Kopa felt the muscles in his body.

The night was still

around him. He ran his fingers over his chest and down his
sides. His pleasure stifled only by the force that stifled every
pleasure he felt. He cupped the back of his neck. His room
was menacingly still, perhaps because it was only a room, and
he could not sense anything beyond the four walls. He wished
desperately that he would always maintain a sense of
wideness and opportunity as he had when outside. He turned
and was kneeling and bent over. Looking at his wall upside
down he felt cathartic and a brief rejuvenation. He fantasized
with great intensity of a new start, as he had daily for nearly a
decade. ‘I at least am literally human’ he thought, ‘despite my
emotions’.
Kopa resented nothing greater than his feelings of hope.
They never lasted, and they felt like a vicious game. He felt
like if anything they were a reminder he was to stay exactly
where he was. Long since had they ceased to trick him that
change was possible. He knew it was only through great
courage he could make changes, and it was courage he lacked
the perseverance to find.
He enjoyed the feeling of blankets on his body. He saw
this moment of him huddled in bed as dramatic and poetic, as
he felt he did every moment of his life. He felt it would be
most poetic were it not poetic at all. He felt the highest form
of exaltation was effortless and un-thought about.
He pulled his snapback hat off his head and looked at it
on the floor.
 Kopa rolled over and was on his side. He saw the sky
through his bedroom window and it was blue. Kopa closed
his eyes and fell asleep.
He awoke nearly 2 hours later to an erection. He
positioned his hard cock so it faced straight up and was
pushed between his lower abdomen and the mattress. He
brought his hips up and down rubbing himself on the
mattress.
He reached for his phone. ‘I must make contact in order
to facilitate a sexual experience he thought’ [Sandra] [Hey]
[Message Sending] [Sent] [Alison] [Hey] [Message Sending]
[Sent] [Mary] [yooo whaddup] [Message Sending] [Sent]
[Katy P] [Heyy what’s upp] [Message Sending] [Sent] [Lana]
[Hey] [Message Sending] [Sent]
He brought his hips up and down more as he handled his
phone. As he grew close he pulled his comforter to his cock.
Wrapped inside it, he gripped his balls with one hand as he
rubbed into the comforter. He pushed his cock forwards and
grasped a section of the blanket around it. He noticed himself
whispering under his breath through gritted teeth.
After finishing he lied in complete stillness on his
mattress, but for his chest rising up and down. A few
moments passed, and Kopa turned slowly to his side. He felt
his body uncling from the mattress he sweated directly into.
His sheets had long since been kicked to the foot of the bed.
On his mattress also laid an empty 24 oz. can of Red Bull, a
few receipts, and Kopa’s macbook. Kopa’s walls were bare.
His floor lined with dirty clothes so there was nowhere to step
but ontop of them. Scattered on the clothes were empty white
plastic bags, cans of Nos and monster energy extra strength,
receipts, money, and empty glasses.
Kopa’s family was in the Florida Keys on vacation. Kopa
had declined his invitation as he thought to use his room as a
location to share sexual experiences with others undisturbed.
His body was covered in sweat. His teeth felt horrid from
not brushing for thirty hours, all but the past two spent awake.
‘My mind is plagued by thoughts’ thought Kopa, as the side
of his face stuck to his bed. ‘I am unable to feel clearly’.
The previous night, he had thought of leaving the house
this day, and he was determined to do so. He tightly gripped
the edge of his mattress feeling the ridge in the palm of his
hand. It was seven a.m.
Slowly, Kopa inched his body to the very side of his
mattress. In his mind, thoughts were racing, broken fragments
darting through his consciousness. He was not unusually
worried, just awake and left to himself. Kopa hung off the
edge of his bed and bit the inside of his mouth.
Kopa began to need to go to the bathroom and jerkily got
out of bed. He ran as fast as he could to the kitchen. It was not
that he was extremely hungry, or hungry at all even, this was
simply the way he moved about his house.
He tugged hard on the handle of his refrigerator. He took
out a ziplock bag of cold fried okra. He consumed almost the
entirety of what was in the bag. Kopa put back what was left.
He withdrew an m&m yocrunch and set it on the counter.
He removed the top and the foil from the yogurt and topping
containers. He thought to not lick the foil and throw it away
and he licked the foil. He poured m&ms into the yogurt and
withdrew a silver spoon.
A man stood alone in his house with a container of
yogurt. Kopa returned to the fridge and withdrew a 2 liter
bottle of ginger ale. He poured himself a full glass and then
returned the bottle to the fridge.
Kopa then walked up to his cupboard. He opened it and
lifted a box of Keebler’s Club crackers off the shelf. He ate
several one by one, and then returned the box to the shelf.
Kopa ran to his room to get dressed and leave the house.
‘In order to affect change in my life, I need to be out of the
house’.
He entered his room and saw a shirt at the foot of his bed.
Several hours ago he and Nicola were kissing on Kopa’s bed.
Kopa kicked her out, because he was feeling unsatisfied. He
noticed moments after he kicked her out she had left a shirt
and texted her.
Nicola responded she could come pick it up.
Kopa replied that he could get it back to her.
Nicola then sent a message saying that it was Harper’s
shirt.
Kopa sent back that he would get it back to her or Harper.

Katy Perry is cooking eggs. She chops white onions,

kale, tomato, and red onions to put in her omelet. She has
been texting two of her friends, trying to coordinate plans
around meeting up for the 4th of July that night.
Katy had thought Kopa was attractive, and was confused
why he had never made a move on her or even shown some
initiative, so she lost interest, though she still thought he was
a handsome and somewhat attractive guy.
She saw that she had received a text from Kopa Bear, She
responds.
Kopa picked his phone off of his mattress. [New
Message [Katy P] [Heyy, nothin’ much, what’s up?] Kopa
thought, ‘She’s attractive, but I’m not as attracted to her as
everyone else because I’m not into mainstream attractive girls
and don’t care about boobs.’ [Yoo Nicola left this shirt at my
house]. Kopa ran to his bathroom, sat down on the toilet, and
peed. He continued sitting on the toilet for a long time
afterwards lost in thought. He pulled his pajama pants back to
his waist and ran back to his room. He lifted his phone and
held it in his hand; [I can come by and get it]
Kopa had not anticipated this. He thought of making out
with Katy. [Oh no I was just saying that to be funny it’s cool].
He sat on his bed wearing nothing but a thin pair of pajama
pants, staring at the wall. His phone rested on his bed a foot
away from him. He waited to hear it vibrate again.
[Oh no it’s totally fine, I am driving by your house
anyways]. He brought the shirt with him to the study and
looked out the window down at the street in front of the
house. ‘I’m a rapper’ he thought.
