Dressed for Success: Scintillating Speech

(Ephesians 4:29)

Proverbs 12:18 says, “18) There is one whose rash words are like sword
thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” It matters what we say
and how we say it. Our speech has such power. It can bring pain or healing.

One intemperate woman justified her tantrums by saying, “Yes, I lose my

temper, but it is over quickly.” To which the famous evangelist Billy
Sunday replied, “So is a shotgun blast!” Both leave devastation in their
wake! Leadership magazine recently reported that 90% of the friction in
daily life – 90% folks – is caused by the wrong tone of voice. So – may I
respectfully ask you to consider this morning – what trails in your wake?

Last week we began to look at Ephesians 4:29 where Paul addresses the
clothing of speech. He says we are to take off unwholesome speech and put
on uplifting speech because in the process, we give the gift of grace. Last
week we looked at what we need to take off – unwholesome speech. We
covered some of the many categories – cursing, crudity, calumny (innuendo
or slander), complaining, cantankerousness, and criticism. Now today, we
want to look at the Uplifting speech we are to put on and the reason why.

I. Put on: Uplifting Speech

A tourist was spending the night in a small New England town. After three
minutes spent seeing all the sights, he found that the general store was
open. Four men were seated around the Franklin stove – wordless – just
rocking back and forth. The tourist watched for 10 minutes and finally
asked, “Is there a law against talking in this town?” One of the men said,
“Nope. But we have an understanding. Nobody speaks unless he’s
absolutely sure it can improve on silence!” Now, the question is – what
would it take to make sure that our speech is an improvement on silence?
That it is scintillating! Let’s look at our text – Ephesians 4:29, “Let no
corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for
building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” I
see two positive elements here – scintillating speech builds up and is
befitting or appropriate.

A. Speech that Builds Up

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The word which is translated “for building up” is used 18 times in the NT –
and 15 of those 18 times it is translated building or structure – like in Mark
13:1 where the disciples from Galilee point out the temple to the Lord and
say, “Look, Teacher, what wonderful stones and what wonderful
buildings!” It takes planning and purpose to construct a building. You
don’t just toss material in a pile any which way. So, when applied to
people, it speaks of making a purposeful contribution to someone that will
enhance, improve, make them stronger – build them up spiritually.

So – ask yourself, have my words the past week or month been building
people up or tearing them down? Have I been encouraging or
discouraging? Would I be happy for people to know what I’ve said behind
their back? Acid test – do people feel better for having been around me, or
do they go away discouraged and perhaps even avoid me? God cares
deeply about the answers to these questions and so must we. God is dead
serious about our speech – every idle word will be noted – along with those
which are gracious.

Paul wrote in disappointment in II Cor 12:20, “For I fear that perhaps when
I come I may find you not as I wish, and that you may find me not as you
wish—that perhaps there may be quarreling, jealousy, anger, hostility,
slander, gossip, conceit, and disorder.” These folks had a speech disorder!
It was devastating to their church. The Bible says, “Whoever belittles his
neighbor lacks sense, but a man of understanding remains silent” (Prov
11:12). At the end of the day, disparaging speech says a lot more about
the speaker than it does about the one being criticized. To be
condescending or critical is to demonstrate stupidity, and everyone will
know it but you! God surely will know.

A lady boarded a plane after a busy week, hoping to get some rest. Her
seatmate started a long-winded conversation about his actuarial business,
insinuating that as a woman she probably wouldn’t understand his job. He
then asked her what she did for a living. With a smile she simply said, “I’m
a brain surgeon.” The remainder of the trip was very quiet. No one likes to
be talked down to. You say, “But I’m right.” And I would answer, “So
what?” God didn’t say it’s okay to belittle if you are right. In belittling
others, we demonstrate our own stupidity. God says, “Don’t be an idiot.
Hold your silence or find a constructive, uplifting, encouraging way to say
what you have to say.” Rock your world! Be uplifting!

