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Coupling > 05.

The Girl with Two Breasts Edit 0 1…


Coupling Series 1 Episode 5
"The Girl with Two Breasts"

STEVE:
Georgia.

JEFF:
Nah, It's too ordinary.
Sofia.

STEVE:
Nah, It's too obvious.

PATRICK:
I was right. It's a foreign language book.

JEFF:
Well, that's good.

STEVE:
Why?

JEFF:
Intellectual depth.
She's learned a new language.
There's a bit more to her than just the potential for nudity.

STEVE:
That's not bad, Jeff.
Well, here's the first time you've managed to express a view without lowering my opinion of you.

JEFF:
Plus learning new language is like a whole workout for the mouth.

STEVE:
Yeah, there are times when I worry about the way you see women.

JEFF:
I see women as people in their own right.

PATRICK:
In many ways, they are.

STEVE:
You see women as transport for breasts.

JEFF:
Hey, I can see past.
I can see past breasts now, Steve.
You know, I need more than that.

STEVE:
Yeah, I can tell.

JEFF:
I need breasts with brains.
I don't mean individual brains, obviously.

PATRICK:
Oh, no?

JEFF:
I mean, not a brain each.
You know, I-I like intelligent women, but phew… you've gotta draw the line somewhere, you know.

STEVE:
And you draw the line at intelligent breasts.

JEFF:
Well, I'd think breast brains would be over-egging the woman pudding.
Besides, you give breasts the power of independent thought and the next thing is they don't get on!
There's a clash of personalities.

STEVE:
Yes, so often happens with similar people in similar jobs… working in the same bra.

JEFF:
Exactly.

STEVE:
And what if a fight broke out?
It's going to be a tough image to shake really, isn't it?

PATRICK:
Do you know, I've got an idea for a new porn film.

JEFF:
Do you know what would be the best way to wipe out all of humankind if you were a space alien
with a special kind of mind ray?

STEVE:
No, I don't believe it's ever come up, mate.

JEFF:
Make all women telepathic.
Because if they suddenly found out about the kinda stuff that goes on in our heads, they'd kill us all
on the spot.
Men are not people.
We are disgustoids in human form.

PATRICK:
Wobble Wars.

STEVE:
What?

PATRICK:
Wobble Wars!
The title for the new porn film about the battling breast-brains.

STEVE:
In the event of a mind ray alert, stand next to Patrick.

JEFF:
Yeah, but we're all the same as Patrick.
See, women think we're normal like them.
Bcause we talk to them like normal people.
You know, we say "Hello, how are you? Haven't seen you in this place before. What kind of music
do you like?"
But all the time, in our brains, we've got the word "breasts" on a loop.
If we ever lost control for a second, we'd all start shouting "Breasts, breasts, breasts, breasts,
bre…, breast."

PATRICK:
Did you see that?

STEVE:
Yeah, I certainly did.

PATRICK:
You got a glance, Jeff.

JEFF:
No.

STEVE:
Yeah, yeah, [that's confirmed. That] was a glance.
We have confirmed glancing.

PATRICK:
Ok, time to maximize your advantage.
Get over there and talk to her.
Don't say "Breasts"!

JEFF:
I… I can't talk to her now.

STEVE:
Why not?

JEFF:
Well, we've been watching her for an hour.

PATRICK:
So?

JEFF:
What do you mean, "So"?
I'm way past the nudity buffer.
Be serious!

STEVE:
Hang on.
When you say things like 'nudity buffer', do you actually expect people to understand what you're
talking about?

JEFF:
Right.
When you first see an attractive woman, you've got a nudity buffer of maybe… five minutes before
[you've] fully mapped out what she looks like naked.

PATRICK:
A whole five?

JEFF:
Well, [you#you've] got to assess her nipple type.
That takes time.

PATRICK:
Good point.

JEFF:
If you don't get in there and talk to her during that first five minutes, it's too late.
Because then, she'll be naked in your head.
And you'll forget rule one of playing it cool.

STEVE:
Which is?

JEFF:
Only smile at her face.

PATRICK:
Forget the nudity buffer.
She just had another glance.

