Hot Flashes

Original Script and Lyrics by Kate Finn and Rick Weiss

©2002

Cast: The four principal roles are All and Lynn. They make up the band called the “Hot Flashes”. The women
will age from their 40’s to their 70’s throughout the play, so the actresses should fall in that age range. The
show is about an all-women’s band (or singing group). (In the original production, Marvella played bass, Lynn
played piano, and Kate played guitar, harmonica, and banjo.) It is not necessary for the women in the cast to
play instruments, but it’s fun if any of them can.
There is also a drummer- preferably, but not necessarily a woman, and 2 smaller speaking roles. These are
Announcer/Father O’Weissberg and Sister
Vanna (In the original production, the soundman and the stage manager played these roles, respectively.)

Act 1, Scene 1
The Procto-Lounge dinner theatre, 1996(or 10 years prior to the present)

(Sharon enters from wings or side aisle. She sweeps the aisle and then the stage with a Swiffer, and carries a
small bucket of cleaning implements.)

Kate: Oh no, you’re all here, and I’m not ready! Hold on a sec, I’ll be right there. There’s a lot to do to get
ready for a show like this. (She reaches front row, sweeps around peoples’ feet.) Excuse me, could you just pick
up your feet? Thanks. Oh no, you wore black. (She pats someone down with a lint brush.) Feels good, doesn’t
it?
Hi, everybody! It’s great to see all of you. Are there any men here this evening? Ooh, nice. Are any of you
single? Raise your hands, men. Just you; sir? are you straight? Hooter’s is just down the street. Did you get lost?
How about single women? Let’s see hands…Yeah, it’s just like life…Look, sir…there they are. See, I’m trying
to get the word out that this is the place to come pick up chicks. Well, maybe “hens” would be a better word.
But we all know hens are better than chicks any day of the week, right?

Sharon Because you know, it’s hard to meet people at our age. I heard a story about the senior center-I
wasn’t at the senior center, I just heard the story-It was social night and all the ladies were abuzz because there
was a new man. So they send one of their flock over to check him out, and she asks him, “So, are you new to
the area?” “Yes, I am.” “Oh, where are you from?” “Well, actually, I just got out of prison.” “Oh. Do you mind
my asking why you were in prison?” “I guess not. I murdered my wife.” (enthusiastically)

ALL:“Oh! You’re a widower!”

Sharon:Yes, it’s come to that…I want to leave you with one fact before we start the show. Did you know
that they spend more money on research for breast implants and Viagra than they do for Alzheimer’s disease?
Which means that, in about 20 years there’ll be a large elderly population…with perky breasts, big erections…
and they won’t remember what to do with them!
We’re really happy to see all of you tonight. Let’s do a show!

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen-the Hot Flashes!

Song- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore (to the tune of “I am Woman”)

Sharon: I am woman, hear me snore
In sweat pants too large to ignore
Haven’t slept much since my second kid was born
I’m exhausted to the core
With waxy build-up on the floor
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 What’s for dinner? Frozen potpies and canned corn

All: Yes, I have thighs…despite my salads of romaine

I eat cottage cheese and rice
Still look how much I’ve gained

Sharon: If I ask you…”Does this make me look fat?”

Don’t say anything!

Marvella: I am stressed.

Lynn: I’m stressed

Kate: I feel invisible…

Lynn: Invisible

All: I am Woman!

Kate: I am woman, hear me whine

I’m running out of time
And my doctor says I’m going through the change
With each day more gray I find
Without trifocals I’d be blind
No one told me this was gonna feel so strange

All: Yes, I’m surprised…by my daily aches and pains

Lynn: “I feel great!” I will lie

Marvella: ‘Cause you know I won’t complain

Kate: I am fine

Lynn: I’m Fine

Sharon: I’m in denial

Lynn: I am not!

All: I am woman!

Marvella: I am woman, hear me bitch

I can’t seem to find my niche
The kids have grown, they don’t need a soccer mom
I should be filthy rich
But there’s just one little glitch
I sunk all my IRA’s into dot.coms

All: Yes, I am old…but inside I’m just a kid

Time took its toll…but look how much I did
On a good day…
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Sharon: (spoken) If I get enough sleep…

Kate: (spoken) If I take all my supplements!

Marvella: (spoken) When the estrogen kicks in!

All: I can do almost anything!

Sharon: I’m still here

Marvella: My shoes are sensible

All: I am woman! (Coda: The four women sing overlapping mantras of “I’m still here”, “I am woman”, “My shoes
are sensible”, and “I take my supplements”. For specific vocal arrangement, refer to score and CD.)

Announcer: Good evening. And welcome to the Hot Flashes world dinner theatre tour, 1996…sponsored by
Proctol and Gambler: “Fulfilling every single woman in the world’s every health, home and hygiene need.”
On behalf of the entire Procto-Lounge staff, we hoped you enjoyed your Salisbury steak and tater tots, and
while you’re relaxing with some coconut cream pie and Sanka, let’s meet the Hot Flashes.

Kate: Hi, I’m Kate…and I’m here to tell you it’s hard being an aging hippie. I can remember when all I wanted
was killer weed. Now I just want a good weed killer. I tried to recapture the magic by going to that twentieth
anniversary Woodstock concert a few years ago, but it was sort of a bummer…there was some bad acid reflux
goin’ around. It was sponsored by Metamucil…which gives a whole new meaning to: “Crosby, Stills Nash and
Young-Unplugged!”
But the hardest part has been giving up the drugs. Have you ever listened to the Grateful Dead unstoned?

All: God, they suck!

Song: Agin’ (to the tune of “Truckin’” by the Grateful Dead)

All: Agin…Inside I’m seventeen

Ragin’…against the corporate machine
Sixties…ideals have lost their sheen
But ya just keep truckin’ on

Kate: No one you meet on the street gets an agin’ hippie

Sometimes it feels like you move through the world all alone
Once there were sisterly principles that we stood for
Now we just want a latte and a cell phone

All: Hustlin’…tryin’ to make me a buck

Got a “Peace Now” sticker on my pick-up truck
Payin’ taxes…for this war really sucks
But ya just keep truckin’ on

Kate: Mellowness once was a permanent state that we lived in

Good Karma, vibrations n’chakras n’ energy
Now we’re the parents, we threaten and set the curfews
“Be home by twelve or you’re grounded ‘til double-oh-three!”

