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The problem is the solution:The principle of sponsorship in psychotherapy

I. Introduction

In the movie "Pleasantville", two adolescent siblings from the 1990's find themselvestransported
into a 1950's black and white TV sitcom landscape based on the old show"Father Knows Best".
While on the surface everything seems perfect, there is no depth,mystery, color, or soul in this
world. Everyone lives in an enclosed "pleasant trance"devoid of real liveliness, a sort of mindless
"brave new world". The two "visitors"instigate a series of happenings that precipitate
awakenings in each person, includingthemselves. Each awakening occurs when a person
connects with a hidden or undeveloped part of his or her being. For a teenage athlete, it
happens via love andromance; for the kids' "mother", it comes from discovering the sensuality
of her body; for the father, it comes from recognizing his longings; for the girl, it comes from
readingclassics; for the boy, it comes from finding his fierceness. In each case, the experienceand
expression of undeveloped parts of one’s self transforms the person into living"color". They and
others around them have then to deal with the myriad of responses thatarise in response to this
awakening.Pleasantville is all around us. It keeps us asleep through false smiles, violent
threats,unspoken fears, disembodied thinking, numbness, consumerism, and other practices of
the modern and postmodern world. A corporate woman in a poetry workshop (cited byWhyte,
1994, p. 31) once wrote:

"Ten years ago….. I turned my face for a moment And it became my life."

We have all suffered those ten-year "gaps" in our lives, where we thought we were present but
then, in hindsight, realized we weren’t.The damming of life cannot continue forever. Sooner or
later, the river leaks through, bringing with it a myriad of memories, dreams, and reflections.
This can be a frighteningtime, for the fear in exile is that we will be overwhelmed, perhaps even
die, if we allowthese currents to wash over and through us. New defenses arise--more
dissociation, morecompulsive behaviors, more "playing dead", more intellectualization, more
violenceagainst self and others—all desperate attempts to regain control and expel the
"negativeotherness" that presses upon us. At some point, it becomes clear that we’re losing the
battle—we’re dealing with a presence stronger than our ego, and our vaunted defensescan no
longer keep separate from it. In desperation, we may turn to a therapist in hopes of fortifying
our ego and its defenses.When a client visits us, how we regard the disturbances in their lives—
the experiencesand events that are throwing them into "organized chaos" - makes a great deal
of difference. The traditional view is generally that we should help the client overcome

these “pathological” forces that threaten their well being. This view regards the"problem"as an
“enemy” that should be defeated, through any means possible. MiltonErickson (1980a; 1980b)
pioneered an entirely different approach, one based onaccepting and working with a person's
"problems" as unique presences that could, under the proper conditions, be the basis for new
learning and growth. For example, a youngsecretary was utterly convinced that a large gap in her
teeth made her ugly andundesirable. Erickson had her learn to squirt water through the gap in
her teeth until shewas able to hit a distant target. He then got her to lay in waiting at the office
water cooler in order to "ambush" a young man (to whom she was attracted) with a squirt of
water.One thing led to another, and the couple lived happily ever after.

The legacy of Milton Erickson has been elaborated and deepened in many ways in thelast 20
years. My own work has moved from a more mainstream Ericksonian emphasis(see Gilligan,
1987) to the development of a neo-Ericksonian approach I call self-relations psychotherapy (see
Gilligan, 1997). Like Erickson’s work, self-relationsemphasizes the positive aspects of problem
and symptoms. It sees such disturbances of the "normal order" as evidence that "something is
waking up" in the life of a person or community. Such disturbances are double-edged crises. On
the one side, they are (oftenhidden) opportunities for major growth. Most of us, for example,
can recall negativeevents—a death, divorce, illness, or addiction—that led to significant positive
change inour lives. On the other side, such disturbances can very destructive—we can get lost
indepression, acting out, or other problematic behaviors. Self-relations suggests that
thedifference is in whether a disturbance can be "sponsored" by a skillful human presence.The
principle and processes of sponsorship are the cornerstone of self-relations. The
word"sponsorship" comes from the Latin spons, meaning, "to pledge solemnly". Sosponsorship
is a vow to help a person (including one’s self) use each and every event andexperience to
awaken to the goodness and gifts of the self, the world, and the connections between the two.
Self-relations suggests that experiences that come into a person's life arenot yet fully human;
they have no human value until a person is able to "sponsor them".Via sponsorship, experiences
and behaviors that are problematic may be realized asresources and gifts. In this way, what had
been framed and experienced as a problem isrecognized as a "solution".The motto for
therapeutic sponsorship may be found on the Statue of Liberty in the NewYork Harbor:

"Give me your tired, your poor

,Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.

