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Sophia Burke

Professor M. Walton

ENGL 1010-403

16 January 2018

Grief

Grief takes many forms, but is stereotypically shown in linear stages of reactions ranging

from denial to acceptance. Death is inevitable because it is a natural fact of life, therefore grief is

only just as natural. However, emotions are more complicated than just a foretold string of

feelings following the next until grieving is over. Grief is forever, and no one person grieves the

same.

Grief, as defined by the Merriam-Webster dictionary, is “deep sadness caused by

someone's death,” (Grief). This definition is specific to sadness after a death, although grief can

include so much more than that. I like to define grief as, “A person’s reaction to loss.” Loss itself

does not need to be death, but often does include it. Wherever there is love, there is grief. Our

life is continuously changing, and with that change, comes an end to something familiar. A life

without grief is ultimately unthinkable.

When one experiences a loss, they can react in a variety of ways. Stereotypically, grief is

categorized to be expressed in five stages, supposedly consecutive right after the other. The

stages go in order from denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and lastly acceptance (Ross and

Kessler). There is an image drawn that these stages are completed in achievements, as if when

you’re done with one stage then you’ve graduated onto the next. Unfortunately, grief is not so

simple. These stages are not in fact stages, they are examples of the types of reactions one may

experience during their grieving period. These reactions often do not occur in order, nor for a
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specific time-period. Some people may even experience emotions not listed here, such as

gratitude or impatience. “When people buy into the idea that there’s only one healthy way to

grieve, then it’s easy for them to attack themselves when they naturally find that they're doing it

differently,” (Feldman). There is no wrong way to grieve.

Grief can come in many forms, such as relationships, expectations, freedom, or

possession. There are people who grieve a relationship which was once a deep, integrated part of

their life, or people can grieve an expectation, such as a father figure not coming through on a

promise. Freedom can also be grieved in that someone does not have the same liberties as they

once did, and possessions can be grieved if they have important sentimental value. All of these

examples of grief are equally just as valid, and no grieving experience is something to be

ashamed about.

“Some losses are more predictable than others,” (Hugstad). For example, you might have

anticipated the end of your career for years, to the point that you’ve already planned the

retirement party, or you could walk into work one day to find out you’ve been laid off. People

tend to react differently to predictable and unpredictable losses. For some, grieving the loss in

advance can help ease the pain, such as a loved one being diagnosed with cancer rather than

being caught up in a sudden school shooting. For others, the anxiety of a known loss simply adds

to the stress and trauma of the event itself, or in rare cases, one will react the same whether it’s

foreseen or sudden because it’s difficult to predict reactions until they’re a real and present part

of life.

For Allison Russell, who is grieving a relationship, she describes her experience as,

“grieving the loss of a person who is still alive but can no longer hold a place in my life,”

(Russell). She then goes on to describe her personal stages of grief, which are listed to be
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sadness, anger, salvage, freedom, and lastly gratitude. She started off her grieving experience

depressed, as she had no idea what to do without her significant other gone from her life. Then

she transitioned into anger and she noticed him moving on, and she was salvaging for some kind

of reassurance that nothing was wrong with her. However, once she was able to move past the

hurt, she finally found freedom in how she was not tied down to this partner anymore. She had

the ability to do whatever she wanted, without asking for permission. Lastly, she saw her new

freedom and was grateful their relationship ended.

In my own personal experience, when I was 16 years old, my mother unsuspectedly

committed suicide. No one on the planet could guess the depth of devastation inside me. When I

first heard the news, I had no idea what it meant. I kept trying to call her to ask her if it was true,

but as the calls ran to voicemail, my sense of reality kicked in. She was gone. I have experienced

and am continuing to experience my stages as denial, depression, irritation, and isolation. I am

still caught between the four, yet will sometimes briefly achieve acceptance. This acceptance is

not set in stone, and usually is gone quickly.

In conclusion, grief is not just sadness after a death, nor does it only last for a specific set

time. Every single person grieves differently, for different reasons, and all those experiences are

just as valid as the other. Grief is not supposed to be experienced in the conventional five stages,

consecutive one after the other, but it can be experienced that way if one has that experience. The

experience does not need to be after a death either, there are a variety of things a person can

grieve, such as a relationship or freedom.

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Works Cited

Feldman, David B. “Why the Five Stages of Grief Are Wrong.” Psychology Today, Sussex

Publishers, 7 July 2017. Web. Accessed 12 February 2018.

"Grief." Merriam-Webster Dictionary, n.d. Web. Accessed 12 February 2018.

Hugstad, Kristi. “Grieving Losses Other Than Death.” The Huffington Post, 27 July 2017. Web.

Accessed 16 February 2018.

Ross, Elisabeth Kubler and David Kessler. “The Five Stages of Grief.” Grief, n.d. Web.

Accessed 9 February 2018.

Russell, Allison. “Grieving the Loss of Someone Who Is Still Alive.” Thought Catalog, 2 August

2017. Web. Accessed 14 February 2018.