Practical

NeuroWisdom
NeuroLeadership

5
Brain-Changing
Steps to Increase
Self-Esteem and
Thrive on Criticism

by Linda Cassell
Practical NeuroWisdom

NeuroLeadership
5 Brain-Changing Steps
to Increase Self-Esteem
and Thrive on Criticism
by Linda Cassell

This book is dedicated to Charles, Julie, and Bill,

whose love sustains me; to my clients who are simply
remarkable and from whom I learn so much; and to my
parents, Arthur and Jeanne Wernick. You taught us
well. The kids are doing fine.

And, a very special thank you to Mark Waldman, a

most extraordinary teacher, mentor, and coach whose
brilliance and compassion have inspired me to explore
my own NeuroWisdom journey.
 This book is part of the Practical NeuroWisdom series by
NeuroCoach Press and VanBuren Publishing, designed to bring
you evidence-based, neuroscientific approaches to practical
issues and help you improve your life through the power of brain
science.

Check out the entire series at

http://vanburenpublishing.com/practical-neurowisdom

MINI BOOKCLUB
Find other great mini-ebooks at
VanBurenPublishing.com

This book is copyright © 2018 by Linda Cassell, Mark Waldman and Van
Buren Publishing. All Rights Reserved.

Version 1.0 (First Edition)

Managing Editor: Mark Waldman
Design: Van Buren Publishing
Cover: Van Buren Publishing

1171 S. Robertson #124

Los Angeles, CA 90035
www.VanBurenPublishing.com
Forward
As a leader, do you go for impact or approval?

The honest answer is probably “both.”

Everyone likes to receive approval, likes to be liked, and likes to be

praised. That’s human nature. However, those leaders who “need” praise,
who “need” to be liked, who “need” approval, can do great damage to the
organization. Their addiction to praise results in bad decisions,
compromising employees for personal gain, and violating company core
values.

On the other hand, leaders who are overly fearful of criticism can be just
as damaging. They have a difficult time holding people accountable,
confronting conflict, or making decisions in a timely, decisive manner.

The late Katharine Graham and former publisher of The Washington Post
said, “Although at the time I didn't realize what was happening, I was
unable to make a decision that might displease those around me. For
years, whatever directive I may have issued ended with the phrase, 'If it's
all right with you.' If I thought I'd done anything to make someone
unhappy, I'd agonize.”

It doesn’t have to be this way. Women (and men) don’t have to agonize
over every decision. They don’t have to constantly look in the rear-view
mirror to see who might be “after” them.

Praise. Criticism.

How do we as leaders resist the allure of praise and the fear of criticism?

Read this e-book and learn five powerful brain-based, NeuroLeadership

strategies that can help you make decisions and take actions that are in
the best interest of your organization and in alignment with your most
deeply held values. When practiced consistently, they will enhance your
performance as a leader and set you free to follow your own best instincts.
NeuroLeadership &
Enhancing Performance
In her book, Playing Big, Practical Wisdom for Women who want to Speak Up, Create, and
Lead, Tara Mohr talks about the debilitating effect that praise and criticism can have on
creativity, a necessary ingredient for successful leaders.

Criticism, yes, but what could be problematic about receiving praise?

Receiving frequent and enthusiastic praise for your work can be a wonderful thing! It can build
self-confidence. It can make you feel invincible, willing to try anything.

But if you become addicted to praise it can steal your purpose and your passion. Suddenly every
action is determined by “Will they still like me if I do this?”

Functioning like this for too long becomes draining and exhausting. You get headaches.
Stomach aches. Your authentic self is no longer showing up. Instead, the part of your personality
that needs the praise becomes the driver and the real you, the unique you, takes a back seat.

On the other hand, criticism can have a similar and even more devastating effect if you become
obsessed with it and become too attached. One negative comment can be enough to stop us
stone cold and never again, do anything without considering “all of the angles…..” If I take this
action will I make someone mad? If I offer a different view point, will I be seen as too
aggressive? Offensive?”
Letting go of being overly attached to the opinions of others isn’t easy. After all, there is nothing
wrong with savoring praise. It feels good.

