INTERNATIONAL

APRIL 2018

Why It Pays to Be Happy

PAGE ... 64

SECRETS
TO A
SMARTER
YOU
7 Exercises Everyone Can Do
PAGE ... 32

Must-See Museums
PAGE ... 70

World’s Bordeaux:
Dumbest Much More
Criminals Than Wine
PAGE ... 26 PAGE ... 86

NEWS FROM THE WORLD OF MEDICINE ........... 18

LAUGHTER, THE BEST MEDICINE ...................... 48
LIFE’S LIKE THAT .................................................. 62
WORD POWER ...................................................... 111
Contents APRIL 2018
FEATURES
26 World’s Dumbest
Criminals
Jewelry, gadgets, cigarettes—
and a free television—all
attracted the attention of
these would-be masterminds.
32 Secrets to a Smarter You
Sharpen your wits by
harnessing the power of words,
languages and mnemonics.
Drama in Real Life
40 Racing the Storm
The sailors thought they could
make it home before the
storm hit. It was a deadly
miscalculation.
50 Where the @#$% am I?
He wanted an adventure.
Thanks to his confused GPS,
he got one.
2 | 04đ2018
P. | 26
Photo Feature
56 Did Someone Say
Cheese?
These candid animal shots
speak to us. But what are they
saying? You gotta wonder ...
PHOTO, ON THE COVER: ©P HOTOGRAPH BY N IKKI ORM EROD;
64 Why It Pays to Be Happy
You’ll get more out of life if
you go through it with a smile.
THI S PAGE: ILLUSTRATI ON BY KIRSTEN ULVE
70 Strange Attractions
Enter the zany world of
conceptual museums—
featuring failed love affairs,
doomed inventions and
terrible art.
76 Watch Your Table
Manners
The correct etiquette for eating
out around the world.
 P. | 94
86 Bordeaux Rising
Now halfway through a 30-
year development project, the
“sleeping beauty” is waking up.
Bonus Read
94 Trapped Underground
They were in a kilometer-long,
100-meter-deep cave when a
flood of water blocked their
way out.

DEPARTMENTS

12 Surprisingly Ordinary
Allergy Triggers
14 Medical Mystery READER FAVORITES
16 The Trouble With Gallstones 5 Editor’s Note
18 News from the World of 6 Quotable Quotes
Medicine 7 Letters
8 See the World Differently
19 My Life
20 Good News
P HOTOS, THIS PAGE; © GETTY IMAGES (BOTTOM ) ;

56
22 Finish This Sentence
P. | 24 As Kids See It
48 Laughter,
the Best Medicine
62 Life’s Like That
84 All in a Day’s Work
BY ROB C AMP BELL ( TOP)

108 Brainteasers
110 Trivia
111 Word Power
113 Points to Ponder
114 Laugh Lines
115 Next Month
116 Last Laugh

04đ2018 | 3|
 I NTE RNATI O NAL

Editor-in-Chief
Raimo Moysa

Editors
Mary S. Aikins
Janie Allen
Alex Finer

Art Director
Marilee Lamarque

Assistant Art Director

Shirley Khaitan

Rights and Permissions Manager

Thomas Dobrowolski

Content Operations Manager

Lisa Pigeon

Published by TMBI International, New York, USA

TRUSTED MEDIA BRANDS, INC.

President and Chief Executive Officer
Bonnie Kintzer
Chief Operating Officer
Brian Kennedy
Reader’s Digest Founders: DeWitt Wallace, 1889–1981; Lila Acheson Wallace, 1889–1984

Copyright 2016 TMBI, White Plains, NY, USA.

Reproduction in any manner in whole or in part in English or other languages prohibited.
All rights reserved throughout the world.

LET US KNOW if you are moved—or provoked—by any item in

the magazine. Share your thoughts by sending an email to:
editor@readersdigestinternational.com

4 | 04đ2018
 Editor’s Note
It Just Wasn’t Their Day
DID YOU HEAR the one about the crooks who robbed a jewelry store
in Leicester, England? The tale is told in “World’s Dumbest Crimi-
nals” in this issue. True story: When police found the getaway car,
they discovered that the clueless thieves had entered their destination in
the car’s GPS unit. Police quickly located the suspects, who probably wish
they’d read “Secrets to a Smarter You,” also in this issue.
We laugh at such hapless criminals but understand their reliance on GPS
(for Global Positioning System). For the directionally challenged, nothing
beats it for finding one’s way on unfamiliar roads. That steady, firm voice
commanding “turn left here” or “turn right here” is reassuring. If we mess
up, the nonjudgmental “make a u-turn” sets us
straight. (GPS is indispensable on the water, too:
See “Racing the Storm.”) But, as marvelous as
they are, when a GPS falls short of our trust, the
failure can be spectacular. For the best
examples we’ve found, turn to “Where the
@#$% Am I?”
Wherever your GPS leads you, try to keep a
smile on your face. There’s good evidence
that happy people live longer and enjoy
many other benefits related to work and
relationships, health and aging (see “Why
It Pays to Be Happy” in this issue).
And if you have any funny stories
about getting lost, email us at
editor@readersdigestinternational.com.

04đ2017 | 5|
 Quotable Quotes
Do I want to be a hero to WE CELEBRATE
SUCCESS, BUT I THINK
my son? No. I would like to
WE SHOULD ALSO JUST
be a very real human being. CELEBRATE GIVING IT
That’s hard enough. A GO. PHIL KEOGHAN,
R O B E R T D OW N E Y J R . , a c t o r television personalit y

Life is too complicated

FROM TOP: FEATUREFLASH PHOTO AGENCY. S_BUC KLEY. S KY CI NEM A (ALL SHU TTE RSTOCK )
not to be orderly.
M A R TH A S TE WA R T, l i f e s t y l e m o g u l

My doctor says if I don’t drink, When you fall in love, it

don’t smoke, if I eat properly doesn’t matter how old
and take care of myself, I really you are. You always feel
should live until midnight. like a teenager.
M A L AC H Y M CCO U R T, a c t o r a n d a u t h o r A M Y D I C K I N SO N , a d v i c e c o l u m n i s t

I THINK IT’S A GOOD

HEALTH TIP TO SAY “I’M
NOT A WORRIER.” BILL MURRAY, a c t or

It’s so hard to forget pain, but it’s even

harder to remember sweetness.
We have no scar to show for happiness.
C H U C K PA L A H N I U K , novelist

6 | 04đ2018
 Letters
READERS COMMENT ON OUR RECENT ISSUES

Laughing Is Living
I like all the articles, but especially Anne Roumanoff’s humor
and As Kids See It [departments]. Sometimes I laugh so
much that I read them out loud to my grandchildren.
MARIE-THÉRÈSE NAUDON, France

MY LIFE As Kids See It

As Kids See It
The Real Joy of Skiing
BY A N N E R O U M A N O F F

TO GET TO THE SKI RESORT, all going well, takes six

hours by train and two hours driving on mountain roads:
“Mummy, I feel yucky, I’m going to be sick.”
“Hang on, I’ll open the window … there you go, breathe in
the fresh mountain air.”
“Mummy, I’m freezing … oh dear! I’ve been sick.”
ANNE Next comes the warm welcome at the holiday apartments,
ROUMANOFF The Three Pines:
is a well- “Do you have a credit card, in case you break anything? If
known French you want to take the lift then you’ll need to go around on the
humorist.
outside. Watch out! It’s slippery underfoot … too late.”
She lives in
Paris.
You settle into a charming studio flat with a view of the
mountains … well, of the car park at the foot of the mountains:
“I thought this place slept six.”
“It does. Look, darling, there are two
sofa beds in the living room. Well … in
the living-room/kitchen/dining-room.”
Then it’s off to the local mini-mart
where it’s best to imagine that you’re
shopping in a foreign country in a dif- “I love that you have an entrepreneurial spirit and want to help Mommy rebrand her
ferent currency: company, but ‘I’m the boss and you’re not’ isn’t quite what I had in mind for a slogan.”
“Eight euros for two liters of milk?” “What would I have to do to be sent to my room without the Brussels sprouts?”
“Yes, it’s a special offer!”
ILLU ST RATI ON S: JO E MC KEN DRY (TO P)

After a night on a bed as hard as a bare plank you have to WHOEVER COINED THE PHRASE I WAS OUT WALKING with my
kit out each child with gloves, scarf, hat, ski suit, smother WHEN ASKED HOW his first visit to I USED TO WONDER why I had hair “the pitter-patter of little feet” clearly daughters one evening, when my
CO LO NEL MO U TARD E (BOTTO M)

the beach went, my five-year-old on my legs, but now I know it’s for never heard a four-year-old walk. two-year-old looked to the sky and
CO N A N DE VR I E S

them with sun screen and put on their ski boots. Then, with
S U SA N C A MI L L ER I KON A R

his or her most winning smile, the child announces: nephew, Adam, replied, “It was so my toddler sons and daughters to @MYMOMOLOGUE asked, “Mom, who folded the moon?”
“Mommy, I want to go to the toilet.” dirty. There was sand everywhere! pull themselves up off the ground JULIANNA WALDNER

In the mountains, I’ve come to realize that my favorite sport They should really vacuum it.” as I scream in pain. BRYNN, SEVEN-YEARS-OLD:
is stretching full length … on a lounger. I love to bask in the NAIMA SHAIKH C o m e d i a n JIM GAFFIGAN ➸ Granny, how old are you? YOU DON’T KNOW FEAR until you
sun on the terrace of high-altitude restaurants with a mug of GRANNY: I’ll be 66 next month.
1234567890 hear your two-year-old flush the toi-
hot chocolate, a slice of blueberry tart and a plate of chips. |
02•2018 [[2R]]| BRYNN: We’re not paying for that let and yell “bye-bye” from the hall
Being among the peaks really heightens the appetite! many candles! JUDY NOWISKI bathroom. @LILWESTMAN ➸

1234567890 1234567890
|
01•2018 [[2R]]| |
03•2018 [[2R]]|

Always With Me
Never change the format of your works just fine. The problems
magazine. On purpose, I don’t read start after apprentices have com-
it right away. Because of its format, pleted their training. There are
I take it with me when I have to millions of people stuck in low-
wait for any appointments I have at wage jobs and fixed-term contracts.
the dentist and so on … And all of this so that those at the
MADDY, Belgium (by email) top can stuff their pockets. Greed
beats morals every time.
The Way Into Work HEINZ-JÜRGEN KÖNIG,
Germany’s “dual training“ system Germany, via Email

04đ2018 | 7
8 | 04đ2018
 SEE
THE WORLD ...

Turn the page

10 | 04đ2018 FOTOS: © JACK GUEZ/AFP/GETTY IMAGES
... DIFFERENTLY
Water, electricity, ice, and sheer
endless amounts of dirt—welcome
to Mud Day! Each year in France,
Spain, Belgium, Switzerland, and
Israel, a very special kind of steeple-
chase takes place. The participants
must overcome 22 hurdles spread
out over a grueling 13 kilometers—
a challenge much like that of a
military training excercise. Although
the majority of competitors push
themselves to their absolute limits,
training for emergency situations
was not the goal in 2017’s Tel Aviv
event (pictured); rather, it was
having good “clean” fun.
HEALTH

Pollen is the number one enemy for

folks with seasonal allergies, but these
factors can make a bad day worse

Surprisingly
Ordinary
Allergy Triggers
BY ALANNA NUÑEZ AND LAUREN GELMAN

Celery
You may already know that peaches
and apples can exacerbate symptoms
in people with pollen allergies, but it
turns out that celery can as well.
Both cooked and uncooked celery
can cause swelling of the throat,
lips, and tongue, so if you have a
pollen allergy, you’ll probably want
to steer clear. And be sure to read the
labels on packaged foods—celery is
P HOTO: © F LOORTJE/GETTY IM AGES

often an ingredient in soups and

salad dressings.
Wearing Shoes at Home
In addition to tracking in dirt and
mud, you can track in pollen when
you wear your shoes into your
house, Dr. Mark Dykewic told
everydayhealth.com. If you’re
prone to allergies, Dr. Dykewicz,
a professor in the allergy and
immunology division at Saint Louis
University School of Medicine, in
Missouri, recommends not only
taking off your shoes when you get
home but also throwing them (and
everything else you are wearing)
into the washing machine.

12 | 04đ2018
Hair Gel
Anything you can do to minimize
your exposure to allergy triggers can
go a long way to making you feel
better. One easy trick? Don’t use hair
gel, which, perhaps not surprisingly,
collects pollen, says allergist and
immunologist Dr. Clifford Bassett,
founder and medical director of
Allergy and Asthma Care of New York.
Allergy Seasons are Longer
Does it seem as if your allergies get
worse every year? You may not be
imagining it. “Climate change does
seem to be making allergies worse,”
says Dr. Richard Weber, a past
president of the American College
of Allergy, Asthma, and Immunology
and a professor of medicine at
National Jewish Health, Colorado.
“Allergenic plants are bigger and
produce more pollen, and allergy
seasons are starting earlier and
lasting longer.”
Stress
After studying 179 people with hay
fever, researchers at Ohio State
University discovered that the
39 percent who suffered more than
one allergy attack had high stress
levels. What’s more, the majority of
people in this group, who were
studied for 12 weeks, had more
than four allergy attacks within two
14-day periods. While the study did
not prove a cause-and-effect rela-
tionship, stress is known to exacer-
bate many health problems, and
allergies appear to be among them.
“While alleviating stress won’t cure
allergies, it may help decrease the
episode of intense symptoms,” said
the study’s author, Dr. Amber
Patterson.
Leaving the Windows Open
Drive with the windows up and turn
your car’s air conditioner to the “do
not recirculate” setting, recommends
Dr. Bassett. Also, try to park in a
garage or where the car will be
somewhat covered and less likely
to have pollen land on it. Similarly,
keep all your windows at home
closed to keep pollen out, and turn
on the air conditioner if necessary.
Check that the filter on your air
conditioner is properly installed
and isn’t too dirty.
And Don’t Delay Your Meds
People often don’t start taking
allergy medications until their
symptoms get unbearable, but that’s
a mistake.
“If you know you have bad pollen
allergies,” notes Dr. Michael Smith,
chief medical editor for webmd.
com, “start treating them even
before you have symptoms. Watch
pollen counts, and as soon as they
start to rise, start taking your usual
medication. Once your body ramps
up its release of histamines and in-
flammatory chemicals,allergies are
that much harder to treat.”
04đ2018 | 13
HEALTH
Medical
Mystery
BY SY D NE Y LONE Y
THE PATIENT: Richard, a 37-year-old
software developer
THE SYMPTOMS: A sore eye
and reduced vision
THE DOCTOR: Dr. Martin Leyland,
consultant ophthalmic surgeon at Royal
Berkshire Hospital in Reading, U.K.
ON HIS WAY HOME from work
one Monday last September, Richard
was distracted by a stinging pain in
his right eye that had gradually
worsened throughout the day. He
initially thought some dust or dirt
had gotten under his contact, but the
sensation didn’t diminish after he
removed the lens. When his eye still
hurt the following morning, he
booked an appointment with his
family doctor, who suspected a con-
tact lens–related infection and sent
him to the eye-casualty department
at the Royal Berkshire Hospital.
14 | 04đ2018
An ophthalmologist identified a
small corneal ulcer (a sore on the thin,
clear surface of the eye), likely caused
by bacteria trapped under Richard’s
contact lens. (He wore daily dispos-
able contacts, but bacterial infections
are still common with wearers of
these lenses.) Because corneal ulcers
can lead to vision loss, Richard was
placed on an intensive course of anti-
biotic eye drops, to be administered
hourly (including nighttime) for two
days, then every hour during the day
for two weeks.
ILLUSTRATION BY VICTOR WONG
The treatment initially helped,
but by the end of the second week,
the pain had returned with greater
intensity. Richard also noticed that
the vision in his right eye was deteri-
orating. To reduce inflammation, the
ophthalmologist added steroids to
Richard’s next two-week round of
drops, but the discomfort and vision
 loss only got worse. The ulcer was a pathologist discovered a tiny
also growing, and now there was a filament of fungus. Two days later, a
build-up of pus inside the eye. microbiologist identified it as a
By now, three weeks in, the agony species (Fusarium solani) found in
was overwhelming, and Richard had soil and plant debris all over the world.
become so sensitive to light that he Leyland consulted the national
couldn’t keep his eyes open. He was reference lab about treatment, only
no longer able to drive or work. to discover that the fungus is resistant
Three weeks after his ordeal had to all available antifungals.
begun, Richard re- Leyland had never
ceived a referral to before encountered
Dr. Martin Leyland, such a stubbornly re-
who performed a cor- Dr. Leyland sistant fungal infection.
neal scrape to remove performed a “Normally tears would
part of the ulcer for di- corneal transplant, wash the fungus away,”
agnostic purposes. The hoping to save he says. “But once it
cells were sent to a lab gets underneath a
to identify the organism the patient’s eye. contact lens, it can
causing the problem. grow quite happily and
“At this point, the patient do some real damage.”
was unable to read an eye chart By that point, it was nearly three
and could only count fingers if I held months after the onset of the infec-
my hand right in front of his face,” tion. Leyland performed an emer-
Leyland says. gency corneal transplant with donor
The results of the scrape came tissue in a last-ditch effort to save the
back: nothing had grown in the lab. patient’s eye, flushing the infected
This time, the patient was treated area with antifungal fluids. Post-
with both antibacterial and anti- surgery, Richard began an intensive
fungal drops, as well as antifungal three-month treatment of oral and
tablets (the latter, in part, because eye-drop antifungals. The inflamma-
the antibiotics weren’t helping). tion had also caused a cataract to
Though Richard started to show form, so he underwent a cataract
some improvement, it was short- operation to improve his vision.
lived, and the pain and vision loss Fortunately, the fungus has stayed
in his eye progressed. away, and the corneal transplant has
When a second corneal scrape two remained clear since the operation.
weeks later also failed to yield results, Richard recovered well and may
Leyland did a biopsy to remove a eventually regain up to 90 percent
larger piece of the cornea. Eventually, of the vision in his eye.

04đ2018 | 15
HEALTH
How to prevent and
treat an attack
The Trouble
With Gallstones
BY SAMANTHA RIDEOUT
FOR A SMALL, inessential body
part, the gallbladder can cause a lot of
pain. Roughly the shape and size of a
pear, the organ sits in the right side of
your abdomen. Its job is storing bile, a
liquid produced by the liver that helps
you digest the fats in your diet. The
gallbladder releases the liquid as
needed into the small intestine.
When bile’s delicate chemical bal-
ance gets thrown off—we don’t fully
know how or why—its components
can crystallize. Over years, these crys-
tals can combine to form gallstones
(medical term: cholelithiasis), which
can be as tiny as grains of sand or as
large as golf balls. In at least 75 per-
cent of cases, gallstones don’t cause
symptoms or complications and
therefore don’t require treatment.
However, should a stone tempo-
16 | 04đ2018
rarily block one of the bile ducts
leading in and out of the gallbladder,
the result is a sudden, short-lived
bout of gripping or gnawing pain in
the abdomen, rib cage area, and/or
shoulder. This won’t cause lasting
damage, but you might like to visit
a GP to confirm that it is indeed
gallstones and not another problem,
such as an ulcer.
ILLUSTRATION: © YODIY IM/ISTOC KPHOTO
Longer-term or permanent duct
blockage can lead to serious compli-
cations, like infections and inflam-
mation. You should see a doctor
immediately if you experience jaun-
dice, fever, chills, or incessant pain.
Gallstones have a greater chance of
developing in women, adults over the
age of 40, and people with a family
history of the condition. The major
correctable risk factor is obesity, says
Dr. Stephen Ryder, medical advisor
to the British Liver Trust. But Ryder
cautions against losing weight too
quickly: “Rapid weight loss or gain
can cause stones to
form and can trigger
You can live without your gallblad-
der as your liver will still produce bile,
which will drip directly into the small
intestine rather than collecting in the
gallbladder first.
Post-surgery,

10%
symptoms, so con- approximately one in
trolled weight loss is 10 patients experience
the best,” he says. occasional diarrhea as
If you already suffer
from symptomatic
gallstones and the
to 15%
of adults have gallstones,
their digestive systems
adapt to the continu-
ous release of bile. This
attacks are mild, you although only 1/4 of them
might last anywhere
could manage their will have symptoms. from weeks to years,
effects with painkillers; but medications called
a low-fat diet may also bile acid binders can
make a modest difference. If your help control this.
symptoms are severe and frequent, For most people, though, the dif-
the only effective treatment is the ference between having a gallbladder
surgical removal of the gallbladder. and not having one is unnoticeable.

