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Aladdin Ely–Adult Panto Script

© 2013 Simon Plumb

(Music commences: Eye of the Tiger to announce the entrance of a boxer before
a fight. Mr Woo and The King enter from the back of the room. The King is
wearing boxing gloves, a boxer’s cape and his identity is hidden from the
audience. He is warming up as if he is about to go into a fight. Mr Woo guides
him through the crowd. It would be good to have a spotlight on them both at this
moment. Music subsides when they reach the stage.)’

Mr Woo: Make way, make way for the King! Ladies and gentlemen, my name is
Mr Woo. Good evening!!

Audience: Good evening Mr Woo!!

(Boxer continues to hide his identity and warms up by punching thin air)

Mr Woo: Good citizens of Ely, please welcome on stage…….The King!!

(Hood of cape is pulled back to reveal King Elvis with a ridiculous Elvis wig. Crowd
cheers and laughs, hopefully).

King: Thank you very much!!

Mr Woo: My One King, why are you wearing boxing gloves?

King: Because I am always One King!! Thank you very much.

Mr Woo: Please greet the King by saying after me, ‘One King, One King, we all
love One King!’

Audience: One King, One King, we all love One King!’

King: It’s good to be here. Good evening (home town)!! I’m here till Saturday.
Thank you very much. I have decreed that my gorgeous daughter, Princess
Nymphomania, who is 16 today, is available….

Audience: Cheer!

King: For marriage.

Audience: Boo!

King: There will be a bank holiday to celebrate. (Cheers)

Woo: It will only be a short holiday (Boo)

King: There will be a party at the palace (Cheers)

Woo: You lot aren’t invited (Boo)

King: The pubs will be open all week (Cheers)

Woo: But there is only one pub (Boo)

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King: But the bar is two mile long (Cheers)

Woo: There is only one barmaid (Boo)

King: For each customer (Cheers)

Mr Woo: In this country there’s no sex before marriage.

Audience: Boo.

King: Because it keeps the vicar waiting!

Audience: Hooray!!

King: (Quick burst of an Elvis song before he exits the stage. e.g. ‘A Hunk of
Love).

Mr Woo: My name is Mr Woo. I am a great Fakir. What? What’s up with that? It

means ‘wise man’. So if you come to (your venue) you are always guaranteed a
great Fakir!!

In this show we have a magic lamp but Aladdin will need your help when he rubs
the lamp. You must all chant ‘Harder, harder, faster, faster, yes, yes!

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away – a land east of Peking but north of
Shanghai…….a land called(your town), there lived a handsome, clever boy whose
name was Aladdin, Aladdin Ely (for example). (If possible a silhouette is projected
of an athletic and hunky actor, with a rugby ball). Now Aladdin was very tall and
very good looking, and extremely good at sports, particularly rugby…..(aside)
Who wrote this?

[Enter Aladdin looking a bit weedy]

Aladdin: I am Aladdin. Hello everybody.

Audience: Hello Aladdin.

Narrator: Now Aladdin, (attempting to be macho) is really very clever and

extremely good looking as well as being a very brave boy. He’s such a good
rugby player one day he’ll probably play for England (reads curiously).

Aladdin: Have you met my mother? She’s a wonderful mother to me.

Mr Woo: Now Aladdin was the son of the village bike….I mean village widow. Her
name was Widow Wankey. She ran the local brothel…er … I mean laundrette and
was a very popular lady if you know what I mean. Oh yes she is!

Audience: Oh no she isn’t!

Aladdin: Oh yes she is, my Mother’s almost like a mother to me, my Mother. She
washes my undies once a year whether I need it or not. And she’s a terrific
business woman. She has two legs to her business and the reason she is so
successful is that both her legs are open 24 hrs a day. She’s very popular in the
village. Most of the men have had a full load in my mother’s establishment at
some time or other. (Throws a ball which is on a piece of elastic)

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Mr Woo: Everywhere she went the people would wave and welcome her with the
famous greeting; “Hello Widow Wankey!”

[Enter WW waving suggestively]

WW: Oooo, what a load of wavers. Hello boys and girls!

Audience: Hello Widow Wankey!!

WW: My name is Widow Wankey but you seem to know that already. Especially
you (names a few men in audience she knows intimately). I own the local
laundrette (winks) if you know what I mean. Look at my clean bloomers (Lifts
skirt to reveal filthy underwear). Have you seen my lazy, good for nothing boy
Aladdin? He’s so lazy he’s even got a snooze button on his smoke alarm.

Aladdin: Hello Mother. (shyly) I’ve missed you!

WW: (Grabbing his ear) You naughty, naughty boy. You know times are hard and
we have no money (Evokes an “Ah!” from the audience).

