The 7 Habits

of a
Highly-Fulfilling
Marriage
By Matthew and Lisa Jacobson

www.MatthewLJacobson.com

www.Club31Women.com
All Scripture is taken from the KJV Bible.

Copyright © 2014 by Matthew L. Jacobson

and Lisa Jacobson

Cover design by Triumph Assistants

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

No part of this book may be reproduced in
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recording, or otherwise—without written
permission from the authors.

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the web:
Blog: MatthewLJacobson.com
Facebook: MatthewLJacobson
Twitter: @MLJacobson

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Facebook: Club31Women
Twitter: @LisaClub31Women
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Instagram: instagram.com/club31women

If you enjoy this book, please consider

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 Introduction
An Uncommon Love

The conversation wasn’t intended for my

ears and I knew it.

But somehow I couldn’t seem to help myself.

I so desperately wanted to hear what he was
going to say next.

My husband was on the phone with a

longtime friend from Canada whom he
hadn’t spoken with since well before our
wedding. They were talking about our
marriage.

About me, to be precise.

You can understand then why I’d be

incredibly anxious to hear what he would
say. So quietly - and maybe wrongly - I
stood by the door and listened while my
husband confided in his friend.

And that’s when I heard this….

“My wife and I are blessed with an

uncommon love,” he was explaining. He
probably said more, but I never heard
anything further. My heart was too busy
soaring.

An uncommon love.

Not merely love, but in his eyes we were

enjoying an uncommonly beautiful love.

How Did We End Up With an

Uncommon Love?
Now at about this point, you might be
wondering what kind of woman I must be. Is
there something special about me? Am I any
different than you?

I bet she’s one of those easy-going,

servant-hearted sweethearts.

I wish. But I’m afraid not.

Oh, then it’s him. He must be the most

incredible, most lovable man.

He is. But that doesn’t mean you’d want to

be married to him.

Well then, I guess you two were simply made

for each other.
And so we are.

But do you want to know what a pastor of a

large church was overheard pronouncing on
our wedding day?

“Those two will undoubtedly wake up

hating each other.”

Not exactly the prediction you want to hear

as you’re starting out your life together, is
it?

You see, we are made of the stuff that leads

two people to hating – not to loving.

Then how did we end up with an uncommon

love?

Amazingly enough, the Lord has taken this

feisty, self-willed thing, matched her up with
that intense, determined, visionary man and
somehow made love out of it.

So how do two people – destined for hate

– learn to love?

Exactly the question I asked myself.

And quite possibly the question you’re

asking yourself as well.

So what are they going to offer, “Seven easy

steps to an uncommon love?”

Yes.

And, no.

I mean, sure, there are steps a spouse can

take – although there aren’t exactly seven of
them and some of them are easier than
others.

But isn’t marriage like that – a journey made

up of a bunch of small steps and tiny
moments? It’s certainly not like in the
movies where love is portrayed as one
dramatic and wild event. As something that
either “works” or “doesn’t work”.

No, marriage is more like a long, slow walk

together. One step at a time. Sometimes we
step backwards and lose a little bit of ground.
At other times we find we’re making great
strides. In any case, our Lord intended for us
to walk it together and to walk in love.
What Wonderful Things Christ Can
Do In Your Marriage
He can take something ugly and turn it
into something beautiful.

I know because I’ve watched Him do it right

before my very eyes. For instance, he’s
taken these two potential “haters” and turned
them into lifelong lovers.

He can take something sorrowful, and

turn it into joy.

Most couples walk through grief at some

time or another. A season when sadness
threatens to overtake all known happiness,
yet He can bring comfort and healing to you
and your marriage.

He can take something bitter and turn it

into something sweet.

Bitterness is one of the great destroyers in a

relationship, but forgiveness and letting go
can restore a love and joy that seemed all
but lost.

He can also take something good and turn

it into something truly wonderful.

While many can attest to a “good” marriage,

the Lord desires more for us than even
that—He wants us to walk deeply in love for
the rest of our days together.

We can start by putting our hope in what the

Lord says about our marriage and not listen
to any voice which says otherwise. We can
remember that we were made for love – and
not just any love, but an uncommonly
beautiful love – much like the love He has
for us.

God’s message to every couple is this: You

can have a highly fulfilling marriage.

No matter where you are, God’s message is

the same. If you are going to consistently
enjoy a highly fulfilling marriage, there are
seven habits that you need to embrace and
walk in – seven things that God is calling
you to do as a spouse.
And, don’t worry, this isn’t all about how
the wife needs to do more, or how the
husband falls short. There is something
here for both husband and wife, but don’t
wait for your spouse to hear the message
designed for him/her. This is a message
for both. So, let’s get focused on where God
wants to take our marriages.

How You Can Prepare Your

Heart

Before you begin reading any further, here

are some things to do in preparation for the
7 topics we’ll be covering.