TEST YOUR MEDICAL IQ

The Framingham risk score is…

A. the probability of a mother C. a measure of a patient’s knowl-

passing an infection on to her edge about preventing sexually
child during birth. transmitted infections.
B. a quantification of risky D. a tool for assessing cardio-
alcohol habits. vascular-disease risk.
Answer: D. The Framingham risk score estimates a patient’s chances of
developing cardiovascular disease within the next 10 years. It does so based
on age, sex, cholesterol levels, diabetes status, blood pressure, and smoking
habits. Patients and doctors use the score to decide whether lifestyle
changes and/or preventive treatments would be worthwhile.

04đ2018 | 17
 NEWS FROM THE
World of Medicine
BY SAMANTHA RIDEOUT
Raw Flour Can Carry E. coli
In unwelcome news for cookie-dough
fans, flour was recently confirmed as
the source of a serious E. coli outbreak
in the United States in 2016. Certain
strains of these bacteria can be toxic,
causing stomach cramps, bloody
diarrhea, vomiting, and in extreme
cases, kidney failure. Scientists knew
E. coli could thrive in undercooked
meat, but they were surprised to find
the bacteria in dry flour. To be safe,
health authorities now recommend
washing your hands thoroughly after
handling flour and abstaining from
eating raw or unpasteurized dough.
Back Pain Could Stem
From Undetected Fractures
Tiny spinal fractures caused by osteo-
porosis often evade discovery but
can nevertheless hurt, according
to a study published recently in
the Journal of Bone and
Mineral Research. Nearly
4,400 older men were
followed for over four
years, during which
time 28 were diag-
nosed with fractures
in the spine. However,
18 | 04đ2018
X-rays revealed that another 169 had
breaks that had gone undetected. The
majority of the men with fractures
reported aching backs. Past studies
have found an even higher spinal-
fracture rate among older women.
Most back pain is muscular and
improves within six weeks, but if yours
lasts longer, seek medical evaluation.
Vegetarianism Linked to
Depression; B12 Might Help
In a U.S. National Institutes of Health
study, vegan and vegetarian partici-
pants tended to score higher than
meat eaters on a depression-measur-
ing scale. While the results don’t
CLA IRE BENOIST; ( PROP STY LIST) JANIN E IVERSEN
prove causality, it wouldn’t be sur-
prising if nutritional shortfalls were
to blame, the researchers said.
In particular, vegetarians and veg-
ans are often low in vitamin
B12, and animal prod-
ucts are the only
natural source of this
nutrient. However,
taking supplements or
consuming foods such
as fortified soy milk and
breakfast cereal
can help.
 MY LIFE

The Stakes Are Set!

BY ANNE ROUMANOFF

AT SIX YEARS OLD I played Ludo with my mom and my

sister after school. When I lost I upset the board.
At eight I loved playing interminable games of Monopoly
with our neighbors in Normandy … especially when I won.
At 12, I discovered my first slot machine on the ferry cross-
ing on a trip to England. I lost lots, all in British pound coins.
ANNE At 14, I played pinball in the café next to my high school.
ROUMANOFF I always lost, but there were boys there, and we drank hot
is a well-
known French
chocolate.
humorist. At 17, I got my first—somewhat prehistoric—games console.
She lives in I destroyed spaceships in black and white. The more you
Paris. advanced through the levels, the more you were fired at. It
distracted me quite a bit from studying for my final exams in
high school. Once I started playing, I just couldn’t stop.
Since becoming a fully fledged grown-up, I hardly play
games at all, except for buying the occasional scratch card
and lottery tickets, which I forget to validate, and also Tetris,
which I’ve installed on my smartphone to help pass the time
on train journeys.
Playing games is like drinking. Often you play to forget why
you started playing in the first place—you play to forget about
life. The thing is that the rules are simpler in games than they
are in real life. In life, you often lose when you think you’re
ILLUSTRATI ONS: JOE MCKENDRY ( TOP )

going to win, the rules change halfway through, and they’re

not explained to you from the start anyway. And then at the
COLONEL MOUTARDE (BOTTOM)

end, no matter what

you’ve won, you still
lose life itself.
Still, as my grandmother
used to say, “Life is a
game worth
living.” Let’s take
our chances!

04đ2018 | 19
 Good News
SOME OF THE POSITIVE STORIES COMING OUR WAY
BY TIM HULSE

Let’s Connect
REFUGEES Dating
websites have changed
the way couples meet—
and now the technology
behind them is helping
refugees in Germany.
Carmen Bachmann
(pictured), a professor at
Leipzig University, used
the template of a dating
site to create Chance for
Science, a website that matches realize what being an academic is.”
academic refugees with German The site currently has more than
academics working in the same field. 700 users, including more than 200
Bachmann’s idea was inspired by refugees. The connections it makes
a chance encounter in a refugee may lead to jobs, but the main aim is
camp. “I met a man and all he had to encourage the sharing of ideas.

MARTIN JEHNICHEN/THE GUARDIA N; THEJOURNAL.I E

with him was his diploma,” she says.
“He was so happy that someone
was paying attention to it because,
understandably, the volunteers
there were just making sure everyone
had shelter and food. It helped me
“We also want to make people feel
that they are staying in touch with
the academic world,” she adds.
“Being an academic is part of their
identity and when refugees arrive
here, they lose that.”

“It’s a different world. All you can hear is the

tires on the tarmac—and the wind!”
Pat Fo l l e n , a L o n do n t a x i dr i v e r w h o h a s b e c o m e o n e o f th e first
o wn e rs o f t h e U. K . c a pi t al’s n e w b att e r y -p o w e re d bl a c k c abs.

20 | 04đ2018
 France Leads War on Waste
FOOD France was the first country
in the world to bring in legislation to
stop food wastage—and now it has
been placed in the top spot in a
ranking of 34 countries based on
their food sustainability.
Around a third of all food produced
globally is currently wasted, but in
France the figure is just 1.8 percent,
Sources: Refugees—The Guardian, 9.12.17. Food—Reuters, 5.12.17. Families—Good News Network, 29.11.17. Heroes—The Journal.ie, 9.12.17
Sweden rounded out the top five
in the index, published by the
Economist Intelligence Unit. In last
place was the United Arab Emirates,
where almost 1,000 kilograms of food
per person are wasted each year.
More Time with the Kids
FAMILIES Parents in Europe now
spend twice as much time with their

and it hopes to halve this by 2025.
“France has taken some important
steps forward, including forcing
supermarkets to stop throwing
away perfectly edible food,” says
Meadhbh Bolger, a campaigner at
Friends of the Earth Europe.
Japan, Germany, Spain, and
children as they did 50 years ago—up
on average from 54 minutes per day
to 105 minutes.
So says a study in the Journal of
Marriage and Family, which found
Denmark’s mothers are the most
attentive parents, spending around 225
minutes a day with their children.

HEROES: FITTING DENTURES FOR THE HOMELESS

THE NUMBER of people sleeping rough

on the streets of Dublin is the highest
since records began a decade ago. But
one man who’s trying to put a smile back
on the faces of the homeless is dental
technician Kevin Shanahan (pictured).
Every Friday evening after work he
sets up his equipment outside the Irish
capital’s historic General Post Office
building and fits dentures free of charge.
He sees around 20 homeless people in each session and follows this up
with around 15-20 hours of work in his lab.
“When you look at someone with no teeth, they’ve lost a bit of dignity,” he
says. “When you give someone teeth, you give them a bit of confidence and
you find they smile more—so you’re building a person from the inside out.”

04đ2018 | 21
FINISH THIS SENTENCE
… priceless.
LIEKE LANGELAAN,
Bennebroek

The funniest thing

Ne t h e r l a n d s

I ever saw was …

… my sister
coming back
from the
bakery with a
mud face,
because she had totally forgotten
the treatment she had.
CARLA IB
Peru

… my … my one-
husband year-old
running in his pooping in
underwear, the bath,
to chase away a flying cockroach and crying, scared because
in the middle of the night. it floated.
GUADELUPE
CARMEN BAÑULS, S p a i n
IDALIA ROQUE SEGOVIA
Me x i c o

22 | 04đ2018
… my lover … Monty
making love. Python’s Life
MARTTI MÄKELÄINEN
Fi n l a n d
of Brian.
I still laughed when I saw it
for the fifth time.
ALBERT
G e r m a ny

… my
daughter
imitating me,
on a bad day.
LEANNE BARTON
Muswellbrook
Au s t ra l i a

… probably
… my tax not very
assessment. funny
HUBERT BIESMANS
Tongeren to anyone else.
Belgium RACHEL LOO
Windsor, Ne w Z e a l a n d

… a comedian
who didn’t
succeed
in making his audience laugh.
JEAN-PIERRE DAUNIS
Tournon, Fra n c e

04đ2018 | 23
 As Kids See It
“They must be grown-up ducks, because they’re eating the crusts, too.”
WHILE SUPERVISING STUDENTS on
the playground during recess, I asked
a six-year-old boy to stop climbing a
fence overlooking the school’s park-
ing lot. Reluctantly, the boy made his
way back down to the ground. His
friend walked by and told him, “You
can’t escape from school.”
LENA DESJARDINS
24 | 04đ2018
WE INSTALLED A POOL in our
backyard when my daughter,
Katie, was two years old. The next
summer, we visited my parents at
their cottage. As we were entering
CONA N DE VRIES
the lake, Katie stopped, confused,
and asked my dad, “Grampie,
who cleans your pool?”
DEBBIE MADDOCK
WHENEVER MY YOUNG SON,
Daniel, finds seeds, he wants to plant
them. We’ve planted apple seeds,
watermelon seeds and many others.
One day, I explained to him that if a
seed has been roasted, it won’t grow
in the ground. Soon after, we were
eating sesame seed bagels, and
Daniel asked if the seeds on the
bagels had been cooked. When I said
they had, he replied, “Aw, man! I
really wanted to grow a bagel tree.”
MARJORIE MURPHY
A WHILE BACK, my six-year-old
great-granddaughter, Annabelle,
looked up at her great uncle, who
was holding a camera with a big lens.
Confused, she inquired, “How come
you have such a big telephone?”
MIRA GATES
MY NIECE WAS THREE YEARS OLD
when she first saw a woman with her
nose pierced. Turning to her mother,
she exclaimed, “That lady has her ear
pierced in her nose!”
LENA WURTZ
EIGHT YEAR-OLD: “I don’t know if
I want to have kids when I get old
because they’re just going to slow
me down when I go trick or treating.”
Facebook
MY KIDS SURE DO make lots of
plans for people who don’t know
how to drive themselves anywhere.
@SARCASTICMOMMY4
AT A RESTAURANT, my four-year-
old daughter told the server that her
hair looked beautiful. The server got
a huge smile on her face and thanked
her. As the woman walked off, my
daughter said, “But not in the back.”
@KROB451
I USED TO TEACH pre-schoolers. One
day I was sitting on the floor with a
three-year-old squatting next to me.
Suddenly, she fell over. Getting up, she
looked at me, and said, “That wasn’t
supposed to happen.” Buzzfeed
ME, PUTTING SON’S TOY TOGETHER:
“I don’t think…”
*Looks at instructions*
*Looks at box*
“Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to
be on fire like that.”
@IWEARAONESIE
ON A TRIP TO SPAIN with our two
sons, my wife and I took the family to
see Basilica Santa Maria del Mar. As
we walked around the building, my
10-year-old, Lucas, told me he had
a question.
“Sure,” I said. “What’s up?”
My son paused as he turned to
look at the large crucifix at the front
of the church.
“Do you think Jesus really had a
six-pack?” JONATHON DUECK
“DADDY, I LOVE YOU ... sometimes,”
says my three-year-old son.
@BASEMBOSHRA
04đ2018 | 25
Jewelry, gadgets, cigarettes—
and a free television—all attracted the
attention of this year’s….

Dumbest
World’s

Criminals

ILLUSTRATIONS BY KIRSTEN ULVE

26 | 04đ2018
READER’S DIGEST

Better Than Free Vanity Did Him In

L
AST SPRING, an undetermined THINKING NO ONE was looking, the
number of misguided thieves 26-year-old bearded thief took a pair
broke into a store after shop of headphones off the shelf in an
hours in Zeist, Holland, and ran off electronics store, went into a dressing
with a television set. Clearly, they room— out of sight, or so he thought
did not know that they had entered a —and put them into his pocket. So far
“give-away store”—part of a recycling so good: if only he hadn’t given into
project—where everything is free. On vanity! As he was leaving the dressing
top of that, the television they had sto- room, he looked in the mirror and,
len was broken! They have not been unbelievably, became concerned
caught. with how disheveled his beard was.

28 | 04đ2018
Grabbing an electric shaver off a
nearby shelf, he quickly trimmed his
beard. Sadly for the thief, the clerks
in the Vantaa, Finland, store had
noticed his strange behavior, and
he was pulled aside when he tried
to go through the checkout. The
headphones were discovered in his
pocket. The man has been charged
with shoplifting and property crime.
The shaver, having been used, could
not be sold.
Very Sneaky
SUITCASES belonging to passengers
on buses going to Beauvais Airport
outside of Paris were being pilfered.
Police were baffled. When and how
could a thief get into the luggage com-
partment of the bus, steal from suit-
cases, and then get out again, without
being seen?
Then, an observant driver noticed
a passenger with a backpack and an
enormous suitcase, with something
inside that was moving! He alerted
the authorities. Police stopped the
man as he arrived at the airport, and
found his rucksack contained laptops,
money and valuables. His suitcase
contained a “curled up individual.”
The scam became clear. Once in
the luggage compartment, the thief
hiding in the suitcase would sneak
out, steal whatever he could find,
load up the backpack, and get back
into the suitcase before arrival at the
airport. The thief and his accomplice
were respectively sentenced in Octo-
ber 2017 to eight and 12 months in
prison.
Clear Directions
AFTER RAIDING a jewelry store of
bracelets and rings, the thieves could
have made good their getaway had
they not made a series of silly mis-
takes. First, when police in Leicester,
England, found the getaway car, they
discovered the crooks’ GPS system
showing police where the thieves
were headed. Even dumber, however,
04đ2018 | 29
 AND THE DUMBEST
EXCUSES...
THE ISSUE:
Over 40,000 cases of confiscated
wine were illegally consumed in
police stations in the Indian state
of Bihar.
THE EXCUSE:
Police insisted that rats had bitten
through the tops of confiscated
wine bottles and had drunk the
booty. Source: rt.com
THE ISSUE:
A man was pulled over for driving
16 kilometers per hour over the
speed limit in Australia.
THE EXCUSE:
“The wind was pushing me.”
Source: metro.co.uk
one of the men had left their address
in the car. The three young thieves
have been jailed for a total of 21 years.
Free Wheelin’ Thief
A SHOPLIFTER seriously misjudged
how quickly a supermarket’s auto-
matic doors opened in the small town
of Halikko, Finland. After a burglary
spree throughout the store, the thief
stole a bicycle and tried to make a
speedy escape. In his haste, he rode
the bike smack into the store’s main
entrance—sliding glass doors that
didn’t open quickly enough as he ap-
proached. He was apprehended by a
security guard.

THE ISSUE:
A Canadian woman was pulled
over for driving nearly double
the speed limit.
THE EXCUSE:
She told the officer she was
speeding in order to make it to her
nearby cottage in time for sunset.
It was 8:20 in the morning.
Source: CTV News

THE ISSUE:
A college student was arrested
on charges of shoplifting.
THE EXCUSE:
It was a homework assignment—
she was researching a term paper
on kleptomania.
Source: Associated

30 | 04đ2018

Smoke and Mirrors
LOOKING TO SWIPE some cigarettes,
three crooks smashed their way
through the glass doors of a rural su-
permarket in Giessenburg, Holland.
Heading straight for the cashier’s
counter, one of the men jumped over
it to steal cigarettes from the shelves
behind. Unfortunately for them, they
had tripped the store’s security sys-
tem, and they got more “smoke” than
they had bargained on: The store’s se-
curity smoke machine had been acti-
vated. Knowing that police had been
alerted, they fled, empty-handed.
Unlucky Friday
IT WAS FRIDAY THE 13TH when two
masked men decided to rob a jewelry
store outside Stockholm. But it wasn’t
their day. Clearly amateurs, the men
filled a big bag with stolen goods, but
when they returned to their scooter—
their getaway vehicle—not only did
it not start right away, the big bag of
loot was too unwieldy to carry. The
two were arrested mere meters from
the store.
Foiled By Greed
HAVE YOU EVER wondered if you
could lift a bag containing 20,000
MEASURE FOR MEASURE
Happiness makes up in height what it lacks in length.
ROBERT FROST
READER’S DIGEST
cigarettes—give or take a few? Well…
after loading up with around 1,000
packets of cigarettes, three crooks
were unable to get their booty up and
over or around the tobacco counter,
out of the store, and away: It was
just too darn heavy. Police arrived
at the supermarket in the Midlands
of England as the men fled—empty-
handed. As the presiding trial judge
later commented, “This robbery was
well planned out, if not well executed
… You were foiled by your own greed.”
The men have been sentenced to a
total of 14 years in prison.
Go Straight to Jail
IT WAS L ATE one night last fall,
when police on patrol in Flensburg,
Germany, saw a young man acting
oddly. The officers approached the
man and, checking his name with
police files, found that he was
wanted on three separate arrest war-
rants. Rather than hang around and
await his fate, the 24-year-old ran
away as fast as he could, jumped into
a nearby car, and told the driver to
“put his foot down.” The young man
had gotten into an unmarked police
vehicle—and not too much later,
found himself in jail.
04đ2018 | 31
 Want to be bright as a button and quick as
a whip? Hone your wits by harnessing the power
of words, languages, and mnemonics.

