Self is Heavy, by Buddhadasa Bhikkhu

If we understand our problems, clearly and completely, then we shall be able to do something
about them. We need to give adequate attention to them, therefore.
If we look carefully we shall see that there are two kinds of life — there is pure life, the essential
part of life, and there is a kind of life which has something extra, something added. This addition
is the burden. We need to understand this carefully and see that there are two kinds because
most of us blur the two together and confuse them. When we talk about the pure life, life that has
nothing extra added, we are talking about nama and rupa, or mind and body. Pure life is just mind
and body; that is all there is. But the life that is a burden for itself has something added; a third
element is added to mind and body. In Pali this is called the ‘atta’. In English we might call it ‘the
self’. When we take the pure life of mind and body, and add a self to it, then there is this self
which can suffer. This is the extra something that has been added.

Adding self — some people call it ‘spirit’, or ‘soul’, this idea that there is some eternal substance
that makes you ‘you’, that makes you into some special individual, some separate personality —
is what makes life such a burden. So, if you are wise, you learn to distinguish between the pure
life of mind and body, nothing but mind and body, and the burdened, heavy life where you have
added this thing called ‘a self.

Often, when we say that there is no self, people get worried, or angry. Their attachment and
identification to this idea of a self is so strong that they actually become hostile towards us if we
begin to say there is no such thing. We need to explain this a bit, therefore, so that you don’t get
mad at us. The idea of a self is common to everyone. Whether we come from the East or the
West, we have some kind of idea and belief in a self, every one of us, absolutely; it is a
fundamental illusion that arises in all human minds. Indians, Thais, Chinese, everybody, is
walking around with this idea of a self, a soul, an atman, or whatever we want to call it.

We have to look at this and see if there really is such a thing. How does this idea of a self come
about? What happens to bring it about in children? A child may be walking along, for example,
and bumps into a chair. It hurts its leg and becomes angry. The child then kicks the chair, maybe
really hard. The chair has turned into a little soul for the child; the chair has been identified as an
individual thing, and has been given a personality. And, since the chair aggressively attacked the
child, the child strikes back in anger. This is the result of not understanding the way things are.
The child is ignorant of the reality of the chair. A chair has no personality and so it is absolutely
ridiculous to get angry at it, or at any inanimate object. But because of ignorance, of not
understanding, the illusion of a self arises, not only towards the chair, but also towards the body
and mind — ‘I’ arises, ‘I’ who am different from that chair.

This is a fundamental illusion constantly being conditioned in the human mind, in the mind of all
sentient beings. And it is rooted in ignorance. This illusion, the idea of a self, is constantly arising
in the mind. This idea, or feeling, that there is a self, is real. The feeling itself really exists; we
experience it constantly. As you listen to me now [or are reading this now], you are probably
turning me into a soul, and you, the listener [or reader], into another soul. This idea is constantly
arising. This illusion is real, but there is no reality behind the illusion. The idea that there is a self,
occurs. But there is no self! It is just an illusion! And we are working with all these illusions,
imparting this ‘soulness’, this ‘individuality’, ‘personality’, to things all the time. We are constantly
doing this because of our lack of understanding. This ignorance genuinely arises, but what we
think exists, i.e. a self, does not. Because this fundamental illusion is so common in the minds of
sentient beings, it makes it very difficult for us to understand what is said when we talk about this
subject. So please don’t get angry, or frustrated, or nervous, or worried. Just try to understand
what is being said. Put your ‘soul’ aside for a moment and think things through clearly.

This idea, or illusion, of a self is something buried really deeply in the mind. It is stuck in there and
is very difficult to uproot. For two reasons— one is that it arises spontaneously, instinctually, as in
the case of the child who got angry with the chair, and the other is that it is supported, nurtured
and encouraged all our lives. As we learn to relate to the world around us as babies, we are
taught by our parents and brothers and sisters that this is ‘me’, this is ‘you’, this is ‘mine’, this is
‘ours’. We are taught to attach to things and to identify with them as ‘I’ and ‘mine’ and as separate
entities, right from the very beginning. On top of the instinctual tendency for this illusion, it is also
drilled into us by the people who love us the most. This idea, or feeling, of a self is, therefore, very
deep; it is really stuck in there with very strong glue. Now, some of you may think that what we
are talking about is crazy. You may be shaking your heads and thinking that these monks don’t
know what they’re talking about But we encourage you to listen very carefully because we are
going to tell you how it is possible to uproot this illusion of a self which is the cause of the burden
of life.

We are all afraid of letting go of this idea of a self. And when we talk about uprooting it, it sounds
as if we are saying you are to kill yourselves, to commit suicide. This shows how great your
confusion is, and therefore I encourage you to take a fresh look at this issue. Try to put aside all
the opinions, prejudices and ideas you have about a soul, a spirit, a self— all these concepts
about ‘I’ — the big I, the little I, the big self, the little self, whatever. Start again. Take a fresh look
at the self. Come at it as if you are brand new, with a clean, clear mind that is not clouded with all
the old conditioning. Look at the self freshly, and see what is really there. What is this self? Don’t
be nervous or afraid. And don’t judge everything that is being said. Approach this issue with a
brand new mind. Don’t think that what we are saying is that you have to kill yourself. If you
understand our words in that way, you are not listening. We are not suggesting you kill yourself,
or destroy your life. We are not saying that life must be done away with. What we are talking
about is freeing life of this illusion of self.

