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09/11/00 Issue no: 993

Floods Part Global A Century


2: Photos Warming of Fakers Security Policy
p3 p5 p9 p17

Great Balls Of Fire


The touring freak show turned
out to be stranger than usual,
last Wednesday in the Union.
As the ‘Carnival of the Bizarre’
ended their performance, the
Wacky Wednesday theme
holding true, a surprise was in
store for everybody, including
the performers.
During the performance where
the audience were dazzled by the
celebration of the weird and won-
derful, we had seen sparks fly with
the act where chain-saws were
used on metal sheets attached to
the performers’ bodies. Earlier on
the Mongolian Laughing Boy had
meat hooks attached to his penis
but just in case that ordeal was not
painful enough for him, he then ran
on to the main stage and launched
an enormous fireball, with some of
the flames going on to the stage 1) Fireball Trick, 2) Face on Fire, 3) Man Runs Off to put Fire Out
itself. However, all was not quite as
it seemed with the finale. The

Troubled Water
laughing boy had inadvertently set
light to his own face. He ran
straight over to the curtain, to put
the fire out on it, with most of the
audience unaware that anything
had gone wrong, believing it to be Last Thursday (2nd November), an incident took the union reception. was close to passing out, so security placed
all part of the show. The laughing place in the Student’s Union, which led to the Upon arriving at reception, security immedi- him in the recovery position, whilst still restrain-
boy was taken straight to hospital local police becoming involved and a student ately took control of restraining the student, ing him. In the meantime, the union security
by ambulance and treated for spending the night behind bars. who did attempt, unsuccessfully, to punch ensured that all other students were able to
burns. The first year Chemistry male was returning them. They then asked for his union card, leave the union quickly and safely.
The laughing boy has now to university from a round of pub golf in town; which he refused to supply, and greeted the The police arrived within about ten minutes
rejoined his touring colleges and he was described by witnesses as in a drunken requested with a further attempt to assault a of being called and after the student attempted
will be performing his act again, and abusive state, when he walked into the member of the security team. After managing to punch them as well; they decided to take him
suffering no after-effects. It has union. The time was about 11:05pm and there to once again restrain the gentleman, union to the local station, where he spent the night in
since become apparent that one of was no security on the door because at this security rang for university security. the cells. He was released, without charge, the
the reasons for the act going time their task is to ensure that any students Within a matter of minutes, the team from following morning. The student has since writ-
wrong was that the performer used still in the building begin to vacate it. The stu- Senate House arrived, initially one, soon to be ten an unreserved apology to all concerned
lighter fuel instead of paraffin fuel. dent then proceeded to begin attacking anoth- joined by a further three. They took over the regarding his behavior that night, and it is
er student, unprovoked, but due to the levels of restraining of the student. However, despite believed that no further action is being taken on
By Luke Hickey alcohol he had consumed, the victim, believed advice from the union security as to the conse- the incident.
Photos by Alan Roy to be a friend of his attacker, was not injured in quences of attacking the senate security, he
the attempted assault. After a time the victim attempted to punch a member of the Senate By Luke Hickey.
had managed to restrain his fellow student, by team. Immediately the police were called. The
which time security had arrived at the scene, drunken student then threw-up on the floor and

Student Democracy: Have Your Say


With all these special working parties Council, whose next meeting is on Tuesday discussion. building.
going on to improve the services of the at 1pm on the main Union dancefloor.
Union Club, it is perhaps worth remem- Members of the various Union sub-commit- Topics under debate this Tuesday will David Abbott
bering that there is already an in-depth tees, as well as representatives from all include the tricky issue of campus security Union Chair
structure in place to ensure that the clubs and societies and all the Union offi- cameras and a proposed constitutional
Union is entirely responsible to its cials are expected to attend (or send apolo- interpretation that will affect all religious and
members. gies), but perhaps you did not know that all international societies. You can inspect a
members of the Union are equally welcome, copy of the agenda and all submitted
At the top of the tree, the supreme policy- and have the right to speak and vote on any motions on the Union notice board immedi-
making body of the Union is the Student subject raised, or even propose a motion for ately opposite the main entrance to the

barefacts@surrey.ac.uk News 1-3 n Features 4-6, n Barearts 7 - 18 n Lifestyle 20 n Sport 22-24


2 News 09/11/00

Editorial of the evening while I was left with grumbling of my


stomach for the evening. D’oh
Hopefully, you all managed to spot all the mistakes in
Editorial Team last week’s editorial, however, if you do spot any in Kevin Marston
the paper this issue then please come and join the
Editor
Editor Editor
barefacts proof reading club. This is opportunity for
Kevin Marston you to see the paper in advance and a great addition
to your CV, so if you fancy it emaiil me at
Deputy
Deputy Editor
Editor barefacts@surrey.ac.uk
Luke Hickey
If you were in Chancellors on Tuesday night around
Production
Production Editor
Editor about 6.00pm you may have heard this almighty
Andrew Thomas laughter from one of the tables on the stage. Well,
News this table was laughing at me and my unfortunate luck
News Team
Team Film
Film Editors
Editors of swallowing the top part of my tongue piercing,
James Buller Sariqa Wagley
which I can tell you is not an enjoyable experience.
Arthi Veerupillai Libby Hurt
The rest of the table was in stitches for the remainder

Features
Features Editor
Editor Science
Science Editor
Editor
Vacant Nick Walsh

Music
Music Editor
Editor Sports
Sports Editor
Editor
Owen Hazelby Dave Chapman

Arts
Arts Editor
Editor Marketing
Marketing Team
Team
Chris Morton Ali Danby
Ellen van Keulen by Arthi Veerupillai

Iranian Politician on Trial Radioactive leak


Contributers
Contributers
Ali Danby Jamileh Kadivar, one of Iran's leading female politi- It has been reported that the rivers around a secret
Ellen van Keulen cians, has been put on trial. She is charged with act- nuclear weapons complex, in Siberia have been badly
Dave Abbott ing against Iran's national security and insulting Islam, contaminated. A joint team of monitors said, "We've
Susie Westwell which relate to a conference in Berlin, last April. Mrs. never encountered such radiation. It's the worst con-
Gisela Böhnisch Kadivar, widely recognised as Iran's most popular tamination we've found". Even though the leak has
Tom Sugarman female reformer, denies the allegations. She main- damaged the plant and river life, there are no inten-
Melanie Wilberforce tains that the Iranian authorities knew about the con- tions of closing the plant down, as the plant provides
Andrew Gale ference beforehand and did not even attempt to pre- heating and electricity to the nearby town, Tomsk.
Greensoc vent anybody from going. At least 20 further people
MWC have been charged in relation to the conference. Judgement Day
Claire Hathway
Rebecca Lambert South African Policemen Charged with The long waits for the " King of US"
Stella Webb Brutality will now come to an end as millions of people voted
Madeleine M today. The first to vote were New Hamshire and
Samuel Hardwick Six South Africian policemen have been charged with Dixville Notch. The results so far - Bush got 38 votes,
& Dr Russ the attempted murder of three black suspects. The Al Gore took 18 and the Green Party candidate Ralph
white policemen were caught on an ametur video Nader had one according to the associated Press.
laughing as they set dogs on the suspects, alledgly
illegal immigrants. The dogs savaged the men's faces, The World is not enough
arms and legs. The footage also shows one of the offi-
cers repeatedly kick and beat the suspects, while they James Bond in real, yep its true! The Millennium
barefacts were lying on the floor, in agony. The footage was shot Dome was under attack by a gang of robbers who
Union House, University Of Surrey in 1998 but has only recently been made public. used a bulldozer to get in through the gates. The
Guildford, Surrey, GU2 7XH thieves were trying to rob the diamonds and the
Cease-fire in Jerusalem??? Millennium Star, which were on display in The Money
Tel: 01483 879275 Zone. Luckily the police and the owners were tipped
Fax: 01483 534749 off, this prevented a "Great Robbery". The diamonds
Just when the Israeli Prime minister Ehud Barak and
email: barefacts@surrey.ac.uk were said to be worth around £350 millions while the
Palestinian Leader Yasser Arafat finally plan to meet
Deadline for Publication in order to end the bloodshed between their countries, Star priceless. Six people were arrested at the scene
a massive car bomb exploded in the heart of which police believe reconstructed the scenes of Bond
Monday 12pm Jerusalem. The meeting was already late and then it movies, as they found a speed boat on the shores of
was totally put off as the bomb shocked the city last the Thames which belonged to the robbers.
Submissions Monday.
Siamese twin dies
preferably on disk / email in Word 6.0 Format, The powerful bomb thrashed the whole market place
Text in Arial, size 9 font killing two people, of which one of them was Ayelet Doctors announced that the Siamese twins have been
barefacts is an editorially independent newspaper, published by the University of Surrey Students' Union Communications Office. Hashashar Levy-daughter of former minister in Baraks separated, but only one of the twin; Jodie has survived
The views expressed within the paper are those of individual authors, and do not necessarily
government. The bombers who escaped were claimed the 20-hr marathon operation, which was completed
represent the views of the Editor, the Editorial Board, the University of Surrey Students' Union by the Islamic Jihad, a Muslim group whose only aim at 5am Tuesday morning. The doctors tried their best
or the University of Surrey. is to destroy Israel. The leaders are still going ahead to save Mary's life, but it was known that only one of
This publication may not be reproduced in whole or in part, stored in any form, copied or distributed, without the express permission with the truce, but their people are no longer thinking the twins would be alive.
of the publisher.
of peace at all.
All submissions must include the author's name and Union or Staff Number. Submission is no guarantee of publication.
Anonymous and Pseudonymous articles will not be published.
The operation went ahead even though the parent
barefacts reserves the right to edit submissions. Plane crash due to jet on 'wrong runway' opposed to it on religious grounds. Both the twins
Printed by would have died, without surgery. Money is being
raised to help the parents raise Jodie.
The Singapore Airlines plane 747, which crashed last
East End Offset (TU), Bow, London, E3 3LT week was not an accident, as the Airlines admit that it
© USSU Communications Office 2000 was mainly due to the jet being on the wrong runway. M40 crash
The runway was closed for repairs, but it still had its
light were on. The pilot is being held for questioning, One person is reported dead after a motorway acci-
Singapore Airlines spokesmen said "it's unlikely an dent, involving a coach, a lorry and a recovery vehicle
experienced captain could have taxied his aircraft on on the hard shoulder. The accident occurred on the
to..runway that was out of use. There are also the pos- northbound carriageway of the M40 near
sibilities that the control tower could have directed the Stokenchurch Bucks. This resulted in a number of
plane into the wrong runway casualties in which the number and the extent of the
. injuries are yet to be announced.
Considering all the statements the airline could be up
against a multi-dollar lawsuit and the airport may also Islamic Awareness week
face legal action.
Launched on Monday, is seeking to educate the pub-
lic about Islam and challenge the bad press it gets in
the press.
09/11/00 News 3

Flood Misery On Campus


The recent bad weather has not only effect- that collected between the grass bank and them, including their housekeeper and the said that there is very little that can be done
ed the lower lying parts of town it has also the kitchen and bedroom walls, and led to guys in the Cathedral Court Reception. about these leaks, although they will be
been creating havoc on campus. The worst the water leaking in. After an unsuccessful After the storms on Sunday again threat- remedied when the windows are replaced
effected part of campus was Cathedral attempt to dry the carpets they were ened to cause yet more flooding, precau- which is part of the ongoing renovation of
court, with building 3 experiencing the worst replaced on Wednesday at a cost of approx- tions have been taken, in the form of a grav- campus accommodation. 30 bedrooms in
flooding. imately £1000. Personal belongings of the el ditch which will hopefully prevent the Stag hill have also had leaking windows, this
residents were also ruined, Lucy, Jennah flooding from re-occurring. is again due to the age of the building and
Last Monday residents of the ground floor of and Danny explained how a lot of their work also the gutters being blocked. So far there
Cathedral court 3 woke up to find up to two has been lost, and some of their electrical Other courts that have also been effected have been no reported problems with off
inches of water on their bedroom floors. Mr equipment has been damaged. Despite include Battersea and Surrey, which due to campus accommodation.
Paxton explained that the flooding was their troubles however they did want to pass their age have experienced a large number
caused by water run off from the Cathedral on their thanks to everyone that has helped of windows leaking. When asked Mr Paxton by Ellen van Keulen

Flood Chaos: Part 2 Photos

The George Abbot under the water again The new aqua bar garden at the White House The Friary loading, no sorry swimming bay

The Royal Mail tackles the flooded Walnut Tree Close The River Wey in town expanding its horizons The River Wey in Shalford now known as ‘Wey Lake’

A selection of pictures from around Guildford on Tuesday 7th November highligting the flood problems. Photos by Kevin Marston

...News In Brief...News In Brief...News In Brief...News In Brief...


Text Pest river. double the number last year. Prof. Dowling Nine roads in Guildford town centre were
said “Perhaps the greatest achievement closed on Tuesday put later returned to nor-
A man has been fined for sending obscene Three paintings by Rebecca McLynn depict thus far being the link with Tsinghua mal, although the A281 remained closed.
text messages with his mobile phone. the surface of, and light on the river. University, Beijing, which led to the launch of
Callum Boyce, sent texts to a former friend Rosemarie Juliano’s photographs follow the a satellite.” The Surrey Research Park, one Anyone living off campus, in at risk areas is
who he believed had been harassing his flow of the river through all four seasons of only three science parks to be owned, advised to listen to local radio and television
wife. A Scottish court heard that Boyce and. The poem by Jackie Wills describes funded and managed by a university, is a bulletins or to check with the County Council
wrote four nasty messages within half an the changing face of the river and its banks also major international success story. for updates about Surrey roads and public
hour to Peter Buller (no relation! - JB). His over time. The exhibition is part of the services on 08456 009 009 or www.surrey-
wife alleged that Buller was pressuring her Guildford Borough Council’s Millennium The university summits between China and cc.gov.uk. The Environment Agency’s
to have sex with him. Initiative and funded by UniS and S.C. Britain have become annual events since Floodline number is: 08459 881188.
Johnson. It is free to view in the Lewis Elton 1997, supported by the Chinese Ministry of
Solicitor Rosie Scott said “Mrs Boyce was Gallery (opposite AD building) until Education, the Higher Education Funding Snore Jaw
clearly upset and her husband decided he Thursday 23 November. Council for England and the British Council.
had had enough of Mr Buller. He did not A persistent snorer has had his jaw broken
realise it would go this far.” to put an end to the problem. Surgeons
“Huan Ying Gewai Lai Surrey Fang Renewed Flood Alerts broke and reset the man’s jaw to enlarge his
Boyce was fined £100 for breaking the 1984 Wen “ windpipe The Singaporean has suffered
Telecommunication Act. The texts he wrote As BF went to print Guildford was on flood from sleep apnea for 25 years. His tongue
to Buller included: “Baldy pervert you have Fourteen Chinese education officials visited alert once again. The Environment Agency was lolling back and blocking his windpipe
wrecked our marriage so I am going to Surrey last week. Vice Chancellor Patrick issued a flood warning for the River Wey at night.
break you neck.” Dowling even welcomed the delegates in between Pirbright and the Thames.
their native tongue: “Huan ying gewai lai Karuna Regupathy, 48 had his upper jaw
Surrey fang wen” - “Welcome to Surrey”. Woking, Weybridge and Thames Ditton broken, moved forward and reattached with
Wey To Go The eleven Chinese VC’s and three Ministry were the areas most at risk on Tuesday strips of bone from his skull. The links were
of Education representatives heard of night with residents being advised to pre- strengthened with metal plates and pins dur-
As Guildford continues to struggle with the UniS’s links with the Orient and how it pare for the worst by getting together a ing a pioneering, seven-hour operation. His
floods UniS is paying tribute the river Wey makes itself successful. change of clothes and important personal face changed a bit but Regupathy is now
that has brought destruction to so many. In effects. Rest centres were set up in readi- sleeping silently and comfortably.
the University’s campus art gallery is cur- Currently 88 Chinese students, mainly post- ness.
rently a collection celebrating Guildford’s graduates are studying at Surrey, more than
4 Your Shout & Your Emails 09/11/00