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All: Sometimes the passion still burns bright in me
Other times I can barely see
Lately it occurs to me…what a long, strange trip it’s been
(Harmonica or other instrumental solo, during which Sharon does a dance with her Swiffer)

All: Sometimes I feel like I’m still in a groove

Other times I can barely move
Lately it occurs to me…I need a long, slow sip of gin

Kate: I lusted for sex…drugs and rock n’ roll

Now a Lexus, rugs and high tech stocks are my goal?

All: How’s a hippie chick supposed to save her soul?

When time keeps truckin’ on?
Time keeps truckin’ on
Time keeps truckin’ on

(Band exits, Sharon comes out without her Swiffer)

Sharon: Hello. My name’s Sharon and I’m a Hot Flash. The other day I was at Nordstrom’s because it was…
(keyboardist plays “da-da-da-Dah, da-Dum” a la ballpark organ) Clinique Bonus Time! And the salesgirl- maybe
she was 25-says to me: “Ma’am, have you tried our new shark’s bladder anti-aging moisturizer?” (Keyboard
plays 2 bass notes from “Jaws”)
Well, naturally I had to clock her. But when security let me go, and before she regained consciousness, I was
able to pry that cream from her bony little fingers so I could get the hell out of there.

Song- I Will Not Age (to the tune of “I Will Survive” by Gloria Gaynor)

Sharon: (Just piano accompaniment, somewhat rubato)

When I saw my first gray hair…I was petrified
I plucked and permed, henna-rinsed, and coiffed and dyed
But it came back like my in-laws to attack my pride
I could not hide…to my hairdresser I cried

And then I spied…(full band, somewhat faster)…a tiny wrinkle

Winking, as to mock me, in the mirror magnified
As I stared into my vanity, that shark cream I applied
I did decide…I won’t be Frankenstein’s bride

I will not age…(final disco tempo)…turn time around now

Inject around my eyes and lips with collagen
Zap that little mustache with a laser gun
But I’m not done…bring on the liposuction…

And suck my fat…Hoover that cellulite!

Resurface and pave over…’til I’m nice and tight
Make my breasts all perky…just like Vanna White
I will not age
A war against time I will wage…Bring it on!

(Piano or other instrumental solo, wherein Kate comes out in doctor garb and wraps Sharon like a mummy
with a large roll of white gauze. As she concludes this operation, Kate, Lynn and Marvella sing to Sharon:)
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Kate, Lynn Marvella: I, I, I, I, I, I, I will not age
I, I, I, I, I, I, I will not age
I, I, I, I, I, I, I will not age

(Music pauses. Sharon turns around swathed like a mummy, with her nostrils scotch-taped shut. She
resumes the song at the rubato tempo, with just piano.)

Sharon: Now I’m back…can’t move my eyes

My forehead’s numb, my breasts are sore, don’t touch my thighs!
And now my own reflection…even I don’t recognize
I realize…maybe this was not so wise…

(Full band, disco tempo) But I’ll survive…I will survive

You can call me Igor, but I’m still alive
I’ve learned that even though I can’t look twenty-five
I still can thrive…watch me age…I will survive!

Kate, Lynn, Marvella: I, I, I, I, I, I, I will survive

Sharon: I will survive!

Kate, Lynn, Marvella: I, I, I, I, I, I, I will survive

Sharon: I will survive!

Kate, Lynn, Marvella: I, I, I, I, I, I, I will survive

Sharon: I will surviiiiiive!

(The rest of the band exits except for Marvella. She takes center stage with her bass, or whatever instrument
her character plays.)

Marvella: So how’s everybody doing tonight? You having a good time? All right! I’m Marvella, and I’m a Hot
Flash, and you know, I haven’t always been a bitchin’ rock n’ roll goddess. (Audience laughter) Hey, it’s not that
funny. Twenty years ago I was a secretary, waiting for my own Ward Cleaver to come and whisk me away to the
suburbs. Then, one night in Fresno I sat in on bass at a biker bar…and I was hooked. (The band returns to their
instruments as she plays the opening bass line to “Sally Secretary”.)

Song- Sally Secretary (original medium-tempo R&B tune)

Marvella: This is the story of Sally Secretary

Whose ambition in life was just to fall in love and marry
She worked in the office of a grocery company
And played the string bass in the local symphony
And she was courted by the owner of a local drive-in dairy
Ah, life was sweet for (all): Sally Secretary

Marvella: She had a case on dancer by the name of Andrew Carey

But later found he was in love with a friend if his called Larry
Due to these tragic circumstances
She tore herself away from Andrew’s dances
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 And Larry also was a better secretary
Poor little (all): Sally Secretary

Marvella: One fateful day she met a guitar man named Homer Doeler
Who said that he could really dig her if she was a rock n’ roller
She got a job in a band called The Electric Seed
And plays a pretty wicked string bass lead
But doesn’t have much time for Homer Doeler
She shouldn’ta oughta listened to what (all): Homer Doeler told her

Marvella: She could have married as a secretary

But now rehearsal schedule’s just too hairy
It wasn’t in the cards for her to marry

All: Where are you, Sally Secretary?

Where are you, Sally Secretary?
Where are you, Sally Secretary?
We love you, Sally Secretary

(The band members don cowboy hats, or some other article of country western clothing.)

Marvella: Well, being out on the road with an all-gals band has been quite a ride…but there’s always a few
bumps in the road.

Kate: Yeah, like those guys we come across with high miles and spare tires…

Lynn: But they still cruise on up to you like they think they’re a sixty-seven Mustang.