We’ve no food, nothing to drink, the business is in a mess and all you can do is
(spanks bottom) play (spank) with (spank) your (spank) ball (spank)!

I do a nice line in spanking if anyone’s interested

Woo: Unknown to Widow Wankey and Aladdin, fate was about to take a hand
and change their fortune. They were visited that very same day by an evil and
mysterious man by the name of Mustapha. Mustapha Jump! (jumps)

[Enter Mustapha Jump perhaps via a Trampette – that’s a small trampoline as

opposed to a short tart]

MJ: (Aside) Ha, ha, ha! (Audience encouraged to boo loudly) I am the evil and
mysterious Mustapha Jump (jumps). My intentions are both evil and mysterious. I
will pretend to be this boy’s uncle so he will do as I ask, ha, ha, ha!

WW: Ooh, who is this lovely man – he looks so mysterious and evil, and he
seems to like a jump, just my type………

Woo: Widow Wankey was a fair judge of character. Well she would be after all
those men she has…..known (winks).

WW: I wonder what he wants? (Pushing Aladdin forward as she plumps up her
chest and hitches up her skirt).

Aladdin: Good day sir, can my mother wash your underpants for you? She’s
known for her work in men’s underwear.

WW: (Looking coy) Yes, I’ve done big things in men’s trousers haven’t I Mr Woo?
(winks at him). Mr Woo used to be one of my regulars but now he’s whiter than
white and doesn’t visit me any more. It does make me feel blue.

(Cue “Oh Mr Woo - Chinese Laundry Blues” - short version.)

MJ: My boy I am your long lost uncle, Mustapha Jump (jumps) and I will help you
make your fortune.

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WW: (Pushing Aladdin to one side roughly) Ooo, what a rugged, handsome but
slightly ginger man you are. Is there anything I can do for you? (licks lips
suggestively).

MJ: Er, no I don’t think so madam. Don’t you remember me?

WW: There have been so many men. (Aside to MJ) You’re not his father are you?

Aladdin: (catching on) Is this my father?

WW: I’ll admit you are the fruits of my forbidden passion. Which sort of makes
you my forbidden passion fruit!

MJ: No, I am not his father but it is the young, round bottomed schoolboy I am
interested in. You see I know you have no money or food and I can give you your
hearts desire.

WW: I couldn’t possibly release the dear boy. He is worth his weight in gold
(hugs him) – Aah!

MJ: £10

WW: He’s essential to the laundry, I use him to soften the clothes. He’s a real
comfort to me. (kisses him - Aah)

MJ: £20

WW: What would I do with out him? (Aah)

MJ: £30

WW: I couldn’t leave him for a single minute.

MJ: £40

WW: (Pushing Aladdin to MJ) Goodbye dear, have a lovely life! (takes money and
starts counting it)

(Aladdin looks very sad at this point and evokes even more ‘Aah’s’ from the
audience)

Aladdin: (resigned to his fate) How can I help you?

MJ: (Putting an arm around in a child molesting way) You must follow me up that
mountain over there.

Aladdin: My Mother told me to watch out for men who wanted to bring me to a
peak. What mountain?

MJ: The Sunshine Mountain!

[cue song ‘Sunshine Mountain’ or ‘My Momma told me not to come’). [All exit]

Narrator: And so it was the evil and mysterious Mustapha Jump (jump) had his
way with Aladdin…..I’m sorry, that should read – had his way and went with
Aladdin up Sunshine Mountain where they found a secret cave.

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[Enter Aladdin]

Aladdin: You’ll never guess what I found at the top of this mountain?

[Enter MJ]

MJ: Is it a secret cave by any chance?

Aladdin: It’s a secret…..Wow, that’s incredible. How could you possibly know
that?

MJ: Oh, just a lucky guess (looking bored) I suppose.

Aladdin: And it’s got a huge boulder in front of the entrance. How are we ever
going to move it?

MJ: Try this. Swallow these seeds and shout ‘Open Sesame!’

Aladdin: What are they?

MJ: They’re Sesame seeds, (pause) you stupid boy!

Aladdin: My Mother told me never to trust a man who asked me to swallow his
seed. (swallows seeds and shouts) Open Sesame!! (Boulder moves)

MJ: Now Aladdin, go deep into the hole where you’ll find a cave with a thousand
sparkling jewels. But do not be tempted by them. All you must bring to me is the
old lamp you will find in there.

Aladdin: Are you sure? (looking into hole in a worried way) A rusty old lamp? It’s
a long time since I’ve squeezed into a dark passage.

MJ: You don’t know what you’re missing. Just do as I say - the old lamp is all I….
er ….. I mean all you need.