 Pray. Commit to seeking God in

prayer for what He desires to reveal to
you.
  Prepare. Prepare your mind to
resist the temptation to think of how this
material applies to your spouse.
 Ask. Ask yourself, “What is the
message in my marriage?” To your
spouse, to your children, to the people
who know you, and to those who don’t?
God cares deeply about the message
your marriage speaks to others.

If you and your spouse commit to learning

and walking in the 7 Habits of a Highly
Fulfilling Marriage, you can experience the
depth and satisfaction that God desires for
you both.
 Chapter 1
The Powerful Habit of
Choosing Kindness
 For The Wives

By Lisa

I was always so happy to see her.

Whenever my friend dropped by – I dropped

everything. Smiled and gave her a hug.
Suggested that she stay awhile and made her
a cup of tea.

They were just little things, I know. But it

was my way of saying “I care about you”
and “you are dear to me”. Simple, small
acts of kindness offered in friendship.

My husband watched it all from the other

room. I think I’d forgotten he was even
home that day. Observing it all from his
favorite chair.

Then I noticed a rather melancholy look

in his eyes. Sort of sad with a bit of regret.
And so later I asked him about it.
“What? What were you thinking while
Susan was here?”

He shrugged, but I wasn’t about to let him

off that easily. I had to know.

Please tell me. Even if hurts.

He started out slowly, “I couldn’t help

wishing. And wondering.”

Yes….I urged impatiently.

“Well, why you wouldn’t smile like that at

me. You know, drop everything and give me
a big hug when I walked through the door.
Offer to make a pot of coffee. Things like
that…things like you did for her.”

He was right. And it did hurt.

My husband – that man I love – was only

looking for a little kindness. Small
gestures of thoughtfulness. From me. His
wife.
You might say it was a turning point for us.
Before that I considered kindness as
something you “felt” toward someone –
more like a sentimental impulse. I didn’t
understand that it was something you could
simply choose.

And I certainly didn’t understand that this

was something my husband needed from
me.

A Kind Wife Who…

Smiles warmly. She lights up when she

sees her man. He’s not old news or simply
that familiar face. He’s the guy who lights
up her world.

Looks up lovingly. When he walks in

the room Sure, she’s busy, but always has a
moment for him. She’s thrilled that he’s near
and has that special sparkle in her eyes that
she saves for him alone.

Replies graciously. She doesn’t snap or

snarl. She saves her sweet tone for him. He’s
a valued friend so she’s mindful to
communicate love and appreciation for him.

Offers thoughtfully. She looks for those

little ways to bless him. She knows what he
likes and those small details that show him
the place he has in her heart.

And on her tongue is the law of kindness.

Prov. 31:26

Admittedly, this took some effort on my part.

I’m sorry to say it didn’t flow naturally from
me, but at least it came more easily as time
went on.

And now it’s just my way of saying “I

care about you” and “you are dear to me”.
Simple, small acts of kindness offered to a
friend.

Who also happens to be my husband.

That man I love.

 For The Husbands

By Matthew

I never meant to be unkind but there I

was, getting dressed as her words stabbed
me deeply.

Why do you leave your dirty laundry all over

the floor? Do you want the maid to pick up
after you?

Maid? I don’t treat you like a maid.

Really? Then why can’t you carry your dirty

laundry ten feet to the laundry basket,
instead of throwing it on the floor? You’d
never treat someone else like this.

Ouch . . . it was true, I never would. When

I’m in a hotel, I even hate leaving the towels
on the floor. So, what was I thinking?
Was I thinking...?

Or take the exhausted wife with young

children whose husband regularly kicks
back after work but rarely thinks of giving
her a break.

Or the husband talking with me while

keeping his back to his wife the entire time.

How about not considering her needs and

desires when we’re being intimate?

There are a lot of ways to be unkind.

Choosing kindness in action, word, or tone

communicates: I care deeply about how you
feel. When a woman knows . . . feels . . . she
is deeply cared for, she finds herself in a
safe place where giving of herself becomes a
pleasure. Without kindness - the habit of
kindness - the highly fulfilling marriage you
desire will remain a desire, nothing more.
There are plenty of good reasons to develop
the habit of kindness but there’s one reason
that trumps them all: God commands it:

Be kind to one another, Eph.4:32

There is a great deal of power in your

possession – power that is unleashed to
envelope your spouse with love when you
learn the habit of choosing kindness in the
many everyday moments that make up a
marriage.

And, it is a choice – a choice for you and for

me to make every day. And, yes, it flows
both ways but, men, we are the initiators (or
should be if we’re not).

If you need to know specifics, humbly ask

your spouse where you need to change. And
if being made aware isn’t enough, ask God
to do His work in your heart and head.

Embrace the Habit of Choosing Kindness

and you’ll be in fellowship with God, with
your spouse, and on the road to a highly
fulfilling marriage.
 Chapter 2
The Freeing Habit of Offering
Forgiveness
For Both Husbands and Wives

By Matthew

I wish Lisa didn’t have so many

opportunities to forgive me over the years.
Oh, we trade places sometimes, but when it
comes to needing forgiveness, there are a lot
more entries in my ledger than in hers.

