IT’S A BEAUTIFUL LIFE

It was a dark and cold night. The slow rhythm of the rain tiptapping on the window did nothing to
calm her racing heart. She could felt it – the adrenaline rush, the uncomfortable feeling in the pit
of her stomach, the trembles – she could felt it all. There was not a single light in her room, she
was surrounded by darkness. Except for the glistening thick red liquid flowing from her wrist,
dripping onto the floor, one droplet at a time. She sighed, and rested her head on the couch.
Tonight, she did it again. She cut herself again.

What does it means to be happy?

*******************************************************************************

“I am really sorry miss, but the only room available tonight is in a mixed dorm.”

I cursed slowly under my breath. Luck has never been a friend of mine, and it seemed that luck has
not made an exception for today as well. My brain felt fuzzy, I could not think of another solution.
After all, it was my mistake of not rechecking the booking dates.

Syak, you hopeless girl! I told you this was a stupid idea, and you blindly followed your guts. You
are a fool, traveling alone without telling anybody. Now pay for the price yourself!

“Are you okay with that, miss?”

Startled by the front-desk guy’s voice, I squeaked a high-pitched yes. This is it, I thought, you are so
dead.

On my way to the dorm, I continuously prayed for a miracle to happen. It was just the first day of
my impromptu travel, and it could not get any worse.

Please God, oh please let there be girls in the dorm so I won’t be alone.

My heart was beating furiously when I finally arrived in front of the door. It was blue, the kind of
blue that painted the sky, and at the silver-plated room number glowed, as if it was mocking me.
Room 311, Mixed Dorm. Here we go.

The creaking sound of the door signaled the beginning of my despair. A group of boys looked at
my way, confusion on each of their faces. They scanned me up and down, from my messed up
headscarf to my shabby boots. I am the only fricking girl in this room.

The atmosphere of the dorm was really tense, almost as if you can slice the thick air with a knife. I
almost gagged out of nervousness, until a guy my age approached me.
“Hey, come in. We are not going to harm you, so don’t be afraid.” He motioned me to the only
empty bed there, and dragged my luggage with him, without my permission. He had straight, dark
black hair and warm hazelnut eyes, and he grinned at me innocently.

This is so not happening! I screamed internally. I was mentally hitting myself for being such an idiot,
all the while standing right in front of the door, not moving an inch. He watched me with the
utmost interest and chuckled a bit. How dare him!

“These guys are going out for a while; most probably they will not be back until tomorrow’s
morning. It is the New Year’s Eve after all. So just relax.” He assured me, and the rest of the boys
bid their farewell before making their way out of the dorm, leaving just me, and this over-friendly
guy.

I slowly made my way to the unoccupied bed, mumbling a small thanks to him. He pulled a chair
from the corner of the room, and dragged it right in front of me. And then he just sat there and
stared at me.

Please don’t start a conversation with me; I am not ready for any human interaction.

“Syakirah, right? Sorry, I saw your luggage tag. The name’s Jamie.”

Great, just great. I nodded, trying my best to avoid his eye contact by lowering my gaze. The
deafening silence was unbearable. Grabbing my luggage, I continued to ignore his advances of
making small talk. After all, I came here to run away from all that.

*******************************************************************************

You are fat and ugly!

I clenched my fist and gritted my teeth.

Why can’t you be confident, beautiful and perfect like everybody else?

Please, just stop.

People hate you. They are talking behind you because you are so useless.

I beg you, just go away.

You don’t have friends because you are just a stupid hideous girl.

Who the hell will ever like you?

Eww, you are so disgusting!

The voices kept on getting louder and louder, and I couldn’t really do anything to stop it. These
voices, they haunted me throughout the day and night, feeding on my self-esteem and crippled
me to the point of no return.

Maybe death would be better. I mean, no one will ever miss me anyway.

I stopped myself there and then.

Syak, don’t you ever dare to think like that again.

Everyone is unique in their own ways, and it is the same for you as well.

That was the angelic voice of mine, the positive one. The one which always supported me in my
lowest, gave me hope despite all of the circumstances, the light in this overwhelming darkness.

You matter; there are people who care about you.

Be strong, Syakirah!

I scoffed. Actually, it was not me, but the demonic voice instead.

Please, those people never really did care.

They messaged you words of support because they are annoyed with your constant moping on
social media.

They must think that you are so desperate for attention.

You are just a temporary subject of interest; someday they will all leave you anyway.

She is somehow correct. How anybody could love me when I am so despicable like this?

Baby, don’t listen to that. You are lovely and a bright one as well.

Remember that time when KJ asked you to be one of the politicians when you graduated?

Everybody was applauding and proud of you.

