TYPES OF COMPUTER PERSON YOU MAY MEET

1. The Software scientist.

This is a man who takes a mathematical algorithm, performs a series of
transformations on it and ends up with a program in lambda-calculus. This
program is _correct_, meaning it will do what it is supposed to. Now all
he needs is a lambda-calculus interpreter, a stable operating system, a
computer with a proven architecture and an uninterruptable power supply.

2. The Software engineer.

This is a man who thinks that if he divides the task up into small enough
pieces, it will disappear and he can go back to reading news.

3. The Programmer.
The programmer will listen to your requirements, sit down and actually
write you a program. Unfortunately, it doesn't do what you want it to, but
what the programmer thinks you _ought_ to want it to do.

4. The Hacker.
The hacker will listen while you tell him what you want, say "that's easy",
and type an amazingly long command line with about 30 pipes. As the line
executes, you can hear the disk thrashing away with the effort of opening
and closing all the temporary files.

5. The Hardware Buff.

This is the guy who tries to implement an awk interpreter in discrete logic.

6. The System Administrator.

While idly looking round to see what's going on, discovers a process with a
suspicious-sounding name, kills it and asks you via mail what it was. This
happened to me: the process was my login shell, bash!
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WHY I FIRED MY SECRETARY

I woke up early feeling a little depressed because it was my birthday and

thought, Another year older, but decided to make the best of it. So I
showered and shaved, knowing when I went down to breakfast, my wife would
greet me with a big kiss and say "Happy Birthday, dear".

All smiles, I went into breakfast and there sat my wife reading the newspaper
as usual. She didn't say one word. So I got myself a cup of coffee and thought
to myself, oh well, she just forgot. The kids will be in in a few minutes all
cheery and they will sing Happy Birthday and have a nice gift for me.

There I sat, enjoying my coffee, and I waited. Finally, the kids came running
in yelling "Give me a slice of toast!", "I'm late!" and "Where is my coat?!",
"I'm going to miss the bus!!". Feeling more for the office ...

When I walked into the office, my secretary greeted me with a nice smile and a
"Happy Birthday, boss", and said "I'll get you some coffee." Her remembering
made me feel a lot better.
 Later in the morning my secretary knocked on my office door and said "Since
its your birthday, why don't we have lunch together." Thinking it would make
me feel better, I said that was a good idea.

So we locked up the office and since it was my birthday, I said "Why don't
we drive out of town and have off going to the usual place". So we drove out
of town and went to a little out-of-the-way place and had a couple of
martinis and a nice lunch. We started driving back to town when my secretary
said "Why don't we go by my place and I'll fix you another martini." It
sounded like a good idea since we didn't have anything to do in the office
anyway. So we went to her apartment and she fixed us both a martini and after
a while she said "If you'll excuse me, I think I will slip into something more
comfortable" and she left the room.

In six minutes, she opened her bedroom door and came out carrying a big
birthday cake. Following her was my wife and all my kides and there
I sat with nothing on but my socks.
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FUNNY NOTICES ...

From an Air France bulletin dated Dec 1,1989. Signs & notices written in
English that were discovered around the world.

In a Tokyo hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such
thing is please not to read notis.

In Bucharest hotel lobby:

The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you
will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator:

To move the cabin,push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter
more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is
then going alphabetically by national order.

In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:

Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Bangkok dry cleaner's:

Drop your trousers here for best results.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:

It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of
different sex, for instance men and women, live together in one tent unless
they are married with each other for that purpose.
In a Zurich hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the
bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:

How would you like to ride on your own ass?

In a Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even if a foreigner if dressed as a man.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:

We take your bags and send them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:

If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:

Ladies are requested not to have children at the bar.

In a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food,
give it to the guard on duty.

In a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:

Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room,
please control yourself.
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JOKES GUARANTEED TO OFFEND ALMOST ANYONE

How do you say "FUCK YOU" in jewish?

...Trust me.

What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?

...A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven.

What do get if you cross a black with a monkey?

Nothing. Monkeys are too intelligent to fuck a black.

What do you call a beautiful girl in Poland?

...A tourist.

What happens to a Jew when he walks into a wall with a fully erect penis?
...He breaks his nose.

Why do black people smell so bad?

...So blind people can hate them too.

How was copper wire invented?

...Two jews fighting over a penny.

How did Grand Canyon formed?

...A jew dropped his penny into a small crack somewhere in Arizona.
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HOW TO GET BETTER SERVICE ON YOUR MACHINE

1. Do not call for service until everyone concerned has had time to form an
opinion as to what is wrong; allow each person the chance to correct the
problem. Whenever possible, all controls and adjusting screws should be
turned.

2. After several days, when the machine malfunction has become a major
emergency, place an urgent call for service. Fridays are best, but anytime
after 4PM is OK.

3. Alert all personnel so that each can give their version of what is wrong.
Suggestions of how to fix the machine will be welcomed bye the serviceman.

4. Hide the service history log that is found inside the machine. Make several
references to the man who was here for the same problem last week.

5. Have at least eight graduate engineers present to ask highly technical

questions which are in no way related to the immediate problem.

6. The minute the serviceman arrives, ask what caused the delay. Make it
clear that he was to arrive two days ago. Before he can answer, ask him
when the machine will be back in service.

7. The machine should be as dirty and greasy as possible. A mixture of oil

and pencil sharpener shavings work well. If the machine has electrical
components, add staples and paper clips.

8. Assign someone to supervise the repair. A person who has never seen the
machine before is preferred. Bad breath is a big plus.

