Enthusiastic Consent

So, what is enthusiastic

consent?
enthusiastic consent: noun, verb
en·thu·si·as·tic con·sent \ in-ˌthü-zē-ˈa-stik \ kən-ˈsent \
1. An ongoing conversation between participants about what
they each want, and what will make each of them happy
2. A mutual agreement to be fully present with one another
throughout all interactions, to prioritize both yourself and your
partners’ needs, and to understand that someone may choose to
disengage from the experience at any time
3. Knowing and feeling—without a doubt—that the other person is excited
to engage with you in whatever activities you agree upon, regardless of
whether the experience is amazing or mediocre
 Yes! with an exclamation
mark at the end
Fuck yeah

Yes please!
YASSSSS

Let’s do it! Oh my god

yes

Oh yes! Of course! Definitely!

 Responses that should be taken
as a no or solicit a check in
Uhhhhh
Um sure I’m not sure

I guess I don’t know

Fine

Not right now Maybe later

Yeah ok
 Barriers to being able to say
no or voice discomfort
• Not wanting to disappoint someone
• Not wanting to offend them or hurt their feelings
• Fear of being rejected
• Assuming that your no won’t be heard
• Not being given a chance to say no, an assumed yes
• Gender socialization
• Power dynamics - maybe the person asking you to do
something is your boss or a parent or someone you look up to
• Impaired judgement (substance use, being really tired)
• Shame
• History of trauma or abuse
• Fear of violence or retaliation
• Putting someone else’s experience above your own
 Body language cues
• Freezing
• Stiffness
• Looking away, not making eye contact
• Silence
• Pulling back
• Pushing you away
• Closed body language - crossed arms, etc
• Shrugging
• Tense face
 Ways to say no
and close the door
• No

• No, thank you

• No, and I’m so flattered you asked

• No, but thank you so much for asking

• That’s not going to work for me

• I don’t have the capacity for that right now

• I’m not available for anything like that right now

Ways to say no and redirect

• I’m a no to that, but I’m a yes to you

• How about we … instead?

• No, unless … (or Yes, if … )

• No, but I’d love to…

 Graceful ways to hear a no
• Thank you

• Thanks, have a great night! / Thanks, have fun! / Thanks, enjoy!

• No prob! / No worries!

• Awesome, thanks for letting me know

• Thank you for taking care of yourself

• Thank you for the information

• I’m not hearing a clear/enthusiastic yes, so I’m going to take

that as a no
 Ways to check in
• How are you doing?

• Is this good for you?

• How’s this working for you?

• How is this feeling?

• Do you want more or less of this?

• Are you enjoying this?

• Do you like it like this or like that?

• Do you want me to change anything?

 Ways to ask for a pause,
change, or check in
• Hey can we check in?

• Can we pause for a sec?

• I’m noticing I’m feeling uncomfortable right now. Can we …

• This isn’t quite working for me anymore. Can we make a

shift?

• I’m feeling really stuck in my head

• Can we slow down?

• Can we take a break?

 Ways to debrief
• How was that for you?

• Did you like it when we … ?

• Can I give you some feedback?

• I really loved … I bet it would feel even better with …

• What would you want more/less of next time?

• Would you want to try … next time?

 Sexy ways to ask for
consent
• What are you in the mood • Do you want sexy
for? snuggles or sleepy
snuggles?
• How do you like to be
touched? • I really want to . . . How
do you feel about that?
• What would feel good to
you right now? • Would you like it if I . . . ?
• What have you been • Can I . . . ?
fantasizing about lately?
• Do you want me to . . . ?
• Is there anything you want
to try? • Will you . . . ?
 How can we practice better
consent in everyday life?
• Always ask before touching anyone

• Ask: “Would you like a hug?”

• Try to get someone’s attention verbally instead of tapping

them on the shoulder or nudging them out of the way

• Respect people’s no’s, and accept a no the first time you

hear it instead of pushing until you get a yes

• Be more aware of people’s non-verbal cues

• Work on tuning into your own signals and cues

Get in touch and learn more!
Ask me anything:

• facebook.com/stephaniefrankle

• sfrankle22@gmail.com

Recommended resources (all of which helped inform this

presentation):

• Dr. Aly Ash at TurnON.love - highly recommend her workshops!

• Marcia Baczynski at askingforwhatyouwant.com

• Kate at organhouse.org

• Ask: Building Consent Culture, an anthology edited by Kitty Stryker