!" "I know. Let's fight!"
"OK."

Cowboy Proverb

After weeks of beans and taters, even a change to taters and beans is good.

Rodney Dangerfield

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy.
Why are you doing that for?" He said, "Because you came home early."

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He
wants me to leave.

I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west!

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

I went to see my doctor. Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah. I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I
get up and look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know,
but your eyesight is perfect."

I tell you, with my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills."
He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie.

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, "If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion." He
said, "All right. You're ugly, too!"

Jim Gaffigan
New York has made me so paranoid, too. Whenever I visit another city, I always act like I'm from
there, so the cab driver doesn't rip me off. I'm always like, "Yeah, it's good to be back home. Back
here where I grew up. Yeah. Here in Tokyo. ... Uh, driver, I need to go to my old stomping grounds.
That would be the Holiday Inn. And the address appears to be the pound sign."

I love the impatience of New York... You ever had somebody not ask you for directions, but demand
them? You're just innocently walking down the street, you hear a horn, all of a sudden some guy's
like, 'HOLLAND TUNNEL!!!' ...You know, like you were supposed to fax this guy directions. Suddenly,
you're wasting HIS time.

You ever walk next to that stranger who wants to walk the same speed as you? "Get the fuck away
from me! What are we--on a date here?"

Do you ever leave a message for somebody and the answering machine cuts you off, and you have
to decide whether you should not call back, or call back and appear like a stalker? "Hi. It's me again. I
forgot to tell you that I'm going to kill you. Because I'm the freak who keeps calling and calling."

You ever buy a book and not read it? You feel almost guilty having it up on a bookshelf. People are
like, "Hey, how's that book?" "I haven't read it." "Oh, did you just buy it?" "I've had it since high
school." "Well, can I borrow it?" "No."

How did we get to the point where we're paying for bottled water? That must have been some
weird marketing meeting over in France. Some French guy's sitting there, like, "How dumb do I think
the Americans are? I bet you we could sell those idiots water."

I was watching Animal Planet. Did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? And I was
thinking, "Why don't they just call that the female seahorse?" You know it's just some stubborn
scientist. "Yeah, that one there's the male seahorse." And his assistant's like, "Uh, Bill, that one's
having a baby." ... "The male has the baby. You're fired."

When you don't drink, people always need to know why. "You don't drink. Why?" This never
happens with anything else. "You don't use mayonnaise? Why? Are you addicted to mayonnaise? Is
it okay if I use mayonnaise? I could go outside..."

I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there. "All right, I'm
standing in front of a room full of strangers. Based on what I learned in gym class, I will throw a red
ball at a fat guy."

Lifetime is television for women. Yet for some reason, there's always a woman getting beaten on
that channel. "In a Lifetime original, Meredith Baxter-Berney gets beaten with a rod. In a Lifetime
original, Rod."

I saw this college team [bowling] championship. Each team had their own coach. What kind of
strategy advice is a bowling coach giving? "You know what? This time Timmy, I want you to knock
down all the pins." "You sure?" "Trust me. Just do it son!"

You never want to be the worst bowler of the group--because then everyone treats you like you
have cancer. "You can do it! We’re praying for you." The advice starts. "Use a heavier ball." "Keep
your arm straight." "You should get a vasectomy." If you're really bad at bowling like me, they’ll ask
if want the bumpers up. Not that bowling is that complex anyway. "You want the bumpers? We can
get rid of the pins. Why don’t you take this coloring book and sit in the corner?"

I think it's great some hotels provide stationery. Because the first thing I like to do when I get to a
hotel room is write a letter. "My dearest Gwendolyn, I arrived by nightfall at the Embassy Suites. It
will be a fortnight after my return that this letter shall arrive. Allow me to explain the curious charge
at the ledger. It is because I miss thee so much, darling, I accidentally ordered Sorrority Sisters 7."

Whenever I'm out of town for at least a week, I feel like I should write a postcard or something. But
you can be a genius, you try and write a postcard, you come across like a moron anyway: "This city's
got big buildings. I like food. Bye."

If you're a guy over 30 by yourself in the hotel pool, you automatically look like a murderer who's
just relaxing after he strangled a family. "Yeah--that dad was a tough one to kill."

I only dated one Asian girl. But she was very Asian. She was a panda.

Bacon is like the opposite of medicine. It's like, "Take that, Lipitor."

I've never tried fatback. Probably 'cause it's called fatback. I don't know which word creeps me out
more: fat or back. Why don't they just throw in "hairy" while they're at it? "This is some delicious
hairy fatback."

You can't tell me the success of Kevin Bacon isn't somehow tied to his name. You're not going out to
see a Kevin Hot-Dog movie.

There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket. For those of us who don't want to eat meat, but would still like
diarrhea.

I've never eaten a Hot Pocket and then afterwards been, "I'm glad I ate that." I'm always like, "I'm
gonna die! I paid for that? Did I eat it or rub it on my face? My back hurts."

[After you eat a Hot Pocket,] Everything will taste like rubber for a month!

It’s fun telling people you go to McDonald’s. They always give me that look like, "Oh! I didn’t know I
was better than you." ... I’m tired of people acting like they're better than McDonald’s. It’s like, you
may have never set a foot in McDonald’s, but you have your own McDonald’s. Maybe instead of
buying a Big Mac, you read US Weekly. Hey, that’s still McDonald’s. It’s just served up a little
different. ... "Scarlett Johansson got a haircut? Why do I give a shit?" Because it’s McDonald’s, and
that feels good going down.

I am a guy who talks about bacon and escalators.

They always give you three [ketchup] packets. When you go back up and ask for more, the guy
handing them out always treats you like you're taking from his personal stash. "Looks like my kids
aren't having ketchup tonight."

Some fast food places, they have that ketchup pump. It's like a keg. They give you the paper shot
glass. I always like to hang around there, try and meet the ladies. "Here, I'll pump for you. You come
to this Wendy's often? My roommate and I, we got a pony pump back at my dorm. Here's an extra
shot "

[On fancy ketchup:] What kind of life are you leading where you consider ketchup fancy? "Well, we
ain't rich folk, but on special occasions, I'll break out the ketchup. Grandma's birthday, make her feel
special"

When our bed is made, it's covered in 40 pillows--like we're stockpiling ammo for the global pillow
fight.