Aladdin: (aside to audience) What a plonker! (exits) Aaaaaaaah (bang) I’m not
there yet. Aaaaah. I’m there now. (Bang)

MJ: Ha, ha, ha!! The poor little fool doesn’t know it is a magic lamp. Ha, ha! And
when I get my hands on it I whip Aladdin to within an inch of his life, slice off his
head, then I’ll have him. Ha, ha, ha!

[Audience to boo and hiss - MJ exits laughing in an evil manner]

[Curtain pulls back to reveal a magnificent cave with a thousand jewels – enter
Aladdin]

Aladdin: It’s so dark in here and spooky. I wish my Uncle Mustapha was with me
(shaking and shouting nervously) Hello!

Echo: Hello, hello, hello!!

Aladdin: It’s an echo. Is there anybody there?

Echo: (in broad scouse) Anybody there, there, there.

Aladdin: Oh, it’s the Liverpool Echo!

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Echo: Echo, echo, echo!

Aladdin: Can you hear me?

Echo: No I can’t, can’t, can’t!

Aladdin: What’s the long range weather forecast?

Echo: It’s raining, raining, pissing down.

Aladdin: Ooo, look. Here is the rusty old lamp Uncle Mustapha asked me to find.
Uncle, I’ve found it but it looks a bit funny.

Echo: Fanny, fanny, fanny.

MJ: (offstage) Good, pass it up to me, boy.

Aladdin: What’s so special about it?

Echo: Tit, tit, tit.

MJ: Just give it here and don’t ask questions.

Aladdin: All these jewels and he just wants a dirty old lamp? (Shouts up) This is
a farce.

Echo: Arse, arse, arse.

MJ: (offstage) Give me the lamp now or I’ll leave you down there forever.

(Aladdin goes to shout back but the echo gets there before him)

Echo: Bollocks, bollocks, bollocks!

(Sound of boulder rolling and blocking the cave)

Aladdin: Let me out, let me out! Oh dear, I’m trapped down here forever and
ever. Now I’ll never see my mother again or marry the Princess like I planned.
Looks like I’m in deep shit!

Echo: Shit, shit, shit.

Old man: (behind curtain) You lucky bastard! (Curtain pulled further back to
reveal old man strung up on wall) You lucky, lucky bastard!

Aladdin: My goodness, who the golly gosh are you?

Old man: Who the ‘ell do you think I am? Lord bloody Lucan? I’m the stupid git
sent down ‘ere by that mysterious and evil Mustapha Jump (attempts to jump but
fails) 10 years ago. But I was caught by Ali Baba and his forty thieves.

Audience: Not Ali Baba and his forty thieves?

Old man: Do you lot know him as well? Yes Ali Baba and his forty thieves, and
they strung me up here like this for rich jewel abuse.

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Aladdin: Don’t you mean ritual abuse?

Old man: You’ve not seen where they shove ‘em, ma laddie.

Aladdin: Who is this Ali Baba and his forty thieves?

Audience: Not Ali Baba and his forty thieves?

Old Man: Oooh, Ali Baba’s an evil, wicked leader of a gang of thieves and cut-
throats. They make the Pirates of the Caribbean look like Dale Winton. These are
his family jewels. Eh, whatever you do, don’t steal any.

Aladdin: How am I going to get out of here?

Old man: You selfish bastard! What about me? If I tell you, you must promise to
unchain me and help me escape as well. You see I want to break free!

(Cue “I want to break free”. Old man steps away from long wig, sack cloth and
false arms and appears on stage in Freddie Mercury outfit. At the end of the song
he goes back into old man mode.)

Old man: Right, to break free we must act fast.

Aladdin: I’m acting as fast as I can.

Old man: You must get hold of the old lamp and rub this hard.

Aladdin: What, this?

Old man: No not that, this! On second thoughts it has been 10 years. No I mean
the lamp!

Aladdin: Are you sure? (starts to rub)

Audience: Harder, harder, faster, faster, yes, yes!

[Puff of smoke – explosion – enter Genie.

Cue song: Gene Genie]

Genie: I am the Genie of the Magic Lamp and I will grant my master any wish
that he desires.

Aladdin: Well bugger me!

Genie: Your wish is my desire (starts to take pants down).

Aladdin: No, no, it was just a figure of speech.

Genie: Well be careful next time oh Master. Just because I’m a Genie doesn’t
mean I have to be straight. (Slips into Frankie Howard) Why do you think I come
in a puff? Oooh, no missus. Don’t!

Aladdin: Righto! Well, first of all Genie, I’d like a willy that touches the ground.

Genie: Master, oooooo, this is something I do not recommend.

Aladdin: Why not?

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Genie: I will have to cut your legs off. (Brandishing a big dangerous sword from
nowhere) But before I do ....(string of Tommy Cooper gags – see the DVD)

Aladdin: OK, OK but there is one thing I need right now.

