Some people propose that smoking should be banned

completely. What is your opinion?

There are some people argue that the complete ban of smoking is necessary Commented [BB1]: Grammar error (verb form): Your main
predicate is “there are” hence this should be a relative clause only”
and exigent. In fact, there are a lot of evil influences of smoking to health and it some people arguing that/who argue that...”
violates non-smokers’ right and freedom. However, I personally disagree with Commented [BB2]: Vocabulary error (inaccurate structure):
this opinion. The correct structure should be “influence ON something”: on
health.

Firstly, tobacco industry carries abundant advantages to the government’s Commented [BB3]: Task response (insufficient point): This is
quite vague as readers do not necessarily know what kind of right
revenue. Indeed, tobacco is a commodity to tax, so the government can enrich and freedom has been infringed by smoking: non-smokers’ right
the national budget by imposing high tax on tobacco products. Additionally, this and freedom to a clean atmosphere/air.

industry employs a lot of workers that contributes to reducing the Commented [BB4]: Grammar error (lacking article): An article
is needed as the subject is specific here: the tobacco industry.
unemployment rate. The more people go to work the more income tax gointo
Commented [BB5]: Task response (more appropriate
the National Treasury. expression): It is advisable to say “a commodity of heavy taxation”
as a more appropriate way since “to tax” sounds a bit too positive.
Secondly, smoking is just a personal hobby and enjoyment. It is stress reliever Commented [BB6]: Vocabulary error (spelling)/Task response
(confusion in idea): You might want to be clearer here: the more
and can bring great contentment to smokers. Therefore, it is difficult and income is attained by the National Treasury.
painful for smokers to giving up their habit. Those people who advocate the ban
Commented [BB7]: Grammar error (lacking article): An article
lay too much emphasis on the right of non-smokers, and they ignore smokers’ is needed here: a stress reliever.
right. Commented [BB8]: Grammar error (verb form): Following “to”
should essentially be a bare verb: to give up.
We must admit that there is a definite dink between smoking and health. Commented [BB9]: Task response (repetition): To paraphrase
as “that (right) of smokers” to avoid repetition.
However, if we smoke in moderation, it will not do great harm to our health. In
Commented [BB10]: C&C (underuse of linking words): It is
history, many famous people, such as uncle Ho Chi Minh smoked and enjoyed a advisable to use cohesive devices to enhance cohesion between
long life expectancy. paragraphs: Nevertheless/However/Yet.
Commented [BB11]: Task response (Idea sufficiency): This
To sum up, I do not agree that the government should ban smoking completely. argument here is valid yet is very biased and not justified based on
mere facts of the incredible fatality rate due to smoking and lung
The tobacco industry contributes much to the national economy. Moreover, cancer. It will be good to refer to these very typical issues caused by
smoking brings many psychological benefits to smokers. smoking.
Commented [BB12]: A concise conclusion of your propositions
put forward in the body part.

Criteria Grade Comment Note

ɵ addresses all parts of the task
Task 7 ɵ
ɵ presents a clear position
Achievement throughout the response in a
argument being sufficient in its
content
ɵ presents, extends and supports
main ideas with valid points
although some points are
illustrated not completely
objectively and too subjectively
that it ignores very basic facts
Essay length: 233/250 words –An
insufficient length to keep hence
you need to extend your
argument to another sphere to
lengthen it by mentioning the
demerits of smoking on health,
and pratice in terms of timing is
still encouraged.
ɵ See comment boxes of “Task
response” for further reference.
ɵ
 of the consequences of smoking
ɵ The articulation of ideas needs
to be more flexible
ɵ logically organises information
Coherence and 8 ɵ You may consider using more
and ideas; there is clear advanced academic cohesive
Cohesion progression throughout devices such as
ɵ has a considerable use of “However/Nevertheless/Therefor
linking words between e/Hence/…” or “For example/For
paragraphs within the body part instance/…” to allow flexibility
ɵ use of conjunctive adverbs is ɵ Pay more attention to
adequate between clauses referencing that is in line with the
ɵ presents a clear central topic subjects.
within each paragraph
ɵ uses a basic range of vocabulary
Lexical Resource 6 ɵ Try to use collocations of nouns
to articulate on the question /verbs by looking the nouns up in
given. dictionary and choose an
ɵ Attempts to use academic appropriate adjective/adverb
vocabulary but with very limited that often goes with the
awareness and precision at noun/verb – Ozdic dictionary is
several points an ideal reference resource at
ɵ may produce frequent errors in https://www.ozdic.com/
word forms, word choice and ɵ Pay attention in terms of
spelling that can impede vocabulary use to avoid
communication repetition by using synonyms (as
ɵ application of collocations and suggested in the comment box).
phrasal verbs can be more
varied and appropriate.
ɵ Repetition is still spotted yet on
an acceptable frequency
ɵ uses a minimal mix of basic
Grammatical 6 ɵ Attempt more complex
sentences appropriately and structures more accurately
Range and
Accuracy complex structures with
accuracy.
ɵ attempts complex sentences
that turn out less accurate than
basic ones
ɵ makes a number of basic errors
in grammar, particularly in the
use of article, verb tense, verb
forms, the formation of a clause
and the application of complex
structures in some sentences as
pointed

Overall 6.0 ɵ Presents a standard overall

structure of paragraphing with
 an ideal length
ɵ Your essay presents a balanced
argument with direct personal
opinion.
ɵ explanations are provided to
justify propositions yet
sometimes inadequately
ɵ Makes a number of basic errors
in both grammar and
vocabulary.

 Suggested Paragraph Structure:

1. Introduction:
ɵ Paraphrase the question
ɵ Thesis sentence (I agree/disagree)
ɵ Outline sentence (This essay will discuss…)
2. Body: Use PEEC
 Paragraph 1: PEEC
ɵ Sentence 1: Point (Topic sentence)
ɵ Sentence 2: Explain
ɵ Sentence 3: Extend/Example
ɵ Sentence 4: Conclusion
 Paragraph 2: PEEC
3. Conclusion:
ɵ Summary
ɵ Opinion

 Model Answer:

In the wake of social revolution people now-a-days are increasingly addicted to various drugs in
different forms. Tobacco is one such drug, which is considered to be in the top four of most
addictive drugs. Many believe that owing to its addiction and its treacherous effects on human
body, it should be banned. In apropos of the argument, I am in consummate accord with it and I
believe that consumption of tobacco in any form must be prohibited. This opinion is surrounded
by multiple arguments as below.

To begin with, people are increasingly showing propensity of using tobacco products because of
the change in social structure. In other words, over the years, most of the families have become
nuclear and adults are not under any guidance to be protected from smoking habits. For an
instance, as per a survey in the USA, 70% of the adults have affirmed that they were inclined to
use cigarettes as they did not had anyone at home to guide and show adequate direction. Thus,
the onus is on the government to declare tobacco production and sell as illegal.

In addition, smoking has horrendous repercussion on human body, which is evidently paralyzing
the youth of a nation. In a survey in the USA, 60% of the teenagers have confirmed addiction and
health ailments germinated by such drugs. Admittedly, it is weakening a nation's health index
and consequently, its prosperity. As a result, it is mandatory to ban such drugs to reinvigorate
the health of the denizens.
To sum up, owing to tobacco's addictive features and its adverse effects on human health, it is
imperative that government must interfere and prohibit such drugs to be sold and used.
 Source: http://www.ielts-mentor.com/writing-sample/writing-task-2/1381-ielts-writing-task-2-
sample-378-tobacco-is-a-kind-of-drug-and-it-should-be-illegal-to-use