JEFF:
Forget it?
Forget the power of the buffer, Patrick?
Did I ever tell you about the little redhead in my office?

PATRICK:
Never mind about the little redhead…

JEFF:
BEEN THERE TWO YEARS!
But I missed the buffer.
That redhead has been naked in my head for two years now, performing deviant sex acts that
would make the world's top porn stars go white and steady themselves on a furniture!
I lose the ability to speak the moment she comes into the room.
Everytime she passes me in the corridor, I walk sideways into the wall.
She thinks I'm a mute with a balance problem.

STEVE:
Jesus.

PATRICK:
Definitely a look.
Possibly even a linger.

STEVE:
Right.
If she touches her hair, you're in.
JEFF:
Her hair?

PATRICK:
Yeah, their second thought's always to worry about their hair.

JEFF:
What, when they see someone they like?

PATRICK:
Just generally.
This is not a drill!

STEVE:
Right, if she angles an extremity in your direction, you're in business.

PATRICK:
Incoming!

STEVE:
All right, Mr. Spock, put the Enterprise on red alert!

PATRICK:
And you know what that means?

STEVE:
Captain Kirk, it is time to SHAG the alien's girlfriend.

JEFF:
Do… do you remember when Captain Kirk saw a beautiful women, the screan would go all misty?
I thought his eyes were steaming up because he was so excited.

STEVE:
Jeff!

JEFF:
Everytime I talked to a girl in my class, I tried to make my eyes steam up. They called me "Scary
Jeff".

STEVE:
Scary Jeff?
Beam over!

JEFF:
I can't!

STEVE:
Just get over there.
Get her some drinks.
Start chatting casually.
It's dead easy.

PATRICK:
And the next time you walk past the office redhead, [you/you'll] just smile.
JEFF:
No, I tried smiling at her once. I destroyed a water cooler.

STEVE:
GO!

JEFF:
No, but I've got all that disgustoid stuff in my head now.
What if I say "gusset" accidentally?

STEVE:
My advice?

JEFF:
Yes.

STEVE:
Don't.

JEFF:
Thanks.

STEVE:
Anytime.

PATRICK:
"Two Minds, One Bra"?

STEVE:
Nah, prefered "Wobble Wars".

JEFF:
(To bartender) Same again, please.
(To girl) Aah, you can read.
I-I mean, you ARE reading.
Sorry.
It's nice to see people reading.
Not a lot of people read these days.
People prefer to, um…, hear.
But all this hearing is just reading for lazy people.
Kids today should be prepared to pick up a book and not just go around a whole time with all
these… modern… ears.
Sometimes I just wanna rip people's ears off and say "Read a book for God's sake!"
Well, actually, I'd probably-probably say "read a book" first and then rip their ears off.
Otherwise they wouldn't hear me. He-he, He-he-he.
Actually, I-I probably wouldn't rip their ears off at all.
I'm not a violent person.
I like ears.
Especially women ears.
They're my favourite.
I-I don't mean I collect them or anything.
I-I don't have a big bucket of women ears hidden away somewhere.
No, no, no, I-I-I'm not after your ears really.
Not as there's anything wrong with your ears, you know.
If I-if I was some kind of, (woowee???), mad ear person, your ears would be the pride of my, um…
ear bucket.
Oh my God.

CUTE GIRL:
(says something in foreign language)

JEFF:
[I forgot/I've forgotten] how to understand English!
I hate it when that happens!

INTERPRETER:
She's from Israel.
She speaks Hebrew.

CUTE GIRL:
(says something in Hebrew)

INTERPRETER:
(says something in Hebrew)

INTERPRETER:
So sorry I exist.
Men get so disappointed when the flat-chested friend turns up.

JEFF:
Oh, that's a bit unfair.
It's hardly your fault.

INTERPRETER:
Thank you!

JEFF:
So she doesn't understand a word I've been saying.

INTERPRETER:
Nope.

JEFF:
Result!

INTERPRETER:
Result?

JEFF:
That's the first good thing that's ever happened to me, ever ever!

CUTE GIRL:
(says something in Hebrew)

INTERPRETER:
She's apologizing for letting you talk so long.

