How​ ​to​ ​‘Make​ ​It’​ ​in​ ​the​ ​Art​ ​World

20​ ​Easy​ ​Tips​ ​for​ ​Young​ ​Artists​ ​of​ ​Color​ ​(YACs)

​ ​by​ ​Guillermo​ ​Gómez-Peña

If​ ​you​ ​are​ ​young,​ ​ambitious​ ​and​ ​brown,​ ​here​ ​we​ ​offer​ ​you​ ​these​ ​simple
instructions​ ​to​ ​"make​ ​it"​ ​in​ ​the​ ​seductive​ ​world​ ​of​ ​limitless​ ​gallery​ ​walls​ ​in
less​ ​than​ ​one​ ​month​ ​...​ ​put/a-tension!

Uno​:​ ​To​ ​look​ ​more​ ​auténtico,​ ​vato,​ ​grow​ ​a​ ​mustache.​ ​And​ ​if​ ​you​ ​are
female…también!​ ​Pero,​ ​don’t​ ​grow​ ​a​ ​huge​ ​beard​ ​unless​ ​you​ ​live​ ​in
Afghanistan.​ ​If​ ​you​ ​are​ ​an​ ​Afghani​ ​woman​ ​artist,​ ​wear​ ​a​ ​burka.​ ​But​ ​please,
wear​ ​a​ ​mini-skirt​ ​upon​ ​exiting​ ​the​ ​gallery.​ ​Burkas​ ​are​ ​scary​ ​in​ ​real​ ​life.

Dos​:​ ​Nurture​ ​your​ ​accent.​ ​If​ ​you​ ​don’t​ ​have​ ​one…hire​ ​a​ ​voice​ ​coach!

Tres​:​ ​Get​ ​a​ ​tan.​ ​‘Tropi-loco​ ​micro-mist’​ ​spray-on​ ​self-tanner​ ​will​ ​do.

Cuatro​:​ ​Learn​ ​how​ ​to​ ​dance​ ​salsa,​ ​zumba​ ​or​ ​merengue​ ​with​ ​curators.​ ​Over
do​ ​it.​ ​They​ ​love​ ​it!​ ​Señoritas:​ ​learn​ ​to​ ​shake​ ​your​ ​hips.​ ​Remember​ ​Shakira:
the​ ​more​ ​you​ ​shake,​ ​the​ ​more​ ​money​ ​and​ ​friends​ ​you​ ​make!

Cinco​:​ ​Appear​ ​only​ ​mildly​ ​intelligent.​ ​If​ ​you​ ​outsmart​ ​the​ ​young​ ​curators
and​ ​critics​ ​and​ ​then​ ​frighten​ ​the​ ​theorists,​ ​they​ ​won’t​ ​write​ ​about​ ​you.

Seis​:​ ​Act​ ​cool,​ ​muy​ ​suave​ ​and​ ​discrete.​ ​Don’t​ ​vehemently​ ​express​ ​your
political​ ​or​ ​artistic​ ​beliefs,​ ​‘cause​ ​you​ ​may​ ​be​ ​perceived​ ​as
“unsophisticated.”​ ​You​ ​can​ ​talk​ ​about​ ​your​ ​grandmother’s​ ​mole​ ​recipe,​ ​to
be​ ​on​ ​the​ ​safe​ ​side.​ ​If​ ​you​ ​don’t​ ​know​ ​how​ ​to​ ​make​ ​mole,​ ​google​ ​it​ ​pendejo!

Siete:​​ ​Don’t​ ​attend​ ​too​ ​many​ ​art​ ​openings…unless​ ​you​ ​are​ ​hungry.​ ​It’s
important​ ​to​ ​only​ ​be​ ​a​ ​partial​ ​insider.​ ​If​ ​you​ ​become​ ​too​ ​visible,​ ​people​ ​get
tired​ ​of​ ​you​ ​and​ ​there​ ​are​ ​always​ ​100​ ​younger​ ​&​ ​better​ ​looking​ ​bohemian
Latino/a​ ​or​ ​indigenous​ ​artists​ ​waiting​ ​for​ ​their​ ​turn​ ​to​ ​replace​ ​you.

Ocho​:​ ​Don’t​ ​walk​ ​into​ ​art​ ​openings​ ​with​ ​a​ ​big​ ​smile​ ​on​ ​your​ ​face​ ​and​ ​your
portfolio​ ​under​ ​your​ ​arm.​ ​It’s​ ​pathetic!
Nueve​:​ ​Don’t​ ​constantly​ ​take​ ​photos​ ​of​ ​the​ ​famous​ ​artists​ ​in​ ​the​ ​room,
unless​ ​you​ ​do​ ​it​ ​secretly.

Diez​:​ ​Don’t​ ​show​ ​up​ ​with​ ​ten​ ​relatives​ ​to​ ​a​ ​Museum​ ​opening.​ ​The​ ​art​ ​world
is​ ​definitely​ ​not​ ​family-friendly.​ ​Better​ ​to​ ​leave​ ​your​ ​familia​ ​at​ ​home.​ ​Even
better,​ ​rent​ ​them​ ​a​ ​one-bedroom​ ​flat​ ​in​ ​the​ ​marginal​ ​yet​ ​bohemian
up-and-coming​ ​part​ ​of​ ​town​ ​so​ ​you​ ​can​ ​claim​ ​to​ ​be​ ​from​ ​there.​ ​If​ ​you​ ​are
sharing​ ​a​ ​house​ ​with​ ​10​ ​other​ ​art​ ​hipsters​ ​and​ ​your​ ​studio​ ​is​ ​in​ ​the​ ​kitchen,
don’t​ ​ever​ ​bring​ ​a​ ​curator​ ​over...unless​ ​you​ ​are​ ​planning​ ​an​ ​orgy.

Once​:​ ​Don’t​ ​be​ ​the​ ​first​ ​one​ ​to​ ​arrive​ ​or​ ​the​ ​last​ ​one​ ​to​ ​leave​ ​a​ ​cocktail
party.​ ​Once​ ​there,​ ​don’t​ ​engage​ ​for​ ​too​ ​long​ ​with​ ​one​ ​particular​ ​individual.
Work​ ​the​ ​crowd.​ ​Spend​ ​20​ ​seconds​ ​max.​ ​with​ ​each​ ​interesting-looking
person​ ​and​ ​move​ ​on.​ ​Otherwise,​ ​grab​ ​a​ ​glass​ ​of​ ​wine​ ​and​ ​stand​ ​in​ ​the
corner​ ​looking​ ​like​ ​you​ ​are​ ​full​ ​of​ ​angst.​ ​Wear​ ​dark​ ​glasses​ ​to​ ​protect
yourself​ ​from​ ​social​ ​anxiety.

Doce​:​ ​When​ ​an​ ​enthusiastic​ ​gallery​ ​owner​ ​asks​ ​you,​ ​“Hey​ ​Paco,​ ​do​ ​you
know​ ​so​ ​and​ ​so​ ​the​ ​artist?​ ​He’s​ ​also​ ​Mexican!”​ ​take​ ​a​ ​deep​ ​breath​ ​and
politely​ ​answer:​ ​“No,​ ​I​ ​don’t.​ ​Can​ ​you​ ​please​ ​introduce​ ​me​ ​to​ ​him?​ ​I​ ​am
looking​ ​for​ ​a​ ​guitarron​ ​player​ ​for​ ​my​ ​mariachi​ ​band…or​ ​perhaps​ ​together
we​ ​can​ ​start​ ​a​ ​local​ ​chapter​ ​of​ ​a​ ​Norteño​ ​gang.”​ ​If​ ​he/she​ ​does​ ​not​ ​know
you​ ​are​ ​actually​ ​joking,​ ​it’s​ ​time​ ​for​ ​you​ ​to​ ​move​ ​on​ ​to​ ​the​ ​next​ ​opening
down​ ​the​ ​street.

Trece​:​ ​If​ ​you​ ​get​ ​muy​ ​borracho​ ​at​ ​the​ ​art​ ​opening,​ ​just​ ​speak​ ​in​ ​Spanish​ ​or
esperanto​ ​or​ ​fake​ ​nahuatl.​ ​They’ll​ ​think​ ​it’s​ ​cute​ ​and​ ​will​ ​become​ ​enamored
with​ ​you.

Catorce​:​ ​Don’t​ ​get​ ​resentful​ ​when​ ​you​ ​discover​ ​there’s​ ​another​ ​“young
artist​ ​of​ ​color”​ ​mingling​ ​at​ ​the​ ​“very​ ​exclusive​ ​party”​ ​you​ ​were​ ​invited​ ​to.
Feel​ ​compassion​ ​for​ ​him.​ ​He​ ​is​ ​is​ ​probably​ ​as​ ​lost​ ​and​ ​lonely​ ​as​ ​you​ ​are.
But​ ​definitely​ ​don’t​ ​mingle​ ​with​ ​him.​ ​Just​ ​give​ ​him​ ​the​ ​thumbs​ ​up​ ​every​ ​half
hour.

