Romantic Relationship Toolbox (Grow Resources)

Copyright 2009 by Hope Church (S)

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, sorted in a retrieval system, or transmitted,
in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without prior written
permission of the church.

Bible quotations taken from the HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION® NIV® ©1973, 1978, 1984,
2011 by the International Bible Society.
All rights reserved.
Contents Page

Session 1: Seasons of Attraction and Friendship 3

Session 2: Season of Interest/Exploration 18

Session 3: Season of Courtship 30

Session 4: Season of Engagement 43

The Bible does not have a one-size fit all program for us. Our lives are too different, our circumstances too
unique and our God too creative to have only one formula for romance. Like any unique snowflakes, it can only
be formed at specific temperature and precipitation. Godhonouring romance can only form when we follow
godly patterns and principles.

Today many Christians are disillusioned with the way romantic relationships are handled. We desperately want
something better. But the 'something better' we long for won't come by putting a new name on old attitudes.
We have to change. We need new attitudes - values that are shaped by Scripture and radically God-centered
view of romance.

This resource is developed for this purpose. It is to be used in relation to the New BGR Framework taught by
Ps Jeff Chong on 3 October 2007. Each chapter in this resource focuses on a specific stage of relationship
and attempts to address issues, questions and scenarios you would usually encounter in that stage. Biblical
principles and practical help are explored and suggested. As there are many other good resources on this
subject as well, this guide also draws in these other relevant materials and puts them into an easy-to-read
format.

To get a good grasp of this resource, look at the chart first. The first 2 rows of principles and rows are taken
from the New BGR Framework. What follows are the components of spiritual, emotional and physical
dimensions in the different stages. Common issues relating to that particular stage are also covered.

Note that even though the materials are arranged according to stages, it doesn’t mean that a chapter is only
confined to the particular stage of relationship. For example, certain considerations made at friendship stage,
e.g. seeking God and physical boundaries, are not only confined to that stage but runs through all stages of
relationship. Another common thread is defining what you are looking in a life partner and discovering if you
are compatible. You will find intertwining and emphasising of themes throughout the chapters. You will gain
maximum benefit from this resource when it is read as a whole.

This resource is for the youth and adults, and our various people groups in the church. About the latter, do
note that this resource is primarily written from the perspective of relationships developed in the Singapore
context. Thus do factor in cultural expressions when you use it.

This resource can be used for personal reading/reflection, mentoring, discussion with your accountability
partners or discussions in groups.
Copyright© 2009 by Hope Church (Singapore)
 Dealing with
emotional baggage. Communicating your Increasing one-on-one Becoming one
Building casual Build intention for the emotional time together. emotionally.
Emotional emotional
interaction. relationship. Building deeper friendship. Managing emotional
Commitment interaction.
Building emotional Building romance. ties with families.
intimacy.

Remain in green zone &

Remain in green zone & Remain in green zone
Physical Remain in green zone Remain in green exercise caution to avoid
exercise caution to avoid & exercise caution to
Commitment (see chapter 3). zone (see chapter 3). amber zone.
amber zone. avoid amber zone.

What is not dating?

What is attraction? Understanding gender
What is love? Are you ready for Questions to ask
differences.
Are you in love or are you infatuated? courtship? before you get
Discovery through
Looking for Mr Right & Miss Right. Marriage Preparation engaged.
asking.
Issues How to keep friendships godly? Course. Making it public.
What is your
Common mistakes singles make. Moving Away and On. Appendix –
compatibility potential?
Appendix - Spotcheck: Is “MARRIAGE
Appendix – What is your
your relationship healthy? acronym”
love language?

Copyright © 2009 by Hope Church (Singapore)

SESSION 1
Seasons of Attraction and Friendship
Introduction

At the foundation of any romantic relationship, a healthy friendship is essential. The world teaches us to rush into
relationships but focus on physical attraction often leads to disastrous results. The right approach is to know one
another through friendship building. Developing healthy friendships is the springboard for a wonderful courtship
and a strong marriage.

“Friendship is the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts
nor measure words, but pouring them all out just as they are, chaff and grain together, certain that a faithful, friendly
hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and with a breath of comfort, blow the rest away." –
George Eliot

As the topic of friendships is familiar to most of us, what is covered here will be more specific to aspects of
relationships in the light of them possibly becoming romantic ones. Look up lesson 4 on Cultivating Relationships
in Healthy Relationships WFL for more input on how to enhance and improve relationships and also
recommendations at end of this chapter.

As the stages of attraction and friendship overlap easily, both are covered in this one chapter.

This chapter begins by exploring the spiritual, emotional and physical dimensions of personal life and friendships.

Next we explore the key elements of establishing friendship and understanding of romantic love:

 What is not dating?

 What is attraction?
 What is love?
 Are you in love or are you infatuated
 Looking for Mr Right and Miss Right
 How to keep friendships godly
 Common mistakes singles make

Guidelines for Spritual Health and Commitment

 Concentrating on personal growth and wholeness

In their book Relationships, Drs Les and Leslie Parrott shared this secret: “If you try to find intimacy with another
person before achieving a sense of intimacy on your own, all your relationships become an attempt to complete
yourself.” To build healthy relationships, you first need to learn to become whole or complete – to have a sense of
self-worth, self-identity and healthy self concept. It is the old saying – “be the right person first rather than trying to
look for the right person.”

Therefore whilst you are making friends, build this inner core of yours. A solid sense of who you are provides the
foundation you need to forge friendships that last and to find your soul mate. The self-concept is at the very centre
of a person’s emotional and mental functioning. How do you build your self-concept? There are no shortcuts –
working towards personal wholeness takes time and determination, together with the work of the Holy Spirit. It is
a lifelong process. For some of you, this may not be a new discovery as you are already growing into such a
dimension of spiritual maturity; for others it may be a new awakening of self-discovery. Here are the ways to
personal growth: (1) healing past hurts (2) being real and (3) developing life vision and focus.

It does not mean that you have to “master” all of these before you can pursue friendships or romantic relationships.
Rather, it is part of our growth as a person and a child of God. Working on these areas will make us better people
– and thus also better life partners.

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  Healing past hurts

No matter how great a childhood we have or how pleasant our relationships have been, there were times when
we experience some sort of relational pain. It could be pain caused by disappointment, rejection, unfulfilled
expectations etc. For some, the personal hurts run deep; for others it could be just a few scratches. Whatever it is,
this step toward wholeness is crucial. It involves a process of painful self-exploration and honest examination.
Here are some questions to ask yourself:

Reflect on your personal history and make a note of any memories you have of feeling neglected or abandoned
(even if they seem fairly insignificant)

Are there people from your past or present that you blame for not being there for you? Who are they and what do
you blame them for?

As you review these painful moments from you past, do you see ways in which they may still be impacting the
present? In what ways are they determining choices you are making when it comes to your relationships?

Are you able to extend forgiveness to those who are involved in your painful memories? Are you able to release
any resentment you may be holding on to? What do you need to do to take care of “unfinished business”?

Why is this step necessary? This process helps to protect you from repeating the pain of your past in your present
and future relationships. Whether knowingly or unknowingly, we sometimes use new relationships to cover over
old hurts and old losses (e.g. of a previous partner, parent, good friend). If you do not allow these hurts to be
healed, chances are you will repeat relational problems and replay your pain in other new relationships. Old
patterns and habits that are detrimental can surface and may lead to bigger problems. Repressed feelings,
especially painful ones, have a high sense of resurrection. Therefore the first step to wholeness is to begin where
it hurts.

Take time to explore your personal pain. Enlist the help of your mentor or a trusted friend. If you are carrying a
great deal of personal pain and are not able to work through them, you could benefit from professional help.
Ultimately, we need to have the faith and trust in God who is our Shepherd and Comforter that He will help us in
resolving these hurts when we allow Him to work in and through our lives.

 Being real

Humans are complicated beings. Even though we are created with an innate desire to be known, more often than
not we are afraid to reveal our true selves. We are afraid of being seen as too expressive or not expressive enough;
too assertive, or not assertive enough; too friendly or not friendly enough. We vacillate between the impulse to
reveal ourselves and the impulse to protect ourselves.

What leads us to hide behind masks? The primary reason is that we are afraid that others may not love, respect
or accept us when they know us for who we really are; we are afraid of rejection. Therefore we portray what we
desire others to see. However if we continue doing this, over time, we become a fragmented being. When what
we do and what we say do not match who we really are, we are not able to build intimacy. You would be constantly
trying to build an impression that is not really there. This constant thinking of yourself instead of thinking for others
will cause much stress and uncertainty in the relationship. Healthy relationships need authenticity and honesty as
foundation.

As you learn to be real and remove your masks, be reminded of the saying: “be transparent but not naked”. Be
wise that you do not reveal to the extent that it becomes detrimental or stumbling to you or to the other person.
Another saying “openness begets openness’” also rings true.
Once you take off your mask and reveal the new you – your fears, excitement and desires – others are likely to do
the same.

 Developing life vision and focus

We often hear the phrase “personalise the vision” in our church when we talk about fulfilling the Great Commission
in our lives. On the macro level, the Great Commission is for every Christian; on the micro (individual) level, God
has His unique plan on how it is going to be worked out in your life. It is easier to be passive and drift through life

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and just “let things happen” than to be deliberate and seek God for the destiny in your life. However to achieve
wholeness and have meaningful relationships, it is important to develop life vision. This pursuit of life vision is not
a once-off event, rather it is lifelong. Taking responsibility for your destiny will determine the kind of relationships
you build. Instead of haphazardly falling into any relationships, you will be careful to weigh whether such
relationships will help both of you to live out your destinies.

All of your relationships, if they are to be healthy, have to stem from you having an identity, life purpose and
courage to continue to change to become a better person. An important aspect in forging identity is to focus on
being totally content and feeling complete as a single belonging to Christ. If you are waiting for your knight or
princess to appear and then work on your goals and vision in life, you are shortchanging what God has for you.
Waiting for someone to make you complete shows that your trust is not in God. Learn to rely on God to meet your
deepest needs. Personal significance does not come from marital status or anyone, it comes from God alone.

 Seeking God and godly counsel

Why is it important to seek God? Because God is for us. He wants to give us the very best. Seek God’s direction
and leading about your friendship. Submit your will to God in making decisions and ask for His perfect will. Be
careful not to act rashly or out of overwhelming emotions. Proverbs 20:25 It is a trap for a man to dedicate
something rashly and only later to consider his vows.

You are encouraged to find someone whom you can seek counsel and account for your relationships. It is a sign
of maturity when you sincerely seek advice, counsel, and direction. The person could be your shepherd/mentor,
members of the Relationship Counsel Team or trusted leaders. By being open and honest with someone, you
willingly allow them to serve as a roadblock to you if they see you moving in a dangerous or destructive direction.
The major roles of the person who hold you accountable should be threefold:

 Express affirmation or concern about your friendship

 Oversee the development of your friendship
 Help you to be accountable for the spiritual, emotional, and physical progress of your friendship

Accountability is a blessing. Accountability doesn’t mean being dominated by authority; rather; it is receiving the
protection of authority. Proverbs 15:22 Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.
Encouraging each other spiritually (moving from attraction to friendship)
As you grow in wholeness and spiritual maturity, you lay the foundation for healthy relationships. When you find
yourself attracted to a certain person of the opposite gender, focus on developing spiritual qualities and convictions
and knowing each other in non-artificial settings. Find a church activity or ministry in which you both can be involved
in. You are better able to observe and know each other through serving together.

As the friendship develops, share with each other God’s vision for your lives. Discover each other’s spiritual gifts,
maturity level, and desire to serve God. Engage in deeper spiritual talk but limited intimate one-on-one talk.

Guidelines for Emotional Health and Commitment

 Dealing with emotional baggage

Before becoming emotionally intimate with another person, examine yourself to see if you are lugging any
emotional baggage. This is part and parcel of our sanctification process as God’s children. Emotional baggage is
developed mostly during our childhood. Of all our relationships, no other relationships shape us more than our
families. Most of what we think, feel, say, and do is in response to the way we grew up. On the conscious level,
we can accept or reject the lessons learned. On the unconscious level, it seeps into our ways of thinking, feeling
and doing. Learn to identify what might be some of the emotional baggage that you can carry into other
relationships. Some of these could be:

- conflict-avoidance pattern
- unwritten family rules such as never showing your emotions
- compromise when you can failure is not an option unhealthy pattern of abruptly ending relationships etc.

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Whether your families are functional or dysfunctional, they are launching pad for all other relationships. If your
home was healthy, count your blessings and acknowledge your parents’ hard work. If your home was unhealthy,
identify those unhealthy traits and move on without excess baggage weighing you down. It is important to work on
such emotional baggage as unresolved issues and sins will influence emotional health in other relationships. Look
for recommended resources on this topic at the end of this chapter.

If you are unsure of what are some of the issues that you might be carrying, ask trusted friends: “what areas can I
grow in?” Your revelation also comes from God, His Word and the Holy Spirit. Notwithstandingly, not everyone
has major issues to deal with. If there isn’t, don’t go digging for it. Thank the Lord for good emotional health.

 Building casual interaction

We are often guilty of impatience in our relationships. We rush into romance instead of waiting until friendship fully
blooms. Our impatience not only costs us the beauty of friendship as singles, it can also place our future marriages
on shaky ground.

Don’t rush. Focus on getting to know one another as friends. Be careful about sharing feelings or thoughts that
may get each other emotionally involved. Keep each other free of emotional intimacy.

 Building emotional interaction (moving from attraction to friendship)

When you find yourself attracted to someone, make building a deeper relationship your first priority. Romance
can be a more exciting level of relationship, but it can also foster illusion and infatuation, obscuring the true
character of each person involved. Remember, once you unleash your emotions in romantic love, your objectivity
begins to fade.

How then can you deepen the friendship at this point? Share surface feelings; being careful not to prematurely
reveal too much of yourself and emotions. Focus on external social and ministry activities instead of one-on-one
intimate interaction.

While your friendship progresses, avoid saying and doing things that express romantic love. The context of
deepening friendship is not the time to talk about your possible future together; it is the time to get to know each
other, serve God together in the church and listen for God’s leading. Do not take things into your own hands by
flirting and dropping hints about romantic feelings. It will take patience and self-control not to express your feelings
prematurely, but it will be worth it.

Guidelines for Physical Expressions of Friendship

Friendship love can be described as “companionate love.” This may be defined as a strong bond, including a
tender attachment and enjoyment of each other’s company. Healthy physical expressions of such love would be
a pat on the shoulder and other actions that are non-sexual, not lingering in nature and that will not lead to
emotional or physical arousal. It is not characterised by wild untamed passion and constant excitement.

At this stage of friendship, remain in the green zone of physical intimacy (refer to chapter 3). This means non-
sexual and intimate proximity. Depending on the culture of your society, normal forms of greeting will be
appropriate. Anything more can be easily misunderstood. Bear in mind to keep this relationship free of physical
intimacy.

To better understand how you can best relate and express to the opposite gender, Joshua Harris in his book Boy
Meets Girl talks about first embracing the God-given roles of men and women in relationships.

Men’s roles:

- Assume the responsibility of leading and initiating in your relationships with women.

Leading is a form of serving. Be servant initiators – firm but gentle, masculine yet caring, leaders yet servants.
When you provide direction, clarity and initiate conversations and activities, you are serving your sisters. You can
serve by going forward to introduce yourself, suggest get-togethers in group settings, make conversations etc. A
common feedback about the males in our church is that they do not know how to initiate! It could be fear of rejection

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or shyness, but you will not know the other person’s response if you do not take the first step. It would also be
good for men to set the spiritual pace in relationships with women. When you are spiritually healthy and growing,
initiating will not be a problem and should be a natural part of you. It is men’s responsibility to ensure the
relationship is growing at a healthy rate and to ensure both are guarding their hearts. Men are called to be
protectors, not seducers.