Your Shout Vodka


Think About It.....it’s relevant whole thing would quietly pass by. But love’s people and love’s life?…I feel not. In

A religious debate by newspaper?…What’s


that all about? -There seems to be no com-
promise does there?! In this world of equal-
which of my friends remembered and made
the effort with a surprise party? The
Christian ones!…Arhh!
direct response to this article, the Bible has
a lot to say about drunkenness, and directly
addresses it in Ephesians 5:18-19 (p1228 of
your Gideon’s bible). It then goes on to talk
Slush
ity, acceptance and political correctness, I can’t help noticing that the writer of “Life about a different kind of drunkenness…read (Strawberry & Lime)
surly there must be a compromise to this after the womb” repeatedly considers only further…challenge your stereotype… it’s
whole religion thing?!… himself. He reflects on how the religious very relevant.
system stinks, and how, as a ten year-old
It would seem that many religious debates
result in pedantic, schoolgirl arguments
boy, he was made to attend church by his
parents. I too have been there and at the
In this world of equality, acceptance and
political correctness, perhaps there is no
ONLY £2
age of ten the whole system truly does compromise. I too have decided which side
highlighting the mistakes in the behaviour of
an individual Christians. These poor people stink!! But again we come back to the acts of the fence I prefer, and now, I’m going in per half pint
are then used to inaccurately paint the of individuals (who are still human!) being the great direction of God’s full plan for my
whole picture of Christianity! -A dodgy used to represent the whole of the Christian life…
move, since we’re all human, religious or faith. At the same time I can’t help noticing Available from
not. This has certainly been the case with how selfless and considerate Christians by Samuel Hardwick
the last few articles in Barefacts. seem to be, free tea and coffee outside the Haris Bar
Union is hard evidence to support this
I have many friends who are Christians and observation. The interesting thing though,
they are the most loving, cheerful, friendly is that if you talk to the Guys outside the
and fun loving people that I know. Beneath Union, many of them claim not to be reli-
this cheery exterior, they are also the most gious?!! But instead insist that they have an
honest, trustworthy and stable people that I active, living relationship with god, regard-
know. They seem to love God, love people less of what the blokes in “long gowns and
and love life! -As a side thought and exam- silly pointy hats” are doing!
ple of this behaviour: -Last week was my
birthday. I kept it quiet, hoping that the peo- Does it seem as though as though the writer
ple I’d told wouldn’t remember and the of “Life after the womb”, with his nuclear
weapon and scarred childhood, love’s God,

Your Emails
Please send your emails to barefacts@surrey.ac.uk
To: barefacts
From: Anon To: barefacts To: barefacts
Subject: Societies From: Frances Bassom From: Gareth Davies
Cc: Subject: Fireworks Subject: Doctors &
Dear Barefacts, Cc: Nurses
As a practising muslim, i was looking forward to a eagerly awaited Cc:
Islamic Society meeting. However, what I thought would be a warm- Dear Barefacts,
hearted meeting welcoming new freshers, actually turned out to be a Dear Editor,
most ‘unfriendly’ heated war zone-The IMPEACHMENT of the presi- Just a note to say a big "thank you" to the students who provided the
dent of the society. 5 minutes into the meeting, I realised this was not firework display last Friday. It was a really good, seamless display with
Just a quick note to thank all the
the place to be and started wondering if the back exit was actually no annoying time gaps between fireworks. It was all very well done. It
was a far, far, better firework display than the pathetic effort that the people that turned up to the
open or not. BUT no! as I got up to leave, i was quickly ushered to Doctors and Nurses night in the
sit down and was told to vote first and then leave.....2hrs later (and Guildford Borough Council arranged for their millennium celebrations.
Union on Saturday. It was a funny
only because security wanted to close the building,) I found my self night to say the least and there
abstaining on a situation I had no idea about. Unsurprisingly, i am in Thank you.
are some photos to prove it.
no rush to attend the next Islamic Society meeting and feel completely
turned off. PLEASE can someone tell me this is not a ‘normal’ Islamic Frances Bassom
Computing Services. Gareth Davies
Society meeting.
ANON
To: barefacts
To: barefacts To: barefacts From: Kevin Marston
From: Keith Porthouse From: Rich W Subject: Life After The
Subject: Life After The Womb Subject: Life After The Womb last week Womb
Cc: Cc: Cc:
Dear Sir / Madam, guy who wrote the article (who May I take this opportunity afford- sibility that some of my work may Dear Keith,
although he said he was feeling ed to me to apologise for any not be taken in the manner in
I would like to make a complaint 'brave' didn't even put his name comments made in my column which it is intended, and as such, Thank you for your email about
about the article published in this to the article) insinuated that he “Life After The Womb” last week may have inadvertantly caused last week’s Life After The Womb
weeks barefacts titled 'Life After would like to murder all members that people may have deemed to offense. article and I do apologise for any
the Womb'. I could moan about of the Christian Union. If I, or be ‘offensive’. I appreciate that offence that this has caused you
the fact that I don't agree with his anyone else, were to say that the content may certainly have It is unfortunate that in the given or anyone else. Life After The
opinions and his observations are they would like to kill all coloured caused some feelings of animosi- article, my name, indicating that I Womb is a satirical look on the
quite clearly wrong, but then it people or Muslim's or other group ty and would like everyone to had written the article, failed to world from the viewpoint of Rich
seems clear to me that he only of people everyone would be know that my opinions displayed appear, leading to the belief that it W and does not express the opin-
wanted to cause offence. deeply shocked so why should in the column were simply that - was written simply to offend with- ions of the paper or the Union.
this not be any different. my own opinions. out having to suffer any repurcu- (see disclaimer on page 2)
I understand that people are sions. Echoing my eariler senti-
allowed to their own opinions, but I should expect and apology for As any regular reader of my col- ments, any material I write I Regarding your comment about
for someone to be openly abusive allowing such blatant hatred to be umn may testify, the subject mat- believe in completely - I wouldn’t ‘letting the article run‘ the decision
seems unnecessary. I find it sad published. ters with which I deal are often write should the case be other- was made unanimously by the
that barefacts, by letting the arti- issues for which many people wise - and so may I again apolo- editorial board. If you would like to
cle run, condones someone who Yours Truly, have strong feelings, and, gise if what was intended as a come and see how the editorial
basically said Jesus was a drunk- although I believe that these top- humorous consideration of reli- meeting works then please
en shoplifter. Possibly more wor- Keith Porthouse ics should be spoken about and gious opinion was received in a contact me.
rying than that is the fact that the discussed in a student newspaper manner different to that in which it
(be the opinions contained in any was intended. Yours truly
such article contentious or no) I
should have considered the pos- Rich W Kevin Marston, Editor
09/11/00 Greensoc & Focus Groups 5

GLOBAL WARMING: A GLOBAL WARNING?


So you saw the floods last week – parts manently frozen state. However, some the favelas (slums) around Sau Paulo lack levels, in order to stabilise it’s concentration
of the town underwater, roads across human activities have led to an increasing the technology to reduce emissions and in the atmosphere. So far only a reduction of
the country rendered imhpassable due concentration of these gases, trapping more there are no environmental controls or regu- 5.2% has been agreed by governments (in
to water pooling above an overloaded and more heat, and causing the atmosphere lations. Even apparently innocent occupa- the Kyoto Protocol of 1997, signed by 160
drainage system and run-off from adja- to become gradually warmer. The suns rays tions such as farming on rice paddy fields in countries) – hardly very reassuring to the
cent fields, homes flooded forcing fam- enter our atmosphere, travel through the the Himalayas causes increased emissions areas most at risk.
ilies to evacuate. ozone layer and are reflected back off the of methane. The Montreal Protocol, signed So what is the answer and what can we
You saw the gale-force winds – coastal earths surface with a changed wavelength. by many developed countries, is a commit- do?
areas destroyed by tornadoes, people killed They are then unable to pass back out ment to reduce the volume of CFC’s -Be conscious of the amount of energy yo
in their cars by falling debris, buildings again, trapped inside the ozone layer, and released (banning their use in aerosols, and use in terms of electricity and fuel, and
ripped apart, and roads and footpaths lit- are reflected back once more towards the implementing safe disposal/recycling of to reduce it yourself.
tered and blocked with leaves and branch- earth. CFC’s used in refrigeration units), but since -Write to the governments Environment
es. The main human sources of these gases they remain in the atmosphere for decades Minister, Michael Meacher, and Secretary of
And you wondered why….? Could it be relate to the combustion of fossil fuels. before they are broken down to a harmless State for the Environment, John Prescott,
that there really is something in the whole Whether it is coal or oil in large-scale com- state, the effects of this are not yet being urging them to adopt ‘greener’ policies and
global warming story after all? Surely not..... mercial electric power stations, petrol or seen. support alternative energy sources.
But unfortunately, perhaps there is. Global diesel as engine fuel for cars and other vehi- And meanwhile the earth is getting hotter -Three UK universities use ‘green’ electricity
warming is caused by an enhanced cles, coal, wood, oil or gas in domestic heat- and hotter…. (from renewable sources – wind, sea and
‘Greenhouse Effect’. The earth’s atmos- ing systems, or your bonfire last weekend, The consequences of a warmer climate solar) as opposed to ‘brown’ electricity
phere naturally contains a certain percent- they all release greenhouse gasses, and it are varied, but all deadly serious. Firstly we (generated from fossil fuel combustion). It is
age of so called ‘greenhouse gases’ – car- all accumulates in the atmosphere. Of can expect to see an increase in the number slightly more expensive, but a small price to
bon dioxide, methane, CFC’s and nitrogen course, these apply mostly to the developed of ‘natural hazards’, freak weather condi- pay in comparison with the costs of the
oxides. In balanced and consistent quanti- world who produce 80% of the greenhouse tions, rising sea levels as the oceans alternative. Email or write to our Vice-chan
ties these are important to our planet. By gases, but this leaves a significant contribu- become warmer and expand, and a cellor, Prof. P Dowling, putting pressure on
trapping energy from the sun, this ‘ozone tion by developing regions. While the princi- decrease in the temperature differences him to change Surrey’s energy policy.
layer’ prevents the earth from being in a per- pals remain the same, a number of other between regions of the earth – hence the -Attend the Climate Change Summit 2000 in
factors also come melting of polar icecaps. The consequences The Hague, Holland, from the 17th-20th
into it in poorer coun- of all this include more frequent and worse November. Kidding? No! For £25 to cover
tries. For example, in flooding, storms and hurricanes, droughts, travel and accommodation you can join
South American changed seasonal and diurnal temperatures thousands of other students and organisa
countries the and rainfall patterns; and in turn, the out- tions to take part in this national confer-
increasing demand comes will include increased poverty, dis- ence. Highlights include a mass protest,
for farmland leads to ease, loss of habitat, species extinction, and speakers from around the globe, a Climate
huge areas of tropi- enforced changes to farming practices, not street carnival and ‘Save the Ales’ party.
cal forests being to mention the economic, social, domestic
burnt, ‘slash and and commercial costs involved with cleaning For more details email Emma at
burn cultivation’ – up after occurrences such as we saw here mu91ev@surrey.ac.uk or come to Greensoc
double trouble since last week. on Thursdays at 6:30pm in Roots.
vegetation also The United Nations Intergovernmental
absorbs CO2. Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) was set Think of those floods…..
Cottage industries, up by governments to research the problem,
such as potteries and concludes that emissions of CO2 must by Emma van Huysee
and blacksmiths in be reduced by 60-90% compared with 1990

Focusing On USSU: Part 2 With Fudge it won’t budge!!!


Events & Societies

More focus groups have met in the continu-


ing bid to improve the Students' Union.
Societies and Events were scrutinised in two
were suggested:
·Barefacts inc. reviews, previews and "Try It"
type article as on Surrey Pride pages.
·A 'Re-Freshers' Fair in the new year
·Joining forces with other societies to hold
HAIRTEC
separate forums and as before many good (Union) events 24 Madrid Road
points and ideas came forth. ·Union bar TV screens
In both groups an improvement on public- ·Pre film OFU slide (01483) 440414
ity was seen as a key issue. ·Stall in Union/Lecture Theatres etc.

Reduced
·A society website
Events
The existence, role and openness of the Societies complained about their posters

prices for
Culture and Events Committee was thought being torn down by the university's cleaners.
a good thing to promote. This committee Unfortunately there was little that could be
determines who and what happens when at done about this but guidance was given

Students
the Union, and is open to all. (Keep reading about the do and don'ts of postering.
BF for more details) The problem of getting a society email
For the events themselves, again better, address was also discussed. The UCS
more distributed publicity was advocated.
While profiles of each music society were
option was seen as problematic so the use
of hotmail type accounts was thought best. Tuesday’s -
Friday’s
touted to appear in Barefacts, it was said Some music societies also said that had
that awareness of BF itself could be better. had trouble with Security and their venue
Various ideas to promote Barefacts and arrangements. The Societies and Culture

inclusive
increase its readership are now being con- Sabbatical present promised to investigate
sidered by the Editorial Team. this.
The type of events desired at the Union
included theme nights, tribute and upcoming Conclusion
bands as well as student DJ's and musi- "I feel the groups are going well so far with
cians. Sport screenings in the Union and many valid points and suggestions for
organised trips to London clubs were also improvement being brought into the open,"
suggested. The various annual balls were said Union Sabbatical Officer Lucy Lloyds
discussed too. Andrews. Chemist
Finally the queue to enter the Union came Future groups are planned on publicity,
in for criticism with regard to its length and food etc etc. Dates of these will be
policing by Security. Different entry methods announced in due course. The next meeting
were mooted, as was a better incentive to of the Working Party takes place on Madrid
arrive earlier than at present. Tuesday 14th November and "I look forward The Astolat
to feeding students' views back to the mem- Road
Societies bers" added Lucy.
Tacked onto the end of Societies Standing
meeting, this group started by looking at
methods of publicity. The following ideas
James Buller x Newsagent Apollo
6 LGB Feature 09/11/00

LGB: 2000 AD....