Secrets
to a
Smarter
You BY ANDREA AU LEVITT AND BRANDON SPECKTOR
PHOTOGRA PH BY N IKKI ORMEROD

32 | 04đ2018
04đ2018 | 33
READER’S DIGEST
How To Improve
Your Memory
I
N AN AGE when your refrigera-
tor can help you manage your
shopping list and your phone
can answer almost any ques-
tion, you don’t really need to
remember anything anymore. Which
makes the feats of memory cham-
pions—who can recall hundreds of
names and faces, random strings of
numbers or words, or the order of
multiple decks of cards—seem more
superhuman than ever.
But here’s a nifty little secret about
folks with phenomenal recall: In a
MEMORY CHAMPIONS’
BRAIN STRUCTURES ARE
ESSENTIALLY THE SAME
AS THE REST OF OURS.
study recently published in the jour-
nal Neuron , researchers found that
super memorizers don’t have unusu-
ally large cerebral regions that allow
them to absorb and retain prodigious
amounts of information. Their brain
structures are essentially the same as
the rest of ours.
Comparing brain scans of 23
memory champions (who had placed
in the top 50 at the World Memory
34 | 04đ2018
Championship) with those of 23
regular folks of the same age, gender,
and IQ, the scientists found only one
difference: In the memory champs’
brains, the regions associated with
visual and spatial learning and the
regions associated with memory lit
up in a specific pattern. In the regular
people’s brains, these same regions
were activated differently.
Why is that important? Because we
learn by seeing, and the more we see,
(CASTI NG) M ILO CASTI NG; ( HAIR & M A KEUP) ROM Y ZACK; (WARDROBE STYLIST) STEPHANIE MAJOR
the better we remember things. These
super memorizers have perfected a
method to convert items they want
to remember (numbers, faces, cards,
even abstract shapes) into pictures
they “see” in their minds. It’s a process
called building a memory palace.
Here’s how it works: First, you
transform your target items into an
image—anything you’ll remember.
For instance, to remember card se-
quences, Ed Cooke (recognized as a
Grandmaster of Memory by the World
Memory Sports Council) told Ameri-
P REVI OUS PAGE: (TALENT) ROBIN HAGEN /CIOTTI;
can author Tim Ferriss that he assigns
each card a celebrity, an action, and
an object; each three-card combina-
tion then forms a unique image with
the celeb from the first card, the action
from the second, and the object from
the third.
So “jack of spades, six of spades, ace
of diamonds” becomes the Dalai Lama
wearing Lady Gaga’s meat dress and
holding Michael Jordan’s basketball.
Cooke’s system is built on the idea
that your memory hangs on to unusual

cues better than mundane ones.
Then, mentally place that picture
somewhere familiar to you: in your
house or at some point along your com-
mute, for instance. Finally, make up a
story about the items, which will help
you connect them in the correct order.
Here are a few of our favorite tricks
that can help to remember things in
your everyday life.
To Remember: New words
Technique: Change routine
In a classic study conducted at the
University of Michigan in the 1970s,
a group of students studied a list of
words in two separate sessions. Some
studied in a small cluttered room and
P HOTO BY THE VOORHES
some in a space with two windows
and a one-way mirror. One group of
studiers spent both sessions in the
same room, while the other split the
sessions between the two environ-
ments. During a test given in a com-
pletely different room, the students
who studied in multiple places re-
called 53  percent more than those
who studied in just one room.
Subsequent studies showed that
varying other aspects of your envi-
ronment (the time of day, the music
in the background, whether you sit
or stand, etc.) can also help recall.
The theory is that your brain links the
words (or whatever you are learning)
to the context around you, and the
more contextual cues you associate
with the words, the more your brain
has to draw upon when it’s trying to
remember them.
To Remember: Your PIN
Technique: Count it out
You could use your birthday, of course,
or your phone number, but identity
thieves have a way of ferreting those
out. Instead, try this tip from Dominic
O’Brien, an eight-time World Memory
Champion. Write a four-word sen-
tence, then count the number of let-
ters in each word. For instance, “This
is my PIN” = 4223.
To Remember: Facts & figures
Technique: Give yourself time
Mom was right: Cramming is not the
best way to memorize things. To learn
and recall statistics (or pretty much
any kind of factual information), re-
viewing the material periodically over
a longer span of time is far more effec-
tive than repeating it in a shorter one.
This technique dates as far back as
1885, when psychologist Hermann
04đ2018 | 35
READER’S DIGEST
Ebbinghaus discovered that he could
learn a list of nonsense words if he re-
peated them 68 times in one day and
seven more times before being tested
the next day. But he could learn the
same number of words equally well by
repeating them a total of 38 times over
the course of three days.
More recent research has demon-
strated optimal intervals for study ses-
REMEMBERING AND
RECOGNIZING FACES MAY
BE A SPECIAL SKILL
LINKED TO PERSONALITY.
sions: If your exam is in a week, study
today and then again in a day or two.
If it’s a month away, study today and
then wait a week before your second
study session. Three months off? Wait
three weeks to restudy. The further
away your exam, the longer the op-
timal interval between your first two
study sessions. (A final review the day
before the test is also a good idea.)
To Remember: A new language
Technique: Read and listen
In a study conducted at the University
of Puerto Rico, 137 Spanish-speaking
students were separated into two
groups. Over the course of eight weeks,
one group read a book in English while
simultaneously listening to an English
36 | 04đ2018
audio version; the other just read the
book silently. Each week, all the stu-
dents took a quiz. Those who both read
and listened outscored the reading-
only group on all eight quizzes.
To Remember: Faces
Technique: Focus on noses
While some super memorizers spe-
cialize in associating names with
faces (one of the disciplines in the
World Memory Championships), the
memory-palace technique doesn’t
work as well if the image of the face
is cropped, normalized for color, or
changed in any other way.
Remembering faces and recogniz-
ing them in different contexts may be
a special skill that several studies have
linked to personality: Extroverts are
much better at recognizing faces than
introverts, for example. One trick that
may work: Rather than focusing on
someone’s eyes, as most people do,
focus on the center or to the left of the
nose. The theory is that doing so allows
you to take in the whole face at once.
To Remember: A grocery list
Technique: Engage your body
How often have you written your list—
and then forgotten where you put it?
In this variation on the memory pal-
ace, picture the items on your list
with different parts of your body. For
instance, imagine balancing a pack-
age of cheese on your head, an egg on
your nose, and a bottle of milk on your
shoulder.
 Why Reading
Matters

H ERE’S A SIMPLE QUESTION—

answer it honestly, because
your response could boost
the amount of pleasure in your daily
life, delay dementia, and even help
you live longer:
How many hours did you spend
reading books last week?
This question has arrived in thou-
sands of U.S. homes every other year
since 1992 as part of the University
of Michigan’s Health and Retirement
Study (HRS). A minor item on a mas-
sive survey of more than 20,000 retir-
ees, it had been long ignored in the
analysis of elder brain health.
But in 2016, when researchers at
the U.S. Yale School of Public Health assume you don’t need to be sold
dug into 12 years of HRS data about on the merits of the written word.
the reading habits and health of more You may already be familiar with re-
than 3,600 men and women over the cent findings that suggest children as
age of 50, a hopeful pattern emerged: young as six months who read books
People who read books—fiction or with their parents several times a
nonfiction, poetry or prose—for as week show stronger literacy skills
little as 30 minutes a day over several four years later, score higher on intel-
years were living an average of two ligence tests, and land better jobs than
years longer than people who didn’t nonreaders.
read anything at all. But recent research argues that
Odder still, book readers who re- reading may be just as important in
ported more than three hours of read- adulthood. When practiced over a
P HOTO: © I STOCK

ing each week were 23  percent less
likely to die between 2001 and 2012
than their peers who read only news-
papers or magazines.
If you’re reading this, it’s safe to
lifetime, reading and language-acqui-
sition skills can support healthy brain
functioning in big ways.
To understand why and what each
of us can do to get the most out of

04đ2018 | 37
READER’S DIGEST
our words, start by asking the same
question the Yale team did: What is it
about reading books that boosts our
brain power whereas reading newspa-
pers and magazines doesn’t?
For one, the researchers posit,
chapter books encourage “deep read-
ing.” Unlike, say, skimming a page
of headlines, reading a book (of any
genre) forces your brain to think criti-
cally and make connections from one
chapter to another, and to the outside
world. When you make connections,
so does your brain, literally forging
new pathways between regions in
all four lobes and both hemispheres.
Over time, these neural networks can
promote quicker thinking and may
provide a greater defense against the
38 | 04đ2018
worst effects of cognitive decay.
Secondly, reading books, especially
fiction, has been shown to increase
empathy and emotional intelligence.
One 2013 study found that partici-
pants who read just the first part or
chapter of a story showed a notice-
able increase in empathy one week
later, while news readers showed a
decrease.
These findings may sound trivial,
but they’re not ; developing social
tools such as empathy and emotional
intelligence can lead to more (and
more positive) human interaction,
which in turn can lower stress levels—
both of which are proved to help you
live longer and healthier.
That’s not to say that magazines,
newspapers, and Web articles are
without merit. Reading anything that
fills your mind and exposes you to
new words, phrases, and facts seems
to carry mental benefits. New research
indicates that a large vocabulary may
lead to a more resilient mind by fueling
what scientists call cognitive reserve.
One way to think about this reserve
is as your brain’s ability to adapt to
damage. Cognitive reserve helps your
brain cells find new mental pathways
around areas damaged by stroke, de-
mentia, and other forms of decay.
This could explain why, after death,
P HOTO: © I STOCK
many seemingly healthy elders turn
out to harbor advanced signs of Al-
zheimer’s disease in their brains de-
spite showing few signs in life. Re-
searchers suspect it’s their cognitive
reserve, that may allow some seniors
to seamlessly compensate for hidden
brain damage.
So how does one build up cognitive
reserve? That’s more good news for
word lovers. Vocabulary is notoriously
resistant to aging, and having a rich
one, according to researchers from
PEOPLE WHO SPOKE TWO
OR MORE LANGUAGES
DEVELOPED DEMENTIA
AN AVERAGE OF 4.5
YEARS LATER THAN
MONOLINGUAL PATIENTS.
Spain’s University of Santiago de
Compostela, can significantly delay
the manifestation of mental decline.
When the team analyzed vocabulary
test scores of more than 300 volunteers
ages 50 and older, they found that par-
ticipants with the lowest scores were
between three and four times more
at risk of cognitive decay than partici-
pants with the highest scores.
Learning foreign words also of-
fers important cognitive nutrients.
In fact, research shows that learning
something new, such as how to play
an instrument or speak a second
language, is one of the best things
you can do for your brain at any age.
Remember that powerful network of
brain connections we get from read-
ing? Successfully learning a second
language grows that network; poly-
glots have been shown to be stronger
at multitasking, at memorizing, and
better at focusing on important infor-
mation than monolingual speakers.
A 2013 study in Neurology discov-
ered that patients who spoke two or
more languages developed demen-
tia an average of 4.5 years later than
monolingual patients. And while a
brain that learns a second language
earlier in life will likely see more cogni-
tive advantages than a late-life learner,
it is never too late. You don’t need to
end up a fluent speaker, either. “Just
having the basics of those linguistic
connections can delay dementia,” Dr.
Thomas Bak of the University of Edin-
burgh told the Atlantic.
Of course, learning a new language
is no quick feat. Luckily, the payoff of a
single lesson can provide instant grati-
fication. Researchers from Germany
and Spain had 36 participants read two
sentences containing the same foreign
word: “Every Sunday the grandmother
went to the jedin” and “The man was
buried in the jedin.” When asked what
jedin means, the folks who correctly
guessed “graveyard” showed reactions
in the same pleasure-sensing parts
of the brain you’d expect from food, sex,
gambling, and other satisfying stimuli.
Though when it comes to words, over-
indulgence is encouraged.
Because it pays to increase your
word power—today, tomorrow, and for
the rest of your life.
04đ2018 | 39
MEDICAL DRAMA

RACING
THE

STORM
BY MATTHEW TEAGUE
F R O M S MI T H SO NI AN MAG AZ I NE

40 | 04đ2018
The sailors thought they could make it home
before the storm hit. But it arrived early,
unleashing hurricane-force winds.
READER’S DIGEST

O
N THIS APRIL MORNING, SAILBOATS TRACED GENTLE
circles on Alabama’s Mobile Bay, preparing for the
Dauphin Island Regatta. On board the Kyla, a lightweight
16-foot catamaran, Ron Gaston and Hana Blalack made
an unusual crew. He was tall and lanky, 50 years old, with decades of
sailing experience. She was 15, tiny, pale, and redheaded, and had
never stepped on a sailboat. But Hana trusted Ron, who was like a
father to her. And Ron’s daughter, Sarah, was like a sister.

One day each spring, sailors gather
in central Mobile Bay and sprint
about 33 kilometers south to Dau-
phin Island. On this morning of April
25, 2015, there were other boats like
Ron’s, Hobie Cats that could be pulled
by hand onto a beach. There were also
sleek, purpose-built race boats with
oversized masts and great oceangoing
vessels with plush cabins. All told, 125
boats with 475 sailors and guests had
signed up for the regatta.
At 7:44 a.m., as sailors began to
gather on the bay for a 9:30 start, the
said the cancellation was an error, the
result of a garbled message. The con-
fusion delayed the start by an hour.
A false start cost another half-hour,
and the boats were still circling at
10:45 a.m. when the National Weather
Service (NWS) in Mobile issued a
dire prediction: “Thunderstorms will
move in from the west this afternoon
and across the marine area. Some of
the thunderstorms may be strong or
severe.”
Only eight boats withdrew. As Gar-
ner would later say, “It’s no big deal

I LLUSTRATION, P REVIOUS SPREAD, BY MI CHAEL BYERS

website of the Fairhope Yacht Club,
which was hosting the regatta that
year, posted a message about the race:
“Canceled due to inclement weather.”
But at 8:10 a.m., the yacht club in-
sisted the regatta was on. Gary Garner,
then commodore of the yacht club,
for us to see a weather report that
says scattered thunderstorms, or
even scattered severe thunderstorms.
If you want to go race sailboats, and
race long-distance, you’re going to get
into storms.”
On board the Razr, a 7.3-meter

DESPITE A DIRE PREDICTION OF

THUNDERSTORMS IN THE AFTERNOON,
ONLY EIGHT BOATS WITHDREW.

42 | 04đ2018
 boat, 17-year-old Lennard The regatta was
Luiten, his father and three in Mobile Bay,
on the Alabama
friends scrutinized incoming
weather reports: The storm U S A coast.

appeared likely to arrive at

4:15 p.m., which should give
them time to cross the finish FLORIDA
line and return to home port
before the front arrived.
Lennard felt thrilled as the Mobile
moment approached. He
and his father, Robert, had
bought the Razr as a half- Fairhope AL ABAMA
sunk lost cause, and spent a
year rebuilding it. Now the
five crew members smiled at
each other. For the first time, Dauphin Island
they agreed, they had the Fort Morgan
boat “tuned” just right. They
timed their start with preci- kms
sion and led the field for the 0 20
first half-hour.
The small catamarans were among its muddy bottom. On the northwest-
the fastest boats, though, and the Kyla ern shore stands the city of Mobile,
hurtled Hana and Ron forward. On dotted with shining high-rises. The
the open water Hana felt herself relax. mouth of the bay is guarded by Dau-
She and Ron passed a 11-meter sail- phin Island and Fort Morgan penin-
boat called the Wind Nuts, captained sula. Between them a gap of just three
by Ron’s friend Scott Godbold. “Hey!” miles of open water leads into the vast
Ron called out, waving. Gulf of Mexico.
Godbold and his wife, Hope, had During the first half of the race,
come to watch their son Matthew race Hana and Ron chased his brother,
M AP BY 5W IN FOGRA PHICS

and to help out if anyone had trouble. Shane Gaston, who sailed on an iden-
He waved back. tical catamaran. Conditions were
ideal, with high winds but smooth wa-
MOBILE BAY IS ABOUT 48 kilometers ter. About 2 p.m., as they arrived at the
long and half as wide. A deep channel finish line, Hana looked back. Ron’s
runs up its center, but much of the bay brother was a minute behind them.
is so shallow an adult could stand on “Hey, we won!” she said.

04đ2018 | 43
READER’S DIGEST
Typically, once crews finish the
race they pull into harbor at Dauphin
Island for a trophy ceremony and a
night’s rest. But the Gaston brothers
decided to sail home, assuming they’d
beat the storm; others made the same
choice. The brothers headed north
along the bay’s western shore.
Shortly before 3 p.m., Ron and Hana
watched as storm clouds rolled to-
ward them from the west. “We may get
some rain,” he said, with characteristic
understatement.
AS THE BOAT BLEW AWAY, RON FACED
A DECISION THAT SEEMED SURREAL:
HE COULD LET GO OF THE BOAT, OR HANA.
By now the storm, which had first
come alive in Texas, had crossed
three states to reach the edge of Mo-
bile Bay. At the NWS office in Mobile,
meteorologists watched it advance
on radar. Jason Beaman, the meteo-
rologist in charge of coordinating the
office’s warnings, noted the unusual
way the storm, rather than blow itself
out quickly, kept gaining in strength.
“It was an engine, like a machine that
keeps running,” he said.
UNDER THE Dauphin Island Bridge,
a nearly five-kilometer span that links
the island to the mainland, 17-year-
old Sarah Gaston struggled to control
a small boat with her sailing partner,
44 | 04đ2018
Jim Gates, a 74-year-old family friend,
as wind and rain came over the bay.
“We just were looking for any
land at that point,” Sarah said later.
“But ever ything was white. We
couldn’t see land. We couldn’t even
see the bridge.”
Farther north, the Gaston broth-
ers were getting closer to the Bucca-
neer Yacht Club, on the bay’s western
shore.
Lightning crackled. “Don’t touch
anything metal,” Ron told Hana. They
huddled on their boat’s trampoline—
the fabric deck between the two hulls.
Just over three kilometers behind,
Shane, along with Shane’s son Con-
nor, disappeared behind a curtain
of rain.
Within moments the rain caught up
with the Kyla. It came so fast, and so
dense, that the world seemed reduced
to a small gray room, with no horizon,
no sky, no shore.
Then, without warning, the winds
rose to 117 kilometers per hour—hur-
ricane strength. Ron and Hana never
had a moment to let down their sails.
The front of the Kyla rose up from
the water, stood for an instant on its
tail, then flipped sideways. The bay
was only two meters deep at that spot,
so the mast jabbed into the mud and
snapped in two.
Hana flew off, hitting her head on
the boom, a horizontal spar attached
to the mast. Ron landed between her
and the boat, and grabbed her with
one hand and a rope attached to the
boat with the other.
The vertical trampoline caught the
wind like a sail. As the boat blew away,
it pulled Ron through the water, away
from Hana, stretching his arms. He
faced a decision that seemed surreal:
He could let go of the boat, or Hana.
He let go of the boat. Hana and
Ron both wore life jackets, but two-
and-a-half-meter swells crashed on
them, threatening to separate them,
or drown them.
The two wrapped their arms around
each other, and Hana tucked her head
against Ron’s chest to find a pocket of
air free from the piercing rain.
In the chaos, Ron thought, for a
moment, of his daughter. But as he
and Hana rolled under the waves, his
mind went blank and gray as the sea-
scape.
Sarah and Jim’s boat had also
bucked them into the water.
The mast snapped, sending the sails
loose. “Jim!” Sarah cried out, trying to
shift the sails. Finally, they found each
other, and dragged themselves back
into the wreckage of their boat.
ABOUT 48 KILOMETERS NORTH, a
Coast Guard ensign named Phillip
McNamara stood his first-ever shift
as duty officer. As the storm bore
down on Mobile Bay, distress calls
came in from sailors in the water,
people stranded on sandbars, fran-
tic witnesses on land. Several times
he rang his superior, Commander
Chris Cederholm, for advice about
how to respond.
“By the third call it was clear some-
thing big was happening,” Cederholm
said recently. When he arrived at the
station, he triggered a “Mass Rescue
Operation” protocol, summoning a
response from air, land and sea.
As authorities scrambled to grasp
the scale of the storm, hundreds of
sailors on the bay struggled to survive
it. The wind flipped the Luitens’ Razr,
slinging the crew—Lennard, his fa-
ther, 71-year-old Jimmie Brown, and
teenage friends Adam Clark and Jacob
Pouncey—into the water.
Brown struggled in a raincoat. Len-
nard swam around the boat, search-
ing for his dad, whom he found with
Jacob. After 20 minutes or so, two-
and-a-half-meter waves threatened to
drown them, and Lennard struck out
for the shore to find help.
Normally, a storm’s hard edge
blows past in two or three minutes;
this storm continued for 45 minutes.
A DOZEN COAST GUARD ships re-
sponded, along with several airplanes,
helicopters and a team who prowled
the coastline on all-terrain vehicles.
People on horses searched the bay’s
04đ2018 | 45

Hana Blalack and Ron Gaston were in the
water for more than two hours.
clay banks for survivors. At the Coast
Guard outpost on Dauphin Island,
Scott Bannon, a major with Alabama’s
Marine Resources Division, made the water.”
call after call to the families and
friends of boat owners and captains, watching the blue lights of a patrol
trying to work out how many people boat, she guided rescuers to their
might be missing.
hood of rescue was frighteningly
low. “All you can really see above
water is someone’s head,” Bannon
explained later. “You can easily
pass within a few feet and never
see someone in the water.”
Ron and Hana had now been
in the water for two hours. They
tried to swim for shore, but the
waves and current locked them
in place. To stave off the horror
of their predicament, Hana made
jokes. “I don’t think we’re going
to make it home for dinner,” she
said.
“Look,” Ron said, pulling a
phone from his pocket. At the
same moment, Hana pulled out a
GPS unit that she had tucked into
her life preserver.
Hana called 911. A dispatcher
answered: “What is your emer-
gency and location?”
“I’m in Mobile Bay,” Hana said.
“The bay area?”
“No, ma’am. I’m in the bay. I’m in
Using the phone and GPS, and
location.
P HOTO BY BRYAN S CHUTMAAT