- Do little things in your relationships with women that communicate your care, respect and desire to protect.

As the saying goes “actions speak louder than words.” Here are some gestures: opening doors, pulling out chairs,
walking on the outside when you are walking together, helping to carry bags (not handbags!) etc. You are doing it
not because you have to or it is demanded of you, but you want to as you care for your sisters. It is important for
the women not to overly read into such gestures as romantic overtures when you are having casual friendships.
Unless the men express interest, take it that the person is practising servant leadership in a gentlemanly manner.

- Encourage women to embrace godly femininity.

When women are humble, gentle, kind, allow you to practice leadership and display godly character, be the first
to affirm and encourage them. Let them know you respect them for standing firm to their godly convictions and
values. Also avoid putting down those who do not behave in a feminine manner.

Women’s roles:

- Be a sister to the men in your life.

This means that instead of seeing men as potential mates, serve and treat Christian men as you would your
brothers. Pray, encourage and allow them to lead. Be yourself. Be real and genuine. Let them see you as who you
really are.

- Cultivate godliness and inward beauty in your life.

The Proverbs 31 woman may or may not be your guide. What is important is to grow in your relationship with God
and allow Him to change you into His image. Instead of focusing on outward beauty, build up the inner one. This
does not mean not paying attention to your physical self. Maintaining modesty and personal hygiene are important.
What is often neglected is developing godly virtues. Godly men will be attracted to such inward beauty.

What is not Dating?

As explained in the New BGR Framework resource, this framework allows members to create their own
opportunities and avenues to know people of the opposite gender. However such one-to-one meetings can be
misconstrued as dating. One-to-one meeting does not equate to a dating relationship. It is merely an interaction
between two parties to know each other. In fact, what we are encouraging is not dating but courtship (which means
the whole process of knowing another person and not to be mistaken as the stage of courtship).

Courtship is very different from dating. The principles of dating are self-centered and culturally determined.
Courtship, on the other hand, is based on principles that are God-centered and biblically based. The primary
distinction between courtship and dating lies in the motive of the relationship: is their intention for commitment to
marriage or is their intention to just have a good time with no long-term perspective? Courtship is a relationship
between a man and a woman who are actively and intentionally together to consider marriage. When we pursue
relationships for our own selfish reasons, we often miss what God has planned for us.

Though the Bible does not contain the words “dating” and “courtship”, it clearly provides guidelines for one-to-
one male/female relationships. After creating the whole earth, God said it is not good for the man to be alone. I
will make a helper suitable for him. (Genesis 2:18). Then he created Eve for Adam. From that time, the Bible
provides a framework for biblical romance, marriage and lifelong commitment.

Whether you are in a relationship or thinking of embarking on one, take some time to review whether your present
or future relationship bears the following. It is important to have the right understanding and attitude towards this
important area of your life. Here are some good reminders of what courtship is about.

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Courtship characteristics (as contrasted to dating):

- Courtship is God-designed, one-on-one, male/female relationships with a view toward marriage.

- Courtship begins at an age when the person is ready to get married. While you wait for God to reveal His
choice of a mate, concentrate on being the right person instead of finding the right person.
- Courtship involves progressive levels of friendship.A spiritual authority or a parent oversees the relational
development and provides accountability for spiritual, emotional, and physical involvement.
- Courtship keeps the focus on Christ, not each other or the relationship. In the early stages of friendship, begin
by spending only limited amounts of time together and very little time one-on-one alone.
- Courtship is not exclusive and isolated, rather it involves vital relationships and support from others.
- Courtship takes place mostly in church, in ministry, in group and in family activities.

What is Attraction?

Is attraction a bad thing? Some Christians believe that when they are physically attracted to another, it’s a thing of
the flesh and it is bad. The truth is that not only did God make two sexes, but He made the two sexes to be attracted
to each other. The ability to be attracted to another person is a gift of God. The things we are attracted to have to
do with our personality and uniqueness. Not all of us are attracted to same things. Some are attracted to food, art
whilst others are attracted to fast cars, nature. Attraction is the acknowledgement that something is pleasant. It is
not wrong or sinful to say things like, “this piece of chocolate is so delicious” or “this sunrise is spectacular” or “this
guy is good looking” or “this girl looks stunning.” These are statements or facts. In them we are merely articulating
something that is attractive to us.

This attraction gift is a very special gift of God to those who are made in His image. We are not animals who are
driven by chemical reactions to perform certain deeds. We are creatures to whom God has given a special gift, the
gift of choice. We have a sense of right and wrong placed within to guide our actions. Attraction is not a sin, but it
can lead to lust if we degrade another person to the sum of their body parts. It becomes a sin when the person
becomes a sexual object to us and we lose sight of the uniqueness and complete person God created them to be.

God designed us to have very close friends of the same sex as well as the opposite sex. Some are closer to those
in their own gender, and others toward another gender. Your attraction can be on the other person’s physical
features, intellect, imagination, humour, spirit, character, personality etc. What attracted you to one person is
different from what is attractive to another. Be careful of the danger of overinflating physical attraction. Our culture
has elevated the value of physical attractiveness beyond what its value actually is. God made us to be attracted
to people’s inside as well as their outside. In fact, the inside is the one that is of greater importance.

Your attraction can also become a romantic attraction (different from sexual attraction) as you know the person
better. There are two things to remember about romantic attraction: it is usually singular in focus and it can be
controlled. Have you noticed that you’re not romantically attracted to four persons at one time? Sometimes you
might be interested in a few for a short time, but as you get to know them, one of them emerges as the one you
are interested in. At this stage, you’re likely in this situation as you’re exploring your interests. However when you
move on to courtship, it is with a single person. The singular nature of romantic attraction is found in the Bible –
e.g. in Jacob’s attraction and love for Rachel.

Romantic attractions are also not beyond your control. You can make decisions on it in accordance with God’s
Word. You do not need to let emotions or other unhealthy influences determine whether you should stay in a
relationship that is detrimental to you. You can make wise choices.

What is Love?

"Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it
can be obtained." – C.S. Lewis

Our understanding of love may be tainted by the world’s definition and expression. It is important to
have the right understanding.

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 Common ideas of love:

- A strong positive emotion of regard and affection

- An object of warm affection or devotion
- A beloved person
- A deep feeling of sexual desire and attraction
- A term of endearment
- A term used for devotion to something and to almost anything

Biblical understanding of love:

The first Greek term for love is eros love. Eros love is the love of sexual passion. It is based upon physical attraction
and fulfillment. This love is necessary for marriage to succeed; however, it cannot be sustained by eros alone.
Proverbs 5:15-19.

The second Greek term for love is phileo love. Phileo love is the love of best friends. Romans 12:10-13. Phileo love
involves doing life as friends.

The third Greek term for love is agape love. It is the love of sacrificial commitment. Agape love is God-given,
supernatural and unconditional love. It is self-giving in meeting the real needs of the other person with the purpose
of helping the person to become a better and more matured individual. Agape’s characteristics are found in 1
Corinthians 13:4-8.

True love is a cord of these 3 types of love.

Are You in Love or Are You Infatuated?

No matter how mature we consider ourselves, we can fall into the trap of infatuation, thinking it is love.

Here are some major differences between infatuation and love:

Infatuation Love
Infatuation is a feeling – it is about emotions Love is willing – it is about the will
You fall into infatuation You grow into love
Infatuation is selfish – it says “I love you because Love is selfless – it says “You’re beautiful because I
you’re beautiful.” love you.”
Infatuation is temporary Love endures

To find out more, do the following twelve tests to discern whether your relationship is that of infatuation or love. It is
from the book Love, Sex, and Lasting Relationships by Chip Ingram.

Here is a summary of it.

1. The Test of Time

Love benefits and grows through time; infatuation ebbs and diminishes with time. Infatuation may come suddenly.
We find ourselves thinking, “Boom! I’m in love.” That’s actually infatuation. We probably ought to make an effort to
avoid speaking about “falling in love.” We can fall into infatuation, we can fall into lust, but we most truthfully grow
into love. Love develops out of relationship and caring and core personal character traits, not our instant impression
or perception of another person. Infatuation can explode at any moment, but real love takes time. More than one
wise person has advised not to declare love until a reasonable amount of time has passed.

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2. The Test of Knowledge

Love grows out of an appraisal of all the known characteristics of the other person. Infatuation may grow out of an
acquaintance with only one of these characteristics known about the other person. Something about the way that
person looks or the way he or she functions in a certain role may give you a very distorted idea of their full character.
You may not even know the other person. Frankly, a glance or a chance meeting can act as a kind of trigger that
sets off the chemicals.

Infatuation lives in a make-believe world where the object of our affection is perfect, flawless, and completely
devoted to us. Infatuation is happy to know very little. Love longs to know well. Love wants to study the other
person’s needs, desires, dreams, and hopes because it wants to do everything to make them a reality. Love is
interested, not in what it can get, but in what it can give. The development of a relationship ought to be like an
undergraduate degree in which the other person becomes a multifaceted and fascinating study. Marriage, then,
becomes a lifelong pursuit of a Ph.D. in knowing and understanding your spouse.

3. The Test of Focus

Genuine love is other-person centered. Infatuation is self-centered. You know what infatuated people are all caught
up with? Themselves. I watched a roommate in college discover the power of infatuation for the first time. The
Greeks were right – he went a little insane.

Every time we talked it was about how he was going to look, how he was going to come off, what kind of impression
he was going to make. I admit I had my own set of relational dysfunctions, but even I could see (infatuation is almost
always more obvious in someone else’s life) that he was suffering from some kind of fever or virus. What was his
focus? Himself. That’s not love; that’s chemical exchanges of the brain. Infatuation. In your most important
relationships, to what degree is your attention focused on what you are receiving from them and to what degree is
your attention focused on meeting the other’s needs? Do you think about how you’re going to look and feel in the
relationship, or about what you can do to make that person look and feel great?

4. The Test of Singularity

Genuine love is focused on only one person. An infatuated individual may be “in love” with two or more persons
simultaneously. The great majority of affairs rarely occur solely on the basis of physical attraction. They usually start
out with a little chemistry during a time of vulnerability. But families break up because very good, godly people
simply haven’t learned what to do in a situation where it suddenly feels so good to get some of the eros out. They
confuse infatuation with love and make foolish decisions.

The life cycle of infatuation is nine to eighteen months. Then all those breathless and wonderful feelings leave, and
you’re stuck with another person with the same kinds of needs that you have. That person knows you can’t be
trusted because you left your last mate. You know you can’t really trust them because, down deep, you’re afraid of
experiencing the kind of betrayal that you inflicted on someone else. What’s left are two unhappy people struggling
with character flaws. If you don’t know the difference between infatuation and love, you’ll destroy others’ loves and
your own.

5. The Test of Security

Genuine love requires and fosters a sense of security and feelings of trust. An infatuated individual seems to have
a blind sense of security, based upon wishful thinking rather than careful consideration; infatuation is blind to
problems. Or he or she may have a sense of insecurity that is sometimes expressed as jealousy. Security grows
and flows out of deep awareness of the other person’s character, values, and track record. You know who he or
she really is. And when you know who they really are, you trust them. You are not jealous because you know their
heart is yours. Jealousy is often a sign of a lack of trust, and a lack of trust is a sign of infatuation in real life.

6. The Test of Work

An individual in love works for the other person, for his or her mutual benefit. By contrast, an infatuated person
loses his or her ambition, appetite, and interest in everyday affairs. A woman in love may study to make her husband

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 proud. A man in love may have his ambitions spurred on by planning and saving for the future together. Partners in
genuine love may daydream about the potential of their relationship, but their daydreams are reasonably attained.
People in infatuation only think of their own misery. They often daydream of unrealistic objectives and ideals that
neither they nor their partner could ever actually attain. Sometimes the dreams become substitutes for reality and
each individual lives in a world of his or her own imagination.

7. The Test of Problem Solving

A couple in love faces problems frankly and tries to solve them. Infatuated people tend to disregard or try to ignore
problems. If there are barriers to getting married for a couple in love, those barriers are approached and removed.
The barriers that cannot be removed may be circumvented with knowledge. They do not go into marriage blindly.
They handle problems with clear, shared decisions. On the other hand, friends and family may be astonished at the
foolishness and blindness of infatuated people.

Genuine love, contrary to popular belief, isn’t blind. It sees very clearly. Infatuation, on the other side, exists almost
completely in the dark.

8. The Test of Distance

Love knows the importance of distance. Infatuation imagines love to be intense closeness, 24/7, all the time. I often
counsel those who are dating to go on a short-term mission trip or take on a project that will require them to work
alone. If circumstances require you to be temporarily separated from the one you love, that will teach you a lot about
the quality of your relationship. In terms of distance, if you’re in a long-term relationship right now and you call each
other three, four, or five times a day, or you just have to see each other every day, that’s not a good sign. That
means you’re trying to keep the chemicals alive. If there is not a sense of separateness, a distinct life, relationships
with other people, and healthy balance, then the relationship is probably a lot more infatuation than it is love.

9. The Test of Physical Attraction

Physical attraction is a relatively small part of genuine love, but it is the central focus of infatuation. Now don’t read
“small part” to mean “not a part” in what I just stated. If your heart doesn’t skip a beat now and then and you don’t
feel real attraction for you mate or the person you plan to marry, I’d call that a problem. Let’s not make genuine love
so spiritual that we deny reality and God’s Word. Sexual attraction definitely has a part in love. In contrast, I’ve
noticed an important characteristic about couples in genuine love. For them, any physical contract they have tends
to have special meaning as well as pleasure. Couples often communicate volumes through looks. These tend to
express what they feel toward each other. In infatuation, direct, continual physical contact tends to be an end in and
of itself. Time together requires only pleasurable experiences. Infatuation tends to produce a relationship that
attempts to exist on the emotional equivalent of a continual sugar rush.

10. The Test of Affection

In love affection is expressed later in the relationship, involving the external expression of the physical attraction
we just described. In infatuation affection is expressed earlier, sometimes at the very beginning. Affection tends to
push toward greater and greater physical intimacy. Without the control of the other aspects of genuine love, affection
spends itself quickly. It gives the appearance of making the relationship “close,” but the closeness is artificial and
fragile. When affection flows out of deep understanding and growing friendship, it gains in meaning and value.

11. The Test of Stability

Love tends to endure. Infatuation may change suddenly and unpredictably. In infatuation the wind blows here and
you’re in love. The wind blows there and you’re in love. Not so with real love. Real love is stable. There is
commitment. The test of stability can hardly be applied to a relationship measured in days or weeks. So how do
you test stability? Society suggests we test it by living together: For reasons we will look at later, living together
actually promotes instability rather than stability.

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 The best way to test stability in a new relationship comes through knowing that person in the context of his or her
other relationships. Frankly, someone who has been married more than once ought to expect to be calmly and
seriously tested when it comes to the question of stability.

12. The Test of Delayed Gratification

A couple in genuine love is not indifferent to the timing to the timing of their wedding, but they do not feel an
irresistible drive toward it. An infatuated couple tends to feel an urge to get married – instantly. Postponement for
the infatuated is intolerable. Why is this? Why wouldn’t a couple wait and do it at the right time in the right way?
Why wouldn’t a couple want to deal with the real issues so they could have a solid marriage? These questions
reveal the difference between love and infatuation.

As you enter into a potentially serious relationship, ask yourself if your pace is based in fear or faith. Is your pace
based on anxiety over deprivation and physical drives, or is your pace the result of a desire for careful and thorough
preparation for marriage?

Looking for Mr and Mrs Right

Most literature covering this topic stressed that the first priority is to be the right person. Instead of looking for
someone to fill that space in your life, be the right person first. The steps to becoming the right person are found in
the earlier section under Spiritual Commitment. Before looking for that right person, work on begin that Mr Right
and Miss Right yourself first.

