Monologue of a Bipolar : Cyclic Transformations - Story of Coping and Courage

How many times in a day we come across people who ask us, "Hello how are you doing today?"
And we might just answer "Good, thanks and you?" Or "Na, not so good!" Let me introduce you
to a third kind of person - one who doesn't feel occasionally good or occasionally bad - but
always fine or good and bad or miserable. Day 1: Somebody: "How you doing?" Me: "I was good
in the morning, but now I feel miserable, don't know why" Somebody: "Why? What's wrong?" Me:
"Well it started.....” (And my story of little matters here and there which annotate me as the
damsel in distress) Day 2: Somebody: "How are you today?" Me: "Wasn't feeling so good all day,
but now I feel ecstatic" Somebody: "I feel sorry for whatever bad might have happened to you all
day, but glad to hear you're feeling good finally" Me : "Indeed I am ! Thank you" (with a big
dimpled smile) . . Day N: Somebody: "How are you?" Me: "Not so good. I was fine all day but it
feels so strange now, like a depressive feeling" Somebody: "You're crazy! You're always
loathing, always sad. You have no control over your brain or heart. You're so sensitive that you
scare people! How can anyone even ask if you're doing well? You act weird - weak and strong at
the same time. You act way immature and stupid sometimes. You can't focus on what you really
want. Why can't you ever stabilize yourself? Why is the world just black and white for you? Can't
you see the thousands of shades of gray that exist in between? Why do you keep feeling guilty,
sad, depressed, insulted every time ? And all those times that you're not - you're overexcited,
overenthusiastic, over-creative, over-energetic or overambitious? Why can't you calm down - be
N O R M A L? Why? Why? Why? Why? " Dear Reader, Welcome to my world! Consider this
monologue as my testimony
Of transformation
From a weak, depressed, scared, introvert, nervous, little girl
to a strong, bold, extrovert, confident, fearless woman.
I am 23 years old, an engineer, a professional
With a passion for writing, healing, music, cooking and Yoga.
My story is just like any young woman's story of my age
(Or rather any age)
But with a slight exception:
One might see transformation as a before and after phenomenon
But my transformations (yes with an s, plural) are cyclic!
I undergo these transformations every single day of my life
Since the past 10 years!
But what I am saying? What do I mean? How is this possible? Am I crazy?
No, not really. I am just battling a chemical imbalance in my brain,
Which medical science states as
'maniac-depression' or a 'bipolar disorder';
It was right then and there,
That I undertook an oath
For a lifetime of constant battle
To achieve sanity and calmness
My childhood may not have been like that of other kids
But I must say - it sure was an adventurous one!
Never had I a dull moment
I am enthusiastic and jumpy most of the time, when I am not –
I am usually depressed - but never dull, naah!
My daily dosage of medicine comprises of
Self-motivation, self-pushing (out of comfort zones),
Positive meditation, Rigorous exercises and
Timely elemental supplements – my stepping stones
Yes all of these - every day - each single day –
Missing on any one even for one day
Would lead to a mind of utter chaos and mishaps
I witness
Subtle highs and Steep lows
Gentle rise and Big blows
Intense happiness and Sulked sadness
Gleeful gladness and Gloomy glumness
All in all in a matter of One Day!
I recently realized that I am different - well at least
Different from vast majority of people I am surrounded with
In my day to day life –
Blame it on my innocence, naivety, stupidity or young age –
I always turned a blind eye to my differences-
By hiding them uncomfortably behind a mask of Sage
Says the Holy Bible in John 16:33
"In this world you will have trouble. But take heart!
I have overcome the world."
Isn't wearing a mask a refusal to get real?
Are you willing to take off your mask?
Are those masks we don, really worth it all?
I have decided to take mine off and
Give you a sneak peak of my real world.
And very recently,
When I encountered more and more
People like me - I decided
To pay a tribute to
Their constant battle with themselves,
Their alter egos,
Their unpredictable sense
I dedicate this monologue and
The following poem
To these people - who witness
The recurring roller-coaster of emotions
And cyclic transformations
Each day, every day
Trying hard to identify
Their real self - search for it
Hold it close, sustain them-self
-The Warrior in Me-
"I fought; I stood - by them, with them, for them
They bared my spotless soul
Leaving scars within!
But never had I given up, and I never did
Traced my path to the shore
With sore feet rigid!
The warrior in me, strong and sustained
With defending spirit, ceaseless eminence
The warrior in me, off-the-cuff again
Sturdier each day, with stringent persistence
Pinned down each time, never stopped
Rising back to base
Daring lessons of a lifetime
Conquered with pace!
Motivating myself, upholding 'right'
Defeating wrong ways
Like seamless sunny sunshine
Days after days after days!
The warrior in me, courageous and protective
Full of drive, productive,
Persuading positive spirits
The warrior in me, flamboyant and creative
Committed to humanity, thriving on
Fight for social justice
The warrior in me is a spiritual warrior
Disciplined and conditioned for trials of
Unwanted myths and fears
The warrior in me is a compassionate warrior
Devoted to loyalty, faith, love and the
Challenges it bears!"