As it is, I have to negotiate with myself just to get out of bed. "Alright, here's the deal, me. I'll get up,
but I'm not taking a fucking shower. That's something we'll negotiate later on."

It is amazing how much more amazing sleep is in the morning. You wake up and you're like, "I stayed
up to do what?! Watch Growing Pains? What was I thinking!?" But at night you're like, "La La La La
La, Hey! Growing Pains, awesome! And I've seen this episode. That Kirk Cameron's always in
trouble."

How about those people who don't need sleep? What are they called again? Successful? What a
bunch of dicks they are.

"I got up early because I wanted to." - Nobody

You ever have a dream where you get in an argument with someone, then the next time you see
them they're like, "Hey, how ya doin'?" You're like, "Fuck you. Don't act like you didn't push me off
that cliff. You're lucky I had wings, buddy. VERY LUCKY."

My goal in life is to be as happy as a studio audience.

I got married. My wife changed her name. I know some women have a problem with that. But I
wanted her to have my old girlfriend's name. So call me old-fashioned, but this fella does what the
Bible tells.

You ever mix two different groups of friends? That can be stressful. You always feel like you have to
prep 'em. You're like, "These people over here, uh, they don't think I drink. And don't be thrown by
my British accent."

Greg Giraldo

They [your kids] just watched a movie where this candy treat makes robots fly. You think you're
gonna get them on the celery sticks? "Come on, eat the celery. It's good. It's got fiber in it. Yeah, I
know those [junk foods on TV] make people fly--but these will keep you from getting polyps in your
60s in your rectum. Come on--can't you be a little more forward-thinking, you fucking eight year old?
Grow up a little."

People talk to each other in this city [New York] in a way that is just not normal. I was stopped at a
light the other day. These two guys were unloading a truck. One guy looks at the other guy. He goes,
"Hakuna Matata, motherfucker! From the motherfucking Lion King." Hakuna Matata, motherfucker.
What could have possibly preceded that part of the conversation? What kind of "What's your
favorite Disney cartoon song?" debate ends up with "Hakuna Matata" and "motherfucker" in the
same sentence? That must have just built all day long, you know? "No, that song sucks, man. I like
the other one: Under the sea / Under the sea." "Nah, man. Hakuna Matata." "Don't be a fucking
pussy, alright? It's 'Under the Sea.'" "Hakuna Matata, motherfucker!"

Dina Hashem

Do you ever feel like you're getting sick and then you have a glass of water and you're like oh, that's
why people drink that

There are ALWAYS bigger fish to fry. You must fry fish. Only the bigger ones.

Mitch Hedberg

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.

Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something.

Bill Hicks

"Hey, man, if you quit smoking you get your sense of smell back." I live in New York City. I got news
for you. I don't want my fucking sense of smell back. (Sniffs) Is that urine? (Sniffs) I think I smell a
dead guy! Honey, look, a dead guy! Covered in urine."

No one has handguns in England, not even the cops. True or false? True. Now-in England last year,
they had fourteen deaths from handguns. FFFFFourteen. Now, the United States--and I think you
know how we feel about handguns-woooo, I'm getting a warm tingly feeling just saying the fucking
word, to be honest with you, I swear to you, I am hard--23,000 deaths from handguns. Now let's go
through those numbers again, because they're a little baffling at first glance. England, where no one
has guns, fffffffourteen deaths. United States--and I think you know how we feel about guns-woooo,
I'm getting a stiffy--23,000 deaths from handguns. But there's no connection, and you'd be a fool
and a Communist to make one. There's no connection between having a gun and shooting someone
with it, and not having a gun and not shooting someone. There have been studies made and there is
no connection at all there. Yes. That's absolute proof. You know, fourteen deaths from handguns.
Probably American tourists, too. (Angry tourist voice) "You call this a sandwich? BANG! BANG! You
don't boil pizza! BANG! BANG!"

By the way--if anyone here is in advertising or marketing, kill yourself. ... This is not a joke. You're
going, "There's going to be a joke coming." There's no fucking joke coming. ... I know what all the
marketing people are thinking right now, too. "Oh, you know what Bill's doing? He's going for that
anti-marketing dollar. That's a good market, he's very smart." Oh man, I am not doing that. You
fucking evil scumbags! "Ooh, you know what Bill's doing now? He's going for the righteous
indignation dollar. That's a big dollar. A lot of people are feeling that indignation. We've done
research. Huge market. He's doing a good thing." Godammit, I'm not doing that, you scumbags! Quit
putting a godamm dollar sign on every fucking thing on this planet! "Ooh, the anger dollar. Huge.
Huge in times of recession. Giant market, Bill's very bright to do that."

Adam Hunter

If you have nothing nice to say then do it behind a keyboard.

Tommy James

If I don't get at least 1 email in any given hour, I begin to think my friends are conspiring against me.

Skweezy Jibbs

HOW COME DEAD PEOPLE DONT TRY HARDER 2 NOT B

Dave Konig

Fact Check: Today Sen. Scalprash said "It's a great day to be in Ohio". LIAR! It's actually humid and
overcast.

Larry the Cable Guy

You learn a lot though when you have kids, I'll tell you what. Did you know when a baby poops its
diapers, you're not supposed to hit him with a rolled-up newspaper?

Bought a pair of boots the other day, and they was some silicone gel in there. Big red letters said,
"Do not eat." Do they really need that stuff in them boots? Is there really some dude opening a pair
of boots goin', "Boy, look at them boots. What the hell? I better eat that. I don't know what the hell
that is."

Denis Leary

The [cigarette] filter's the best part. That's where they put the heroine. Only us real good smokers
know that fucking secret.