Katy got into her rental car. Her car was being fixed, so
she needed to drive a big ugly silver van. She drove it through
her neighborhood, to Kopa’s house. She parked right outside
his house, got out of her car and walked to the front door. She
lifted her hand to open the screen door and saw the front door
begin to open. She stepped back and saw Kopa’s hairy chest
through the screen door.
She stepped inside and felt the cool air from the A.C.
“Heyyyyyy” said Kopa hesitantly. He stood up on the
staircase after letting her in. He was wearing nothing but a
thin pair of flannel pants which outlined his small cock. She
smelled a harsh stench of body odor. Kopa held himself
nervously, like a smelly stick. His scent was repulsive.
As his eyes scanned up and down her body, she noticed
his long dark eyelashes.
“Hi” said Katy. Kopa smiled widely.
“Yo, you know where da party’s at” he said aggressively.
“I’m gonna try to see the fireworks with”
“With like your crew” Kopa interjected.
“Yeah” said Katy.
“Oh, I guess that is literally where the party’s at” he said
apologetically.
“What are your plans?” she asked.
“I um, are you, do you need to be somewhere now?”
Kopa said quickly.
“Not really, I’m just going to Nicola’s now actually”
“Oh she’s having people over for the fourth?”
“Yeah, I mean just during the day, so not actually”
“Well I mean it is the fourth all day technically”
“Yeah,”
“Sorry” Kopa interrupted.
“Oh and here’s the shirt” Kopa said aggressively passing
it to her.
 “Thanks” said Katy, as she grabbed it and brought it to
her side.
“It’s actually Harper’s I think.”
“Yeah I think Harper is coming too”
“Oh great” Kopa said sharply. “If not I’m sure you
willlll”
“Yeah I will see her sometime.” Katy said.
“Do you hang out with her a lot?”
“Not a lot, but I will”
“And you can at least give it to Nicola”
“Yeah I think Harper said she was going”
“Katy!” Kopa said with a big smile.
As she opened her mouth he said, “How is your
summer?”
“It’s great, just hanging out with friends and working.
What have you been doing this summer?”
“Well I got this open houseee, I’ve been tryna beat and
hanging out with Jason a lot.” He looked very skinny, tired,
and sad. “Yo you should, you and your friends should totally
come to R.J.’s tonight”
“Aww wasn’t invited” Katy said.
“No, it’s not that kind of thing, she said anybody can
come.”
“Oh, well”
“Oh yeah you’re going to the fireworks”
“Yeah”
“Were you gonna go to them early?”
“Yeah I think so”
 “Well you should totally come after I’ll hit you up
tonight”
“Ok”
“Or I guess it’s not really your scene”
“Yeah”
“Ok, so are you going to Nicola’s now?”
“Yeah, I think I’m gonna get food in the center first”
“Word” Kopa took a step towards her. Katy hugged him.
“I don’t know if you wanna hug me” He said gesturing to
his body.
“It’s fine” she said.
“Sorry for the b.o” he said quietly. “Or, you probably
already could smell it.”
“My car is getting fixed so I have to drive this big ugly
silver van” she said as she walked out the door.
“Oh geez” Kopa spoke coldly.
“Good to see you Katy”
“It’s good to see you too”
“Have fun at Nicola’s and have fun tonight” He said
sarcastically.
“Have fun at R.J.’s” she said. Katy walked back to her
big ugly silver van. Kopa watched her from his dining room
window and turned away because he didn’t want to be rude.
‘She looks like Carson Daly’ he thought.
Kopa ran to the kitchen. He then ran upstairs to the
bathroom. He dropped his thin pajama pants to the floor and
turned on the water. He tilted the showerhead all the way
down, and stepped in such that the water would not touch
him. He then stepped out of the shower and ran to his
bedroom. He grabbed his phone and ran back to the
bathroom. He stepped into the edge of the tub again and set
his phone down on a ledge where it would stay somewhat dry.
Kopa squirted what was left of the body wash into his
hand and spread it along his cock. He hardened as he began to
think.
He thought of Lana. He thought of her sitting at the edge
of a bed that he lied in, after having hit his balls many times.
He thought of her punching him once more, before walking
off leaving him there. He thought of her body from behind,
her hair running down her naked back. He remembered the
time she let him grab her butt when they were 12. He thought
of Mary. He thought of him bothering her. Thought of her not
that bothered by him at times. Thought of grabbing her ass.
He thought of Katy standing in his front hallway smiling. He
thought of her being unwaiveringly not awkward. He thought
of kissing her in her car. Thought of Nicola sitting on his bed
that previous night. He thought of himself thinking of this. Of
Nicola straddling and kissing him. He thought of Harper of a
time he saw her turn a corner and her ass looked really big.
He thought of Susan. Of pictures of her on facebook. Of a
picture of her from the side jumping in the air. Of the outline
of her butt wrapped in a wet towel. He thought of Clara, of a
video of her from 6 years ago dancing.
He thought of Princess Ria. Of her videos of kicking a
guy in the balls wearing different outfits. He thought again of
Lana of her swinging kicks at him. As he lied on the floor
looking up at her. Of her ontop of him, bouncing up and down
on his cock. Of her sitting on his face so he could not breathe.
Of Sandra’s ass as she walked upstairs and he looked from
behind. He thought of Vallery lying on a bed underneath the
covers naked. Of her wearing a red dress and heels kicking
him in the balls and again as he lay on the floor. He thought
of his hands cupping her ass as they kissed.
He shook in his shower. He reached for a bottle of
conditioner, and poured it across the length of his rigid cock.
He set the bottle down and rebuilt a lather as he thought of
Vallery holding his balls steady with one hand and punching
them with the other raising her fist above her head. He
reached for his phone and saw he had no responses. He
thought of Mary resting her hands on his shoulders as she
kneed him in the balls. He thought of rubbing his cock on her
ass. He thought of her sitting on his face while punching him
in the balls.
He tensed his legs. He thought again of Mary sitting on
his face. He thought of her telling him she wants to punch
him. He brought his hand all the way down, to where his right
pinky met his inner leg. He thought of Lana telling him she
was going to punch him in the balls. Warning him that she
would if he came. He thought of her sucking his dick while
holding his balls and reminding him she would punch him.
He thought of her sitting on his face sucking his dick as he
grew very hard. He thought of her telling him that...
Kopa dried his left hand on a towel that hung just next to
the tub, and reached for his phone. He looked at it as he
continued to jerk off. He maneuvered the buttons with one
hand, and reached the locked text messages.
 He thought of Nicola again sitting on his bed. He thought
of her punching him in the balls. He thought of fucking
Alexis Texas.