Song- It’s a Dick Thing (medium country-western bluesy shuffle)

Marvella: When you’re drivin’ down the road

Tryin’ to lighten up your load
Then a truck pulls up behind you
And his headlights kind of blind you
And he’s ridin’ on your ass
So you wave for him to pass
Then he flashes you the finger
Though you’re an almost famous singer
And you’re thinkin’, “Hey, who died and made you King?”

All: It’s a dick thing…it’s a dick thing…it’s a dick thing

Kate: When you’re walkin’ down the street

In the swelterin’ Texas heat
And you pass some good ol’ boys
Who’ve been workin’ on concrete
And they’re leerin’ over their lunch pails
Like you’re another piece of meat
Then they smack their lips and whistle
And you’re supposed to think that’s neat?
And you wonder why guys are surlier in gangs…

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All: It’s a dick thang…it’s a dick thang…it’s a dick thang
(Chorus) Oh, it’s a dick thing…just a dick thing

Kate: It ain’t necessarily a proven statis-tic thing

All: Oh, it’s a dick thing…a doggone dick thing

Marvella: Whether he’s a hick…

Kate: Or he’s sick…

Lynn: Or he’s psychopath-ic

All: It’s a dick thing

Kate: You know, it ain’t always a dick thing…sometimes it’s a schlong thing!

Lynn: Or a wang thang…or Mr. Happy!

Kate: How about a joystick, Johnson, or Mr. Winkie?

Lynn: Don’t forget tube-steak and weiner

Kate: Little Elvis! Trouser-trout!

Kate, Lynn: Shamu!

All: It’s a dick thang…it’s a dick thang…it’s a dick thang

(Chorus) Oh, it’s a dick thing…just a dick thing

Lynn: (Half sung, half spoken over the verse:) Now, what I just can’t stand
Is when some old geezer calls me “Ma’am”
Then he opens his jaguar door
For his girl-friend of twenty-four
But if the check-out boy looks cute
Darling, I’m thinkin’… lawsuit
Why does an older man get rugged?
And an old woman becomes a rug?
And that young thing, she just wants to get her a wedding ring, uh-huh

All: It’s a chick thing…it’s a chick thing…it’s a chick thing

(Chorus) It’s a chick thing…it’s a chick thing

Kate: A nurturing, nesting, obnoxiously nagging nit-pick thing!

All: It’s a chick thing…a doggone chick thing

Marvella: Whether it’s obsessive…

Kate: Possessive…

Lynn: Or a recessive gene…

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All: It’s a chick…and dick…thang!

Act 1, Scene 2- Fabulous Procto-Lines Cruise Ship, 2006(or the present)

(The band has exited, and Lynn returns wearing a nautical captain’s jacket and hat. The scene has changed
from a dinner theatre to a cruise ship, and Sharon-also wearing the nautical jacket and hat- swabs the deck
with her Swiffer, salutes Lynn, then exits. All of the women have aged ten years for this scene.)

Announcer: Ahoy! And welcome aboard the 2006 World Casino Cruise on fabulous Procto-Lines! More than a
cruise ship…it’s a floating mall!
Tonight in the Apollo-Grip room we’ll be serving “A Taste of the Tundra”, and if you’re still hungry later, come
on down for our midnight buffet! But first, we’re proud to present the vocal stylings of…the Hot Flashes!

Sharon: (She enters with the band, all wearing nautical jackets and caps.)
Well. It finally happened: I got my first issue of Modern Maturity-which I never ordered, by the way-it just
showed up in the mail! What’s the deal with that? Am I on some kind of list? ‘Cause when you hit fifty, it just
starts comin’: retirement planning assisted living…Cemetery plots? Hey, I’m not ready to think about all that
yet. I don’t even want the senior discount yet…I’ll just pay the full price at the movies, thanks.
But I did notice one thing about the Modern Maturity cover. There was still cleavage, like Cosmo or those
other magazines, but it was more like…a chasm.

Song- In the Nude (40’s style swing)

Kate: I’m standin’ in the check-out line- ten items or less

Checkin’ out the Cosmo girl a-comin’ out of her dress
She’s got perfect hair and flawless teeth and double-D rack
I put down my toilet paper, raisin bran and Zantac
I ask the check-out lady: “Don’t you think this is rude?”
She says, (All:) “At fifty no one wants to see you in the nude.”

All: (chorus) In the nude…Oh no, just keep your clothes on

In the nude…No way, you can’t put those on
In the nude…Keep those, control-top hose on
At 50 no one wants to see you in the nude now

Marvella: It’s the moment that you dread; you’re trying on a swimsuit
You’ve tried the stripes, the polka dots and tropical fruit
Suddenly you realize you’re wearing a thong
You have to shake your head and say, “God, that’s just wrong!”
After every suit in every store you’ve come to conclude

All: At fifty you don’t want to see yourself in the nude

All: In the nude…Oh no, I’ll keep my clothes on

In the nude…No way, I can’t put those on
In the nude…Keep those…control-top hose on
Forget it…I’ll dread it…I’m in the nude now

(Instrumental solo and dance break, wherein the ladies perform in the style of a burlesque strip-tease-
without actually taking their clothes off, of course)
Sharon: I open up the paper to celebrity page
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 Hugh Hefner’s dating triplets less than one-third his age
With silicone-injected candy draped on each arm
He’s smiling at the camera like he’s still got the charm
Oh Hugh, I hate to break it, but it’s no secret, dude

All: At your age no one wants to see you in the nude!

All: In the nude…Oh no, just keep your clothes on

In the nude…No way, you can’t put those on
In the nude…Keep those…control-top hose on
At fifty no one wants to see you in the nude now

(Band slows down and crescendos into big “Stripper” finish)

All: In the nude…Oh hell, just take your clothes off!

In the nude…Come on, it’s time to show off
In the nude…Take those…control-top hose off
If you’re lucky you might get to see me in the nude…later
(The ladies put away scarves, or whatever props they might have employed for the “stripping”
choreography)

Marvella: I am so pissed off! I just saw my first husband with his second trophy wife. And this one doesn’t even
look old enough to vote! Who does he think he is…Tom Cruise?