You go on to ask, “while I’m growing as a person and as a Christian, how do I go about looking for Mr Right and
Miss Right?” “How does one know if a person is the right life partner?” “What qualities should one look for in a
spouse?” As you consider what is important in a life partner, you need to get past the surface and superficial issues
of looks, dress, and performance to the deep internal characteristics.

1. Define your Mr and Miss Right

List down the characteristics or qualities of the kind of person of would want to spend the rest of your life with.
Discovering these qualities help you to better decide whether or not to pursue a relationship.

Make three lists. The first list is called the “Must Haves”. These are the essentials. Here are some essentials to
consider:

Spiritual maturity and Christlike character

• Does he/she love God?

• Does he/she have a consistent lifestyle of worship toward God?
• Does he/she share his/her faith unashamedly?
• Is he/she excited by Christ?
• Is he/she secure in Christ?
• Does he/she exhibit the fruit of the Holy Spirit?

Strong family background (or at least the desire to develop one)

• When you marry a person, you marry the whole family too
• If the person comes from a dysfunctional family, invest time to see how you can relate healthily

Personal discipline

• How does the person handle time, money and take care of his/her body?
• How a person disciplines and conducts his/her life reveals much of the person’s character

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 Vision for the future

• Does he/she have an idea of what God wants him/her to be and do in his/her life?
• Is the person’s vision compatible with yours?
• Although your interests can vary greatly, in general you need to flow in the same direction

Relationship with others

• Observe how this person relates with authorities, parents, the opposite sex and companions
• This is a window to the person’s character

Personality

• Would you want someone with similar personality as you?

• What type of people are you most drawn to? Funny or serious? Strong and independent, or
someone who leaves the decision to you? Quiet or talkative? Intense or easygoing
• Choose someone with a personality you can live with and enjoy

Positive outlook on life

• Able to take adversity, stress and crisis in the right measure

Authenticity

• Able to completely be himself/herself

• Comfortable with who he/she is

Physical attractiveness

Be realistic about the looks; yet the person you marry should be someone who appeals to you physically

The second list is called “Good to Have”. It would be great to have them but you can live without them. Examples:
age difference, race, educational background etc.

The third list is labelled “Never”. When you see anyone with such characteristics, you would not even consider the
possibility of anything further than a friendship. This list likely includes character flaws that you foresee will cause
problems in a lifelong relationship. Examples: explosive anger, unwillingness to resolve conflicts, controlling nature,
never admitting wrong etc.

What you come up with reflects your values and your dreams. Is your list realistic? If you have a long list of criteria
and tall demands, chances are no one will be able to match up to what you are seeking for. It is also unwise to
expect more than what you are willing to allow for changes in your life.

2. The principle of the “well”

Where are the possible places where you can find godly and desirable men and women? Interestingly, the Bible
reveals a common place where men found their spouses:

Genesis 24:11 He (Abraham’s servant) had the camels kneel down near the well outside the town; it was toward
evening, the time the women go out to draw water.

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Genesis 29:10 When Jacob saw Rachel daughter of Laban, his mother’s brother, and Laban’s sheep, he went over
and rolled the stone away from the mouth of the well and watered his uncle’s sheep.

Exodus 2:15, 16 & 21 … Moses fled from Pharoah and went to live in Midian, where he set down by a well. Now a
priest of Midian had seven daughters, and they come to draw water and fill the troughs to water their father’s
flock…Moses agree to stay with the man, who gave his daughter Zipporah to Moses in marriage.
Isaac, Jacob and Moses all found their spouses at wells. In the Old Testament, the WELL was the most common
place to meet one’s spouse.

Where’s the well in today’s world? The well is a place where people are refreshed, where you can find water and
where you can find rest. It was a place of rest for Jesus (John 4:6). Today’s “well” is the church! It is a place where
you get refreshed, find Living Water and rest in God. The best place to look for a future mate is in the church.

So pursue to grow in the Lord. As you serve the Lord at the “well”, your “Rebekahs”, “Rachels” and “Zipporahs”
might just come along. Your “Isaacs”, “Jacobs” and “Moses” might already be around you.

And while you are at the well, restfulness should be the state of your mind and heart. Don’t be desperate; be at
rest. The other party is easily turned off by desperateness. However, don’t take it to the extreme such that you
remain passive and allow opportunities to slip by. Do initiate (especially for men) and get to meet and know people.

A final thought – Adam was at rest when Eve came along! (Genesis 2:21-22). While you are waiting for God to
prepare you for future mate, be resting while you are waiting. Do not be anxious or worried. Enjoy the relationships
you have in church.

How To Keep Friendships Godly?

"The glory of friendship is not in the outstretched hand, nor the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it is in
the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when he discovers that someone else believes in him and is willing to
trust him." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Keeping your friendships godly may not be easy, but it is possible by setting boundaries ahead of time. Here are
some guidelines for biblically appropriate behaviour to help keep your relationships pure at every level of friendship:

- Keep your friendships inclusive, not exclusive

Group setting is encouraged over one-to-one meeting. If you are meeting alone, do so in public places. Be careful
to avoid dark places, confined places and places where two of you are alone. Be accountable to your
mentor/shepherd or other trusted leaders. Let others speak into your life about your friendships. Hebrews 10:25 Let
us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another – and all the
more as you see the Day approaching.

- Keep your friendships nonsexual

Physically treat the other person as you would a same-sex friend or a brother or sister. Extend respect and honour
to your friend. 1 Timothy 5:1-2 Do not rebuke an older man harshly, but exhort him as if he were your father. Treat
younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity.

- Keep your talk honouring to God

Be responsible in your communication. Flirtatious talk, uncommitted promises and flowery words can lead others
to think there is something more in the relationship than really exists. Ephesians 4:29 Do not let any unwholesome
talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may
benefit those who listen.

- Keep in mind your relational responsibilities.

Every time you feel attracted to someone, keep in mind that you are involved in three kinds of
relationships at any point in time:

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• Your relationship with the person you are interested in
• Your relationships with the people around you, including family and friends
• Your relationship with God, most importantly.

You have a responsibility towards each of these. Matthew 22:37-39 Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with
all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the
second is like it: ‘Love your neighbour as yourself.’ ”

Keep track of where you are on the friendship chart.

What is the level of your friendship (attraction, friendship, interest/exploration, courtship, engagement)? Be clear
where both of you are at. The move from interest/exploration is a big step; be sure that this is communicated and
understood by both parties. At the interest stage, you could be exploring with more than one party to discover his/her
interests. However, when you go into courtship, you are working with one party with engagement in mind. Proverbs
12:26 A righteous man is cautious in friendship, but the way of the wicked leads them astray.

Keep track of how much time you spend together.

The time and intensity of the relationship is the best indicator of the level of your relationship. If you are not ready
to commit to another level, watch that your words and actions do not run ahead of your commitment. Do you see a
man who speaks in haste? There is more hope for a fool than for him. Proverbs 29:20.

If you discover the need for new boundaries in any of your relationships, it may be wise to seek the counsel of a
trusted friend and discuss your evaluations with your mentor or accountability partner. Discovering red flags at the
beginning of your friendship will save you from future mistakes and heartaches.

Common Mistakes Singles Make

As singles relate with the opposite gender, it is easy to get carried away and make silly or grave mistakes. Mary S.
Whelchel identifies seven common pitfalls that ensnare single Christians. Here is a summary from her book
Common Mistakes Singles Make.

Mistake 1: We misinterpret the attentions of the opposite sex

As an outgrowth of the frustration and desperation sometimes experienced when we want to be married, many
singles overreact to any attention from someone of the opposite sex, especially if that someone is attractive to them.
If a man looks at us twice, we women can read all kinds of things into it.

If a woman happens to sit by a man at a social function, he thinks she’s sending him come-ons. This
misinterpretation of attentions is one of the major reasons it’s difficult for a single man and woman to have a platonic
relationship. Both are on their guard, worried about signals, instead of allowing that two people can actually have a
friendly conversation and enjoy each other’s company without a romantic attraction.

I also observe too often that many singles – yes, Christian singles – enjoy sending signals and then disowning
them. After all, it’s an ego trip to think that one or two people are “on your string,” hoping you’ll come their way
sooner or later, even if you’re not attracted to them. They disguise their manoeuvers (perhaps even to themselves)
by telling everyone, “We’re just friends.” They even say that to the other person right up front, laying the groundwork
for a quick exit when necessary, and then proceed to give attentions and signals that are truly misleading. Anyone
would misinterpret them. And they break not a few hearts in the process of feeding their egos.

Mistake 2: We put up with too much in a relationship and hang on too long

Do yourself a favor: Admit you have an emotional dependency you’re calling “love” – or even admit that you really
love the person if you think you do – but acknowledge that it’s a wrong relationship and get out.

How do you get out? By taking drastic steps. Jesus said, If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw
it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your

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right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for
your whole body to go into hell. Matthew 5:29-30.

If you’re in a relationship and you’re being treated with disrespect, thoughtlessness, or unkindness, that’s a good
sign you’ve hung on too long and put up with too much. If you’re hoping he or she will change, you don’t know too
much about human nature. The one thing that might make a person like this change is having to live with the
consequences of his or her behaviour – namely, losing the relationship. As long as he or she can get by with treating
you shabbily, there’s not likely to be much change in behaviour.

If you’re not happy with the treatment you’re receiving from a person before you marry, you can be sure the
treatment you would get after marriage would be much more of the same and worse.

Mistake 3: We’re not always very good at reading danger signals in a relationship

I often see single people in relationships that have poor choice written all over them, but somehow they never seem
to see the danger signals. The truth is, most of the time they just don’t want to see them.

Remember that when our emotions get involved in a situation, it’s very easy to lose perspective. Someone once
told me, “Emotions and feelings have zero IQ,” and I think that’s a good thing to remember. You cannot trust your
emotions. Those juices get flowing, those romantic notions start whirling around in your head, and you can lose
perspective in an instant.

Let’s list a few of the danger signals: Significant age difference. This will vary depending on individuals and
depending on the ages involved. I’m not saying that age difference is always a problem, but it certainly is one thing
you should consider carefully. Different family upbringing. It’s a fact that no two families are alike, but look at the
basics: Were both families Christian? What values were taught by the families? What kind of relationships
exist among the family members?

Some families are very close and some are not. Priority of spiritual life. If one person in the relationship puts a
higher priority on spiritual life than the other, it’s a real danger signal and should not be ignored. Usually when you
are involved with someone whose spiritual temperature is below your own, you don’t bring them up to your level,
you go down to theirs. I’ve seen it time and again.

Mistake 4: We get physically involved much too soon and go too far.

Here again we Christians have allowed the world system and philosophy to infiltrate our thinking about the physical
aspects of a relationship. Romans 12:1-2 says we are not to be conformed to this world, but transformed by a
renewed mind. The Phillips translation says, “Don’t let the world around you squeeze you into its own mold.” When
we become casual about having sex before marriage, we’ve been shoved into the world’s mold.

If you truly want to remain pure in your sexual life and keep yourself for the one person God has for you, or keep
yourself for Christ if you remain single, you most certainly can do that. There is nothing impossible about it.

However, in order to do that, you will need a discipline that I don’t see in many singles, a discipline to go the extra
mile in keeping the physical contact down to a minimum. You simply cannot trust the chemistry of your body. It is
very powerful, and once it gets going, finding the discipline to keep it under control is extremely difficult. So the
secret is to keep the electricity down to low levels by controlling the physical contact.

Mistake 5: We think that the only necessary requirement for a date or mate is that he or she
is a Christian.

I don’t believe that there is only one person in this whole world whom God intends for us to marry, and if we miss
that person, we’ve missed our perfect mate. (Of course, I don’t believe that it’s necessarily true that each of us is
intended by God to be married. But that’s another subject!) I think it’s possible to find more than one person with
whom you can be compatible and have a good lifelong relationship.

It’s very smart to put yourself though intensive soul-searching when you consider marrying someone. Keeping in
mind that your emotions are involved and therefore your perspective may be off center, ask for advice from trusted
people. Get them to play devil’s advocate and throw every question they can at you. Take every compatibility test

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you can find. Do all you can do to know what you’re getting into before you jump. You’ll never be totally prepared
for marriage, but it’s a good idea to try to find out before you walk down the aisle whether this match is likely to work
well.

Mistake 6: We carry our list of requirements for a relationship with us and judge others too quickly and
selfishly

I used to have a list of the things I wanted in a man. The list was divided into “Essential” and “Nonessential.” Now,
that’s not an altogether bad idea.

My “Essential” list now has one thing on it: “Must be someone who would enhance my walk with God and allow us
to have a more effective ministry together than we have separately.”

Isn’t it great that our God is big enough to deal with all our differences and idiosyncrasies? He isn’t looking for
cookie-cutter Christians, all of us looking and acting just alike in every way. We certainly all have the same biblical
principles to apply to our lives, but within those principles, there’s much room for individuality and personality. Amen
to that!

Many singles, however, seem to have a long list of requirements for their potential date or mate, and they’ve gotten
a bit carried away with it, probably as a reaction to the many failed marriages around us. It’s as though they’re
checking you out, making sure you meet their needs. They approach this area of their lives as they might approach
buying a car: What features do you have and what are the benefits of those features to me?

Having certain important guidelines in mind as we meet and date people is helpful in keeping us from making totally
emotional decisions. But checking people out for selfish reasons is going too far.

Mistake 7: We think that anything is better than being alone

While it’s true that we have basic needs for companionship, it’s not true that aloneness is the worst condition in the
whole world. Note that I said aloneness, not loneliness. There’s a big difference, you know.

Most people fear aloneness because to them it represents loneliness. They haven’t learned to fill their time so that
aloneness is valuable and refreshing for them. I have learned to love my aloneness, but it has not always been that
way. It has come as I’ve learned to enjoy the presence of God and stopped equating aloneness with loneliness.

Loneliness is a feeling, an attitude. We don’t get through this life without experiencing it to some degree. But to
settle for anything as a substitute for loneliness is a big mistake. There are worse things than loneliness, and by
God’s grace we do not have to be overcome and defeated by loneliness. He can take our aloneness and turn it into
beautiful, fruitful, productive time with Him.

Recognise that being alone doesn’t mean you’re a social misfit. Don’t buy into the lies of our enemy, who wants
you to feel desperate. When we feel desperate, we act in irrational and unprincipled ways. When we feel an
overpowering need to have someone near, we’ll settle for anything.

Also recognise your need for social interaction and plan good things. But you don’t have to have a date to have
company; reach out to others and share your time. Not with the idea that it’s second best – you’d rather have a date
but since you can’t you’ll be with friends – enjoy those people for who they are, and you’ll discover that the loneliness
goes away.

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SESSION 2:

Season of Exploration

Introduction

As you develop friendships, you may discover that you begin to have deeper interest in a particular person of the
opposite gender and you would like to know this person better. You are attracted to certain qualities of this person.
The best foundation for exploration is an attraction based on the person’s character and spiritual qualities.

You are personally responsible to explore this relationship. If you are asking the person out with the intention to
explore a romantic relationship, you are considered as intending to enter the Interest/Exploration stage with the
other person. Be mindful of the signals that you send to the other person through the invitation and through your
time together.

If you are more matured in age, and are spiritually and emotionally mature, you might move into this stage quite
quickly. You are likely self-aware of your strengths and shortcomings, and are ready to commit to a lifelong
relationship.

The guidelines to spiritual, emotional and physical dimensions below guide you on how to explore your relationship
within the biblical framework.

The second part of this chapter deals with the often-asked topic on how men and women differ. Knowing this will
save many headaches in understanding the “peculiar” behaviour of the other gender!

It follows with a set of questions that help you evaluate your compatibility. Again, you might not have answers to
most of them, but it identifies the areas to discover about each other as you progress in your friendship.

This chapter ends with an exercise that you can do with your friend to discover your love language.