Take this morning. We’re all sitting around

the fireplace talking of various things and I
said something that was offensive to her (I
can’t help it, I’m just gifted that way). I
needed to ask for forgiveness . . . and she
gave it freely, which is kind of a miracle
because as she willingly admits, being a
quick forgiver is not her forté!

And, it’s been a great day because we don’t

want to waste time being put out or offended.
Life is so short.

Ruth Graham had it right when she said, “A

happy marriage is the union of two good
forgivers.” Frankly, it’s essential if you are
going to enjoy a highly fulfilling marriage.
There’s probably no other relationship
where the need for forgiveness presents
itself more often.

But, it’s not natural to forgive someone

who has hurt you. It’s not very smart, either
– humanly speaking. Why trust that person
again? You’re only giving him something he
can hurt you with. And he (she) will hurt
you again. You have proof of that.

The List

Have you been compiling a list . . . The List

of grievances your spouse has committed?
Mere paper cuts or major-league betrayals –
doesn’t much matter because they’re all on
The List.

And, it’s not an invented list.

You’re not simply being touchy. These are

real offenses, real cuts – actual insults. What
are you doing with those? Packing them
around? Referencing them. Thinking about
how much you’ve been hurt?

Although The List of Grievances provides

the “proof” that you are right, The List is
not your friend. In fact, it is the enemy of
your fulfillment in marriage and in life. The
List will take you to the valley of emptiness
and bitterness and leave you there unless
you learn the Habit of Offering Forgiveness.

And it is an offering. Like every

meaningful offering, it’s going to cost you
something. But, if you are a believer,
offering forgiveness for your spouse’s
offenses isn’t an option. Jesus is clear about
this – you aren’t a follower of Him if you
won’t forgive. If you won’t forgive, you will
not be forgiven – Luke 6:37

That’s hard . . . especially for some who

have endured so much, but Jesus didn’t
come to bargain with you for items on The
List. He wants it all. He wants you to give it
up. He wants you to be free.

If Your Spouse Has Offended You:

 Find a time free of distractions and

ask to talk.
 State how what was done offended
you and how it made you feel.
 Don’t take offense if you are not
heard. Being offended, leading to an
argument will get you nowhere. Rather,
 remain humble and ask God to reveal
Himself to your spouse.
 Choose not to carry the offense.
And, you DO have the power to
choose. You can choose not to remain
offended. Leave it with Jesus.
Remember, it’s going to cost you and
letting it go is the price you pay but it’s
so worth it! Once you’ve done your part,
your spouse is in God’s hands. Leave
him/her there.

If You have Offended Your Spouse:

 Openly, humbly, acknowledge your

offense, without qualifying statements
(justification) as to why you did what
you did.
 With a sincere tone, express your
sorrow for what you did and how it
made your spouse feel. Never say, “I’m
sorry you feel that way.” But, remember,
saying “I’m sorry” is never enough. You
have to....
  Humbly ask, “Will you please
forgive me for (the offense)”

Never again mention what was forgiven.

Not even if you are dealing with a similar
offense in the future. God doesn’t remember
your past offenses or hold them over you.
The grace we receive from Him we should
extend to our spouse – Hebrews 8:12. I want
to receive grace like that. How about you?

Forgive your spouse because you’ve been

forgiven. Forgive your spouse because
you love. Forgive and you are on your
way to a highly fulfilling marriage.
 Chapter 3
The Essential Habit of
Expressing Gratefulness
 For The Wives

By Lisa

I can guess what you might be thinking.

“Sure thing, Lisa. Of course, you’re happily

married. After all, look at the man you’re
married to.”

And you’d be right. He’s the most wonderful,

amazing guy I know.

But that doesn’t necessarily mean our

marriage is a piece of cake. Because he’s
just not an easy guy, if you catch my drift.
No, definitely not easy.

Now perhaps you’re starting to suspect that

I’m the laid-back one. Nope. ‘Fraid not.
That wouldn’t describe me at all.

So how do two people – people like he and

I – get along so well? Well, I’ll tell you
outright: God’s grace and our gratefulness.
And yes, I really mean that. You see, there
are plenty of negative things I could focus
on when it comes to that guy. But that only
leads to grief, both his and mine. I can
make myself miserable with all that he
doesn’t do….or be thankful for the loving
things that he does do.

Rather than stewing over his shortcomings,

I’ll lay awake at night considering the many
things I have to be grateful for. And then tell
him all about it when the morning comes.

Often it’s the little things. Or maybe the big

things that you can assume he already
knows…but needs to hear from you all the
same.
Here’s a sampling from my
Grateful List:

 He calls me. When he’s away.

 He brings me home chocolate.

(Enough said?)

 He’s generous. Always ready to give

others his time and help.

 He warms up my side of the bed. Is

that a gift, or what?

 He makes me laugh. Most every day.

Keeps me from getting too serious.