Near the Dauphin Island Bridge, a As an officer pulled her from the
Coast Guard rescue boat picked up water and onto the deck, Hana asked,
Sarah Gaston and Jim Gates. She had “This boat isn’t going to capsize too,
suffered a leg injury and hypothermia, is it?”
and as her rescuers pulled her onto
their deck, she went into shock. SHANE AND CONNOR Gaston had
Ron and Hana were closer to the also gone overboard. Three times
middle of the bay, where the likeli- the wind flipped their boat before it

46 | 04đ2018

eventually broke the mast. They used
the small jib sail to fight their way to-
ward the western shore. Once on land,
they knocked on someone’s door, bor-
rowed a phone, and called the Coast
Guard to report that they’d survived.
As the sun started to set that eve-
ning, Scott and Hope Godbold sailed
into the Coast Guard’s Dauphin Island
station with three survivors.
“It was amazing,” said Bannon. The
odds against finding even one person
in more than 1,000 square kilometers
of choppy sea were outrageous.
After leaving Hope and the sur-
vivors at the station, Godbold was
joined by his father, Kenny, and to-
gether they continued the search.
Scott had in mind a teenager he knew:
Lennard Luiten, who remained miss-
ing. Lennard’s father had been found
alive, as had his friend Jacob. But two
other Razr crew members—Adam
Clark and Jimmie Brown—had not
survived.
By this point Lennard would have
been in the water, without a life jacket,
for six hours. Night had come, and the
men knew the chances of finding the
boy were vanishingly remote. Scott
eased his boat into the bay, listening
FROM SMITHSONIAN (JULY 2017), COPYRIGHT © 2017 BY SMITHSONIAN INSTITUTION. SMITHSONIANMAG.COM
WIT AND WISDOM
Fame usually comes to those who are thinking about something else.
OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES JR.
READER’S DIGEST
for any sound in the darkness.
Finally, a voice drifted over the wa-
ter: “Help!”
Hours earlier, the current had swept
Lennard toward the sea. He swam to-
ward an oil platform, but the waves
worked against him, and he watched
the platform move slowly from his
south to his north. There was noth-
ing but sea and darkness, and still he
hoped: Maybe his hand would find a
crab trap. Maybe a buoy.
Now Kenny shined a flashlight into
his face, and Scott said, “Is that you,
Lennard?”
TEN VESSELS SANK or were de-
stroyed by the storm, and 40 people
were rescued from the water. A half-
dozen sailors died. It was one of the
worst recreational sailing disasters in
American history.
Working with the Coast Guard,
which is investigating the disaster, re-
gatta organizers have adopted more
stringent safety measures. The family
of Robert Thomas, one of the dead
sailors, is suing the Fairhope Yacht
Club for negligence and wrongful
death. At press time, the lawsuit was
set to go to trial in April.
04đ2018 | 47
 Laughter
THE BEST MEDICINE

The first art gallery opening

ONE SUNDAY MORNING, a preacher you die?”

told his congregation, “Everyone The man replied, “Oh, when I die!
ILLUSTRATION BY MIC K STEVEN S

who wants to go to heaven, come I thought you were getting a group

down to the front!” The whole
church came forward except one
man. Thinking that maybe the
man hadn’t heard him, the preacher
repeated the invitation. Again, the
man just sat there.
“Sir,” said the preacher, “don’t
you want to go to heaven when
ready to go right now.”
I WENT ON A 45-DAY DIET. It’s
going great. I’ve already lost 30 days.
Fr o m t h e In t e r n e t
A LITTLE BOY ASKS his dad,
“Where does poo come from?”

48 | 04đ2018
 His father is taken aback by the
question but decides to give his son
the facts straight up.
“Well, son,” he says, “food passes
down the esophagus by peristalsis.
It enters the stomach, where
digestive enzymes induce a probiotic
reaction in the alimentary canal.
This extracts the protein before
waste product enters the colon.
Water is absorbed, whereupon it
then enters the rectum finally to
emerge as poo.”
“Wow,” says the boy. “So where
does Tigger come from?”
S u b m i t t e d b y JAKE COOPER,
London, England
THE IRS COMBINES two of the
things we hate most in life: someone
taking our money and math.
C o m e d i a n JOHN OLIVER
BENJAMIN FRANKLIN’S TO-DO LIST
1. Lightning rod
2. Heating stove made out of iron
3. Shoes that help me swim like a
fishy
4. Get my General Education
Diploma.
5. Some kind of musical instrument.
Glass drum? Glass guitar?
6. Glasses that can be worn for near
and far
7. GO SKYDIVING!!!
8. A place to share books and all
kinds of other stuff
9. Fire-putting-outer organization
thing
10. A new nation
11. Prove lightning/electricity during
storm with key, Hula-Hoop, and/or kite
12. Live in France
13. Internet
SEAN CULLEN, mcsweeneys.net
WHEN MY BOYFRIEND plays
fantasy football, I play fantasy new
boyfriend. @BECCA_KOHLER
THAT SOUNDS FAMILIAR!
A book from Reader’s Digest
proves that there’s a
fine line between the news
and our favorite gags.
From the news:
When a seven-year-old girl
called 911 and then hung up,
the Burnett, Wisconsin, police
were dispatched to her home.
When cops arrived, they discov-
ered the problem: The girl’s
grandfather was cheating in
a game of cards.
That reminds me of a joke:
My grandfather always said,
“Don’t watch your money;
watch your health.” So one
day while I was watching
my health, someone stole my
money. It was my grandfather.
JACKIE MASON
From That Reminds Me of a Joke,
by Andy Simmons
(Reader’s Digest Books)
04đ2018 | 49
HUMOR SPECIAL

He wanted an adventure.
Thanks to his confused GPS, he got one.

Where the
@#$% Am I? BY DAVID KUSHNER FR O M OU T S I D E

BEFORE NOEL SANTILLAN became famous for getting

lost in Iceland, he was just another guy from New Jersey
looking for adventure, armed with the modern traveler’s two
essentials: a dream and, more important, a GPS unit.
50 | 04đ2018
04đ2018 | 51
READER’S DIGEST
On a frigid, pitch-black Febru-
ary morning in 2016, the 28-year-old
marketing manager was driving away
from Keflavík International Airport
in a rented Nissan hatchback toward
a hotel in Reykjavík, about 40 min-
utes away. He was excited that his
one-week journey was beginning
but groggy from the five-hour red-
eye flight. As a pink sun rose over
the ocean and illuminated the snow-
covered lava rocks along the shore,
Santillan dutifully followed the com-
mands of the GPS that came with the
SANTILLAN SENSED
SOMETHING WAS OFF
BUT DECIDED TO
TRUST THE MACHINE.
car, a calm female voice directing him
to an address on Laugarvegur Road—
a left here, a right there.
But after stopping on a desolate
gravel road next to a sign for a gas
station, Santillan got the feeling that
the voice might be steering him wrong.
He’d already been driving for nearly
an hour, yet the ETA on the GPS put his
arrival time at around 5:20 p.m., eight
hours later. He reentered his destina-
tion and got the same result. Though
he sensed that something was off, he
decided to trust the machine.
The farther he drove, the fewer
cars he saw. The roads became icier.
52 | 04đ2018
Sleeplessness fogged his brain, and
his empty stomach churned. The
only stations he could find on the
radio were airing strange talk shows in
Icelandic. He hadn’t set up his phone
for international use, so that was no
help. At around 2 p.m., as his tires
skidded along a narrow mountain
road that skirted a steep cliff, he knew
that the device had failed him.
He was lost and—despite the insis-
tence of his GPS—nowhere near his
hotel. There were no other drivers on
the road, and there was little else to do
but follow the line on the screen to its
mysterious end. “I knew I was going to
get somewhere,” he says. “I didn’t
know where else to go.”
The directions ended at a small
blue house in a tiny town. A pretty
blue-eyed blond woman answered his
knock. She smiled as he stammered
P HOTO, PREVI OUS SP READ : © ARC TIC-IMAGES/GETTY IM AGES
about his hotel and handed her his
reservation.
No, she told him, this wasn’t his
hotel, and he wasn’t in Reykjavík. That
city was 360 kilometers south. He was
in Siglufjördhur, a fishing village of
1,300 people on the northern coast.
The woman, whose name happened
to be Sirry—pronounced just like the
Apple bot that offers users directions
through life—quickly figured out what
had happened. The address on Expe-
dia (and his reservation printout) was
wrong. The hotel was on Laugavegur,
but Expedia had accidentally spelled
the street name with an extra r—
Laugarvegur.
 Siglufjördhur

Santillan checked in
to a local hotel to get a Where
good night’s sleep, with Santillan
the plan of driving to ended up
Reykjavík the next day.
ICELAND
When he told his story to
the woman at the front
desk, she chuckled. “I’m
sorry. I shouldn’t laugh
★Reykjavík Santillan’s
intended
at this,” she said, “but destination
Keflavík
it’s funny.” International Airport
The next morning,
when he went to check A few errant turns led Noel Santillan on a 360-kilo-
out, the joke became meter detour that made him an Icelandic celebrity.
On the plus side, he’s posing here with a new fan.
even grander. “Some
reporters want to talk
with you,” said the hotel receptionist. explaining to a reporter that he’d al-
Sirry had posted his absurd story ways found GPS to be so reliable in the
on her Facebook page, and it had past. By the time he made it to Reyk-
quickly been shared around. A Face- javík that evening, he had become a
book friend of hers, the editor of an full-blown sensation in the national
M AP : © BGBLUE/GETTY IM AGES . IN SET: COURTESY NOEL SANTI LLA N

Icelandic travel site, wrote a blog post media, which dubbed him the Lost
on the “extraordinary and funny in- Tourist. DV, an Icelandic tabloid,
cident.” Soon his misadventure had marveled that despite all the warning
attracted the interest of TV and radio signs, the American had “decided to
journalists. trust the [GPS].”
They weren’t the only ones who Before long, his experience made
wanted to talk with Santillan. “Every- international news, with coverage in
body in the town knew about me,” he the Daily Mail, on the BBC, and in the
says. Some Siglufjördhurians came to New York Times. The manager of the
the hotel to welcome him and take hotel in Reykjavík had seen reports
pictures. One offered him a tour of on Santillan’s odyssey and, to make
the village’s pride and joy, the Icelan- up for the traveler’s hard time, offered
dic Herring Era Museum. The chef at him a free stay and a meal at the fish
Santillan’s hotel prepared the local restaurant next door.
beef stew for him, on the house. Out in the streets, which were full
Enjoying all the hospitality, Santil- of revelers celebrating the annual
lan decided to spend an extra night. Winter Lights Festival, Icelanders
The following day, he went on TV, corralled the Lost Tourist for self-

04đ2018 | 53
READER’S DIGEST
Tiny Siglufjördhur is rarely mistaken for Reykjavík—except by the occasional GPS.
ies and plied him with shots of the
local poison, Brennivín, an unsweet-
ened schnapps. As a band played
a rock song outside, Santillan kept
hearing people shouting his name.
Some guys dragged him up a stair-
way to a strip club, where one of the
dancers also knew his name. The
whole thing seemed surreal. “I just
felt like, This isn’t happening to me,”
he says.
Still, he was going to ride it out as
long as he could. After the market-
ing manager of the country’s most
famous getaway, the Blue Lagoon
geothermal spa, wrote him offering a
free visit, Santillan headed there the
next day. The address came preloaded
in his rental car’s GPS , since it was
the one place everyone wanted to go.
As Santillan drove out under the
winter sky, he marveled at how far
54 | 04đ2018
he had come. Not long ago, he’d been
just another working stiff on his couch
in New Jersey. Now he was a rock star.
He pictured himself resting in the
cobalt blue waters, breathing in the
steam. But half an hour later, when his
GPS told him he had arrived, he got a
P HOTO: © LARIGAN - PATRICI A H AM I LTON/GETTY IM AGES
sinking feeling. Looking out the win-
dow, he saw no signs of a geothermal
spa, just a small lone building in what
seemed like the middle of nowhere.
The Lost Tourist was lost again.
For whatever reason, the GPS had
led him not to the Blue Lagoon but to
some convention center off an empty
road. As he stepped into the build-
ing, he was recognized. The fact that
Santillan was lost again made him
all the more credible. After patiently
posing for pictures, he succumbed
to an old-fashioned way of getting
to where he was going: following the
directions given to him by another
human being.
And so, with the GPS turned off,
he drove on. Before long, he was
soaking in a steamy bath, white vol-
canic mud smeared on his face.
By then he’d already vowed to re-
turn to Iceland. Maybe, he thought,
I’ll even live here at some point.
Until he returns, he has something
OUTSIDE (NOVEMBER 15, 2016), COPYRIGHT © 2016 BY MARIAH MEDIA NETWORK LLC, OUTSIDEONLINE.COM.
to remember his misadventure by:
an Icelandic GPS. The rental agency
presented it to him when he returned
his Nissan. It’s a reminder of his time
as the Lost Tourist, a nickname he
considers a badge of honor. “I like it,”
he says, “because that’s how you find
interesting things. If you don’t lose
yourself, you’re never going to find
yourself.”

RECALCULATING!

Our readers share their funniest GPS-inspired misadventures.

We were in Chattanooga when the GPS told us to turn right on Milliliter

King. The street was ML King. JESSICA MICHELLE BARNES

I was driving to a hotel to give a presentation. The GPS directed me to

exit the freeway and drive for miles on a road that went from paved to
dirt. Eventually I came to a high fence topped with barbed wire and a
gate with an armed guard. “I’m guessing that this is not a hotel,” I said to
the guard. Shaking his head slowly, he said, “Not unless you’re a guest of
the state.” RHONDA GILBERT

I was driving down south in an unfamiliar area when my GPS told me

to make a right turn. I was on a bridge. ANN CAPPELLO

I used my new navigation app to help me find my way to a writers’

conference. After a long drive, I parked my car and, first things first,
immediately headed for the crowded restroom. I found a stall and
settled in. That’s when a loud, clear voice from my phone announced,
“You’ve arrived at your destination!” ANITA MORRISON

04đ2018 | 55
No one knows what animals are thinking...
but it’s fun to speculate

Did Someone
Say
Cheese?
PHOTO: © M ELISSA AND JACKSON BRANDTS
/GETTY IMAGES

56 | 04đ2018
5…4…3…2…NOW!
An energetic squirrel
becomes the star of a
couple’s timed selfie.
58 | 04đ2018
 READER’S DIGEST

THERE GOES STAN,

HOGGING THE
CAMERA AGAIN. Two
P HOTOS : ©KEVIN S CHAF ER ( BIRDS ); ©DI ANE MAC DONALD

albatross in this flock

in the Falkland Islands
have their say.
( KITTENS): © LI KIM GOH ALL GETTY I MAGES

SELFIE! This kitten

is intent on getting in
on the craze.

WHO CAN SEE THROUGH

THESE THINGS? This Jack
Russell terrier came prepared
for a day in the country.
 CAN YOU SEE ME NOW?
The Kardashians have
nothing on these brown-
maned alpaca beauties.

HI HANDSOME. A curious
manatee comes over to say
hello to the photographer.

HEY, YOU! Finding

it hard to get his
young master’s
attention, this
Vizsla dog, a
Hungarian breed,
gets up close and
personal.

P HOTOS: © JZHUN T (A LPACAS ); © KERSTIN M EYER ( MANATEE) ;

© DEBORA H P ENDELL (DOG) ALL GETTY IM AGES

60 | 04đ2018
 Life’s Like That
HANGING UP with my 90-year-old
mother, I sighed, then said to
my 96-year-old uncle, “She’s so
stubborn.”
He shook his head sympathetically
and warned, “You’re going to have
trouble with her when she gets old.”
ANGIE KIEM, Ir w i n , Io w a
A FRIEND KNEW that she’d over-
done it with the gifts and candy last
62 | 04đ2018
Easter when her six-year-old woke
up to all the booty and shouted,
ILLUSTRATION BY JOE DI CHIARRO
“This is the best Christmas ever!”
CHRIS MCDONOUGH, W i l m i n g t o n , D e l a w a r e
AFTER FINISHING our Chinese food,
my husband and I cracked open our
fortune cookies. Mine read, “Be quiet
for a little while.” His read, “Talk
while you have a chance.”
CAROL BURKS, P r o v i d e n c e , R h o d e Is l a n d
 MY TEN-MONTH-OLD was sitting in
her high chair, twisting and moving
all over the place. My wife said to
me, “Straighten her up.”
I looked at my daughter and said,
“What are you doing with your life?
Do you want to be this way forever?
It’s time to grow up.”
My wife hasn’t asked me to do
anything since.
@TRMILLER1326, from reddit.com
FI RST PUBLISHED IN 2 014 BY AURUM PRESS LIM I TED, COPY RIGHT © 2014 TE L E G RAPH ME D IA G ROU P
SCENE: My cousin Matt and his
daughter at Chick-fil-A.
Matt: Can I please get a four-
piece kids’ meal with white milk.
[Pause] Oh, and gimme an extra
white milk.
Clerk: Um … We only have one kind
of milk, and it’s pretty white.
PAUL SILVERMAN, Mo h e g a n L a k e , Ne w Yo r k
AS IF THE declining health of my
grandmother weren’t enough, my
parents suddenly had to contend
I’LL MEET YOU AT BURGER QUEEN
Good news! Thanks to these cheap knockoffs, Americans can travel overseas
and still enjoy a slice of home. From The Mad World of Sign Language (Aurum Press)
with an ant infestation. So I was glad
to get a text from Mom updating me:
“Exterminator was here; thinks she
got the nest behind the microwave.
She sprayed, and hundreds came
out—dead and woozy. Grandma
Marie the same.”
JENNIFER SHAFER, D u r h a m , N o r t h C a r o l i n a
MAPQUEST really needs to start its
directions on number five. Pretty
sure I know how to get out of my
neighborhood.
AARON KARO, from ruminations.com
MY FIANCÉ AND I went to a coun-
selor to work on our communication
issues. Using herself as an example,
the counselor crossed her legs and
her arms and exhaled loudly. I was
about to say she was showing signs
of frustration, but my fiancé beat
me to it, yelling, “I’ve got it! You’re
constipated!”
TRACY VANCE, O c a l a , F l o r i d a
04đ2018 | 63
 You’ll get more out of life if you
go through it with a smile

Why it Pays
to Be
Happy
BY LISA FIELDS

A
MAJOR HEALTH SCARE WAS JUST WHAT 48-YEAR-OLD
Kaye Newton needed to kickstart her transformation
into a happier person. Before her illness, Newton, an
author who lives in Nashville, was a self-described
hypochondriac, always worrying about what pitfalls
might be lurking in her future. But once she faced actual adversity,
she learned how to change her perspective.