Genie: Yes oh Master. Whatever your wish, your slave of the lamp will obey.

Aladdin: I wish to be back in my house and so rich and famous that my Mother
can stay out of men’s underwear forever. (fills pockets with jewels and takes
lamp off old man’s neck),

Genie: Oooh, titter ye not, that’s a toughie, but your word is my command!

[Puff of smoke – both disappear leaving old man].

Old man: You utter, utter, utter……

Narrator: Now, if you’re up with the plot, you’ll be aware the Panto’s other
baddie is called Ali Baba and the forty thieves.

Audience: Not Ali Baba and the forty thieves?

Narrator: The very same. This is Ali Baba’s cave and these are his family jewels,
and what a vicious cut-throat he is.

[Enter Ali Baba dressed as a barber with a comb and a pair of scissors in his
hands]

Ali: (In a gay fashion) Ooooh, hello everyone, my name’s Ali Baba, so called
because my name’s Ali……. and I cut people’s hair! I’m a real devil. I kill all the
women and rape all the men.

Narrator: Don’t you mean kill all the men and rape all the women?

Ali: You keep out of this! I had a girl in the other day who said her boyfriend had
dandruff. I said give him head and shoulders, she said ‘how do I give him
shoulders?

I’m terribly famous in these parts, and these parts (points to bottom) and oooh,
these parts (points to crotch). We are known as Ali Baba and the forty thieves.

Now you may not have heard of me but I’m a wizard with hair. I love to run my
fingers through a bushy fringe. All the boys round here will tell you that. I’m good
at straightening, excellent at lengthening, and if you want it putting up I’m your
man.

It’s a great job and the tips are fantastic. We also do waxing. I love waxing, in
fact we have competitions against other salons, we call it the Brazilian Grand Prix!
Would you like to meet my gang? We’re known as Ali Baba and the 40 thieves.

Audience: Not Ali Baba and the forty thieves!

Ali: Yes!! Except times is hard and I’ve had to cut back, snip, snip! I’ve only got
four left. What a bunch of cut-throats! I call them my Scissor Sisters. Would you
like to meet them?

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Audience: Oh no we wouldn’t.

Ali: Oh yes you would.

Audience: Oh no we wouldn’t!

Ali: Well tough titty! I’ve not seen ‘em for a long time so now I’m feeling glad all
over. Come on boys, do your stuff!

[Enter the four thieves singing ‘Feelin’ Glad all over’.)

Ali: These are my henchmen,

Bandits: Bonjour, comment ca va?

Ali: I said Henchmen!

All bandits: Excusez moi!!

Ali: Oh, we think we’re clever are we?

Bandits: Ah oui!! Are we?

Ali: Hang on. Where’s my fourth bandit?

(all bandits look guilty)

Pirate: (stroking his sword) Ah ha, Cap’n, Four coughed it!

Ali: You’re telling me Four coughed?

All bandits: Yeah, He four coughed. Four coughed!!

Ali: Oh dear! Never mind. Tell ‘em what kind of thieves you are?

(All line up, pirate on left, burglar in middle, Mexican on right, coming out of
character and all talk in a dead pan way)

Tall pirate: I am a pirate and I have a galleon. I look down on him.

Middle sized burglar: I look up to him but I look down on him. I am a burglar
and I have a getaway car.

Short Mexican bandit: I know my place. I have a donkey.

Tall pirate: I am a pirate of the Carribean and have Kiera...nightly. I have a

feeling of superiority over him.

Burglar: I am vulgar. I steal and pillage but I seduce women with my rugged
charm. I have a feeling of inferiority over him.

Mexican: I have a donkey!

(all break back into character)

Ali: Now tell ‘em your names?

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Dirty Dick: Ah ha, Cap’n! Shiver me timbers and pieces of eight. I be the pirate,
Dirty Dick, so called - cos me name’s Dick and I be a right dirty bastard.

Ali: Tell them what kind of a bandit you are Dirty Dick?

DD: (Turns to show big hole in his trousers) I be an arse bandit Cap’n. Ah ha!!

(See the DVD for extra lines here)

Ali: Wait a minute; some of my family jewels (grabs crotch) have gone. Have you
been abusing the old man again? (putting on a rubber glove and approaching Old
man threateningly)

Old Man: (screaming) No, no, it was the hero of the pantomime. A right smart-
arse called Aladdin. He discovered the magic lamp and pinched your family
jewels.

Ali: (distracted) I say, who cuts your hair? What a mess. Look at all these split
ends.

Old man: I know! I cannaye do a thing weeyit.

Ali: (starts to cut his hair) Have you been on your holidays then?