Kate: Clint Eastwood?

Lynn: Or Harrison Ford! Don’t get me started…

Song: (original swing) I Want a Trophy Husband

Kate:I want a trophy husband

A fine, young strapping stud
A man-child who’ll come and stay awhile
Don’t want no Elmer Fudd
He’s got a closet full of loin-cloths
A pocket full of tricks
I want a trophy husband
Make him, oh…about twenty-six

Marvella: I want a trophy husband

All greased-up and buff
He’ll bring me breakfast in bed
‘Cause I can never get enough
He’s got my time on his hands
And my hands all over him
I want a trophy husband
And today I’ll call him…Jim

All: We loved him through the lean years

The Rambler and the debt
We just survived the teen years
Now he’s off with Bernadette
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 He has a red Ferrari
Viagra and his plugs
He lives the double standard
And he’s just so gosh darn smug

Lynn: I want a trophy husband

My very own boy-toy
I’ll dress him in Armani
And take him to St. Croix
I’m tired of waiting for Mr. Right
Stuck in dating Limbo
Just give me a trophy husband
‘Cause I deserve a himbo

Kate: You know, Lynn, before we left for this cruise my daughter asked me the dreaded question…

Lynn: The dreaded question? You mean, she asked if you were a lesbian?

Kate: No, keep going…

Lynn: Oh, right, that was me…let’s see…She asked you about sex?

Kate: That would have been easy. She asked me about drugs!

Lynn: Oooh! What’d you tell her?

(Band immediately begins playing famous opening bass line and drum part to
“White Rabbit” by the Jefferson Airplane. Lights go down, and any cool, trippy lighting effects can be used. The
original production used a couple large, spinning mushroom globes that threw multi-colored lights.)

Song- Go Ask… (to the tune of “White Rabbit” by the Jefferson Airplane)

Lynn: (spoken over continuing bass line) Hey, Kate?

Kate: Uh-huh?

Lynn: Did you ever notice that LSD is, like, DSL spelled backwards?

Kate: Far out! (sung) One pill is illegal

And one pill ought to be
And the one that others give you
Won’t feel like ecstasy
Go ask daddy…he knows more than me

I guess I’ve tried almost everything

But I don’t want you to go there
Sometimes it was enlightening
Other times a nightmare
Go ask Marvella…she was there, too

Kate: Back then it seemed so mellow

Like we were floating on a wave
But these new drugs turn your brain to Jell-o
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 I’ve heard kids die at these raves
Go ask Jeeves!

Lynn: It’s a website

Kate: I think he’ll know

Lynn: It’s a website

Kate: Honey…just use caution

Intuition and common sense
Be careful who you deal with
If you get busted it’s a real offense
If you remember…just one thing I’ve said…
Use your head!
Use your head!
Use your head!
(Kate and Sharon exit)

Marvella: (to the audience) Is it hot in here?… Or is it just me? (She blows air on her face with a small, hand-
held battery fan, then begins to play the bass line for the next song.)

Song- Don’t Worry, You’ll be Fine (Original rap over bass and drums, keyboard scratch effect optional)

(Sharon and Kate enter in somewhat tough-looking rap attire. They are sporting sunglasses and backwards
or sideways baseball caps.)

Sharon: Yo…yo…yo-yo-yo…Angry Housewife in da house, y’all.

Kate: Yo…(she is operating a yo-yo) Yo…I’m jiggy wit it!

Sharon: Huh? (rapped) Hot flashes, warm flushes, clammy night sweats
Rapid heartbeats, apprehensions and regrets
Weight gain, hair loss, feelings of dread
Memory lapses, hearing loss, (with Kate:) Light in the head!
Body odor, burning tongue, ringing in my ears
Irritability, mood swings and (with Kate:) Fears!
What’s happening to me? Is this the end of the line?

Announcer: (music breaks) You’re going through the change

Don’t worry, you’ll be fine

Kate: Loss of libido, feeling ill at ease

Crawly skin, incontinence…especially when I sneeze (Acho)

Kate: Headaches, flatulence, breast tenderness

Gum problems, sore joints…(with Sharon:) Intestinal distress!
(Kate has moved into audience, raps the next lines sitting on a man’s lap)
Irregular periods…some are heavy, some are light
Can’t concentrate, can’t sleep through the night
(Shaking man by lapels) What the hell’s happening to this body of mine?

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Announcer: It happens to everyone…
Don’t worry, you’ll be fine

Kate and Sharon: I’ve always been a caretaker

Serving everyone else’s needs
Putting others’ comforts before mine
But now my body’s screaming:
“You can no longer breed”
So Don’t Fuckin’ Tell Me I’ll Be Fine! (Optional: “Freakin’”)

Sharon: Loss of appetite, bones feel brittle and thin

Electric sensations under my skin

Kate: Depression and memory loss, crashing fatigue

Tingling in my fingers, feeling (with Sharon:) weak in the knees!

Sharon: Dry vagina, cotton mouth…skin feels kinda itchy

Kate: Anxiety and headaches…(All:) No wonder you’re so bitchy!

Kate and Sharon: Must we endure this hell for all time?
“You’re going through the change…Don’t worry you’ll be fine
You’re going through the change…Don’t worry, you’ll be fine
You’re going through the change..Don’t worry you’ll be fine!”

(They exit, Lynn enters wearing a bandana)

Lynn: How-dee! (Audience:) How-dee! And welcome to our last night on fabulous Procto-Lines Cruises. But
don’t be sad, ‘cause we’ve got a special treat for y’all this evening…we’re gonna do some square-dancin’! Can I
get a Yee-hah? (Audience:) Yee-hah!
Oh, and don’t try to leave, ‘cause we’ve Locked all the cabin doors. I’m Lynn Loretta, and I’ll be your caller
this evenin’- not your call girl, your caller…so let’s kick up our heels and give me one more big “Yee-hah!”
(Audience:) Yee-hah!
(Sharon comes out wearing frilly square dance skirt. During the following song, she will act out the actions
described by Lynn, the square-dance caller.)