Guidelines For Spiritual Commitment

- Assessing spiritual compatibility

“Successful marriage is always a triangle: a man, a woman, and God.” - Cecil Myers

If the person is a pre-believer, you should not even consider entering into a romantic relationship. This is clearly
instructed in 2 Corinthians 6:14. Do not deceive yourself that you can help “save” the other person. Usually when a
Christian marries a pre-believer, it is the Christian who gives way. Two laws determine this – the law of gravity and
the law of sin. As with law of gravity, it is easier to be pulled down than to be lifted up. The law of sin (and flesh)
makes it easier to fall into sin than to rise to righteousness. Therefore do not be fooled. Commit the person’s
salvation to prayer and relate with the person as a friend, not a mate potential.

If you are both believers, is there spiritual incompatibility? This is not measured in terms of leadership positions or
roles; rather it is the degree of spiritual maturity. An example of spiritual incompatibility: one person is growing
steadily in Christ whilst the other prefers to build his/her career and is disinterested in spiritual matters. The result
will be a hole in the centre of the couple’s life together. There will be emptiness in the segment of life and no
connection to the most important aspect of the relationship. It is torturous not to be able to share what is most
treasured in you with the person you hope to spend the rest of your life with.

The spiritual dimension affects all other areas of your life. You social life is impacted as the friendships and activities
may not be appreciated by another. Your intellectual growth in the spiritual realm takes on a slower journey as it
may be discouraged. You may both have different ideas of physical intimacy. Your children will grow up confused
with the different values they see in your lives. Your difference in values, priorities, goals and vision can be a
constant friction in your relationship. You have to decide if this is the relationship that God wants for you.

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- Building spiritual intimacy

When both of you have expressed mutual interest to go a step further to explore whether you are the one for each
other, an important area to grow into is spiritual intimacy. This does not mean overwhelming each other with spiritual
history or everything related to your spiritual life. Rather, it is sharing of spiritual matters. Share your understanding
about prayer, devotion, worship, stewardship, tithing, God’s will, outreach, God’s character, decision making,
spiritual gifts and the work of the Holy Spirit etc. Begin intimate spiritual talk related at the deepest level.

Discuss the possibility of marriage and the purpose and process of courtship as it relates to your love for God. What
are your views about courtship and marriage? Are they similar? What biblical principles do you hold about these
two topics?

- Getting spiritual covering

Both of you may have individually sought spiritual counselling with your shepherd or a leader. If you have not done
so, discuss the need for spiritual covering and accountability. Accountability is a blessing.

Guidelines For Emotional Commitment

- Communicating your intention for the relationship

The New BGR Framework contains this FAQ: “How do I initiate the Interest/Exploration stage with another person?
How do I express my interest in the other party without over-committing to the relationship?” The answer: “Typically,
a person can initiate the Interest/Exploration stage by asking the other party out, and also signal to the other party
the intent to explore BGR.” It goes on to explain that more teachings (which is this material) will be made available
to guide you along right biblical values, principles and practical steps.

The first step is to be honest with yourself – do you have romantic attraction for the person and do you want to build
deeper friendship to know the person better? What are your motives in pursuing this relationship? Does this person
meet the criteria you set? Has your friendship been healthy so far?

The next step is to process your relationship. Whilst you are interested, do you know the response of the other
party? Does the body language of the person show any sign of discomfort or strained verbal communication? Has
the person repeatedly ignored or rejected you (e.g. invitation to go out)? If the answer is “yes”, this person is likely
not interested in you. This may be hard to accept, but it is better to wait and find more opportunity to know the
person better rather than to take the plunge now. While you are deciding, remember that God is to be involved in
this whole process and also godly counsel and accountability is to be sought.

When you are sure, the next thing is to find the right timing to communicate how you feel to the person you are
attracted to. Traditionally, men are the ones who are expected to initiate the development of the relationship.
However, under the new framework, whoever feels a stronger need for such a relationship can take the initiative.
Do remember that each should bear the responsibility for own progress of the relationship.

Undertake this communication in the most loving, wise and unselfish way. Find a place and time which is conducive.
Be careful not to shock the person and expect an immediate answer. You have time to think through, but the other
party might not. Do not engage in emotional blackmail, scare tactics or manipulation. Build an atmosphere where
both of you are forthcoming to communicate verbally. Also, always allow the other person a gracious way out. It is
the loving thing to do. In this way, you have the security of knowing that your feelings are reciprocated freely and
the person is not being coerced into something he or she does not want.

Once you begin to communicate your feelings, continue to communicate. At every stage of the relationship, both
are to communicate verbally what they are thinking about the relationship, what you are committed to and find
opportunities to know each other. Men, you are encouraged to be the initiators. If you are shy or hesitant, learn to
overcome them and take small initial steps. Make sure you and your friend are on the same page regarding the
relationship. For example, your friend needs to know if you are also exploring a relationship with another party. Both
parties need to understand that they should not overly expect the other party to develop and commit his/her time,

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effort and finances during this stage of the relationship. This changes when you move into courtship as it becomes
developing relationship with only one person.

Be careful to never commit your emotions beyond the point where your friend has stated his or her emotions. If you
allow this to happen and you are unsure how the person feels, you are expecting more of this relationship than what
it really is. Rather, check that the other person matches you emotion for emotion, and if he/she does not, back off
and give the person time. Be prepared to see the relationship die. This is a much more loving thing to do than to let
it drift or worse still, end in a loveless marriage.

Practical Tips in a Nutshell

Be honest with yourself – ask yourself hard questions
Process your relationship – seek God and godly counsel Find the right timing
to communicate your feelings
Communicate in the most loving, wise and unselfish way
Continue to communicate
Never commit beyond what you intend to and what your partner has expressed

- Building emotional intimacy

When both of you have expressed mutual interest to go a step further into the relationship, you will naturally want
to share more of yourself. Share each other’s innermost thoughts, fears, failures, and hopes. Support each other in
times of crisis and pain; share times of joy. However, do limit one-on-one emotional interaction. Spend as much
time as possible together with other people. Let your relationship be accessible to others.

It is easy to get heady over the friendship and smother each other with attention and constant communication.
Respect the fact that each of you have a life apart from the other. You have other friendships and commitments.
Don’t depend on each other to cater to your emotional needs. Beware of splurging everything about yourself too
quickly. Time is the big test in any relationship. Commitment is demonstrated not just through depth of feeling, but
over the course of time, through ups and downs, changing seasons, mistakes, disappointments, joys and shared
experiences.

Proverbs 4:23 Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

Guidelines For Physical Commitment

Set appropriate boundaries at the beginning of the relationship. Keep your hands to yourself. Be careful not to
engage in anything that evokes intimacy or sexual desires.

As you understand that men and women are sexually and physically “wired” in different ways; you will learn to guard
your thoughts and behaviours against compromising each other physically. Below is an extract from the resource,
Essence of Love on Understanding Sexuality that will help you to better guard your physical commitment in
relationships.

God made us equal but different. We are meant to complement each other. Traditionally, men and women are
“wired” sexually in different ways:

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 Men Women
Crave physical intimacy Crave emotional intimacy
Physical-centered / body-centred Relational-centered
Give love to get sex Give sex to get love
Body can disconnect from mind, heart, and Body, mind, heart, and soul intricately
soul connected
Stimulate by what he sees Stimulate by what she hears
Sexual initiator Sexual responder
Pursuer and finds the pursuit stimulating Pursued and finds being pursued stimulating
Recurrent physical needs cycle Recurrent emotional needs cycle

However, in today’s society, the gender identity and sexual orientation are often blurred. Men think/act like women
and women think/act like men. For e.g. women also “give love to get sex” and women are increasingly seen as the
“sexual initiator”. Some men are found to exhibit more emotional and feminine attributes compared to their women
friends. There is a greater overlap of roles and behaviours between genders.

Bearing this in mind, it is good to recognise the sexual battles of most people. For the men, the battle primarily
begins with what captures his eyes. Stephen Arterburn, author of Every Man’s Battle advises men who is struggling
with sexual integrity to “bounce the eyes” away from viewing those things that bring sexual gratification. Job declares
in Job 31:1 I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a girl. For the women, the battle begins with what
they hear and feel. Women want to relate and connect emotionally; they need someone to satisfy their desires to
be loved, needed, valued and cherished.

A man must guard his eyes to maintain sexual integrity. A woman has to guard not only her body, but also her mind
and emotions. Most women are driven by emotional needs whilst most men need physical satisfaction. When
women give in to sexual intimacy, they are giving their all; whilst men could enjoy the act of sex without committing
his heart or bonding spiritually with the object of his physical desire.

Lust blurs and blends true masculinity and femininity. Man’s desires becomes “capturing”, “hunting” and “using”;
and woman resort to “seducing”, and “manipulating”. Man and woman are tempted by lust in two unique ways.

Man is being tempted by the lust of pleasure. It is:

Desiring for sensual and physical pleasure

Depicting women as just a sexual object (including pornography activity)
Fantasying their own physical pleasure (through masturbation)

Woman is tempted by the lust of power. It is:

Craving for passionate attention and emotional intimacy

Dressing or behaving sensually to arouse and control the other party (‘committing’ pornography)
Fantasying about a relationship with a man

For an example, a couple is travelling on the road and they pass by an advertisement of a woman in lingerie. What
do you think would be going on in the head of the man and woman? Very likely, the man is tempted toward sexual
pleasure. He may be sexually stimulated and wondering what it would be like to “sleep with the woman.” The woman
passenger, on the other hand, may be jealous of the billboard woman. She desires to be the sexy woman so that
she would appear attractive to man as she knows that is what man wants.

Knowing how man and woman are tempted helps us to help ourselves and each other. Below are some examples
of what we can do to protect ourselves and our brothers and sisters in Christ:

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 Men:

- Avoid saying or doing things that stir emotional longings (unless in a romantic relationship; and
even so, do so with integrity)Avoid indiscriminate touch
- Avoid pursuing or initiating advances (unless in a romantic relationship; and even so, do so with
integrity)
- Starve your eyes from sexually provocative materials (magazines, internet, ads etc.)
- Serve as brothers
- Extend genuine friendship

Women:

- Be aware of how your body can entice

- Dress and behave modestly
- Avoid over-reading gestures of kindness and brotherly love
- Guide your hearts – do not fall into emotional entanglements with opposite gender carelessly
Serve as sisters
- Extend genuine friendship

Understanding Gender Differences

These images depict a few of the many perceptions we hold of the other gender, some being true whilst others
often are not.

It was in God’s plan to make us different from each other from the moment He imagined us. The original plan was
to use these differences as a starting point for building intimate, fulfilling relationships. Unfortunately, what started
out as an advantage has turned out to be a universal source of frustration. Problems simply arise when we expect
or assume the opposite gender should think, feel or act the way we do. If we evaluate the opposite gender’s
behaviour according to our own standards and do not consider significant social and biological differences, we will
miss out meaningful conversations and relationships. It is not that men and women live in completely different
realities; rather, our lack of knowledge and mutual experience gives rise to our frustration.

The challenge facing men and women is to become aware of their identities, to accept their differences, and to live
their lives as fully and as effectively as possible. To do this we must first understand in what ways we are different.
We must avoid trying to change others to suit our needs.

The following illustrates some important differences between men and women. The differences in body responses
are already covered in the earlier section.

These differences are not absolute, only tendencies. They describe how men and women are in most situations
most of the time. Be careful not to stereotype every men and women you know. Also, society has changed manhood
and womanhood such that roles and functions interchange. As some of these changes contradict biblical
instructions, we must be wise to make right judgements.

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 MIND MIND

How Men Think How Women Think

• Men’s brains have relatively greater brain • Women’s brains have larger connections - more
hemisphere separation – this enhances cross talk between the brain’s left and right
abstract reasoning and visual-spatial hemispheres.
intelligence. • Women tend to be intuitive and consider multiple
• Men tend to focus on one information at a time sources of information within a process.
or a limited number of information at a time.
• Women’s thoughts, emotions, and convictions
• Men’s thoughts, emotions and convictions are
are connected - able to process more
compartmentalised – take one issue at a time;
information and keep track of more activities;
and more logical, analytical and rational.
therefore able to multitask.
• Men take linear or sequential perspective –
therefore see elements in a task as less • Women take broad or “collective” perspective –
interconnected and more independent. therefore see elements in a task as
interconnected and interdependent.
How Men Remember
How Women Remember
• Men tend to recall events using strategies that
rely on reconstructing the experience in terms • Women have an enhanced ability to recall
of elements, tasks or activities that took place. memories that have strong emotional
• Men find that profound experiences that are components.
associated with competition or physical • Women are very adept at recalling information,
activities are more easily recalled. events or experiences in which there is a
common emotional theme.
How Men Solve Problems
• Men tend to see solving a problem as an How Women Solve Problems
opportunity to demonstrate their competence, • Women tend to see sharing and discussing a
their strength of resolve, and their commitment problem as an opportunity to explore, deepen or
to a relationship. strengthen the relationship with the person they
• Men are not concerned with how a problem is are talking with.
•
solved as much as solving it effectively and in Women are usually more concerned about how
the best possible manner. problems are solved than merely solving the
• Men tend to focus on one problem at a time or problem itself.
a limited number of problems at a time. • Women come to understand and consider
• Men have an enhanced ability to separate problems all at once.
themselves from problems and minimise the
emotional complexity that may exist. • Women are prone to become overwhelmed with
complexities that may exist, and may have
difficulty separating their personal emotion from
SOUL problems.
• Men connect less emotionally than women.
• Men do not attach emotions to events in life. SOUL
• Men are not driven to connect. • Women connect emotionally.
• Men find difficulty making friends. • Women tie thoughts and memory to emotions.
• Men long for success. • Women are driven to connect.
• Women find it easier to make friends.
SPIRITUAL EXPERIENCE • Women long for security.
• Men understand their spiritual experiences
more by intellect and principles.
• Men generally learn and experience on a less SPIRITUAL EXPERIENCE
personal level than women. • Women are led more by emotions.
• Women are more concerned about the well-
being of the members and the spiritual
motivation of those they care about.

Solving some of the “mystery” ….

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Knowledge of the above helps us to better understand, appreciate and relate with each other. What are the new
insights you have now? Here are some practical steps on how we can better communicate and understand each
other.

What men can do for women:

- Appreciate the emotional and interpersonal insights of women in problem-solving and

understanding issues.
- Avoid assuming women are bringing up a problem that needs to be resolved when they start
communicating (men tend to adopt the “fix’it” mechanism.)
- Be more patient and observant when communicating with women (as men often get distracted
and do not attend well to the quality of the relationship.
- Understand the reason why women have so many friends and need to connect with them.
- Assure women with words and actions that they can be secure with you (women want to feel
safe in all areas of their lives.)
- Show interest and encourage them to share with you how they feel about their spiritual
experiences, God, people and ministry.
- Demonstrate empathy and be understanding when they express certain emotions that have
been affecting them.
- Do not assume they are just being ‘emotional’.

What women can do for men:

- Appreciate the logical and analytical perspectives of men in problem-solving and

understanding issues.
- Avoid asking them to share in detail their day/events/happenings etc. (men find it hard to
communicate experiences to others, even when they bear significant meaning.) Share one
event/problem at a time and allow them time to listen and process.
- Avoid the urge to be “historical” when involved in quarrels or arguments (as women create
emotional attachments to their past and therefore have better memories than men.) Identify
your emotions and be able to separate it from the problems.
- Understand the reason why men have few friends and do not desire to connect unless
necessary.
- Be supportive and affirm men for doing well in their role and responsibility (men are productivity
driven.)
- Get books or go for courses to encourage relational and spiritual growth.
- Be understanding when at times they may find it hard to answer the ‘how do you feel about
…?’ kind of questions. It might be easier for them to answer ‘what do you think about…?’ kind
of questions.
- Do not assume they are just indifferent or nonchalant when they communicate in few words.