64 | 04đ2018 ILLUSTRATIONS BY RYAN TODD

READER’S DIGEST
“Surgery helped me realize that
worrying about my health doesn’t
protect me from illness or prepare
me for an operation,” Newton says.
“I worry less now. I’m happier, and
I consciously pay more attention  to
what is going on right now.” Her book,
Incision Decisions, deals with remain-
ing positive after surgery.
“Satisfaction with
relationships is the
strongest predictor of
happiness we have,”
says Meik Wiking.
The longer you live, the more likely
you are to become a happier person.
Countless research studies have shown
that over a person’s lifespan, happiness
inhabits a U-shaped curve: We’re hap-
piest during childhood and old age.
During early adulthood, happiness lev-
els steadily decrease, bottoming out in
our mid-40s. By age 50, our happiness
levels are on the rise once again.
The dip on the happiness curve is
understandable, given the stress and
significant life changes that take place
during our 20s, 30s, and 40s: Working
long hours. Establishing a career. Get-
ting married. Raising small children.
Socking away money for the future.
But what about the boost on the
66 | 04đ2018
happiness curve? After living life for
45 or 50 years, the experience that
we’ve gained helps us to put things in
perspective.
“By the time we have lived six de-
cades or more, most have seen that
life has as many downs as ups,” says
Lisa F. Carver, an adjunct professor in
the sociology department at Queen’s
University in Kingston, Ontario. “The
optimism of youth, which can reflect
a magical type of thinking that success
in life is inevitable, is replaced by the
reality that things aren’t always good.
However, there is also the understand-
ing that good can come from bad.”
Learning to put life events in per-
spective can help you become happier
as you age. And it pays to be happy:
You’ll see benefits in your relation-
ships, your work, your health, your
attitude, and other aspects of your life.
Happiness & Relationships
Do you have friends or relatives whom
you can confide in? If you do, you’re
automatically happier than people
who have no one to turn to for advice
or companionship.
“Satisfaction with relationships is
the strongest predictor of happiness
we have,” says Meik Wiking, CEO of the
Happiness Research Institute in Co-
penhagen. “It comes up in happiness
data all the time. Loneliness is one of
the biggest challenges in the U.S. and
also Europe and many other regions.”
Research shows that people who are
married or who live with their partners
tend to be happier than unattached
people, simply because they’re less
likely to be lonely.
“People who have someone to
count on in times of trouble are hap-
pier than people who don’t,” says
happiness researcher John Helliwell,
an advisor to the Happiness Research
Institute and professor emeritus of
economics at the University of British
Columbia in Vancouver. “People who
are married are more likely to have
someone to count on than someone
who isn’t married.”
Helliwell’s research has found that
marriage gives a long-term boost to
happiness, to the point where the
midlife dip toward unhappiness isn’t
as pronounced among married peo-
ple. The happiest people of all are
those who consider their spouses to
be their best friends. Helliwell’s re-
search is the first to examine the in- Happiness & Work
tersection of marriage and friendship Researchers have studied job traits
and its effects on happiness. that lead to happiness and greater
“Calling your spouse your best life satisfaction. Most people prefer a
friend is another way of saying ‘I’ve good work-life balance above all else.
got a pretty happy marriage,” Helliwell “Variety and learning new things
says. “It’s not surprising if you think are important, but not as important as
about it that way. They are happy work-life balance,” says Jan-Emman-
about being married.” uel  De  Neve, associate professor of
Carol Gee of Atlanta, Georgia, has economics and strategy at the Univer-
been married to the same man for 44 sity of Oxford’s Saïd Business School.
years. “If you feel that your job is preventing
“I realize I am actually happy and you from giving time to your family or
not just staying in the relationship be- partner, or if you worry about work
cause we have invested so much time problems even when you’re not work-
together,” Gee says. “I don’t believe in ing, or if you’re too tired after work to
not being happy.” enjoy things, that has a massive effect

04đ2018 | 67
READER’S DIGEST
on well-being.”
Retirement, as expected, enhances
happiness in most adults. “This is due
to two things,” De Neve says. “One is
related to being able to do more, be-
cause the work-life balance shifts
more to life. There’s more time for
leisure. The other item is that people
start adapting their expectations,
which may have been overly high
when you started out. You accept the
outcome of your life.”
“Optimistic older adults
have the ability to cope
with the curve balls
of life,” says Lisa Carver.
“They are resilient.”
Happiness & Health
Live long enough and you’ll likely expe-
rience illness or disability. But with the
right attitude, these setbacks won’t affect
your happiness levels.
“We have learned from our study
participants that aging with illness
and loss are challenges that brought
new insights and appreciation of life,”
Carver says.
Researchers in Italy found that peo-
ple who have a positive perception of
aging are happier than those that have
a negative perception of aging.
“The positive perception of aging
68 | 04đ2018
is not always correlated with having
good health,” says geriatric specialist
Ligia Dominguez at the University of
Palermo, one of the study authors. “In
our everyday clinical practice, we wit-
ness touching examples of this human
ability—called resilience—in the guise
of many older persons who indepen-
dently, or with family and/or social
support, maintain a good quality of
life and declare feeling well, in spite
of their health ailments.”
Happiness & Self-Care
Optimism and resilience can help you
be happy into old age.
“The mechanism for the association
between optimism and successful ag-
ing may very well be that optimistic
older adults have the ability to cope
with the curve balls of life,” Carver
says. “They are resilient. They express
life satisfaction despite upset plans
and losses, because they have adapted
their expectations and have accepted
that events that may logically be con-
sidered negative can have positive
outcomes.”
Life has taken Maggie Georgopou-
los, 46, of Glasgow on a winding path
through a number of jobs and conti-
nents, but she’s found happiness in
the life that she’s created.
“My happiness comes from within
me,” Georgopoulos says. “Because
I have created a path to the life that
I would like to live, I am okay when
things go wrong. This is because I can
see the good that will eventually come.”
Happiness Pointers for Life
If you’re hoping to remain happy un-
til your final days, researchers recom-
mend the following:
r
"EKVTU
ZPVS
BUUJUVEF
You may not
be able to control what happens to you,
but you can control how you react.
“It is possible to develop the habit
of seeing the positive side of things,”
Dominguez says. “Many people com-
plain of not being happy, but they also
do nothing to change it.”
Learning to be more optimistic is a
good first step.
“Start by recognizing negative
thoughts as they arise, and question
them,” Dominguez says. “For example:
Is the situation really as bad as I think?
Is there another way to approach it?
What can I learn from this experience
and apply it in the future?”
r
*OUFSBDU
EJGGFSFOUMZ
XJUI
ZPVS

TQPVTF After decades together, many
husbands and wives become so famil-
iar with one another, they’re not as
kind to each other as they should be.
This can lead to tension and unhappi-
ness in a marriage, which affects daily
happiness levels.
“It’s not fair to treat your spouse as
toughly as you treat yourself,” Helli-
well says. “Ask yourself: Is this the sort
of behavior that I would use on a good
friend? If you treat your spouse the
way you treat your friend, it should
involve less taking for granted and an
increase of the positivity.”
r
'PDVT
PO
XIBU
ZPV
IBWF If you’re
more frail or less mobile than you
were years ago, be thankful that you
still have your wits about you, when
so many others suffer from dementia
and memory loss.
“That is an excellent example of a
positive and optimistic person who
appreciates what she has instead of
concentrating on what she does not
have,” Dominguez says. “Being grate-
ful is part of cultivating a positive
attitude. Looking for opportunities
to savor the small pleasures of daily
life, focusing on the positive aspects
at that moment, without concentrat-
ing on the shadows of the past or bad
thoughts that may upset the moment.”
r
(JWF
CBDL After you retire, you’ll
find more purpose in life and have
more reasons to connect with others
on a regular basis if you volunteer in
your community.
“It’s beneficial to get more in-
volved,” Wiking says, “especially if
you’re at the stage when you’re leav-
ing your work behind, so all of your
identity isn’t attached to your profes-
sion.”
Find a cause or an organization
that’s meaningful to you, then find out
how you can help.
“I think people see volunteer work
as good for other people, but we over-
look the benefit we get out of it our-
selves,” Wiking says. “It’s a way to
make and meet new friends. It also,
perhaps, helps people become more
grateful for what they have, because
some sorts of charity work expose you
to how the other half lives.”
04đ2018 | 69
Enter the zany world of conceptual
museums—featuring failed love affairs,

Strange
doomed inventions and terrible art BY TIM HULSE

Attractıons

PHOTO/I LLUSTRATION CREDI T

| 04đ2018
[[1L]] PHOTO/ILLUSTRATION CREDIT
 IN A QUIET CORNER OF AN 18TH-CENTURY PALACE
IN ZAGREB stands a white plinth on which sits a
foot-long, multicolored caterpillar made of felt.
Some of its legs are missing and lie forlornly next
to it. Close to it is a card on which are printed the
following words: “I had this big, truly big love, a
long-distance relationship, Sarajevo–Zagreb. It

lasted for 20 months. Of course, we dreamed of a

life together and with that in mind I bought this
huge caterpillar. Every time we would see each
other, we would tear off one leg.
“When we ran out of legs to tear, that would be the time to
start a life together. But naturally, as is often the case with
Dražen great loves, the relationship broke, and so the caterpillar
Grubišić did not become a complete invalid after all.”
and Olinka The caterpillar and its accompanying sad tale is one
Vištica got of just over a hundred exhibits in the Museum of Broken
the idea for
Relationships, a time capsule of ill-fated affairs contained
the Museum
of Broken in a few small rooms in Croatia’s capital city.
Relationships Each object on display tells a story. Sometimes it’s very
from their short: a toaster is accompanied by the words, “When I
own break-up. moved out, and across the country, I took the toaster.

PHOTOGRAPHED BY DOMENICO PUGLIESE 04đ2018 | 71

READER’S DIGEST
That’ll show you. How are you going
to toast anything now?”
Other objects have much longer
tales to tell, of jinxed holiday
romances, first loves, office affairs.
The objects themselves are gener-
ally quite mundane (a rolling pin,
a wedding dress), but the stories
attached to them provoke laughter,
sadness, and sometimes even shock.
For instance, an axe is accompa-
nied by the story of how a German
woman’s lover left her for another
woman and went on holiday with her.
So the jilted partner bought an axe and
destroyed a piece of her former girl-
friend’s furniture each day her ex was
away. “The more her room filled with
chopped furniture acquiring the look
of my soul, the better I felt,” she wrote.
IN A SMALL GLASS CASE JUST INSIDE
the entrance to the museum is one
This axe from the
Museum of Broken
Relationships has a
curious story to tell.
object of particular significance. It’s a
fluffy white toy rabbit accompanied by
the words: “The bunny was supposed
to travel the world but never got
further than Iran.”
It once belonged to the museum’s
founders, Olinka Vištica and Dražen
Grubišić. The idea was that if either of
them traveled alone, they would take
the bunny in place of their partner.
They broke up after four years, and
the bunny took on another role—as
the founding exhibit in their idea for
a totally novel kind of museum.
“I think we were one of those
couples that just run out of fuel,”
Vištica recalls at the museum on a
rainy afternoon. “We were still young
and not ready to settle down.” They
were both artists and had met on the
local arts scene. As their relationship
broke down, they would have “inter-
minable conversations late at night
about what to do with the residues of
a past love affair.”
One “crazy” idea was to set up a
COURTESY M USEUM OF BROKEN RELATION SHIP S
museum containing all their senti-
mental bric-a-brac. They forgot all
about it until 2006, two years after
their split, when Grubišić was consid-
ering ideas for an art show in Zagreb
and he remembered that crazy idea.
He gave Vištica a call.
“The idea was to try to create this
space where we could poetically store
all the emotional heritage of broken
relationships,” says Vištica. “We
thought the best thing to represent it
was by using a shared object and the
 OTHER WACKY SHOWS

Museum of Bad Art “plastination” techniques forget your smiley face.

Massa- of German anatomist
chusetts, Gunther von Hagens, Vampire Museum
U.S. who uses polymers to Paris, France
Privately preserve anything from The world’s only vampire
owned a single organ to a whole museum, nestled in a
with 500 human body. suitably gloomy Parisian
pieces of alleyway and run by
“art too Museum of Happiness self-proclaimed
bad to be ignored.” London, U.K. “vampirologist” Jacques
Highlights include the An “experiential Sirgent (by day an
“Mana Lisa” (pictured). adventure” offering English teacher).
interactive exhibitions,
Plastinarium workshops and events Museum of Failure
Guben, Germany on a theme of happiness Helsingborg, Sweden
Dedicated to the and well-being. Don’t (see main story overleaf).

story attached to it, as we ourselves of broken relationships opening in

were surrounded by objects that each
had their own story.”
With just ten days to go before the
show’s opening, the pair desperately
emailed friends and relations to
gather exhibits, which they installed
in an old shipping container outside
the gallery. The Museum of Broken
Relationships was born.
They weren’t, however, prepared
COURTESY OF THE MUSEUM OF BAD A RT
Zagreb, and we’d say, ‘No, it’s just a
shipping container with 40 objects
in the yard of an art gallery and it’s
not going to be there much longer!’
It turned into a snowball. We just let
it roll and it caught up a lot of snow.”
After the exhibition ended, the
museum began touring the world—
as it has continued to do to this
day, visiting more than 40 locations,

for the reaction. “For me, it was just
another art project. I’d do it and then
move on to something else,” says
Grubišić, laughing. “Then it started to
take on a life of its own, and we were
following it.”
“It was a very popular show and
caught the attention of the interna-
tional media, which was a total shock
for us,” says Vištica. “We had Reuters
calling, asking about the first museum
from major cities such as New York,
London, and Berlin to smaller places
such as Kilkenny in Ireland and
Whitehorse in Canada’s Yukon.
IN 2009, THE COUPLE BORROWED
money in order to fund a permanent
home for their collection in Zagreb.
It was Croatia’s first private museum,
the government having decided the
idea was too “weird” to fund them-

04đ2018 | 73
READER’S DIGEST
selves. The museum has become one
of the most popular attractions in
Zagreb.
The pair, who remain good friends,
now have a staff of 20 and recently
oversaw the founding of a second
museum in Los Angeles. As for their
own relationships, Grubišić is now
married with a young daughter, while
Vištica will only say cryptically that
she has “a couple of intrigues.”
They receive new objects and
stories two or three times a week. In
a storage depot sit more than 2,500
objects, all waiting for their time
in the limelight. Both Vištica and
Grubišić see this as an evolving artis-
tic endeavor.
And what have they learned about
love and relationships from all these
stories? “It’s all just as perplexing as it
was,” says Vištica. “I’m not smarter—if
it’s possible to be smart in something
like this. If anything, I’ve learned that
relationships are what count when
you’re alive and they’re something
that makes us really human. No
matter how different our cultures, or
however short the period of interac-
tion is, it’s something precious. And
we should celebrate it.”
“I think it’s taught me that truth
is stranger than any fiction,” adds
Grubišić with a grin.
ONE PERSON WHO WAS “BLOWN
away” by a visit to the museum is
psychologist and innovation expert
Samuel West. He went there in the
74 | 04đ2018
summer of 2016, and it’s safe to say it
changed his life. For some time he’d
been trying to find an interesting way
of communicating his research into
business failures, and suddenly a light
bulb lit up above his head.
“I was fascinated by how they could
communicate an abstract concept
with concrete items and short stories,”
he says. “It was there and then I
decided I was starting a Museum of
Failure. It was a eureka moment.”
West is an ebullient Californian who
married a Swede and ended up living
in Helsingborg, Sweden. Fired with
enthusiasm by his trip to Zagreb, he
successfully applied for funding from
the Swedish government to set up his
own museum, which opened in Hels-
ingborg last June for a limited period.
It turned out to be a big hit with
the general public. “No attraction in
Sweden has got such positive press
in such a short amount of time,”
says West.
As a result of its popularity, it has
now reopened in the city’s Dunkers
cultural center. On show will be more
than 70 objects that satisfy West’s key
criteria for inclusion: “It has to be an
innovation, it has to be a failure, and it
has to be somewhat interesting.”
This means the inclusion of
high-profile turkeys such as New
Coke, but also less well-known
unsuccessful brand extensions,
such as Harley-Davidson perfume
and Colgate frozen dinners, entitled
Colgate Kitchen Entrees. And there
 Museum of Failure’s Samuel West with the Nokia
N-Gage gaming mobile; a Colgate frozen dinner.

are unwanted gadgets such as the
Rejuvenique Electric Facial Mask.
This “rejuvenating” facial mask looks
like something from a horror film and
gives mild electric shocks to the user’s
face. It wasn’t a hit.
One of West’s favorites is Frito-Lay’s
Wow range of potato crisps made with
olestra, a calorie-free fat substitute
that can cause diarrhea. “You won’t
get fat, but you might be sitting on the
toilet for a long time!” he hoots.
COURTESY OF MUSEUM OF FAI LURE
it, that doesn’t encourage creativity,”
says West. “It’s important to know
that even huge brands like Coca-Cola
sometimes risk getting it wrong.”
Fittingly, West experienced a fail-
ure of his own while setting up the
museum. “One of the first things I
did was to buy the Internet domain
of museumoffailure.com,” he says.
“I was very happy that it was still avail-
able. Then a couple of days later I got
the receipt and to my surprise it said,

Joking aside, the museum does ‘Congratulations, you have bought

have a serious point. “If people are musumoffailure.com.’ I missed out the
afraid of failing and get penalized for ‘e’. I really screwed up!”

WISE WORDS
Comedy is tragedy — plus time.
CAROL BURNETT

04đ2018 | 75
The correct etiquette for
eating out around the world

Watch
Your Table
Manners BY MICHAEL KALLINGER

IF YOU’RE TRAVELING ABROAD, whether for business or

pleasure. sooner or later you will find yourself in a local restaurant.
The correct etiquette for dining out can be just as diverse and
confusing as the options on the menu, so I asked my Reader’s Digest
colleagues around the world for advice. In the following pages, I
share with you their dos and don’ts for visitors to their countries.