He bent his knees and pointed his cock at the rear wall of
the tub. He shut his eyes as he shot. He tucked in his chin and
cocked his head to the side. He set down his phone. He took a
step to where the water would hit him and cleaned his body.
He turned off the water and grabbed his towel as he left the
tub.
Kopa ran to his room and sat on the edge of his bed. He
had only a towel between his wet naked body, and the
mattress. His mind became of a place it knew. He began in his
mind hearing sounds. Sounds, speaking. He saw. Dreams he
had, people he knew, dreamlike imaginings of his.
It was as if he were having a waking dream. He became
fully transfixed on the contents of his own mind. He sat; in an
uncomfortable slouched position without the thought of will,
his body slowly drying.
Kopa felt himself gliding back into a darker world. He
felt an arch made of two right angles looming behind him,
and himself shrinking as the arch expanded. Kopa pushed his
fingers against his closed eyelids and saw teal patterns in
darkness. Thin jagged circles moving away from a point, like
ripples from where a stone broke water. He pictured shapes
and he saw them. He let his mind slide through dreams, and
things he’d seen in video games. He had past memories push
in. Then he saw things he had not seen, ever in his life.
Constructions of color and shape, moving. he heard sounds
loudly in his mind. Full songs, solos and chord changes, no
disruptions, complex flutters decipherable. He thought,
‘I will never live up to what I possess. I have a constant
access to uncreatable art. I choose never to think of this. My
greatest gift. The marijuana does nothing. I’ve had this since I
was born and I always knew exactly who I was.’’
Kopa’s mind trailed off. ‘I need my life to be more
enjoyable. Obviously being totally logical about it is stupid. I
actually need to be better towards others. I need to love
myself before I can love others. There is stuff I could actually
deal with, but I am too nervous to deal with that. One step at a
time. I can stand up. If I make a change it needs to happen in
this moment. I have been able to make big changes in the
past. Right now, my situation asks for different changes. I
hear these thoughts come on repeat. I have to ask questions. I
have everything. I should be feeling better now.’
Kopa leaned back and picked up his computer. He set it
beside him and opened it. [facebook] [notifications] [Lana]
[Susan] [Mary] [Alison] [Clara] [google images] [amanda
steele ass] [alexis texas ass] [youtube] [Vlad TV] [Steve-O]
[Steve-O the early years] [Steve-O on Adam Carolla] [Mitch
Hedberg on Howard Stern] [facebook] [TYT] [DJ Vlad]
[itunes] [facebook] [twitter] [mp3skull] [beemp3] [inside the
actors studio] [Kevin Pollak Chat Show] [Vimeo] [Stephen
Tobolowsky power of pictures] [wikipedia] [imdb] [Amanda
Steele ballbusting] [google images Amanda steele] [princess
ria C4S] [ballbustingtube] [amanda steele] Kopa sat on his
bed, his laptop beside him. [facebook] [youtube] [Steve
Wilkos] [GG Allin] [Marilyn Manson] [Charles Manson]
[4chan] [/b] [gore] [Worldstarhiphop] [youtube] [vice]
[Britney Spears Jackass] [Toxic] [google] [gmail] [Erin Bree
(images added within 2.5 months)] [erin bree ballbusting]
[google] [google images] [alexis texas femdom] [amanda
steele] A man sat on a sweat soaken mattress in doors on a
beautiful day [google images] [Amanda steele ballbusting]
[erin bree butt drop ballbusting] [amanda steele google
images] Kopa sat waiting. [Luke where dem hoes at] [Luke]
[Tom Green Steve-O] [PCP Saved My Life] [Koyaanisqatsi]
[netflix] [Holy Mountain] [Flex Chris Cunningham]
[Raekwon DJ Vlad] [Trapped in the Closet episode 11]
[Eminem and Elton John] [Trapped in the Closet live] [Will
Smith Switch Kids Choice Award] [(Rick Roll)] [Ray William
Johnson] [Avatar make-up tutorial] [Seth Green Wikipedia]
[Andy Dick Wikipedia] [US soldier shoots puppy] [ Cerebral
Palsy Last Comic Standing] [Britain’s got talent] [The
Marriage Ref] [Larry David Planet Earth] [Netflix] [How I
Met Your Mother] [(no results for kink)] [(no results for
bdsm)] [hsmemes.com] [Come To Daddy Aphex Twin]
[Funny Little Man] [Bucephalus Bouncing Ball] [Ageispolis
Aphex Twin] [Linebounder] [Curve Ball] [Bubble Shooter]
[facebook] [neopets solitaire] [tickld] [Game Theory
wikipedia] [buzzfeed] [zip] [adfly] [mediafire] [megaupload]
[“watch movies”] [“stream”] Kopa searched for a reason he
had began using the computer. [facebook] [no new
notifications] [What’s on your mind?] [BRING THE
RUCKUS TO THAT ASS LARRY]
Kopa thought ‘If I just say everything I feel, no one can
hurt me. If I am everything in this way, people won’t see the
places which I am not.’ ‘I come to nothing through the
internet. If I use the internet for something, I need intention
first. And I only find inspiration in the outside world.’ Kopa
shut his laptop triumphantly. He stood up and was completely
dry. He picked up a pair of thick green and navy blue plaid
pajama pants off the floor underneath the foot of his bed and
stepped into them.
Off a pile of other clothes Kopa picked up a thick brown
hoodie, and dawned it, zipping it halfway. He thought himself
‘bonofied.’ ‘Like a premier vagabond.’ In his mind he used
words he did not know the meaning of like “bono fide” or
“vagabond”. He meant “cool”, but could not bring his heart to
admit so. He took off the sweatshirt it being far too hot to
wear one.
Off the seat of his chair he grabbed his white zip-up
hoodie and fit his arms through the sleeves. He zippered it up
all the way. He then reached for his wallet off his nightstand
and put it in his pocket. He sat on his bed such that his back
was straight against the bare wall that met his bed’s side and
brought his computer to his lap. ‘wall furnished room’ he
thought. Kopa stared at a computer while slouched against
the wall that met his putrid bed. He shut the top of the laptop
down and stood up.
At once running out of his room and down the stairs, he
jumped before the last three hoisting himself with the railing.
He turned a sharp corner and darted to the kitchen. He poured
himself a glass of ginger ale which he drank at once. Kopa
liked ginger.
 Kopa thought again of leaving the house. He ran back to
his room and opened his laptop. He felt ‘exalted’ with the
laptop beside him. ‘As if this odd image were art’. He thought
of himself as art. Kopa Bear sat alone in his room on a
beautiful day. [facebook] [notifications] [(feed)] [(his profile)]
[(his wall)] [Vallery Wales] [(photos)] [(187 photos)] [Lana
Marsh] [(247 photos)] [Mary Tommins] [(468 photos)]
[XNXX]. Kopa saw the likeness of a butt. At first glance he
would not think it appealed to him more than the other crap
that is always on the main page. He took a second glance and
took it the butt must truly be that shape. The screenshot was
up close of a standing butt in decent light. He clicked to view
the vanilla porn video of an actor other than the few he
frequented.