What if it’s not the “need for praise” but the “fear of criticism?”

I once worked with a lovely, brilliant woman, beautiful inside and out, whose warm personality
made her a favorite with her management team. When she was given the opportunity to
advance to a more senior level, she was overcome with anxiety.

Why, I asked, are you not jumping up and down, bubbling over with happiness? She told me,
“It’s a much more public position. I must give presentations, reports, and speeches to the
company’s key stakeholders, and if I fail, their criticisms can cost me my career.”

After working together and exploring the fear, she suddenly said, “Little Johnnie Evil!”

And who was “little Johnnie Evil?”

She recalled that in sixth grade, “little Johnnie Evil” sat in the back of the classroom making fun
of her as she gave a book report. She became so flustered and self-conscious, she couldn’t
finish. Bursting into tears, she ran out of the room and refused to return to class for the rest of
the day. That happened at age 12. She was now 45.

Our human brain is biased towards remembering the negative. We can get 100 enthusiastic
comments and one negative. Which one do we focus on? The negative.1

Why?

Events from our past, “top down influences,” that carry unresolved emotional issues or memories
of physical pain can continue to shape how we interpret our currently reality. They become
“engrained brain states.” For example, get hit because you crossed the street when the light was
green, it is likely that you will never do that again. That’s survival. However, if we allow “little
Johnnie Evil’s” reactions to our sixth grade book report prevent us from having a thriving career
as a public speaker, we become enslaved to our history. We miss out on the joys of a dynamic
life rich with possibilities for growth and discovery. 2

So how can you take control of the driver’s seat and become detached from praise and criticism,
allowing you to lead authentically, taking in the opinions of others in a way that is helpful and
healthy?

• Practice mindfulness. Experience the present, noticing what is happening around you
and within you, without judgment. It is the latter that is often the most difficult and the
most important. Why? Mindfulness is the antidote to interrupting negativity, the brain’s
default position. We must consciously retrain our brains to change this neural habit.
 • Immerse yourself in NeuroLeadership, using the newest brain research to improve your
and your team’s performance, especially when under stress.

Finally, try these five brain-changing steps to help achieve a constructive relationship with praise
and criticism.
1
It’s Just your Right Pre-Frontal Cortex
Doing its Thing!
Your right pre-frontal cortex protects you from getting hurt, embarrassed, and shamed. So, if the
thought of negative criticism slows you down or literally stops you in your tracks, know that this is
not “you.” It’s just your right pre-frontal cortex doing what it is supposed to do. 3

When you are mindfully aware of this, you can take back control. You can say, “Okay, Ms.
Pessimist, I appreciate what you are trying to do for me, but I have this one covered. You can go
home now.” That may sound funny but talking to your right pre-frontal cortex, saying “thank you
but no thank you,” can help you regain the courage to be you. As an adult, you no longer have to
be governed by that part of your brain. You are a free agent.

Example: Your board chair, in her annual performance review of your work,
gave high marks for your ability to execute, to act strategically, and to think
creatively. She said that the board values your leadership and believes that
you are the right person to take the company to its next level of growth. The
one area that needs your attention is a tendency to become impatient with or
intolerant of staff who are not as quick as you’d like to grasp a new concept;
this can inhibit creative thinking and affect morale. However, overall, on a
scale of 1 to 5, you rated a 4.5 and were rewarded with a significant raise.
Did you rush home to share the good news with your family? Did you relish your Chair’s
statement that the entire board has faith in your leadership? You did not. Instead, your right pre-
frontal cortex, the worry wart part of your brain, went into overdrive. You spent a sleepless night,
filled with anxious thoughts of “what is the staff saying about me? What did she base this on?
What if I can’t turn this around? Do they think I am insensitive? How widespread is this
perception?”