 He’s a good dad. He cares about each

child.

 He’s honest. He’ll always tell you

the straight truth.
  He holds me. When I cry. Those
times when I can’t keep it pasted
together any longer.

What does your list look like? Probably

different than mine. And maybe it’s
something you’ll have to stay awake all
night working on. But that’s okay. See if you
can come up with at least 10 things you
appreciate about that man of yours.

Then start telling him those things. One at a

time. Slowly, sincerely. And see what
happens….to the both you.

You just might find that you’re married

to a most wonderful, amazing guy too.
 For The Husbands

By Matthew

I don’t know why it’s like this (okay, I do,

it’s called sinfulness)....? But it’s just not
my natural inclination to focus on all the
terrific things there are to be grateful for.

Like the time I came home from work,

walked into the room and before I said,
“Hello,” pointed to the space underneath the
couch,

“Hey, Babe, someone left a pair of socks

under the couch.”

You know that moment when the tension in

the room is about the consistency of cold
peanut butter? Yeah, that moment.

Lisa turned my direction and that’s when it

hit me hard. Before she spoke I could see in
her eyes that I had hurt her deeply with my
“helpful observation”.
You see, when I walked in the door, I did
smell the six loaves of fresh baked bread
mingling with the roast in the oven. I did see
that the house had been cleaned. I observed
that all the dishes had been washed and the
sink was ready for the dinner dishes. I did
take note that the kids had been bathed.

But what I really did was take my

wonderful wife – this lovely gift from God
– for granted. Amidst all that she had
accomplished and just before being blessed
richly by the loving work of her hands, all I
could comment on was a misplaced pair of
socks.

It took her a while to recover, after I asked

for forgiveness.

The irony is that I was grateful for all she

had done . . . on the inside. But, that doesn’t
much matter, does it? Gratefulness is
meaningless unless it is expressed – unless
we say something.
The habit of gratefulness is really the habit
of expressing thanks. There are so many
things in any given day that your wife does
for which you can tell her you appreciate her
like – loving the kids, loving you, working
so hard, etc., etc.

Spend a little time thinking about the

many things your wife does and begin the
habit of expressing your thanks, every day.
The habit of expressing gratefulness is
essential if you are going to enjoy a highly
fulfilling marriage.
 Chapter 4
The Highly-Rated Habit of
Respecting Him
 For The Wives

By Lisa

Let the wife see that she respects her

husband. (Eph.5:33)

Oh, okay, got it. Seems fairly

straightforward.

Sorta….

Except that this respect-thing strikes me as

rather vague. Undefined. I’m not trying to
be difficult either, it’s just not as clear as I’d
like it to be.

Not like love.

I know what it looks like to love. That’s an

easy one. Love is when you spend time with
me. Listen to me. Care about me. Look after
me. Take a keen interest in my thoughts and
ideas. (Chocolate can go a long way too.)

No, love is an easy one to figure out.

But respect? That’s an entirely different

matter.
Apparently, it’s an important matter though.
So important that you’ll find respect toward
the top of his list. Yes, respect is
highly-rated among the men. I’ve even
heard it said that they would rather be
unloved than disrespected—is that wild,
or what?

Crazy.

Now the fact is that I do respect my husband.

I really do. I guess it’s the showing of it that
gets to be something of a challenge.

Because you’ve heard how we each have

our own unique “love language”? Well, I
suspect that there must be some kind of a
“respect language” too. You know, “what
says respect to him” or something along
those lines.

So one day I just up and asked him.

Straight out. “What makes you feel
respected? By me?”

And I waited for his answer.

And waited.

After a while, he mentioned a thing or two.

Things like how I’ll talk positively about
him in public. Or how I’ll ask him, rather
than tell him what needs to be done around
the house. Then added how I’ll stop what
I’m doing to greet him when he comes in the
door.

These were meaningful things to him.

But for the most part? I was on my own to

figure out what made him feel respected. I
made it a point to study what made him
smile, as well as what made him flinch. I
tried to notice what seemed to work – and
what didn’t work.

I found that respect fell mostly into

these 4 categories:

Trust him.
Somehow a man instinctively knows if you
believe in him–or not. For instance, how you
respond to his decision-making speaks
powerfully to him. Is your first response to
question him? Challenge him? Or do you
save that “coupon” carefully? He needs you
to trust him and his final decisions.

Admire him.
He’d like to know that you are his biggest
fan – hands down! No one should admire
him more than you do. My personal goal? I
never want anyone who works with my man
to think more highly of him than I do. I want
him both to see it in my eyes and to hear it
from my mouth.

Be loyal to him.
Fiercely loyal. You’ve got his back and he
knows it. Your children should know it too.
In fact, there should be no doubt in anyone’s
mind where your loyalty lies. No one would
dare say anything disparaging about your
man in front of you because that is simply
not done.