I'm gonna open up a restaurant with two smoking sections; Ultra and Regular, ok? And we're not
gonna have any tables or any chairs or any napkins. None of that pussy shit. Just a big wide open
black space. And all we're gonna serve is raw meat, right on the bone! And only men are going to eat
there. Naked men, sitting around a big giant camp fire. And no men's room either. You have to piss--
you mark your territory like a wolf! And if some guy has a heart attack from eating too much meat,
fuck him, we throw him in the fire! More meat for the other meat-eaters!

I love to smoke. I love to eat red meat. I'll only eat red meat that comes from cows who smoke, ok!?
Special cows they grow in Virginia with voice boxes in their necks. "Moo"

You will eat the meat folks. Because this country was founded on two things: meat and war. You eat
enough fucking meat, you wanna kill somebody. That's the way it works. That was the ultimate
American dream. During that Persian Gulf War, I was sitting in my living room, naked, with a can of
Budweiser and a three inch stake watching the war, live on TV. I had a six foot erection with a giant
cheese burger on the end of it. I ate so much meat during the war that by the time the war was over
three weeks later, I was like, "No no no. We need to keep fighting. Make a couple of stops on our
way home from the Persian Gulf. First stop! Vietnam! Surprise the fuck out of those people, huh?"

I can remember a time in this country when men were proud to get cancer, God dammit! When it
was a sign of manhood! John Wayne had cancer twice. Second time, they took out one of his lungs.
He said, "Take 'em both! Cuz I don't fuckin' need 'em! I'll grow gills and breathe like a fish!"

Mark Leathers

In 1991, Pee Wee Herman got busted masturbating in a public movie theater. I don't blame the guy.
He couldn't do it at home with all his furniture watching him.

Norm Macdonald

.My dad died, and my grandfather died, and my great-grandfather died. And the guy before him, I
don't know. Probably died.

That's what got my dad. His heart attacked and killed him when he was lying on his bed, and, boom,
dead on the floor. You know. They said it was instantly. And my dad, he wasn't expecting it. He was
looking for fucking Arabs and shit--and his heart attacked and killed him.

Steve Martin

I saw the movie 'Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon,' and was surprised because I didn't see any tigers
or dragons. And then I realized why: they're crouching and hidden.

Demetri Martin

When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole.

I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
My friend has hand soap that smells like coconut. It's nice. Unless your hands are dirty from
coconuts.

Sometimes I feel like I'm making a connection with a stranger, but then it turns out I'm not. Like, I
was in a mall, and I saw this lady hitting her kid. So I went up to her, and I was like, "Yeah, get him!"
She got all mad at me. I was like, "I'm on your side here."

Sometimes if I really want to get someone's attention, I'll start a sentence with something like, "I'm
not racist, but..." I say, "I'm not racist, but you look great today." They say, "That wasn't racist at all."
I said, "I know. I said I'm not racist. You never listen. Typical Mexican."

Eddie Murphy

Black people from New York have this trick we use on white people. It works. Even if you can't fight,
you have to act like you can fight, because that gets you out of a lot of fights. It works. If you have
some problem.--walk up to a white dude and step on his foot. And he says: "Hey, you got a
problem?" You go, "Yeah, motherfucker, I got a problem! I just lost my motherfucking job to a white
man, look just like you! So I say I'm gonna step on some feet till I feel I've redeemed myself. You got
a problem?" And white guys will go, "Hey, I didn't know about your job." They leave, and the brother
be standing there like this: "That was close. I almost got fucked up."

I got one of those fathers who gets drunk and sings old Motown songs to you in his argument, fucks
up the lyrics and thinks he's saying it right. "I know you wanna leave me / But I refuse to let you go,
Lillian." Then he fuck up, think he's saying it right. "If I have to beg and plead / Do the symphony / I
don't mind because it means that much to me."

Ramin Nazer

Even when I'm 100% focused and trying my hardest, I never feel like I'm polite enough when
speaking to a Japanese person on the phone.

I want a job where someday I get to say "Sir! With all due respect.."

Stand-up comedy is one of the hardest, scariest things you can do. That's why there are only 800
million people who do it.

Travis Nelson

"High five" is short for "Good job, touch me real quick."

Jamar Neighbors
I don't think it's being verbally abusive if the bitch get on yo nerves

John Pinette

If you go to Bed Bath & Beyond without a coupon, people will wonder if you're OK.

Richard Pryor

Police got a choke hold they use out here though, man. They choke niggas to death. That mean you
be dead when they through. ... Two grab your legs, one grab your head, snap--"Oh, shit. He broke.
Can you break a nigger? Is it okay? Let's check the manual. Yep. Page 8. 'You can break a nigger.'
Right there, see?"

That's how she made me stop snortin' cocaine. She did. She pulled that shit on me. It worked too,
Jack. I had the nerve to pull out some cocaine at the dining room table. She had never seen me do
any. Right? And she looked at me a long time, and she said, "Boy--what's that you puttin' up your
nose?" I said, "Cocaine, Mama." "Jesus! God! Take me now, Lord! Take me now! God, save my life!
Take me, take me, take me! Lord, have mercy, Jesus!" I said, "Mama, don't do that shit! Look! I'm
throwin' the shit out, Mama. Look! Sixteen-hundred dollars worth of shit down the drain, Mama."
She found out how much it cost, she say, "You dumb motherfucker! You could have sold some of
that shit back to the man you got it from!

My kids, when they lie--that's the thing that I love the most. When they be tryin' to tell them lies,
and you know they lyin'. Right? And you say, "Who broke this?" "Huh?" "I said, who broke this?"
"Okay. I'm gon' tell you. Okay? First, okay, I'm gon' tell you. First, first, I wasn't in here. Right? Uh-uh.
First, I was, I was, I was in the kitchen. Okay? Uh-huh. Then, then, then, when I was in the kitchen,
you know what happened? You don't know what happened? Okay. I'm gon' tell you. Okay? Then, I
was--I was in the kitchen. Okay? Then I was--I was runnin' in here. I wasn't really runnin'. 'Cause you
remember when you told me not to run? Uh-huh. So I wasn't really runnin' runnin'. But it was kinda
like I was runnin'. My legs was movin' real fast. It looked like I was runnin'--but I wasn't really
runnin'. And I was in here then when that thing--that thing was already broke. Uh-huh. That was
broke even before I was born. And when that door was fell back like that, and it broke and it fell
down."