The self doesn’t even exist. That is why we say it is an illusion, a delusion, a misunderstanding.
And we want to free life of this, because this is the burden. This illusion is something extra; it
doesn’t exist. And so to kill this illusion, doesn’t damage life one bit. In fact, it frees life of all
unsatisfactoriness, all dukkha. This is the way to solve all our problems. This is the way to deal
with all our frustrations, pains, miseries, disappointments, sadnesses, worries and fears. Pure life
is just mind and body. There is no soul, no self. So what we are talking about is not killing
yourself, but freeing life of this burden, this illusion.

Now, how does the illusion of a self arise in the mind that has no self? The fetus in the mother’s
womb has no conception or ideas about a self. But then there is birth. And the child’s sense
organs begin to function. As these sense organs gather stimuli from the environment, the child
begins to interact with that environment. There is a taste experience as the child feeds from its
mother’s breast. The mouth tastes the milk and likes it. The milk is pleasing, satisfying, enticing,
and the mind of the infant is drawn towards that taste in a positive way. This is pleasant feeling,
pleasant vedana, that causes so much trouble. The infant is pleased with the milk, satisfied by it.
And then some kind of feeling begins to arise in the mind of the infant. It may not be an
intellectual idea, but there is the feeling of an ‘I’, the ‘I’ that is pleased, the ‘I’ that is satisfied, the
‘I’ that likes — ‘I’ like! ‘I’ am pleased! ‘I’ am satisfied! This ‘I’ arises in the infant. As this happens
over and over again with all sorts of different experiences, as this is nurtured and supported by
parents and others, this idea grows into the idea of a self. At first, this idea of an ‘I’ just arises and
passes away with different feelings, with the attachment to feelings, but as it happens over and
over again, it becomes an habitual way of relating to life. And so the ‘I’ is no longer something
temporary, but grows into what we call a view, a deep-seated bias and prejudice of the mind, that
is stubborn and narrow. The mind is completely absorbed into the view that there is a self. So, in
this way, the illusion arises. And this view is clung to so strongly that the mind does not challenge
it. The mind will not listen to reason, or observe the situation carefully, because it clings to this
view so tightly. This view solidifies more and more as the child grows into an adult, and there is
no way that truth can shine into the situation. So this is how the idea, the illusion of a self, arises
in the newborn’s mind. And this is how the self which does not exist, becomes a real thing in our
minds. There is no such thing as a self, but this view of a self becomes something real. And then
it’s a burden of life.

Now, once this ‘I’ arises, there immediately and automatically follows the sense of ‘mine’. First
comes the illusion of ‘I’, and then, once this is established, follows the illusion of ‘mine’. And from
the ‘mine’ comes the illusion of ‘myself’. There is the ‘I’, the sense of possessing, and then the
‘myself — the things that we possess, that we identify with and attach to, as ‘mine’. These three
things together we call upadana. Upadana is a Pali word which can be translated as ‘attachment’,
or ‘grasping’ and ‘clinging’. So, this attachment to ‘I’, leads to the attachment of ‘mine’ and of
‘myself’. And in this way all sorts of things become burdens to the mind. This is the problem of
life. We not only attach to pleasant things, of course, to the satisfying experiences, but also to
unpleasant things — ‘I’ hurt, ‘I’ am sick, ‘my’ pain, ‘my’ disease, ‘my’ death. And some of us get
so carried away with all this that we even start talking about ‘my’ world. We attach to the entire
world. We claim the whole thing to be ‘mine’. This is how this whole process gets really carried
away and how our pride and ego know no limits in this illusion and attachment to everything.
Take a look at all this. Look at it clearly without any prejudices and see if this isn’t what happens.

So now, what are you going to do about it? You need to learn how to discriminate between two
situations. You have to notice the difference between when the illusion of ‘self arises in the mind,
and when there is no such illusion. You need to be able to observe the mind very closely, with a
great hunger, to see this, to discriminate between these two conditions — the condition of the
mind burdened with this illusion, and the mind free of this illusion. These two conditions must be
discriminated. When you begin to see these two different conditions in the mind, you will see that
the illusion of ‘self is very heavy. And you will see that the absence of this illusion leaves the mind
very light.

Once you begin to discriminate between these two conditions, then you will be able to see how it
is that this illusion arises. It is always coming and going in the minds of sentient beings. You can
see and understand how this illusion arises, where the self comes from. You can see it. You don’t
have to believe me. You can see it for yourself. And once you understand where this illusion
comes from and how it arises, then you will know what to do. You will see what must be done in
order to pull out the root of this illusion. You have to really want to see this, because it is subtle
and if you don’t look carefully you will miss it, as you have been missing it all your life.