CHARACTERS ACT ONE

SCENE I

HUGO PLUDEK
f'I/I'fIatofthe PLuDEKfamily. Present are: PLUDEK,
PL UDEK, his father
M S PLUDEK, PETER and HUGO. HUGO is playing a solitary game
MRS PL UDEK, his mother
11/ chess. He makes a move, goes around to the other side of the board,
PETER PL UDEK, his brother I liberates, makes another move, etc.
AMANDA
MAXY FALK
I'I.UDEK: (To HUGO) Dear son! (To MRS PLUDEK) Should I?
CLERK at the Liquidation Office MM. PLUDEK: What time is it?
SECRETARY at the Liquidation Office
I'I.UDEK: Twelve.
DIRECTOR of the Inauguration Service
M S PLUDEK: Already? You must!
I'J UDEK: Dear son!
IIUGO: (Makes his move) Check! (Changes sides.)
I'I.UDEK: Still at it?
IIUGO: Yes, Dad.
,'I.UDEK: And how goes it?
IItJ 0: Badly, Dad, badly.
MR PL UDEK: Peter! What about going to the cellar for a while,
do you mind?
(PETER exits.)
Kalabis will be here any moment. Heaven forbid that he
should meet Peter! Everybody says Peter looks like a
bourgeois intellectual. Why should you get into trouble
because of him?
"I. UDEK: Quite right, Berta. I'm the grandson of a poor
farmband, damn it! One of six children. I've five proletarian
great-uncles!
MRS PL UDEK: Peter is the black sheep of the family.
I'LUDEK: The blackguard! (To HUGO) Dear son! The middle
classes are the backbone of the nation. And why? Not even a
hag carries hemp seed to the attic alone. Jaros wished to be a
goldsmith and he became one. Soon you'll be finishing
school. Have you asked yourself?
IIUGO: No, Dad.
l'LUDEK: Did you hear that, Berta?

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 THE GARDEN PARTY THE GARDEN PARTY

MRS PL UDEK: Never mind, AIbert. Did somebody ring? 1111 o: Badly, Dad, badly.
PLUDEK: No. I'l. UDEK: Peter! What about going to the attic for a while, do
MRS PLUDEK: Listen, Bertie-
(HUGO makes his move and changes sides.)
Well, how goes it?
HUGO: All right, Mum.
nu mind?
\'UTER exus.)
11he was merely an intellectual, well, all right. Intellectuals
tr sort of tolerated these days. But he keeps insisting on
J
PLUDEK: What is it? I ing bourgeois as well!
MRS PLUDEK: What time is it? I I IIIII,K: Pig-headed, that's all. (To HUGO) Dear son! Not even
PL UDEK: One. Ihe Hussars of Cologne would go to the woods without a
MRS PL UDEK: He should have been here by now- lamp. Jaros thought about his future and so he studied, and
PLUDEK: Unless he's been a bit delayed. tudied, and studied. Have you thought about yours?
MRS PLUDEK: What do you mean, 'delayed'? 1111( o: No, Dad.
PL UDEK: Well, he might have met somebody and forgot to watch I 11nux: How's that?
the time. IlIrl n: I've studied, Dad.
MRS PL UDEK: But whom? I , Unt,K: Did you hear that, Berta?

PLUDEK: A chum from the army- I'LUDEK: Never mind, AIbert. Did somebody ring?
MRS PL UDEK: But you said he's never been in the army. I IfI>l!K: No.
PLUDEK: There you are! He'll surely come. Should I? I'LUDEK: Listen, Bertie-
MRS PLUDEK: Let's hope so! You must! (nuoo makes his move and changes sides.)
PL UDEK: Dear son! The middle classes are the backbone of the W ll, how goes it?
nation. And why? He who fusses about a mosquito net can I III : All right, Mum.
never hope to dance with a goat. Jaros used to say -life is a PLUDEK: What time is it?
blank page. You mean to tell me you don't know what to I I III K: Three.
write on it? PLUDEK: He should have been here by now.
HUGO: I don't, Dad. " tIl>EK: Unless he's been a bit delayed.
PLUDEK: Did you hear that, Berta? PL UDEK: What do you mean, delayed?
MRS PLUDEK: Never mind, AIbert. Did somebody ring? I , IIl)EK: Well, he might have met somebody and forgot to watch

(PETER eniers.) the time.