Discovery Through Asking

The difficult thing about assessing a relationship is knowing which questions to ask and how to evaluate the
answers. The next section offers these questions. This section gives you the handle on how to ask those questions.

Think about this case scenario:

I knew Beng had a problem with his temper, but I figured he would settle down. Whenever he was upset, irritated
or did not get his way, he would not hesitate to show it. Initially, the anger was always directed at others and never
at Ling.

It was like everyone around them knew about Beng’s difficulty in controlling and managing his anger. They warned
Ling, and suggested that Beng better sort this out first, and for Ling to see that the anger will eventually be directed
at her. She was so in love, and hopeful that he will change after marriage, and convinced herself that she had a
“calming” effect on him.

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Sadly, Ling found herself caught in an abusive, violent marriage when Beng soon directed his
frustrations after a hard day at work, towards Ling.

Take time to really see the person, and not be blinded by the niceness, and be unwilling to see the deeper issues.

The goal of asking questions is not to see if you both pass the test. Your first and major purpose is to improve your
relationship by discussing what is important to both of you. Tell each other what drives you up the wall and be
honest enough to acknowledge potential trouble spots.

Practice the art of healthy dialogue before marriage and you’ll find it easier after marriage. Openness, disclosure
and sharing are difficult for some, so you need to learn to express yourselves as early as possible. Don’t wait until
after you are engaged or married to discover that something is unsolvable. There is little likelihood that you will
change much after you marry. Meaningful adjustments are more apt to occur while still trying to win and impress
each other. If there is no change, watch out.

Sometimes we may be fearful to know someone better. Every person is worth knowing; your initial positive instincts
are usually verified when you get to know a person better. Likewise, you have little to fear by allowing yourself to
be made known, by letting out your real feelings. Most of us are treasure chests with more jewels inside than we
realise.

Everyone wants to marry someone who looks good. That is the major interest of most young couples. But beneath
the appearance must be character that won’t fall apart under every little pressure. The point of meaningful questions
is to test the strength of character.
How can you each get the other to unlock the box and reveal what’s inside? This might not be easy. If one of you
starts digging for what’s at the bottom instead of first examining items on top, the other might clam up. If one gets
too nosey, the other might crawl into a corner, and never come out. You need to find loving ways to allow each
other the freedom to express thoughts, feelings and convictions in a comfortable setting.

For example, we all know someone who never has a private thought. They will be the ones that “say what they
think, and don’t like being around people who don’t say what they think”. Imagine this person demands that his
girlfriend reveal everything on her mind. Whenever his girlfriend wanted to keep her thoughts to herself or simply
think over something for a while, he would interrogate her like a detective! To protect herself she gradually said less
and less, and her reserve grew deeper and deeper.

People are so complex, and we will never know someone through and through. There will be things that are
unfathomable and each day is like a discovery of something new about the other.

This sense of discovery also reduces the aspect of predictability and making assumptions. We are dynamic beings,
and seasons in life will also affect us and reveal the innermost of our beings.

Here are sample questions that discourage and encourage meaningful interactions. Questions that encourage
conversation and self-disclosure encourage free expression. They also demonstrate respect. Their tone suggests
acceptance and willingness to listen.

Avoid these type of questions

Accusing You can’t communicate with women, can you?

Quizzing How much money did you pay for your car?

Too narrow Do you like foreigners?

Too wide Tell me about yourself

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Close ended What political party do you like?

Boxed in I hate football, don’t you?

Questions that encourage interactions

Open ended What sports do you enjoy?

Opinion centered
What kind of church service do you appreciate?
Personal without probing

Sharing What do you find most satisfying about your job?

Releasing
I enjoy jazz, what kind of music do you like?
Intimate

Reflective Have you ever thought about where you would like to live?

What do you like most about your parents?

How would you like to improve your job?

If one person does all the talking in your relationship, something is wrong. Caring people want to hear the opinions
of those they love, and people who feel genuine love and acceptance are not afraid to express their opinions. Both
must learn to talk and listen, or neither will achieve understanding and intimacy.

“We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person
perfectly.” - Sam
Keen, from To Love and Be Loved

Summing Up

Bear in mind that this checklist is not to be used as an interrogation tool with your friend. It is to help you understand
yourself and each other better; and to lead you to make wise and informed decisions. You need not get a satisfactory
answer to all your questions.

Your answers will also reflect your cultural background. For example, most Indonesians will consider the other
person’s family background and status as important considerations for marriage. Most Indonesian families desire
their children to marry someone with similar economic and family status and background.

As you explore your relationship with each other and discover the answers to these questions, what would be the
steps to take in terms of this relationship? If you are uncertain whether this is the relationship that God is directing
you to, don’t rush further into it. Take time to seek Him, godly counsel and talk to your friend. It is not a failure if you
both decide to put a stop to this relationship. You can break up without falling apart. If you have conducted
yourselves appropriately and biblically toward each other, you are free of any guilt and regrets. This is a step toward
maturity.

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If you find that you are enjoying the relationship and you are comfortable with the answers and discovery that you
are making, continue to explore this relationship in a biblical manner.

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APPENDIX

What is your love language?

As you build friendships, it is good to know what your love language is and also the love language
of your friend. Love here does not mean only romantic love, but love in an agape unconditional
sense.

People express and receive love in different ways. We each have a way that we like to have love
shown to us, and it is usually the way we are especially good at showing love to other people. Dr
Gary Chapman identifies these as the five languages of love. If you express love in a way other
people don’t understand, they won’t realise you’ve expressed your love at all. It would be like
speaking two different languages.

Most of us major in showing our love in just one particular love language. It is good to consciously
show love in all five love languages.

How to use the Five Love Languages Profile

This profile is best used with the book The Five Love Languages. The profiling system, developed
by Jim Toole in cooperation with Gary Chapman, will assist you in discovering your primary love
language. For those who know their primary love language, the profile will serve as confirmation.
For others, the profile will bring clarification.

When reading the profile statements, you’ll see words like “special person” and “loved ones”. When
you think of love and love languages, your immediate thought may be of a romantic relationship.
However you express love and affection in a variety of contexts and relationships. As you work
through the profile, think of a significant person with whom you are close: a boyfriend or girlfriend,
a good friend, a parent, a colleague etc.

The format is simple. Read the 30 pairs of statement and choose the ones that better reflect your
preference.

You may enjoy both expressions of love, but if you could have only one, which would you choose?
After you have made your choice, circle X at the end of the statement. Be sure to circle only one X
for each set of statements.

Take the profile when you are relaxed and not pressed for time. When you finish the profile, total
each column vertically. After you have made your selections, go back and count the number of times
you chose each letter. List the results in the appropriate spaces at the end of the profile.

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For Reflection And Review

- What are the common difficulties you encounter when relating with the opposite gender? What
new insights have you discovered that you can help you in this area?

- If you are exploring a relationship, how are you both doing in the area of spiritual, emotional
and physical commitment? What are the areas you need to work on/be aware/restrain from
more?

- What are some practical things you can do to help you communicate better with the person
whom you are exploring the relationship with?

- What are some values, beliefs, character qualities and attitudes that you hold on to? Would
you compromise them if someone with differences in those areas approaches you to pursue
a relationship? Or maybe you are thinking of initiating with someone who has such differing
views. Would you go ahead to approach the person? (Often the pressure of age, desire for
companionship, loneliness etc. causes someone to compromise their beliefs)

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 SESSION 3

Seasons of Courtship

Introduction

Courtship is like a kite with a string. Romantic love is the kite that catches the wind and tenaciously
heads for the sky. Wisdom is the string that tugs downward, holding it back. The tension is real, but
healthy.

At this stage, both of you are set to explore if your relationship is going to be the lifelong one that God intends for
you both. You have built a healthy friendship and along the way have developed feelings for each other. You want
to grow further in friendship, get to know each other’s character, and to see how to interact as a couple. It is not a
form of pre-engagement; but rather a time to consider the possibility of marriage and to seek to make a wise
choice about this very important area of your life. It is a time for both of you to get to know each other without
outside pressure or overly high expectations. The only pressure you should feel is to begin your courtship with the
good pressure of God’s Word to honour Him and to treat each other with purity and integrity.

However, before you move on, ask yourself….

Are you ready for courtship?

In the previous chapter, we listed a series of Questions to Ask for you to consider regarding your relationship. You
might not have answers to all of them but they can help you in deciding whether it is the right time to consider
marriage.

You would note that the following are listed as Essentials under Questions to Ask:
• Goal
• Vision
• Beliefs
• Values
• Character Qualities

In his book Fit To Be Tied, Bill Hybels openly shared that the tumultuous times in his early days of his marriage
was the result of not working through personal issues in their life before they entered into courtship and marriage.
However, no matter what problems and crisis they went through, they know they need to make the marriage work
– divorce was never the solution. Later on, they realised that what saved their marriage was that though they
were miles apart in personality, family upbringing, pattern of communication etc., they had similar strong passion
for God and His Kingdom; they held similar biblical values; and they were willing to let their character be refined
by God and by each other.

The investment in building your character should never be neglected. Rather, we allow the challenges in life to
mould, strengthen and sharpen us. The ability to ride out and navigate through the storms of life also strengthen
our faith and trust in God. Learn to observe how each other handles pressure at work, difficult people around us
and how everyday issues affect our moods. Learn to see and recognise the character strengths and flaws
objectively with our eyes wide open.

A good exercise is to objectively see yourself and each other by asking these 2 questions:
1. What character strengths are you most pleased with in yourself? After you’ve each chosen, discuss
why each of you chose as you did.

30
2. What character weakness would you most like to improve in yourself? After you’ve chosen one,
discuss ways you can help each other improve.

Choosing a marriage partner requires that we focus on the essentials of a person’s character and attitude. If you
have doubts about the character, spiritual walk, emotional stability or other important aspects of your friend’s life,
work through those uncertainties first before taking another step. Do those areas go against biblical principles?
Can you live with those qualities that you see in your life partner? Would they be a constant friction to your
relationship? At the same time, maintain a humble attitude of self-examination. You need to not only concentrate
on finding the right person but, more important, work on becoming the right person yourself.

Remember what the Bible teaches:

Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart 1 Samuel 16:7
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting… Proverbs 31:30

How do you evaluate someone’s character?

Character

“Character is who you are when no one is looking.” Bill Hybels

We define a person’s true character not by the image the person wishes to convey or the reputation he or she
hides behind but by the choices and decisions the person has made and makes each day. It takes real wisdom to
observe a person’s character (see Proverbs 2).

“Little things will illustrate a person’s character” – Samuel Smiles.

As we evaluate someone’s character and our own, we need to carefully observe three areas.

1. How a person relates to God

2. How a person relates to others

• Authorities
• Parents
• The Opposite Sex
• Companions

3. Personal discipline
• How a person uses time
• How a person handles money
• How a person takes care of the body i.e. dressing, eating habits, health

Attitude
Attitude is a person’s vantage point, the way the person looks at and reacts to life.
For the Christian, this involves more than mere positive thinking. A godly attitude involves God-centered,
Bible-based thinking – working to view ourselves, others and our circumstances from God’s perspective.

Following are a few key ways that godly attitudes are expressed:

-An attitude of willing obedience to God

-An attitude of humility
-An attitude of diligence

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-An attitude of contentment and hopefulness
-An attitude of gratitude

You will never find the perfect spouse. Benjamin Franklin said: “Keep your eyes wide open before marriage – half
shut afterward.” Marriage requires faith in God’s provision and a willingness to forgive imperfections – the mercy
needed to keep our eyes “half-shut” to the flaws.

It seems like getting married is like jumping off a cliff. Marriage will always be a step of faith. Not a blind leap, but
a step just beyond what we can see for certain. We cannot trust ourselves and we cannot completely know the
person we decide to marry, but we can trust God to guide us in our decisions and help us follow through with our
commitments.

As you do the Questions to Ask, you might find that you are quite different from each other. It is often said
“opposites attract”, but we know “opposites attack” too. What delights and attracts you now about the other
person can become unbearable later. If you are both very different, learn to complement one another.

How long and well do you know each other? Though it is true that a long friendship does not mean that you know
each other well, too short a timeframe might also mean it’s better to give more time to develop the friendship.
Take time to check out your ideals with the characteristics of the person you are getting to know. It is only too
easy to “fill in the gaps” with the ideals. When you do this, you take the risk of assuming the person has certain
qualities which may not be true. The key is to look for patterns, the consistencies in their lives.

Be wary if your reasons for getting into this relationship are driven by selfish motives or pressure from others
rather than God’s leading. God is interested in our journey (process of making such a decision), rather than the
destination (marriage). God is in no rush. His interest in all this is not limited to getting us married – He wants to
use this process, and all the questions and uncertainties it involves, to refine us, mould us, sanctify us, and
increase our faith.

Guidelines For Spiritual Commitment

Look at the chart. At this stage, you begin the process of becoming one spiritually and spending time together to
build each other up. You also need to look at accountability if you have not done so. What do these mean?

- Becoming one spiritually

Don Rannikar in his book, Choosing God’s Best, makes this profound principle: “develop your spiritual oneness
as a couple during your courtship period, your emotional oneness during engagement, and your physical oneness
during marriage.”

This is an important principle and distinction that marks godly marriage. The spiritual dimension is something that
is addressed from the beginning of the friendship and takes on a greater depth at this level. It is a time when the
couple (and also the accountability person) works through doubts or uncertainties as to whether this is the
relationship that God desires for the couple. Discussing spiritual matters through prayer, Bible study, fasting,
ministry, missions work, church involvement, and service opportunities is an excellent way to building firm
foundation for marriage. Commit your courtship to glorifying Christ and help each other to grow in Christ. It would
be good for men to set the spiritual pace. This helps to prepare men as they become spiritual leaders of
marriages and families.

Through times of decision making, crisis, good times and tough times; you’d be able to know each other’s faith in
God. Share with each other what God is teaching you as an individual, what you are praying about and where
God is leading both of you as a couple. Evaluate your goals and visions in the light of God’s word and what He
has revealed to you both. Encourage and spur each other to grow spiritually.

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 In this process, be careful not to try to take God’s place in each other’s lives. If you find yourself looking to each
other constantly for encouragement, comfort and courage, something is not right. God is your source of life, not
man.

Oswald Chambers: “No love of the natural heart is safe unless the human heart has been satisfied
by God
first.”

Spiritual oneness begins during courtship and carries on throughout the marriage. Even though each other is
growing in the Lord, it is important to grow together in the Lord. Give priority to planning spiritual activities together
beginning in the courtship stage and carry them throughout the marriage.

- Being accountable

The New BGR Framework puts forth the understanding that couples at this stage of relationship need to account
to the godly counsel over their relationships. Proverbs 15:22 Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers
they succeed.

Accountability for romantic relationships is a biblical concept. When Isaac took Rebekah for his wife (Genesis 24),
he was not the only one involved in the selection process. Both a trusted servant and a wise father, Abraham,
played an important part in the process of bringing them together. In biblical times, a son’s wife was usually
chosen by the parents. Unlike those times, most of us won’t have our parents choosing our mate. However, the
principle of accountability remains. If we have parents who follow biblical principles, they would naturally be our
guide in such an important area of our lives. Additionally, within the church family, we would also seek someone
or a couple to guide us. It is good to have godly and objective perspective on our relationship.

Accountability means being willing to have others hold you answerable and accountable for your actions. It could
be your Christian parents, shepherd, an accountability couple within your ministry group or the Relationship
Counsel Team. Accountability provides reality checks, protection, correction and direction.