A New Era
Hello People, LGB is about to hold a Sexuality is a major issue facing many stu- and told me it was alright with him I felt a
QUEER THOUGHTS FOR
STRAIGHTS
IM Very thankful to all the gay revolu-
tions that have happened that give gays
meeting for new and past members, to dents and the process of coming to terms strong sense of relief. now voices that can be heard and I am
socialise and discuss what you all want with it, and the related issue of coming out, given the opportunity to write this article.
LGB to be this year. LGB (just in case can be very traumatic. For this reason all Next I told another close friend at Uni. She Being out for 4 years now, I still see a
you don’t know) is the lesbian, gay and Nightliner’s cover sexuality in their training was actually the one who prompted me to portion of the society not ready to accept
bisexual society. LGB societies can be and are willing to help you. They can also come out since her gaydar was beeping the existence of these ‘weird’ people.
found at almost every university in the put you through to LGB, or discuss matters from the moment she started talking to me. Well, it is our culture and upbringing,
country, and the University of Surrey is of sexual health, or anything you want. It was a while later that I told anyone else which I had also fallen a victim to. Deep
no exception. LGB has been running at They also provide FREE CONDOMS. though, since I felt a strong obligation to tell down, I feel that it is pathetic. But any-
Surrey for years, and this year should my parents before anyone else. However, I way, reality bites doesn’t it?
be no exception. The meeting will be the first main meeting of couldn’t tell them over the phone, and since It has been too many times that i have
the term; so don’t worry if you don’t know I’d started the process, I couldn’t survive as heard remarks that homosexuality being
Surrey LGB is here to help anyone who anyone you’ll soon make friends. All com- not being myself anymore. I didn’t want to disgusting, dirty, against the law of
needs information on gay, lesbian, or bisex- mittee positions are open, so if your politi- pretend that I didn’t fancy men anymore, so nature and disapproved by God. I used
ual matters, whether they are members of cally minded, or just want to make a differ- gradually I told more and more people. Not to be ashamed when I heard this. But
LGB or not. In fact, our society is open to ence, here’s your opportunity; or if your one person reacted badly. I had told all my now, I do not know whether to laugh or
anyone of any sexuality or cultural back- interests are clubbing and partying then floor mates, and all the people on my weep for such ignorance. While a gay
ground. The university, after all, is an inter- LGB could arrange trips to London etc. if course. can understand a straight relationship,
national university, so we encourage LGB you can’t come along don’t worry. The first people who say this simply cannot see it
students who are from different cultures to meeting will take place in the Grant Mitchel If you think that coming out will alienate you, in our perspective. Narrow-minded?
join. Students whose cultures have tradition- Room in the Union at 7.30pm either Monday you’d be wrong also. The truth is that even Perhaps they are just “not knowledge-
ally been against gay and lesbian sexuality 13th or Tuesday 14th Nov. (see posters or today, when I let people know I’m gay, they able and receptive enough”.
may have more problems accepting them- email for the decided date) After the meeting feel that I must hold a great trust in them. Like other kinds of love, gay love is as
selves, and we are here to help. Men in we will probably head down to The Elm Tree They know that it’s not the easiest thing to similar. When straight people prefer the
most LGB’s have in the past mostly out pub in town. Don’t worry if you can’t make it, say, and respect my being honest with them. company of a different gender, gays sim-
numbered lesbians: but we don’t wont this. you can still contact us via email lgb_sur- Thus the friends who I invest this knowledge ply prefer same sex of partner. It is only a
However, the only way to get round this is rey@hotmail.com, via the LGB pigeonhole in can a lot of the time become closer matter of preference but many straight
for YOU to come along and make your in the Students’ Union, via Nightline on NTL friends, and in fact may reveal their own people freak out at it. However, gays
mark. 816999 or external 876999. personal secrets or problems to me, thus have no difference at all when it comes to
creating a stronger bond of friendship. the desire for the same type of affection,
We are however more than just a group of Luke @ LGB care and love. The same type of love the
friends. We have in common our sexuality, Telling your parents can be one of the hard- straight people give to their heterosexual
and so a great deal of social support can be est things you’ve ever done; harder than partner is the same thing we gay give to
found amongst us. New members, who are Bent Points Of View telling your friends. Your worst fears are that our partner.
always turning up and are welcomed into the people who have loved and cared for Homophobes say, “Gay sex is danger-
the group, benefit from knowing other gay Coming
Coming Out
Out you all your life will stop doing so. These ous and gays like to sleep around.”
people and the support that they get from people who are of such importance to you Think again. Isn’t this the same for
them. To coincide with the restarting of LGB, older won’t feel the same, they’ll look at you dif- straights? There are just as many
members of the society have been consid- ferently. My parents are religious, and also unfaithful and horny straight fellows
ering having a coming older than a lot of people’s parents of my around. Look at those HIV figures; the
out week. Even if this age group, so my fears were quite strong. straight people HIV rates have sur-
doesn’t take place I No matter how much you know your parents passed the homosexual people for
thought it would be love you, the thought of this fact being many years.
helpful for all closeted known to them can be enough to make you What’s worse is that there are men who
LGB’s out there to believe that things will change. Well the truth cruise around for other men to give a
hear how coming out is my parents were both fine with it. It was blowjob when their wives refuse to put
at University may not such a relief to find that out because when their mouth to their “anacondas”.
be as bad as you you’ve told your parents, you’ve achieved a Shouldn’t they be ashamed of them-
might think. massive personal goal. If you are still wor- selves if they belong to those anti-gay
ried and don’t feel able to tell them, the best groups?
Last year was my first way to test them out is to have a chat or I am strongly against the idea that gay
year at Uni. I had family debate on gay issues if they come up people should be detested, ignored and
never told anyone of in the news or mention a gay friend at Uni. looked down upon in the society. They
my sexuality before. However, even if your parents don’t offer the are just normal human beings who
The truth which no opinion you’d hoped they would don’t be dis- appear in all walks of life. They eat,
one knew had con- heartened because chances are they will drink, think, study, work and love like
trolled my life for so still love you very much because after all any other people; sometimes surpassing
long that the release you’re still their child no matter what, and everyone else. In fact, all humans must
was an amazing feel- that is a very strong bond. In fact when I told be given equal respect and treatment
ing. For weeks no one my mum, she told me that she loved me despite colour, religion and sexual orien-
knew. I had always even more. tation.
told myself that Uni Gays contribute to the economy and
would be the ideal Coming out isn’t something that ever ends perhaps raise the standard of living with
place to come out. because wherever you go and whoever you their love for quality stuff. Do not be
Everyone is new. Your meet you don’t have a label attached to you. amazed by knowing that the food, fash-
all thrown in together, So coming out is going to be with you all ion and music in your life are sometimes
thus the friends you your life, but once you’ve got through the ini- queer products. They usually dress well
make here can tial stages and know you can do it then you and have a good taste for almost every-
become a strong sup- know you can keep on doing it thing. Ever been to a gay disco and
port network. The first enjoyed their good music and be
person I told was my Once you’ve achieved all this even more amazed by those beautiful clothes the
closest friend. I told rewarding can be when someone turns to guys are wearing? Well if you’re homo-
him of the love I had you and tells you that they are gay. This phobic, then probably not!
felt for a person when happened to me recently and it gave me a Like straights, gays are just like anoth-
I was younger and huge confidence boost. When someone er other people. It is only the matter of
how I had been so sees you as someone to turn to for friend- preference and perhaps occasional
hurt by the breakdown ship and support on an issue so close to some campy behaviour. The Lesbian,
of that relationship, your own heart, it can fill you with a great Gay and Bisexual aka LGB Society of
and its effects on my sense of pride. the University of Surrey is set up to pro-
life. Since I didn’t vide support to these people of these dif-
specify a gender, he So in summation come out and be proud of ferent preference and aims to provide a
soon guessed what I whom you are. If you feel that you can’t tell sense of identity and pride for them. It
was hinting at and I a friend yet though you can contact night- also helps people who wish to get out of
told the first person line on NTL 816999 or external 876999 the closet. We understand how dark and
ever that I was gay. It they have trained on issues of sexuality, cold it can be inside. Remember there is
was quite scary to say safe sex etc . Or else you can go to the a great might when brothers and sisters
the word to someone LGB meetings, or go along to the Elm Tree unite.
in a description of pub in town. Remember you’re not alone,
myself, but when he there are plenty of people you can turn to anon
responded positively for support so don’t worry. (Mark G)
Spice
Girls
VS

West
life
This week sees the release albums from both the Spice Girls and Westlife. Currently the favourites to be number one are the boys from
Ireland. Could this be the end of chart domination for the girlpowered foursome?

Music Reviews
Competitions
Horoscopes
OFU
8 News & Comps 09/11/00
“you’re queer”

Music
News
Not much has hap- ever.” Norman Cook Speaking on
radio station XFm said “I might
pened in the world of never make a good record again.
Fatherhood does strange things to
music this week. It people, d’ya know what I mean.”
seems that our Once the album is released Cook
“your career is over”
plans to retire form the public eye
favourite musicians
on December 10th to spend more ity album in aid of Oxfam. The up a Q award for best live act the The Smashing Pumpkins’.
have taken an early time with his family. album he said was inspired by his Oasis front man branded Robbie Before the encore at their live show
recent visit to Africa where he as “queer”. Robbie hit back at his in Manchester a voice announced
winter break. The weeks Garage’s favourite young super- worked with African musicians who recent sold out live show by telling ‘some special guests’ when Billy
biggest news comes from Fatboy star Craig David has been he said were far better than any- the audience that he thought the Corgan came on dressed as David
Slim aka Norman Cook who has approached by Bono of U2 to col- thing that is going on with British ‘Q’ in Q awards meant “quite a lot Beckham and Melissa Auf Der
announced that his new album laborate on a track on U2’s new guitar bands at the moment. The of your career has gone mate. Maur came on as Posh Spice,
‘Halfway between the Gutter and album called ‘Walk On’. Bono who interview also gave him the oppor- You’re bands fucked. You don’t much to the delight of the audi-
the Stars’ might be his “last album recently slated the “pretty young tunity to talk about Blur’s future sell many albums cause your ence. Other band member’s came
things” dominating the UK charts, plans as he said he was “definitely bands shit.” He then went on to onto the stage dressed up. One
heard Craig’s version of the U2 hit going to consider touring again” talk about his ex-girlfriend (Liam’s came on as a Man City player and
‘One’ and although Bono admitted and that “he looks forward to a current girlfriend), All Saint Nicole another as George Best. The
that “it’s the wrong tempo for whats playing another new record now.” Appleton, he said “I bet you go to Smashing Pumpkins’ played their
going on with UK garage and that”, There’s a big surprise. Blur plan to bed every night scratching your last UK shows over the weekend
he said that the song had “the right return to the studio later on this head, thinking ‘is he better than before they disband. On that sad
feel” for Craig David. We look for- year to record their new album. me?’.” We wait a reply from note that is this weeks news more
ward to hearing the track soon. Nicole. coming up next week.
In the ongoing feud between
Damon Albarn on a recent radio Robbie Williams and Liam Celebrity couple David Beckham Simon Robinson
interview on XFm has announced Gallagher, Robbie has hit back at and Posh Spice were the brunt of
he is the process of making a char- Liam taunts at him. Whilst picking a practical joke by believe it or not
09/11/00 Arts Feature 9
Horoscopes with Arcane Ally

Scorpio Oct 24th - Nov 22nd pants (girls) / white Y-fronts (guys). last week this is great time to go Cancer June 22nd - July
After that spending spree last week out drinking with them. Make sure 23rd
your mum told you off and to prove Aquarius Jan 21st - Feb 19th your round is the last one and pass How about plucking up the
to her that you can manage your Well, after all that tongue action I out before you have to go to the courage to have your hair
own finances you must make a so accurately predicted last week bar. A great way to get drunk with- cut on Saturday. That boy-
monthly budget plan to keep her you really ought to invest in some out spending any money!(Not that I next-door, just-got-out-of-
happy. strong mouthwash. The word on have ever done it mind you.) bed look went out of fashion
Lucky clothing : wellington boots! campus is that you have poor oral Lucky Clothing : faded black jeans. months ago.
hygiene and you had better sort it Luck clothing : Baseball cap
Sagittarius Nov 23rd - Dec 21st out fast. Taurus April 21st - May 21st (until Saturday.)
You really must learn to control Lucky clothing : tank top. This is your week to help the envi-
your temper a bit more this week. ronment. On your way around Leo July 24th - Aug 23rd
You can’t throw a wobbly just Pisces Feb 20th - Mar 20th campus this week try to pick up 5 You’re having an artistic
because your flat-mate stole your After the fabulous week you have pieces of litter a day to prevent the moment this week. Do not be
last slice of bread. just experienced things are just suffocation of hedgehogs. tempted to graffiti the teaching Libra Sept 24th - Oct 23rd
Lucky clothing : Stripy socks. going to keep getting better. The Luck clothing : fur coat. block though. After exposing your body in a more
only thing to watch are your Lucky clothing : Overalls. extreme way than usual at the
Capricorn Dec 22nd - Jan 20th finances. Maybe you ought to Gemini May 22nd - June 21st fetish party your confidence was
Once again you are neglecting return some of that fetish gear, you Your will power reaches its peak Virgo Aug 24th - Sept 23rd boosted immensely. This doesn’t
your diet. This week you must try only wore it once after all. this week so now is the time to give Go out and join a new club or soci- mean however that you must go
and get some more fibre. A bowl of Lucky clothing : bobble hat. up smoking or cream cakes. ety this week. You may find that around flashing at random stu-
All Bran a day will keep you regu- Lucky clothing : ripped, 80’s style you have a hidden talent for sailing dents. Please try to control your-
lar. Aries Mar 21st - April 20th jeans or rock climbing! self, you know who you are.
Lucky clothing : big, grey granny After making all those new friends Lucky clothing : trainers Lucky clothing : anything!