JEFF:
No, no, no, no, it's great.
I-I was explaining how I collect women's ears.

INTERPRETER:
(translates into Hebrew)

CUTE GIRL:
(says something and hides her ears)

JEFF:
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, it was a joke, hahahaha, joke, haha.

INTERPRETER:
(translates into Hebrew)

JEFF:
So, is-is she your interpreter then?

INTERPRETER:
(translates into Hebrew)

CUTE GIRL:
(says something in Hebrew)

INTERPRETER:
Yes, I am her interpreter.

JEFF:
Sorry, that was a bit redundant.

INTERPRETER:
(translates into Hebrew)

CUTE GIRL:
(says something in Hebrew)

INTERPRETER:
Yes, that was a bit redundant.

CUTE GIRL:
(says something in Hebrew)

INTERPRETER:
(says something in Hebrew)

JEFF:
Sorry about all the redundancy.
Um, c-can I phone her sometime?

INTERPRETER:
How?

JEFF:
Good point.

INTERPRETER:
Anyway, she's going back to Israel.

PATRICK:
Well?

STEVE:
How did it go?

JEFF:
She's leaving the country.
She doesn't speak English.
I insulted her friend's breasts.
And she thinks I collect women's ears in a bucket.

STEVE:
Well, you've had worse.

PATRICK:
"The Girl With Two Brains".

STEVE:
Three brains, Patrick.

PATRICK:
Oh yeah, I forgot about that one.

SALLY:
Her eyes will be the first to go.
She'll crease them with all that smiling.
She'll have crinkly squinty eyes like an Australian or an unmarried aunt.

SUSAN:
So, what do we think of her breasts?

JANE:
Uh, so good.
It's as if they're on purpose.

SUSAN:
Spectacular, aren't they?

SALLY:
The bigger they are, the further they fall.

SUSAN:
You're a cruel woman, Sally.

SALLY:
A woman's breasts are a journey.
Her feet are the destination.

JANE:
You say such horrible things!
Do her neck now.

SALLY:
It's all part of a talk I give at my salon for women who've just turned 30.
"Gravity. This time it's personal."
SUSAN:
Yeah, but the point is, are they fake?

SALLY:
Of course, they're fake.
They're so realistic.

JANE:
Yeah, they're all pert and firm.
Are we supposed to believe that?

SALLY:
Uh-huh, yeah.
That she doesn't lie on her back and fill her armpits.

SUSAN:
Sally, in case you didn't realize, you said that out loud.

SALLY:
She'll probably run to fat in later life.

SUSAN:
She'll probably inflate like an emergency dingey the day after she marries a billionaire.
Actually, that's my plan too.

SUSAN:
Face it, girls, we are looking at perfection.
Perfect hair, perfect breasts, and a bottom... so tight it could do lipsync.
And you know what?

JANE:
What?

SUSAN:
We are grown up attractive women in our own right.
We are mature enough simply to appreciate her as the thing of beauty she undoubtedly is.

JANE:
You're right.

SALLY:
I suppose so.

SUSAN:
So, let's just try to be [adult/adults], shall we, huh?

SALLY:
Look!
She's still got the price tag stucked to the sole of her shoe!

SUSAN:
Where? Show me!

JANE:
Oh, I see it!
Left foot!
SUSAN:
Oh yeah, look at that!

SALLY:
It's not even on straight, slut!

SUSAN:
Do you know, I really wish this didn't make us so incredibly happy.

JANE:
I'm going to tell the girls at the next table.

SUSAN:
Oh no, don't.
One of them's got good lips.

SALLY:
Oh, here we go.

SUSAN:
What?

SALLY:
She's seen someone she likes.

SUSAN:
Has she?

JANE:
Oh yeah, look at her!

SUSAN:
She's on boy alert.

JANE:
[Whole new] head angle, and…

SUSAN:
Yes! A private smile, suggests humor and approachability.

SUSAN:
Covert glance, coming up…
SUSAN, SALLY and JANE:
[(Girly screetch)]

SALLY:
So who's the lucky guy?

JANE:
Could be the tall one.