Song- Break-up Breakdown (original bluegrass square-dance tune)

Lynn: Bow to your corner…then bow to your shrink

If your feeling tongue-tied, then pour yourself a drink
He gave you his home number, and he seemed to size you up
C’mon this ain’t high school…just call-a-man up

All: C’mon this ain’t high school…just call-a-man up

Marvella: (spoken) Well, he doesn’t seem to be answerin’, so I guess you’ll have to find a man…in person. (She
goes out into the audience in search of a man.)
Now, this is the part where none of the men make eye-contact with her…but as you may remember, I know
where you are. (She finds a man.) Here’s a cute one. How about you, sir…Care to dance with her? All right! (The
make their way to the stage.) Let’s give him a hand, folks.
(As they reach the stage, Sharon addresses the fellow:) O.k., now turn around, face the audience-show ‘em
how cute you are- and just like at home…do nothin’.
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Lynn: First check out his car…then check out his clothes
Hmm, does he have dough? Then go girl…do-si-do!
Now you’ve got yer feller, take him home and promenade
(Sharon leads the man backstage.)
Hey, do I buy the condoms? ‘Cause tonight I might get laid!

All: Better get yer condoms, ‘cause tonight you might get laid

(Sharon and the man are backstage for 20-30 seconds. After a few seconds, the stage manager tosses up-or
sideways, depending on the curtain configuration-a duplicate of Sharon’s skirt fabric.)

Lynn: (spoken) If the backstage is rockin’, then don’t come a-knockin’!

(Sharon and her partner emerge from backstage, each with a cigarette.)
They’re smokin’!
(sung) You wait for him to call you…but you figure that he won’t
He doesn’t quite enthrall you, but you do like his cologne
Soon there’s an extra toothbrush, and whiskers in the sink
He’s a home-improvement project…Oh what would mama think?

All: He’s a home-improvement project…Oh what would mama think?

Lynn: Then when you least expect it…he gets down on one knee (the man does)
Puts a ring upon your finger and says, “Will you marry me?” Sharon: Yes!
You sent out invitations, and all your best friends came
Honeymoon in Cabo…now you’re Mrs. What’s-his-name
(Stage manager comes out and places a large, garish sombrero on his head)

All: Honeymoon in Cabo…now you’re Mrs. What’s-his-name

Lynn: At first you get all teary…when you admire that ring
But his ex-wife seems too cheery…
(Sharon shows ring to Marvella, who audibly cackles.)
When he moves in everything
As he parks it by the big-screen, n’ says, “Hon, get me a Bud.”
(Sharon fetches him a cold can of Budweiser)
What started out as fireworks…has now become a dud

All: What started out as fireworks…has now become a dud

Sharon: (She leads the man back toward his seat.) All right, I’m takin’ you back. Hold on to the hat for now, and
the beer is yours to keep. Now, let’s see…I’ve gotta find me another one…(She picks a second man and walks
him to the stage.) O.k., he’s a cute one…

Lynn: (sung) You work late at the office…but he don’t seem to mind
That cute guy from the fourth floor, he asks you out to dine
He holds your hand at dinner, and sees that there’s no ring
He’s a real good dancer…Is this my mid-life fling?

All: Take your brand new partner…out on the town and swing
Sharon: (Directing second man toward his seat) All right, I’m takin’ you back, ‘cause this was just a quickie. (She
returns to the stage.)
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Lynn: You come home all akimbo…and find to your dismay
The house reeks of eau de Bimbo…two can play at that lay
While you were out man-shopping, he gave it a whirl
He ordered extra toppings…from the pizza delivery girl

All: He ordered extra toppings…from the pizza delivery girl

(Sharon confronts the first man, snatches back the sombrero.) Give me back my hat! You don’t even like
pizza!

Lynn: (spoken) Aww…he likes anything hot that comes in a box. (Sharon returns alone to the stage, wearing the
sombrero.)
(sung) Now I’m flyin’ solo…I’ve settled that old score
No more line-dance romance, I’m holdin’ out for more
I still can hit the dance floor, take some classes in the fall
.
Sharon: ‘Cause ‘til I find the right man…I’ll take no man at all

All: ‘Til you find the right man…take no man at all

‘Til you find the right man…take…no man at…aw-aw-all! Yee-hah!

(All the actresses and band members exit.)

Announcer: Thank-you. The Hot Flashes will be back in about twenty minutes…they always come back…There
are concessions in the lobby, as well as Hot Flashes merchandise: CD’s, t-shirts, buttons and fans!
Also, one quick announcement: in your program you’ll find a brief survey. Please fill it out and leave it at the
edge of the stage or on the product table in the lobby, because after intermission we’re going to have a
drawing and give away some prizes. See you in twenty minutes.

Act II, Scene 1- Holy St. Proctolius 24-Hour Chapel and Bingo Emporium (2016, or ten years in the future)

(Lights come up on Father O’Weissberg and Sister Vanna. He is wearing a priest’s collar and jacket, and she
wears a nun’s habit. They are standing by a table upon which a large item is hidden under a white table cloth.)