A Century of
Fakers
It strikes one as being,
by Chris Morton
amount of chart success deserves
a lot of respect, for sure. But there
more than often, these is still something lacking, missing
in their refusal, or inability, to say
days that another something interesting. The prob-
band’s comeback is lem is that it is no longer fashion-
able to walk the walk and talk the
there to remind you talk.
how good they actual-
Now and then the odd comeback is
ly weren’t. attempted: Elastica, The Longpigs,
Ash, even Oasis, all fall into that
Now that Britpop is over, now that category of “too cool to do anything
the nineties are over, all and accessible.” Unlike before, when
sundry has begun to consign to they were staying true to their
oblivion those once so fashionable, ethics but still writing great songs,
once so talented individuals who it seems like these bands are
were of such importance to our almost deliberately trying to be
music scene. The bands that dom- unpopular with the buying public. changing music you realise that es, and in the very words of their you and you feel… shit actually,
inated our charts four or five years Commercialism: It is the work of these are exactly the characteris- interviews, all that Blur have to say most of the time. But it’s good.”
ago are not such a necessity to the the devil. tics that any band would need to at the moment is that “Yeah, we’ve Melody Maker April 1991.
atmosphere of the time, and this of survive those ten years of compli- written some good songs and
course is not so unusual for a And maybe this is where Blur can cations. we’ve been around for ages.” And And the problem with accomplish-
scene with such an emphasis on reside in a unique distinction to this this what those uncultured buyers ment is that all the purpose is lost.
that eager to please philosophy. Holier Than Thou attitude. In some The problem with the Greatest Hits of the Greatest Hits collection will
But the strangeness lies in the ways they have always brought the collection (“Blur’s Greatest Hits” is think. In this way, one of the most “If punk was about getting rid of
actuality that we are still looking for accessibility to their music, it’s just released on Monday) is the fear of important bands of the country is hippies, then I’m getting rid of
them to be replaced, or even that it has never been in an obvi- how much out of context these doing nothing to save us from the grunge. It’s the same sort of feel-
worse; we are still looking to them ous way. songs will sound to anyone who teeny-bop nightmare of present ing; people should smarten up, be
to save us from the teeny-bop does not understand the environ- day British music. a bit more energetic.” NME April
nightmare of present day British And not only have they remained ment’s to which these songs were 1993.
music. cool throughout their ordeal, but by written within. Furthermore, the But I suppose you have to give Blur
keeping it real, or keeping it good experimentation in creating original a break; they are the wrong side of Maybe this quote is contrived,
Arguably, many of our new bands even, they have somehow always art-pop has left many of the songs thirty after all. And I suppose their maybe it is just plain dumb, or
have subtly provided us with some succeeded with delivering a fresh to stand alone as something of an arrogance that is wrapped up in maybe it is the words of a genius.
modest expertise, comme il faut for sound to our airwaves. The influ- acquired taste. Understood, that is, self-belief is the most that they can The point is that it is most definite-
the public’s appetite, with a respect ences have always been there, but by an appreciation of the impor- offer in defiance to all that goes on ly all good fun and games. Now
from the critics and a following as Karl Popper argued, nearly a tance of exorcising the nightmare’s around them. As far as categoris- Blur are too mature to worry about
from the indie kids and art-school hundred years ago; “All knowledge of the eighties music scene (where ing goes, Blur are slowly falling into any contrived feud with another
contenders (Travis & Coldplay, for is ultimately based on sense-expe- throwaway pop dominated, not that classification where four musi- band.
example). Coming through the rience.” Or as Damon Albarn once unlike the music scene of today). cians are creating mature music.
underground to enjoy a small put it: “Modern Life Is Rubbish.” This may be why the Greatest Hits It is a shame. For the fans it was
Watching Blur’s performance on collection is being released at this more fun. The “Star-shaped” video
“There are so many old things to “Jools Holland” last week, it was point in their careers. And as for of Blur’s drunken tour documents
splice together in infinite permuta- blatantly obvious as to how much jumping on the bandwagon of the the worst period in the band’s
tions that there is absolutely no consequence their old hits had latest music scene, there is nothing career. But it is a band at their most
need to create anything new.” NME lost. Obvious I suppose by the but a large hole for them to fall entertaining stage. The mishaps
April 1993. band’s performance. It’s not that through. were just as important as the
they were disinterested as such, music. It’s what it’s all about.
A little harsh maybe, a little stupid, but the anger behind and enthusi- The problem with maturity is that Britpop was a time when every
a little contradictory to what they asm for their latest piece of art was all the excitement is lost. band was stupid enough to make
said before, and after, but that’s the major strongpoint lacking. fools of themselves. And some day
Blur for you. And looking back over “Everywhere you go, you get beer soon the new fools will arrive to
a notable decade of a rapidly In their attitudes, their performanc- and drugs for free, girls scream at rescue us from the monotony.
10 Record Reviews 09/11/00
to avoid Oasis-esque solos and, erm, sound-
ing exactly like 3CR. Apart from these tests,
Single of the Week
Singles that, well, The Test fails, there is a
widescreen rock epic thing going on, which
is actually irritatingly enjoyable. 6/10 D.J. MANSUN - Electric Man (EMI)
‘Electric Man’ is the second
DIMESTARS - Solo So Long (Wild) release from the album ‘Little
VERTICAL HORIZON - You’re a God Truth is I thought this was a band put togeth- Kix’ and is the happiest and
(RCA) er by some producer to try and sell another most expansive Mansun release
Vertical Horizon formed in 1991 as an cheesy song. But to my surprise these guys yet. It is also one of their best
acoustic duo and have spent most of their are not bad and I think this song will make a singles to date with a deeply
time since then touring from coast to coast in big impression. The song is extremely harmonious chorus and beauti-
the US. This track is happy rock/pop and catchy and according to them the difference ful melodies. It’s an ace track
without a doubt is real class. With heavy gui- between them and other bands is “We do and is worth £1.99 of anyone’s
tars and sweet melodies, ‘you’re a God’ things bigger, better and louder better.” And money. 9/10 N.M.
should sell well. 8/10 N.M. so they seem too. Its pop music, but good
pop music. 6/10 C.H.
AIRLOCK – Airlock (One Little Indian) lyrics. If you like strange, check it out. The A
For once a single without remixes or songs ME ONE - In My Room (Island) second song is the harmonica-ridden coun- Spell On You’ is essentially flat. Flat bass,
so similar you can’t tell they aren’t remixes. Me One is West Indian patois for ‘on my try style ‘Wives and Farmers’ and the third cliché strings, and lyrics that could have
The first track has beautiful female vocals own’ and is the adopted name of Cardiff track is a bizarre shouty number about been nicked from Alice DJ. Now would prob-
with slightly industrially sounding backings. born, Brooklyn reared, North London resi- blenders! Wacky Californians eh?! 5/10 A.W. ably be a good time for Sonique to run back
The second is more instrumental, and the dent Eric Martin. This Single includes a vari- behind her decks. 3/10 A.T.
third seems to mostly be someone playing ety of excellent mixes from Tee Bone, MORCHEEBA – Be Yourself (China)
with a record to slower backing, It’s nice to Stargate, and MVP, as well as the original Last years acclaimed ‘Big Calm’ saw GUANO APES – Big in Japan (superson-
hear a group doing something different for a album version. It is a melange of head-nod- Morcheeba at the height of their success ic)
change. 8/10 E.C. ding hip-hop grooves, doo-wop harmonies and ‘Be Yourself’ (off their new album Big is the operative word here. Big guitars,
and jazzy, off the cut melodies laced with a ‘Fragments of Freedom’) sees Morcheeba big bass, big vocals, big pile of rock s***.
PJ HARVEY - Good Fortune (Island) Caribbean lift that once lodged in the grey adopting a similar formula with Skye Stay in Japan. 1/10 S.R.
Could this be a pop song? Surely not, Ms matter stay there in a never ending loop. Edwards distinct lush vocals and their famil-
Harvey simply does not do pop songs. Ms 6/10 J.F. iar soulful grooves. However, this familiarity MELATONE – A Sentimental Wish (Two
Harvey sings spooky style with the backing is broken up by stop start dynamics that pre- Hoots)
of a chiller movie. Not here however, a GRANDADDY – He’s Simple, He’s Dumb, vents it from going anywhere apart from The singer has a horrible voice, the tune for
remarkably upbeat acoustic strum that could He’s The Pilot? (V2) straight to track three which is a brilliant live some reason reminds me of Blue Peter, it’s
send her to the lower reaches of the chart. This is a limited edition single taken from the version of last years single ‘Part of the scary stuff. It sounds like a school orchestra
8/10 A.T. Californian band’s LP ‘The Sophtware Process’. Perhaps they need to follow their with a nasally boy singer. “I don’t have much
Slump’. At almost nine minutes, it’s a little own advice. 5/10 S.R. to say” says the title track. Stop boring us
UNION KID - The Test (1970) too long, but is a dramatic, quite dark song, with this drivel then. They try and funk it up a
The test in the muddled nondescript music of slower than their usual stuff. The acoustic SONIQUE - I Put A Spell On You (Serious) bit on the third song, but this ain’t no ‘Boogie
our time is how can a band stand out from guitar goes well with all the other sonic Third single syndrome is always the same. Wonderland’. In fact, it’s just c***. 1/10 A.W.
the crowd. Now, this is probably even harder effects used. It’s very much a ‘Paranoid Where as ‘It Feels So Good’ and ‘Sky’ both
if you’re a slow start, get quicker rock band Android’ sort of weird single, with lots of dif- took the Ibiza dance blueprint and tweaked it
in the 3 Colours Red mould. The test then is ferent parts and not many (decipherable) enough to create something interesting ‘I Put

very strange lyrics to throw into to the mix.


Some of the lyrics (“The serpents skin is
Album of the Week
U2 - All That You Can’t Leave Behind
whiter..”) reminds me of some of Jim
Morrison’s lines. Apparently one is to imag-
ine a synthesis of the Partridge family and
Brady Bunch sagas with a sonic feedback
Albums
(Island) twist, dirty lo-fi beats and filthy guitars
drenched in reverb painted on a sampling 3:36’. Not as accomplished as his previous
U2 return to the world stage after two and album ‘Venni, Vetti, Vecci’, ‘Rule 3:36’ falls
half years with a retro U2 album. When I say canvas. The fourth song which has some
pretty sweet female vocals I liked a lot but short in many areas. Obscenely lowbred at
retro I mean the days of the Joshua Tree, points, a lot of the material could be the work
Rattle and Hum and even a slight case of the rest well lets just say its original and a lit-
tle confusing. Its “Just a Dimension Away” of an undereducated, disobedient school
Achtung Baby. U2 have taken a step back child. Fellow Murderers Black Child, 0-1,
from the dance induced days of Zooropa and 5/10 C.H.
Tah Murdah and Vita all appear along with a
Pop and stuck with the classic rifts and the number of featured artists. ‘Between Me and
soul searching vocals. However, saying that AGNELLI AND NELSON - Hudson Street
(Extravaganza) You’ featuring Christina Milian is the first
‘Kite’ is a rather experimental sounding track, single scheduled for release and also the
in ways similar to the Kid A sound but still An album of commercial tamed techno good
for home listening and some tracks will best track on the album. ‘Extasy’ is an
echoing that U2 feel. ‘Beautiful Day’ is defi- extremely funky highpoint, unfortunately
antly the stand out track on the album with its probably make it to the clubs. The music is
a mixture or suave, electro, minimal, futuris- there just isn’t enough here to warrant a rec-
beautifully caressing guitar lines. It’s simply ommendation. Don’t bother with the album;
luscious and therefore 8/10 K.M. tic synthesised sounds. Their 1998 single
“El nino” was a club anthem as will be some wait for the clutch of decent songs to be
of the tracks from this album. The music is released as singles. 4/10 A.R.
MAN OR ASTRO-MAN? – A Spectrum of Collaborations are abound on the new
classified as easy listening happy house
Infinite Scale (Touch and Go) record that not only includes members of the THE BEAUTIFUL SOUTH – Painting It
and should go down well with most club
One day somebody in Man or Astro-man Roc-A-Fella family, Memphis Bleek, Beanie Red (Go! Discs)
music fans, but was a little too tame and too
must have thought “look we not selling any Sigel and Amil, but also some heavy hitters I knew that The Beautiful South were meant
common for my liking. 4/10 C.H.
albums, lets just write a voiceless record so like Snoop Dogg, Scarface and, believe it or to be a bit laid back, but any more and you’d
that if no one buys it we can sell it as a not, R. Kelly. 7/10 J.F. be hard pushed to find a pulse. This album
JA RULE - Rule 3:36 (Murder Inc/Def
soundtrack to a movie”. And this is what the has invented new dimensions of boredom. It
Jam)
American four-piece came up with. ‘A SOUNDS FROM THE FUNKY UNDER- started off badly with the first and last tracks
Murder Inc stalwart Ja Rule returns with a
Spectrum of Infinite Scale’ is a perfect GROUND – Compilation (Chocolate fire- on the tracklisting not actually existing, I
street inspired second album. His growling
soundtrack to a soundless film. It is full of guard artists) suppose at least they give you the vocals so
voice has been hiked to overload on ‘Rule
garage rock, surf twang, cinematic sound- This album represents a taster of the bands you can make your own tune up for them.
scapes and B-movie bleeps that dispels any on the Chocolate Fireguard label. It is an
notion of normality. This will have you look- eclectic mix of funky jazz, hip-hop, rap, drum
ing to space for an answer. 8/10 S.R. and bass, soul and rock, basically a taster of
any genre going. This provides the listener
Recommended
JAY Z - The Dynasty Roc la Familia 2000 with a broad range of tracks, of which most
( Roc-a-Fella) people will like several but that is as far as it
FATBOY SLIM – Halfway Between The Gutter And The
With his last two records, “Vol. 3... Life & will go. As Kara Kara sing on the album
Stars (Skint)
Times Of S. Carter” and “Vol. 2 Hard Knock “Just keep yourself funked up”, well for a
It maybe the last album from the Fatboy but what a way to
Life”, Jay-Z has established himself as one couple of songs at least. 5/10 S.R.
finish, leaving off where he started from. HBTGATS relives
of hip hop’s master lyricists with an unique
Fatboy house days and in essence his first album, ‘Better
ability to tell stories of the urban experience SCHIZO FUN ADDICT - Just a Dimension
Living Through Chemistry’. ‘Talking About My Baby’, ‘Sunset’
in a sophisticated manner that separates Away (Sudden Bliss)
and ‘Mad Flava’ are the ones to watch with the twisting loops
himself from the rest of the chest-thumping The name reflects the music nicely. A mix-
and eclectic samples. A rather delightful album that surpass-
rap pack. Jay-Z embarks on his fifth studio ture of psychedelic, breakbeat, African,
es his last one and adds elements of Macy Gray vocal talents
effort, “The Dynasty: Roc-La-Familia 2000”. didgereedoo and guitar music. With some
to the mixture. 8/10 K.M.
09/11/00 Record Reviews cont & Live Reviews 11
The only slightly interesting song on the be suggested that were Mark E. Smith to bored. 3/10 D.J. later in the year. The opener ‘Last time’ is
album was ‘Closer Than Most’, which you wait around until he had enough decent the only glimpse of hope on a dreadful
can get much cheaper as a single anyway. tunes for a proper album, he might not have SHEA SEGER - The May Street Project album. What she lacks in talent she makes
‘Half-Hearted Get (Is Second Best)’ showed to release a series of examples of how to (RCA) up for in looks, this fact alone will be proba-
a bit of promise at the start with eerie write that perfect b-side. Still, that’s life and Shea Seger is an American artist who trav- bly guarantee her chart success. ‘The May
swooping backing, but the vocals just had life for Mark continues in something of an elled to London to record her debut album: Street Project’ is utter gash. 2/10 A.R.
no energy behind them. Most of the tracks experimental indie daze of muffled vocal ‘The May Street Project’. It is the story of life
sounded like they just couldn’t be bothered, announcements slopily thrown over chord and love in small town America. It could be This Week’s Reviews by
making for a very dull album. 3/10 E.C. movements heard a million times before in a better described as totally uninspired mid-
trillion indie songs. Subversive Sonic Youth dle-of-the road American rubbish. Southern Andrew Thomas, Alex Reed, Nigel
THE FALL - The Unutterable (Eagle) guitar lines and dull, chaotic Ian Brown elec- soul is an accurate description of the musi- Martin, Kevin Marston, Simon
Whilst the Stone Roses were never quite tronic percussion noises mix in only the cal style. The most ironic press blurb I have Robinson, Owen Hazelby, Ian
prolific enough, there is of course the oppo- worst parts of that equation: dullness deviod yet to read describes this as “an astonish- Purvey, Denise Nicholson, James
site problem. It might be said the fewer The of subversity. It’s not clever or funny and will ingly original debut”. I am amazed ‘James’ Hemmingway, Oliver Chamero,
Fall records, the better. Full stop. Or it might only ever be the soundtrack to sleeping. I’m have invited her to support them on a tour Christian Hunter