From the computer: “What’s your name?” “I’m Mara
Swan.” “And how old are you Mara” “I’m 20 years old”.
He looked at his screen and thought. What he saw was
instantly apparent to him, though he could not quite classify
what it was. What he perceived so simple he couldn’t define
it.
Kopa saw the likeness of her face smiling and saw a
wisdom in her expression. He saw a fearlessness in her eyes.
He saw an actor treating their performance with sarcasm, and
he saw a person.
She spoke genuinely, as someone would were they not in
this context. She treated the scene with a positive attitude and
did so not begrudgingly in any way. She did not mask her
pleasure.
 She was beautiful, and treated her performance with no
sense of professionalism. She looked like someone living her
life.
Kopa’s intention changed from his arousal to discovering
exactly what it was he saw before him. He thought of artists
who challenged their mediums. This blew them out of the
water. She stood smiling, as a person would.
He thought to himself, ‘She would want me.’ ‘I know it’.
‘And I would not fear approaching her.’ ‘If she turned me
down it would be for her lack of confidence alone.’
He finished watching a video of her being interviewed,
and tried to think of ‘what it was he always thought of’. Kopa
closed his computer and lied down on his bed. Kopa rubbed
the top of his cock underneath his pajama pants. Though not
fully hard his cock lay enlarged. He brought his hand down
the back of his pants and picked at his asshole hairs. He felt
for shit and pulled out clumps of hair with dried shit stuck to
them. He discarded the hairs. They landed on pieces of
clothing that lined his floor. Kopa thought of leaving the
house.
He turned onto his side and looked out his bedroom
window. He pressed his face to the wall beside it, and it felt
cold on his skin. He looked at the wall and noticed his vision
was blurred. He saw blurriness superimposed on everything.
He wished he could feel the wall was actually there and
could affect him emotionally. He wished he felt an ownership
of his self and of his life. Kopa felt ‘exaltation’. He thought,
‘I literally cannot leave until the will to do so overcomes me.’
‘Have I not the will it is impossible.’ ‘I have not the will’.
 He sat up and looked at the wall across from him. ‘I
cannot succumb to this stupid corporate bullshit, mainstream,
doing things without thinking about them everyone is so
fucking stupid. Though when I am a tease I find joy. I know I
am wild in overthinking.’ His eyes followed the molding that
met the ceiling. He counted the squares and rectangles in his
door, and looked through the doorway to the banister before
the stairway.
He got up and walked to his doorway. He brought a leg
over the banister and placed his heel on the inch of floor that
extended beyond the banister. He then brought over his other
leg and stretched his arms to the wall across the stairs leaning
forwards. He suspended himself a few moments extended
above a 10 foot drop to the stairway. He ‘thought himself
exalted’ in this position.
He got back on the proper side of the railing and walked
back to his bed. ‘I’m so fucking afraid of dying’, Kopa
remembered when he was so afraid of dying. He opened his
laptop [facebook] [aljazeera] [google images] [Amanda
Steele ballbusting] [Amanda Steele femdom] [Amanda Steele
bdsm] [Amanda Steele fetish] [Amanda Steele kink]
[Amanda Steele punch in the balls] [Amanda Steele kick]
[Amanda Steele hit] [Princess Ria] [clipsforsale] [amanda
steele] [ballbustingtube] [amandasteele] [facebook] [Mary
Tommins] [Profile Pics] [gmail] [youtube] [sunn] [Vsauce]
[Seth Mcfarlane] [MarioKart] [ERBH] [European Graduate
School] [wikihow] [9gag] [cuteoverload] [formspring] He
thought, ‘I can attain this ultimate feeling of living in the
moment and perpetuate it, if I so will myself’.
 Kopa arose and ran to shut off the lights. He ran back to
his room to put on shoes and socks. He found his brown Reef
flip flops underneath the foot of his bed. He sat a moment on
his bed, and then without thought, perked upright, and bolted
down the stairs to the kitchen.
He looked through his fridge. Kopa opened the cheese
drawer and withdrew a sole slice of Sargento Medium
Cheddar cheese. He pulled off the square of paper and set it
on the counter. He ate the slice of cheese.
Kopa ‘felt exalted in his gesture’.‘And when the man was
all alone: he sadly ate a piece of cheese.’. He poured himself
a glass of apple cider, and drank a can of pepsi.
He sat down at his kitchen table and thought hard to
himself, ‘I am unhappy with where I am at, so I must take
steps to get to this place. I have learned this happens through
action, although I need at least some thought to get to action’
A man sat motionless in a chair at his kitchen table ‘we feel
good about our attitudes about things, my mind is my
problem, deep down inside I truly love myself as I had found
before,’ He stretched his back and attempted to fix his
posture, but forgot moments later. ‘I will get out of the house,
as I will find nothing inside, though I have found things
through the internet. Everything that has worked for me in the
past I have come to through using the internet. I will try just
for this moment to be happy, I don’t appreciate what I have
here now enough.’ Kopa tried hard to will himself to feel a
deep inner peace. His efforts neither satisfied him in their
success nor their failure, ‘I’m not actually that upset, I have
fun sometimes’. Kopa thought again about leaving the house.
He felt frustrated it having gotten so late. His body moved
slowly. He sat at his kitchen table literally just looking at the
room. He thought;
‘There is this feeling I have experienced only a few
times. I feel as though I am a person. I had this feeling all the
time as a child. I feel as though things truly exist and my
actions matter. I wish I could feel this all the time, but am
afraid. When I start to feel it, I get afraid and push it away.
My life is worth nothing when I don’t have this feeling.’
‘I felt it first, the first time I got high, and then I pushed it
away. Every choice in my life since then has been about
returning to this feeling.’
‘I must make choices in my life that lead me towards
feeling this feeling, though it is something I can access at any
moment, have I the confidence.’
‘I speak to myself as though I am speaking to somebody
else. I have a constant monologue in my head that goes
nowhere. I am constantly trying to explain something to
myself. Trying to explain something that does not exist.’
‘I have access in my mind to this completely separate
universe. When I go there I am stuck there for days. It is like I
am dreaming while I am awake. My dreams are so much
more beautiful and complex than other people’s when they
describe them.’
‘I cannot picture what my face looks like.’
‘I just want things to be normal again.’
Kopa moved his big toes rubbing them against the ones
beside them.