Old man: Och naye, I just cannaye seem to get away!

(More lines on the DVD if required)

Ali: Shame. (Remembering the plot) So this Aladdin has stolen my jewels you
say. By now he’s probably so rich and famous the King will let him marry his
daughter the beautiful but enigmatic Princess Nymphomania. The woman I love!

(All bandits look aghast)

Ali: I know, I know. It might sound a bit strange coming from me but there’s
something about her I just can’t put my finger on.

Dirty Dick: ‘Appen we should go and kill that there Aladdin and kidnap yon
princess your evilness, then ye can knick back your jewels and steal your
bride…..concurrently?

Ali: What a fabulous idea. You mean at the same time don’t you?

DD: Be that what concurrently means?

Ali: I knew those two GCSE’s would come in useful….let’s go!

DD: ….and the cycling proficiency! Ah ha!!

(All exit)

Narrator: And so it was the Narrator said ‘and so it was’ one more time. Aladdin
did indeed become very rich and very famous and his mother, Widow Wankey
refurbished her brothel….I mean laundrette! She was so proud of him.

(enter WW dressed in posh clothes....for a transvestite!)

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WW: Hello everybody! (waving)

Audience: Hello Widow Wankey!!

WW: I’m so proud of my boy Aladdin.

Narrator: They know that.

WW: Oh, sorry. He came home with a very large friend the other day and now
we’re so rich ………

Narrator: I was just telling them your new found wealth means that you can re-
stock your ‘laundrette’!

WW: Oh, yes indeedy. Business is booming. I’ve opened up in new premises
(opens legs suggestively) above the Spreadeagle Pub. Seemed appropriate. I
never knew this sort of thing would be so popular in a quiet, leafy little village like
(your town).

Narrator: It doesn’t surprise me.

WW: Would you like to see my new ‘laundrette’, boys and girls (wink, wink)? Oh
no you wouldn’t!

Audience: Oh yes we would!

(Cue: ‘Voulez Vous couches avec moi ce soir?’ Lights change to red, soft
music, curtains open to a sumptuous brothel with soap boxes that read Shag and
Big Boy and a big pot of Crème de la Creme.. Enter two ladies of the night
singing).

WW: Girls, girls, (to audience) these girls are my crème de la crème! Now look
lively and undress your selves a bit. After all, I’m expecting a visit from our very
best customer, The King of all Cambridgeshire!

Girls: Not the King of all Cambridgeshire?

Flagella: Shouldn’t that be the King of all China?

WW: Yes but his car’s broken down. He’s on his way here now and he’ll probably
want his usual.

Girls: Oh no, not his usual.

WW: Oh come on, we needed an excuse to include a pantomime camel.

Sadie: Why can’t he be like all the other men and just have straight sex?

WW: Creases! You mean creases!! Because he’s the King. I’ve got a new girl
starting today so please help her.

(WW exits – enter Nymph singing something terribly innocent like ‘What do you
do about a problem like Nymphomania (Maria)’.)

Flagella: You’re the new girl aren’t you? What’s your name?

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Nymph: Yes I only started today. My name’s Nymphomania and I’m a princess,
but you can call me Your Royal Highness if you like. This is a funny looking
laundrette.

Narrator: This was indeed the King’s daughter, Princess Nymphomania. She was
on work experience. A YTS.

Sadie: A YTS?

Narrator: Yes, a young totty sceme.

Sadie: That should be an OTS!

Flagella: An OTS?

Sadie: Yes, an Old Totty Scheme!

Flagella: My name is Flagella and I’m here to show you the ropes. (cracks whip)

Sadie: And my name is Sadie – Sadie Stick. I’ll soon whip you into shape.

(Sadie takes Nymph off)

(enter WW and Sadie returns)

WW: Hello boys and girls

Audience: Hello Widow Wankey!!

WW: The King is in the building, (shouts off stage) so look sexy girls, I mean
clean! (to audience) As a mark of respect every time the King enters, and it may
be more than once, (winks) you must all hail him like this.

Audience: One King, one King, we all love one King.

King: Hi! Thank you very much.

WW: Oh, great King, why are you so late dearie?

(Cue, briefly: Wise men say only fools rush in)

King: Hi there. Have you got any royalty in you? Would you like some? Widow
Wankey, I’m all shook up. I’ve been travelling for three weeks and my bowels are
uncontrollable.

WW: Oh dear, incontinent?

King: No, just through (neighbouring town).

WW: Would you like to meet my Girls your Lowship? My Crème de la crème.

King: Why do you call them your Crème de la crème?

WW: Why do you think?

Flagella: Meet Mr Whippy!! (cracks whip)

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WW: What would you like today your Royal Flatulence?

