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When Jane fell in love with Richard, she knew she had found her
prince. At six feet three inches, Richard's 195 pounds were as
lean and muscular at age 23 as they had been when Jane admired
him on the basketball court in high school. Ruggedly handsome,
Richard was the strong, silent type, which only made him more
intriguing to Jane. Dates with Richard felt exciting, and when
he held her in his arms the passion level went right off the
scale.
"You know, Bob," she said. "I've meant to tell you for a long
time how much I appreciate your hugs. It's nice to meet a man
who likes to do that."
"Well, then, come here!" he laughed and gave her another hug
and a little kiss on the cheek.
Jane tried to act calm, but that little peck started her heart
pounding. It continued pounding in the following weeks as she
started receiving little notes from Bob. They were always
tasteful and sweet. One said, "Good morning! Hope your day is
full of blessings. You're a fine person and you deserve the
best. Your friend, Bob."
A hug can say any and all of the above. Men need to understand
how strongly women desire these affirmations. FOR THE TYPICAL
WIFE, THERE CAN HARDLY BE ENOUGH OF THEM.
Most women love to hug. They hug each other, they hug
children, animals, relatives -- even stuffed animals. I'm not
saying they will throw themselves into the arms of just anyone:
They can get quite inhibited about hugging if they think it
could be misinterpreted in a sexual way. But the rest of the
time, across most countries and cultures, women hug and like to
be hugged.
Men must get through their heads this vital idea: WOMEN FIND
AFFECTION IMPORTANT IN ITS OWN RIGHT. They love the feeling
that accompanies both the bestowal and reception of affection,
but IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH SEX. Most of the affection they
give and receive is not intended to be sexual. You might
better compare it to the emotions they exchange with their
children or pets.
/----------------------------------------\
| When it comes to sex and affection, |
| you can't have one without the other! |
\----------------------------------------/
My needs for protection, approval and care are not the same as
hers, nor are they met in similar ways. I've had to discover
these differences and act accordingly. For example, when we
stroll through a shopping center, it is important to her that
we hold hands, something that would not occur to me naturally
or automatically. She has encouraged me to take her hand, and
I'm glad to do so, because I know she enjoys that and it says
something she wants to hear.
Some husbands don't feel too happy at first when I explain that
affection is the ENVIRONMENT of the marriage, and sex is an
EVENT. But even the most sex-hungry husband will agree that
you can't have sex ALL the time. You should, however, have
affection all the time, because it forms the canopy that
lovingly covers a marriage and provides shelter for the lover's
couch.
Some men don't find it easy. They want to know if they have to
go back to the "just take a cold shower" routine they got when
they were courting their wives. I reply that they need not
take the cold showers, but it wouldn't hurt to remember how
they acted toward their wives when they dated. They showed
plenty of affection and attention then. The usual routine
included dinner and perhaps a show or some other form of
entertainment. Throughout the evening the young man treated
the young lady with respect and tenderness. On the way home
they often stopped to park and admire a lovely view. He
slipped his arm around her and both of them seemed to enjoy the
physical contact that followed.
In the typical affair, a woman has sex with a man after he has
demonstrated his love for her by showering her with affection.
Because her lover has expressed such care for her, the physical
union is usually characterized by a degree of ecstasy otherwise
unknown to the woman in her marriage.
Many husbands have this all backwards. Because they can become
aroused without giving it a thought, they think women can too.
Most women give sex quite a bit of thought and usually give
themselves permission to become sexually aroused. Customarily
they make a deliberate, conscious decision.
CONSIDER TOGETHER:
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Write out a list of which ones you want, and enclose the list
with your return address and a check or money order in an
envelope addressed to: