Children who live with a single parent are 'no less happy than those who live

with mum and dad'

By Simon Tomlinson

Children who live with a single parent are just as happy as those living with a mother and father,
new research has found.

A study of more than 12,000 seven-year-olds found that the quality of the relationship was more
important than the composition of the family. The results will question the widely held belief that
it is better for parents to stay together 'for the sake of the children' than breaking up.
Researchers from the NatCen research institute asked children from three groups - those living
with their two biological parents, those with a step-parent and biological parent, and those in a
single-parent family - how often they feel happy.

In each category, 36 per cent of children said they were happy 'all the time', while the remaining
64 per cent replied 'sometimes or never'. Shouty parents, arguing with siblings and being bullied
at school were found to have the biggest effect on happiness. The research is due to be
presented at the British Sociological Association's annual conference in Leeds. Jenny
Chanfreau, a senior researcher from NatCen, a London-based social research institute, said:
'The family relationship is more important than the type of family.

'Staying together for the children but fighting all the time and shouting at the children, not having
fun together, not sitting down to eat dinner is not going to be good for a child's happiness. 'We
found that the family type had no significant effect on the happiness of the seven-year-olds or
the 11 to 15-year-olds.'It's the quality of the relationships in the home that matters - not the
family composition.'

She added: 'Pupil relations at school are also important- being bullied at school or being
'horrible' to others was strongly associated with lower happiness in the seven-year-olds, for
instance.'I think it's more about the dynamics of what goes on inside the household and whether
there's stability in every day life.'If they feel secure in the home it doesn't mean so much
whether there's one parent or more.'

Larissa Pople, senior researcher at charity The Children's Society, agreed that being in a loving
home was far more important than the number of parents in it.She told MailOnline: 'Family is
massively important to children’s happiness.'But it is quality of relationships that are much,
much more important than the structure of the family. 'Of course single parents face challenges,
for example when it comes to finding flexible work and affordable childcare. 'But for children’s
happiness, being in a loving home and protected from conflict is much more important than
living with one parent or two.'

Motherhood is not only the proverbial hardest job you'll ever love, as the slogan goes – it is also
the hardest job you'll ever do. I love my daughter more than I ever thought possible and am
lucky to have a kind, healthy child, but the reality is that motherhood is tough, especially when
you are on your own.

It is, of course, kisses and hugs, laughter and sweet pronouncements. It is tiny feet, little shoes,
and a small sticky hand in yours. It is scrawly coloured pencil drawings, funny questions, tousled
hair and the loveliness of a sleeping toddler. It is the soft-focus haze of Mothercare posters, the
bright baby smiles on nappy adverts, the declaration, "Mummy, I love you." It is the beauty and
wonder of children's fascination with nature and all living creatures. It is all that and more.

But it is also having your kid scream in your face in the supermarket for 20 minutes when you
won't buy them an ice cream. It is having them announce that they "only want to walk
backwards" or demanding you carry them, when you're in a hurry to get to work. It is reading the
same story 873 times, and enduring a tantrum when you have the temerity to finish your child's
sentence. It is having them tell strangers, "My mummy has a hairy bum."

It is spending two hours making a meal for them, only for them to decide it is "disgusting!"
before tasting it and declining a single mouthful. It is the announcement, "Mummy, I've done a
poo on the sofa." It is the refusal to get dressed when you're in a rush, to brush their teeth, to
use crayons on paper only, and not on the floor and furniture. It is not being able to work when
they're around because the child grabs the computer and demands to watch 24 episodes of
Peppa Pig. It is having your flat decorated with banana, your wallpaper adorned with mashed
avocado.

It is loving them so much that you feel constant fear: fear that they are going to run out into the
road or fall out of a window, fear that you're not a good enough mother, fear that Philip Larkin
was right. It is worry when they're ill, sorrow when they're unhappy, and protective fury when
another bigger kid knocks them over in the playground. It is regret when other mothers say they
breastfed for longer, envy when other mothers' babies slept through the night from six weeks,
and – for me – sadness when you can't see your child half the time because you have 50:50
shared residency.

It is hard for all mothers, even those who desperately wanted children, but especially hard for
single mothers on low incomes. We can't afford childcare, can't take a sick day, can't take a rest
unless our child falls asleep. There is no one to share the enchanting moments and tantrums
with, no one to read a book to our child while we have a bath, no one to reassure us that we're
doing just fine.

I have heard exhausted mothers say, "I knew it was going to be hard, but I didn't know it was
going to be like this!" Because nobody talks about how difficult it is. Perhaps they feel it would
be disloyal to their children or think, as I also do, that the blessing of a child outweighs the tough
stuff. Maybe they feel that they shouldn't lament their child's behaviour because, in their eyes, it
would be tantamount to regretting that their child exists. Perhaps they are just gritting their teeth
and getting on with it.

But if we don't talk about the reality of motherhood, especially single motherhood, then women
can't make informed decisions about whether to have children or not. If we don't make it known
that most happiness studies say that mothers are no happier than childless women –
sometimes quite the reverse – then women without children will always unnecessarily feel
bereft.

So here's the truth: it is relentless, worrying, emotionally-draining work. It is like a grey day with
intermittent bursts of sunshine, and these occasional breaks in the cloud are what we mothers
try to focus on.

To quote my own mother: "I think I'd have been just as happy if I hadn't had children, but I would
have felt I'd missed out because I didn't realise what having children was like."

When she said it, I was childless, and slightly affronted. Now I understand what she meant. Of
course, I'm glad for my own sake that she did have children, but sorry to have been the source
of so much worry, pain and heartache. No wonder Larkin wrote, "Get out as quickly as you
can/And don't have any kids yourself."