King: Oh, I think I’ll just have my usual, Widow……….Wankey.

Girls: Oh no, not his usual.

King: But whatever you do don’t step on my blue suede shoes.

(Cue music. Blue Suede Shoes, no more than 30 secs of this)

WW: Quick your Lowness, it’s your daughter. Hide under my dress.

(The King looks to the side and notices his daughter is about to come on stage.
He hides under WW’s dress.)

WW: Are you all right down there? (looking from side to side)

King: (Cue song: ‘I’m caught in flap’. 2 or 3 lines only). Widow Wankey how
many men have you had?

WW: I beg your pardon?

King: Have you ever shaved? What car do you drive?

WW: I have a small red Volvo.

King: Not from where I’m sitting. Oh, hello! How long have you been down here?

Old Man’s voice offstage: I’ve been down here for ten long years!!

Echo: Year, years, years. (Enter Nymph)

Nymph: (Indignantly) Excuse me but what is all this about the King and a
camel?

WW: A king, a king. What are you talking about my dear? (starts to get agitated)

Nymph: My father doesn’t come here does he?

Sadie: (To Flagella as an aside) Regularly! Like an explosion in a Yakult factory.

King: (peeking from under the dress) How’s that for friendly bacteria?

Nymph: Does he come here?

WW: (screams) Never! (starting to enjoy the Kings attention under her dress)
Stop! Oooh, never stop.

(Nymph turns to face Flagella and WW, with the King under her skirt, sidles off
stage)

Nymph: Good. Mummy would not be amused. What’s all this about a camel?

Flagella: Well, we have a camel called Dobbin.

Nymph: (in a daring way) I smoked a camel once.

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Flagella: What was it like?

Nymph: It doesn’t half hit the back of your throat!

Sadie: Would you like to see Dobbin do tricks girls and boys? Oh no you
wouldn’t!

Audience: Oh yes we would etc.

Flagella: Still be extra. Sadie you’ll have to do a whip round. (Sadie cracks whip)
Right here we go. Dobbin how old are you?

Dobbin: (Bangs hoof on floor 3 times)

Flagella: That’s right, 26. That camel is hung like a donkey.

Camel: (indignantly) Like a bloody donkey? I’m hung like a camel!

Flagella: How big is your willy?

Dobbin: (Bangs each hoof down once.)

Flagella: That’s right, four feet. (stroking his bottom and looking naughty at the
audience). Mmmmmm, what a big boy!

Flagella: Now then Dobbin, your last trick. Die for the King!

(Dobbin lies on his back, legs a kimbo. Licks his own balls….or at least tries to)

Nympho: Why do dogs and camels lick their own balls?

Sadie: Because they can.

King: I wish I could do that.

Sadie: Give him a biscuit and he’ll probably let you.

Dobbin: Not bloody likely!

Nymph: I say Dobbin, why are camels called Ships of the Desert?

Dobbin: ‘Cos we’re full of arab seamen. Well, he is. (nodding to the back)

Back of camel: Not always!!

Flagella: And we know a song about camels don’t we boys and girls? Shall we
practice the chorus?

(Cue music to the ‘Sexual Life of a Camel’)

(Enter Aladdin)

Aladdin: Hi girls, how’s tricks?

Sadie/Flagella: (fawning all over him) Hello Aladdin. Gosh you look handsome
today.

Aladdin: Oh, thank you.

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Flagella: Still playing rugby for England Aladdin?

Aladdin: Yes I am actually.

Sadie/Flagella: Can we do anything for you?

Aladdin: Yes, (fidgeting in his pocket) could you get the wrinkles out of this
please? (brings out a hanky).

(Aladdin and Nymphomania see each other and fall instantaneously in love.

Cue song: ‘I need a Hero’.)

[End of Act I]

Act II
Mr Woo: Are you up with the plot? Oh no you’re not!

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Audience: Oh yes we are!

Mr Woo: Oh no you’re not! If you recall, Aladdin was taken into a deep, dark
cave where he found a Magic Lamp and a gay Genie. He refurbished his mother’s
brothel, I mean laundrette, and has fallen in love with Princess Nymphomania,
the king’s beautiful but enigmatic daughter. But Aladdin is now being pursued by
Ali Baba and his four thieves, sorry three thieves and, no doubt, the evil
Mustapha Jump (jumps). Do you remember? Now back to the pantomime.

[Enter Aladdin singing something sweet possibly]

(Enter WW)

WW: Hello boys and girls!

Audience: Hello Widow Wankey!

WW: Where have you been you naughty boy?

Aladdin: I’ve been to the market.

WW: What were they selling?

Aladdin: Well, they had fruit and custard and jam sponge and sherry.

WW: That’s a trifle bazaar!