 ‘I have this persisting problem. Something doesn’t feel
right. Something always doesn’t feel right.’ Kopa got up from
the table and ran to each room of the house to shut off any
lights that were on. He hurried to the front door.
Kopa felt he had all his stuff ready. Wallet in left pocket,
he ran back upstairs and got his phone from the bathroom. He
hurried back down stairs to the door. He stood alone in the
front entryway of his house. He thought ‘he was a
masterpiece of trashy self individualistic culture.’ He stepped
outside thinking he felt undeniably different from how he did
when inside the house. He jostled down the steps and turned
to the right down the sidewalk.
Outside it was a beautiful day. The air was warm. It was
an overwhelming sensation to stand in such weather. There
was bright sunshine and a very light breeze. Pollen flowed
through the air.
He arrived at a 24 hour convenient store and walked right
inside. Stood for a moment in front of the drink section. The
halogen lights annoyed and comforted him. The man behind
the counter looked trippy and upset. Kopa felt worried and a
love. “Is that all?”. Kopa gave him his card, and was told to
swipe the card on the machine directly in front of him. Kopa
exited with his bag of buffalo blue cheese combos and two 24
oz. cans of Red Bull.
Kopa stepped down from the curb outside the 24 and
walked the length of the parkinglot. He headed for the far
corner which met a chain linked fence. The lot was nearly
empty, and where he walked towards there were no cars at all.
 He sat down on a cement bumper and set his white
plastic bag beside him, such that his cans wouldn’t fall on
their sides. He withdrew the bag of blue cheese combos and
slowly consumed the entirety of it’s contents.
As he ate his mind wandered off in thought. Kopa went
to check his phone and realized it was dead. He had left his
charger at home. He noticed people walking in and out of the
store. He stretched his legs out before him and felt pavement
against his heels.
From the convenient store parking lot Kopa saw the
highway. Kopa threw the combos bag back in the white
plastic bag, picked it up, and continued to walk.
He walked across the parking lot back to the sidewalk.
He came to a shopping plaza. He saw before him (Panera
Bread). As he entered the restaurant he looked down at the
button over his crotch. He ordered a Chipotle Chicken
Sandwich on Asiago focaccia with bread, and a strawberry
smoothie. He grabbed the plastic square as it was handed to
him and continued through the restaurant. He quickly sat
down at a booth and set his Red Bulls on the edge of the table
against the wall.
His square began to vibrate and Kopa walked
immediately towards the counter. He dropped his vibrating
square in the basket where they went. Kopa lifted his tray off
the counter and set it down at his booth. He then walked to
the bathroom. After peeing, he came back and found his food
was as he had left it.
Kopa pushed the sandwich into his mouth. He felt his
pointy teeth bite through the crisp bread and remembered the
feeling of the soft meat and cheese inside. He took a sip of
sugary smoothie and felt eased. He took a large bite of his
hunk of bread and set the rest back on the table.
On the speakers played an instrumental jazzy cover of
“Come Together”. Kopa held the nearly empty large plastic
container in his hand a moment as he sucked the last remnants
of smoothie from the bottom of the cup. He then picked at his
plate to consume the last bits of melted cheese and crumbs.
He scraped his fingers on the spots where food stuck until the
plate was spotless. He sat, full, and held his empty plastic cup
in his hand a moment.
He then brought his empty tray to an empty space atop a
trash container and threw away his cup and straw. He carried
his white plastic bag with him out the back door.
From there he walked several miles. He soon left the
shopping plaza and through several residential areas made
way to a busy four lane road. He walked alongside it, though
there was no sidewalk. Brush from his right side brushed
against him as he walked; he began walking quite cautiously.
Eventually the brush became so dense he could no longer
walk alongside this road.
Cars whipped by above the 45 mph speed limit and Kopa
walked in the narrow biker lane. On the road, Kopa kept from
the tBearic lane, though cars gave plenty of room, crossing
into the wrong lane and back many yards ahead of him. The
brush from the side of the road stuck into the biker’s lane. As
Kopa walked he thought to himself.
Kopa thought him to be exalted as he walked along the
busy road. ‘He felt it grand to be walking with no
destination.’ He thought it grand to be walking with no set
destination. He noticed that he thought this and again noticed
his noticing.
‘Ok I’m not actually thinking. On a deeper level, I am
noticing that I am in my life right now. I literally have
experienced this change before. Everything looks more 3D.
The greys in the sidewalk are more blue. Things look like
they are actually there. I actually feel my emotions. That’s all
I want. I don’t need to feel happy. I just need to feel my
emotions in the first person.’
At one point the biker’s lane disappeared completely and
Kopa was forced to walk atop the brush alongside the road.
He considered walking in the road, but thought otherwise.
The road ran along a large patch of woods that stretched for
miles in every direction. Kopa had spent time in these woods
before, though not along the part where he was at currently.
The brush settled down again and Kopa would walk
comfortably on the grass and mud just next to the curb out of
the road. Along his right ran a short and rusted fence that
consisted of three fat metal bars running horizontally from
post to post.
Beside him came an endpoint in the fence and a pathway
leading down before another fence began. Kopa had intended
to walk this road as far as he could. He thought not to enter,
and entered. He figured he could simply come back to the
road when he had spent enough time in the woods.
He turned and passed through the metal fences, and felt
roots underneath his flip flops. He descended into the woods,
his white plastic bag swinging wildly with each step. When
he reached the bottom he saw trees expanded before him.
These woods had tall trees filled with leaves. The land was
ever changing in formation with hills of every shape and size.
There lay fallen leaves, twigs, and small rocks on the ground.
Large rocks arose from it as did small weeds and bushes.
Kopa stepped over roots and heard fallen branches crack
beneath his feet.
He huffed along. He marched. The area was densely
wooded at points, but there were always more open patches to
walk through. He heard the whir of cars back on the highway
behind him as he stumbled up a rocky slope.
Kopa trekked on enjoying the rich smells of being in
nature. He loved the diversity of shapes and colors, and
thought minimally of his ability to recognize and articulate.
‘The woods had Kopa feeling altogether different’ thought
Kopa. He carried on a while lost in the world.
He came upon a bench-like rock and sat down. He set his
white plastic bag of cans of RedBull beside him. Kopa felt
inspired by uneven surface under his butt. His legs pressed
together – toes awkwardly gripped his Reef flip flops. He
clicked them to his heels with his toes, and then let them slide
off a little bit. He looked down and saw patterns of light and
darkness on sticks and fallen leaves refracted by the branches
above him. He remarked at there being no proper direction for
him to look or turn towards. No proper things at all.
He felt the air on his skin and felt as useless as anything
else. Unafflicted by the trauma which drove his narrow life.