Yes there's a warrior in me

Who doesn't want to give-up
Neither wants to hide
Nor shrug
Second Corinthians 12: 9-10 says
"Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses,
So the God's power may rest on me."
I have decided to live a life where
I delight
In my weaknesses, my insults,
In hardships, struggles,
In difficulties
And depressing results
For when I am weak
I am the strongest
For when I feel low
I endure the longest
For when I cry
I am seeking determination
The harder I try
More I achieve patience
I found my recluse in
Writing and in Music
Mainly for myself -
Sometimes for people I love -
This time -
To reach out
Being the voice of them all
On their behalf I stand tall
They who suffer from this
Haphazard thoughts each day
They who struggle to keep
Their negative thoughts at bay
I might never be able
To silence
The ceaseless multiple voices
In my head
I might never get free
Rid of descriptive theories
Of a distracted mind
Sometimes delusional, mostly destructive
Sometimes numb
Sometimes blind
But I can most certainly
Find a cause
A motive to exist
A power to thrive
A reason to believe
A belief to survive
And the cause is to connect
To help him, her, them
Every one of us
Because we all need
A little help sometimes -
A shoulder to cry on
Arms to secure 'round tight
Sincere eyes to see through
A blessing in disguise
Eager ears who listen too
A kind heart that’d advice
I am not ashamed of
What I am
Of how God made me
Of how unique I stand
Do I have a reason to be?
Beneath the mask
I am just as you
Any of you, All of you
Maybe I am faster
Maybe my thoughts run haywire
And my ideas -
Day to day, just waiver
But I am a human too
I am an ambitious,
Young woman too
I laugh, I cry
I shout, I try
I feel happy, I feel sad
I feel ecstatic, I feel bad
Just like you-
All of you!
I am spiritually blessed
And God
Has left no stone unturned
In giving me constant support
Of a beautiful family,
A lovely loving boyfriend
A decent sense of humour
And few great friends!
My journey is a journey
Of nerve-wrecking self-inspiration
Day to day
Of self-sustenance and
Old school meditation
Being the ray
Of hope, and light
Strength and might
My journey is a journey
Of magnificent manias
And destructive depressions
And hypo-mania
From artistic, creative drives
To anxieties and fears
Of annihilation
My journey of life
Is like a
Sinusoidal physical wave
Each time I manage to
Hit a rock-bottom
It ensures me the only way
Now is to go up
Higher and higher
To the peak, to the crest of my dreams
Beliefs and strengths!
My journey is the journey
Of acceptance of unintentional
Mistakes I make
The delusions I cause
The damages I date
It is a journey of self-awareness
Persistent patience
Frequent forgiveness
Someone once said to me,
"For bringing about any
Significant transformation,
We first need to learn
To accept with all our heart
Our current situation, the reality -
And then and only then
Can we have the power to modify it
Transform it – Do the change we wish to see in it"
My journey is most importantly
The journey of acknowledgement (of my disorder)
Its presence
Its ability to lift, its ability to drain
My journey is my undying effort
To get a firm grip
Around it
To pull a few heartbreaks
To learn to carry on
With forever a smile on face
Says the medicinal science that
Genius level of creative talent
Is associated closely
With the very existence of this
Mania or hypo-mania
Then why shouldn't I
Count myself lucky, blessed
To be born with one?