Father O’Weissberg: Good evening, and welcome to Holy St. Proctolius 24-Hour Chapel and Bingo Emporium,
in this, the year of Our Lord 2016. I’m Father O’Weissberg, and this is Sister Vanna…and are you ready to play
some bingo this evening?…(Sister Vanna pulls away the table cloth to reveal a wire mesh bingo cage in roughly
the shape of a female torso, attired in racy lingerie.) Hot Flashes style? Oh my…(Sister Vanna spins the cage.)
mercy! Work it like a virgin, sister!
(spoken to the audience) Now, if you would be so kind as to turn in your hymnals to page 5, you’ll see a
rather large bingo card with the word “FLASH” across the top. It’s just like regular bingo…if you get five up and
down, or five across…(he crosses himself), or for ye of other faiths, five diagonal…(he outlines a Star of David),
simply yell, “Hot Flash!”…and you’ll receive this fabulous prize: (Sister Vanna holds up CD)…the official Hot
Flashes CD, with all the songs and…(She holds up lyric pages at arm’s length) the big lyrics!
So get out your little pencils while I introduce the Holy St. Proctolius band, featuring, on drums: Sister
Gidget! (She enters wearing a nun’s habit-at least the head part) And playing on her organ this evening: (Lynn,
or the show’s pianist enters- also wearing a habit): the lovely and talented Sister Sledge! (She plays the first 4
bars of “We Are Family”. Throughout the ensuing bingo game, the pianist accompanies and comments on the
action by playing parts of “My Sweet Lord”, “Day by Day”, “Jesus Christ, Superstar”, or other songs of that
nature.)
(Father O’Weissberg returns to the bingo cage.) Now, Sister Vanna, there’s just one slight problem…(he tries
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to open the cage while poking at the lingerie in a flustered fashion) I’m not familiar with these types of
vestments…

Sister Vanna: Well, Father. These are just like the type of vestments that Sister Sledge orders from Sister
Victoria’s Secret catalogue.

Father O’Weissberg: Oh, yes…I have perused those catalogues in the rectory…

(Father O’Weissberg proceeds to conduct a fairly standard game of bingo, ad libbing with the band, Sister
Vanna and the audience as he sees fit. The bingo cards should be printed in the program, and the random
selection of cards can be found at bingogenerator.com Of course, the letter “F” must be substituted for “B”; “L”
for “I”; “A” for “N”; “S” for “G”; and “H” for “O”.)

Father O’Weissberg: Yes! We have a winner! (If there is more than one, he says, “Oh my, multiple Flashes!”
Sister Vanna takes the CD and lyrics to the winner, or if it’s a large theatre, meets her at the edge of the stage.)
But the rest of the congregation should not despair, for we shall giveth away more prizes.
(Father O’Weissberg then conducts a brief drawing, picking names from the surveys that have been
collected during intermission and put into the cage. He gives away another 3 or 4 prizes, such as another CD,
portable electric light-up fan, t-shirt and perhaps a ticket or two to a future show.) Whew! Not that we’ve
recovered from that excitement, let’s please give a warm Holy St. Proctolius welcome to…the Hot Flashes!

Marvella: Hi! It’s great to be back here at Holy St. Proctolius. Brings back a lot of memories. You know, every
once in a while I look back on the years I’ve spent on the road and I wonder… what did I miss out on? What did
I give up for this life?

Sharon: Yeah, Marvella, I don’t think any of us would have missed it for the world. But when we look back over
our lives…all of the good times and all of the regrets, one thing stands out: it didn’t really turn out as we
planned, did it?

Marvella: No, not even close. Sometimes it seems like life is a lesson in learning to let go.

Song- Letting Go (medium slow introspective ballad)

Sharon: I’ve been thinking about you…my son, my friend

So fast these years seemed to flow
Now I look at the Seine
Watching the water mix with my tears
And it’s hard to let you go

I lost you in April, five years ago

Now I stand here in Paris
A place you always wanted to go
I’ve got that bracelet that reminds me of you so
And I’m learning to let you go

I remember the white roses on the cathedral floor

The white rose that I gave to the see
Now this bracelet I’ll finally release
The one that binds you to me

Now I stand on the bridge and give it one last glance

Still wanting one more moment to share
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 Then I undo its clasp….and let it drop with one final prayer
You’ll always be with me…but I have to let you go

Kate: I’ve been thinking about you…my daughter, my girl

Where did all those sweet years go?
Now you’re a young woman who can’t wait to see the world
And it’s hard to let you go

I had you in April…eighteen years ago

Now I stand in your bedroom
A place I thought you’d never outgrow
I see stuffed pandas and high-heeled shows on your floor
And I’m learning to let you go

I remember the first dress we made that you wore

So many days…’til it started to fray
It would be buried under sweatshirts and jeans
Now I guess it’s time to give it away

As you stand at the door about to go your way

I remember a girl who tugged at my sleeve
Now all you need from me…is the key
And I’m learning to let you leave

Marvella: I’ve been thinking about you…the man that I loved

So many years ago
Our friends talk about you, and I wonder how you are
And I’m learning to let you go

We were married in April…a lifetime ago

Now I found an old photo of our wedding day
Our faces look so hopeful
But we couldn’t see the dark road ahead
And that I’d have to let you go

I was raised on old movies, wrapped up in romance

Where falling in love meant forever
He’d hold me and kiss me, and the music would swell
And we’d live…happily ever after

Now I stand in a home that I’ve made for myself

The door is still open for someone to share
I grew up believing…he would always be there
And I’m learning to let you go

All: (The women sing overlapping phrases of “Learning to let you go” to the end of the song. Refer to score and
CD.)

Lynn: Hits high note

Sharon: What are you so happy about?

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Lynn: I’ve got a date.

Sharon: Ugggh, why can’t I get a man?

Kate: What’s wrong with you?

Sharon: I just don’t know what to do to find a man.

Kate: You should ask Marvella, she always has a man

Marvella: There was the cutest guy in the parking lot!

Sharon/Kate: (Aside to audience) Here’s the deal, see…once a slut, always a slut.

Love’s de Bottom Line (original New Orleans-style rhumba)

Marvella: Way down along de Bayou

A long, long time ago
I met a wise old Cajun man
By de name of One-Eyed Joe

I said, “Why do they call you dat?

You look just fine to me
He said, “My eye is single…
‘Cause I know what is to be

“I know what keeps de stars on fre

And de joy that we can find
When we look down in our heart of hearts
And deep within our minds”

(chorus) Because love…(All:) Love!

Love’s de bottom line
I say love is…(All:) Love! (Marvella:) Love’s de bottom line
(All:) Just look into your heart and mind
You’ll find…love’s de bottom line

Marvella: So when you’re feelin’ lonely

And trouble is all you see
You gotta know that there’s a Goodness
Hidin’ there for you and me

So throw away all your cares and woes

And what you think’s suppos’d to be
Then you can be like One’Eyed Joe
And fulfill a destiny

Marvella: (chorus) Because love…(All:) Love!