Brian Regan

I’m just trying to go through life without looking stupid. It’s not working out too well. Sometimes
you’ll say the right thing but at the wrong time and feel stupid. Something like: “You, too!” I was
getting out of a cab at the airport and the driver goes, “Hey…Have a nice flight!” “You, too! You, too,
you have a nice flight, too. In case you ever fly someday. Don’t anybody look at me. I’m a moron.
Don’t know when to say the 'you, too' phrase. I can’t handle it." I never learn. Like a waitress will
bring my meal. “Hey, enjoy your meal.” “You, too. But you don’t have one, do ya? I’m a dufus. If you
do eat, enjoy it when you eat it, if you have a break or something, later. If you get an opportunity.”
Racquetball is the only sport where simultaneously you can be looking at the ball and it'll hit you in
the back of the head at 90 miles per hour.

The government will pay certain farmers to not grow corn. Wow. Where's my check? That'd be
great. "Hey, what do you do for a living?" "Well, I don't grow corn. Get up at the crack of noon, make
sure there's no corn growing. I'm gonna get up early tomorrow. And not plow. You know, we used to
not grow tomatoes--but there's more money in not growing corn."

I saw something in the store the other day that I don’t understand: that peanut butter and jelly in
the same jar. Is there a point to that? I mean, I’m lazy--but I wanna meet the guy who needs that.
Some guy going, "You know, I could go for a sandwich--but, uh, I’m not gonna open two jars. I can’t
be opening and closing all kinds of jars. Cleaning, who knows how many knives!?"

People will adjust what they just said based on other people's reactions to it. I've always been
amazed by that. They'll just change what they just said. No matter how much you would think they
would stick to what they just said. "I think it's wrong to kill people with a machine gun." "Oh, I kill
people with a machine gun." "Well, sometimes it's OK. But what I'm saying is I don't think you should
kill like a lot of people with a machine gun." "Oh, I've killed scores of people." "I'm talking about the
people who are always killing people. Day and night. Killing people with a machine gun. I don't think
you should do that." "Oh, no. I don't do that." "Yeah--that's what I'm saying."

If anyone out there is having a baby and you're trying to think of baby names, if any name you come
up with rhymes with anything, it ain't no good. It's no good--because the other kids are going to find
the rhymes, when he's growing up, and torment him. There was a kid in my neighborhood, growing
up--I couldn't believe it. His name was Bidiot. What were his parents thinking? And his brother
Jimbecile. But we were so stupid, we couldn't find the rhymes. "Bidiot, Bidiot, he is a stupid-face!
Jimbecile's a moron stupid-head. Stupid." My parents were embarassed. "Sound it out. Bidiot. What
does that sound like?"

You’d show up [at school the day the science project was due. And] you’re scared because you don’t
have anything good--and you find out all the other kids, their parents made theirs for them. I hated
that. They’re backing them in on flatbed trucks. One kid with a volcano. He didn’t know how to zip
up his own pants--but he built a volcano. “How’d you swing that?” I didn’t know what to do for my
project. So I brought in a paper cup filled with dirt, just hoping that she’d know I’m an idiot, and just
walk right on past me just as long as I was holding something. “What do you have there, Brian?” “It’s
a cup of dirt. Just put an ‘F’ on it there and let me go home.” “Well, explain it.” “Well, it’s a cup. With
dirt in it. I call it ‘Cup of Dirt.’ You should move on now. Just go ahead and move on. Head on down
the line there.” So she went to this one kid; there’s a kid in my class who made the same solar
system like 19 years in a row. A bunch of Styrofoam balls held together with coat hangars. “Hey,
you’re breaking some new ground there, Copernicus.” He’s going, “The big yellow one’s the sun! The
yellow one is the sun!” “OK. Alright. What are these other planets?” “The big yellow one is the sun!”
“Alright! Calm down!”

I never knew what was going on out in right field. I just knew I would get a free snow cone at the end
of the game. I'd be out there, "Aawww, free snow cone." "Brian, what's the score?" "Free snow
cone! Free snow cone at the end of the game. If you play, they're gonna give you a free snow cone.
Even if you play half game, you get a, you don't get a half snow cone, you get a whole snow cone for
half the game. People that play whole game get a whole snow cone, and the people that play half
game get a whole snow cone. So it's always whole, whole snow cone. So, I'd rather play half game.
I'd rather play half. Still get the whole snow cone." "How many outs Brian?" "Grape! I'm gonna get
grape. Or cherry. They're both favorites--so either one is good. But if they have both, I'll get grape.
Because grape is a little more favorite. But if they don't have grape, it's like alright, it's fine--'cause
cherry's favorite anyway. It's like another favorite--but not as much. Not as much favorite. But
they're both good. They're both good." ... The only compliment I ever got in little league baseball
was, "Good eye, Brian!" ... "Oh, thank you! What did I do?!" "You moved your head out of the way of
the fast ball!" "Oh, good, good. I'm glad I did that. I almost didn't, but then I did. Go team! Go, team,
go!"

I've been watching these strongman shows. You seen these things? It's got these big Nordic looking
guys. Their neck starts at like the top of their ears. There's no vowels in their name. Their name is
like Kttksvrdgrdgn. How do you call him for dinner? "Kttksvrdgrrrrrrrrrr! Get your brother,
Gttsbrgnglvn. Gttsbrgnglvn! We're having goulash!" I'm not making fun of them, you know, in case
one of them's here. It's a competition that I think is weird. They're not lifting weights. It's like,
"Alright, Kalkervick, we filled these grand pianos with molten lead. See how many you can hurl in
that third-story window in thirty seconds."

I saw this sign posted once, it said, "Blasting Zone Ahead." Wow. Shouldn't that read: "Road Closed?"
What do you mean there's a blasting zone? What am I supposed to do? "Hey--uh, you might wanna
buckle up. Blasting zone coming up. Yeah. Just saw the sign. Put the helmets on back there! Yeah I
think we're-- (Pow!)-- Oh! We're getting close! (Pow!)-- Oh! This is gonna be a bad blasting zone!
Remember that last one--we lost Billy?"