Competition Time
Hiya, it’s competition time again and who better to lead you Win an Alarm Clock and CD’s Win 6 FNO Guest List Tickets
through this maze of trivia than your favourite Santa Claus
(well, most of Guildford seem to think it’s Christmas already,
Our mates at 48k Records and Perfecto Records have given After the relative success of last issues’ competition, we
so I don’t see why we can’t).
us not one, or two but TEN CD’s to give to you, the discern- have decided to keep the prize as 6 tickets, so we want
Congratulations to all last week’s winners, following a
ing reader. They have also sent us a Paul Oakenfold travel loads of entries. In keeping with the festive theme of this
record number of entries – I kid you not. Dan Bashford
alarm clock and if that wasn’t enough they are also throwing section, all you have to do is complete the following phrase
(again) won the What Lies Beneath goodies after telling us
in a window poster of the DJ. So the first out of the hat picks in no more than 30 words; the funniest entry in the opinion
that it was Star Wars that launched the career of Hollywood
up the poster, alarm clock and six of the CD’s, while two run- of the editorial board wins.
heartthrob Harrison Ford. Mike Rolfe walked away with the
ners-up win two CD’s each, all clear? well here’s the ques-
Blur CD, vinyl, video and posters after deciding that Blur had
tion: All I want for Christmas is …
their head checked by a Jumbo Jet. But the biggest winner
of all was Ben Sidders, who is on the guest list for tomor-
What is the name of the new Students Union
row’s FNO, together with five mates. Ben told us that his life
was like a pint of Carling because he is cheap and doesn’t Chairperson?
stay in your system for long.
Now what have we got for you this week, I hear you holler, Dave Abbott
Matt Jackson
well, we have 6 FNO tickets for Friday 17th November 2000,
which include being on the guest list (so you don’t have to Luke Hickey
queue up, no matter when you arrive), and we have CD’s,
window stickers and an alarm clock. As usual, send your
entries into Barefacts@surrey.ac.uk by Monday 6pm, with
your contact details (including URN), and remember that the
editor’s decision is final or else Santa might not visit your
house this year.

No Wave & Live present...

Trayscrape
rap-skate-metal-hiphop

Fire Apple Red


Skatepunk

Mistaken Identity
Experimental electro-grunge

+ acoustic act
Main Union
Saturday 11th Nov
£2 entry / Doors @ 9pm
Sunday Night Live Presents...
The North Mississippi All Stars

Sunday November 12th

with support from


“Mo Solid Gold”
14 A Short Story 09/11/00

A RERUN OF A SHORT STORY


throwing up and that I hadn’t realised that I was in the
It was just like any other night; we’d gone down I didn’t think I was getting anywhere. It was embar- girls one. Jim found this quite funny.
the pub straight from work. Everyone had had a rassing ‘cause my mates kept looking at me when I
shit day and we were all acting really laddish, was talking to Tanya and making gestures at me. I sort Jim used to live quite near me at the time and we
downing pints at the bar, determined to get really of wanted to talk to her properly but what with my walked home together. I jokingly asked him if he was
pissed and have a good night. I usually hate that mates and her mates we didn’t really have the going out with Helene yet and he gave me some dis-
kind of shit, I would always take the piss out of all chance. I just made the odd remark and listened to the missive answer of how he didn’t know what was going
the beer tossers with their “Lager, lager, get inane conversation of her friends, nodding my head on. I think he was pissed off about how he hadn’t got
pissed, yeah,” but this time I guess I was one of and laughing at the appropriate moments. I thought I’d a shag.
them. I’d gone down with Bradby, Dave and Graz offer to buy her another drink or something but I was
and we’d bumped into some of Dave’s mates who too pissed to move. It went on like this for about an We cut across the park and walked in silence, thinking
were all beer tossers. For once it was the kind of hour. about the evening behind us. I was thinking about
break I’d needed. I was so pissed: To me the pub Tanya, Jim was thinking about Helene, I knew
was like one of those weird movies with fancy When the pub finished Graz came over and said that because of how he used to go all silent and serious
camera work; everyone kept appearing in front of they were going on to a club, I said I might be down when he was thinking about something close to his
me and then disappearing again. Parts of conver- shortly. Then Tanya’s mates left and it was just me heart or when he was planning. That’s what he was
sations came and went. and her, I think it was planned. I didn’t really know doing probably. Planning. Whereas me, I was just
what to do then. I asked Tanya if she wanted to come smiling, satisfied with the little attention that I’d got. I
I was just considering the next pint when I noticed this to the club with me but she said “No,” and that she was always far too satisfied.
group of girls, sitting on the table opposite us, who wanted to go home. I thought that was it but as she
were obviously talking about me. One of them kept was about to leave she said, “Aren’t you coming We were walking along in silence when we saw
looking over and then she’d turn back to her friends then?” sparks in the middle of the field ahead of us. As we got
and they’d all start looking at me and laughing. closer we heard voices, and saw the dark silhouettes
We walked out of the pub together, chatting more this of the two bodies. It was Alex and Paul messing about
It wasn’t long before Bradby saw what was going on. time. Maybe it was the drink but as we walked down with gunpowder. Luckily they had cigarettes, and
He was really pissed too; he kept leaning towards me the road I remember marvelling at how sexy she was. some JD. Me and Jim sat down and watched them
saying “Go on, get in there,” and then falling back on I wondered when I should make a move. I wondered continue. Paul told us how they were trying to make a
the bar again. Graz started saying that I should go if she really wanted me to, or if she just wanted me to bong out of all the gunpowder they had. We weren’t
over and talk to them because “Fuck it, it’s worth a try.” walk her home, she was pretty young and that. I really listening.
I began to realise that he was right and suddenly start- thought about suggesting going for a smoke down the
ed to get nervous, butterflies in my stomach and all beach but I didn’t know if it was her sort of thing. Then I sat there bored for ages, drinking the JD to keep me
that. I knew that I should make a move, I knew that I’d I started wondering why I hadn’t seen her around warm. Jim said they should make a fire but Alex was-
regret it the next day if I didn’t but the inertia had hit in. before and thought about what if she wasn’t even a n’t that enthusiastic about the idea. We decided to go
I guess it was the risk of humiliation and rejection. I GCSE student? to Alex’s van instead. Smoke some gear.
started saying that I couldn’t be bothered and that it
wasn’t worth it but the others didn’t pay any attention When we turned the corner though things started to It was a fucking long walk though. I remember think-
and continued egging it on. I remember wanting to happen, maybe even too quickly. Tanya was sudden- ing that I wanted to be in bed really but I hate missing
stay at the bar in the comfort of my own social group ly all over me, didn’t know how to kiss properly and out. Then Jim started moaning that he couldn’t find his
but they were becoming less of a comfort. she was near choking me with her tongue. Of course keys. I think they’d fallen out of his pocket when he’d
I was pissed and I didn’t really care that much but I sat down. He started saying that we should all go back
I began thinking “Why should I have to make the fist kept thinking about how young she seemed. Then she and help him find them but none of us could be arsed
move? If she’s interested she’ll come over to us.” The was pushing me up against the wall and she started so we just said we’d meet him at the van.
thing is, I don’t see why it’s the bloke who always has unbuttoning her shirt. I said that we couldn’t do any- Chris Morton
to do the chatting up. I mean it would be a lot easier if thing there and she grabbed my hand and dragged
girls did. Blokes are far too inactive; everyone would me across the road to where the public toilets were,
be a lot happier if it was the other way round. But there leading me into the girls one.
again sometimes it was better to be male: I had my
goal and I was in control. All I had to do was go over When we were in there I think she start-
and say something and I’d be in. Unless she wasn’t ed trying to give me a blow job or some-
interested. Unless she said “What? Who are you? thing but she didn’t know what she was
What are you talking about?” and all that rejection doing and started touching all the wrong
shit. places. I was so pissed and it was in a
fucking public toilet for fuck’s sake.
My mates were still egging it on. I thought back to
when I’d gone down the pub once with Chris, when I I’d had enough. I said that I didn’t want
was egging him on. It was far easier being on that side to do anything in a place like that. Tanya
of the situation. On that night the girl’s mate had final- stood up and buttoned her shirt. I
ly come up to him and told him that her friend was remained where I was, too drunk to
interested. I remember hoping that wouldn’t happen to move. She started to shout at me about
me because of it being an even worse situation to be how I was useless and how I’d led her
in. At least by being the initiator you stayed at a dom- on and asked me what I was expecting.
inant level. Graz was now telling me that if I didn’t go I could tell that she was insulted. She
over then he would do it for me. I picked up my pint gave me a kick in the bollocks, which
and went over to the table full of girls. was really fucking painful, and then ran
out.
I was really fucked. I just said “Hello,” sat down at their
table and waited for them to say something. One of I thought about following Tanya but I
the girls (I think her name was Jo) introduced me to couldn’t really be bothered with it.
the girl who’d been looking at me. Her name was Instead I lay on the dirty floor and remi-
Tanya. Jo said, “Tanya thinks you’re really horny.” I nisced about where I’d gone wrong.
responded with an “Oh, right,” and carried on drinking. Then this head rush started to hit in. I
I was beginning to get a headache. figured that I’d had too much to drink. I
reached down to button up my trousers
The headache got worse as I listened to their conver- and the toilet reappeared. I got out of
sation. One of the girls was going on about how she’d there pretty quick.
met Damon at a back stage Blur gig. How he was “So
nice,” and “Really intelligent, he didn’t say much but On the way out I saw Jim and Helene
he’d always understand what you were talking about.” getting off by the hedge. I was going to
Yeah, right. Whatever. Tanya asked me what kind of ignore them and headed off home but
music I was into and I said that I was an indie kid. She then Helene walked off and Jim ran up
said that she was too because she liked Blur and to me asking me what I’d been up to in
Oasis. the girls toilets. I said that I’d just been
09/11/00 Barefiction 15

BA
ARRE
EFFIIC
CTTIIO
ONN
Memoirs of a Geisha reality, where love can easily turn Albarn’s ever purposeful mission to easy to read. It is especially inter- of the characters’ minds. Renton is
by Arthur Golden into hurt. prove himself (as more than the esting to discover how many white the main character who tries to
10 out of 10 for a bestseller which poncy son of a famous artist, with a lies were written in the press. break away from his destiny as a
Despite its slow is beautiful fiction and a great read stupid name) and by the quick to skagg-head. But the book is seen
start this extraor- at the same time! develop friendship between the 2 But the book is still a bit too nice to through the eyes of many of the
dinary book hardest drinkers in Goldsmith’s art the band and therefore there is characters.
soon becomes a Gisela Boehnisch college; Alex James and Graham something lacking. The fact that The best thing about this book is
real page turner. Coxon, who were flatmate’s in Damon is so arrogant, for example, that it isn’t all moralistic but just
At the age of 3862 days halls. After this comes the baggy could have been explored. shows you the way it is, portraying
nine, Sayuri, a by Stuart Maconie scene, record company mishaps, realistically the bad things in their
Japanese girl the attempt to write distinctly Trainspotting every day lives without attempting
from a tiny fish- I guess you British songs to contrast an by Irvine Welsh to teach you that it isn’t the way life
ing village is have to under- increasingly stale grunge scene, should be led. But sometimes it
against her will taken to a stand a lot and of course the whole Britpop Arguably Irvine does go over the top as some of
geisha district in the town of Kyoto about the phenomenon that followed (the Welsh’s only the nastier characters sink lower
where she is to discover the secret Britpop phe- battle with Oasis and the ninety six good book is and lower into their primeval
and exotic world of Japanese nomenon and election being the most important actually started selves, or simply where some of
geisha. Being absolutely frightened the nineties (plot-lines)). And then of course off as a collec- the characters get what’s coming
and miserable in the beginning music scene in they supposedly got their heads tion of short to them.
Sayuri slowly grows into her new general to really together to become one of the stories captur- But the way the separate tales all
role as a glamorous geisha and appreciate the biggest bands in the world. ing the atmos- link in, though slightly confusing, is
learns to adapt to a lifestyle which (plot) of this phere of inner nicely original. More than that, I
is fascinating and shocking at the book. Blur were a band who were Unfortunately the book is a tiny bit city Glasgow think, it builds a wider, more
same time. always with the scene, whether biased, and as with most music lower-class life. In the beginning it detailed, picture of this section of
With this brilliant first novel Arthur they were creating it, or jumping on biographies there are repeated is hard to interpret, the use of Glasgow’s working class. It may
Golden not only gives the reader the bandwagon. sections describing how great Scottish language (which makes not even have been deliberate at
an amazing insight in one of the every song is (kind of a bullshit Rab. C. Nesbit. seem easy to first, but this hugely original book
most exciting aspects of Japanese And an exciting (plot) it certainly is. thing to do). But even though it is understand) is difficult to compre- could even be interpreted as one of
society in the 1930s and 1940s, The early days of a drunken radical slightly biased, the history is hend at first, but once accustomed the all-time classic alternative
but also created a heroine who art school band with no real songs described with a factual and seri- to, it begins to feel more like poetry reads.
effortlessly draws us into her world. but a lot of attitude was Seymour, ous viewpoint and the slightly as the words dance around the
A world where illusion clashes with brought together by Damon mythological storytelling makes it is pages as the messed up thoughts Chris Morton
16 OFU 09/11/00