PLUDEK: No. (To HUGO) Dear son! (To MRS PLUDEK) Should I? t S PLUDEK: But whom?
MRS PLUDEK: What time is it? . ." lDEK: A childhood chum.
PL UDEK: Two. M~. PLUDEK: You know very well he had no childhood!
MRS PLUDEK: Already? You must! "I.l.JDEK: He had no childhood, but he had childhood chums. Am
PLUDEK: Dear Son! I not his childhood chum?
HUGO: (Makes his move) Check! (Changes sides.) M PLUDEK: But he couldn't have met you!
PLUDEK: Still at it? I'L UDEK: There you are! He'll surely come! Should I?
HUGO: Yes, Dad. MRS PLUDEK: Let's hope so! You must!
PLUDEK: And how goes it? "I, UDEK: Dear son! He who knows where the bumblebee hides

4 5
 THE GARDEN PARTY THE GARDEN PARTY

his stinger never rolls up his leggings. When one calls J N v r, Daddy.
Jaros calls back, and that's the whole point. The basis of • 11\ 11 There you are! Di'd somehod')y nng.
is the idea you form of life. You think anybody will form i I I un K: No.
for you? ( II1J ( 0 makes his move and changes sides.)

HUGO: Yes, Dad. Jaros. (Makes his move.) Check. (Changes . 1\,how goes it? .
11 tI All right, Mum. (Makes his move.) Check! (Changes sides.)
PLUDEK: Did you hear that, Berta?
MRS PLUDEK: Never mind, Albert. Dear Hugo! Without the • How goes it? .
warp not even the woof can be buried. That's why your
I
'I
\1111
11 B Idly, Dad. Very badly, in fact! (Makes hIS move and
father has invited for today - well, go on, ask Father whom 1 hllnges sides.)
he has invited! 1'1 IlOEK: How goes it?
HUGO: Whom have you invited, Daddy? \I 11 Super, Mum! (Makes his move.) Checkmate!

PL UDEK: My colleague Kalabis. Well, ask Mother who is my /Ill : You lost?
colleague Kalabis! \I 11 N ,I won.
HUGO: Who is Daddy's colleague Kalabis, Mummy? I I.UDEK: You won?
MRS PLUDEK: Your father's schoolmate. Well, go on, ask Fath 1111 11 No, I lost.
what did he do with his colleague Kalabis when they were I 1III K: Come now. Did you win or did you lose?
boys! 1\11 11 Lost here - and won here.

HUGO: What did you do with your colleague Kalabis when you I'I.UDEK: When you win here, you lose here?
were boys, Daddy? 11 1I (I' And when I lose here, I win here.
PLUDEK: We used to break windows! I IIIl1.K: You see, Berta? Instead of a total victory one time ~r a

MRS PL UDEK: Of rich farmers! total defeat another, he prefers to win a little and lose a little
PLUDEK: Yes. And ask Mother what is my colleague Kalabis , h time.
now! l'LUDEK: Such a player will always stay in the game.