Love’s de bottom line
I say love is…(All:) Love! (Marvella:) Love’s de bottom line
(All:) Just look into your heart and mind
You’ll find…love’s de bottom line
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 Because love…(All:) Love!
Love’s de bottom line
I say love is…(All:) Love! (Marvella:) Love’s de bottom line
(All:) Just look into your heart and mind
You’ll find…love’s de bottom line
Just look into your heart and mind
You’ll find…love’s de bottom line

Announcer: (spoken as voiceover) Are you a woman between forty and seventy…currently experiencing
symptoms such as mood swings, memory loss, dizziness, fatigue and hot flashes? Well,, Proctol and Gambler
has developed a new treatment that may be right for you. It’s called…Fukidol. (Optional: “Screwidol”)
In a recent controlled study, women who took Fukidol experienced a seventy per cent reduction in giving a
shit (Optional: “a crap”)…compared with women who took some lame-ass placebo.
Some side-effects of Fukidol include apathy, indifference, malaise…and a tendency to say, “Blah, blah, blah”
and “eh…” Other side effects include vomiting, hives and rectal itch. But with Fukidol…you just don’t care.
Ask your doctor how he can help you say: “Ahhh…Fukidol!”

Song- M-E-N-O-P-A-U-Z (original slow blues)

(Marvella enters playing classic bass blues riff-“da-Da-duh-da-dum”. She is wearing a red cape, red boa and
red devil’s horns. She is Menopause.)

Marvella: (sung) I can make your body tingle

Make you weak in the knees
I can make you feel like you’re burnin’ up
Then put you in a deep freeze…
‘Cause I’m Menopause…
That’s M-E-N-O-P-A-U-Z
Yeah, I’m gonna mess you up bad
What’re you gonna do about me?

(Sharon enters as Premarin, wearing an apron with a picture of a horse and the word “Premarin”. Her hat
resembles the cap of a pill bottle.)

Sharon: (sung) I’m made out of horse pee

So I’ll give you that extra kick
I’ll get you over the highs and lows
But I can make you heartsick
‘Cause I’m Premarin, darlin’…
That’s P-R-E-M-A-R-I-N
(spoken) You know how to spell it, I can tell
(sung) I’ll take you down the home stretch
I’m the Mr. Ed your doctor recommends

(Kate enters wearing floral, leafy Mother Nature garb and Birkenstocks.)

Kate: (sung) I’m, like, so organic

Call me nature’s remedy
Black cohosh root and ginseng
You can’t get me from your M.D.
‘Cause I’m herbal, baby…
That’s H-E-R-B-A-L
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 I’ll make you feel like a natural woman
From anise seed to zinfandel

Lynn: (She wears a white choir robe) (sung) The moral of this story?
“One-size-fits-all” just ain’t true
There’s no perfect prescription
You gotta find what works for you
‘Cause you’re a woman…
That’s W-O-M-Y-N
(spoken) Why? Because we like you!
(sung) Yeah, menopause sure is a bitch…
(She leaves piano, goes to center stage.)

Lynn: (sung) And you know there’d be a cure…(Kate offers her a joint) (spoken) Uh, no thanks, that’s o.k…(sung)
And you know there’d be a cure…(Sharon removes a large pill from her bra and offers it to Lynn.) (spoken) Um,
well, maybe…
(Sung) You know there’d be a cure…
Yes, I know there’d be a cure…
If it happened…if it happened…
If it happened to-oo-oo-oo…Men! (Big blues music coda)

All: A-men!
(The band exits.)

Act II, Scene 2- Serenity Pines Global Retirement Village (2026, or 20 years in the future)

(During the scene change from Holy St. Proctolius to Serenity Pines, the show’s pianist will play 2 verses of
“As Time Goes By”. If the pianist is in the cast, she will have to play the song as a woman in her 70’s (white wig,
etc.).
The second verse will be accompanied by the drummer, who will also have aged 20 years. Toward the end of
the second verse, the tempo will get slower and slower, and the drummer will gradually fall asleep. The song
ends with the drummer snoring face-down on his/her snare.

Announcer: And welcome to Serenity Pines Global Retirement Village. Serenity Pines…(fast lawyer disclaimer
voice) is a registered trademark of the Proctol and Gambler Corporation. Any unauthorized use of the term
“Serenity Pines”, “Serenity”, or “Pines” without the express written consent of the Proctol and Gambler
Corporation is void where prohibited.
(Slower, welcoming voice) And now, let’s kick off our two-thousand and twenty-six entertainment season
with a group of gals comprised of some of our newest residents at Serenity Pines! And they call themselves the
Hot Flashes.

(Sharon and Kate enter slowly. Sharon uses a walker, and Kate has a cane. Both have gray/white hair.)

Sharon: (As she speaks, she is accompanied by a geriatric version of “The Last Time I Saw Paris”. In the original
production, Kate played it one the accordion.)
You know, when I was a girl, I used to go down to Kress’ Dime Store and buy these little midnight blue
glass bottles of “Evening in Paris” perfume. Remember that stuff? Didn’t it smell God-awful? But somehow I
thought it held the secret ingredient for romance and sophistication.
Back then, I didn’t know exactly what went on between men and women, but I was sure it had
something to do with “Evening in Paris” perfume…(Marvella shuffles out, also with a cane.) Where the hell you
been?

19
Kate: (spoken) Now that was very sweet, but what do you say we kick it up a notch, huh? Yeah, how about that
upbeat number we rehearsed yesterday…”Mrs. Brown, You’ve Got a Lovely Walker?”

Sharon: No, that’s not it. It had choreography…Oh, I know: (singing) “You Can’t Always Pee When You Wa-ant”

Kate: No way. I’m not going there. Too many painful memories. Hey, Marvella…you got any idea?

Marvella: “I heard it Through the Grape-Nuts”?