Stories of Daughters, Dead


People, And Beethoven acrobat, a hardman, a physical vir- Re-released finally last year, fol- Jackie, Ned’s neighbour, and his
tuoso. And this is a seriously fun lowing Kubrick’s death, the film wife - with hilarious consequences.
film. Come and see. once again calls into question the
nature of humanity, in much the A quirky and oddly involving come-
The next day, Moday the 13th, life same way as the infamous 1994 dy, Waking Ned was hailed as a
takes a turn for the darker with feature, “Funny Games”, by bid- quiet triumph upon general
Stanley Kubrick’s notorious adap- ding the audience to question their release. Now’s a chance to catch
tation of Anthony Burgess’ satire, own responses. Very much worth this comic and affecting film if you
“A Clockwork Orange”. In a world seeing. missed out the first time round.
of hi-tech cultural decay (that looks Enjoy.
strikingly like modern-day University Arts Cinema this week is
Walthamstow), teenage delinquent the comedy feature, “Waking Ned”. (This week’s column was written by
Alex and his band of droogs while A small coastal village in Ireland Prince William, the new office jun-
away the bleak hours of the night goes to war with itself when one of ior here at OFU HQ. Sorry for any
getting high on spiked milk, before its residents, the eponymous Ned, inconvenience caused. All com-
heading out into the town for `a lit- wins the National Lottery, only to plaints to prince-of-
tle of the old ultraviolence`. promptly kick the bucket. The scrut@eton.ac.uk, please.)
responsibility to share out the
After being caught and jailed, Alex money then comes to rest with
submits to new experimental thera-
py at the promise of freedom - only
As the rains pour down, it’s impor-
tant to remember what really
counts in life. It’s also handy not to
showing on Sunday the 12th, sees
human dynamo Jackie Chan team
up with Chris Tucker. When
to be subjected to an intense pro-
gram of psychological conditioning.
Returned to the world incapable of
At The Cinema
MOMENTO (15) ness, the audience are made
forget the things that cause you Chinese Consul Han’s daughter is violent acts, Alex becomes the vic-
tim of his victims... aware of events which Leonard
pain, because with pain comes kidnapped, Han himself knows that has forgotten, allowing us to some-
Guy Pearce (of ex-neighbours
focus. As the Tao Te Ching there is only one man for the job.
But when the media seize the truth fame) stars as Leonard, an ex- what pre-empt the finale.
remarks, experience is the extract Not for this case the bungling FBI - However, this is somehow what
of what has been done to Alex, the insurance assessor out to avenge
of suffering. no, he needs his daughter’s martial
politicians enter the frame once the rape and murder of his wife. makes the film. Watching how he
arts teacher and part-time super- deals with his inability to recollect
again and set about undoing what The vital flaw in his plan is that he
Never is this more true than if you cop, Inspector Lee (Chan)!
has been done to curry public suffers from a condition commonly important clues to the murderer’s
are a international criminal master- identity proves surprisingly addic-
favour. We see that, terrible as known as short-term memory loss
mind. In such a case, you might be Impatient FBI agents assign rogue
Alex’s deeds are, they pale by (caused by a blow to the head, I tive, and I was hooked till the end.
forgiven for thinking that perhaps LAPD detective James Carter to Striking an impressive balance
comparison to the state’s autocrat- hasten to add) and is unable to
kidnapping a diplomat’s 11-year- the case to try and babysit Lee, but
ic control... remember anything that happened between serious issues and touch-
old daughter is, well, fair play. But this decision rankles with both ingly amusing moments, the film is
since the incident for more than
you would want to be careful where men, and before long, they are bat-
Courting swathes of controversy around half-an-hour. This obvious- neither too heavy-going nor too
you voiced this opinion, because tling in tandem against their foe... light-hearted. However, there are
on it’s release upon both sides of ly makes the task of seeking out
Jackie Chan wouldn’t agree with
the Atlantic, the film was withdrawn and killing the perpetrator some- certain flaws, such as the fact that
you. Especially not if you’re the If you’ve never seen a Jackie Chan on occasion you feel that Leonard
from distribution in this country by what challenging. He uses an
same criminal mastermind from his movie, well... you really should.
Kubrick himself, after a series of intricate system of notes and pho- has conveniently remembered just
film “Rush Hour”... Hype aside, the guy does things a little too much, but in general I
copycat attacks - and death tographs to recognise characters
that you’ll never see anyone else in
threats. and fulfil his mission. would say that it is definitely worth
This frenetic and lightspeed-paced the world do... and he doesn’t seeing.
action comedy, which we are believe in using stuntmen. He’s an
Due to the nature of Leonard’s ill- 7/10 by Rosie Burns
09/11/00 Websites & 17
Colleges:not just for Oxbridge? Website Reviews:
Without a doubt, the one thing that most these off-campus students feel as much migrate to for the gaps between lec-
helped me to settle into university life
was living on campus. I was lucky
a part of the university community as
those living on-campus? Certainly I
tures, and the university’s social life is
based around the colleges, with ‘com-
Charity
enough to live on a floor with a great have always thought so, but I had mon room committees’ providing a
selection of house mates and so, within thought it wasn’t possible. Until I visited range of ents. Different colleges have
a few weeks of being at Surrey, I felt Lancaster University, that is. different atmospheres, and new stu- Have you noticed all the Christmas stuff going up
very much at home and part of a real Lancaster University, like Surrey, is one dents quickly discover which college already? How about all those people out there
community. Other sixth form friends of of the many universities that sprang up best suits their taste. wearing their “poppy with pride”??? Well I know it’s
mine weren’t quite so fortunate - some in the 1960’s and built brand new cam- In many ways, the colleges act as a early to worry too much about Christmas but now is
of them went to universities that didn’t puses with plenty of student accommo- devolved Students’ Union with a number the time that a lot of charities go all out to get dona-
offer any accommodation at all, and oth- dation. Like Surrey, Lancaster students smaller sites around campus. tions. Ok, but what if you don’t know
ers went to universities whose accom- spend some of their years living on- Consequently the main Students’ Union anything about their organisation…well then look it
modation consisted of the odd street campus and some of their years living building at Lancaster is far less signifi- up on the web!
house scattered across the town. They off-campus. What makes Lancaster sig- cant in community life than it is here at
all found lots of new friends and were nificantly different from Surrey is that Surrey, which is probably a good thing http://www.poppy.org.uk This is a great site with
integrated into the university community, Lancaster opted to have colleges for considering the difficulty we have in information from the
of course, but surely not as quickly as students to belong to. These colleges attracting non-traditional students into history of the poppy to
those of us who lived on campus with aren’t like Oxford or Cambridge’s aca- the Union building (except on Thursdays what the appeal is still
hundreds of other freshers. demic colleges, but are more like the for the market, of course). doing today. You can
Living on-campus is great fun: there is ‘houses’ that you might have belonged I wouldn’t ever expect Surrey to adopt a even download a popp-
always something to do, and there are to at school. college system or anything similar. I e for your computer, it’s
always people around to talk to. Of All students choose which college to would love it if it did, though, and it well laid out and links
course, it can all get a bit too much, and join when they arrive at Lancaster, and wouldn’t be too hard to implement if the back to it’s parent organisation. So if you’ve won-
living off-campus during their second most first years will live in the accommo- will was there. My Lancaster experience dered what all us strange peopleare doing wearing
year is a refreshing change for many dation block associated with that col- has convinced me that small communi- this poppy go check it out. 9/10
students. But those who live off-campus lege. ties are more effective at supporting stu-
for a large proportion of their student life Each college has a building with sen- dents’ needs than one big entity that http://the-childrens-society.com Well the site for a
can feel themselves getting increasingly ior and junior common rooms, pigeon- tries to cater for all. Past thinking at charity run on a free
isolated from the university community. holes, a bar, and porters - not too dis- Surrey seems to have been mostly domain site so there is
The average amount of time that similar to Surrey’s court receptions Union-House-centric, and the main the little pop up box
Surrey students spend living on campus (except for the bar!). Apart from facili- focus in the development of the building and stuff but don’t let it
seem to be declining as pressure for ties, though, the main benefit of seems to have been to provide as big a deter you. This is a
campus rooms increases and more and Lancaster’s system is that the colleges venue as possible for the end-of-semes- charity, yes YET
more students choose Surrey because it provide a number of small communities ter bashes and the occasional sell-out another one, run for
is close to their home, especially mature for students to belong to, not just in the FNO. Much as I love going to the Union children, but according to all the people running this
students. Any undergrad who stays at years that they live on campus. As a for these big events, I think that’s a charity it’s for the children who slip down the cracks
Surrey to do a PhD, such as myself, will simple way of ‘forcing’ off-campus stu- shame, and I am very aware that there and aren’t really helped by other charities or the gov-
probably spend five or six of their seven dents to maintain contact with their col- are many students who never feel the ernment. The site is bright and colourful and well
years at Surrey off-campus. lege, students collect their mail from the need to set foot inside the Union build- laid out with all the information you need about the
We will never be in a situation where college pigeonholes rather that depart- ing. The solution, in my opinion, is not to charity and the projects they run. They never accept
all students could spend all their years ment pigeonholes, even returned course try and bring students into the Students’ donations off the street, instead they have a large
living on campus (most students would work. Not that off-campus students need Union building, but to take the Students’ base of people who use direct debit to pay any sum
find that stifling anyway), but wouldn’t it to be forced to use their college facilities Union to the students. you want to give monthly, it’s worth a look. 8/10
be nice if there was some way of making - the college is the natural place to Andy Gale
http://www.rnib.org.uk
This sites not so well
laid out but it does
have some good
parts to it if you want
to spend the time
Union Security Policy looking around and
they do have some fonts that some people might like
to look at, if you’ve ever wanted to have braille or
Your Name’s Not Down … one. DO NOT SIGN IN STRANGERS. feels that a person should be asked to moon fonts on your computer go here and check the
Only sign in those who you know and leave, then they contact their supervisor everyday products section of the site. 6/10
Recently, we’ve been getting some com- trust, if they cause trouble inside, then who will advise further. In some cases
ments in the Union about the role that you will receive the disciplinary. the need in more than obvious, and http://www.rnli.org.uk/Home.asp Well this is proba-
our Security plays during events. To action will be taken straight away. bly something few of
clear up some misconceptions, we’ve I’ve been queing for over half an hour us think about but
answered some of the frequently asked and security have let someone go I’ve been thrown out and I want to contrary to the belief
questions about security. straight in! complain? of the AA these peo-
They are either staff, or on the guest list. If you have been ejected from the build- ple are actually our
I’ve lost my Union Card? ing, then you will not be permitted to fourth emergency
You can’t come in. The Union is a pri- Who gets on the guest list? come back in that evening. Complaints service, they are the
vate members club, to come in you must DJ’s, friends of DJ’s, competition win- should be made the following day to the people who maintain and man the lifeboats around
show your membership (campus) card ners, and guests of full time staff/sab- president. the UK and are currently helping in some of the
baticals. floods too. OK so you may not think it’s all that
Can’t my friend sign me in? Security are on a power trip? important if you live inland but if you’ve ever been on
No. You can only sign in bona fide The person in front of me didn’t pay No, working security can quite often be a ferry or sailing out on the ocean these would be
guests, a member who has lost their to get in! a daunting and stressful task. There is the people you call when you get in trouble so check
card is a member without a card not a All off-duty casual staff from the Union one member of staff per 100 students on out the page, it’s good, full of information and things
guest. are permitted free entry to the building a busy night and each member must be to do and they need peoples help to help us. 8/10
(except ticketed events) secure whilst in the building. Security
But I come here every week? must also ensure that the DJ’s, band’s http://www.mind.org.uk/ The last on my list of sites,
Many people come regulary, but our I’ve been asked to leave, why? and Union equipment is safe. When you although there are
security staff cannot be expected to If you are a danger to other members in have had a lot to drink, and you are talk- more out there, these
remember individual faces the building, or have been offensive to ing to a member of staff who is sober, people are looking to
other members, then you will be asked your perception of the conversation will help anyone with any
When can I sign guests in? to leave. You will also be asked to leave differ greatly from theirs (most people kind of mental health
Guests can be signed in from 10am- if you have had too much to drink. talk crap when pissed). problems in England
10pm every day except for Friday and Wales. The site
nights. Members wanting to bring a I don’t want to go. Security are not perfect, but expereince is well laid out and has information on all aspects of
guest into the Union on a Friday night If you do not leave when asked, then has shown us that it is better to use stu- the charity, it’s also a pretty colour
must buy a guest ticket from reception. you will physically removed dent staff than outside security compa- being mainly blue with some purple…the navigation
Guest tickets are on sale all week and nies (we tried that). If you would like to has a nice effect at the top of the page definitely
up until 7pm on a Friday. That’s assault work security then feel free to put your worth a look see. 7/10
No it’s not. name forward at the front desk.
How many guests can I sign in?
Each student can sign in up to two Who decides who is thrown out? Alan Roy
guests. Life members can only sign in If an individual member of security staff
09/11/00 Gossip, Sex & The Universe 19
Big Sister LIFE AFTER
Well this week has seen some asking no questions), you tried organs. THE
ups and downs – so to speak. to scale a certain Cathedral Also noted was a blonde Major
Whilst retailers have been on
the up with sociology students,
court building before trying the
doorbell!! And, even after being
who felt some Freddy PRECHA
this weekend.
WOMB
it’s been the Chemistry lot on the let in….how did you think you Dearest Beaker, like us, you by Rich W
down, looking for lost coats and were going to get into your feel you have to keep on eye on
falling flat on their faces whilst room? You had no keys. Still, toi- all the goings on in the union
I don’t suppose that feeling of immanence and impending has
keeping the student staff up until let roll I am sure, made a great ...especially when it involves
caught up with you, and that you’re feeling the strain of course-
God knows what hour! duvet and pillow. your sister. So the pulling ability
work deadlines and exam revision already, but if it has, help is at
Again, G-Mas went off with a Union on Wednesday night is genetic, is it? Nice to see that
hand - the television is in a room not too far away and, best of all,
bang. They can’t just play their held a few surprises for a certain even though she had her arm in
it has your name written all over it.
music without some trouble football girl, you go girl! a sling, it didn’t stop her from
Yep, ‘fraid so...revision will have to take a back seat to your tele-
going on! Keep us informed you Is the weather getting you playing with that hockey players
visual habits and sit its lazy fat-ass in a dark corner of a very dark
never fail to amuse us. down, boys or perhaps you are stick. Perhaps you could learn
room, because the attraction that is banal afternoon chat debates
Chemistry students must real- getting used to it? So used to it some handy tips because it has
and entertaining quiz shows has just entered the building, and is
ly learn how to behave properly. you feel the need to leak your been a long time since your tips
feeling very horny. Consider for a second the metaphorical box-
Picking up drunks and flayling bladder on the carpets for that been handy.
ing match that is an afternoon of arduous revision versus the
your arms around policemen just extra special tramp feeling. Bob, You know the deal by now,
enjoyment procured by watching TV:
isn’t the way to go. Perhaps pass us the toilet roll? send the gory gossip to us on
“Laaaaaadiiieeees aaaanndddd geeeeeentlemeeennn, in the
Chemistry students ought to Friday night went whippingly gorgeous_babe69@hotmail.co
red corner, weighing in at two hours of your spare time and look-
have a specialist module on how well for one particular pussy cat. m And remember tarts, we are
ing very, very ugly indeed, I give you Ronald “the Right Royal
to handle alcohol or perhaps just With that outfit its no wonder you still watching!
Wanker” Revision....and in the blue corner, weighing in at one-
drink the old H2O…you’re all a pulled……or did you?
black-box-on-top-of-a-very-attractive-television-set-and-my-god-
bunch of lightweights! Smiler (Hannibal Lecter), the Tinks & Winks, with a handful of
it-is-one-sexy-momma-of-a-poppa, I give you, the undisputed king
Sideshow Bob has been up barmaid treated a non-Surrey help from Mr Big.
of afternoon free-time, Dimitri “the Delicious Demi-God” Digital
to his usual tricks, yoga on the student to some extra special
Box, with his more-than-able assistant, the delightful, the beauti-
pub floor? What will you be biting action. Kinky if gory was a
ful, the shit-i-wish-i-had-my-tight-pants-on-because-there’s-move-
doing next, sleeping in toilets?? way to go but you left him a bit
ment-in-my-loins-that-I-can’t-control, Tania “the Titilator”
Oh you did. So Bob, having lost battered in the morning and
Television.”
your keys in a bush (and we are missing a few chunks from vital
With all due respect, there’s not much of a bout there, is there?
Well, this is what I thought, until recently, when it occurred to me
that television programming is, in fact, crap. I’m well aware that to
Who’s Been Caught This Week on
on camera
camera many, this is what attracts them - the sheer ‘badness’ of it all.
(‘Bad’ in the ‘shit’ sense of the word, and not in the ‘Michael-
Jackson-you-know-I’m...’ sense of the word, although he does
seem to be trying to define his own meaning), but that doesn’t
really pickle my gherkin - I’m after quality entertainment and gen-
uine I’m-watching-TV-because-I-like-what-I-see reasons.
Take, for example, “The Weakest Link”. Basic premise is this:
answer questions correctly otherwise you go away with the feeling
that you’re shit and your life will amount to nothing, thanks to Ann
whatever-her-name-is, old-bird-from-Watchdog. Not entertaining
in the least, more annoying...I’d rather be watching my TV than
throwing things at it, but some of the people on this damned quiz
make me launch the closest thing to hand, be it inanimate or liv-
ing...believe me when I say that some people really do need to be
shot, and, as I’ve mentioned before, I’m the man to do it. (The
man who was apparently a member of MENSA and thought that
Barcelona was the capital of Spain is a particularly good example
of this). What you want from a quiz show are examples of people
with superior intelligence, so that those watching at home feel like
the country is safe in the hands of those who know the answers to
the questions you haven’t the foggiest about. Can I suggest that
you look no further than 15 to 1for such a programme: William G.
Stewart - my hero, and just what does that ‘G’ stand for?
...and the bloody news...what on earth is that all about? Firstly,
you’re not sure what time it’s on because the schedulers are too
busy buggering around with it, and then, by the time it is actually
on, it’s full of shit...so much so that you ask yourself if the stuff
they’re showing you is actually going on or whether some bloke in
the props department is making it all up.
Ok, so that last bit is a bit harsh, but I do have a point here. The
Queen Mother trips getting into her car (don’t worry, she wasn’t
driving) and it makes every major news bulletin for the next three
days. Three days, for christ’s sake - what is wrong with people?
Who cares if the Queen Mother trips? I say, let her trip...let her do
If you have any photos you wish to send into barefacts then her other hip in and get free bloody surgery on that one as well; in
fact, why don’t we wait until her next accident and then televise the
please send them to barefacts@surrey.ac.uk or pop them surgery that is undertaken to fix the old hag - that’ll be entertain-
ing, won’t it - just like “Animal Hospital”, but with the Queen Mother
into the office in the Students’ Union instead of some dog...
As I say, the news is crap. The fact that they’re still going on
about the floods is proof alone, even if you forget about the Queen
Personals Mother thing. (By the way, I have an idea - here we all are, moan-
ing about the floods and stuff, and we’re full of the ‘aren’t we so
- www.chipsmoreanallyreten- tions???? FOR 450 RESIDENTS ON CAM- hard done by’ attitude. So what I reckon is, get all the monsoon
tivethanever.com - Stag Hill Court Social Committee PUS???? victims from Bangladesh to live here and we’ll all move to
- www.bychipswemeanbenmccorma- presents... Christmas Shopping in WHERE IS THE FLOCK??? HAVE Bangladesh...see how we cope then. Although, the funniest thing
ckthefinalyear.co.uk London!!! U LOST THEM AGAIN!!! UkTB
- www.doyougetthemes - Thursday 7th December, £5 on- - When PURPLE hair meets about the floods was that they hit Bognor...at which point, having
sageyetchips.org campus students, £6 off-campus. BLEACHED BLOND HIGHLIGHTS seen this on the news, my friend jumped up and shouted “yeh, and
- Little Lou: we saw you getting Coach will leave from campus for the chemistry just isn't there. He'd people from Bognor fucking deserve it as well”. Very funny) .
jiggy with little kingy, be good! London at 5pm and will return rather have SPECIAL BREW, while So, anyway, my point is this - before abandoning anything to
- "Who is the spikey haired cowboy before midnight! she'd prefer STELLA!!!!! seat yourself in front of the TV, ask yourself one simple question -
from fetish night pictured at the bot- Tickets will be on sale at Stag Hill - KANE we saw you HANGING is it going to move you and make you think about stuff you would-
tom of the picture page with Luke?? Court Reception soon... Keep ur i's around in the WARDENS garden, n’t normally think about, or is it going to reduce your brain activity
VERY sexy and i believe he is also peeled! how is the tree!!! Pictures soon to to that of some old-and-past-it woman who can’t get into a car
the girls hockey coach!!! any other - J, what's so special about Sarahs follow.
girls agree??" (It's Chris..ed) room?!? -Paul from house 59, house 51 properly? I think it’s a fair question to ask, for its implications are
- Interested to going into London to - Jamie, hand over the zip disk - wants your body!! far reaching in our degree attainment, and one that I myself am
do some Christmas shopping at explicit porn IS illegal! - WHY DOES IT ALWAYS going to ponder whilst watching Watercolour Challenge.
Oxford St. and to see the decora- - WHO's THE PASTORAL CARER RAIN????
20 Lifestyle 09/11/00