76 | 04đ2018 ILLUSTRATIONS BY JAN BAZING

 EUROPE
Austria: No such thing
as “just coffee”
Vienna is the unofficial coffeehouse
capital of the world. The first one was
opened in 1685 by an Armenian mer-
chant from Istanbul named Johannes
Diodato.
Today, the multitude of coffees on
offer in Austria can be daunting for
visitors. “Never just order ‘a coffee’;
the waiter will expect you to be more
specific,” says Gerd Grabul from our
Vienna bureau. Choose from a kleiner
Brauner (espresso with a dash of milk),
a großer Schwarzer (double espresso),
a Fiaker (espresso with whipped cream
04đ2018 | 77
READER’S DIGEST
and a shot of rum), an Einspänner (es-
presso with plenty of whipped cream),
a Verlängerter (equal measures of es-
presso and hot water), or a Kapuziner
(with a shot of cream).
If you also treat yourself to a serving
of apple strudel or Sacher torte, you
will soon understand why people love
going to Viennese coffeehouses but
are so reluctant to leave!
Finland: Not the cheapest
place to eat out
The Nanny State Index 2017, an initia-
tive of the European Policy Information
“In expensive restaurants in France, women are
often given a menu with no prices. The men pay.”
STÉPHANE CALMEYN, Editor-in- Chief, Reader ’s Digest F rance
Center, rates Finland as the worst coun-
try “to eat, drink, and smoke,” because of
high prices. “Finland has the highest al-
cohol taxes in Europe,” says Ilkka Virta-
nen, editor-in-chief of our Finnish edi-
tion. “The fact that staff are paid a higher
rate for working late hours and week-
ends also pushes restaurant prices up.”
As a result, in Finland you are not
expected to tip the waiter, although
you may wish to round up the bill.
Hanna Immonen, managing editor
of our Helsinki bureau, has a tip for
pet owners—or people who are aller-
gic to dog hair. “There is usually a sign
on the door saying if dogs are allowed
inside the restaurant.”
78 | 04đ2018
France: As madam pleases
In the land of Michelin and Gault &
Millau, people don’t only insist on out-
standing food and fine wines—they
also set great store by impeccable table
manners, at least in up-market restau-
rants. “Never put your elbows on the
table—and it is the fork that goes to the
mouth, not the mouth to the fork,” says
Stéphane Calmeyn, editor-in-chief of
our French edition.
The French are old-fashioned about
paying the bill, too. “It’s usually the
man who pays,” says Calmeyn. “In
expensive restaurants, women are of-
ten given a menu with no prices. The
men pay. If she wants an aperitif or a
starter, then he will order one, too.”
Germany: Don’t wait
to be seated
It is perfectly acceptable to choose
your own table. “Particularly at lunch-
time, and in none-too-fancy restau-
rants, choosing any seat you like is
still widely practiced,” says Doris Ko-
chanek, executive editor of our Ger-
man edition. Tables that have been
booked in advance will be marked
with a “Reserviert” sign. “Steer clear of
those and the Stammtisch, the regu-
lars’ table found in many rural inns,”
adds Kochanek. That is where (mostly
male) locals swig the famous German
beer and play cards.
“A custom that has many of my in-
ternational colleagues shaking their
heads is the splitting of the bill,” she
says. Once you ask to pay, most wait-
ers will ask you whether you want
the bill as a single sum or separately.
“Unless the patrons are a family or a
couple, paying separately is fine.”
Italy: No spoons please
How to eat spaghetti—with or with-
out a spoon? There is only one correct
way. “Adults, at least, should use only
a fork. You neatly wind the spaghetti
around it on the side of your plate,”
says our Italian translator Mario Gi-
acchetta. “It does take a little practice,
but you soon get the hang of it.” The
one thing that is worse than using a
spoon is using a knife. “Cutting up
your spaghetti is an absolute no-no,”
says Mario.
The Netherlands: Give the
local food a miss
The candid counsel provided by Paul
Robert, editor-in-chief of our Dutch
edition, may not go down well with his
fellow countrymen. “Don’t ask for typi-
cal Dutch food,” he warns foreign visi-
tors, “except for a taste of our fantastic
honey-filled stroopwafels and a bite of
smoked eel, a true delicacy.”
In any case, there are only a hand-
ful of restaurants that serve traditional
Dutch cuisine. “In the last 30 years, a
fantastic food culture has evolved that
combines influences from all over the
world,” adds Robert. “But if you really
must taste a Dutch endive stew with
smoked sausage and mustard, get
yourself invited to a private home.”
Norway: It helps to
have long arms
Whereas in some countries, reaching
across the table is frowned upon, in
Norway it is perfectly acceptable to
04đ2018 | 79
READER’S DIGEST
lean across someone to get the salt,
pepper or butter. “We call it ‘Norwegian
arms’,” explains Carina Mælen of our
Norwegian edition. The custom means
you aren’t constantly pestering other
guests to pass you this or that.
Another thing you are allowed to
do is toast with an empty glass. Not
because alcohol is so expensive in
Norway, but “because a toast is con-
sidered a symbolic action, and there
is no need to always wait until every
last person has filled their glass,” says
Mælen.
Poland: The gentleman
always pays
There are some unspoken rules for din-
ers in Polish restaurants. “Because they
make most of their profit from the
drinks, there is a certain amount of gen-
tle pressure to order a cold drink with
your meal and a coffee or tea to finish,”
explains Piotr Wierzbowski, edi-
tor-in-chief of our Polish publications.
“It’s perfectly OK to split the bill, but if
possible you should warn the waiter
when you order. However, if you are a
man dining out with a woman, you will
be expected to pay the bill yourself.”
Portugal: Never pick your
teeth at the table
The Portuguese are an easygoing people
who are very tolerant of foreign visitors’
ways. But this tolerance suddenly evap-
orates if you start picking your teeth at
the table. Hanna Immonen remembers
the time she asked the waiter for a tooth-
80 | 04đ2018
pick in a Lisbon restaurant: “Our Portu-
guese friends were really shocked.”
Mário Costa, editor-in-chief of our
Portuguese edition, has this advice:
“Never use a toothpick at the table in
Portugal, not even if you hide it behind
your hand.”
Spain: A time and place
to split the bill
When you enter a bar or restaurant in
Spain, the waiter will usually show you
to a table, so don’t just barge through
and sit wherever you like. Under no cir-
cumstances should you ask other cus-
tomers if you can join them at their
table. “There are one or two special
pubs where you can do this, but it is far
from common,” says Natalia Alonso,
editor-in-chief of our Spanish edition.
When it comes to paying, different
regions have different traditions. “You
normally only split the bill for big fam-
ily or friends meals,” says Alonso, who
lives in Madrid. “In Catalonia people
generally split the bill, whereas in An-
dalusia it is more common that some-
one buys the first round and later
someone else does so.”
Switzerland: Fondues
are for winter
Chocolate and cheese are two foods that
Switzerland is known for worldwide.
“But Switzerland’s famous cheese fon-
due is only ever eaten in winter,” says Al-
exander VitoliÇ, executive editor at
Reader’s Digest Switzerland. It is served
with white bread and boiled potatoes
accompanied by tea or white wine—
never red wine. If you are a fan of melted
cheese, you can always order a raclette
at warmer times of the year.
U.K.: Restaurant
intelligence
Alex Finer, editor-in-chief of our Euro-
pean bureau in London, has a tip for
booking a table at a British restaurant.
“Announce your name on the phone,
as if you are a regular customer, and re-
quest a good table. If you are still given
a table next to the toilets, ask to be
moved to another one of your choice.
Or simply leave the restaurant.”
A similarly proactive attitude
“Splitting the restaurant bill is commonplace
in Brazil, even if you’ve invited friends.”
RAQUEL ZAMPIL, Editor-in- Chief, Rea der ’s Dige st Brazil
comes in handy when a restaurant
adds an “optional service charge” of
10 to 12 percent to your bill. “It takes
a bold diner to remove this before
paying, even if you’ve had indifferent
service,” says Finer.
If you want to make sure your
waiter receives a tip, and you are
paying by credit card, ask whether
the service charge will go directly to
your waiter as a tip.
“If it doesn’t, pay the bill on your
card without the service charge and
leave what you consider to be an ap-
propriate cash tip.”
THE AMERICAS
Argentina: Privacy is sacred
You won’t catch anyone sharing a table
with strangers in an Argentinian res-
taurant. “That would go completely
against the privacy that people expect
when they go out for a meal together,”
says Daniel Weigandt, editor-in-chief
of our Argentinian edition. “The rule
even applies in fast-food chains!”
Tipping is mandatory in Argen-
tina, although the amount depends
on the service. “If you have to wait
more than 30 minutes for your order,
it is seen as a sign that the chef can’t
be very good,” says Weigandt. “By the
same token, if your food arrives on
the table in under 15 minutes, people
will suspect that it hasn’t been freshly
cooked.”
Invited to a private home for
dinner? “Whatever you do, don’t be
early or even punctual. Ideally, you
should get there 10 to 15 minutes
late. And don’t forget to bring a gift for
the host!”
Brazil: Collect your bottles
Splitting the bill? “That’s commonplace
in Brazil,” says Raquel Zampil, edi-
tor-in-chief of our Brazilian edition. “In
04đ2018 | 81
READER’S DIGEST
many restaurants, the bill is already
equally divided by the number of peo-
ple in your party when they bring it to
you.” In many Brazilian bars, people
traditionally keep track of how much
they owe. “When you go out in a large
group, you collect your empty bottles
under or next to the table, so that you
can simply count them up at the end of
the night,” says Zampil.
U.S.A.: Don’t forget to tip
Tipping has always been a tricky issue for
travelers to the United States. Tradition-
ally, the understanding has been that the
waitstaff in most local restaurants are so
reliant on tips to make up their pay that
these are only notionally optional.
“The standard in the U.S. has long
been to add 15 to 20 percent to the final
bill as a tip,” says Thomas Dobrowolski,
global rights manager of our U.S. busi-
ness. “But in certain tourist destina-
tions, such as Miami Beach, a tip is now
almost universally added to the bill by
the restaurant, usually in the amount of
18 percent.” Don’t accidentally tip twice!
Once they have cut up their food, most
Americans put down the knife and switch
the fork to their right hand. But be care-
ful to keep your left hand hidden from
view if you’re not using it. Resting your
hand—or worse still, your entire arm—
on the table is the height of bad manners!
AUSTRALIA
Australia: Bring your own
“One of the greatest of all Australian
82 | 04đ2018
dining traditions is ‘bring your own,’”
says Greg Barton, humor editor, Read-
er’s Digest Australia. “Customers can
bring their own alcoholic drinks with
them to the restaurant, although this is
most commonly limited to wine only.”
Restaurants make some money
by charging “corkage,” which usu-
ally comes to between four and eight
Australian dollars per person. “It’s
left to restaurants to determine their
own corkage fee,” says Greg. “While
some don’t charge anything at all, fan-
cier foodie hotspots have been known
to hit you for $30 to $50 a bottle.” In-
quire beforehand, so that the cheap
bottle that you dug out of the cellar
at home doesn’t suddenly cost you
a fortune.
ASIA
India: Careful with
that bowl
At the end of a meal in a restaurant that
serves traditional Indian food, the
waiter might place bowls containing
warm water and a lemon slice next to
each diner. These are not some sort of
Ayurvedic after-dinner drinks! “They
are finger bowls, as many local patrons
prefer to use their hands to eat Indian
food,” explains Gagan Dhillon, contrib-
uting editor with our Indian edition in
Noida, near New Delhi.
“When it comes to paying, get ready
for a battle of ‘who’ll pay the bill’ or at
least a brief tussle, especially if you have
been invited for a meal,” says Chitra
Subramanyam, deputy editor. “If your
host insists on paying—which he or
she will—it is best to graciously thank
them. If you would like to split the bill,
settle that question beforehand.”
Taiwan: Do not rap
on your glass
“For the Chinese, eating together is
about strengthening bonds and rela-
tionships,” says Raycine Chang, man-
aging editor of the Chinese edition, Tai-
wan. “We like meals to be as happy and
casual as possible.”
If you should feel the need to
make a toast in China you may. Do
avoid rapping on your glass, though,
to catch the others’ attention. That
would be inappropriate behavior in
China, because in the old days, street
beggars would often rap their bowls
asking for food. “If you want to ex-
press your gratitude toward your host,
for example, you would involve him in
conversation and then raise your glass
and say ‘To you’,” explains Chang.
Thailand: Show your
appreciation
It’s always a nice gesture to know some
words and phrases in the local language.
In Thailand, the words you need to
know are “Mai pet kah” for the ladies
and “Mai pet krap” for the gentlemen.
They mean “Not hot, please.” If you like
to breathe a bit of fire after eating, give
“Ped nid noi kah/krap” a try.
“Show that you appreciate the fine
food you’ve been served,” says re-
nowned illustrator Ingo Fast, who lives
in Thailand. “Make a bit of noise
munching and smacking your lips.”
Too shy to do that? Well then, there is
another phrase you should know: “Aroi
mak mak—really delicious!”
Michael Kallinger is editor-in-chief of our
German edition.
04đ2018 | 83
 ALL IN

A Day’s Work

“It hurts when I do this, Doctor.”

NEW YORK TIMES writer Amy appreciative. One student paid me

Chozick giving an example of what the ultimate compliment when she
it was like working for a fashion mag- said, “You teach English good.” An-
ILLUSTRATION BY J. C. DUF FY

azine: “A girl got on [the elevator]
with a Birkin bag, and her friend
goes, ‘Oh, my God, I love your bag;
is that new?’ and she goes, ‘No, I got
it, like, a week ago.’” Source: cosmopolitan.com
MY ESL (English as a second lan-
guage) students try so hard and are so
other assured me, “I will always forget
you.” And a third insisted, “I thank
you from the heart of my bottom.”
ELLEN ISRAEL, A l a m o, C a l i f o r n i a
A MAN CALLED, furious about an
Orlando, Florida, vacation package
we had booked for him: He was

84 | 04đ2018
expecting an ocean-view hotel Brainteasers: Answers
room. I explained that was not
possible, since Orlando is in the METEOR SHOWERS BRING
middle of the state. “Don’t lie to me,” SPRING FLOWERS
he said. “I looked on the map, and Cosmofilium jupibristo. The first
Florida is a very thin state.” half of the top term tells the color
Source: hotelstories.freeservers.com of the flower’s center; the last half
is the petal color. The first half of
I SENT A REMINDER to a client that the bottom term tells the shape of
it was time to visit the eye doctor. the flower’s center; the last half is
He called back to inform me that the shape of the petals.
he would not be coming in be- MATCH GAME
cause, as he put it, “I have a new Two. The remain-
obstetrician.” ing internal square
SARAH PARCHERT, Ho s c h t o n , G e o r g i a
could be placed as
shown or in any
AN AD FOR a hedge clipper that
of the other three
I had to read twice: “A built-in safety positions.
switch prevents accidental starting,
and blades will stop when you take NUMBER GENERATOR
one hand off.” Consider the three
5 2 8
MICHAEL GOLDSTONE, Ma n c h e s t e r, E n g l a n d numbers in each row to
8 0 4
be a single three-digit
6 4 4 number. Doubling that
HERE’S SOME ADVICE: At a job
interview, tell them you’re willing number generates the three-digit
to give 110 percent. Unless the job number that goes into the corre-
is a statistician. sponding row of the next grid.
C o m e d i a n ADAM GROPMAN
1-2-3 GO
3
A WELSH POLITICIAN asked the
government for information about 2
1
UFO sightings and if it might fund 1
UFO research. Officials wrote back, 3
2 1 2
“jang vIDa je due luq … ach
ghotvam’e’ QI’yaH devolve qaS.” 1 2 3 3

Which means, “The minister will 3 2 1

reply in due course. However, this is 3 2

a non-devolved matter,” in Klingon. 1

Source: bbc.com

04đ2018 | 85
BORDEAUX
Now halfway through a massive 30-year development
project, the “sleeping beauty” is waking up

86 | 04đ2018
RISING BY PAUL ROBERT

The water mirror at

the Place de la Bourse
A
AT A TABLE ON A SMALL TERRACE
overlooking the Garonne River, I’ve
just finished a classic southern French
dish of scallops and shellfish. The res-
taurant seems to be one of the last on
the block to cater to more locals than
tourists. I sip from a glass of cognac
with my coffee and wait for the mo-
ment when the bright sky reaches that
post-sunset shade of dark blue. As it
nears, I finish my glass and walk 200
meters to join a throng on the bou-
levard, across from the Place de la
Bourse.
We gather at the edge of the miroir
d’eau (“water mirror”). It is a shallow
pool the size of a sports field that goes
through an eternal 15-minute cycle of
filling with about two centimeters of
water, then emptying out.
After a couple of minutes, the wa-
ter has drained away, leaving a field
of flat, wet stones to create a perfect
reflection of the magnificent 18th-
century buildings framing this elegant
square. At precisely that moment, the
floodlights at the foot of the building
facades switch on, creating an image
of instant beauty that is received with
a mix of “wows” and “ohs” and the
clicking of cameras.
It’s the ultimate iconic image of
the city of Bordeaux. The whole thing
lasts a minute or two, then it’s gone.
The sky turns black, and the tiny holes
between the water mirror’s tiles start
spewing a thin vapor of droplets at the
beginning of its next “fill” cycle.
P HOTO, PREVI OUS SP READ: ©SARANYA33/SHU TTE RSTOCK
SATISFIED, I CROSS the street to reac-
quaint myself with the Old City, which
I last visited ten years ago, before the
water mirror was built. I have fond
memories of its limestone buildings
and laid-back atmosphere. Although
Bordeaux is some 2,000 years old, the
entire Old City, with few exceptions, is
made up of these limestone buildings,
the result of a radical city moderniza-
tion around 1750 directed by the Mar-
quis de Tourny, at the time the king’s
governor, whose name graces a square
and some shops.
I pass the imposing structures along

the quai and stroll the narrow streets
behind it, which are lined with res-
taurants, wine bars, and shops. This
contrast is what I always liked so
much about this city, the capital of
the southwestern region of Nouvelle
Aquitaine. The architecture of the
Grand-Théâtre, the museums, and the
town hall underlines the fact that the
word “grandeur” is truly French.
At the same time, it has these nar-
row streets that breathe a provincial—
almost parochial—air that many ma-
jor European cities lost decades ago.
But the city known in France as
La Belle Endormie (“the sleeping
beauty”) is waking up. A massive res-
PHOTO, TH IS SPREAD, BY PAU L ROBE RT
toration and development project is in
progress. Bordeaux is now more than
halfway through implementing the
plan, which will continue until 2030.
One of the most visible features of
this massive undertaking is at the wa-
The crescent-shaped curve in the
Garonne River gave its name
to Bordeaux’s Moon Harbor.
READER’S DIGEST
terfront, along the crescent-shaped
curve in the Garonne River that gave
its name to this Atlantic port city’s
Moon Harbor. Once occupied by der-
elict warehouses and parking lots, the
riverside Quai Richelieu boasts a new
tramline, bicycle lanes, and a wide
boulevard. The Quai is the scene of a
daily parade of strollers, runners, cy-
clists, and playing children.
A newly opened hub for high-speed
trains is surrounded by a huge mod-
ern building project called Bordeaux-
Euroatlantique, intended to spear-
head a new economic and population
boom that will ultimately spur growth
from the current 750,000 inhabitants
to more than a million.
The restoration of the Old City, as
part of this multi-faceted project, has
already led to the city’s recognition as a
UNESCO World Heritage Site. But will
Bordeaux lose its Old World charm in
the process? “That’s a very important
issue,” says Bordeaux’s Deputy Mayor
Stephan Delaux when I pose the ques-
tion to him the next morning.
READER’S DIGEST

“We have a group here in town hall she explains. “That was an expensive
that acts as a sounding board in dis- operation, but worth it. Now you can
cussions on how we can maintain the see the mascarons.”
spirit of Bordeaux,” he says. Then he Last time I had barely noticed the
points out the window overlooking intricately carved limestone heads on
the square with the massive limestone the keystones over the porches and
St. André Cathedral, which is being re- windows. This was never a town that
stored, and says, “But have you looked invited you to look up. But there they
at the splendid view out my window? are: some 3,000 fascinating portraits
When Alain Juppé started in 1995, found throughout the city.
this square had five traffic lanes, full “Is it known who they were?” I ask
of trucks. Baggio. She says, “They were prob-
“Now there is a tram, ably local characters, but
the traffic is pushed to also mythological figures.
one side, and the square Some symbolize products
is for pedestrians. This is that were sold here.”
how we approach all as- Wine is represented, of
pects of the project.” course, and wheat, but
Juppé is the driving also humans. Baggio ex-
force behind the plan for plains that Bordelais trad-
the revival of Bordeaux. ers in the 18th and 19th
His name is on the lips of centuries took part in
This mascaron with
everybody I speak with. puffed-out cheeks may the European slave trade
The former French prime represent the wind. from Africa to the Ameri-
minister and mayor since cas. She tells me about a
1995 may well go down in history as permanent exposition dedicated to the
the prince who kissed Aurora back slave trade in the municipal Aquitaine
to life. And his name will undoubt- Museum.
edly be attached to one of the grands At the museum I meet former di-
œuvres, the huge structural works that rector François Hubert, author of the
will be finished after his retirement. book that accompanies the exposi-
tion. Mayor Juppé wrote the pref-
THAT AFTERNOON I meet Veronique ace, in which he calls the exposition
Baggio, a city guide who takes me on “a crucial step in the remembrance
a two-hour walk to show me what is process the City of Bordeaux has em-
new and what is restored. When I was barked on.” It is to Juppé’s credit again
here last, much of Tourny’s Bordeaux that coming to terms with the past is
was covered with soot. “The property an integral part of the plans for the fu-
owners were told to clean the facades,” ture of Bordeaux.