He saw himself not as a stain on the ground, but for his flops,
hoodie, and pjs. He felt neither male nor female.
 He noticed a million disparate sounds, each emanating
from a separate location flung in all different directions. So
for him to think, he thought, that where he sat, was where it
was intended for one to listen from, was a great folly indeed.
He was unused to this sensation, but felt surprisingly pleased
to be disarmed of any sense of importance at all. How he
wished he would weep at moments such as this one. But the
tears never did show.
America is a fucking milkyway he thought. ‘It doesn’t
taste good at all.’ ‘North Korea only scares me because that’s
the way I feel. When people start to piss me off it’s because
that’s the way I feel. And when I feel alone it’s because that’s
the way they feel.’ Kopa sat still staring at the trees before
him. Layered on a hill ascending high to the clouds.
He thought nothing of what he saw before him. Not of
the lake of green nor the sky that met it’s head. He sat
waiting, and as he was about to declare this his favorite
activity he corrected himself saying he hated not having
something to do.
He felt a nervousness come over his body as he thought
of Mara again. He felt a presence of himself in the woods. He
breathed a bit heavier as he kept walking. He began to debate
jerking off in the woods, knowing the debate would ensue
regardless of if he did or not. He felt a flash of the thought of
her in his mind. He thought of masturbating and felt aroused.
He was aroused feeling she personally controlled his
actions. He thought of her knowing he was overcome with
emotion at the thought of her. He saw in his mind an image of
her smile, and thought ‘(her ass)’ without picturing it. He
knew it would happen.
He found a tree and brought his cock out the hole in the
front of his pajama pants. It was extended and fat. He spat the
spit he’d been salivating since the thought of her into his right
palm.
He began thinking of her standing before him. He
thought of her in the turquoise tank she wore in the video he
had watched earlier. He thought ‘of himself as ridiculous
jerking off in the woods’. He felt an ease in arousment being
in a new location.
His hair brushed the tree as he leaned forwards. He
looked down and saw his left fist clenching his nuts. He
thought of Mara punching them hard, and kneeing them with
her bare knee wearing bulky white shorts that hid ‘her having
a nice ass.’ Kopa felt so excited. He felt heat in his abdomen.
Horniness coming over him in waves. His thoughts harsh and
sharp. He continually looked around scouting for people.
He thought of Mara. He thought of her as he saw her as
video. He saw her smile her eyes shining at him. Her teeth.
He felt a heat. ‘(Her body)’. He brought his hand up and
down his hardening cock. His fat cock rigid as he brought his
pinky to the base of it where it met his body, feeling pubic
hairs on the side of his hand. He imagined her in skinny tight
pants, himself bringing himself to her. Them standing against
one another bodies barely touching. He thought of him
bringing his hand around her body cupping her ass, their faces
pressed together, her smiling. He thought of her blonde hair
and her topless ontop of him. He thought of her looking down
as she rode him. Her ass hitting the tops of his thighs. He saw
her mouth. He thought of her standing naked. He saw her legs
walking. He thought of her meeting him as she stood and he
lay on the floor. He saw her swing her foot against his
testicles. He saw her smile as her strike brought him great
pain. He saw her laugh as he bent over in agony and walk off
as he writhed. He thought of her punching his testicles
repeatetively threatening to punch harder if he made a sound.
He thought of her standing atop him using her full body
weight to crush his balls. He thought of her sucking his dick
while squeezing his testicles. He thought of her threatening to
punch him if he touched her ass and saying the words “I am
going to hit you in the balls” he thought of her bringing a kick
directly to them and watching him fall over in pain. He
thought of her kneeing him repetitively her bare knee
bringing his naked testicles against his body. He thought of
her flicking and slapping his balls, deriving pleasure from the
pain he took. He thought of her smiling as he moaned. He
thought of her wearing heels and threatening to kick him. He
thought of her in a dress and high heels dictating he could not
touch her lest he be punched in the balls. He saw his cum drip
down the tree trunk.
He heard then someone coming. He saw a man, far away,
neither looking nor heading towards him. He heard a flute and
saw he was playing it and skipping. Kopa quickly got his
cock back in his pants. When he looked up he saw the man
was no longer skipping nor playing.
Kopa quickly grabbed a leaf from the ground and wiped
cum off the tree as best he could.
 Kopa picked the white plastic bag of RedBulls off the
ground and turned to the side. He thought the irony funny of
‘me feeling embarrassed jerking off thinking I’m alone, and a
man skipping playing the flute thinking he’s alone.’
He thought the entire experience ‘exalted’ and telling-
worthy, though it ‘is one I can’t share’, as it revealed him
jerking off in the woods. He noticed he had to poop and
walked now back towards the road.
He carried on for a long time. He saw a building in the
distance.
He reached a Crowne Plaza Hotel and made his way
through the enormous parking lot. Walking between cars and
over cement dividers.
He eventually made it underneath the awning and
stepped inside the automatic rotating doors.
He stepped out of the rotating doors into the lobby. He
turned left down a hallway which led to bathrooms. He
walked alongside an event hall, and heard “Beautiful Girls”
by Sean Kingston playing loudly from it.
He eventually reached the bathroom and walked inside.
Kopa entered a stall and took a shit. After wiping his asshole
and blow drying his hands, he walked back towards the door.
He walked back towards the front door and noticed the
event hall entrance. He saw there was a barmitzvah party.
Kopa turned his head to look inside. Tables had high
decorative centerpieces. Streamers and deflated neon green,
bright orange, and purple blow up saxophones strewn about.
Groups of children standing in tiny black suits and all colors
of dresses. He saw a group of girls dancing in dresses and
high heels. They waved their arms and swung their hips,
dancing in a tight circle. They gestured shooting themselves
in the head when the lyric “suicidal” played of the song.
They let their heads fall away from their hands to gesture
being killed by the shot. Kopa felt uncomfortable and turned
to leave the hotel.
Kopa stepped back outside, stood a moment underneath
the front awning, and heard people to his right. A lawn
extended alongside the hotel. On it he saw an elderly woman
on her side in the grass. Either one of her hands were being
held by two men Kopa’s age pulling her to her feet. He heard
her saying “thank you”.
Kopa continued through the parking lot and all the way
home.
When Kopa re-entered his house he headed directly to
the fridge. He opened it, set his white plastic bag of RedBulls
on a shelf in it, closed it, and walked right back out the door.
Kopa sat on the front steps looking at the house in front
of him. He got up and walked across the street. He turned
around and then walked along that sidewalk a few houses
down. He crossed back to his side of the street and walked
back up his front steps and inside his house.
‘Call mom’ He thought. He went to the refrigerator and
withdrew a container of trader joe’s mucho mango juice and
poured himself a glass. He brought the glass upstairs with him
and set it on the nightstand in his room. He began to search
for his phone charger. When he found it he plugged it into the
wall, his phone, and waited.