NeuroTip: Change the conversation. Turn down the

volume on the right prefrontal cortex, your worry wart,
and turn up the volume on the left pre-frontal cortex, your
inner optimist:

• First, mindfully engage in positive self-talk. Tell yourself, “You got a 4.5 out of 5. The
entire board supports your leadership. You are very good at acting strategically and
thinking creatively.” Self-talk, especially when you speak in the second person, is a
powerful tool to calm your mind. 4
• Secondly, ask questions. Our brains love to answer questions. Once you have changed
your focus to the positive and your anxiety begins to subside, ask yourself: “If it is true
that I am too impatient with staff, what would change if I relaxed, if I allowed people more
time to adapt or learn new skills?” Asking the question from a state of relaxation, without
self-judgment, may help you to gain new insights that will improve your leadership.
..

2
What’s the One Percent Truth?
Evaluate the feedback you receive. What resonates? What makes sense to you? What will make
your work better, stronger, more effective?

Neuro Tip: A relaxed mind is a receptive mind. If you want

to learn from criticism, relax. Shift from a state of anxiety,
which will inhibit your ability to learn and reflect, to one of
relaxation.

Find a comfortable sitting position. Slowly stretch, yawn, and close your eyes. Think of
something, someone, some place that instantly brings a smile to your face. In your mind’s eye,
see the image as vividly as possible. Where were you? How did you feel? Who was with you?
Holding onto the image, slowly open your eyes and ask your intuition, “What do I most need to
learn from this?” Immediately write down whatever comes to mind. Don’t filter or judge your
thoughts. Don’t worry if something doesn’t immediately make sense. From this state of
relaxation, you may gain new insights that can help you improve your leadership skills.
3
When You Choose to Play Big
You Will Not Be an Overnight Success
You will not be an overnight success. You will miss the mark more times than not. You will fall.
You will get up. As Dr. Brene Brown says, “If you decide to walk into the arena, and dare greatly,
you’re going to get kicked around.” It hurts but you will heal. It is part of playing big but look at
the payoff---you will express that part of your brilliant, genius self that you and the world have
been waiting for and the results will be breathtaking!

Neuro Tip: Criticism can sting. If you find yourself

ruminating over a remark or a reaction that is especially
painful, the repetitive negative memory can impact your
ability to make decisions, to solve problems, or to listen
deeply.

How to interrupt the rumination?

Become a keen observer of your mind. Pay attention to the inner chatter, without judgment. Ask
yourself: How is that thought helping me? If it is, keep it! If it’s not, delete and replace it with
three positive statements. This simple technique is based on findings by renowned researcher,
Dr. Barbara Fredrickson. She found that individuals who have a 3:1 positivity ratio (three positive
thoughts for every negative thought) “build the enduring personal resources upon which people
draw to navigate life’s journey with greater success.”
4
Feedback Doesn’t Tell You About You,
It Tells You About the Person
Giving You the Feedback
During his lifetime, Vincent Van Gogh’s work was not widely appreciated. Did his critics’
feedback reflect on the quality of his art? Apparently not since more than a hundred years after
his death, his paintings hang in the world’s most prestigious museums. What the feedback did
reveal, however, was what personally appealed to his critics at the time, not the value of his art.
However, feedback should not be summarily dismissed. Suppose you are writing a book
intended to appeal to women whose husbands died at a young age. You circulate a draft to a
segment of your audience. Their comments indicate that your message does not resonate. This
is critical information. It provides an opportunity to learn where and why you are missing the
mark with the people you want to buy your book. Don’t dismiss feedback. Be strategic about the
take-a-aways that are relevant and then determine how you can use them. 5

Neuro Tip: Carol S. Dweck, Ph.D. and author of “Mindset,

The New Psychology of Success,” states that her research
reveals that the “view you adopt for yourself profoundly
affects the way you lead your life.”

I would add that it also affects how you deal with feedback.