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“Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good
for building up” So – how do we do this? How do we build up with our
speech? First, last and always – we speak God’s words. God says in Deut
6:6-10 ,” 6) And these words that I command you today shall be on your
heart. 7) You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of
them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when
you lie down, and when you rise. 8) You shall bind them as a sign on your
hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. 9) You shall write
them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.” Do you sense that
God wants His Word known in every home? Do you sense that He wants
us to memorize it, meditate on it, live it? The first step in putting on
uplifting speech is – know the Word. Make it a lifelong pursuit. The more
God’s Word defines you, the more you will build people up. David says in
Psalm 37:30-31, “30) The mouth of the righteous utters wisdom, and his
tongue speaks justice. 31) The law of his God is in his heart; his steps do not
slip.” How do we speak wisdom instead of gossip? How does that happen?
The law of God is in his heart. God’s Word changes everything!

Second – we build up by speaking gently. Proverbs 15:4, “4) A gentle

tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit.” A gentle
tongue is a tree of life. Does that sound like it builds up? A gentle tongue!
Whereas perverseness breaks the spirit. Be a builder, not a demolisher!

Third – we build up by speaking encouragement. I Thess 5:11, “11)

Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are
doing.” A key priority for our speech – build people up. Don’t talk down
to them. Don’t talk behind their back. Encourage! This one concept is
found almost everywhere building up is discussed. Encouragement
practically equates to building up. Get a major in encouragement. Human
nature wants to do just the opposite revels in tearing people down. But
God’s Spirit urges us to build up by encouraging words, phrases and tones.

A woman, gazing at a wilted plant, says to her husband: “My prize

philodendron! Leroy, what did you say to it?” May I humbly ask this
morning – if we followed behind you, would we find wounded, wilted
people – disheartened by what you have said to them or how you have said
it? A young lady once said to John Wesley, “I think I have discovered what
my talent is.”Wesley said, “Tell me.” She replied, “I think it is to speak my
mind.” Wesley said, “I do not think God would mind if you bury that
talent.”
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C. J. Sproul, one of today’s most prominent theologians, once recalled that
early in his ministry he was asked by an elderly Methodist pastor, "What
do you think the primary purpose of the church is? Do you see the church
as an army or as a hospital?" Challenging question! Being a zealous
seminary student at the time, Sproul replied, "I suppose both dimensions
have to be present, but I see the church primarily as an army, mobilized by
God with the mission of changing the world – the church triumphant. The
wise pastor looked at him sadly and said, "Son, unless the church is first a
hospital it can never become an army." Sproul said, “It took me a few
years to realize the import of what he was saying.” Beloved, we are not
called upon to set people straight. We are called upon to love them back
to health. We are to speak healing words that build up, not tear down.
Healing words. “There is one whose rash words are sword thrusts; but the
tongue of the wise brings healing.”

B. Speech that is Befitting

The ESV translates the phrase “as fits the occasion,” The root word here is
the word “need”. The basic idea is that our speech should match the need.
The New American Standard Bible captures the idea exactly when it
translates “according to the need of the moment.” This idea is beautifully
described in Proverbs 15:23, “23) To make an apt answer is a joy to a man,
and a word in season, how good it is!” An apt answer. Isn't that a beautiful
phrase? An apt answer. Part of uplifting speech.

An apt answer – the ability to determine when encouragement is needed and

give it. It is the ability to determine that some kind of godly counsel is
needed and give it in a loving way. One who speaks befittingly rejoices
with the joyful and mourns with the sorrowful. This person lends a
listening ear – seeks to understand. Befitting speech does not try to correct
or advise when encouragement is in order. On the other hand befitting
speech does not let someone continue on in a sinful pattern when a loving
rebuke is in order. Befitting speech is never harsh or condescending. It is
able to give an apt answer at the right time.

Proverbs 16:21 says, " 21) The wise of heart is called discerning, and
sweetness of speech increases persuasiveness.” Notice how a wise person is
discerning -- able to evaluate the situation under the direction of the Holy
Spirit and then apply the sweetness of speech that will increase persuasion.
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The very word “persuasion” indicates that change is needed. But wisdom
speaks with sweetness. Isn't that a great word? Sweetness. Can you imagine
how our marriages would change if we just always addressed each other
with sweetness? Can you even imagine? Start at home, Beloved. Start at
home to make befitting speech a part of your lifestyle.