Keep fooling yourself, girl. They were laughing at you, not with you.

You were an embarrassment for yourself and your family.

You made a fool out of yourself, they were actually appalled at how obnoxious you can get.

You spouted nonsense, and you even dared to joke with a minister?
 For everyone’s sake, you should just disappear from the Earth.

*******************************************************************************

“Syakirah?” a husky deep voice woke me up from my sleep. I jolted and quickly jumped out of the
bed.

Where am I? It’s just 2am! Did I fell asleep? Where are my glasses? Help, I cannot see!

I panicked, my eyesight was really terrible and my glasses were my lifeline to this world. Without
them, I would be helpless and blind.

“Whoa, just calm down! Let me help you there.”

Suddenly my world was blurry no more. And there it was, Jamie’s face, as clear as day. I could felt
my cheek becoming red.

Syak, no crushing on strangers please.

I cleared my throat and fixed my headscarf. Yes, I did sleep with my headscarf on.

“Can you please not do that? I don’t like boys.”

Jamie’s face slowly changed, to a state of complete bafflement.

Syak! What the hell did you just say? Now he’s going to think that all Muslim girls are rude and it’s
going to be my fault if he hated Islam because of me!

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know you err… swing that way.” Jamie fidgeted with his clothes, evading my
gaze.

Huh? HUH?

I blurted out laughing.

“Mr Jamie, I did not mean it like that! What I meant was, ugh… umm, whatever just don’t do that
again okay!”

His face lightened up, flashing me a bright smile.

“Thank God you laughed. Yesterday you almost seemed like you might swallow everyone.” he
giggled.

“You were mumbling in your sleep and I tried to wake you up as it looked like you had a nightmare.
Are you okay? I’m here if you want to talk.”
Hearing that, I promptly pulled my hands and hid them behind my back. I tried to show a stoic,
expressionless face, but I miserably failed.

Jamie hesitated. He was obviously arranging his words carefully in his mind.

“Look, I am really sorry if this is personal, but I can’t help but notice the cuts on your wrist. I am
more than willing to hear you out, okay?”

Silence.

Maybe you should. He seems nice enough.

Stop lying to yourself, he is a complete stranger. He will only judge you, and tell everyone that
Muslim women are oppressed and depressed.

These two contrasting voices keep on fighting in my head. I was dumbfounded. My mind was
numb and hollow.

“It’s okay. I will not force you to say anything if you don’t want to. In return, could you listen to
my story instead?”

********************************************************************************

“Jamie, I’ll see you tonight for dinner, okay!” Joanna exclaimed excitedly from a far distance.

Jamie waved Joanna, his little sister, goodbye before driving off in his Toyota Prius. He had to do
some shopping today. After all, the following week will be Christmas. His family was just a small
one, his mum, Jamie and Joanna. Their dad left them without a trace, but Jamie never really liked
that alcoholic man anyway.

He parked his car in front of Argos, and proceeded to the counter. He had booked the gift for
Joanna online the day before. Being the annoying little sister, Joanna had been pestering him to
buy a Nintendo 3DS for Christmas. She was currently obsessed with Persona 4, a game from the
Shin Megami Tensei series for PS2, and had been desperate for the spin-off game Persona Q,
which had both characters from Persona 3 and 4.

She is very lucky indeed to have an angelic brother like me, Jamie chuckled.

But then, everything went wrong.

********************************************************************************

My throat was dry, and my voice croaked.

“What happened?”
Jamie ruffled his hair and sighed.

“We found her overdosed on Xanax. We were too late. We did not even notice that Joanna was
battling with depression since dad left; she thought that the divorce happened because of her. I
had no idea where Joanna got those drugs, and mum was too heartbroken to bother.”

He paused, and took a deep breath. He rubbed his wrist gently.

“Syakirah, I had suicidal thoughts as well. After Joanna’s death, I left college; I left my mum alone,
because I was not strong enough to accept the reality. I kept on blaming myself, if only I noticed
the signs earlier. If only I had paid more attention to my dear sister, then she will still be here
today.

I am thankful that I found God along the way. I realized that it is useless to keep blaming yourself,
when in fact all of these things happened because God allows it to. We are just fragile human
beings, and sometimes we forgot that God is always near. He is the best listener, and the Most
Merciful of all.

I might did not have the chance to save Joanna, but I hope that at least I can help you in your
journey out of the maze. Don’t be too harsh on yourself. No one is perfect and it is okay to make
mistakes. Sometimes, forgiving yourself and letting it go might be just the secret to happiness.”

I was speechless. Tears started forming at the brim of my eyes.

Maybe this journey will not be waste at all.

Maybe this will just be the beginning.

Verily in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest [13:28]