It would be ideal if such accountability takes place even from the beginning of your friendship with the person.
Your accountability partner or couple can better provide counsel and covering for the spiritual, emotional and
physical progress of your relationship. Some practical aspects of accountability include:

• Initiating opportunities for the accountability person/couple to spend time with both of you
• Accounting to them over the areas of commitment level, spiritual involvement, emotional
involvement and physical involvement at your stage of courtship
• Allowing them to ask you some hard questions about your relationships (found in this resource)

- Sharing spiritual history

One way to develop both your relationship and your spiritual intimacy is to share the history of your spiritual life.
Many couples know where the other person is currently, but very little of their spiritual journey. Here are some
questions you can discuss together to discover how your faith compares with each other:

• What are your family’s beliefs?

• What is your definition of being “spiritually alive”?
• Where did you first learn about God? About Jesus? About the Holy Spirit? At what age?
• Describe your conversion experience. Where and when was it? Who was involved?
• How was your baptism?
• Who are three persons who influenced you most in your spiritual journey? In what way?

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• Do you memorise Scriptures when you were spiritually younger? What were your favourite ones?
Do you remember them now? Do you memorise Scriptures currently?
• If you could ask God any questions now, what would they be?
• What approach to spirituality would have helped you more when you were growing up?
• What has God taught you in the following situations in your life: failure, pain, waiting, not having
enough money, facing disappointment, and facing criticism?
• What has been the greatest spiritual experience of your life?
• How was your spiritual journey over the past few years, including high and low points?
• What are some of your answered prayers?
• What are some of your unanswered prayers that you are trusting God for now?
• What Christian books have you read in the last three years?
• Describe your devotional life at the present time.
• If you could ask Jesus to change an area of your life, which area would it be, and how would you
like it changed? How long has this been a concern?

Guidelines For Emotional Commitment

- Increasing one-on-one emotional time together

It is easy to be overly emotionally involved with one another as you spend more time together.
In a God-glorifying and wisdom-guided courtship, there are two imperatives:

• Treat each other with holiness, respect, honour and sincerity

• Make an informed and wise decision about marriage

As you grow closer to discover each other’s character, guard your hearts as the outcome of the relationship is still
unknown. Not all courtships end in marriage; some couples decide not to continue after they learn more about
each other. Your goal is not the end result of marriage – your goal is to submit this relationship to God and let Him
and your trusted friends wisely guide you. As you treat each other with integrity, it would allow you to look back on
your courtship without regret, no matter the outcome. Like Paul, we are encouraged to conduct our relations …in
the holiness and sincerity that are from God. 2 Corinthians 1:12.

- Building deeper friendship

As you further develop this friendship, set appropriate pace, focus and space. Set an unhurried pace – you don’t
need to get to know all about your friend in few months (and you can’t anyway!). Don’t rush or force your way into
each other’s lives. The focus of your courtship is to get to know each other better, not on creating premature
physical intimacy or emotional dependency. There are many ways to build this - through hobbies, family events,
ministry, working on projects etc. The amount of space your friendship occupies in your life will grow over time.
However be careful that you do not become exclusive and neglect your web of relationships. Be faithful to your
current friendships and responsibilities.

- Building romance

Growing in romance should take place only when spiritual intimacy, friendship and meaningful communication are
deepening. The essence of pure romance is pursuit and wooing – a man showing through his words and
appropriate actions his care, affection and sincere love for a woman and the woman responding in kind. It
resembles a picture of Christ wooing His bride.

While romance is not the first priority in courtship, it is still important. We are created to love and be loved; and
when God confirms the wisdom and rightness of this relationship, such feelings are a good thing and a gift from

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God. Your goal during courtship is not to stifle your feelings of affection and love, but to express them wisely and
in accordance with God’s direction.

Men have the privilege to be the initiators of romantic expressions in courtships. When you know you want to
marry a girl, begin to actively seek to win her heart. You need not be flashy and extravagant; instead words and
acts that remind the woman that you remember them are the most romantic things a man can do.

Communicate genuine affection (Romans 12:10, NLT). The important guideline is not to express or promise more
commitment than you are ready for. You do women a great disservice by first pursuing romance before you ready
to commit, and then by hesitating when you should commit.

Song of Songs 8:4 reminds: do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires. Tell the truth about the relationship.
For example, until you (men) are ready to propose, steer away from talking about “the future”. When you are
confident about this relationship leading to marriage, begin actively to seek to win her heart. God-honouring
wooing is neither licentious nor manipulative. It is pure, sincere, and backed by a desire for a lifelong commitment.

Women, it's appropriate for you to respond to the guy's increased romance. Your goal should be to match but not
outpace him. Guard yourself not to comply entirely.

Guidelines For Physical Commitment

Throughout your God-honouring relationship, set clear guidelines for physical affection. Resolve to be sexually
pure and to guard each other’s purity.

The kissing, touching and caressing that take place in today’s dating relationships often lead to confusion and
compromise. Such behaviour is often based on selfishness and awakens desires that you can rightfully satisfy
only in marriage. Physical intimacy is meaningless apart from the commitment and purity of marriage. The truth is
that wherever physical progression begins, depth progression of the relationship ends.

Make a commitment to God, parents, leaders, shepherds and your partner to let your passion sleep, storing up
your desire for the marriage bed. It will awaken with joy at the proper time. Principled romance is purposeful in its
pursuit of marriage, protected in its avoidance of sexual temptation, and accountable to parents and other
Christians.

This kind of commitment involves avoiding settings given to temptation. This does not mean you can never have
privacy. But two people can have privacy and time alone without completely isolating themselves from parents
and friends. Carefully plan your time together but avoid a sensual focus and atmosphere. Let someone know
where you will be and when you will be home.

“Until you’re married, do not treat each other as if your bodies belong to each other.”- Elizabeth Elliot

When Paul addresses sexual immorality in 1 Corinthians 6:16-17, he brings forth a profound understanding that
sexual intercourse is likened to the intimacy of spiritual worship. Do you not know that he who unites himself with
a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, “The two will become one flesh.” But he who unites himself with
the Lord is one with him in spirit. Therefore sexual intimacy before marriage is like spiritual idolatry.

As you desire to honour God with your bodies, seek to lay down physical boundaries for your relationship from the
onset. We use the twelve steps of physical intimacy introduced by Dr Desmond Morris to offer guidance for the
levels of intimacy for each stage of relationship. Think of these as twelve steps as progressing up a ladder. In
order to create clearer boundaries for our physical intimacy, we further divide the twelve steps to three zones: the
green, amber and red zone.

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 Green zone – normal healthy physical expressions found in all relationships (for all stages)
Amber zone – intimate behaviours that can become sexual and too intrusive (might be present in
engagement or courtship but have to exercise great caution)
Red zone – sexual expressions that are a no-no outside of marriage (not for any stage here)

Genital to Genital
Hand to Genital
Mouth to Breast Red
Hand to Body Zone
Hand to Head
Face to Face
Arm to Waist Amber
Arm to Shoulder
Zone
Hand to Hand
Voice to Voice
Eye to Eye Green
Zone
Eye to body

Green zone:

In all stages of romantic relationships, from attraction to friendship to interest/exploration to courtship and
engagement stages, there will always be a very natural desire and curiosity to experiment with our physical
desires. We strongly recommend that throughout the stages, your relationships remain within this green zone.
Keep your physical desires under clear boundaries so that you will not arouse natural desires prematurely.

Affectionate gestures for example, a pat on the back or common greetings are non-intrusive friendly gesture
amongst close friends. Holding of hands is usually reserved to those from interest/exploration stage onwards.

Eye to Body. The glance takes in the other person’s characteristics such as sex, size, shape, age, personality,
colouring, dress style and status. Often this is just one person noticing another. It might not be mutual. The
importance people place on these criteria determines whether or not they will be attracted to one another.

Eye to Eye. When the man and woman who are strangers to each other exchange glances, their most natural
reaction is to look away, usually with embarrassment. If their eyes meet again, they may smile, which signals that
they might like to become better acquainted.

Voice to Voice. Their initial conversations are trivial and include questions like "What is your name?" or "What do
you do for a living?" During this long stage the two people learn much about each other's opinions, pastimes,
activities, habits, hobbies, likes and dislikes. If they're compatible, they become friends.

Hand to Hand. The first instance of physical contact between the couple is usually a nonromantic occasion such
as when the man helps the woman descend a high step or aids her across an obstacle. At this point either of the
individuals can withdraw from the relationship without rejecting the other. However, if continued, hand-to-hand
contact will eventually become an evidence of the couple's romantic attachment to each other. Taking the other
person’s hand is making a statement – a pronouncement, as it were, that something is developing.

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Amber zone:

Amber is an internationally recognised colour or warning of danger ahead. Hence the next four stages in the
amber zone are precursors to moving onto erogenous areas in our bodies, and further arousing our sexual
appetite.

This zone is a no-no for those in attraction and friendship levels. Some couples in the courtship and engaged
stages might want to express themselves more by warm embrace (arm to shoulder). Be careful that your hands
are not exploring, wandering and touching each other lingeringly in that embrace. Caressing and kissing arouses
sexual desires, and they are dangerous intimate encounters. A question to ask ourselves is “Would God be
smiling and pleased with the way we conduct ourselves physically?”

Couples at this stage should discuss and agree on clear physical boundaries and how they should conduct
themselves both in public and private. Purity is a spiritual discipline, and you need to guard this aspect
consciously.

Discuss with your shepherds or Relationship Counsel Team your struggles in this area of sexual desires, and
never allow Satan to have a foothold (or toe hold) in this precious area of your lives. Be honest about what stirs
and provokes your sexual desires, and keep yourself accountable to someone else to help you pray and guard
your heart. Watch your media and music intake and recognise how your sexual appetite is fed through what you
watch with your eyes and hear with your ears.

Arm to Shoulder. This affectionate embrace is generally noncommittal. It is usually a "buddy" type position in
which the man and woman are side by side. The hand-to-shoulder contact reveals a relationship that is more than
a close friendship, but probably not real love. It can also be the beginning of closer intimacy expressed in warm
embrace.

Arm to Waist. Because this is something two people of the same sex would not ordinarily do, it is clearly romantic.
They are close enough to be sharing secrets or intimate language with each other. Yet, as they walk side by side
with hand to waist, they are still facing forward.

Face to Face. This level of contact involves gazing into one another's eyes, hugging and kissing. If none of the
previous steps were skipped, the man and woman will have developed a special code from experience that
enables them to engage in deep communication with very few words. The new focus of attention as well as
tension in the relationship is sexual desire.

Hand to Head. This is an extension of the previous stage. The man and woman tend to cradle or stroke each
other's head while kissing or talking. Rarely do individuals in our culture touch the head of another person unless
they are either romantically involved or are family members. It is a designation of emotional closeness.

Red zone:

Needless to say, red means stop! And we pray that none of our couples find themselves in this position where the
warnings have been ignored, and are engaging in sexual intercourse. If you have reached to this stage, come
clean before God and your accountability partner. Make a decision to remain sexually pure and to abstain from
any physical intimacy. Ask each other for forgiveness for violating the purity of your partner. Make a prayer and
fresh commitment to remain sexually pure until your wedding day.

9-12. The Final Steps. The last four steps of physical intimacy are distinctly sexual and private. Such “petting”
behaviours would often lead to intercourse. They should only be confined to within the realms of marriage.

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For those who are truly committed to pleasing God and loving others sincerely, this pattern can bring the much-
needed renewal of purity, boldness and true romance. This progression can move us toward a safer, wiser
approach to marriage. God loves us, and has reserved this gift of sexual intimacy for within our marriages.

Marriage Preparation Course

Many couples will also be excited about the prospect of marriage and keen to make a public confession of their
relationship. We encourage courting couples not to stay in courtship too long as temptations for closer intimacy
are very real. The normal time span is two years. The excitement in preparing for the wedding day is only a
glimpse of the realities of a lifelong commitment.

Marriage preparation courses are designed to strengthen and also shake the foundation of your relationship. It will
be a time when we really need to ask ourselves the hard questions, and to settle the many questions we have
about our relationship.

Most courses will cover the basic foundational principles pertaining to marital relationships and it is only the
beginning of learning to live as husband and wife.

Marriage is a lifelong commitment, and as believers, we know what God says about divorce. Divorce should never
be an option for Christ believers. Marital relationships can be complicated as there are often many parties
involved and couples need to be mature in dealing with these complications.

When a romantic relationship does go awry, the emotional support needed by both individuals is tremendous. The
shepherds, leaders, friends, family and accountability friends should all be involved in helping them deal and bring
healing to the emotions and unanswered questions. Both the initiator of the break-up and the recipient will have a
different set of emotions to deal with.

The healing process differs depending on whether the decision for a mutual break up is permanent or for a
season. A season of “space and time” will also need guidance from those around them, and to deal with the
issues that led to the needed space.

Moving Away And On

If you are having doubts about this relationship, don’t be afraid to admit it. You are under no obligation to marry. A
successful courtship is one in which both parties treat each other with holiness and sincerity and make a wise
choice about marriage – whether the answer is yes or no. There should be no stigma placed on courting couples
who separated.

Should you consider marriage as not the right thing to do, the courtship should end. Do not drag this as it would
be an unspoken statement to your friend that you are both still heading for marriage. If either party loses the
confidence in marriage, he or she owes it to the other person to stop the courtship. It takes faith and courage to
take the step.

How can you communicate break-up in a biblical manner? There is no standard formula – what is advised here is
drawn from biblical principles.
First, make sure you seek God, and share with trusted friends and accountability persons who can help you
process your feelings. You have to make the decision yourself – but allow them to ask you tough questions, listen
to your concerns and help you to look into the relationship with clear lenses. Make sure your motives are right;
that it is not selfish, revengeful or hurtful.

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Find the right opportunity and time to communicate with your friend. Don’t go to noisy places. Find somewhere
public which also gives you both some privacy. Communicate your thoughts and feelings lovingly, sensitivity and
truthfully to your friend. Ask God for the right words. Avoid the “you” words and absolute ones like “always”,
“never” and “should”. Instead, claim responsibility on your part. Use “I” and feeling words. E.g. “I was wrong to
….”, “I was upset ….”; instead of “You are always ….”. Be truthful on the reasons for the break-up. Even though it
may be painful for either one of you to hear, it is better to speak it forth – wisely and tactfully. It can also be a self
discovery for you both. Seek forgiveness for the hurts caused.

Be clear about the status of your relationship. If the courtship is over, do make sure the other person does not
misunderstand it that it is a temporary stop. You can assure each other that you are both friends. The hurting
party might not be so ready to be friends; don’t pressurise. If it is appropriate, seek to be friends again at another
later time. Both parties should allow close and trusted friends to come alongside to help through this time of loss.
You would take time to grieve. You might also be angry and bitter. Be careful not to let anger fester and bitterness
grow (Hebrews 12:15). Go before God to confess and forgive the people who hurt you. It is also common to
experience guilt and regrets in such circumstances. Be objective about the mistakes you made – not everything is
your fault or his fault. Remember God heals broken hearts.

As you allow God and your friends to help you process through this relationship, reflect on it. What leads to the
break-up? Are there some issues about my character? What are my blindspots? What were the red flags? What
cause the conflicts? Take this as a growth journey in becoming a better person in the Lord.

Notwithstandingly, the hurts, disappointments, self-pity and regret can linger, but you will heal as you allow God to
comfort and strengthen. In time to come, you learn the value of trusting God with this important decision in your
life.

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APPENDIX

Spotcheck: Is your Relationship Healthy?

When we are in an intimate relationship, we can be so caught up in each other that we fail to be objective or
evaluative. We may ignore red flags or warning signs as we are “so in love with each other” and “love can
conquer all”. Remember that this is one of the most important decisions in our life, and we are not to neglect
wisdom from God and godly counsel. Look through your criteria for healthy relationships. Is it present in this
relationship? Did you identify any helpful or destructive patterns in this relationship?

Here are some questions to ask about your relationship:

Are you good friends?