9. Ask again when the machine will be ready for use.

10. Be sure that the lights are off in the room where the machine is to be
repaired. A good serviceman can fix them blindfolded.

11. Ask if the machine is ready yet. If the serviceman is looking at a

schematic diagram, ask if he knows what he is doing.

12. When the repair is completed, tell him what a swell job he did. Tell him
that the job should be swell, it took long enough.

13. Try to talk the serviceman down on the bill.

Those big companies make too much money anyway.

14. After the serviceman has gone, call his supervisor and tell him the
machine is now worse than it was before. Follow up with a letter and
send a copy to the company's home office.

15. Follow the above rules on every service call, no matter how small the
problem.
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 FUNNY SPOTS .....

Here's one:
One catholic priest was passing by a marksman. He was shocked to hear the
marksman saying, "Oh, fuck I missed the target !". "For the sake of the lord
do not utter that word again or He will hear it and will be very angry with
you",admonished the priest. But without paying any heed to this warning the
marksman swear ," Oh fuck I missed the target" after he missed his target for
the second time. Now the priest was livid with rage, "The lord has heared you
and you repeat it for the third time, He will strike you dead with His mighty
thunder". And lord in heavens, at the next instant the marksman missed his
target again and yelled: "Oh fuck I missed the target!". Instantly, there was
a deafening noise of thunder. The priest fell dead and the sky was filled
with the voice of the lord,"Oh fuck i missed the target!".
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A kind old Czech grandpa died and went to heaven. God said, "You have been
such a kind man, always concerned with others and never yourself. I am going
to grant you three wishes for what you have always wanted."

Grandpa: Three wishes? For me? Well the first wish is that the Chinese army
should attack Czechoslavakia, and we should defeat them!
God: That is a strange wish, but it shall be.
Grandpa: Really? It will happen as I said? Then my second wish is that it
should happen again.
God: The same wish again? Well, it shall be. And the third?
Grandpa: The same again.
God: Oh well, it shall be, but tell me why do you want China to attack
Czechoslovakia three times, and defeated three times?
Grandpa: Oh God! Can you imagine the Chinese Army
going six times across Russia?
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Two businessmen, one Jewish, one Chinese, were sitting in a bar, talking, and
as the conversation drifted to the ills of the world, the Jew said,"I think
it all goes back to when you guys bombed Pearl Harbor".

The Chinaman says, "We didn't bomb Pearl Harbor. That was the Japanese.
I'm Chinese".
The Jew says, "Japanese, Chinese, it's all the same".
The Chinaman says, "And, anyway, I think it all goes back to when you guys
sunk the Titanic".
The Jew says, "Sunk the Titanic? What are you talking about? That was
an iceberg".
The Chinaman says, "Iceberg, Goldberg, it's all the same".
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A poor woman had just gone through her second divorce. Her first husband
had left her for another woman, and her second husband has beaten her and
she needed to get a restraining order on him. So she decided that this
time around she was going to do things right. She placed an ad in the paper
which read "Looking for man to love, specificially one who will be
faithful and not leave home, will not beat me, and is good in bed."

Two months later, she had met and gone out with a half-dozen or so guys,
but none that she particularly cared for. She was about to give up when
one afternoon her doorbell rang. She opened the door and there on the
porch was a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs. He said, "I
hear you're looking for a man."
She looked at him for a moment, and asked him, "Well, yes. But would you
ever be tempted to leave for another woman?" He replied, "But how could
I? I have no legs to walk with." She asked, "You won't beat me, will you?"
He replied, "How could I? I have no arms to beat you with." Then she
asked, "But would you be good in bed?"
He replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
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They say you could read the following in a Romanian newspaper during
Caucaescu's era:
"The burglar broke into a warehouse by throwing a brick through
a shop-window. The police are now trying to find out where he
got that brick from."
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One girl: " How is your new boy-friend? "
the Other: " He is nice except one thing - he changes shapes "
First: " Oh My! How ? "
Second: " When he leaves the bed after making love He comes back and looks
entirely different - even his clothes and face have changed
...and wants to make love again... and this happens all night...
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A woman is in a dentist's chair. The dentists says, "I'm going to have to
remove that molar". The woman moans, "Ohhh, I'd rather have a baby".
The dentist says, "Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair".
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Two men are in the bar and they see a dog at the end of the bar licking its
balls. One man says to the other "Gee I wish I could do that". Where the
other man replied "Well, If you give him a biscuit he might let you".
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Q: Why was Snow White thrown out of Disneyland?
A: She was found sitting on Pinoccio's face yelling "Lie! Lie!"
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"Mommy, can I have a cookie please?"
"Yes Peter. They're in the jar. Just take one."
"But Mommy, you know I don't have any arms..."
"No arms - no cookies ..."
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Best pickup line:
You walk up to the chick and say, "Nice eyes, nice tits, nice ass. How much?"
I tried it. Answer was $350.00. Damned recession!
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Looks like Jim will be in the hospital for a long time.
Why? Did you see his doctor ??
No. I saw his nurse.
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The latest statistics show that you have a 1 in 10000 chance of being shot in
New York City. In comparison, the New York State lottery offers 1 in 500,000
odds.Which means, if you walk out in NYC to buy a lottery ticket, your odds of
getting shot on the way are higher than your odds of winning. Which, in turn
means that if you make it to the lottery store, you probably have already won!
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"To be or not to be" -Shakespeare
"To do is to be" -Socrates
"To be is to do" -Sartre
"To be do be do" -Sinatra
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Genetics explains why you look like your father,
and if you don't, why you should.
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You know you're old when... you go to the Wherehouse,
and all of your favorite groups have "The Best Of..." CD's.