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to ensure that there are only small differences between the richest and the
poorest members. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
It is suggested that bridging the gap between rich and poor is the best way to promote
a happier society. I agree with this statement to some extent, but I also think there are
other factors that need to be considered. Commented [AB1]: Excellent introduction.
It is true that narrowing the gap between rich and poor can lead to some desirable
outcomes. Firstly, children from original financially disadvantaged families would be Commented [AB2]: ‘originally financially disadvantaged’ – you
need +ly on ‘original’ to make it a second adjective (although it
able to choose better quality schools and enter the prestigious universities later on looks like an adverb’.
Commented [AB3]: ‘the prestigious universities’ –no ‘the’ with
because the expensive school fees would no longer be hindrance for them to access a plural nouns.
Commented [AB4]: More formal here would be
better education. Another positive result may lie in the fact that poor people would be ‘subsequently’.
able to afford their medical bills and get better medical treatments. In this way, they Commented [AB5]: ‘the expensive school fees’ – I would avoid
using ‘the’ with plural nouns.
can expect to live a longer and healthier life so as to develop our society in a desirable Commented [AB6]: ‘a hindrance’ – it is countable; therefore ‘a
hindrance’.
way.
Commented [AB7]: ‘receive’ collocates better with
‘education’
http://oxforddictionary.so8848.com/search1?word=education
On the other hand, I consider that developing a happier society should also base on
the spiritual level, such as helping others and actualizing their value. When parents Commented [AB8]: ‘medical treatments’ – this noun is usually
uncountable.
bring their children to take part in voluntary work in their communities, their children Commented [AB9]: If you use ‘would’ in the previous
sentences, I would use ‘could’ here to suggest possibility. ‘Can’ is
are actually granted a chance to adopt appropriate attitudes towards helping others as more definite but does not follow the sense of ‘would’ which in
the rest of the paragraph.
well as shape a good sense of responsibility. As for elderly people, furthermore, they Commented [AB10]: ‘be based on’ - it is more common in the
passive. It is possible in the active in the following way –
can lead a socially meaningful life while actualizing their value. One example of this
‘I base the decision on fact’
is that they can do part-time work as mentors or voluntary work in different Commented [AB11]: This is a little unclear and does not
collocate with ‘attitude’ - you could try ‘favourable, friendly,
organizations to pass on useful information and skills to younger employees. positive, responsible, right, sympathetic’
http://oxforddictionary.so8848.com/search1?word=attitude
Commented [AB12]: An unusual verb to collocate with ‘sense
In conclusion, I do believe that shaping a happier society needs to consider from both of’ – ‘feel, have, sharpen’ all collocate here.
materialistic and spiritual levels. Commented [AB13]: A very long sentence. I feel that it can be
said in a shorter, more concise way –
Score – 7.5 – a good piece of writing with great ideas and structure to the
paragraphs.