Have you ever been sitting in your seat [on an airplane], and you see somebody trying to fit
something in the overhead rack that you know ain't going in there in a million years? They have like
a mattress and a lamp. You're looking at them like, "What kind of perception problem does this guy
have?" And the flight attendants are always nice. They always run up and act like it might maybe fit.
"Oh, gosh, I don't know if that's going to get up there. We can check it for you, you moron." I know
that's what they want to say. I would last nine seconds at that job. I would just run up, "Hey does
that look like it's gonna fit? What the heck is the matter with you? You've got this much room, and
you've got a dead yak."

"Ladies and Gentlemen, we're about to begin boarding. If we could ask for your cooperation, please
stay seated until you row has been called." ... That's what they say--but somehow, by the time it
comes out of the speaker, it sounds like, "Everybody up and rush the door! Everybody up and try to
squeeze your big fat butts in the small gate door area! Immediately! ... Do whatever you have to do
to get on board. This is the last helicopter out of Vietnam!"

Why would a dog bark at three o'clock in the morning in your neighborhood? ... I'm talkin' about
when there's one dog doing a monologue... What are they doing? I think they just go on the porch at
that hour, and just go, "Hey, it's nice and quiet. Why don't I bark it up for no reason whatsoever?"
(Barking noise) And right when you think he's done, (More barking noises) "What the hell's the
matter with you?" "I'm a dog. Barking." How do you argue with him? Wouldn't it be weird if people
were like that for no reason? Like if some guy went on his porch at three o'clock in the morning.
Nobody knows him, new to the neighborhood. "HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY,
HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY." "Hey, you alright, man?" "HEY, HEY, HEY."

[We took our kids to a butterfly pavillion, and] this worker goes, "I'll be happy to answer all your
butterfly questions today." "Okay. All of them?" Where do you begin when you get that kind of
green light? So this guy's following us around, and it's falling on me to brainstorm up butterfly
questions. I'm just, like, "Um... this... what I wanna... does this one like to eat? ... I was thinking,
could there be a less stressful job than working in a butterfly pavilion? I mean, what could possibly
go awry? "So how was work, dear?" "Don't even get me started. I've had it up to here with those
butterflies. I had this yellow one landing lightly on flowers. And this purple one fluttering around and
around. Like I don't know what he's up to! I can't take the politics!"

The Kennedys are great speakers, right? John Kennedy said, "Ask not what your country can do for
you. Ask what you can do for your country." And then Robert Kennedy was credited with, "Some
people look at things the way they are and ask, 'Why?' I look at things that never were and ask, 'Why
not?'" It's powerful. But it must have been weird growing up with them, you know, speaking in flip-
flops around the dinner table. "Ask not if someone can pass the salt and pepper to you. Ask if you
can pass the salt and pepper to someone." "Some people look at creamed corn and ask, 'Why?' I
look at creamed corn and ask, 'Why not?'" And then Ted's like, "There any more rolls?"

This is an actual negative campaign ad--I'm not making this up--about the other candidate. "He
voted to allow seven-year-olds to be tasered." That's an actual ad. And they interviewed the guy
who had voted for that. He was like, "I meant worst-case scenario. If the kid gets a weapon, we don't
wanna hurt him. In the worst case you can taser him and get the weapon away." As if that was that
man's platform. "I want to taser seven-year-olds." He's talking with his staff--"When I'm elected, can
we have some seven-year-olds on the stage with me? I think I'll swear in, and then I'll taser a seven-
year-old. Think that'd be a nice way to start the term. 'I solemnly'--and then I'll taser another one.
How many can we bus in for this?"

I like watching C-SPAN. C-SPAN is daring. Because the other news stations won't go a second without
somebody talking. C-SPAN will show when a press conference is over. And they'll show some guy
wrapping TV cable around his elbow for 15 minutes. And I can't turn the channel. "I wonder how
much more cable he's got. How come nobody's helping him?" But then they show really cool stuff.
They show Congress deliberating. They way they do it just intrigues me. "I would like to respectuflly
submit to the distinguished Senator from the fine state of South Caroline, that although I applaud
your many years of service in this legislative body, on this particular issue, I must respectuflly
disagree." I'm like, "Is he mad at him?" Wouldn't it be great if couples argued like that? "I would like
to respectfully submit to my beautiful wife, that although I've enjoyed our many years of matrimonal
happiness, if you're not ready within the next five minutes, the car will be leaving without you."

How come they don't think you can handle a new story out of the blue [on the TV news]? They gotta
make a little lame segue. "Hey, that's a big lotto jackpot! Speaking of lotto, there was a lot o' crime
in the city today." Oh. I'm right with you. I'm right on your tail. Thanks for smoothing that out. I
would've been lost.

You watch a fishing show. At the end, they roll credits. There's 90 people involved with these two
guys fishing! What the hell are they all doing? And one of the credits is "film editor." This poor guy,
he's got to watch all the footage that's not exciting enough to make it into the final product. His life
must be hell--watching fishing footage all day, going, "No. ... No. ... No. ... No. ... Oh--right there! He
put the worm on the hook. That's good. That's good. We need that. We need that. (to coworker)
Hey, uh--you know that 2 hour period where neither of them move? Yeah--we're gonna have to
tighten that up a litle bit. Make a little jump cut." And one of the credits was writer. There's a writer
for the--what the hell's he writing? Dialogue like, "Ooh--she's a beauty. ... Hey--I think I'm gonna
have to throw her back in." So I guess these fisherman got to learn their lines. You know--they catch
a fish. "Oh--I got a line. She's a beauty fish! She's a fish in, it's, uh, beauty fish..."

I did some writing for that movie. The remake of Planet of the Apes. I didn't write the script. But I
wrote some lines that they ended up... not using. ... I wrote one line. I thought it would've been
perfect. I don't know if anyone saw the movie. It's the scene where the ape general comes in. And
they're trying to decide if they should attack right there, or wait until a little later. And I wrote: "Man
these bananas are good!" But they didn't use it. I did all of that research.