Honor him.
Both in private and in public. So that he
doesn’t have to concerned about what you
might say to him or how you’ll represent
him in front of others. You never want to
demean him or bring him down a notch.
Quite the opposite. He can even be confident
that you’ll respect his wishes when he’s not
around—your regard for him goes that deep.

So why not ask your own husband what

makes him feel respected? (Just don’t be too
surprised if you have to wait a while for him
to answer.)

Take to heart whatever he shares with you

and then add to that list from what you’re
able to learn by watching him.

Pray about it and ask God to show you the

ways you can lovingly respect your
husband.

You might be surprised to see what a

difference it makes in your marriage.
 Chapter 5
The Habit of Cherishing Her
 For The Husbands

By Matthew

I’ll never forget those eyes, dancing above

the rim of her glass the moment I walked
into the room, the first dance of many . . .
wild and wonderful.

There are . . . things that are too

Wonderful for me . . .

The way of a man with a maid (Proverbs

30:18,19)

Four days later – an eternity, she said – we

kissed and purposed to spend our lives as
one . . . Paradise.

As I lay across the bed from my beautiful,

lovely Bride during our Hawaiian
honeymoon (a typically generous gift from
my brother and his wife) those dancing eyes
held my gaze, their radiance intensifying a
vague sense of loss.
Time. Suddenly all those years without her
seemed lost.

Still drinking in the moment’s wonder, my

fingers fell lightly, high upon her cheek,
tracing to her lips the soft outline of her
face.

“Why didn’t I meet you ten years ago?

Where were you? Look how much time
we’ve missed being together, how much
time we’ve lost.”

But life is like that, isn’t it? One day we

wake up in an oasis wondering why we
wandered around in the desert for so long.

I purposed right then and there, 21 years ago,

laying on the bed in our room on the 5th
floor of the Lahaina Shores Hotel, I would
cherish this woman, my bride, this
breath-taking gift from God, every day of
my life.

How great it would be to report that I have

loved Lisa perfectly. I cannot. I’ve caused
her tears, been unloving, and insensitive at
times. But, I can report to you that Lisa has
been and is a cherished woman. I’ll be
transparent . . . she makes it easy for me.

I reach out from the inside to let her know

how much she matters to me. She knows
this – that it’s serious business with me. Lisa
is my priority because Jesus Christ made
her my priority. He wants me to love her
as He loves His Bride.

Jesus is the example for every Christian man

to know how to truly cherish his wife.

Wait a minute, Jesus isn’t married!

But, He is (or soon will be). His Bride is the

Church. And Christian men are instructed to
love their wife as Jesus loves His –
Ephesians 5:25

Is your wife a cherished woman? If so, no

one would ever think to ask because a
woman truly cherished by her husband is
irrepressibly radiant, like the sun on a clear
day.

For the rest of you, I encourage you find a

quiet moment and to ask your wife, “Do you
feel cherished by me?” and “How can I

cherish you in a way that you truly feel it?”

You see, being the husband of a cherished

woman just isn’t optional for a Christian
man. This is the call of God on your life – to
preach the gospel with the power of your
love for your wife – an expression to the
world of how Jesus Christ loves His Bride,
the Church. If my wife isn’t cherished, I’m
walking in sin and I must change.

The Scriptures say that when you love your

wife, you are actually loving yourself . . .
because a truly cherished woman takes great
pleasure in returning that love with interest.
In cherishing her, God smiles His approval,
your wife reflects her joy, and you receive
the benefit of both – a highly fulfilling
marriage.
 Chapter 6
The Beautiful Habit of
Enjoying Intimacy
 For The Wives

By Lisa

So that fact is that I’m something of a

private person.

And perhaps a bit old-fashioned as well. But

I’m not just one to discuss something like
this so, well, publicly. Perhaps save that
conversation for a quiet cup of tea together.

Yet here we are. Talking about IT.

So why’s that? Because we can’t talk about

a wonderful, rich marriage without it.
Intimacy plays such a powerful role in
marriage. It’s how God designed us to be:
two souls…two bodies becoming one. As
close as a man and a woman can be. A
beautiful thing.

“Therefore a man shall leave his father and

mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two
shall become one flesh.” So they are no
longer two but one flesh. (Mark 10:7-8)

Recognizing that this is a vast and

sometimes complicated subject, here are
some things that I can offer to the wives:

Intimacy is a spiritual act.

Not merely physical. Once I came to realize

this, then everything changed for me. The
biggest revelation being that I could pray
about this area in our relationship. And so I
did.

I’ve asked God to give me a desire for my

husband when I was going through a
particularly difficult season in my life. I’ve
asked for insight when we found ourselves
struggling in a way we never had before.
I’ve asked for strength when I was tired –
and healing for when our relationship was
hurting.
God does not give us the gift of intimacy
and then leave us to figure it out on our
own. He has not left us all alone in this.

Intimacy is not optional.

It should not be avoided or neglected in

marriage. And should never be used as a
power-play in your relationship. Never. Of
course, there are those occasional
extenuating circumstances such as illness or
new babies (remember, I’ve given birth to 8
children!). Then there is also the challenge
that comes with sin (resources listed below).
Other than those things, however, Scripture
tells us we’re not to keep away from each
other.