I love how Warren Wiersbe once used wisdom and sweetness of speech. He
had resigned as general director of Back to the Bible. A radio listener wrote
a severe letter suggesting that he was out of God’s will. In a gentle but
candid reply, Wiersbe pointed out that either he knew God’s will for his life
or he didn’t. If he did, he had to obey. If he didn’t, he was a dangerous
leader, and the ministry would be better off without him. Either way, it
was a wise thing for him to go. The Lord never led the listener to reply. He
had an apt, befitting answer.

Befitting speech usually involves two things – listening and then asking
God for wisdom. Immediate, off-the-cuff, first reaction comments are
seldom -- seldom appropriate to the need. Jed Harris (US theatrical
producer, 1900-1979) became convinced that he was losing his hearing. He
went to a specialist who gave him a thorough checkup. The doctor pulled
out a gold timepiece and asked, “Can you hear this ticking?” “Of course,”
said Harris. The specialist walked to the door and held up the watch again.
“Now can you hear it?” Harris concentrated and said, “Yes, I can hear it
clearly.” The doctor walked out the door into the next room and said, “Can
you hear it now?” “Yes.” “Mr. Harris,” the doctor said, “there is nothing
wrong with your hearing. You just don’t listen.” So – listen carefully, be
discerning, ask God for wisdom and speak befittingly – as fits the need.

II. So that: We Give the Gift of Grace

We have the opportunity to give the gift of grace by the way we speak. That
cannot happen – repeat – cannot happen when our speech is sarcasm,
criticism, complaint, cantankerousness. One family was gathered for
Thanksgiving dinner -- the whole family over including the wife's parents.
So when the wife asked, “Who wants to carve the turkey?” her father
replied, “You carve him, you married him.” Probably just a joke – but joke
or not, do you think that comment brought the gift of grace? Me neither!

Ephesians 4:29: “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only
such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace
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to those who hear.” Why should we relearn our speech patterns? Lot of
work there. But worth it for Paul says by doing so we “may give grace to
those who hear.” Is that beautiful or what? Does that give you goosebumps
-- to know that what you say can bring grace to the lives of people?
Beloved, I tell you, it matters what we say and how we say it.

The word which is translated "grace" is the same word that is used
throughout the New Testament to speak of the grace of God. It speaks of
God’s unmerited favor – unmerited! Grace is giving someone else what
they do not deserve. And now Paul is saying that by the way we speak we
can be the instrument of grace in people's lives. Our speech can be God’s
instrument to give gifts to people! Wow!

Now – clearly gracious speech is primarily intended to benefit others --

those who hear. But get this -- It benefits us as well! According to Psalm
45:2, it makes us handsome. “You are the most handsome of the sons of
men; grace is poured upon your lips; therefore God has blessed you
forever.” If you're not too crazy about your looks, change your speech. It’s
amazing how quickly gracious speech can make us forget that someone is
not particularly attractive. According to Ecclesiastes 10:12 it wins us
friends. “The words of a wise man’s mouth win him favor, but the lips of a
fool consume him.” Listen – you put off the old man and put on the new
and you can’t help but benefit. But the best benefit of all is the ability to
give a marvelous gift of grace to others by our speech. It's a gift that costs
nothing except the time and attention it takes to think about what we say
and how we say it -- not complaining but comforting; not whining but
winning; not pessimistic but positive. We can learn these things and bring
grace and the lives of the people were around. Isn't this a great calling?

Jesus is our model. We are told in Luke 4:22, "And all spoke well of him
and marveled at the gracious words that were coming from his mouth. He
desires that we have that same kind of speech pattern. Look at Colossians
4:6, " 6) Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you
may know how you ought to answer each person.” A literal translation of
"gracious" is "with grace." “Let your speech always be with grace –
unmerited, unearned, maybe even undeserved favor.” The call is to speak
kindly to people whether they deserve it or not. Isn't that a challenge? Our
words always spoken with grace. Then, the Lord says our speech should be
“seasoned with salt.” That reminds us of Matthew 5:13 the Lord says that
believers are to be the salt of the earth. Salt does two things. It spices things
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up (creates a thirst) and it is a preservative. Speech seasoned with salt
creates a thirst for truth, for the gospel. We have something to address the
blandness and emptiness of a life lived merely for temporal values. Fun
alone eventually leaves an emptiness. Our speech, graciously given, can
ultimately create a thirst for the gospel. Our speech has the power to “give
grace to those who hear.”