If a movie makes it really big, they do the obvious thing, right? They make an amusement park ride
out of it. ... The connection is obvious. You get off, "Man, that was just like the movie! Only the
movie had a storyline and characters, and that was a little more like a roller coaster."

I think the most horrible name for a crime has to be manslaughter. ... "I slaughtered a man! Just like
a pig! Put him on a spit and put an apple in his mouth!"

We also had to get the phone turned on. It's different than I thought. I didn't know how it works, so I
asked him, "How does that work? Do we have to wait in our home for a few days for the phone
people to come out?" "No--we do it differently now. We can just flip the switch from right here."
"Oh, great ... Can you go ahead and flip it?" "We're gonna flip it next Thursday." "Can you flip it right
now?" "We're gonna flip it Thursday, late, or Friday, or sometime in November." "Can you see it
from where you're at? Can I come down and flip it?"

Chris Rock

You know what's wild about the old black man, though? An old black man--he ain't going to let you
fuck up his money. Whenever an old black man sees an old white man, the old black man always
kisses the old white man's ass. "How you doing, sir? Pleased to meet you. Whatever I can get you,
you let me know." As soon as the white man get out of sight, he's like: "Cracker-ass cracker! I'll put
my foot in the crack of your ass, cracker-ass cracker! I wish that cracker would've said some shit to
me, saltine-assed, motherfucking cracker! (spits) motherf (spits) motherf... cracker, kiss my ass, you
fucking cracker!" The white man come back. [And the old black man says to him:] "Howdy, sir?"

I got an uncle real crazy. My uncle B. 55 years old, hates the white people, married to a white lady.
And he sits around going, "You know, these crackers ain't shit. Except for Susie." He tried to explain
the whole thing to me. One day he said, "Yeah, yeah. I got a white wife. I love her, she love me.
That's all that matters. But I'll tell you this: if the revolution ever come, I'll kill her first! Just to show
these crackers I mean business! Motherfucker, cracker-ass, motherfucker cracker! Shit, cracker
motherfucker! [To wife:] Hey, hey--hi, honey. [To Chris:] Motherfucker cracker. I'll kill my cracker
kids, too!"
Farrakhan got everybody together for the Million Man March and everything. But Farrakhan don't
like the Jews. Which is bugged. I get my hair cut on Dekalb Avenue. I never been in a barbershop and
heard a bunch of brothers talking about Jews. Black people don't hate Jews. Black people hate white
people! We don't got time to dice white people up into little groups. I hate everybody! I don't care if
you just got here. "Hey, I'm Romanian." "You Romanian cracker!"

There's nothing a white person could ever say to me that will ever catch me off guard, ever. I'm
always looking for some racism. ... I could be sitting down with Regis Philbin, doing an interview,
talking about Madagascar 2, say, "Yeah Regis, Madagascar 2 is real good, man. I play a zebra again.
Oh, this shit great." And right in the middle of the interview, Regis would pull a pencil out of his
pocket, stab me in the neck, say, "Take that, you fucking nigger. Take that, you dirty, greasy nigger.
Take that, you fucking nigger." And I'll be like, "I should've seen it coming." I'll be mad at me. I'll
apologize. "Hey, man, I left my neck all out, man. I'm sorry, man."

I used to work at McDonald's making minimum wage. You know what that means when someone
pays you minimum wage? You know what your boss was trying to say? It's like, "Hey, if I could pay
you less, I would--but it's against the law."

That's all we had when I was a kid: Robitussin. No matter what you got, Robitussin better handle it.
"Daddy, I got asthma." "Robitussin." "I got cancer." "Robitussin." "I broke my leg." Daddy poured
Robitussin on it. "Yeah, boy, let that 'tussin get in there. Yeah, boy, let that 'tussin get on down to
the bone. The 'tussin ought to straighten out the bone."

All a woman really wants you to do is ask her the correct questions that will allow her to run her
fucking mouth! You set her up, she'll knock them down. Fellas, you want your woman to be happy?
All you got to say is, "How was your day? Honey, how was your day" Know why? 'Cause "How was
your day?" is a 45 minute conversation to a woman. And as a man, you don't really gotta talk. You
gotta just act like you're talking. "Get out of here. Go on! I don't believe it. ... You don't say! Really?
Get out of here! ... Go on. I don't believe it. You don't say? Get out of here. ... I told you that bitch
crazy!" You gotta throw in, "I told you that bitch crazy." You know why? 'Cause every woman's got
another woman at her job that she can't stand. Women, y'all exaggerate everything. You turn it into
some Dynasty shit, like: "She's trying to destroy me!" What the fuck are you talking about? You wrap
up bags at J.C. Penney's! What's she doing, ripping up your paper?

Ladies, it ain't that you talk too much. You just talk too much as soon as we get in the fucking door.
Let a man get situated. We don't need to hear everything right away. Soon as you take one step in,
"You're not gonna believe this..." Let me get my other foot in the fucking door!

Who the biggest liars? Women the biggest liars. Look at you, all of you. You're a fucking liar. You!
You're a liar! You're all liars. All of you are fucking liars! Masters of the lie. The visual lie. Look at you.
You got on heels, you ain't that tall. You got on makeup, your face don't look like that. You got a
weave, your hair ain't that long. You got a Wonderbra on, your titties ain't that big. Everything about
you is a lie. And you expect me to tell the truth? Fuck you!

Relationships: easy to get into, hard to maintain. ... 'Cause at some point, you have heard everything
this person has to say, and it makes you sick to your stomach. You know what they're gonna say
before it even comes out their mouth. And you just wanna stab them in the neck with a pencil! You
can't take the shit no more! And they're like, "Remember that time..." "Yeah--I remember that
time!" "I ever tell you about..." "Yeah--you told me about that time! Stop telling me the same shit
over and over again! Why don't you go out and get kidnapped, have some new shit happen to you?"