 [missed call] [2 new messages] [Mary] [nmu] [Sandra]
[Hey Kopa!! What’s upp??] Kopa saw they had responded
shortly after he sent the text messages. It was another call
from his mother. Kopa felt guilty and called.
[~(Phone Ringing)~]
“Hello” a formal voice answered.
“Hey mom”.
“Hi Murray”, Kopa’s mother answered very exuberantly.
“How are you?!”
“I’m good” Murray answered.
“That’s good!”. “How has is been?”
“It’s great, I’ve been getting a lot of work done.”
“That’s great!” His mother said brightly with sadness.
“Yeah, how’s the trip?” Kopa’s mother responded at
length. “That’s awesome, I actually have to go now” Kopa
lied, “but we’ll talk more soon”
“Oh that’s fine” said Kopa’s mother sweetly. “ I love you
Murray.” She spoke emphatically. Kopa was caught hearing
her emphasize the word “love” as though she were making
sure he would not mishear her.
“Love you too mom, ok bye.”
“Ok, bye Murray”.
“I love you” He repeated in his head afterwards. Kopa
resumed thinking. Kopa sat on his bed staring for a moment
without a thought in his head. A man sat in his bedroom
alone. [7:34]. Kopa did not want to go to R.J.’s party. He
thought to wear a hat for the party. He bent over to grab his
snapback cap off the floor. He grabbed his white plastic bag
of RedBulls from the fridge and walked out the door.
 It was now dark. Kopa headed down his street walking to
R.J.’s party. He turned the corner at the end of his street and
began walking up a slight hill.
“Kopa Bear!” A deep voice yelled from a white sedan.
“What’s up homie?” A man with scraggly black hair and a big
grin said.
“Steve!”
“What’s up bro need a lift”
“Ummmmm”
“Get in man!”
Kopa walked around to the back seat. “Oh hey I didn’t
even see that was you.”
“It’s all good man.” A smiling man with a bowl cut
turned around from the passenger seat extending a hand to
Kopa.
“What have you guys been up to”.
With excitement Braden answered “We actually just finished
working on some beats”
“Oh word!” Kopa attempted to sound exuberant though
he liked their music.
“Yeah man.”
“I can’t wait to hear it.”
“Dude yeah we’ll let you know when the album’s
dropping.”
“Word”.
“What do you have there?! Oh RedBull! No I’m good
man” Braden said as Kopa offered him some. Soon the three
of them pulled up to the house.
 Kopa exited the car without saying a word. He made a
straight path away from the vehicle and saw neither Braden
nor Steve for the rest of the night.
Kopa walked at first through the crowds pretending to be
going to meet someone. When groups of people saw him they
hollered “Kopa Bear!” with great excitement.
The air was warm and pleasant. The house was
enormous. Before it extended a massive driveway and lawn.
Pockets of people garnished. A few sat in a hammock that
several more stood around. A table and some couches were
nearly full on the side porch. 60’s and 70’s hits played over
Bose speakers pointed outdoors perched behind an upstairs
bedroom window. “Dancing in the Moonlight! Everybody!”.
Kopa thought, ‘This is the party I always think of when I
think I’m not having fun because I am alone, or because it’s
not a party.’
Kopa continued walking through all parts of the front
lawn.
“Where’s your son Kopa Bear?!” A man yelled. Kopa
began speaking with a group of people sitting in folding
chairs.
“Where is my son?!” Kopa responded.
“Skyrim!”
“Skin!”
“Dude totes legit though”
“Oh surrrre mush”
“Fuckin’ americans”
“Have you seen that chick do Cat Daddy?” Kopa was
asked.
 “Kate Upton!” Another person called.
“Yeah, Kate Upton, have you seen it?”
“Noo” said Kopa.
“Dude you havee to, it’s the hottest thing you’ll ever
see.”
“Ohh man” Kopa said. He thought ‘Women are not
objects.’ He felt repulsed and uncomfortable.
Kopa excused himself shortly after, and walked to the
large grey plastic tables with food. Most of it had been picked
through. He made himself a plate of some cold lasagna and a
few potato chips. He looked over and saw at the end of the
tables there were bottles of alcohol and solo cups. Kopa
poured his second RedBull into a cup and then poured Ketel
One Vodka. He thought of himself as someone completely
different from other figures he saw as “self”. He dropped his
empty cans and white plastic bag in a trash bag tied to the
table leg.
Kopa picked his nose and threw the dried mucus on the
ground. He took large sips from his cup as he walked. He
began to pass by an 8 year old girl sitting alone underneath a
tree. They held their mouth up to their iTouch and sang softly
into it “ooh ahh ahh ching chang walla walla bing bang”.
‘If I’m eating, that’s normal’ Kopa thought, finding
nobody he wanted to be around. He quickly finished both his
plate of food and his drink, and returned to the table. ‘These
are the people I know’, Kopa thought, ‘These are the friends I
tell myself I have when I feel lonely’. ‘This is the place I wish
I was when I’m at a punkhouse show or a college’. And ‘This
is the ideal scenario to hook up with a girl’.
Kopa looked down at his feet.
He dropped his empty cardboard plate and plastic fork in
the trashbag, and poured into his cup the remnants of a handle
of tequila.
Kopa walked up to the enormous house. He reached the
flimsy screen door and pulled. He entered the house. The
smell of incense and weed permeated the air. There was a
kitchen that extended nearly the width of the right side of the
house. A few sat around a table drinking wine, eating plates of
food they had cooked. The counter was lined with mason jars.
Some were empty or had water or alcohol, others were used
for loose herbs. There hung a photorealistic painting of Miles
Davis. A trumpet hung on pegs over a tall window. A few
dogs and cats roamed around. At the end of the kitchen there
were windows out to a backyard, and a few upholstered chairs
just before the windows. Kopa had seen people sit
comfortably in those chairs a previous night. He had no seat
and felt uncomfortable. Kopa entered slowly, surveying the
entrance for shoes. He continued in. He headed straight for
the chairs.
“Kopa!”
“Megan what’s up?”
“Hi!”
Kopa smiled.
“I totally have to leave now, but it’s great that you’re
here!”
“Yeah!”
Kopa saw her smile fade as they passed. He noticed a
figure leaning against the island.
 He continued to the chairs against the wall and had a
seat. Before him was the back of the island. A woman leaned
against it, standing alone. Kopa brought his phone to his line
of vision.
Kopa looked at her from his chair. She was facing the
opposite direction. He continued to watch her. Kopa looked at
her. He looked over to his left and extensively studied the
shape of the cabinets.
He looked back and saw a man stood next to her.
