Ben Davis Study Trip

ED299 Study Trips: Ben Davis Critical Self-Reflection

A. Description of the Critical Incident or Practice
When 11:20 PM hit at Ben Davis on our first visit day, I could feel anxiety begin to bubble
up within me as I walked toward the lunchroom. I dawdled in the teacher’s classroom,
trying to stay out of the hallways as long as possible—I had clearly forgotten how to
navigate the hectic school hallways as well as operate outside the Butler Bubble. When I
finally made it down to the lunchroom (without my student guide for the day, who had
never been found), I scrambled to find friends from our class, with whom I then stood on
the wall, attempting to observe all interactions from a distance. To cover my discomfort, I
began criticizing the lack of control the lunch monitor had on the students in the
lunchroom. I left the lunchroom as quickly as possible and spent the rest of lunch looking
around the school and the various murals they had.

B. Feelings
I felt scared in the lunchroom. I felt anxious, overwhelmed, awkward, and totally out of
place. Even though I’ve only been removed from high school for about a year, I haven’t
spent time in a school lunchroom for two and a half years (thankfully). Being back in that
lunchroom (even though it was much smaller and only filled with ninth graders), I was
overwhelmed by my terrible memories of being lost in my own high school, not only in
my lunch room, but all the times I felt out of place in my adolescence. I also felt a little
angry in this moment about being forced into the lunchroom and back into my awkward
teenage self.
C. Thoughts
I kept thinking, “I left high school already, I don’t know why I’m being forced back into
this awkward space.” I was also annoyed by the cafeteria monitor’s grating voice calling
students to lunch detention and demanding quiet.
D. Deconstruction
D1) Underlying Assumptions
I could tell that my anger was partially rooted in my discomfort, but I was so
overwhelmed by my feelings in the moment that I was unable to move past them and
find something beneficial from the experience. I was too focused on myself and my own
feelings of discomfort to learn anything about the students or teachers at Ben Davis on
Tuesday, which is truly worrisome. Because I want to be a high school teacher, I know
that I need to find my place in these schools so I can focus on serving the students
instead of myself.

D2) Multiple Perspectives: 4 different theorists

Erik Erikson: According to Erik Erikson, I’m in the stage of intimacy vs. isolation.
However, I just left the stage of identity vs. role confusion (and the high school students I
was observing remain in this stage). Coming back to the high school scene, I found
myself thrown back into the feeling of role confusion. I didn’t feel like I was in a position
of authority over these students (evidenced by the fact that I introduced myself as “Erin”
and not “Ms. Morrisey”), and that confusion led to a brief feeling of a weak sense of self. I
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had forgotten how to be confident around these people I didn’t know because I couldn’t
pinpoint what my role was in this school.

Benjamin Bloom: It wasn’t only my developmental stage according to Erikson that

prevented me from interacting well with these students in the lunchroom—it was also my
standing in Bloom’s Taxonomy. As an observer at this school (and as a member of ED
299), it was my job during my time at Ben Davis to analyze and evaluate the teaching
and learning that occurred. However, because of my discomfort, I was barely able to
remember or understand much of what happened. Because I felt like I wasn’t meant to
be at this school (a general feeling of being out of place), I didn’t take any notes, not
wanting to draw attention to myself, so I don’t remember much of what happened on
Tuesday. Because of this lack of observation, I have little to evaluate and analyze now.
Since I didn’t observe the students as closely as I should have, I’m forcing myself to do a
self-evaluation in the attempt to discover something meaningful I can use later from this
visit.

Lawrence Kohlberg: My actions at Ben Davis fit well into Kolberg’s conventional stage
of moral development. Again, because of my discomfort, I slipped into Kohlberg’s
“interpersonal accord and conformity orientation.” I often think of myself as operating at
a high moral standard, refusing to change my actions or beliefs for the sake of
conforming. However, I allowed myself to be controlled by the actions of the high
schoolers. I didn’t want to seem “uncool” or stick out from others, so I (subconsciously)
tried as hard as I could to blend into the surroundings at Ben Davis. I fell into a defensive
stance: I was full of contempt for all authority figures and weirdly craved the acceptance
of the high school students surrounding me (who definitely didn’t think as much about
me as I did about them). It felt like I had no control over my thoughts, feelings, or
actions.

Urie Bronfenbrenner: I think one of the big reasons why I was so uncomfortable at Ben
Davis was because a mesosystem formed in a way for which I hadn’t prepared. The
mesosystem of my college life (and my attempt to fit into the role of a future teacher)
and my past self as a high school student clashed together and I didn’t know how to
handle the result. I know I’ve changed quite a bit since coming to college (and I’ve loved
every bit of it), so I never expected to be so confused simply by walking back into a high
school building.
D3) Further Analysis
Every time I’ve discussed my high school experience with my friends, I’ve treated it like
some magical place (partially because I’m trying to explain why I want to teach high
school so much). However, this has made me forget about the less-than-stellar
experiences I had in high school. Also, because of the truly magical quality of Butler, I
haven’t experience discomfort in quite a while. Stumbling into a lunchroom, not knowing
anyone, and having the option to simply leave the room without any drastic
consequences made my experience at Ben Davis such that I felt I had no option but run
away from my awkwardness. I didn’t want to be embarrassed in front of my Butler
friends, so I pretended to be angry at the fact that I had to spend time in the lunchroom.
E. Reframing and Taking Action
Although I deeply enjoyed high school and all it offered me, the power of the
awkwardness of the lunchroom is still overwhelming. After almost a year in college, I
thought I would have been able to move past my discomfort, but this was clearly not the
Ben Davis Study Trip

case. I need to continue pushing myself outside my comfort zone and pushing myself to
be uncomfortable, so I don’t fall back into my shell once I step into a high school to begin
teaching. I still have a lot of growing to do.

The person I was in that lunchroom was the exact opposite of the person I hope to be as
a teacher. I don’t want to be so uncomfortable that I can’t make an impact on my
students. I want to move past my feeling of inadequacy so I can help my students with
their feelings of not belonging.