I HUGO: What is Daddy's colleague Kalabis now, Mummy? I IIU¥.K: Quite! You can't fry chickenweed without a straw. And

. MRS PL UDEK: A Deputy Chairman! And your father has invited why? WhereasaiI other ciasses in history kept excharigmg
him- their historical positions, the middle classes have come down
PL UDEK: For a game of chess with you- through history untouched, because no ~ther class has ever
MRS PLUDEK: And at the same time- tried to take their position, and so the middle classes never
PL UDEK: To give you advice- had anything to exchange with anybody and have thus
MRS PL UDEK: Just in the way of information- remained the only really permanent force in history. ~d
PLUDEK: How to go about- that's why, dear son, they cement the fragments of history .
MRS PLUDEK: This or that- into one unified whole and indeed create history and make It
PLUDEK: In life- what it is. Hence the most important eras are those ~t have

1 MRS PL UDEK: You know what I mean, don't you. Not even a hag
known how to lean on the middle classes and put all Ideals
would go to the woods without a clamp! into their care, which they then look after as their own,
PLUDEK: Well, have you ever seen a Hussar of Cologne carry before passing them on to the next generation. No era can
\... hemp seed to the attic alone? exist without the middle classes, whereas - on the contrary-

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 THE GARDEN PARTY
the middle classes can exist independently of all eras. And
perhaps even without them altogether. I hope you don't
think one can shoot kites while keeping a stable in Beroun?
There you are! And the only country-
MRS PL UDEK: What time is it?
PL UDEK: And the only country which doesn't need the middle
classes is Japan-
MRS PLUDEK: What time is it?
PL UDEK: And the only country which doesn't need the middle
classes is Japan, because only in Japan are there enough
people-.
MRS PLUDEK: What time is it?
PL UDEK: And the only country which doesn't need the middle
classes is Japan, because only in Japan are there enough
people even without the middle classes. Besides, Japan-
MRS PLUDEK: What time is it?
PLUDEK: Five. Besides, Japan-
MRS PL UDEK: What time was he supposed to come?
PL UDEK: At twelve. Besides Japan - what did I actually want to
say about Japan?
HUGO: You probably wanted to say that if we don't realize in time
the historical role of the middle classes, the Iaps, who don't
need the middle classes, will come, remove them from
history, and send them to Japan.
MRS PLUDEK: At twelve? And what if he doesn't come?
PL UDEK: Quite right, Hugo. Heaven forbid that you should still
;1 be about when that terrible day arrives! (To MRS PLUDEK) If
....,..!! he doesn't come, somebody else will!
;i (Just then the doorbell rings.)
MRS PL UDEK: Nobody will come! Nobody will write! Nobody
will call! We're alone. Alone in the whole world!
HUGO: And there are more and more Japs every day. Did
somebody ring?
(PETER enters.)
MRS PLUDEK: Peter! Go and hide in the pantry! Kalabis is here!
(PETER exits. AMANDA enters.)
PLUDEK: Is something the matter?
8 9
THE GARDEN PARTY
I'here's nothing the matter. Here is a -
\I rI
Nu, telegram!
W 11,go on. Read it!
\I Opens it and reads) DEAR ALBERT, 'CANN~T COME
1"11 Y MUST GO TO GARDEN PARTY OF LIQUIDATION
"IIII.E.
, Have you got it, Ann dear? Are you all nght.
. ~Wh y.~
III 1 . At half past seven. But you'll be there, won't you?
V I KO on? SORRY. HOPING TO SEE YOU SOME OTHER
I I MI • Very much! It does something for your figure! Well,
hv not at the corner where you used to get off! Ab, the
I of nature! Listen, what about a trip to the country this
k nd? GREETINGS YOURS. Come on! You're not made of
, are you? FRANCIS KALABIS.
11 11 won't come! We're finished! Nobody cares for us,
I I' I
I I \I OEK: Stop being hysterical, Albert. If he doesn't come
\11 I ugo, Hugo will go to him!
I 1111 : Where?
I I UDEK: To the garden party.
I '" I : To the garden party! Hugo! Where's your tie - and your
ck t-
NHA: Well, I'd better be going- (Lingers.) Well, goodbye-
I'I.UDEK: Never mind, love. When I was starting out I used
\11 t even smaller parts than this.
N IlA: But those were different times, madam! (Exits.)
I uu .K: I hope Hugo is being careful when she's about!
1'1.UDEK: You do realize, Albert, she's the daughter of a
retaker!
I 11)) K: All the more reason for taking care!
J>L UDEK: You do realize, Albert, what kind of times we
happen to live in!
I I tlJ}EK: Quite! Tomorrow Hugo will take her for a walk!
S PL UDEK: That's right. Hugo! Get your tie - and your jacket
- and run along to the garden party!
111100: I must play the return game. .
I I. fOEK: Did you hear that, Berta? I've been feeding a chipmunk
 THE GARDEN PARTY THE GARDEN PARTY