90 | 04đ2018

The Rue de Fessets, a pedestrian zone in the Old City, has an Old World charm.
Hubert leads me through rooms
filled with ship models, paintings, and
the paraphernalia of suppression. We
are surrounded by a group of 12-year-
olds, brought here to learn of this dark
history. More than 11 million en-
slaved Africans were traded like cattle
by the British, French, Dutch, and
others. “For too long we have hidden
behind the notion that slavery was an
American issue,” says Hubert. “It was
not. It was very European.”
The exhibition lends a degree of
honesty to the way Bordeaux wants
to present itself. But there is still a
long way to go. Since I met Veronique
Baggio, I have asked several other
P HOTOS BY PAUL ROBERT
locals about the slave trade and found
that the subject is as sensitive here as
it is in my own hometown, Amster-
dam. We don’t like to be reminded of
the crimes of our forefathers.
A popular myth among locals has it
that the Bordeaux traders were forced
READER’S DIGEST
by law to ship slaves to America, as a
result of a deal between the king and
the Americans. It is an excuse that
places responsibility with the regime
that was overthrown in the French
Revolution. Hubert laughs out loud
when I tell him this: “There was no
such contract. Absolutely not.”
AS I LEAVE the museum I am just in
time for my reservation at Racines, a
small restaurant nearby, owned and
run by 36-year-old Scottish chef Dan-
iel Gallacher. He left Scotland to work
with and learn from France’s most
famous chefs. Racines is his first res-
taurant. “I don’t have a Michelin star
yet,” he tells me, “but we do have a Bib
Gourmand.” For tout Bordeaux that is
a good omen of stars to come.
“I want a star of course,” says Gal-
lacher after serving an elegant, mod-
ern lunch. “It would allow me to work
with more exclusive ingredients. But
04đ2018 | 91
READER’S DIGEST
right now, it is also challenging to
serve surprising menus using more
common ingredients.”
After lunch I board the modern
B-line tram to be taken a couple of
stops north, where I get off and rent,
for €1.60 per hour, a V3 public bicycle
from a station on the river bank. V3
stations are found on squares around
the city. I head off through the Char-
trons area, a former working-class
neighborhood that has gone through
a process of rapid gentrification in
the wake of the restoration of the city
center. In the narrow streets, I pass
antique shops, curio shops, and small,
single-story worker’s houses called
TRAVEL TIPS
LODGING Hotel Maison du Lierre,
57 Rue Huguerie, a small hotel in the
center, rooms from Ð106, hotel-mai-
sondulierre-bordeaux.com; Hotel
Mercure Château Chartrons, 81 cours
Saint Louis, in the heart of Chartrons,
rooms from Ð110, mercure.com;
Hotel Yndo, 108 rue de l’Abbé de
l’Épée, intimate hotel with 12 rooms,
from Ð220, yndohotelbordeaux.fr
DINING Restaurant La Terrasse Saint
Pierre, 7 Place St Pierre, local
specialties, lunch menu about Ð14,
dinner menu about Ð16; Restaurant
Racines, 53 Rue Georges Bonnac,
lunch menu from Ð21, dinner menu
from Ð30, book well in advance,
racinesbydanielgallacher.com
92 | 04đ2018
échoppe that sell for record prices.
Through a shop window, my eye is
caught by a clockmaker, bent over his
workbench, peering through a jeweler’s
magnifying glass at an antique brass
clock. I ask him if I may look around.
Master clockmaker Peter Peschel looks
up and smiles. “Of course,” he says.
Peschel tells me he opened his
shop 12 years ago. With so many an-
tique shops around, he is perfectly
situated. We find common ground
in our love for craftsmanship when
he recognizes the classic, handmade
lens on my camera. He’s pleasantly
surprised at how it blends with digital
technology.
Back on my bicycle, I head to the
edge of the Old City, to the futuristic
vertical lift bridge named after former
mayor Jacques Chaban Delmas. This
is the former docks district where Bor-
deaux is now rapidly building modern
housing projects and luxury apart-
ment buildings.
The eye-catcher, besides the bridge,
is the Cité du Vin, the brand new in-
ternational wine museum in a building
shaped to symbolize the swirl of wine
in a glass, although a rubber duck also
may come to more sober mind.
Bordeaux, whose name is syn-
onymous with wine, has placed itself
above the market with its Cité du Vin
and its biennial international wine
festival. People come to the Cité du
Vin for wine-tasting workshops, wine-
themed special expositions, and the
splendidly designed multimedia pre-
 sentations about wine from
around the globe. Not least, the
spectacular round shop in the
heart of the building displays
wines from around the world. At
the top floor bar, many of these
can be tasted.

ON THE LAST DAY of my visit,

I decide to check out a more
folksy part of the city that I The round shop in the heart of the Cité du Vin
fondly remembered. I walk displays wines from around the world.
south on the Rue Sainte-Cathe-
rine shopping street. The Apple Store, enjoy their lattes, some bent over their
Galeries Lafayette, and luxury brand laptops.
shops gradually make way for t-shirt But I am pleased to see that the
shops, fast-food, and tattoo parlors. At Marché des Capucins food market still
the end of the street, I turn toward the offers its splendid mix of North Afri-
flea market around St. Michel Basilica, can herbs, tropical fruits, and French
where standard French gives way to specialties, and that French, Arabic,
West African dialects and Arabic. and African dealers still peddle ev-
This is no longer the polished and erything from second-hand shoes to
shiny city of the tourist brochures, antiques in the St. Michel flea market.
but a typical lively and colorful south- As I watch two women haggling with
ern French city. Men in djellabas an old man over some second-hand
and women in high heels share the clothes, it strikes me that this scene
sidewalks. But I see early signs of could well disappear from Bordeaux
gentrification. Young professionals as gentrification intensifies and real
are beginning to make their mark estate prices rise.
here, as I saw in Chartrons. Outside a That would be a tremendous loss
corner café, children play on a small for them and for the city. I’ll just have
playground as their young parents to come back in ten years to check.
P HOTO BY PAUL ROBERT

A FINE FIX
When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.
ANON.

04đ2018 | 93
04đ2018 | 95
READER’S DIGEST

THE RAIN COMES DOWN STEADILY. Jason Storie

hears it but is not worried. He listens to it as he prepares
for a day of caving with five friends in a remote spot
130 kilometers northwest of his home in Duncan, on
Vancouver Island, Canada. It’s caving, not hiking, he tells
himself. I’m not worried about some rain.
Quickly, he dons a t-shirt, then two for which can be obtained only af-
sweatshirts, a pair of overalls, neo- ter everyone going in signs a liability
prene socks, a water-resistant jacket, waiver.
and rubber boots. Under his arm, he At 1.1 kilometers long and 103 me-
proudly carries his new helmet and ters in depth—deep enough to drop
headlamp, the first pieces of equip- a 30-story building into— it is full of
ment he has not borrowed from his turns and tight squeezes, including
buddy, Andrew Munoz. a narrow passage that leads into a
“Sleep in,” he whispers, bending short, tight downhill called the Bas-
down to kiss his wife, Caroline, good- tard’s Crawl, which in turn leads to a
bye. waterfall not quite a meter wide that
“Have a good time. Be careful,” she is known as Double Trouble because
says. a jutting rock splits the stream in two.
“Always.” It’s going to be so great, he thinks. A

PHOTOS, P REVIOUS SPREAD AN D OP POS ITE: BY ROB CAM PBELL

It is 6 a.m. on December 5, 2015.
A newcomer to the sport, Jason has
gone caving only four previous times.
This will be his toughest outing yet: a
cave called Cascade in the brush near
the small city of Port Alberni, about
190 kilometers northwest of Victo-
ria, on Vancouver Island, Canada. Its
difficulty rating is so high, the entry
is blocked by a locked rectangular
metal door in the ground, the key
little water has never scared me!
Jason is the outlier among the group,
with the least experience and, at 43,
older by a decade and more. And he’s
stocky, like a wrestler, not slim and
wiry like the others. A shaven-headed
father of two young children, he is a
university drama graduate turned en-
trepreneur, with a window washing
and gutter cleaning company in Dun-
can. It was Andrew, 33, a paramedic

Jason feels awe. Underground he is an old-time

explorer in an ancient, ever-changing world.

96 | 04đ2018
The caving group from left : Andrew, Arthur, Jason, Matt, and Zac.
and extreme athlete who lives a few
streets over with his wife and infant
daughter, who introduced him to the
sport.
“There are over 1,000 caves and
tunnels on Vancouver Island,” he
would say. “Come with us. It’s never
the same.” Although the danger level
was high, Andrew was the perfect per-
son to start out with, a former guide
in the famous Waitomo Caves on the
North Island of New Zealand, a pa-
tient teacher and a paramedic who
would know what to do if something
went wrong.
Each time he has caved, Jason has
felt awe. Underground, he is an old-
time explorer in an ancient, ever-
changing world wrought by Mother
Nature and water, inexorable and
inconstant—a world where he relies
on quick wits, courage and working
as a team rather than cell phones
equipped with text messaging and
Global Positioning Systems. In a cave,
there is no room for showboating or
competition.
Not if you want to survive.
Jason gets into his orange Ford
Ranger pickup and drives north along
the wet highway for 15 minutes to
the B.C. Ambulance Service in the
town of Chemainus, where he meets
Andrew and Adam Shepherd, also a
paramedic, who have just completed
shifts. Adam has also done some cav-
ing; they all pile into Andrew’s boxy
four-wheel drive van and go to Lady-
04đ2018 | 97

The cavers enter through a metal door in
the ground then climb down a ladder.
smith to pick up Zac Zorisky, a chef
and volunteer firefighter, and then
on to their destination, where they
are meeting Matt Watson and Arthur
Taylor, computer programmers who
are driving up from Victoria.
The van rolls north along the is-
land highway through Nanaimo and
Parksville, then takes a slight left at the
town of Qualicum Beach onto a route
marked by cliff faces, rock piles and
old-growth, gnarled Douglas firs. It is
raining lightly, but inside the van the
mood is light as the guys try to outdo
each other with statistically remote
possibilities.
98 | 04đ2018
“Imagine if we get stuck.”
“Yeah, or a rock falls on us!”
“Or one of us breaks a leg.”
“Keep it light, keep the stress at
bay,” says Andrew, the group’s de-
facto leader because he has the most
experience. His short brown hair
sticks up in patches at the crown of his
head and he sports big, black discs in
his earlobes.
At about 8:30 a.m., he turns off the
highway and stops at a candy store
near Port Alberni, where he picks up
and signs for the key to the cave open-
ing. It is here that they rendezvous
with the last two climbers, Matt and
Arthur. They all pile into the two ve-
hicles and drive up an unmarked trail
for about a kilometer, before coming
to a stop in a clearing. Here, they take
inventory to make sure they aren’t
missing anything.
Waterproof gloves and liners?
Check.
Ropes, harnesses, and carabiners?
Check.
Two bags that contain a lightweight,
gas-fueled “Jetboil” stove, dehydrated
packets of soup and stew, bottles of
water, snacks, a first-aid kit, and a My-
lar “space” blanket that resembles a
sheet of aluminum foil. Check, check,
PHOTO BY ANDREW MUNOZ
and check again.
All of them know the cardinal rule
of caving without having to say it
aloud: Always be prepared for the
worst.
Down a steep, short hill they hike,
occasionally grabbing onto tree

branches for leverage, before coming
to a stop at the door in the ground.
You’d never know it was here if you
weren’t looking for it, Jason thinks.
It’s a big part of what he loves about
caving, the sense of the unexpected.
You never know what you’re going to
find. If you’ve never gone caving, you
may think there’s a big opening you
just walk through, or that you’ll find
one chamber after another filled with
pointy-tipped stalactites suspended
from their ceilings and snub-nosed
stalagmites—buildups of mineral de-
posits—rising up from the ground.
But some of the most interesting
Their challenge is to reach the end of the cave; to
take it slowly and notice everything around them.
caves are the ones you have to squeeze
into, where there might not be an ob-
vious way forward—features like a pile
of boulders blocking the way that you
have to figure a way through. That’s
what I love, Jason thinks.
It is 10 a.m. The door is pulled open
and one by one, they climb nine me-
ters down a rickety ladder made of
steel cables with aluminum rungs
into the black, each of them anchored
with carabiners to a rope just in case
they slip. As their eyes adjust, the
black shows glints of gold, gray and
charcoal, limestone carved by water,
forbidding and sharp. It is damp and
READER’S DIGEST
chilly, about five degrees Celsius.
Once they’re all at the bottom,
they make their way down a narrow
passage studded with jagged boul-
ders, taking turns to carry the bags
of equipment. At first, the silence is
broken only by heavy breathing. But
as they move further in, there is a
constant drip-drip-drip from above,
like coins being dropped on the rock.
Soon, the drip turns into a light but
steady flow, and they are wading, up
to their shins.
It would be nice to have a half wet-
suit like Andrew does, Jason thinks.
Maybe next time.
“Everyone OK?” Andrew calls.
“Yeah,” comes the reply.
“Yup.”
“Me, too.”
About 45 minutes in, Adam an-
nounces he can’t go any further; his
back, injured a few months earlier, is
already twinging and he doesn’t want
to slow down the others. Matt escorts
him back to the entrance to let him
out, then closes and locks the metal
door again. The others wait for their
friend in a chamber large enough for
them to stand in, chatting quietly.
This is their challenge: reach the
end of the cave. On a previous visit,
04đ2018 | 99
READER’S DIGEST
they didn’t make it, forced to turn
back because of the late hour. Now,
they have plenty of time to take it slow
and notice everything around them:
the rock wall, a jagged outcropping,
a pile of rocks, a pool of mud. And
always, always, the water, which at
times they must wade through.
For the next 90 minutes, they are
explorers, crawling and striding and
sliding through pipe-like passages and
chambers that are like the nave of a
church, big but not overwhelming.
At Double Trouble, the sound of water has turned
into a roar, and it churns in an angry white froth.
They maneuver their bodies through
the tight, wet passage that leads to
the Bastard’s Crawl, another small
passage studded with rocks, with a
slightly sharper incline. Sometimes,
there is just a trickle of water in this
passage. Today, there is more, and it
is flowing quickly.
“Crabwalk!” Andrew calls.
They do, going single file and feet
first, their bodies shifting slightly from
side to side as they make their way,
keeping their heads up so that their
headlamps illuminate each step.
At the top of the waterfall, Double
Trouble, they set up ropes and har-
nesses to rappel down.
“Careful!” they call to each other.
Boots find purchase on slippery
100 | 04đ2018
ledges.
Gloved hands claw for leverage.
So far, so good, Jason thinks. You
wanted a harder challenge. You got it.
There is something intangible yet
wonderful about making it down a
waterfall. It’s a feeling of accomplish-
ment mixed with relief, tossed in with
lots of adrenaline. The water gushes
on either side of a rock formation that
juts out from the wall, landing at the
bottom in a spray of bubbles.
We do it because it’s there, Jason
thinks. We do it because most people
will never experience this.
A few minutes beyond Double
Trouble, at around 1 p.m., they stop
for a quick lunch. Andrew fires up
the Jetboil to make beef and chicken
stew with rice. They start out again 20
minutes later to get to the cave’s end,
only a quarter of a kilometer way.
But within minutes, they have to turn
back; Zac is shivering. Although the
temperature hasn’t changed, the cold
can hit you at anytime, no matter how
warmly you’re dressed. They decide to
turn back. Together.
First Matt goes, then Arthur, then
Jason, Zac and Andrew. They retrace
their route, 10 minutes, then 30. The
sound of rushing water is growing
louder.
“Careful!” the cavers up front call
back. No one wants to slip on a rock
that cannot be seen, maybe turn an
ankle, injure a knee, or sprain a wrist.
As it nears 2:15 p.m., the cavers ap-
proach the bottom of Double Trou-
ble. Now, the sound of the water has
turned into a roar, and at the bottom,
it churns in an angry white froth.
It has been raining pretty steadily
for two days and caves do act as the
earth’s drain pipes. But no one was
nervous at the start. They are pre-
pared. They have a stove. They have
food, water, the thermal blanket,
and first aid supplies. For cavers, the
watchwords are to expect the unex-
pected, and the trip was not going to
be long.
This is going to be fine.
Matt attaches the rope that was left
attached at the top of Double Trouble
to his harness and starts hauling him-
self up. The journey is not long, maybe
four stories high, but it’s tough, pre-
cise work, hoisting one leg, finding a
tiny, wet shelf in the rock wall, then a
gloved hand, then the other leg. Once
he is up, he lets the rope back down
and Arthur makes the climb, then
Jason, straddling the water and de-
termined not to slip. At the top, Jason
gets on his stomach to pull himself up
the incline of Bastard’s Crawl.
One, two, three—the water smashes
into his face as he powers through
it. God, it’s cold! Finally emerging
through the opening into the next
tight passage, he pauses, puzzled, be-
cause it splits into two.
I don’t remember this. Which way
do I go?
He can’t see the two cavers ahead
of him and he is nervous about wait-
ing at the top because there is really
only room in this spot for one person
at a time.
I’ll just go back down and ask, he
decides.
He starts to make his way down
the crawl in a careful crabwalk. He’s
glad he’s wearing thick blue, plastic
gloves, which protect him from the
slick sharpness of the rocks. Suddenly
the force of the water pushes him to
the ground, submerging him, and he
feels the pressure of more water build-
ing up behind him.
If he doesn’t get out fast, the merci-
less, freezing surge of water will pop
him out like a champagne cork, over
Double Trouble and onto the rocks
below.
Don’t panic, he tells himself. Then:
But I can’t move! My boot’s stuck!
Lying on his back with the water
rushing over him, he tries to call for
help but instead, he gasps frantically
for air. It has been about five minutes,
but feels longer. He thinks of his fam-
ily; Caroline, whom he has been mar-
ried to for 16 years. Jack, 7, who loves
paper airplanes and Poppy, his prin-
cess, who is 3.
Then Zac, who has reached the top of
Double Trouble, sees Jason stuck and
thrashing midway up Bastard’s Crawl.
04đ2018 | 101

Jason (far right) at Double Trouble on
a different expedition.
“Andrew! Jason’s in trouble!” he
shouts, his voice somehow carrying
over the thunder of the water.
Then Jason sees Andrew at the bot-
tom of the crawl, calm and steady,
gesturing with his gloved hands.
“Solid hands, Jase. Keep your hands
to the side. Head up,” Andrew calls
out. “You’re not stuck. Keep on com-
ing, dude. Keep on breathing. Hands
out. Stay up.”
Jason’s gloved hands emerge from
the water, flailing, then his wet face
framed by his helmet. He is gasping
for air.
“Toward me,” Andrew continues.
102 | 04đ2018
“Good hands. Come on. Hands out.
Keep breathing. Come toward me.
Come this way, feet toward me, head
up. Head up. Lift your ass up and float.
Come on, Jase, keep breathing.” Fi-
nally Jason makes it to where Andrew
waits for him.
“It’s scary but you made it. Let’s
chill out for a second, okay?” But not
much later, Andrew encourages Jason
to start going again.
“Now, I need you to start moving.”
“In a second. My leg’s caught.” Ja-
son doesn’t recognize his own voice
because it comes out so slurred and
slow. Like I’ve had a stroke. He tries to
dislodge his boot, wedged into a gap
between two rock shelves. It won’t
budge.
Am I going to drown?
“It’s all right, dude,” Andrew says,
reaching into the rushing water and
fishing around for the stuck boot. He
grasps something solid. “That’s your
foot?”
“Yeah.”
“We’re going to do this together.
You need good hands. Don’t let this
water take you.”
It takes about 20 minutes to free
Jason and get him moving. With An-
drew’s coaching, Jason emerges from
PHOTO BY ANDREW MUNOZ
Bastard’s Crawl like a baby being
birthed, wet through, eyes shut tight
and gasping.
“You’re OK,” Andrew says, grasping
his shoulders and settling him on a
narrow ledge near where Zac has been
waiting. “Zac, stay with Jason while I