This is one of the most essential principles in considering a lifelong relationship. Is there a solid basis of friendship
in your relationship? Do you enjoy being together and relating in a variety of ways? Has your friendship been
tested through tough times and has it grown stronger? Do you trust each other? Do you know each other well
enough to make a wise and informed decision on taking the next step?

Are you relating from a position of need?

This cycle begins with a need, a feeling of emptiness. You could be in this relationship as you fear loneliness, are
getting on in age or in a rebound (going into another relationship right after a break-up) situation. Selecting
someone out of need or emptiness can cause you to settle for less than the best.

Are you in this relationship because you choose to be or are you driven or compelled to be in it?
If you are in this relationship because you are drawn to your partner and at the same time let your judgement
controls your emotions so that you are able to make wise choices, then your relationship is healthy. However, if
you feel you “must” or “have’ this person otherwise life would be very miserable, then this is not a healthy
relationship. You might be giving too much, carrying unrealistic expectations or in such a situation where you end
up getting hurt.

Is your relationship characterised by mutual strength, support and equality – you help each other grow, to be the
best you can be?

Paul exhorts these characteristics amongst believers, which inadvertently hold true for those in courtship:

Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor
one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. –
Romans 12:9-11.

In a healthy relationship, you seek to build up and encourage one another by experiencing and expressing
appropriate involvement with each other’s ups and downs. Unhealthy signs would be when one is a fixer (takes it
upon himself/herself to always save the other person), controlling (attempts to control many aspects of another’s
life), needy (constantly expecting the other person to meet own needs) or enabler (go overboard in meeting the
other person’s needs). Rather, it should be one that not only encourages when the other is down, but also support
each other at their points of strength and build each other up in Christ.

Are you objective about each other’s strengths and weaknesses?

If you reply that your friend does not have any significant weaknesses, problems or idiosyncrasies that irritate you,
then you might not know him/her well enough. In close friendships, weaknesses surface; and that is when, grace
and forgiveness abound. In a healthy relationship, you will recognise both strengths and faults in yourself and
your partner. You would both be able to contribute through your unique gifts and strengths. You will also be able

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to see shortcomings and areas in which you need to grow. You would make it known to each other in honesty,
love and sensitivity.

Does your relationship move conflicts toward resolution, and uses disagreement as a means of growth?

No relationship is totally without conflict. In healthy relationships, the Christian partners are determined to resolve
conflicts in biblical ways, to make each conflict a means of growth. Unhealthy relationships often develop into
love-hate relationships. Some relationships move from one unresolved conflict to another. Others are
characterised by avoidance which eventually erupts, followed by calm before the cycle repeats itself again.

Discover each other’s conflict management styles (look up lesson 6 in Healthy Relationships WFL) and work
through how you would both resolve conflicts in healthy ways.

- How are you both communicating?

Have you grown in your ability to hear and understand each other? Every relationship has room for improvement,
the question is, has there been growth? Many married couples will tell you inadequate communication is one of
the most common reasons for failed marriages. It is not the quantity of communication, as much as it is the quality
– depth of communication, empathetic listening, vulnerability, open self-disclosure, truth-telling and truth-healing
that matters.

Though honest communication can be difficult and threatening, it is critical to the success of any marriage.
Spouses learn to know each other intimately. They need to reveal to each other their personal pain, their fears,
their failures, their frustrations. They need to wisely express hard truth to one another and receive it maturely.

Couples cannot reach deeper levels of understanding if they do not learn how to communicate
adequately and effectively. If your partner is naturally quiet, sensitively draw the person out. If he or she refuses to
journey into deeper levels of communication, slow down. Reconsider the relationship or seek outside counsel.
You will never find genuine intimacy with an uncommunicative partner. If your partner is the one that is talking all
the time and seldom listens, find ways to tell him or her that you both need to connect in a more effective manner.

One of the goals of marriage is intimacy – emotional and physical. The key to both is communication. If this is
lacking, it is difficult to become soul-mates and enjoy the fullness of physical intimacy. Sexual intercourse can
take place without communication – but it does not have the true oneness that flows out of shared feelings,
dreams, thoughts, frustrations and hope.

Communication is also the key to conflict resolution. Good conflict-resolution skills involve mutual assertiveness,
mutual respect of views, humility, willingness to forgive, and a resiliency to bounce back after the conflict is
resolved. If you are not communicating, chances are conflicts remain unresolved and surmount over time.

- Are you both open to change?

Those who are open to change have more opportunity to operate or function as they should. Change is difficult as
it involves thinking differently; doing things differently; undergoing transformation, transition or substitution. To
most people change is negative as it implies inferiority, inadequacy and failure. However, Bible purports growth,
change and becoming mature. He loves us too much to let us remain who we are (Romans 8:29; Ephesians
4:15). Our willingness to change, to learn, to grow is God’s love language. This takes courage and risk.

What needs to be changed at this time in your life? Are unhealthy patterns in your past and your partner’s past
impacting your relationship? Are each of you moving ahead or repeating patterns? Are there some character traits
that need working on? (e.g. quickness to anger, jealousy, lack of teachability.)

Finally, does your relationship make you a stronger person, both when you’re with your partner and when you’re
not?

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In a good relationship, you feel good about yourself and the relationship when you think about your time together,
even though you both had an argument recently. In an unhealthy relationship, emotions can be volatile and often
in a yo-yo, depending on whether your relationship is working well or not.

If you identify some issues and problems raised in these questions, take positive steps to change. Relationships
are not always easy, especially if they’re unhealthy.

The first thing is to define what you want and what you need from this relationship. Be specific and write them
down. Then identify precisely what you are willing to give to the relationship. During this whole time, seek God
and your accountability friends for guidance and feedback. Then spend time communicating with your partner.
First ask what the person wants and needs from the relationship. Give the person advanced notice that you would
be discussing this. Then share what you want or need. Some couples have found that it helps when there is an
agreedupon set of rules and guidelines. Some of these terms of relationship can include physical boundaries;
amount of time spent together, as well as with friends and family; talking and not remaining silent when there’s a
conflict; calling if you are going to be late etc. You may want to set a time limit as to when you must see changes.

A good sense of God’s leading and godly counsel should undergird this whole development of relationship.

For Reflection And Review

- If you are in a relationship, how are both of you doing in the area of spiritual, emotional
and physical commitment? What are the areas you need to work on/be aware/restrain
from more?

- As you explore your courtship and get responses to the questions you ask, are there any
patterns, behaviours or habits that warrant attention on your part? What are you going to
do about it?

- How is the accountability aspect going for you? What is good and what can be improved?

- It is a good habit to journal the development of your relationship and what God speaks to
you about it.

- What aspects of your character, lifestyle, commitment, values, priorities, beliefs and
attitudes are strengthened/weakened/challenged through this relationship? What can you
do to continue to grow as a believer and also to develop a God-honouring relationship?

- If you are considering slowing down or ending the relationship, what insights have you
gained from this resource in this step?

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SESSION 4:

Season of Engagement

Introduction

A wonderful stage to reach is this season of engagement, where you’ve both enjoyed the whole process of
drawing closer together and ready to take that final stage!

Season of engagement is also a season of commitment. You have given yourselves to one another in this
exclusive relationship and the expectations arising from this commitment are at times overwhelming. Fear often
sets in for some couples, and they get “cold feet”, and even have thoughts of calling off the wedding!

Many of these fears are unfounded, and really stem from the fear of the unknown, and if they have made the right
choice.

- Is there fear of commitment?

Even when both of you have agreed at courtship that you are committed to marriage, jitters about commitment
still takes place when the possibility of it draws near. Some apprehension in the face of such a major decision is
not only normal but also healthy. If you don’t feel at least some fear, you have neither appreciated the element of
risk involved nor weighed the cost carefully. Most couples fear the loss of personal freedom and may even go
through a normal process of grieving this loss. No matter how greatly a person desires to be married, there is
sacrifice involved.

However if it becomes debilitating to the extent that you are at a standstill and not able to do what you desire most
or believe is best for you, then those fears are abnormal. The thought of losing freedom may frighten you so much
that you may experience conflict within and display erratic behaviour. This might be especially true for those who
have obtained some form of financial security, establishment in career, maturity in age and comfortable living
standards; or have
encountered past relationships where their confidence in marriage is shaken. They make resolve to abandoning
or ending the relationship as a solution.

If this is happening to you or your partner, take steps to work it through. First, be honest with what you are going
through and talk this through with each other. Discuss this fear and determine what is rational and what is not.

Often times, the closest examples seen in your immediate families may not be the most encouraging, and you are
afraid that the same plight will happen to you. Share with one another your childhood difficulties and understand
that the examples you see around you do shape your picture of a healthy marriage. Discuss and make your
marriage as one that God intends, as both of you bring more and more Christlike attitudes into your relationship.
You will certainly have your quarrels and squabbles, yet a Spirit led and controlled life will help you resolve the
conflict in a biblical way.

Build a healthy understanding of marriage, together with all its blessings and risks. Read good literature that
offers good understanding of a biblical, God centred and directed marriage.

Keep the openness and humility to account to another couple the concerns you both have, and to provide you
both with spiritual covering and prayer support. Meanwhile, continue to grow in understanding and support to
each other and allow God to intervene. And very importantly, be patient and not pressure each other.

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Guidelines To Spiritual Commitment

Our spiritual commitment to God and to each other should be an ongoing process. We learn and discover new
things about our spiritual life as we go through different experiences everyday. Your journey in your romantic
relationship should not be a story that just stops at the wedding, but one that goes beyond into the future.

Some good questions to ask are:

- Where is God throughout your story?

- What will your story be?
- Will it be a story that brings tears of joy or remorse?
- Will it remind you of the goodness of God or your lack of faith in that goodness?

Re-exploring spiritual compatibility

It is good to re-explore spiritual compatibility at this point of the relationship. Have you both grown in the Lord as a
result of your relationship? Have you been able to build each other’s spiritual health through shared prayer, Bible
study and ministry? Do you encourage each other on personal spiritual habits and discipline? Do you share your
experiences with God with each other?
Here are some essentials of spiritual compatibility in marriage:

- Common commitment to Christ as Lord and Saviour

- Similar view of biblical authority
- Similar understanding of biblical values that are important to personal life and family life
- Compatible goals and visions in life
- Desire to continue growing in Christ.

These essentials are vital to a healthy Christian marriage.

When they are present, differences can often be tolerated, or even enjoyed, at other points of spiritual
perspective. It depends on the personalities of the couple. Some will need a high level of similarity (e.g. in the
same ministry) whilst other are secure in serving in different settings or capabilities.

At times when one has a more public role in ministry, the partner must be secure in his or her identity in God, and
to fully release the other to serve God and His people. God has created us uniquely and He has also blessed us
with different giftings and abilities. Remember not to stifle one another as a result of our own perceived
inadequacies!

Developing vision for your marriage

God has given each of us a personal vision for our lives, and likewise when we are committed to work towards
marriage, we should begin to ask God for a vision for our marriage. Prayerfully ask God what you are able to do
as a couple to fulfil the Great Commission in your lives. Bring before God your uniqueness and your spiritual gifts,
and begin to dream about a vision for your marriage.

This vision maybe even based on a Bible verse that you may wish to use as your wedding verse and that you are
committed to living out this verse in your marriage.

Your vision should be broad enough to go beyond the two of you, to involve others around you and also your
future generations. Your children will look to the both of you as their first and closest examples of Christ loving
and following believers!

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Guidelines To Emotional Commitment

We grow closer to one another each day when we continue to reveal more and more of our emotions to one
another. At the early stages of your romantic relationship, you may have been apprehensive about sharing all
your emotions or may not even know how to share your emotions. Hopefully by now, you both have grown to
express your emotions without any hindrance or fear of rejection by the other person. You would have seen that
our gender differences and poor communication skills do play a key role in drawing us away from each other
emotionally.

The Word of God encourages us to be a man (and woman) of understanding; to draw out from the depths from
each other’s heart

- Becoming one emotionally

During this period, the couple begins to become one emotionally as they spend more individual time sharing deep
emotional feelings. This heart-to-heart communication lays an important foundation in marriage.

Ferguson and McMinn identifies the top ten intimacy needs that should begin during this period of engagement:

- Acceptance
- Affection
- Appreciation
- Approval
- Attention
- Comfort (empathy)
- Encouragement
- Respect
- Security
- Support

Emotional oneness does not just happen overnight; it is built up in the process of your friendship and courtship.
Trust is built along the way – make it a priority to work through trust issues.

The expectations we have and place on each other are often expressed through our emotions. The frustrations of
unmet and misunderstood expectations on what we do and not do to one another are revealed in our feelings. We
strengthen and build emotional intimacy when we share our emotions.

The ability to express how we feel should be spontaneous and a response to what we encounter through the five
senses.

For example:

I see how you react to a stern word from your parent and I feel troubled.
You touch my hand and I feel loved.
You smell the burnt toast and I feel your frustration.

- Managing emotional ties with families

Our emotional commitment will also need to extend to our own immediate families and our willingness to embrace
the emotional ties of our families. As we relate with one another, we need to grow in our emotional maturity to
accept and take responsibility of caring for our extended families.

You may be an only child, and as your parents age, you know that you bear the sole responsibility of caring for
their needs. Discuss with each other how you both feel about sharing this responsibility. This is where the need to
build strong future in-law relationships will set the foundation for acceptance of possibly living together.

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You may also come from very different social economic status in society, and the difference is so marked that if
not for your relationship, your families would never be seen together.

These are some key emotional ties that require you both to grapple with, and to talk about it and decide how both
of you will handle the expectations by your families.

Emotional oneness takes place when you meet together, in your daily lives, and during the ups and downs of life.
Be there to offer and receive emotional bonding.

Guidelines To Physical Commitment

Your physical intimacy will continue to grow and an understanding of the gender differences will help you deal
with the growing sexual desires.

The men will emphasis often on the physical aspects—the seeing, touching, and climax are the focus of his
attention. The women though, come to sexual intimacy with more interest in the relationship. To feel loved,
appreciated, and treated tenderly brings her great joy. Sexual intimacy requires understanding and responding to
these differences.

The key focus at this stage before your wedding night is to keep to the physical intimacy boundaries you both
have agreed on (to stay within the green zone), and committed to see this promise through. Hold each one
accountable and never let your guard down.

Keep in mind what stirs up your passion for sexual intimacy, and ask your Heavenly Father to help you check
your hearts and actions. For example: for our sisters, if you know a particular top that you own has a revealing
neckline, help your partner by making better choices in clothes to avoid unnecessary temptation. For our brothers,
be careful of honey-laden words and tender loving care towards your partner.

Questions To Ask Before You Get Engaged

Norman Wright, relationship expert and couples counsellor wrote a book titled 101 Questions to ask Before You
Get Engaged. Some of these 101 questions have been selected and presented here as they are found helpful for
further discovery of each other and addresses important matters that will affect your marriage. Some of them are
similar to those in previous chapters, but it warrants a reminder here. Questions relating to spirituality have been
covered in the previous chapter under Spiritual History. Do attempt to cover all questions over this season as
discussing them would bring you both to a better understanding of each other and wiser decision about marriage.

What are your non-negotiables in a marriage?

In our Questions to Ask in chapter 2, we listed compatibility in goals, visions, values, beliefs and character
qualities. Are these your non-negotiables?

What do you think are God’s purposes for marriage? Are you clear on your biblical roles as man and woman?
Though this may seem fundamental and should be understood by each other by now, it is better to clarify whether
your understanding is biblical and similar.

What is your greatest fear or concern about being married? What have you done to address these concerns?
You might not have a fear of commitment, but some other fears have crept in. Where did they originate? Are they
imagined or normal? Talk to your partner and some trusted friends about these fears to gain insight. Start
identifying them now and take positive steps in working through them.

What would those in your prior relationships (if any) say about you? What did you learn from them?
If others were consistent in what they say about you or your partner, was it positive or negative?