Do not deprive one another, except perhaps

by agreement for a limited time, that you
may devote yourselves to prayer; but then
come together again, so that Satan may not
tempt you because of your lack of
self-control. (I Cor. 7:5)
Intimacy is worth investing in.

Pray about it. Ask God to protect this area

for you both. Make it a priority in your
relationship which might mean you need to
rest up and plan for it. And if you need
help, then seek it out. But whatever you do –
don’t give up and don’t ignore it.

Love-making is a beautiful gift from God

to be treasured.

Recommended resources:

 The book The Good Girl’s Guide to

Great Sex by Sheila Wray Gregoire. She
also has a page for advice on specific
marriage issues.
 Jolene Engle offers this help for
those struggling with pornography and
infidelity. And this one, as well, My 20
Reasons Why a Wife Doesn’t Want to
Have Sex.
 For The Husbands

By Matthew

What guy wants to sit around talking

about “intimacy”?

That’s just wrong. It’s not even a ‘guy’ word,

is it? But bring up the word and after the
discomfort subsides, for most guys the auto
response is ‘Oh, you mean sex’.

But, she doesn’t mean ‘sex’.

Really, you’re joking, right honey?

She’s not joking.

She doesn’t mean ‘sex’ when she says she

wants intimacy. But learn what she does
mean and the intimacy you enjoy with her
will often involve making love.

So, what does she mean when she says the

word ‘intimacy’? It’s pretty straightforward:
She means EVERYTHING!
Do you like math? Think of it this way:

Intimacy = Everything

. . . everything that happened in her day, all

her interaction with you, verbal and
nonverbal, especially including how you
indicated your love for her through
thoughtful acts of kindness, gratitude, care,
and romance and yes, sometimes including
physical intimacy.

For her, intimacy is a giant yarn ball with

everything in her day connected to the same
string. The core issue is how close to you
she is feeling based on all of the input
she’s had from you throughout the day.

So how have you treated her from the

moment you got out of bed today? Did you
speak warmly to her? Did you do small
things for her throughout the day that said,
“I love you,” in a way she can hear? Did
you express appreciation for something she
did today? Did you act in a way that said,
“You are my priority. I love spending time
with you?”

These things go into her definition of

intimacy. The natural result of the
atmosphere you have created by making a
habit of doing them is to come together
physically. There are always exceptions, but
wives loved in this way want to be
physically intimate with their husbands.
They desire to give.

We men are often too quick to neglect the

very things that will result in our wives’
desire to be with us. But, we don’t have to.

Here are 5 Things you can do to

develop the healthy habit of
intimacy:

1) Before you leave the bedroom in

the morning, tell her that you love her and
will be thinking of her throughout the day.
2) Prove you are thinking of her by
giving her a short phone call telling her
you’re looking forward to being with her
when you get home tonight.

3) Does she hold down the domestic

front or does she work outside the home as
well? Either way (or both for many women)
tell her how much you appreciate all she
does.

4) Ask if there’s something around

the home she would like for you to get
done . . . and do it.

5) Would she enjoy being taken away

for an evening out? Ask her earlier in the
day for a date.

The more we communicate our genuine

love and interest in our wives, and care
for their emotional needs, the more they
desire to give of themselves and that is a
vital part of a highly-fulfilling marriage.
*A word for those who struggle with porn:
Walk in the Victory Won For You at the
Cross.
 Chapter 7
The Life-Long Habit of
Pursuing Friendship
 For The Wives

By Lisa

His eyes reached for me from across the

room.

I could tell he wanted something. Needed

something. Without even looking up, I asked
while gathering up a small handful of Legos,
“What? What is it?”

All the while my mind rapidly reviewed my

checklist for the evening: dinner dishes –
check. Laundry load going – check. Boys in
the bathtub – check. Living room tidy-up –
in process.

Would you just sit down? He pretended to

ask nicely, but his frustration came through
all too clearly. He was bugged with me.

At which point, I felt a snap. A small snap,

but definitely snappish.

“Ummm…I’m sorry, but I’m just trying to

do the Good Wifey thing here?” Then
proceeded to list for him everything I’d
accomplished in the last 60 minutes. It was
impressive. Ending my short, but rather
sweeping speech with, “And what more
could you want?”

What do I want? I want you to sit with me.

To want you to be with me. I didn’t marry
you because I was looking for a maidservant
or a laundromat. I married you because I
loved you and we were friends.

I’ll tell you what I want: I want my friend.

Funny how you can think you’re well on

your way to getting everything right, only to
learn that you got a little lost somewhere
along the way? Not that I was wrong to
order my house or care for our kids, but
somehow when those goals got bumped up,
he’d been inadvertently bumped out.

Somehow being a “good wife” had trumped

being his good friend.

Do you know how that goes? You can be so

busy checking off the right boxes that you
leave off with why you made the list in the
first place.