The wretched refuse of your teeming shores.

Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me.

I lift my lamp by the golden door."

(Emma Lazarus, 1849-1887)


In self-relations, this motto not only refers to people, but to experiences and behaviors aswell.
For example, Fred was an academic who was seeing me for what he described as “low-grade,
long-time depression." He arrived one session complaining of being "asexual pervert." Taking a
sabbatical year off to write and to stay home with his baby son,Fred found himself downloading
pornography from the Internet for up to 3 hours a day.He explained that it took him this long
partly because his fear of being “caught” wouldnot allow him to give his credit card; instead, he
would search for sites featuring free“teaser pictures", download them, and then meticulously
organize them into a library thathad to be constantly updated. I had been working with him for
about three months on his presenting problems of feeling depressed and anxious in some work-
related matters. Hehad let me know in general terms about the pornography interests when I
previouslyinquired about his sexual and social life, but had strongly rebuffed my attempts to
engagehim around those topics.

In bringing it up now, he said it was draining his energy and he desperately wanted to
dosomething about it. As I listened to him, I noticed that my early Catholic guilt had come back
to visit me, suggesting I send Fred to Fr. McCarthy for confession, followed by alifetime of very
cold showers. I also noticed that this "suggestion" led to my feeling off-center and rigid, so I
allowed it to pass. (A major benefit of both hypnosis and meditationis that it teaches you a "just
let it happen" attitude toward your mind, so you cancompassionately observe each thought or
feeling without identification, and then decidehow you’d like to proceed.). I worked to develop a
receptive state in which I feltconnected, open, and curious as to the positive gift that was
awakening within Fred. After several minutes I became aware of what a beautiful man Fred was,
something I hadsomehow overlooked previously. I found myself talking with him about how
sexualenergy is perhaps the most powerful, undefeatable energy in the world. I suggested
thatfinding one's deep sexual identity is a lifelong challenge that takes everything one has.
Iadmired and complimented Fred on the amazing depth and intensity of his sexual presence, and
noted that I had little confidence in his repressing it.

The relational "field" seemed filled with a deep connection, probably the most connectedI've felt
with Fred. He seemed touched and receptive to my compliments, and developeda light hypnotic
state in response to them. I talked some more about how for whatever reasons, his sexuality
seemed to be calling him to a deeper awareness. He agreed, but saidhe was scared. I
acknowledged he was scared, taking special emphasis to note, "Yes,Fred, as a sexual being you
are scared. "Pausing to let this stand on its own, I then asked,"As a sexual being, who else are
you? "He laughed a bit nervously before saying, "I’malso very horny!" I paused to sense this part
of his sexual self before feeding back, "Yes,Fred, as a sexual being you are also horny!" I then
suggested he continue with further answers to the "Who am I as a sexual being?" question. It
took a little coaching for Fredto settle down so he could speak, feel, hold, and make visible one
sexual identity at atime. For example, he might say, "As a sexual being, I am really ashamed",
then beencouraged to let go, feel that identity in his bodymind as I fed it back and
acknowledgedthe importance of that truth. The next one might be, "As a sexual being, I really
getturned on by looking at beautiful naked female bodies". As he spoke it, I would see
it,nonverbally connect with it, gently name it, encourage him to know it, and nonverballywitness
it. After ten seconds or so or silence, I would ask, "Who else are you as a sexual being?" This
continued for about eight identities, including "I am….afraid, really turned on, interested in
touch, numb, obsessed, paranoid, and intense. Each identity wasindividually sensed, felt, made
visible, properly named, blessed, and allowed its special place.

Somewhere during the process, Fred looked so beautiful, the way people look in therapywhen
they're no longer dissociating. It was like he somehow found a way to begin tomake room and
reveal the deepest parts of his sexual identity. We talked about howsexual identity had so many
different emotional truths and identities enfolded within in it.I suggested that really
distinguished a "pervert" from a vital, healthy sexual being was theability to sense the relational
connections between these diverse identities as well as feelthe "unitary field" of self that held all
of them. (For example, many identities might becontradictory, but all can have a place in the
field of self.) We talked about a fewtechnical ways (extensions of the exercise) he could practice
this sponsorship of sexualidentity.Two weeks later, at the next session, Fred shared his surprise
that for whatever reason, his preoccupation with Internet pornography had been virtually
absent. At the same time, he started to focus on concerns for his wife and their relationship.
Further sessions focusedon couples work, especially in terms of the relation between intimacy
and sexuality.

II. A few ideas about sponsorship

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