Dr Russ
Dear Russ Library. This contains brief descriptions of the
work which various academic staff in British
I am thinking about doing a PhD. How universities are carrying out. The next step
should I go about it and how do I know would be to send your CV with a covering let-
I would be suited to it anyway? ter explaining what you would like to do and
why. You can make as many applications as
Dear Gemma you like. ARE YOU HAPPY PAYING TUITION does provide entry on purely academic cri-
FEES? teria.
It is probably better if I answer the second Finally, if you would like to stay at Surrey, all
part of your question first. I have lost count of you need to do is mention your interest to the THIS COULD BE YOUR LAST CHANCE Protection against the threat of differ-
the number of PhD students I have seen over member of staff with whom you would like to TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT… ential or top-up fees so that the quality of
the years who have wanted to give up. In work and they will tell you what might be a student’s education is not determined by
many cases, they simply hadn’t realised just available. On Wednesday November 15th, Students an ability to pay and that higher education
how different a PhD would be from a first across the nation have the opportunity to is not divided by the creation of an expen-
degree. Apart from one or two special doc- unite with NUS to take part in the Grants sive elite.
torates, most PhDs involve no lectures, no Russ Clark not Fees event in order to show the nation
revision and just one single 2-3 hour exam at Careers Service just how committed us poor students are NUS have organised this and are cam-
to the abolition of Tuition Fees, and this is paigning hard on behalf of every student,
the end. You may find yourself working alone
for long periods. You may meet what appear our chance to do it with one huge impact so lets show them that surrey students are
of a united voice. with them 100%.
to be insurmountable problems or you may
simply fail to obtain the Months of planning have gone into making
results or information which Some of you may well remember the sure this Grants not Fees event will not
you need. You are therefore march for education last year where only make a huge impact but also that you
more likely to succeed if you 1,000’s of students marched across will all enjoy it. If you support the cause
are determined, patient, London and threw 100’s of rubber ducks (i.e. you are not happy about the likely
have good time manage- into the Thames. Everyone that went had possibility of leaving uni in a ridiculous
ment skills and the ability to a wicked time last year and this year the amount of debt) then use your voice and
solve problems. It also goes turn out could be even better, particularly sign up in the union reception to join this
without saying that you as it is a crucial time as the parliamentary event (or email me on s.westwell@sur-
should have an enquiring elections approach. The Grants not Fees rey.ac.uk - free transport will be of course
mind and a love for the sub- event will begin at 11.00 am on 15th be provided from campus to and from the
ject you are studying. Do November in Malet Street in London. From event. We do realise that it may clash with
you think you fit the bill? If here everyone will then march together to some of your lectures but please be
you have serious doubts Kennington Park where London Mayor assure that all university staff will be
about these requirements a Ken Livingstone, NUS National President informed that students may wish to attend
PhD might not be right for Owain James and others will address the this and that all Trade Unions are support-
you. rally. An added bonus this year to end the ing this event so it should not be a problem
day in a more celebratory style, there will for them to let you go.
Moving on to the other part be a special concert for all the students
of your question, a good participating held at Brixton Academy fea- Tickets for the after party concert (Artful
place to start looking is in turing Roni Size/Reprazent, The Artful Dodger, Freestylers, Manchild, Roni Size
Prospects Postgraduate Dodger, The Freestylers and Manchild. etc.!) do have to be bought in advance.
Directory, a copy of which We are also trying to organise for special You can still just come along to the rally
can be seen in the Careers t-shirts to be made so you might even be and march for free, it is not obligatory that
Library. It is also available able to take a memento of the day – it you go the after party as tickets for this do
on the internet. They will could make history after all! cost – but all those featured acts will be for
give you some idea of the no more than £5 so it is a complete bar-
kind of research going on in Without action to eliminate unequal gain if you are considering it. More details
different parts of the country. access to higher education, higher educa- of how to buy these tickets are available at
If you would like more tion may once again become the almost the Union Reception as well as the signing
detailed information you exclusive preserve of the wealthy. The up list for the march. So come along and
could try Current Research recent Cubie Inquiry into student funding join the march with your fellow students.
in Britain, a copy of which in Scotland highlighted many of the defi-
can be seen in the Main ciencies of the UK system and radically
altered the policy of the Scottish by Susie Westwell
Executive. Scottish students are now eligi-
ble for income-contin-
Cindy’s Minibus gent maintenance
allowances and are
Every Monday Night exempt from upfront
tuition fee payments.
Leaving Chancellors between 10pm –11.30pm NUS is calling for this
Pick up from Cindie’s between 1.15am –2.30am system to be extend-
ed to all students
throughout the UK,
Hazel Farm just as the campaign-
ing worked in
Every Wednesday and Friday Night Scotland, with
Pick Up at Hazel Farm Bus stop (Senate University) enough support it can
work here in the UK
1.45am –2.45am too.

NUS is committed to:


The restoration of
targeted grants i n
order to encourage
potential students
from poor socio-eco-
nomic backgrounds
into higher education
without the fear of
huge graduate debt.
The abolition of
tuition fees in order
that education may
be free at the point of
entry, does not dis-
criminate against
those who can’t
afford to pay and
09/11/00 Societies 21
Notices
Exec
Exec Committee
Committee
Thursday 9th November
Doctors & Nurses Night 5pm Grant Mitchell Room

Student
Student Council
Council
Anything but hospital radio! Tuesday 14th November
Last Saturday saw the first event from Surrey’s 1pm Main Union
own student radio station, GU2. With a theme
of “dirty doctors and naughty nurses” the Central
Central Committee
Committee
dancefloor heaved to the medical massive as Thursday 16th November
have-a-go bongos joined the beat pounding
sounds of some of the best of GU2’s DJ crew.
Attention:
Attention:
One of the most successful Saturday nights
this term, you can expect more in the future. On Saturday, 4th November,
GU2 officially launches at the start of February the Alpine Garden Society
on 1350am, tune in - it’s anything but brain sur- held a successful all-day
gery! meeting in the Lecture
X-Ray-tastic
Noise Surgeons Theatre Block. During the
After keyhole surgery on Saturday night the packing up operation at
results were
about 4:45pm, someone
as follows,
passing through the lower
concourse picked up a small
plant in a pot from a table
there. The plant is labeled
ANEMONE POLYANTHES
and will not live for long in a
heated room. It is a high
mountain plant needing spe-
cialist care and is not avail-
able from ordinary garden
The Sisters Of Mercy Dance Dentists
Ear Canal Specialist centres but only from special-
ist suppliers. The rightful
owner requests that it be
returned so that it may
receive the tender loving
care that it deserves. Please
deliver the plant to the Union
reception, as soon as possi-
ble.

Unis
Unis Choir
Choir
UniS Choir, Soloists, and
Baroque Players present a
The Two Surgeons of Noise Look at that pair Ear Drum Specialist Lunchtime Concert on
Wednesday 15th November
at 1:10pm in Guildford
the right and the left, with your steering levers, said a word about the jump itself. Well, unfortu- Cathedral.
and (always a useful one this) can you land nately the weather intervened, even to the
safely. Then you can have a ‘play’ and enjoy extent where the plane could not even take off.
the ride for about 1,500 feet. So over the next few weeks we will all jump and Performing Handel's 'Acis
The ‘playing’ generally means head over to a please be assured you will get to see photos of and Galatea', conducted by
designated area, where you can try out things; our faces as we land. Nicholas Conran.
for example you could go into a spiral, or send
Extreme Sports Club your stomach up somewhere close to your By Luke Hickey. Admission Free - everyone
brain by ‘pumping’ and then releasing the welcome.
I’m a sensible kind of guy, ask anybody; I never levers quickly. Anyway, after your fun comes
do anything stupid or risky, I’m even frightened the serious bit of landing, there is a set pattern, Food Allergy
of dogs (no jokes about I can’t pull good look- similar in a way to how an aircraft lands, you go
Do you have a food allergy?
ing birds either please). So why on earth would around the side of the landing area and then
turn around, come back and land, hopefully And five minutes to fill in a
I want to throw myself out of a plane, 3,500 feet questionnaire for my
off the ground, safe in the knowledge that if without breaking anything.
Despite the obvious risks, parachuting is a dissertation. Then call
both my parachutes fail my death will be pain-
less and instant, but immediate. I found myself very safe sport, especially at the beginners Hannah on extension 55427
asking this question as I ran to Senate House level. The guys who trained us have about 1
in a world record time, to arrive for the 6:30am beginner’s main parachute ‘fail’ each year (out
of about one thousand first time jumpers), and
AGM’s
start last Saturday (damm useless alarm clock).
I was about to spend a day being taught about in most cases this is student error. In each case
the noble art of parachuting. the reserve has fired properly and you anyway Thursday
Thursday 9th
9th November
November
After our short minibus ride to the London are taught the drill for any problems so well that Ultimate Frisbee AGM
you can change parachutes in two seconds. A variation to the school game ‘sticky mud’
Parachute School’s base in Oxfordshire, the Time 7pm, Union
eleven slightly insane individuals congregated Society chairman, Steve Payne told us that the
in a parish hall and began being barked at by chances of both parachutes failing are about
Thursday
Thursday November
November 9th9th
an ex-serviceman. During the day we were the same as winning the lottery and being
Funk Society, 7pm
shown everything, as you would expect and struck down by lightening and the same time.
indeed hope. In fact, not only were we shown So why would you want to undertake this
experience? Well here are a few quotes from Thursday
Thursday November
November 9th
9th
everything, it was drilled into us so much that
the people do did go on the training day: Nightline AGM, 18AD04 6PM
you can do it instinctively.
If you wanted to do a parachute jump, the first ‘Floating at 100mph must be something, I have
thing you would do is jump, sorry to be obvious, to try it out’ (Tamas Kormos) ‘I love the fear’ Thursday
Thursday November
November 9th
9th
so you learn how to do that without getting (Richard Longland) ‘It would be rude not to’ Third World Development
caught up on the plane (or almost twisting your (Jonathan Wood) ‘It will back up my claims to AGM
ankle like I managed). Next your main para- bravery’ (Gareth Torner). Even our own editor
6.30pm - LTE
chute has to open, a static line, which goes Kev Marston took part in the day and said ‘I
from a solid point in the plane to you backpack, want to experience the adrenalin rush and
falling peacefully through the air’. Thursday
Thursday November
November 9th 9th
automatically opens it. As you start your
By now you may have noticed something; Student Industrial Society
descent, you have to perform a number of The Extreme Sports Crew and Trainer
I’ve waffled on about the training day and not AGM, 7.30pm TB23
checks; such as can you maneuver yourself to
22 Sport 09/11/00