(WW exits)

Aladdin: Well, would you believe it, the gorgeous Nymphomania only turns out
to be Princess Nymphomania, the beautiful but enigmatic daughter of the King.
If I could just impress the King perhaps he would let me marry the woman of my
dreams. (rubs lamp)

Audience: Harder, harder, faster, faster, yes, yes!

(Explosion enter Genie)

Genie: I am the Genie of the Lamp and I….

Aladdin: Look, cut the bullshit Genie. I want Princess Nymphomania to marry
me. Any ideas?

Genie: Oh, great master, does this mean it’s all over between you and I? (starts
to cry, dabs eyes with hanky and wrings it out onto the floor). Is it curtains for
us?

Aladdin: Oh, pull yourself together. Ours was just a passing, fleeting thing.

Genie: Fair enough. My master will need to impress the King. You need a palace
of the finest workmanship, a building of such magnificence all in the land will
gaze at it in awe……at it!

Aladdin: How will you achieve that?

Genie: I’ll phone (local builder – sponsorship opportunity!) in the morning.

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(both exit)

Narrator: And so Aladdin got his palace and also persuaded the King he should
marry Nymphomania by threatening to tell her about the camel.

(Princess and Aladdin walk across the back of the set hand in hand.)

They all lived happily over the brush next door but one to the King. For a while all
was well until Mustapha Jump (jumps) joined forces with Ali Baba and his forty
thieves….

Audience: Not Ali Baba and his forty thieves? Boo hiss!!

Mustapha: So let me get this straight. You want to pinch your family jewels back
from Aladdin and to kidnap Princess Nymphomania, and all I want is my rusty old
lamp.

Ali: This is correct, you evil and mysterious man. It’s a shame you’re a ginger. A
good tint would sort it out. Do you have any ideas?

Mustapha: Listen to me, I have a cunning plan (both huddle together and exit
whispering and laughing in an evil way). Ha, ha, ha, ha!!

(Enter Nymphonia)

Nympho: (Sarcastically) Living in sin is such bliss. I’m the happiest woman in all
of Ely, and my Aladdin is such a marvellous rugby player as well.

(Enter MJ and a number of new lamps)

Mustapha: New lamps for old. New lamps for old! Hello pretty lady. Ding dong!

Nympho: Hello you evil and mysterious old man. You’re going to find this hard to
believe, (aside to audience) but its crucial to the plot, (back to MJ) but my fiancé
has an old flame he keeps rubbing. In fact that’s all he does. Will you swap it
please?

MJ: Of course your Royal Beatifulness. Anything to oblige (She hands him the
lamp and he laughs wickedly) Ha, ha, ha!

Ali: Princess Nymphomania, my love, my gorgeousness, I have come to take you

away from all this and to give you a damn good seeing to. How’s about it?

Nymphonia: (looking behind her as if he was talking to someone else) Me? No,
never you dirty, horrible bottom burglar. Keep away from me. I hate you, I hate
you!

Ali: I suppose a jump’s out of the question then? (All jump!)

MJ: So, now I have the Magic Lamp. Ha,ha,ha! (rubs it)

Audience: Harder harder, faster, faster, yes, yes!

(Explosion and Genie appears)

Genie: I am the Genie of the Magic Lamp and I will grant my master any wish
that he desires.

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MJ: Take us far off, the Princess, Ali Baba and this palace to a far off land, far, far
away so Aladdin can never find us, ‘cos its far off. Ha, ha, ha!

Genie: Your wish is my command. I’ll phone Pickfords (removal company –

another sponsorship opportunity) in the morning.

(All exit)

Narrator: When the King found out what had happened the shit really hit the
fan. What do we all say when the King enters?

(Enter King farting)

Audience: One King, one King, we all love one King!

King: (Carrying a fan) Look at this fan, the shit has really hit it!!
My beautiful but enigmatic daughter has been kidnapped and your palace has
vanished Aladdin. Are you lonesome tonight?

(Cue: ‘Are you lonesome tonight?’ One minute only)

Aladdin: Please give me a chance your Royal Shortness. Give me your sailing
ship and two of your very best slave drivers and I will sail off in search of my
Princess.

King: Very well. (claps hands) Here are the two slave drivers you need. Flagella
and Sadie.

(Both enter, one with a whip, the other with drum)

King: And here is my Galley ship full of galley slaves. All those sitting in the
bowels of the ship, yes you lot, are all are chained to oars, and all those standing
up on the top deck are their cruel, sadistic task-masters. Not far from the truth
that!

Aladdin: I see, in that case all lean forward with the oar in your hands. Not that
kind of an whore, sir. Then shout ‘In’ and ‘Out’ as you go back and to (practice)
in time with the drum.

