Complimentary Fashion

by

Case Blackwell and Pat McLean

e-mail:
woodsinthebear@gmail.com

website:
woodsinthebear.com
Complimentary Fashion
August 2010

CAST
Franz - 30s - over the top German accent
Kyler - 20s
Dimitrious - 20
Seamus - 20s
Griffen - 20s
Hobo - 50s

(Kyler is shopping for clothes. Franz

approaches Kyler.)

FRANZ
Oh, no. Not that. That’s hideous.

KYLER
Hideous? It’s in your store.

FRANZ
Do not lecture me on the contents of my store. I will dress
you now. Dimitrious!

(Franz claps his hands twice.

Dimitrious enters, modeling footwear.)

FRANZ
Fabulous! Athletic socks and thong sandals. No one is doing
this. More than fierce. Ready to tackle the town.

KYLER
That’s a little too retiree in Boca for me.

FRANZ
Hah. Silly urban American boy. No style. Not ready for
high European fashion.

KYLER
Ok, how much are we talking?

(Franz claps.)

FRANZ
You need price check? Dimitrious!

(Dimitrious enters and strikes a series

of poses, then exits.)

FRANZ
220 Euros.

KYLER
That’s $440!
woodsinthebear.com 2.

FRANZ
It’s the price of class.

KYLER
Ok, fine.

FRANZ
Go see Hagen Fragen. He will have your purchase and
complimentary designer foot ladder.

(Kyler exits.)

(Seamus is shopping for clothes. Franz

approaches Seamus.)

FRANZ
Oh, no. Not that. That makes you look fat.

KYLER
Fat? I’m no where near fat.

FRANZ
Do not lecture me on the contents of your waistline. I will
dress you now. Dimitrious!

(Franz claps his hands twice.

Dimitrious enters, modeling outfit.)

FRANZ
Fabulous! Jean shorts and a wife beater with mustard stains.
No one is doing this. Ferocious like a pretzel. Ready to
invade the disco.

SEAMUS
Maybe if I lived in a trailer park.
FRANZ
Sigh. Pathetic American suburbanite. No style. Thirty
years behind German fashion.

SEAMUS
... Alright. I’ve got a girlfriend to impress. What are we
talking?

(Franz claps.)

FRANZ
Dimitrious!

(Dimitrious enters and strikes a series

of poses and exits.)

FRANZ
430 Euros.
woodsinthebear.com 3.

SEAMUS
That’s almost $900.

FRANZ
Small price to pay to exit the womb that is your wardrobe.

SEAMUS
You drive a hard bargain, but wrap it up.

FRANZ
Go see Hagen Fragen. He will have your purchase and
complimentary Sharper Image pneumatic hammer.

(Seamus exits. Griffen is shopping for

clothes. Franz approaches Griffen.)

FRANZ
Oh, no. Not that. You will make people want to strike you
in blind rage.

GRIFFEN
Nobody is going to hit me for what I’m wearing.

FRANZ
Do not lecture me on your impotent liberal pacifism. I will
now blitzkrieg your pants. Dimitrious!

(Franz claps his hands twice. Enter

Dimitrious.)

FRANZ
Fabulous! Elastic waistband sweatpants, high school class
ring and vintage 1996 Big Dog t-shirt. No one is doing this.
Delicious like industrial adhesive. Ready to solicit the
nursing home.
GRIFFEN
That’s... what?

FRANZ
Dismissive gesture. Foolish American mountain hermit. No
style. Submerged in the shizen filled sewer of American
culture.

GRIFFEN
You are nothing if you aren’t a damn fine salesman. I’ll
take it. How much?

(Franz claps.)

FRANZ
Dimitrious!
woodsinthebear.com 4.

(Dimitrious enters and strikes a series

of poses. Franz slaps Dimitrious.
Dimitrious exits.)

FRANZ
1340 Euros.

GRIFFEN
That’s over $2500!

FRANZ
It’s the price of looking uber muffinshlagen.

GRIFFEN
Is muffinshlagen in right now?

FRANZ
Very. Go see Hagen Fragen. He will have your purchase and
complimentary Hans Groebel designer sewer grate.

(Griffen exits. Hobo enters.)

FRANZ
Oh no, not... wait. That. That is brilliant. What you are
wearing is beyond words.

HOBO
I’m just lookin’ for a warm meal and a place to sleep. Maybe
some whiskey if you’ve got it.

FRANZ
You are the future of fashion. Dimitrious!

(Franz claps twice. Dimitrious

enters.)
FRANZ
You are fired. And you. That scent. It is tantalizing. I
must know what it is.

HOBO
I call it dumpster urine.

(Blackout.)