Why is it so hard to be a man? 'Cause nobody cares about men. Nobody gives a fuck about men. If
you see a homeless man on the street with a dog, you feel sorry for the dog. ... Every night on TV, I
see there's a new missing woman. "We got to find Carol. Where's Carol? We must find Carol. Carol
didn't come home last night. Where the fuck is Carol?" I've never seen one of these things for a
missing man yet. It's like, "Bob didn't come last night." "Good. I hope he never comes home.
Probably out fucking Carol."

Nobody gives a fuck about Daddy. Everybody takes Daddy for granted. ... "Tell your mama how good
the food is. Tell her how nice the house looks. Tell your mama how nice her hair looks. Did you tell
your mama? You better go in there and tell your mama. That's right! Tell your mama." Nobody ever
tells Daddy shit. ... What does Daddy get for all his work? The big piece of chicken. ... And some
women don't want to give up the big piece of chicken. Who the fuck is you to keep the big piece of
chicken? ... When I was a kid, my mama would lose her mind if one of us ate the big piece of chicken
by accident. "What the fuck! You ate the big piece of chicken? Oh, Lord! No, no. Now I got to take
some chicken and sew it up and shit. Get me two wings and a pork chop."

It's real easy to tell whose kids are gonna be fucked up. It don't take no scientist to tell who's gonna
have some fucked up kids. If the kid calls his grandmamma "Mommy" and his mama "Pam," he's
going to jail.

It's hard to defend [rap lyrics like] "I've got hos in different area codes". It's hard to defend "Move
bitch, get out the way!" "Well, as you can see, there's a bitch in his way, that he needs to move. Thus
the term, 'Move, bitch, get out the way.' You need to open your eyes so you can get the bitches out
of your way!"

All the stuff going on in the news, it's just a trick to get your mind off the war. That's all it is. A trick
to get your mind off the war. Okay? ... Bush sent that girl to Kobe's room, Bush sent that little boy to
Michael Jackson's house, Bush killed Lacy Peterson, Bush was fucking Paris Hilton in that video! All to
get your mind off the war.

What the fuck? Another kid? [Referring to Michael Jackson's second child molestation charge]
Another... That's like another dead white woman showing up at O.J.'s house, and O.J. going "I know
what you're thinking..."

What is up with Jermaine [Jackson]? Is it just me or is he the greasiest nigga you ever seen? Just
greasy motherfucker. Llooking like he sprayed Armoral on his face! Just glistening--like Patrick Ewing
in the fourth quarter! When Jermaine is on the TV, I got to wipe the screen! "I can't see shit!
Jermaine must've been on!" Even the police can't catch his ass. He just slips out! They're like
"Somebody throw some sand on that nigga please!"

Ben Rosenfeld
Last night I didn't realize I said "abortion" [in my stand up comedy act] instead of "circumcision." No
wonder I got blank stares at "rabbi got faint at sight of blood."

Jeffrey Ross

These airlines are falling apart! They lost my luggage. They fucked my Aunt. "Sir, the flight's
completely overbooked. We're gonna have to fuck your Aunt. You can pick her up at baggage claim
in 20 minutes. And she's five pounds overweight. We have to charge extra " Bye, Aunt Donna!

Conrad Roth

Women like a guy with a sense of humor and they also like a guy with diamonds, just not comedians
or refugee miners.

Steve Schneider

There is a strength of conviction that can only come from being 100% wrong.

I wish I could blame my failure on my integrity & refusal to play bullshit games. But the truth is I just
play them really badly.

I at least have the decency to hate on & talk shit about people I have met & personally know are
assholes.

Even hating myself I still think I'm better than you.

These Korean shopkeepers seem pretty angry at me for not being Korean.

I only lie for sex or money or to practice for when I need to lie for sex or money.

My parents lied to me. They DIDN'T tell me I was a worthless piece of shit.

Jerry Seinfeld

They seal him [the subway change-booth guy] up inside this thing with bullet-proof glass, closed in
on all sides, it's like some kind of Houdini torture tank of doom. How do you breathe in there? It
looks like if you put your hand over the change slot, you could suffocate him in thirty seconds.

Why does that pharmacist have to be two and a half feet higher than everybody else? Who the hell
is this guy? "Clear out, everybody. I'm working with pills up here. I'm taking them from this big bottle
and then I'm gonna put them in the little bottle. That's my whole job. I can't be down on the floor
with you people."
There is no more male idea in the history of the universe than: "Why don't we fly up to the Moon
and drive around?" That is the essence of male thinking right there. All men kinda think of
themselves like low-level super-heroes in their own world. I'm not even supposed to be telling you
this. But when men are growing up and are reading about Batman, Spiderman, Superman... these
aren't fantasies. These are options. This is the deep inner secret truth of the male mind. I'll give you
a perfect example of what I'm talking about. Did you ever see a guy, out on the highway, moving a
mattress tied to the roof of the car? Without fail, he's got the arm out of the window holding the
mattress. This is classic male idiot super-hero thinking. This moron believes that if the wind catches
this huge rectangle at 70 mph... "I got it! I got it! Don't worry about it. I'm using my arm!"

I'll tell you what I like about Chinese people: they're hanging in there with the chop sticks, aren't
they? You know they've seen the fork. They're staying with the sticks.

Some of the events in the Olympics don't make sense to me. I don't understand the connection to
any reality... Like in the Winter Olympics they have that biathlon that combines cross-country skiing
with shooting a gun. How many alpine snipers are into this? Ski, shoot a gun... ski, bang, bang,
bang... It's like combining swimming and strangling a guy. Why don't we have that? That makes
absolutely as much sense to me. Just put people in the pool at the end of each lane for the
swimmers.

The toughest nights [when I was a young, unknown comedian] were opening for these real old-time
Italian singers. I'm like Grace Jones to them. "This guy is nuts--talking about socks. Where's the wife
jokes, where's the fat jokes?"

Garry Shandling

When I'm not in a relationship, I shave one leg, so when I sleep, it feels like I'm with a woman.

I don't talk about my hair anymore because I've matured. I matured and realized it doesn't matter
what you look like. It's what kind of hair you have inside that counts.

Julius Sharpe

I'm never happier than when I forget I have a twitter account.

My daughter only knows eight words and already has twenty more friends than I do.