SALLY:
Nah, the blond one.

JANE:
Look, there's Jeff.

SALLY:
Oh yeah, right.
Could be the one in the leather jacket.
He's got that dangerous thing.

JANE:
Yeah, he's a possibility.

SUSAN:
Actually, all these guys are with someone, except Jeff.

JANE:
Right.

SALLY:
Yeah.

JANE:
So it must be a woman!

SUSAN:
You guys might be missing the obvious here.
Haven't you consider she could be looking at Jeff?

SALLY:
No, but seriously…

SUSAN:
I'm serious!
Yes she is.
It's Jeff!

SALLY:
No! Not… Jeff.

SUSAN:
Yes!

SALLY:
But she's not meant for a guy like Jeff.
He's supposed to have someone plimp and organized.
Healthy looking but mottled.
Probably called Joan or Frida.
All chunky jackets and hillwalking and they'll get married and she'll age badly and I'll just seem
prettier and prettier.

SUSAN:
Sally, still out loud.
Think I'll say hi.

SUSAN:
Jeff.

JEFF:
Susan. Hi.

SUSAN:
Hi, so what's this then?

JEFF:
What are you talking about?

SUSAN:
Longing looks across the bar.

JEFF:
What longing looks?

BARTENDER:
Who with?

SUSAN:
Brunette with the book.

WOMAN:
Oh, not the [woman/one] with the price tag on her shoe.

JEFF:
What?

SUSAN:
So what's the story? Huh?

JEFF:
What story? Why should there be a story?
Why are you suddenly going on about stories all the time?

SUSAN:
Who is she? Apart from gorgeous and giving you the eye.

JEFF:
Yeah, she was giving him the eye yesterday too.
Sorry, I'm late.

SUSAN:
And?

JEFF:
And I told her I collect women's ears in a bucket.

SUSAN:
Why do you always have to say something like that?

JEFF:
I don't.

STEVE:
Ah, ah-ah-ah… Audrey Watkins… My flat warming.

JEFF:
I was drunk!

STEVE:
Yeah, worst chap-up line in the history of sex.
"You're so gorgeous, you should be embalmed."

JEFF:
Haha, yeah, yeah, I stressed that I didn't mean it immediately.

STEVE:
Yeah, she left by a toilet window.

JEFF:
Well, at least she didn't move house.
That was a big step forward for me!

STEVE:
So, how's your next step forward going?

JEFF:
Doesn't speak a word of English.
And she's going back to Israel anyway.

SUSAN:
Hold her look.
Hold her look and wave.

JEFF:
Both? At the same time? Are you mad!

SUSAN:
Do it!

JEFF:
No, no, I can't. I can't I'm…

SUSAN:
Jeff, Jeff, listen to me.
Women want somebody with command, with confidence.
Someone who won't take no for an answer.
We want somebody arrogant and gorgeous with a terrifying sexual appetite and amazing range of
sexual technique.
But when it comes right down to it, do you know what? We'll settle for a man.

STEVE:
(Really???)

SUSAN:
Go!

JEFF:
But she won't understand a word I'm saying!

SUSAN:
Yeah but on the plus side: she won't understand a word you're saying.
JEFF:
I haven't thought of that.

STEVE:
S-so… have you settled for me, then?

SUSAN:
Aw, don't be paranoid, Steve.
Of course I have.

JEFF:
Um…, Hello.
Would it be alright if I sat here?

ISRARLI GIRL:
(says something in Hebrew)

JEFF:
Thank you.
Hi. Hehe.

ISRARLI GIRL:
(says something in Hebrew)

JEFF:
So, um, your-your interpreter's not here, then?

ISRARLI GIRL:
(says something in Hebrew)

JEFF:
I'm-I'm-I'm- just saying that you don't understand what I'm saying?

ISRARLI GIRL:
(says something in Hebrew)

JEFF:
Um, you don't understand…
(Jeff touches his ear. The girl hides her ears)
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, let's not get started on that whole ear thing again.

ISRARLI GIRL:
(says something in Hebrew)

JEFF:
Oh, I wish to God I knew what any of that meant.