go get some meals, the blanket, and
the first aid kit from the supply bags
up ahead. And I have to fill Matt and
Arthur in on what’s happened.”
It takes him about 15 minutes. On
his return, he tells Zac the water is still
rising, so now is the time to leave.
“Matt and Arthur are waiting for you
just beyond Bastard’s Crawl,” he says.
“I have to get Jason warmed up before
we try to get out. If all goes well, we’ll
be right behind you. But if we don’t
catch up to you in 30 minutes, notify
Search and Rescue.”
Unspoken is Andrew’s fear that Ja-
son is turning hypothermic, conscious
but so cold, he has stopped shivering.
There is no room on the ledge for blame or
second-guessing. It is about survival.
He wraps his friend in the blanket and
fires up the Jetboil, deciding to warm
Jason by pouring heated water down
his clothes. Once, twice, three times,
then four, slow and sure. Doing it this
way is preferable to preparing a hot
drink, which Andrew fears would not
work as fast.
Come on, Jason!
And: Catch up in 30 minutes? What
was I thinking?
Out loud, he says: “Jase, you’re go-
ing to be fine.”
Jason’s color starts returning to nor-
mal.
READER’S DIGEST
“Welcome back, buddy. Do you feel
ready to get out of here?”
Andrew is feeling the pressure—
and lots of guilt. Because he is the ex-
pert, the one who has always prom-
ised Jason’s wife that her husband
would be safe. He had figured the
trip today was going to be straightfor-
ward. But now, they have more than
an hour’s slog back to the entrance,
and with Jason soaked through, ex-
hausted and depleted, he fears it will
take even longer.
They need to leave now.
Jason takes a deep breath, ready-
ing himself to tackle Bastard’s Crawl
again. They collect the bags, the stove
and the blanket, and they start to
climb, continually fighting the thun-
dering water—or it’s fighting them,
crushing them, pushing them back.
Jason has barely begun to climb
when he has to scramble onto a ledge.
There is too much water, and he was
too weak.
There are barely 10 centimeters left
of air between the water and the ceil-
ing, not enough for them to keep their
heads up to breathe. Until it goes
down, they’re stuck.
Looking around for some kind of
shelter, Jason spots a ledge above
04đ2018 | 103
READER’S DIGEST
the one he is on; although the wall
is at an awkward 45-degree angle,
there is room enough for the two of
them, Andrew in the half wetsuit that
comes to his waist, perches in front of
Jason so that he takes the brunt of the
spray, his legs uncomfortably braced
against a ledge on the other side of
the waterfall. It is 6 p.m. Zac left them
three hours ago.
“We just have to make sure we
don’t turn on each other. This is no
duff,” Andrew warns, using the mili-
Rescuers make their way through mud, rocks, and
boulders until they are stopped by the water.
tary slang for something that is not
a drill or training exercise but rather,
the real thing. There is no room on
the ledge for blame or second-guess-
ing. This is about survival.
They settle in with ropes and share
the blanket. There is no fuel left in
the stove, because Andrew used it all
to heat the water to warm Jason.
Andrew tries a joke: “If we don’t
get out of here, our wives will kill us!”
The water keeps rising, almost to
the ledge, and the sheer force and
fury of it causes a wind to come up.
Both men know that caves have their
own microclimates and with nowhere
to go, the wind whistles and keens.
They huddle even closer together,
trying to find shelter from the storm.
104 | 04đ2018
ZAC MAKES IT to the top of Bastard’s
Crawl at 3:15 to find Matt and Arthur
waiting for him; the trio wait another
hour for Jason and Andrew but there
is nothing. Finally, they make their
way to the ladder, emerging from
the cave at 5:20 p.m., exhausted, wet
and surprised to find Adam, who was
supposed to be picked up by his girl-
friend, worried, waiting for them. It
is still raining. As Matt drives down
the trail to find a spot where his cell
phone will work, the other three rotate
between the cave entrance and keep-
ing warm in Andrew’s van. Waiting.
Watching. Hoping for their friends to
emerge. But there is no one.
At 7:15 p.m, they see headlights and
hear Matt’s SUV coming back up the
trail towards them.
“Ground, and Cave Search and Res-
cue is on the way,” Matt says. “They’ll
be here as quickly as possible.”
At 9 p.m., both teams arrive. The
dozen-strong ground rescue crew
from the Alberni Valley is there to pro-
vide support, setting up an elaborate
perimeter around the cave site with
lights, a makeshift camp and para-
medics on standby.
In the beginning, the cave rescue
team is made up of four of their own
—cavers who live on Vancouver Is-
land, including married couple John
Lay and Charlene Forrest. Driving
up to the site, they worry that it’s a
recovery operation. But when they
learn that one of the trapped cavers is
Andrew, they know the two men have
the best shot at surviving.
When they arrive, the first task is
setting up a system of ropes and pul-
leys called a Z-drag to haul the trapped
cavers out; they may be injured or too
tired and depleted to attempt climbing
the ladder. Or they may be dead.
At 10:30 p.m., John and Charlene
descend into the cave with emergency
supplies, including thermoses of hot
chocolate and coffee.
“Andrew!” they call. “Jason?”
There is no response. Slowly, they
make their way through the mud,
rocks and boulders that lead to Bas-
tard’s Crawl but they’re finally stopped
by the water, which continues to gush
in the opening unabated. There is too
much water for them to get through,
and the wind makes it difficult to hear
themselves, never mind people who
are stuck on the other side.
For when they return—and just
in case Andrew and Jason make it
through—they leave supplies and
some lights, then turn around to make
their way back. Nearly three agonizing
hours after they first went down, they
exit the cave. It is 1:20 a.m. They will
need to monitor water levels and then
plan when to go in again.
Arthur, Matt, Zac and Adam are de-
termined to stay. The rescuers hold
onto the thought that it is not a recov-
ery but a rescue. That becomes the
group’s prayer, recited throughout the
night as they keep watch, drink coffee
and try to stay warm. Andrew will get
Jason out. He has to.
But please, please let the rain stop.
BACK IN THE CAVE, Andrew and
Jason sit, each wrapped in his own
thoughts and part of the thermal
blanket. Conserving the batteries in
their headlamps, they sit mostly in the
dark, which makes them forget what a
tight space they are in. With black all
around, it’s easy to imagine they are
somewhere else. At home with their
kids. Or in a theater.
If I die, I’m going to miss Star Wars
VII: The Force Awakens, Jason thinks.
After waiting for it for year, it is due to
be released just 13 days from now, on
December 18.
Breathe!
His damp crewneck sweatshirt
pulled up over his face to give him
some warmth, he draws on his theat-
rical training, forcing his breathing to
slow down and move through his dia-
phragm up to the tip of his skull. And
in the dark, as clear as day, he sees his
son standing at the side of his bed in
his pajamas with the red collar and
airplane pattern, his head averted as
he concentrates on doing something.
What will life be like for his family
without him? How much life insur-
ance coverage does he have?
04đ2018 | 105
Andrew and Jason continue to explore Vancouver Island’s caves together.
Breathe! Please, Mom, Dad, God,
whoever is out there, help guide me
through this. Help me live.
Andrew silently recites a mantra
that has helped him through scary
times before. It’s based on a passage
from Dune, the 1965 science fiction
novel by Frank Herbert, and it goes
like this: Fear is the mind killer, fear
is the little black death that brings
total oblivion, I will let the fear pass
through me and when the fear is gone,
I will remain.
There is no sign of rescuers. Did the
other three even make it out? Maybe
they’re lying on the other side of Bas-
tard’s Crawl, blocked by water and in-
jured. Or dead.
Fear is the mind killer, he thinks.
When the fear is gone, I will win.
106 | 04đ2018
The hours pass. Beyond cold, they
don’t dare to move for fear of slipping.
They doze off, then jerk themselves
awake, and they check in with each
other every 20 minutes or so, short
sentences to conserve their energy.
“You still with me?” Andrew asks.
“Yup. You still good?”
“Yup.”
The wind continues to shriek. Every
once in a while, one of them turns on
his headlamp to scan the water level
in the crawl and passage. Around 5
PHOTO BY ROB CA MP BELL
a.m., bleary-eyed, they notice that it
seems to be receding.
“Let’s wait for a bit and see,” An-
drew says.
The minutes tick by as they watch
the water. Will it go down? After an
hour, it has gone down to the point
 READER’S DIGEST

that they can keep their heads above
water and try an escape. Stiff from
sitting in one position for about 12
hours, they unfold their bodies bit
by bit, surprised at how well they’ve
weathered the ordeal. Then, Jason
tries to lift a leg and screams from the
pain. A muscle in his groin is badly
strained— but it can’t stop him.
I have to get out. I have to try.
Going up on all fours through Bas-
tard’s Crawl, nothing matters but that.
Each time Jason moves a leg, he cries
out in pain.
Andrew says: “You can do this, dude.”
UP TOP, the rain has finally subsided.
It is 6 a.m. and the sky is still dark as
three cave rescuers, including Char-
lene and John, prepare to go in again.
More cavers had arrived—a backup
rescue crew—because that’s what they
do. When some of their own are in
trouble, they come together to bring
them out.
Meanwhile, Andrew and Jason have
been moving for about 90 minutes as
they make their way to the entrance,
once in water that comes up past their
chests. Now, in a passage that is high
enough for them to walk upright, Ja-
son, who is a bit ahead, sees some-
thing flicker in the distance.
“There are lights, Andrew! I see
lights!” Part of him wants to be calm
and cool but the other part is too ex-
cited.
Jason plows ahead, exhausted,
sensing an end to the ordeal. Soon,
they hear voices.
“Hey,” they call together. “We’re
here!”
It is 7:30 a.m. The rescuers, who are
back in the cave to check the water
level, can’t believe what they’re hearing.
“Andrew? Jason?” Charlene calls.
“It’s us! Get us out!” they shout in
unison.
Her voice filled with relief, she
shouts: “I love you! Oh my God.”
For the first time since he nearly
drowned 16 hours earlier, as he is at-
tached to the pulley and pulled up
toward the entrance by rope, Jason’s
eyes fill with tears.
“We made it.”

MARRIAGE IN THE 21ST CENTURY

It turns out that this age-old institution is a wonderful

source of modern-day amusement:
@simoncoholland: [sitting at a table] Wife: writes number
on paper and slides it across. Me: crosses out and writes
new number. Thermostat negotiations.
SOURCE: BUZZFEED.COM

04đ2018 | 107
 Brainteasers
Challenge yourself by solving these puzzles, then check your
answers on page 85.

METEOR SHOWERS BRING SPRING FLOWERS (Moderately difficult)

Space dust has landed on earth, carrying with it seeds for exotic new alien
flowers. One of them still lacks a name. If the xenobotanists follow the same
rules they used to create the other terms, what should they call the last flower?

(METEOR SHOWERS BRING SPRING FLOWERS) DARREN RIGBY; (MATCH GAME) MARCEL DANESI
ASPERFILIUM ASPERCHRYST COSMODENDRA
NEPTUGORII JUPICALTAE URANOGORII

BELSACHRYST
MARBRISTO
BELSAFILIUM
URANOCALTAE ?

MATCH GAME (Easy)

There are five squares in the figure to the
right: the large external one and four smaller
internal ones. What’s the lowest number of
matchsticks you could remove to leave two
squares, with no leftover matchsticks that
don’t form part of a square?

108 | 04đ2018
 NUMBER GENERATOR (Moderately difficult)
The numbers in the
second grid have a
specific relationship 1 3 2 2 6 4
to those in the first
one. What numbers 2 0 1 4 0 2
would you place in the 1 6 1 3 2 2
third grid in order to
continue the pattern?

1-2-3 GO (Moderately difficult)

In the diagram below, fill in the missing junctions to draw a single, continuous
loop that follows each line segment once and only once. As you move along,
(NUMBER GENERATOR) MARC EL DANES I; (1-2-3 GO) RODERICK KIMBALL OF ENIGAMI.FUN

every corner and every junction you pass is the beginning of a new segment.
The loop must trace segments in numerical order; that is, “1, 2, 3, 1, 2, 3...”
Each junction can be filled in one of three ways:

3 Here’s an example of
a completed loop:
2
1 1
1
3
2 1 2 2 3 3

1 2 3 3 2 1

3 2 1 3 1 2
3 2 1 2

1 3

04đ2018 | 109
 Trivia Quiz
BY PAUL PAQUET

1. In 2012, Nicola Adams became the
first woman to win an Olympic gold
medal in which sport?
2. What Danish explorer has both a
strait and a sea named for him?
3. Former British PM Tony Blair and
author Ernest Hemingway both
converted to what religion?
4. What country’s rapid economic
growth in the later 20th century was
dubbed the Miracle on the Han River?
5. Who was, according to his
New York Times obituary,
one of the few writers
“embraced both by critics
and a mass audience”?
6. The Scandinavian
region of Lapland is home to
what distinctive ethnic group?
7. Which national
capital’s international
15. Roald Dahl changed
airport is named for two the title of his children’s
8. How many whole tones between
pitches are in the musical octave?
9. Named for a notable suffragist,
the “Matilda effect” refers to how
women have been robbed of credit
in what field?
10. Their capital at Tenochtitlán
(now Mexico City) was founded
in 1325. Who were they?
11. When you don’t include the
surrounding boroughs and regions,
which of England’s 51 cities has the
smallest official population?
12. In Genesis chapter 22, what
does God command Abraham
to do to his son, Isaac?
13. What actress played
actresses in King Kong (2005),
Mulholland Dr. and Birdman?
14. What kind of “battle”
was held each year at
West Point, the United
REDHELGA/ISTOCKPHOTO

of its country’s founders: novel James and the Giant States’ oldest military
John A. Macdonald and Cherry, opting for what academy, until partici-
George-Étienne Cartier? fuzzier fruit instead? pants got hurt in 2015?

11. London. 12. Kill him. 13. Naomi Watts. 14. A pillow fight. 15. A peach.
García Márquez. 6. The Sami. 7. Ottawa, Canada. 8. Six. 9. Science. 10. The Aztecs.
ANSWERS: 1. Boxing. 2. Vitus Bering. 3. Roman Catholicism. 4. South Korea. 5. Gabriel

110 | 04đ2018
 IT PAYS TO INCREASE YOUR

Word Power
Add some zest to your vocabulary with this feast of nutritious words
and phrases. If you can’t stand the heat in
our kitchen, cool off with the answers on the next page.
BY EMILY COX & HENRY RATHVON

1. gustatory ('guh-stuh-tohr-ee) C: cooked in a pouch.

adj.—A: full-bellied. B: relating to
taste. C: rich and flavorful.
2. au gratin (oh 'grah-tin) adj.—
A: cooked to medium rare.
B: free of charge. C: covered with
cheese and browned.
3. succulent ('suh-kyu-lent) adj.—
A: sun-dried. B: juicy. C: sipped
with a straw.
9. culinary ('kuh-lih-nehr-ee) adj.—
A: of the kitchen. B: buttery.
C: cage-free.
10. umami (ooh-'mah-mee) n.—
A: oven rack. B: chopsticks.
C: savory taste.
11. tempeh ('tem-pay) n.—A: part-
time chef. B: soy cake. C: fondue pot.

4. mesclun ('mess-klen) n.— 12. fricassee ('frih-kuh-see) v.—

A: mix of greens. B: shellfish. A: cut and stew in gravy. B: deep-fry.
C: Cajun dipping sauce. C: sauté with mushrooms.

5. piquant ('pee-kent) adj.— 13. oenophile ('ee-nuh-fiyl) n.—

A: in season. B: in small amounts. A: wine lover. B: food critic.
C: spicy. C: egg fancier.

6. chiffonade (shih-fuh-'nayd) n.— 14. poach (pohch) v.—

A: whipped margarine. B: shredded
herbs or veggies. C: lemon pudding.
7. toothsome ('tooth-sum) adj.—
A: chewy. B: delicious. C: hungry.
8. sous vide (soo 'veed) adv.—
A: without salt. B: on the side.
A: cook in simmering liquid.
B: fry in a small amount of fat.
C: heat slowly in a covered
pot.
15. fondant ('fahn-duhnt) n.—
A: food lover. B: cake icing.
C: large bib.

04đ2018 | 111
READER’S DIGEST

Answers
1. gustatory—[B] relating to taste. 9. culinary—[A] of the kitchen.
Here, try my new gustatory Julia Child was a true culinary icon.
experiment—beet ice cream!
10. umami—[C] savory taste. Umami
2. au gratin—[C] covered with is one of the five basic tastes, along
cheese and browned. Is there with sweet, sour, salty, and bitter.
anything better than onion soup
11. tempeh—[B] soy cake. Ezra, a
au gratin on a cold, rainy day?
devoted vegan, serves tempeh burg-
3. succulent—[B] juicy. For dessert, ers and tofu dogs at his cookouts.
the chef served pound cake topped
12. fricassee—[A] cut and stew in
with succulent pears.
gravy. Tired of turkey sandwiches
4. mesclun—[A] mix of greens. and turkey soup, Hector decided
“You call this a salad? It’s just a plate to fricassee the leftovers from his
of wilted mesclun.” Thanksgiving bird.
5. piquant—[C] spicy. The piquant 13. oenophile—[A] wine lover.
smells from the Mexican restaurant A serious oenophile, Adrienne was
wafted out onto the street. horrified when her date added ice
cubes to his pinot noir.
6. chiffonade—[B] shredded herbs
or veggies. If you add a chiffonade of 14. poach—[A] cook in simmering
fresh basil, this frozen pizza isn’t liquid. For breakfast, Sasha loves to
half bad! poach an egg and
pair it with avo-
7. toothsome—
WHAT KIND OF FOOD cado toast topped
[B] delicious. Hattie
PERSON ARE YOU? with tomato.
makes the most
toothsome cherry If you appreciate fine dining, 15. fondant—[B]
you might call yourself a
pie I’ve ever tasted. cake icing. Kelly
gourmet, an epicure, or
a bon vivant. If you have a
flunked her cake-
8. sous vide—
healthy but unrefined appe- making class when
[C] cooked in a
tite, you’re a gourmand or a she slathered on
pouch. Though
trencherman. And if you’ve too much fondant.
preparing steak
done your homework on the
sous vide takes history and rituals of haute
time, it will VOCABULARY
cuisine, you’re a gastronome RATINGS
cook your meat (gastronomy is the art or 9 & below: apprentice
evenly and retain science of good eating). 10–12: head cook
the moisture. 13–15: master chef

112 | 04đ2018
 Points to Ponder

I never woke up
and thought,
I really want to live
a bold life. I just
can’t do the other.
ANGELINA JOLIE,
actress, in Vanity Fair

THE T WO WORDS silent and listen IN THE COLDEST FEBRUARY, as in

contain the same letters arranged every other month in every other
differently ... In whatever relation- year, the best thing to hold on to in
ship you may be in, the best way to this world is each other.
listen is to remain silent.
LINDA ELLERBEE,
journalist,
PHOTO: © BUCKNER/VARI ETY/S HUTTERSTOCK

ROBERT HERJAVEC, in her book

entrepreneur and television personality, Move On: Adventures in the Real World

in his book You Don’t Have to Be a Shark

PEOPLE USED TO wait in line at the

SINCE WE’RE ALL going to get wrinkly
and die, maybe we’ve got to accept
that. It’s like what they teach you in
driving school: If your car skids, turn
the wheels right into it. It’s counter-
intuitive, but don’t fight the slide.
checkout and daydream. Now they
pull out their phones and go into
the digital world. This is a missed
opportunity to reflect, to relax, to be
mindful of the moment. Creativity
lives in those quiet spaces.

AMANDA PEET, ADAM GAZZALEY,

actress, on lennyletter.com neuroscientist, on berkeleywellness.com

04đ2018 | 113
 Laugh Lines
JOKES, PERIOD.

I saw a guy with a question Of course I; know how to use

mark tattoo, which seems a semicolon, how dare you;
like an incredibly permanent @HOME_HALFWAY (MICHAEL)

commitment to uncertainty.
@JOSHGONDELMAN

¡I just found out you don’t have

to be Spanish to use upside-
Cut out all these exclamation
down punctuation! ¿Did you
points. An exclamation point is
guys know about this?
like laughing at your own joke. @ANORANGESNES
F. SCOTT FITZGERALD

P HOTO: © GETTY I MAGES

I put a period at the end of

I always put the apostrophe in a text again, and now my
ain’t to make certain I’m using daughters are planning to
proper improper English. have me euthanized.
AUTHOR UNKNOWN @SCULLYMIKE (MIKE SCULLY)

114 | 04đ2018
 Next Month
COMING IN THE MAY ISSUE

Cancer, stroke, and

hepatitis are words
we once feared. Thanks
to great medical
advances, there’s now
6 New Treatments
That Can
Save Your Life

Medical Drama
Finding the It’s a Mad,
Way Again Anatomy Mad World
of a Perfect
PHOTO: © SHUTTERSTOCK

An ancient pilgrim’s What’s the

trail is bringing Hand Transplant craziest law on the
people and A healthy, athletic planet? There’s
communities back man lost his hand— plenty of
together. and got it back competition…

TH E NE X T I SS U E W I L L B E P U B L I S H E D M AY 1, 2 018

04đ2018 | 115
116
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04đ2018
Last Laugh

ILLUSTRATION BY MIROSLAV BARTÁK