Lynn: No, that wasn’t it. I think it was “Papa’s Got a Brand New Colostomy Bag”.

Kate: No wait… I remember! (In unison with Marvella:) Senior Moments!

Sharon: (Intro music begins) Get ready. This is our big choreography number.

Kate: We’re gonna bust a move!

Sharon: We might bust somethin’…that’s for damn sure.

Song- Senior Moments (original medium tempo old-fashioned shuffle)

Marvella: When the urge to merge
Is all but purged
You could be on the verge of a…(All:) Senior moment

Sharon: When the distance vision goes

And you seek the first three rows
You could be in the throes of a (All:) Senior Moment

Kate: When you plan your whole day

Around the early-bird buffet
I would have to say it’s a…(All:) Senior moment

Lynn: So kick back and relax

Put on you Sans-a-Belt slacks
‘Cause you’re (All:) Having a senior moment

Marvella: When you get to the store

And wonder what you came for
There’s no doubt that you’re in a…(All:) Senior moment

Sharon: When you need longer arms

To read Animal Farm
That’s just one of the charms of a…(All:) Senior moment

Kate: When your turn signal’s blinkin’

In your super-sized Lincoln
For twenty miles- I’m thinkin’: (All:) Senior Moment

Lynn: It could always be worse

At least you’re not in a hearse
You’re just (All:) Havin’ a senior moment

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 (Dance break verse)

Marvella: When the radio on the shelf

Is turned up to twelve
You say to yourself: (All:) Senior moment!

Sharon: When you tell the same old story

You’ve been telling since you’re forty
Like that Tuesday’s with Morrie it’s a…(All:) Senior moment

Kate: When you’re sittin’ around with friends

And you’re chattin’ about Depends
Usually that tends to be a…(All:) Senior moment

Lynn: Oh, you can’t escape it

Just don’t videotape it…(All:) It’s another senior moment

All: You have to accept it

Just don’t get all verklempt…It’s another senior moment
All: Just stand up and say
“I’m proud and I’m gray!”

Lynn: Gay?

All: Gr-ray.

Sahron: GRAY

Lynn: Ohh…

All: And I’m having a…(spoken) What was it? Um…let’s try again
And I’m having a…(audience:) Senior moment!

All: And I’m having a….

Sharon: (spoken) Oh, good grief, let’s just go look it up! (They shuffle over to the piano, examine a score.)

Kate: Oh, of course! Senior moment! (They shuffle back to center stage.)

All: And we’re having…a Senior moment!

Song- Change of Life (original up-tempo anthem)

Kate: I’m looking back on the roles that I have played

Grandmother, daughter, mother and wife
Sharon: So much is gone now, so many memories stayed
I still look forward to a change of life

Marvella: Don’t move so fast, now

But there’s time to pause
I savor every day, don’t worry ‘bout the flaws
Lynn: My body may complain
21
 But I don’t feel old
I still have stories untold…

All: The journey’s over but it’s just beginning

So pack your baggage, leave it all behind
The time you’ve lost won’t stop you from winning
As your world changes, you can change your mind

(Sharon leads the audience in clapping along with the repeated chorus.)

All: The journey’s over but it’s just beginning

So pack your baggage, leave it all behind
The time you’ve lost won’t stop you from winning
As your world changes, you can change your mind
Change your mind…
Change…your…mind!

Sharon: (spoken) You know, every once in a while my teen-age granddaughter will give me a hard time about
not being “bad” or “da bomb” or whatever you’re supposed to be these days. And I just look her straight in the
eye…(she points forward, then up) and say: “Now missy, don’t you ever forget…We invented rock n’ roll!”
(Sharon turns around and casts off her white wig, as does the rest of the band during the opening guitar riff of
“You’re Never Too Old to Rock”.)

Song- You’re Never Too Old to Rock (original up-tempo rock n’ roll)

All: At sixty-five they say good-bye

With a handshake and a watch of gold
Who decides your time is up?
When your only crime is growing old
Don’t have to sir around…killing time
Waiting out the clock
Don’t let ‘em call you Gramps
Just turn up the amps
‘Cause you’re never too old to rock
You’re never too old to rock

Sharon: Now most of my life I was a wife

A chauffer, cook, nurse and maid
I spoke the verse, “For better or worse”
And through it all I stayed
Now my time is mine, like Shirley Valentine
My ship’s waiting at the dock
Ever since I was a girl
I planned to take on the world
All: ‘Cause you’re never too old to rock
You’re never too old to rock

All: You’re never too old to rock

Yeah, you’re never too old to rock
We’re gonna make you scream ‘til eight-fifteen
‘Cause you’re never too old to rock
22
 You’re never too old to rock

Marvella: Since I was twenty years old I’ve been married to the road
It’s been one long and crazy ride
People came and went, fortunes made and spent
Not much I haven’t tried
I’ve settled down a little, but refuse to settle
I’ll play as long as I can walk
Don’t pack me up in a trunk…
All: ‘Cause I still got da funk!
And I’m never too old to rock
I’m never too old to rock

Kate: I had the Age of Aquarius

Now I’ve just got the age
I’ve given up on high heels, but not my ideals
Guess I’m just going through a stage
Still bake my own bread, never make my own bed
I just can’t follow the flock
I’ve still got lots to give
And what’s more…(All:) Jerry Lives!
All: ‘Cause you’re never too old to rock
You’re never too old to rock

All: You’re never too old to rock

Yeah, you’re never too old to rock
We’re gonna jump and jive till eight forty-five
‘Cause you’re never too old to rock
You’re never too old to rock

All: We’re gonna party ‘til we drop

‘Til way past nine o’clock
‘Cause you’re never too old to rock
You’re never too old to rock
You’re never too old to rock
Never Too Old to Rock!

(There is a black-out, and the band exits, except for the drummer and keyboardist, who play a 15-20 second
instrumental, out-take of “Never Too Old to Rock”. As the lights come up, the band re-enters, and they play the
instrumental introduction to the next song: “Change of Life”.)

23