All you task-masters at the back are to shout abuse and orders at the filthy scum
below decks. Proceed. (practice) Good! Now let’s put it all together.

(Whip is cracked, the drum is beaten water is splashed over the audience. All
exit)

Narrator: It was obvious Aladdin was not going to get very far on the King’s
galley ship. But before the Magic Lamp was stolen from him Aladdin had
requested of the Genie, a Flying Carpet !

Audience: Ooooooooh/aaaaaaaaah!! (signs appear from side of stage)

Narrator: And this was how he now travelled.

(Curtains open to reveal Aladdin flying across the stage on Flying carpet singing
‘Come fly with me’.)

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Narrator: Eventually the Flying Carpet took him to where the Palace and the
Princess were being kept.

Genie: (Tommy Cooper piece. This is a series of Tommy Cooper gags which have
absolutely no bearing on the plot but when delivered well always go down a
storm)
e.g. A builder once said to me ‘I want a skip outside my house’. I said, well I’m
not stopping you!

Narr: Then Aladdin came across Mustapha Jump, but he apologised and wiped
him down with a damp cloth.

(Enter Aladdin from one side and Mustapha from another)

MJ: Ha, ha, ha! Now I have the lamp I have no more use for Aladdin. Ha, ha, ha!
I will use the genie to turn him into something more useful.
(To Aladdin) Aladdin, would you like to see some magic?

Aladdin: Would we boys and girls?

Audience: Oh no we wouldn’t! etc

Aladdin: What kind of magic can you do Uncle Mustafa…Jump? (jumps)

MJ: Ladies and Gentlemen the Genie is not the only one that can do magic. I am
a regular visitor to his magic circle! We will now perform the famous Mind Swap
experiment!

Audience: Oooooooh!

Aladdin: Mind swap experiment? That sounds very difficult Uncle Mustapha …
(pauses for Jump but it doesn’t come) Has he ever done it before?

MJ: Oh yes, on about 7 occasions.

Aladdin (cautiously): And did it work?

MJ: Err no. Prepare yourself boy.

Aladdin: Uncle Mustafa I don’t think I like the sound of this!

MJ: Houdini, Daniels, David Nixon,

Turn this boy into a buxom vixen
Tommy Cooper, in a funny hat
I’ll show you an arse, JUST LIKE THAT’

(FLASH BANG! Aladdin disappears)

(Curtains open to reveal an attractive Arse! Please take a look at the DVD to see
how this is done. It is hilarious!!)

MJ: Oh no Genie, you got it wrong again! Who the hell are you?

Arsladdin: I’m not exactly sure. You seem to have turned me into that famous
football manager Arsene Wenger, or perhaps the ex United player Nicky Butt!!!

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MJ: Oh sorry I thought you were Botticelli (laughs). Anyway why do you look so
fed up? You’ve got a face like a smacked bum!

Arsladdin: Look, stop making me the butt of all your jokes! I don’t want to be a
prisoner in here. I’ve been inc…arserated!

MJ: I will try but you have to be in the right mood before I can give the magic
another crack! Ha Ha Ha!

MJ: How are you feeling?

Arsladdin: Actually I am feeling rather tired. (Starts to yawn)

MJ: Oh no, for Gods sake don’t yawn! Here, have a cigar!

Arsladdin: Hey Mustafa …Jump (jumps) Have you seen her in the front row?

MJ: What her?

Arsladdin: Whoar yes, she’s a bit tasty isn’t she? Come here love, give us a kiss!

(Enter Nymphomania)

Nympho: You’ve got a damn cheek (grabs lamp back from MJ). Harder, harder,
faster, faster, yes, yes. Right Genie, bring my Aladdin back to where he came
from.

Genie: Spell my arse.

MJ: A.R.S.E.

Genie: Abracadabra, what have you done?

I’ll get Aladdin out of this bum.

(Small explosion, enter Aladdin who hugs Nymphomania lovingly, and they exit)

Genie: (Tommy Cooper monologue - this gives everyone a bit more time to get
ready for the final raunchy scene)

Nympho: Now Genie, help us escape by taking Aladdin and I back to Widow
Wankey’s Palace. I’m in the mood for some steamy action in Widow Wankey’s
famous Steam Room!!

Genie: OK I’ll grant you your final wish.

Abracadabra, if this is what your wish is

For the sake of the panto, here’s some lads for the missus!

(Cue: Hot Stuff finale. Curtains open to reveal Laundrette scene where all the
men are in towelling robes. This will be choreographed for all to disrobe through
the song.)

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Cue medley of songs to finish the Show. Potential songs: Gene Jeanie, Glad all
over, etc see DVD.)

Ends to rapturous applause

© 2013 Simon Plumb

© 2013 Simon Plumb