I •going to study - to organize - to <w:ect~ P~ter! Whe~e are

so long that my pipe fell into the rushes! What if Jaros h
that! To play a return game! When the destiny of man is at Villi off to again? Can't you stay for a while Within the family
stake! The future of a family! It I?
MRS PLUDEK: Father speaks of the family and you don't even (1'1 TliRexits.) We must brace ourselves up again, Bertie! You
bother to stand up? now what I mean! We must soar up from the earth - spread
PL UDEK: Oh no! The times when they used to stand up are gone 11111 wings-in short-live! Yes, live, live, live! We shall start a
Then they were both little, they strolled through the high 11 W and a better life!
grass, chased the butterflies, and we were changing their 111111 : Lentils are lentils and oats are oats. New life? Why the
nappies like the apples of our eyes, we were giving them the \1111 not?
backs of our shirts-
MRS PLUDEK: Never mind, Albert! Hugo! Life is actually a sort
of a big chessboard. Does that mean anything to you? SCENE 2
HUGO: It does, Mum! Without the warp you cannot bury the
woof. Where's my tie? And my jacket? I ,m.me to the garden where the party of the Liquidation Office is
(PLUDEK and MRS PLUDEK are moved and kiss HUGO.) • III place. A CLERK and a SECRETARY, employees of the .
MRS PLUDEK: Our darling little dope! I Ii}'411ll1tionOffice on duty at this entrance, sit at a desk covered WIth
PL UDEK: Dear son! Life is a struggle! And you are a dog! Stone ./, IIIpapers, various rubber stamps, etc. HUGO enters.
walls do not an iron bar! To be or not, aye there's the rub!
Consider the lilies of the valley, they spoil not, neither do 1'1 (I ,ood evening. Lentils are lentils and oats are oats. Is
they tin. You are my son! He who doesn't know how to wa nil ague Kalabis in? .
through the rye must go to Prague for his wits! You're a : Kalabis Josef, bom January znd, 1940, Kalabis Vaclav,
Pludek! Farewell! Or else:'" horn June 18th, 189I,or KalabisFrancis, born August ath,
(PETER
go.)
arrives. HUGO exits. They are all moved and watch hi
, ~;1~Y: KalabisFrancis,bomAugust4th, 1919~haSbeen.~
J( used. He's lecturing tonight at a house commirtee meeung
MRS PLUDEK: I'll drink to you only with mine eyes
For parting is such sweet sorrow 110 the future of mankind.

I could tomorrow and tomorrow I I I K : Do take off your jacket and tie.
o Mother, dear Mother I1 lunARY: You are now at the main entrance Brj. You can buy

One day he will say h re a general ticket which entitles you to move freely
Ihroughout the whole area of the garden and to visit.~ost.all
Home, 0 sweet home
It's here I shall stay- the events organized within the framework of the Liquidation
PL UDEK: (Sings ) You'll take the low road and I'll take the high ffice Garden Party.
road- I I RK: There is for example, an informal chatwith the Head of
MRS PL UDEK: Bertie- the Develo~ment Department about new liquidation
PLUDEK: What?
methods taking place in the area around the Little Pond-
MRS PL UDEK: Do you remember that lovely summer just before I C.RETARY: An
entertaining Quiz Programme on the history of
the war? All the wonderful, mad plans we made then! You the Liquidation Office, taking place in Summerhouse No. 3 -

10 II