A beautiful marriage means investing in a

beautiful friendship.
 Invest in Your Friendship

Sync up schedules.
As much as possible, seek to line up your
schedule with his. It’s too easy to start
leading separate lives as you’re both going
in opposite directions. He gets up early;
you’re a night owl. He works this shift;
you’re committed to that class or club.
Before you know it, you’re living parallel
lives and it’s not what either of you ever
intended.

But true friends determine to do as much

together as they can. Try to go to bed at the
same time as each other and/or share as
many meals together that you can pull off.
Make it a priority to hang out together.

Which takes it right into the next one…

Make the most of the little
moments.
You’ve heard the expression, “Seize the
day”? Well, my current motto is, “Grab the
moment”. I used to wait until the time was
right, or until he asked me for a date night.
But those kinds of times didn’t come nearly
as fast or frequent enough for me. By the
time we went out, I was so tangled up that
we spent much of the time “working things
through” instead of enjoying the more fun
topics.

Finally, I had an “ah-ha” flash and realized

that I was missing out on lots of little
opportunities. Not as satisfying as a Real
Date, mind you, but they do count for
something. Some examples: He’s going to
run some errands, I’ll ask if I can come
along. He’s working on his computer, so I’ll
sit next to him and play on Pinterest. It’s not
ideal, but hey! we’re together and I’ll take it.

But speaking of Date Night…

Slip Away Somewhere.

Not to contradict what was just said above,
but seek to step away from the house on a
fairly regular basis. It’s so easy to get caught
up in all our many important roles – parent,
provider, manager – that we can forget that
we’re also FRIENDS. That we like each
other. We’re not merely co-workers together
in this thing called married life.

It’s easier now that our kids are older, but

when our children were small we had to
arrange for childcare and put it on the
calendar. For many years, we went out for
coffee together every Friday morning. It
helped once my husband realized that it
didn’t require anything fancy or expensive,
but all it really took was time away as “Matt
and Lisa” (not “daddy and mommy”) and to
talk as friends.

Share interests together.

And while the children can be considered a
“mutual interest”, they shouldn’t be the only
connecting point. For instance, my husband
is very interested in current politics. While
I’m less keen on the subject, I try to ask
what is happening in that world. And then I
make myself be interested in his answer. I
also share with him regularly what is
happening in, say, the blogging world. It
helps him to share in my interests as well. It
doesn’t always work, but we try to do the
same with books, movies, and events. As
many ways as we can tie our lives together,
we do.

That conversation I shared in the beginning?

I wish I could say it took place many years
ago, but it didn’t – was relatively recent, in
fact. A bit of a wake-up call really. My
husband needs my ongoing friendship and to
know that he’s at the top of my list.
Undoubtedly, yours does too.

So enjoy that wonderful friend you married!

 For The Husbands

By Matthew

Date night . . . there’s a place not far from

our house, Diego’s ~ Spirited Kitchen, that
Lisa and I find our way to on a semi-regular
basis for a few moments away. We don’t
often order much, maybe a little avocado
salsa fresca, but we just love to spend time
together.

It was a busy night at Diego’s a few weeks

back. We couldn’t help noticing the couple –
mid-sixties, maybe – who sat the entire
evening, stone-faced, across from each other.
Not a word passed between them – Date
night. Hope they enjoyed the food – really
sad.

I don’t know their story but that didn’t keep

me from wanting to take the guy by the
lapels and say, “Can’t you see the vacant
longing in your wife’s eyes? She’s begging
to be loved by you!”

What was Lisa doing? I noticed something

in her face as she discreetly looked their way
– something in her eyes evaluated,
wondered, analyzed.

“Do you think we’ll wind up like that twenty

years down the road?” She said
unexpectedly.

Now, she knew the answer. I know she

did . . . but somehow she wanted the
assurance of hearing me say it.

“Of course not – we’re going to be friends

forever.”

But, didn’t the older couple start out with

the same desire? Doesn’t everyone begin
marriage with an expectation of friendship
and closeness for the long-haul?

Then “Life” happens and The Book of Love

sits neglected, collecting dust on some
hidden shelf.

God designed us for so much more than that

– for depth, for richness, for a highly
fulfilling marriage, but it won’t happen
automatically. To experience a marriage
like that, we’ve got to do things God’s
way and cultivate a lifestyle that places a
priority on those things that will lead
toward the relationship we so desire.
Let’s keep it real – it is impossible to have a
fulfilling friendship with your spouse if
there is no willingness on his/her part to do
so. But, one thing is certain – If you don’t
pursue the habit of friendship in your
marriage, it will never happen. Even if your
spouse is a little resistant due to the path you
have walked, God can do miracles in a
marriage where His ways are embraced and
you choose to walk obediently.

So where do you start in pursuing

friendship with your spouse?
When it comes to having a friendship, God
says you need to initiate the process.
Proverbs 18:24 – if you’re going to have
friends, you must be friendly (MLJV).