Quince:​​ ​A​ ​caveat:​ ​At​ ​the​ ​end​ ​of​ ​the​ ​opening,​ ​you​ ​can​ ​both​ ​have​ ​your
picture​ ​taken​ ​with​ ​a​ ​rich​ ​Museum​ ​Patron​ ​in​ ​between​ ​the​ ​two​ ​of​ ​you​ ​for​ ​the
gallery’s​ ​next​ ​fundraising​ ​letter.​ ​You​ ​can​ ​both​ ​discreetly​ ​grab​ ​the​ ​Patron’s
nalgas​ ​during​ ​the​ ​staging​ ​of​ ​the​ ​photo.​ ​They​ ​will​ ​LOVE​ ​you​ ​for​ ​that.
Dieciseis​:​ ​Don’t​ ​share​ ​anecdotes​ ​of​ ​recently​ ​experienced​ ​racism​ ​or
homophobia​ ​with​ ​someone​ ​you​ ​just​ ​met​ ​at​ ​an​ ​art​ ​event.​ ​No​ ​matter​ ​how​ ​hip
they​ ​look,​ ​they​ ​may​ ​not​ ​be​ ​on​ ​your​ ​side​ ​of​ ​the​ ​story.​ ​Scary,​ ​pero​ ​cierto.

Diecisiete​:​ ​Never​ ​upload​ ​goofy​ ​photos​ ​of​ ​yourself​ ​and​ ​artsy​ ​friends​ ​to
Facebook​ ​with​ ​pretentious​ ​titles​ ​such​ ​as​ ​“Hanging​ ​out​ ​@​ ​the​ ​Bilbao
Guggenheim”​ ​or​ ​“Crashing​ ​a​ ​Matthew​ ​Barney​ ​opening.”​ ​Se​ ​ve​ ​chafa!

Dieciocho​:​ ​Don’t​ ​constantly​ ​upload​ ​bad​ ​videos​ ​of​ ​your​ ​informal​ ​homemade
performances​ ​on​ ​YouTube.​ ​You​ ​are​ ​making​ ​it​ ​harder​ ​for​ ​other​ ​performane
artists​ ​to​ ​become​ ​legitimized​ ​by​ ​pop​ ​culture.​ ​Leave​ ​that​ ​job​ ​to​ ​Marina
Abramovic​ ​or​ ​Lady​ ​Gaga.

Diecinueve​:​ ​When​ ​a​ ​really​ ​sweet​ ​but​ ​bad​ ​artist​ ​asks​ ​your​ ​opinion​ ​of​ ​his/her
work,​ ​you​ ​are​ ​in​ ​an​ ​impossible​ ​situation:​ ​if​ ​you​ ​tell​ ​the​ ​truth,​ ​you​ ​will​ ​have
an​ ​enemy​ ​for​ ​life.​ ​If​ ​you​ ​lie,​ ​well,​ ​you​ ​become​ ​a​ ​liar.​ ​So​ ​what​ ​to​ ​do?​ ​Just​ ​tell
him/her​ ​you​ ​don’t​ ​know​ ​enough​ ​about​ ​their​ ​work​ ​to​ ​have​ ​an​ ​informed
opinion​ ​and…slowly​ ​walk​ ​away…Now,​ ​if​ ​you​ ​are​ ​already​ ​in​ ​bed​ ​with​ ​them,
well…you​ ​are​ ​literally​ ​fucked!

Veinte​:​ ​Loco,​ ​if​ ​one​ ​day,​ ​you​ ​suddenly​ ​realize​ ​that​ ​there​ ​are​ ​more
anthropologists​ ​than​ ​art​ ​critics​ ​writing​ ​about​ ​your​ ​work…start​ ​to​ ​worry.​ ​You
have​ ​been…taxonomized!

These​ ​20​ ​easy-to-follow​ ​instructions​ ​are​ ​guaranteed​ ​to​ ​work.​ ​Soon​ ​to
come:​ ​the​ ​secrets​ ​on​ ​how​ ​to​ ​become​ ​an​ ​art​ ​critic​ ​in​ ​the​ ​post-ironic​ ​Age​ ​of
Imperial​ ​Decline​ ​&​ ​neo-nationalism​ ​on​ ​steroids.

Stay​ ​tuned...y​ ​no​ ​me​ ​hagan​ ​caso!