Do you see yourself as someone with limited intelligence (a fixed mindset) and, therefore,
someone who must continually prove to yourself and others that you are up to the challenge?

Ask yourself if there is something in your past that you think measured you, such as failure to get
into law school, being passed over for a promotion, or failing a critical test? If you answered yes,
this kind of experience can shape how personally you react to feedback and how open you are
to examining it from an emotionally neutral place that will allow you to ask: “What is there here
for me to learn?”

To free yourself of a painful memory that continues to prevent you from playing big, try this
exercise:

• Recall the painful memory. Focus on the rejection/criticism. Sit with it. Feel all the
emotions that the memory brings up. Then, let it wash through you. Release it.
• Now, look at the rejection through the lens of a growth-mindset, one that believes you are
fully capable of learning new skills and thriving on challenges. Examine the experience
with the understanding that it doesn’t define your intelligence.
• Then, ask: “What can I learn from that? How can I use it as a basis for growth?” Savor
the answers. With these new insights, revisit the feedback. What has changed? How is
your reaction different? 6
5
Feedback Has the Biggest Sting
When it Reflects Something
We Believe About Ourselves
Negative comments that you know are not true have much less bite. You may not like them, but
you don’t ruminate on them. You move on. However, say something that reflects a deep-seated
fear about who you are, what you do, and your ability to do it and those words seem seared into
your heart. A colleague makes a remark that your team doesn’t seem to function well. That
strikes a nerve and a long-held belief that there is something lacking in your ability to marshal
the forces and get everyone on the same page. We adopt (usually unconsciously) a more
authoritarian way of leading. “Everyone will do this or else.”

The result? Resentment from the team and alienation from your authentic self.

If you don’t believe that you are loveable, and someone says something that reinforces that
belief, and you are not tuned into your own internal dialogue, those comments can spark a
craving for acceptance. One that will find you looking for love in all the wrong places. The result?
A broken heart. Unsatisfactory relationships.

This is not dissimilar from the theory that says when you have a visceral dislike of someone,
chances are that person is reflecting parts of your personality that you don’t like and haven’t
accepted. That’s why people who know themselves and accept themselves as they are (even
the parts they don’t like) without judgment, are less likely to be judgmental of others.
The same is true of feedback. If you feel the sting, ask yourself, “where in my life have I heard
this before? What experiences have I had with this? Do I believe this about myself? Is this belief
based on fear of failure or is there some truth? How can I learn from it?”

Neuro Tip: You stepped into the arena. You have big
dreams. Big goals. How do you keep the sting of negative
criticism from stopping your progress? How do you find
the motivation to continue?

Our brains thrive on clarity. Clearly define your dreams

and goals. Develop an implementation plan, and a system
to monitor actions taken and progress made. Use this
seven-step Daily Commitment Sheet. 7

Step One: Identify Your Goal

Close your eyes, get comfortable, deeply relax and ask your intuition: “What goal do I want to
accomplish in the next 24 hours?” Several ideas may emerge. Select the one that most
resonates and write it as succinctly as possible. Note: It should be something that you can easily
accomplish. Why? This is how you train your pre-frontal lobe to focus and persist.

Step Two: Identify a Core Value

Close your eyes again and deeply relax. Ask your intuition: “What inner value will help me
achieve this goal?” Mindfulness? Kindness? Calmness? Optimism? Whatever the value, write it
down. Set an alarm to remind you to reflect on this value throughout the day.

Step Three: Identify Obstacles and Problems

Remaining in a deeply relaxed state, visualize your goal as sharply and completely as possible.
Then, see yourself having accomplished the goal. Savor the feeling of victory. Next, ask yourself
what might interfere. What might get in the way of this accomplishment? Envision the obstacle
and write it down. This process of mental contrasting will simultaneously energize you and
reduce stress, thereby deepening your commitment to your goal.