This verse is never more true than in the

relationship between husband and wife. To
experience friendship with your spouse, it’s
got to start somewhere. Initiate friendship
by doing and saying those things that
demonstrate your purpose to be your
spouse’s good friend.
Here are 7 suggestions toward
pursuing friendship with your
spouse. Husband or Wife, these all apply
equally to each.

1) “How can I become a better

friend to you?” Dinner, coffee, a stroll
through the park . . . pick a moment to tell
her you want to become her best
friend and ask her the question.

2) What is she interested in? Ask her

questions about those things.

3) It’s Monday morning. Do you

have priorities for the week? Discuss
them with her and ask her what are her goals
and priorities for the week.

4) Pick a day (every week!) and do

something for her that you know
she’ll love.

5) Tell her something about her

personality, way of thinking, abilities,
or contribution that you particularly
love and appreciate.

6) Build her up with your words in

public. Do you like it when someone
directly contradicts you in company?
She/He doesn’t like it, either. It’s demeaning
and disrespectful.

7) Listen with genuine interest

when she talks. Be interested in her
opinions and perspective.

For most spouses, friendship with each other

is like a ripe apple, just waiting to be picked
and enjoyed. If you truly want friendship
then initiate by doing the things with and for
your spouse that demonstrate what a
solid-gold friend you are. Pursue the habit of
friendship and enjoy that highly fulfilling,
rich marriage you desire and that God
desires for you both.
 Conclusion
Our hope and prayer is that the
Lord fills your marriage with a
strong sense of His presence,
purpose, and joy.

That your love for each other

will be deep and abiding.

That together you will be a

bright light to a dark world who
so desperately looks for that
kind of true love.

Many blessings on you and

your marriage....

&
 More Books
by Matthew and Lisa Jacobson

100 Ways to Love

Your Wife
By Matthew L. Jacobson

100 Ways To Love Your Wife is filled with

practical ideas for pursuing love, kindness,
friendship, and appreciation in the everyday
lives of couples committed to enjoying the
best a great marriage has to offer (although
much of what's here is apropos for those
planning to be married, too!). What does it
take to have a great marriage? It's not all that
complicated - just a whole lot of decisions
that say, "I love you," rather than those that
say, "I love me." This book provides
suggestions that help demonstrate to your
spouse that she is a cherished priority in
your life.
 100 Ways to Love
Your Husband
By Lisa Jacobson

What could I tell you about enjoying a great

marriage? A happy and loving one.

Now that we’ve been married for 21 years.

We’ve laughed together, cried together, slept
together, raised children together, and have
walked together for over two decades. Two
people who’ve been loving each other for a
long time.

So women often ask me, they wonder how

it’s done. What has worked and what has
helped us through the hard times? What has
brought us this far? And what will keep us
loving each other in the years to come?

Whether you’re newly married, have been

together for decades, or still waiting to meet
the one God has for you, Lisa Jacobson of
Club31Women.com offers practical steps on
how you can enjoy a lasting, loving
marriage too.

Join her on the life-long journey of learning

to love each other.
 About the Authors
Matthew L. Jacobson
My name is Matthew (feel free to call me Matt!)
and I should start by telling you the best thing
about me. God is so good! 21 years ago, I met and
married this Lady, right here….

(Saint) Lisa. We live with our eight kids on a

small acreage in the Pacific Northwest –
well, most of them, anyway. Our oldest is
off to college on the east coast. On any
given day, you can catch us in the lake, on
the river, in the garden, feeding the chickens
or the cow…or reading a good book by the
fireplace.
For the past 23 years, I’ve worked in the
book publishing industry as VP of
Marketing & Editorial, Multnomah Press, Sr.
Acquisitions Editor of Broadman & Holman,
and VP of Editorial, Multnomah Publishers,
founder and president of Loyal Publishing,
and then of Loyal Arts Literary Agency.

About eleven years ago, I started Loyal

Publishing where Eric and Leslie Ludy
published their bestselling book, When God
Writes Your Love Story.

After selling Loyal Publishing, I began

Loyal Arts Literary Agency, which
represents such authors as Darlene Schacht
(Time-Warp Wife), Aaron & Jennifer Smith
(UnveiledWife) Eric & Leslie Ludy, and
Kevin Malarkey (The Boy Who Came Back
From Heaven – a #7 New York Times
Bestseller).

Lisa and I have written several children’s

books including the C. S. Lewis Silver
Medal winner for Children’s Literature,
How Did God Make Me?
 Lisa Jacobson

Lisa is the happily-ever-after wife of

Matthew and together they enjoy raising and
home-educating their 8 children. She's also
rather fond of dark chocolate, French press
coffee, and deep friendships (though not
necessarily in that order).
You can find Lisa sharing her passion for
husband, home, and family over at
Club31Women.com.
She’s also blessed to be a part of the
blogging team at TimeWarpWife.com,
TheBetterMom.com, and ForTheFamily.org.
Her articles have been featured at
KirkCameron.com.