Surrey Pride
Sporting Vernacler Six A Side Results
Keep the reports coming in! Its great to Thumbs up should also be given to Wednesday 1st saw Real Wages play Consult Hyperion in the six a side football competi-
be able to keep everyone updated Mountain Walking for their continued feed- tion at the Varsity Centre. An early blunder by goalie “Chip” Monks, letting in a soft long
about Surreys continued competition back. Other non competitive clubs should range shot looked to have cost Real the chance of any points in a tough match. However
successes (and the less common loss- get writing however. Firstly so we don’t just almost straight from the kickoff Consults goalie made an identical mistake allowing a long
es). It would also be good to hear hear about MWC and Surf and secondly so range shot from Nathan in to make it 1-1. The game was evenly matched and later “Chip”
about a few teams that have not fea- everyone hears about what you get up to. redeemed himself with an excellent close range save, and so the game ended 1-1. The
tured yet this year. Quite notably, the result leaves Real Wages 2nd in the group with 2 games to play. At the post match inter-
You can definitely recruit through writing arti- view Chairman “JR” Stacey was asked about the performance “We always knew it would
mens teams. There is nothing wrong in
cles and if you can get some photos in as be a tough game and would have settled with a point before hand, however any more mis-
lagging behind the other half of the
sport. Just try to put some spin on your well then your club will look even better. takes like that by the goalie and we might have to dive into the transfer market” Real
activities. Surely someone in the club Wages next play in the 5 a side competition Thursday (today) lunchtime. REAL WAGES
must be used to making “things” sound Chops MEDIA
better than they really are!

Chance Brown
UniS Squash hit a slight snag last week, we match and Chris behaved in exactly the With unerring skill he kept his opponent menting with a new tactic, playing so badly
lost a string! Playing away at Brunnel, we same fashion finishing with a 9-0. Although pinned to the ‘T’ for large portions of the that he was hoping to catch his opposition
had a great drive around the M25 in our lit- it must be stated that he didn’t go 4-8 down game, presenting him with opportunity for off guard and surprise him with his interest-
tle Corsa, all five plus bags again! We had in the second game before deciding it might kills all over the place. His length was fan- ing shot selection. In short he was not good,
the usual flawless performances from the be a good idea to win- Mike! So with strings tastic, contriving to bounce of the back wall when he was good he was bad and when he
lower end, Martin Page and Stuart Morbin, one, three, four and five under our belt we straight to his opponents racket, his drops was bad he was very bad indeed. He lost,
strings four and five respectively. Neither of could end this report here and all go home either being driven straight into the tin or collecting nine points along the way (in sep-
them dropped a single point in their 27-0 none the wiser. But no, full attention has to somewhere around the middle of the front arate games!), three love! So if you happen
demolition of the opposition. Mike did his be drawn to the interesting display by our wall. His running game was so fast it was to see this squash genius around campus
usual of making the opposition look much second string, Paul Chance. impossible to see him run it was so fast, so do feel free to shout out a greeting, his nick
better than they were, closing out two close Never in the history of University of Surrey fast in fact that we never saw him run in the names from his team mates will do, I am
games before a 9-0 game to clinch the squash has such talent been displayed. whole miss-match. Perhaps he was experi- sure you can work them out.

VACANCIES
FULL TIME & PART TIME
EVENINGS, WEEKENDS LUNCH TIMES
HOURS TO SUIT

BENEFITS INCLUDE FREE MEALS, CAR


PARKING, HOLIDAY PAY, BONUSES

£5.62 per Hour*


(Fri, Sat and Sun evenings after 6pm)

£4.50 per Hour


(Starting rate at all other times)

Burger King North Street


Burger King Ladymead
Retail Park
(By the A3/Wooden Bridge)
Guildford
Drop in and fill in an application form today!
Speak to Kyle (Duty Manager)
Phone 01483-539822
09/11/00 Sport 23

Surrey Pride
Two Sticks and Me UniSport
The Nordic Pole-Walking experi- poles properly (it’s not really difficult, I’m Varsity Bar
ence. just extremely un-coordinated!) and set The Beer Festival at the Varsity Centre is on
off. Despite falling over my feet a couple Friday 8th December 5-11pm FREE ENTRANCE.
If you were out around campus at of times, I quickly picked up the rhythm Over 30 different real ales. Happy hour 5-6pm.
lunchtime Tuesday or Wednesday and was striding away like a regular. I Come early it gets busy!
you may have seen a small group of could feel the muscles in my upper arms
determined walkers with brightly and shoulders very quickly, so it must We are considering holding a regular UniSport
coloured poles, and thought, Who have been doing some good! At the end Quiz Night at the Varsity Centre. Teams of five,
are they? What are they doing? of the walk I felt like I’d had a workout, entry fee £10 to include a jug of beer and snacks
Don’t they look silly?! and on such a beautiful day it was great plus a donation to charity. Thoughts???????
In fact, this group would have been to be outside doing something! When the
practising the art of Nordic Pole-Walking, Mountain Walking Club goes out at the Every Mon, Tues, Thurs 5.30-7pm ‘Great
brought back from Finland by Sally Edie weekends, I will join them having bor- Juggage’ in the form a 4 Pinter for £6. Each per-
at UniSport. Having seen a few posters rowed a pair of poles! (mail mountain- son imbibing during this period will be entered into
around, and spoken to Sally about the walking@surrey.ac.uk for more info). a raffle to be drawn at 7pm. Prizes include beer
fact that it uses up MORE CALORIES If you want to know more, contact Sally and food vouchers.
than normal walking, I thought it was at UniSport. You can join in the fun on
about time I had a go. Dragging a friend Tuesday lunchtimes at 1.05pm outside Elite Sports Programme
along with me, I met Sally on Wednesday Senate House, or on Wednesday Congratulations to Peter Holden for representing
lunchtime lunchtimes at the same time in UniSport. England and winning in the European Long Range
when she took us through the history of Come along, be inspired! Shooting Team Championships held recently at
the sport, the benefits and how fun it was Bisley. Peter, 1st Yr Mech Eng, came 5th of the 12
- Sally is very enthusiastic! After a short Madeleine M English shooters. Other nations competing were
warm-up, we figured out how to hold the Germany, Channel Isles, Wales, Scotland, and
Ireland.

Come Hell or Very High Water Challenge UniSport


If you can get a group together to challenge the
guys and girls at any sport you wish then contact
John Perrin, j.perrin@surrey.ac.uk (p.s. go easy as
WOMEN’S WATERPOLO Nathalie, Jen, Jo and Hannah, who Raffaella, Susie and myself being the some of us are getting on - still there is no substi-
all showed great potential for future only exclusions of the game - what can I tute for experience!). Only criteria, being that it has
10 - 4 WIN! success. say - we don’t know our own strength!! to be played at the UniSport facilities.
As ever our goals came thick and fast So, a great start to the season which
Against all the odds (well, torrential with 3 each from Barbara, Susie and we are sure to continue. Watch this Retail
rain, wind and flooded roads) and a Heather, and a bonus goal from our cap- space for photos and more reviews, and Currently on offer in the sport centre shop UniS
lengthy journey, the Women’s tain Raffaella. Southampton tried to keep your fingers crossed for our BUSA printed Ts were £6.99 now £5, UniS printed
Waterpolo team won in the first retaliate and made a good attempt in the tournament on the 19th November. Sweatshirts were £17.99 now £12. Also check out
game of the season on Sunday third quarter, but were kept at bay by Many thanks to our coach Nick and driv- the SALE RAIL. Varsity Centre shop is offering dis-
night. Despite the poor weather we Maddy and Rachel, with Tennille block- er Roger for their support. counts on various footwear styles including astro,
had a good turnout with a mixture of ing them in goal. We were quite well soccer, squash and tennis.
new and experienced players. The behaved (by our standards!) with by Sarah Bowen.
game was a debut for players
Volleyball Workshop
The Thursday evening beginners session has now
finished. All those who attended are welcome to
come to the club sessions at 7.30 (women) and
8.30 (men). Thank you to Vibeke and Heidi for tak-
ing the sessions.

Body Max
New courses will start on Monday 13th November
at 7pm and on Thursday 16th November at 12pm
and 1pm. Please register at sport centre reception
for these five week courses of fitness training with
light weights, steps and dynobands.

Pilates
A reminder that the 2nd 5 week Pilates course will
start on Tuesday 14th November at 12pm and 1pm
for all those who have signed up.

Check out the staff profiles on our web site


www.unisport.co.uk
SURREY PRIDE
M OUNTAIN WALKING F OOTBALL D ELIGHT
This weekend the Mountain University ‘A’ 4 Wilson had a chance to increase
Walking Club was fairly busy. the lead, but shot wide. After he
On Friday night we met up in Pirbright 0 got an attempt on target the keep-
Chancellors to have a few er saved it, but Jason Doyle
drinks before going to watch After a fairly promising start to pounced to punish the sloppy
the University fireworks. Pete the league the team knew this defence. 3-0 at half time and
didn’t need much persuasion was a stern test of their Pirbright held an inquest.
to break his abstinence ban - resolve. Pirbright were the The second half Pirbright came
apparently he’d given up alco- unbeaten leaders of the back at us but the centre backs of
hol for the month of league, and had crushed the Darrell (+ sideboards) and Paul
November...2 days later... Now university 2n d team in the cup Trewin held strong. With the full-
it’s been changed to, he’ll only last week! Despite this the backs looking accomplished in
drink in moderation, for the team got off to a flying start defence and attack, the University
month of November! Sorry with Sam Musk & Simon began to cruise. This was worth-
Pete, I know you thought your Wilson causing havoc down while as Darrell decided not to try
friends would never find out the wings. After 20 minutes to kick the ball to Tescos and
about Friday! the breakthrough came. decided to pass the ball, which
The Mountain Walking team take a wellearned rest Although the University were
On Saturday morning, with Mike Fat Scouse chased and was 1 on
suffering a slight hangover, we set Maddie arrived proudly displaying to have Elaine with us, a third year playing ‘champagne football’ 1 with the keeper. This led to one
off on our walk around Shalford. a pair of Fitness poles, used for nurse who has been promising to the 1 st goal came from a mas- of the funniest moments of the
Nordic-style Pole-walking, much join us for over 2 years now! sive kick by the ‘pretty boy’ year. Despite having cramp he
to everyone’s amusement. She Thanks to all who came, it was ‘keeper Cushway (sporting a carried on forward and beat the
had some difficulty around the good to see that we haven’t man- new Beckham style haircut) keeper, and then fell in a heap, to
high street but once the paths aged to put anyone off yet, as and Fat Scouse chased the be wheeled off to the hospital.
became less crowded it became Jose, Helen, Rob and Heidi all through ball and slotted it The University ‘A’ are back while
much easier. Evan seemed scared came back for more! passed the Pirbright ‘keeper. the second team curl up in a ball
that If anyone is interested in joining The physical side of the game and cry to their mothers!
she was carrying something that us, but can’t make it to the meet- came out and the duo of Kev
could apparently be classed as a ings on Tuesday lunchtimes 1pm Warren and Jason Doyle held us Andy Berry
lethal weapon, for some reason? in the Teaching Block foyer, please strong in the middle.
We were very lucky with the e-mail us at The second goal came
weather as it stayed warm and mountainwalking@surrey.ac.uk. 5 minutes after the first
bright all day. I am not sure if we There will be another short walk and it was Captain
ever made it to Shalford as Mike this Sunday, if you wish to come Courageous who got
seemed to have some difficulty please meet outside the Union by it. Fat Scouse chased
with the mapreading, even with the cashpoint at 9.30am. Anyone a lost cause and
Decision Time Eleanor’s help. We were pleased welcome! whipped the ball into
the danger area. The
Welsh Wizard reacted
first to skin his man
FANTASTIC F ENCING F EATS and beat the ‘keeper at
his near post.
Simon ‘spooner’ The Footie team as they were
The last few weeks have been attempts at persuasion they tition and considering the calibre
pretty hectic for both the fencing refused to open. Unfortunately of their opponents, we all think
teams. On Wednesday of week neither of our teams managed to they did rather well! The men’s
seven we had our first match, the win this match, although the men team also had an away match
women can lay claim to a home put up a good fight, especially in against Essex, which they won by
victory against Queen Mary’s and sabre! The day was rounded off by a large margin – Well done lads!
Westfield (QMW) but unfortunately a slightly surreal experience in The general consensus is that
the men did not do quite so well Sainsbury’s car park! everyone who took part enjoyed
against University College London Then last week was our second themselves and everyone fenced
(UCL). away match. The girls headed off well.
In week eight we all headed off King’s College, London, against Since the BUSA divisions have
to Imperial College, London in a whom we did not really stand been changed, the fencing teams
minibus (driven by our fantastic much chance. They were the team have discovered that, at least in
and ever patient chairman – yep who beat the team who beat us our opinion, we would probably
that would be Daniel!). We had an the week before. (Any questions?) have done better if they had
interesting time and got some very It was our hardest match yet, stayed the same. I think both
strange looks as we all trooped against some girls who actually teams have now fought their hard-
across London in our fencing have national standards. National est matches, with the expected
whites! We had actually been dou- standing versus our little team, results, but we will all have the
ble-booked with a graduation tea made up of one epéeist, two chance to redeem ourselves when
in the sports hall, so we had to foilists and two beginners. (You we play them in the second round.
change venues half way through need three members for each Our next fixtures take place on
the match and ended up fencing in team). It was both Claire’s and Wednesday 8 th November
the bar, which despite our Becky’s first real fight in a compe- between 2:00pm and 4:00pm in
the UniSport Hall. The women are
playing Reading and the men take
on Royal Holloway.
Finally a huge thank you to all
our supporters and to Richard,
Justin, Daniel and Steve for the
coaching and advice they give us.
Also get well soon wishes to Emily
and Dave, hope they will be back
with us soon!

By Claire Hathway and Rebecca


Lambert
Edited by Stella Webb
One way to score a point

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