Step Four: Create a Solution

As you visualize the obstacle, deeply relax and ask your intuition for a simple solution. Write it
down. Close your eyes again. Now, see yourself overcoming the obstacle and moving ahead.
Step Five: Use Affirmations
Repeating self-affirming statements throughout the day reduces stress, strengthens the
decision-making circuits in the brain, and enhances self-esteem. For example, if you chose
“optimism” as your value, you could say, “I choose optimism;” “I breathe in the energy of
optimism;” or “optimism runs through my veins.” Choose the statement and/or vocabulary that
most resonates with you and repeat, repeat, repeat!

Step Six: Acknowledge Daily Accomplishments

Before you go to sleep, write down three accomplishments or three things that you did well, big
or small. You might write, “I organized my desk before leaving the office;” “I applied for a new
position;” “I made an appointment with the board chair to discuss my performance evaluation.”
Mindfully reflect on each one, savoring the sense of accomplishment.

Step Seven: Keep a Gratitude List

Want a fast, simple way to transcend into a positive state of mind? Ask yourself: “What am I
grateful for? Who am I grateful for?” Write down three things. Notice and savor the sense of well-
being that begins to well-up as you mindfully reflect on each one. Take these gentle thoughts to
bed with you and prepare for a night of peaceful sleep.
S
Summary
Whether it is praise or criticism, feedback for women who play and dream big is part of the
journey.

And look what happens in the arena of big dreams! We act on that long-held desire of starting
our own business. We dare to apply to run the department or to lead the company. We get out
the book proposal that’s been locked away in a file and send it to an agent. We become self-
actualized, a concept identified by psychologist Abraham Maslow. What does that mean? We
say yes to that inner voice that says, “Express fully who you are. Let your being shine.”

Above all, remember the words of Vincent van Gogh, “If you hear a voice within you say 'you
cannot paint,' then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced."

The world is waiting. Start painting!

 Practical NeuroWisdom
NeuroLeadership

About the Author

Linda Cassell is a certified NeuroLeadership Coach,
speaker, and culture strategist. Her coaching practice
focuses on personal and leadership development.
She uses evidence based strategies, the latest
neuroscience research, and mindfulness techniques
to help clients reduce stress and increase
productivity. She produced and co-hosted The Art of
Joyful Living, one of Blog Talk Radio’s most popular
programs, and her work has been cited in The Linda Cassell
Washington Post and The Chicago Tribune.

http://www.quantumleapcoachingandtraining.com/
http://LindaCassell.com

Would you like to improve your leadership performance

through the power of neuroscience?

If there is one thing that my clients have in common, it is that they want something better
for themselves and they are determined to create positive change to get it. In my
experience, mindfulness techniques, brain-based, and evidence-based strategies are
the fastest and most efficient way to create new habits and ways of being that support
the change you seek.

My coaching packages center around leadership development, personal development,

and culture change.

Each package is customized to fit your needs. Please email me at

Linda@quantumleapct.com or call 202-362-1504 to set up a time to explore what might
be best for you. I look forward to connecting with you!
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Bibliography & Footnotes

i Newberg and Waldman, Words Can Change Your Brain. (USA: Penguin Group, Inc. 2012.) 24-25.
ii Daniel J. Siegel, The Mindful Brain (W.W.Norton & Company, Inc. 2007.) 134-137.
iii Waldman and Manning, Neurowisdom, the New Brain Science of Money, Happiness, and Success.
(Diversion Books, 2017.) 112
iv Srini Pillay, Tinker, Dabble, Doodle, Try. (New York: Ballantine 2017) 19.
v Tara Mohr, Playing Big, Practical Wisdom for Women who want to Speak Up, Create, and Lead.
(Avery 2015) 101.
vi Carol S. Dweck, Mindset, The New Psychology of Success. (New York: Balantine 2016) 6. Grow
your Mindset…. Carol S. Dweck, Mindset, The New Psychology of Success (Balantine 2016) 53.
vii Waldman and Manning, NeuroWisdom, The New Brain Science of Money, Happiness, and
Success. (Diversion Books 2017)126.