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Do you see the same traits, tendencies or qualities? Learn from your past relationships.
If you were to marry, in what way would you maintain a healthy “interdependence”? What would you depend upon
each other for and what would you take personal responsibility for?

“We” doesn’t mean you lose your individuality. There will be both a togetherness and a separateness. Discuss
with your partner who does what for whom, and what one does for oneself Define and set healthy boundaries.

There is much talk on compatibility when it comes to romantic relationships? What is your understanding?
In previous chapters, you were asked to explore on your compatibility potential in many dimensions. Becoming
compatible is a developmental process that you work on throughout your relationship.

Describe how you were disciplined as a child. If you both have children, how will your discipline be similar and
different?

Are there major differences in discipline styles between you and your partner? Are you comfortable with each
other’s background and what you intend to do? We often revert to our parent’s way of upbringing even though we
tell ourselves we would not do so. Talk about what are some of the steps both of you want to see happen to bring
about change.

What are five reasons a person would want to spend the rest of their life with you, and three reasons they
wouldn’t?

This is a soul-searching question that reveals how much you know yourself. It shows you know each other well if
you could predict each other’s answers. The responses could elicit some extended discussions.

Who are the people in your life who have influenced you the most and in what way?

Knowing this helps you to better understand yourself and your partner. Mentors shape our lives positively whilst
others influence us in such dysfunctional ways that they hamper our relationships.

Who are the people in your life who are the easiest to get along with and those who are the most difficult?

Whose list is longer? What does this tell about both your people and conflict management skills? If you are
struggling with others, are the two of you getting along well? If so, what is the difference? Do each of you have
characteristics similar to the people you have difficulty with?

What are five habits you’re glad you have and five you wish you didn’t?

All of us have habits and patterns in life, some which we are proud of and some which we are not. Do you both
have similar habits? Can you accept and live with each other’s? Do you need to help get rid of those which are
unhealthy? Habits you find annoying now would only accentuate when you marry.

When you are sick, how do you want others to respond to you? When a significant person in your life is sick, how
do you respond?

Illness is seldom discussed before marriage, but there are expectations and needs when sickness happens. Many
conflicts have occurred because this was not discussed in advance.

What do you believe are five elements that make marriage work?

Once you identify them, discuss how you would make sure these elements exist and continue to be enhanced.
One fundamental element should be dedication.

What are three of the most vivid memories you can recall from birth to age 18?

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This helps you to identify the significant events in your growing up life, be it positive or negative, and the persons
involved. How have these memories shaped your life? Who we are today is a reflection of our past experiences.

What are the various jobs you’ve held, and for how long? What did you like and dislike about each other?
Commitment to work, as well as job stability, can be a pattern that affects relationships. Is job satisfaction
evident? What do the likes and dislikes tell you?

What are your financial responsibilities and goals? How capable are you in budgeting, saving, shopping patterns?
How stressful are these to you? What debts do you have at this time?

Differences in management of finance are a major stumbling block in many marriages, and all the more so in this
times of economic uncertainties. Each of you needs to know what one another earns and future potential. One
might be a saver and the other a spender. Remember that good stewardship (and not just in finances) is an
important foundation in marriage.

What was your life and what were you like before you met your partner?

Changes will occur when you are in a relationship. The question is whether they are for the better or not. Healthy
changes involve making wise adjustments and accommodations. Unhealthy ones actually make you become
worse as a person.

Dreams and aspirations are very important. Have your partner write their response to “If I were to marry I would
…” Complete these phrase five times.

The responses are a window into your dreams for the present and the future. It may reveal new information about
yourself and your partner. Being married is meant to enhance and enrich your life, not stifle nor limit you.

Can you think of any loss in your life that you’ve never fully grieved over?
All of us have losses. If they have not been grieved for when they occurred, they will come back and intensify the
next loss. These losses can interfere with relationships, especially if they are rejections. Develop a healthy pattern
of grieving.

What are five adjectives you would select to describe your relationship with your father?
With your mother? With your siblings?
Are the words all positive, all negative, or a mixture? The way we relate to our family often spill over to our
marriage and parenting. Talk over such impact on your relationship.
Describe how you handle stress, disappointments and frustrations. What creates the greatest stress,
disappointment and frustration in your life?
This will not be unfamiliar to you and you might have discussed it before previously. However it is important to
discuss on what are the healthy and unhealthy expressions when such events occur.

How much do you value “personal time” – time to yourself to reflect, study or recreate? If one of you is an
introvert, you would likely ask for more time alone as your regain energy this way. If you are an extrovert, you will
enjoy the company of friends. Work on understanding and accepting each other’s differences and needs.

What is your idea of a “family”? What would you change about your family and how you were raised? What steps
would you take to make these changes?
The more you know about each other’s family, the greater the insight you will have regarding your attitudes and
beliefs about family. Discover each other’s concerns, likes and dislikes about the families and what you need to
contribute. We are shaped by our families, but we need not carry unhealthy patterns, rituals and habits into our
relationships. Have a specific plan to follow through what you both want to see in your new family.

What are three ways in which you see yourselves as different? What are three ways in which you see yourselves
as similar? Which if these are you most familiar with?

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Your answer may be about personality, character traits, interpersonal skills, patterns of living etc. Couples are
drawn together by differences as well as similarities. Sometimes we respond to differences because they fill our
empty places. Sometimes we’re comfortable with similarities. Learn to appreciate and accept each other’s
similarities and differences.

Of all the emotions or experience in life, which are the easiest ones for you to express and which are the most
difficult?

Everyone is an emotional being. Some experience or express emotions more intensely than others. Talk about
each of the following: fear, worry, anxiety, depression, sadness, anger, rage, frustration, guilt, shame, delight,
sorrow, joy.

Are your expectations compatible?

What do you quarrel and squabble about most? Have you ever felt that your partner understands you completely?
Have you been open to share your expectations with one another?

What foods do you enjoy, and what are your feelings about eating healthy?
Can food and diet be a problem? It can be so if one is health conscious and the other is not. If you were to marry,
what adjustments would you both need to make?

If you were to marry, what would be the hardest adjustment your partner would have to make in order to live with
you?

This is an interesting question – it reveals how much you know yourself and of each other. Your answer could be
a new revelation to each other.

What will your relationship be like with your parents, siblings, and friends after you marry? The same or different?
If different, in what way?

Both of you may have different expectations regarding the amount of time and activities. You might also have
family commitments and differing emotional ties. Do you see interactions with each other’s family and friends as
loving and positive, or strained and obligatory? What are some of the gatherings and events that you want as part
of your life?

What are the passions, hobbies and interests in life you would love doing, and which of those would be
meaningful to you if you were to do them with your partner?

Togetherness in a relationship means being able to play, work or serve together. Even though you have different
passions, hobbies and interests, find something that you can explore doing together. Remember that you can’t
bring a single lifestyle into a marriage relationship. Otherwise you might become a pair of married singles.

Do you have long and meaningful relationships with friends?

Be concerned about your partner if he/she only knows people for a short time or has no friends. Also beware if the
other has only friends of the opposite gender. There has to be reasons for not being able to get along with your
own gender. Friendships that span for years reveal a pattern of stability and show the ability to give-and-take.

Do you feel you need to compromise or sacrifice anything to be a part of this relationship?

Relationships are based on give and take. If one person is always giving or another always taking, then the
relationship is unbalanced and unhealthy. Make sure you strike a balance of give-andtake in your relationship. Be
wary if one of you feels that life is one giant compromise.

What are the five biggest fears in your life?

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This can be a revealing question. You fears may or may not be rational, but it is good to evaluate how they affect
your relationship. Couples can be married for years and remain unaware of each other’s fears. Do those fears
concern you? How could you help one another overcome these fears?

What has been your source of information about marriage? Parents, church mates, friends, classes, pastors,
books? What would you do to learn more about marriage after you’ve married?

We all learn about marriage through the years. Our learning can help or hinder our marital growth process. There
are plenty of good resources. Expand your understanding of marriage.

Who are the people in your life you’ve needed to forgive, and how did you accomplish this?

Forgiveness is essential in any relationship. Do you both practice this in your relationship? Resentment will poison
a relationship – even though it is not toward one another. Forgiveness is a process and may take time. As you
reflect and experience God’s forgiveness, allow it to transform both of you into forgiving people.

On a scale of 0-10, where do you see yourself on each one of the nine traits of the fruit of the Holy Spirit at this
point in your life? Refer to Galatians 5:22.

A relationship built upon the teaching of God’s Word has the best foundation for a fulfilled marriage. Do you look
to the Scriptures as the basis for the way to communicate and respond to one another? This is tied closely to your
biblical beliefs and values.

Are other people supportive of your relationship?

Have your closest friends, family members and even your accountability partner or relationship counsel team
cautioned you about this relationship? Are there inconsistencies in their general feel about your relationship?

What do you envision in the future for this relationship?

What growth, goals and vision do you desire to see happen? What do you want to see happen to both of you
spiritually, emotionally, physically and mentally in the years to come?

Are you both ready for marriage?

How did you decide that it’s time to get married? Have you both taken time to see your relationship mature over
the years, and that there is growth in your character and relationship with God?

After answering these questions, are you confident there is a healthy future for both of you? Take the time to go
through the problem areas and pray about them. Be sure to celebrate all that you do have in common. If you
discover that you are not as compatible as you both thought, or if too many red flags were raised during your
discussions, do know it’s better to back out of the relationship now than to end up with an unhealthy marriage.

Making It Public

Many couples will also be excited about the prospect of marriage and keen to make a public confession of their
relationship. The excitement in preparing for the wedding day is only a glimpse of the realities of a lifelong
commitment.

Marriage is in itself a journey, and not a destination in your romantic relationships.

At this season, you would have been seen as an “item”, and others around you will expect that you will marry one
another. You may also be pressured to quickly settle down and start producing grandchildren!

Always remember that you both are the ones that ultimately have to be ready to walk down the aisle and make
the lifelong commitment. Never in turn pressure each other, but continue to seek God’s timing.

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It is also at this season, that some will plan an engagement party to “formalise” their romantic relationship. This is
simply a gathering of family and friends to celebrate the engagement of the couple.

As part of the preparation for a strong marriage, the importance of attending a marriage preparation course is
fundamental to set the biblical foundations of marriage in place. Marriage preparation should be completed at
least 12-18 months before your intended wedding date. During the course, continue to keep a growing and
humble attitude, and to learn from the myriad of life experiences from our family leaders.

As you learn and mature, brothers will be more prepared and confident to propose to your partner; and sisters,
you will be more ready to say “yes”! Many couples in our church have come up with ingenious ways of marriage
proposals. One way we discourage is to arrange for your partner to meet you at HDB Hub to apply for a flat –
which is a signal that the man wants to marry the woman. This is unromantic and too pragmatic. If you need
ideas, do seek the help of other couples. Or better still, come up with your own!

Respect for parents

Brothers, even before you propose to your partner, you need to seek permission for hand in marriage from her
parents, and to receive their blessing.

Take time to build relationship with each other’s families and to understand the differing family values and
cultures. Learning to communicate well with your future in-laws is important to build a harmonious relationship
and to avoid unnecessary misunderstanding. In many occasions we should take the initiative and make the effort
to learn to speak the dialect or even language. In some families there are physical challenges and one friend that
I know is even learning sign language, so that she is able to communicate with her future in-laws who are hearing
impaired. The effort to bridge the communication gap and to try to understand your future in-laws will definitely be
appreciated by them.

When you are both ready to take the next step and move towards marriage, take the initiative to show honour and
respect for your future father-in-law (and mother-in-law), by asking for their daughter’s hand in marriage.

It may seem “old fashioned” to involve parents as one may deem marriage as between the two of you only. In
reality this is far from true. We have been living under our parents’ covering for most of our lives, and we should
give them the respect and honour in seeking their blessing for our marriage.

When we have taken time to build relationship with them, and also proven that we have good character and they
have had time to see us relate in the different stages of our romantic relationship, our parents will have no
hesitation or apprehension in blessing our marriage.

Conclusion

As we come to an end of these seasons in our romantic relationships, we need to always remind ourselves that
as believers our relationships must have the distinct mark of God upon us. We seek to have God’s seal of
approval in our relationships. We know we can't trust ourselves, and we can't completely know the person we
decide to marry, but we can trust God to guide us in our decisions and to help us follow through with our
commitments. That is the beauty and joy of submitting every aspect of our lives to our Heavenly Father who loves
us and knows us.

Mature faith: describes a person who believes in Jesus Christ as their Saviour. This person is committed,
growing, learning and walking in the Spirit.

Ephesians 2: 8-10

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by
works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which
God prepared in advance for us to do.

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Ephesians 5:8-10

For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light (for the fruit
of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) and find out what pleases the Lord.

Ephesians 5:15-21

Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every
opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's
will is. Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit. Speak
to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs. Sing and make music in your heart to the
Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.
Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

Adaptable: describes the adaptable spirit – “forbearance”; the ability to put up with agitation or
irritation, tolerance. To adapt you must have humility, gentleness (literally, “meekness” ; a sense of
power but under clam control) and patience

Ephesians 4:1-3

As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be
completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to
keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.

Responsible: indicates the quality of hard work and willingness to share

Ephesians 4:28

He who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with his own
hands, that he may have something to share with those in need.

Relational skills: it’s about communication, confrontation, conflict resolution (forgiveness) and
expression of love/affection (imitators of God …walk in love)

Ephesians 4:15

Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is,
Christ.

Ephesians 4:29

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others
up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

Ephesians 5:2

and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and
sacrifice to God.

Inner confidence: describes the inner strength of knowing who you are and what you believe. It is
not a pseudo-confidence, but a deep, calm stability (stand firm)

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Ephesians 6:10-18

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can
take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but
against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the
spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when
the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything,
to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of
righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of
peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming
arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of
God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind,
be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.

Anger controls: this passage actually commands you to get angry! And yet, you are to have control
over this anger, as well as the ability to resolve it within a brief amount of time. When anger is not
being dealt with properly, the risk of relational and spiritual damage increases (give the devil an
opportunity)

Ephesians 4:25-27

Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all
members of one body. "In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still
angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.

Gracious: one of the most descriptive scriptures about the roles in marriage. At the heart of the
husband and wife role is the determined commitment to put his/her spouse first and meet their
needs. The wife is to make her husband feel respected and the husband to make his wife feel loved.
Submission and sacrifice are to be prevalent attitudes of relationship. Graciousness should set the
tone of both husband and wife.

Ephesians 5:24-33

Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her
holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a
radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same
way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.
After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the
church— for we are members of his body. "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother
and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." This is a profound mystery—but I am
talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves
himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

Emotionally stable: contrasts the stable, Christlike walk God wants you to have versus a callous,
sensual, greedy, hardened lifestyle.

Ephesians 4:17-24

So I tell you this, and insist on it in the Lord, that you must no longer live as the Gentiles do, in the
futility of their thinking. They are darkened in their understanding and separated from the life of God
because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardening of their hearts. Having lost all
sensitivity, they have given themselves over to sensuality so as to indulge in every kind of impurity,
with a continual lust for more. You, however, did not come to know Christ that way. Surely you heard
of him and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus. You were taught, with
regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful

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 desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like
God in true righteousness and holiness.

For Reflection And Review

Have you worked through your issues, uncertainties and fears (if any) regarding the lifelong
commitment of marriage? Spend time helping each other to work through them.

How are both of you doing in the area of spiritual, emotional and physical commitment? What are the
areas you need to work on/be aware/restrain from more?

What other discovery have you made of each other that are important in marriage? What will you
both do about it?

Have you met your partner’s family? How is your relationship with them? How can you develop good
relationships with them?

(For men) How are you going to ask her father for the hand in marriage? How are you going to
propose to her? It can be nerve-recking – do seek help from trusted couples around you.

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