Sarah Silverman

Everybody blames the Jews for killing Christ, and then the Jews try to pass it off on the Romans. You
know, I'm one of the few people that believes it was the blacks.

Once you hit 30, you've gotta decide fast. 'Cause it can be difficult to conceive. It can be dangerous. I
mean, the best time to have a baby is when you're a black teenager.
I don't wanna be labeled as straight or labeled as gay. I just want people to look at me and see me as
white.

I'm not a, like, a hoity-toity kind of girl. I, like, I don't wear any jewelry. I'm not like, um, I don't really,
I'm not into jewelry or anything. I'm such a hypocrite. I, there's a jewel that I think is, there is one
jewel that I think is stunning. That I, it's just like a classic and it's just, it's just gorgeous, you know?
And it's really, um... It's rare. You know, it's only found like on the tip of the tailbone of Ethiopian
babies. They--they de-bone the babies. I know that sounds so bad when you say it out loud. But, no,
if you saw it--so worth it. So worth it. You know, it's like--how do I even describe it? Like, uh, like if,
um, like if a diamond had that newborn-baby smell. I want it!

She, uh, came out of the closet recently, my niece. Um... She announced to the family that she's a
lesbian and... She's seven, did I mention that? And, uh, I don't even know if she knows what a lesbian
is, but I support her completely. And, uh... I'll tell you what's heartbreaking. My sister punished her
for it. Can you believe that? No pussy for a week. Which to us may not sound like... But when you're
seven, you know, a week is a long time.

David Venhuizen

All I would prescribe if I were a psychologist is seven years of chopping wood in Alaska.

Sheng Wang

I love riding my bicycle in this town. Sometimes people make fun of me because I choose to wear a
helmet. But it doesn't bother me, though. You know why? Because that's also my favorite kind of
humor. Yeah. Talking shit about safety. It's so fun. It's so fun. Like, whenever I see my dad and he's
taking his blood pressure medication, I got to clown him. I'm, like, "Yo, yo--check out this heart nerd.
Trying to lower his cholesterol like a bitch. Man, I ain't scared of no strokes." Or, like, if I see a
pedestrian, I'm, like, "Yo--check out that mama's boy looking both ways. When I cross the street I
look one way: directly at the sun."

The Drug Enforcement Agency threw a young man in jail and then totally forgot about him for four
days. According to the report, they found him barely alive. He was delirious, he was dehydrated, he
had to drink his own urine, and he was covered in his own feces. He survived, he sued, and got $4.1
million. Four days. That's a long time to go with no food and no water. But I think it might be a little
bit too soon to be covered in your own feces. I don't know. I think he jumped the gun on feces.
Right? That's not even a survival tactic. He was just bored. You know, he was, like, he was done
masturbating. He was, like, "I guess it's time. It's time for poopy fashion show." But you know that
helped his case. You know that got him more money. And so, what I hope happened was, on the
fourth day he heard the guards come, and he was like, "Oh, shit. Time to get paid. Cha-ching!"

Rob Whisman
somewhere, dennis miller is dropping a dostoevsky reference mid-arbys order

Ron White

My first marriage ended in divorce because my wife thought that I had cheated on her. And I did,
and I'll tell you why. When you enter into a monogamous relationship with someone you agree to
not have sex with anyone else, ever—for-fuckin'-ever—but...when that person decides they're not
going to have sex altogether, you find yourself in quite a pickle. I was doing a show in Columbus,
Ohio, and I haven't gotten laid in 3 months. 3 MONTHS! You can't go 3 months without having sex
with me. I'll go have sex with somebody else. I know, I've seen me do it. After the show, this
gorgeous woman comes up to me, about mid-30's, long black dress, slit up to her waist, GORGEOUS.
And she says to me, "I thought you were funny, I would like to buy you a drink." I was like, "Naw, I
can't do that, I'm married." And she says, "I didn't ask if you wanted to fuck, big boy. I asked if you
would like to come have a drink at my place."...Alright. Now, you know of that little guy that stands
on your shoulder and reminds you of your prior commitments and moral fortitude? Well, I didn't
hear a peep out of that guy. He hadn't been laid in 3 months, either.

The arresting officer--who I had literally known all my life, you know what I mean? This guy lived four
doors down from me in a town of less than 400 people. We've met. Anyway, at the station, he asks
me if I have any aliases. And I was just being a smartass and said, "Yeah, they call me... Tater Salad."
Seventeen years later, I'm handcuffed to a bench with blood coming out my nose, this cop comes up
to me and says, "Are you Ron... 'Tater Salad' White?"

I saw a commercial the other day, and I really don't understand the organization, and I really don't
understand who they think they're ever gonna help. And it was for a company called
www.don'tshakeababy.com. Now, I'm not gonna get up here and take a big pro-baby-shaking
stance, so you can go ahead and relax, Seattle. But I don't know who they're supposed to help.
Because if you're such an inbred, meth-head shit-hook, that you would consider shaking a baby, the
only thing that's gonna help you is a beheading. Now, I know there's people in the audience tonight
going, "But Ron, Ron, Ron--but Ron! What if the baby's asking for it?" Don't shake a baby! "What if I
can't find my car keys and I've looked everywhere?" Yeah--even then. I went on to
www.don'tshakeababy.com, and they have links to similar websites. They have a link to www.don't-
stick-your-dick-in-a-toaster.com, and they have a link to www.don't-shove-a-ferret-in-your-ass.com.
And there's a lot of reasons why you don't want a ferret in your ass. Because they're not like gerbils.
They've got fangs and claws and a lot of shit you don't need in your ass, man.

Henny Youngman

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a
week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?

He had a defect, which to a comic might be fatal. He wasn't funny.

I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. "Peanuts. Popcorn."

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

The more I think of you, the less I think of you.

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

Some people play a horse to win, some to place. I should have bet this horse to live.

I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.

Anonymous / Unknown

The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in
your sleep.

Why is it so hard to find undercooked meat? Because it's rare.

What does a gay horse eat? Haaaay!

What's big, red, and eats rocks? A big red rock-eater.