Let me give you an example from my personal life. Please understand that
I've done this wrong far more times than I got it right, but it's a truly
wonderful thing when we do get it right. There was a fellow who worked
for me at one time managing a group of program managers. It was a tough
job delivering major software projects with hardware, each worth millions
of dollars. And every program manager was competing for the same
resources for technical support. One day we were having lunch together and
this fellow asked me, "How do you maintain such a calm disposition in the
midst of all this chaos?" I could have done a lot of things in response to that
question. I could've denied that we had chaos. I could have talked to him
about the importance of staying positive. But it was a wide-open
opportunity to talk about Christ and so I told him the truth -- that any calm
or evenness of disposition that he was seeing in me as a direct result of my
faith in Christ. He said that's kind of answer he expected from me, but it
opened the door to explore more fully what it really means to know Christ.

I talked to the same fellow a couple of other times because of some serious
personal issues in his life, but basically he took an agnostic position,
claiming he could not buy the idea of the deity of Christ. Eventually he left
the company and I lost track of him. Several years later he called me out of
the blue on afternoon. He had a question, but it was the lead-in that was
remarkable. He told me how he had ever been able to get away from the
conversations we had and he and his wife had both accepted Christ as their
Savior not long before. They were very involved in evangelistic outreach at
a good church. Exciting! His question had to do with the appropriateness
of his son playing sports on Sunday. We talked for a while and then hung
up. I always wondered if he went on with the Lord.

Fast forward another several years and one night as Patty and I were
entering the large church that we attended at the time someone tapped me
on the shoulder and began to talk. He said, "You don't recognize me, do
you?" I had to admit that I did not. It was the same guy – bearded now and
remarkably older! He was now attending the same church we were, only
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different services. And he was most definitely continuing to follow the
Lord.

Beloved, we never know when God is going to use our speech as a means
of grace in someone's life. It matters what we say and how we say it.

Conclusion

Let me close with this. I think all of us, including me above all, are way
worse than we think at being gracious in our speech. If someone hung a tape
recorder around our neck for the next week, we would all be ashamed of the
amount of complaining, gossip, unkind words, and other speech disorders
that we would find there. But it need not be so. We can change. We can
submit to the Holy Spirit daily and practice gracious speaking. We will
learn to love giving the gift of gracious speech.

John Trent, a Christian counselor and writer tells of a little girl named Mary
who knew she was different from the other kids, and she hated it. Born with
a cleft palate she had to bear the jokes and stares of cruel children who
teased her non-stop about her misshaped lip, crooked nose, and garbled
speech. Mary grew up hating the fact that she was “different.” She was
convinced that no one, outside her family, could ever love her. Then she
entered Mrs. Leonard’s class. Mrs. Leonard had a warm smile, a round
face, and shiny brown hair. Mary came to love Mrs. Leonard.

In the 1950’s, it was common for teachers to give their children an annual
hearing test. Mary could barely hear out of one ear. Determined to avoid
another “difference” Mary faked her way through. The “whisper test” was
required a child walk to the classroom door, turn sideways, close one ear
with a finger, and then repeat something which the teacher whispered.
Mary turned her bad ear towards her teacher and pretended to cover her
good ear. She knew that teachers would often say things like, “The sky is
blue,” or “What color are your shoes?” But not that day. Surely, God put
seven words in Mrs. Leonard’s mouth that changed Mary’s life forever.
When the “Whisper test” came, Mary heard the words: “I wish you were my
little girl.”

Those simple words changed that little girl’s whole life. They brought
grace. Do you see the power of speech? With God’s help, let us cultivate
gracious speech – starting at home and moving to every area of our
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existence. Proverbs 12:18 says, “18) There is one whose rash words are like
sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” Believe me, it
matters what we say and how we say it.