ISRARLI GIRL:
(says something in Hebrew)

JEFF:
I wish your interpreter… your interpreter was here.

ISRARLI GIRL:
Alice?
JEFF:
Alice, yes, yes!

ISRARLI GIRL:
(says something in Hebrew)

JEFF:
Yeah, yeah, Alice.
You know what?
There's something that I've always wanted to say and, um…, now I feel that, at long last, I can.
Breasts. Breasts! Breasts! Breasts! Breasts! Breasts!

ISRARLI GIRL:
(says something in Hebrew)

JEFF:
Oh God, it was good to get that out.

ISRARLI GIRL:
(says something in Hebrew)

JEFF:
I don't know what the hell you just said, but can I-can I just say "bra"?

ISRARLI GIRL:
(says something in Hebrew)

JEFF:
Oh my God, this makes life so much easier!
Thighs.
Tights!
Wh-wh-wh-wh-what's your name?

ISRARLI GIRL:
(says something in Hebrew)

JEFF:
No, no, hang on, um… name.
Um, Jeff. Alice.

ISRARLI GIRL:
(says something in Hebrew)

JEFF:
No, no, no, no, no, hang on, hang on, hang on.
Name.
Look, n-a-m-e.
Name.
Name!

ISRARLI GIRL:
(says something in Hebrew)

JEFF:
Yes!
ISRARLI GIRL:
(says something in Hebrew including Shadayim)

JEFF:
Oh, Shadayim?

ISRARLI GIRL:
Shadayim.

JEFF:
Oh, that's a beautiful name!
Shadayim!

ISRARLI GIRL:
(says something in Hebrew)

JEFF:
Steve, Shadayim!

STEVE:
Shadayim!

ISRARLI GIRL:
(says something in Hebrew)

JEFF:
Alice.

ISRARLI GIRL:
(says something in Hebrew)

JEFF:
Oh, Alice, yes, yes.
We need Alice to translate.
For a bit, anyway.

ISRARLI GIRL:
(says something in Hebrew)

JEFF:
Here.
You mean, here?

ISRARLI GIRL:
(says something in Hebrew)

JEFF:
Tomorrow?

ISRARLI GIRL:
(says something in Hebrew)

JEFF:
Seven o'clock.
Here, tomorrow night, seven o'clock.
Great!
ISRARLI GIRL:
(says something in Hebrew)

JEFF:
Yeah, bring Alice!

ISRARLI GIRL:
(says something in Hebrew)

JEFF:
Well I don't know what this is about, but it's brilliant!

ISRARLI GIRL:
(says something in Hebrew)

JEFF:
Alice.

ISRARLI GIRL:
(says something in Hebrew)

JEFF:
I have no idea what you're saying, but don't stop!

ISRARLI GIRL:
(says something in Hebrew)

JEFF:
Gusset. Gusset! Gusset!

ISRARLI GIRL:
(says something in Hebrew)

JEFF:
Alice?

ISRARLI GIRL:
(says something in Hebrew)

JEFF:
Oh, you're going?
Right, OK, well, I'll see you tomorrow.

ISRARLI GIRL:
(says something in Hebrew)

JEFF:
Oh right, me! Bye!

ISRARLI GIRL:
(says something in Hebrew)

JEFF:
(repeats what Israeli girl said)
ISRARLI GIRL:
(says something in Hebrew)

JEFF:
I'll see you tomorrow night.
(repeats what Israeli girl said in Hebrew adding Shadayim)

now let's see that again…


…but this time, imagine you're Israeli

JEFF:
(say someting in gibberish language)

ISRARLI GIRL:
I have no idea what you just said, but English is such a sexy language.
Sit down.

JEFF:
(say someting in gibberish language)

ISRARLI GIRL:
Hello.

JEFF:
(say someting in gibberish language)

ISRARLI GIRL:
Sorry, my interpreter is not here.

JEFF:
(say someting in gibberish language)

ISRARLI GIRL:
Sorry, I'm not getting any of this.

JEFF:
(say someting in gibberish language)

ISRARLI GIRL:
You know, you are seriously cute.
I know you don't understand a word I'm saying, but you really are.

JEFF:
(say someting in gibberish language)

ISRARLI GIRL:
Very, very cute.

JEFF:
(say someting in gibberish language)

ISRARLI GIRL:
Alice?
JEFF:
(say someting in gibberish language)

ISRARLI GIRL:
Oh, you like Alice, do you?

JEFF:
Alice! (say someting in gibberish language)

ISRARLI GIRL:
Oh well.

JEFF:
(say someting in gibberish language)

ISRARLI GIRL:
Wow! You really do like Alice, don't you?

JEFF:
(say someting in gibberish language)

ISRARLI GIRL:
Well, lucky old Alice!

JEFF:
(say someting in gibberish language)

ISRARLI GIRL:
You're so sweet.

JEFF:
(say someting in gibberish language)

ISRARLI GIRL:
Not getting any of this.

JEFF:
Jeff. Alice.

ISRARLI GIRL:
Oh, you want me to ask Alice out for you.

JEFF:
(say someting in gibberish language)

ISRARLI GIRL:
No, no, no… um…

JEFF:
(say someting in gibberish language)

ISRARLI GIRL:
Oh, you mean these?

JEFF:
(say someting in gibberish language)
ISRARLI GIRL:
You mean my breasts?

JEFF:
Breasts.

ISRARLI GIRL:
Breasts.

JEFF:
(say someting in gibberish language ending with breasts)

ISRARLI GIRL:
You-you really like breasts then?

JEFF:
Steve, Breasts!

STEVE:
Breasts!

ISRARLI GIRL:
Oh God, you really like bosoms in this country, don't you?
Poor old Alice, she's hardly got any at all.
You better not mention that.
She's very sensitive about it.

JEFF:
Alice.

ISRARLI GIRL:
So you really want to see Alice again then?

JEFF:
(say someting in gibberish language)

ISRARLI GIRL:
Ok, she'll be here…

JEFF:
(say someting in gibberish language)

ISRARLI GIRL:
Um, tomorrow…

JEFF:
(say someting in gibberish language)

ISRARLI GIRL:
Seven o'clock.

JEFF:
(say someting in gibberish language)

ISRARLI GIRL:
Alice will be here.

JEFF:
(say someting in gibberish language)

ISRARLI GIRL:
I know I shouldn't be doing this.
I know this is definitely wrong, but what the hell, I'm on a holiday.

JEFF:
(say someting in gibberish language)

ISRARLI GIRL:
I'm going back home tomorrow night.
Do what you like with Alice.

JEFF:
Alice…

ISRARLI GIRL:
Tonight, since it's my last night here, why don't we go off and misbehave?

JEFF:
(say someting in gibberish language)

ISRARLI GIRL:
You're so sweet!

JEFF:
(say someting in gibberish language)

ISRARLI GIRL:
Alice has friends here, we'd better be careful.

JEFF:
Alice?

ISRARLI GIRL:
Look, I'll tell you what.
I will leave now.

JEFF:
(say someting in gibberish language)

ISRARLI GIRL:
And YOU follow me in five minutes.

JEFF:
(say someting in gibberish language)

ISRARLI GIRL:
Five minutes.

JEFF:
Five minutes.
ISRARLI GIRL:
I'll see you in a moment.

JEFF:
(say someting in gibberish language)
Five minutes, breasts.
10 minutes later

ALICE:
Hi, I was told you'd be here.
Is something wrong?

JEFF:
Sorry, I was-I was expecting Shadayim.

PATRICK:
They arrested him?

STEVE:
Yeah, at Heathrow.
They kept him there for hours.

PATRICK:
Just 'cause he was looking for that girl?

STEVE:
Well yeah, but you know Jeff.
He is a bit carried away.
I mean, all he was doing was running around the (ELAL???) shouting her name.

PATRICK:
But they've let him go now?

STEVE:
Yeah, yeah.
Suggested counselling.

PATRICK:
I've got it.

STEVE:
What?

PATRICK:
Perfect.

STEVE:
What?

PATRICK:
"The Girl With Two Breasts".

STEVE:
Patrick, that is the stupidest title yet.

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