“Yo is that a tampa bay hat?”
“Yeah” Kopa smiled suddenly.
“The colors is great on that one, but then I saw the
numbers on the front and that really did it for me.”
“Thanks man”
“What’s your name man?”
“I’m Kopa Bear”
“Oh word, man what the fuck?” Brandon laughed. “I
shoulda known man my bad, shit I’m kinda buzzed right
now”
“It’s cool” Kopa said.
“I’m sure you know who I am then.”
“Yes Lil B”
“Ey man dats what’s up, that’s what’s up.” Kopa clutched
his extended hand, banking Brandon would not notice the
dried semen in his drunken stupor. “And oh shit this right
here is”
“Hi!” The person next to him said to Kopa Bear.
“Hi!” said Kopa like a salesperson.
 “I’m Belle”. She seemed to have nothing to do with the
space around her. She was not extraordinary. Kopa felt
dwarfed by her moral demeanor. He felt at once he could
neither keep up nor, or he thought he saw someone who never
changed from their childhood state of trust, care, and decency
towards others. He felt it easy to remain composed as he
glazed over all his emotions. In her eyes though, he saw a
place of sweet certainty unafflicted by the prisonous depths of
hype culture and fear. He felt heat rising a moment and settled
them at once, proclaiming
“Kopa Bear”. He disappeared. She smiled appropriately,
and turned back to a more comfortable position. Her back was
to him, and he sat on a chair in a loud bright room holding a
cellphone and he stared directly at it.
Belle spoke brightly and cheerfully, her eyes sparkling
with sight. She shared her love of Larry David, “I love Larry
David”, her love of pizza, “I love pizza”, and her love of
going on camping trips with her family. Her intelligence,
surpassed only by her not pretending to care about things that
don’t matter. She had been babysitting all day and was very
tired.
She had met Brandon just that night and was speaking at
length to him. A chubby man with curly brown hair walked
up to the two of them holding a beer, with a lei around his
neck smiling.
“This weirdo hasn’t ever watched Curb Your
Enthusiasm!” Belle proclaimed. “I love Curb!” The chubby
man said leaning back, pulling his drink to his chest. Belle
laughed. “It’s not that I don’t like to watch it, I just don’t
really like watching TV.” Brandon said. “Yeah, same for me”
Belle said agreeing. The chubby man was called for, gestured
with his beer to Brandon and Belle, and walked off to meet
his friend.
There was a shout from outdoors. Everyone in the room
turned to the window. Kopa turned pretending to be
concerned. Belle realized it was not from someone in danger
and Brandon did shortly after. Kopa caught her glance as she
turned back, and his expression was met by her small smile.
Belle and Brandon resumed talking. They spoke fifteen
more minutes as Kopa scrolled through the entirety of his
contacts. He began to eavesdrop again hearing Lil B speak.
“What is it that stops us from ending our lives, people do
it every day.” “What is knowledge, but something to keep us
from truth?”
“What do you mean by truth?!” said Belle.
“Truth, meaning that we can pick up a gun and pull the
trigger. Truth meaning that guys like me and Kopa can
establish a huge following without even having malicious
intentions. The way it works is already spelled out,
knowledge is just an excuse for negativity. Truth is if you’ve
got property and then you complain about homelessness in
your community. You say it’s a symptom of society, but
society exists about as much as the based god. We all living
here, look at you”
Kopa sat still, not noticing the wonder in his eyes. He
was having the weird sensation of seeing someone in person
you have seen many videos of times ten. You forget how
much film distorts an image, by displaying it exactly as it is.
Lil B leaned in towards Belle, “but fuck it” he said warmly
and let out a gay little laugh. ‘His smile so warm’ thought
Kopa, ‘no not warm, happy, that’s the word, like a real smile’.
“So like everything is obvious, but we just don’t want it
to be” Sandy said wide eyed. Lil B picked his beer off the
table and took another sip. Kopa studied the amount he
swallowed, and thought ‘that’s how big of a sip you’re
supposed to take’.
Kopa looked down at his phone. He continued looking a
second time through his contacts. He looked up and Belle
stood alone looking to her right. Kopa looked away and sat
still. He looked back, and she had not moved. Kopa closed his
cellphone and held it in his lap. He looked at his legs. Kopa
took his phone and put it in his pocket as he quietly stood up.
Slowly, he approached the island, nearing Belle’s left side.
Kopa stood tall. He continued to stand beside her.
Belle readjusted her position and Kopa headed for the
door. He pushed open the flimsy door to the front yard.
He marched down the front lawn avoiding any eye
contact. His drink spilling onto his hand as he hopped down
the ledge to the sidewalk. He stormed off through the black
night. He hurried by streetlights and intersections sauntering
in the middle of the road.
He thought then to find a CVS where he could charge his
phone and then return to the party. He began looking for a
bush to hide his drink. He placed his cup underneath a
wooden fence at the foot of someone’s yard and made a
mental note. He changed his course midway and headed
instead straight for his house.
 Kopa opened his front door. He walked into the front
hallway where the light was left on. He shut the door behind
him and headed immediately for the refrigerator. He opened
the door and from it withdrew the ziplocked plastic bag of
cold fried okra. He finished it as he walked to the living
room.
Kopa ran upstairs to his room and grabbed his laptop and
charger off his bed. He ran back down the stairs and set them
in the living room. He then ran back up and grabbed his
comforter which he brought down with him too.
Once his charger and laptop were there he plugged the
charger to the wall and then to his laptop. A facebook window
was left open. He hit notifications and was made to log in
again. He had two likes on a status. He searched [Belle
Duncan] He could not find her. [Brandon McCarthy]
[Friends] [Belle] He saw her photo. [Belle’s Profile] [No
photos are in this album] [17 profile pics]. He found one of
her turned at a slight angle.
He spat on his hand and applied the spit to his cock. He
closed his eyes and tried to remember the width of her arms,
what her hands looked like, her mouth, how her shoulders
were so tan and smooth. Kopa felt lost away. He thought of
her glaring at him eyes fierce with contempt. His self asked
not to touch her lest repercussions ensue. He thought of her
allowing him moments of touching her. Of her putting her
hand over his against her ass, and then bringing it away as she
pleased. He thought of her taking no joy in him touching her.
He thought of them kissing and him taking off her shirt.
 He came abruptly, cum glanced off the blanket and hit
the computer screen. He sat a moment breathing heavily. This
had not happened before. He took a corner of blanket and
wiped the screen, feeling wet cum on his leg as he
repositioned the blanket. ‘When I think of myself as being
cool, it never brings me what I yearn for’
Kopa shuffled the blanket out of his way and brought the
computer to his lap, his pajama pants still at his ankles.
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