As has been widely reported in the media, a second contestant from the TV show "

Hell's Kitchen" has committed suicide.

It's a gray area to correlate these suicides with the belittling comments and in
timidation from the TV Show's host, Gordon Ramsey, but it's not a gray area to r
ealize that our actions have ripple effects.
For example, I recall a time when a manager came to me quite distraught. Her sen
ior manager had insulted and belittled her in front of her co-workers and subord
inates. The senior manager thought it would motivate her to strive for higher le
vels of performance, but it didn't work. She told me "I can hardly face my team.
I don't even feel like showing up to work any more."
Anyone who supervises others should adhere to a long-standing and excellent mana
gement principle: Praise in public, criticize in private.
Sadly, many managers aren't taught this they're only praised for the results they
achieve, no matter how they achieve them. When this happens for any length of ti
me, the idea of "the end justifies the means" gets reinforced. And what's the ri
pple effect of that? It's easy for managers to morph into bullies.
Do they intend to become bullies? Not usually. According to Executive Coach and
author Laura Crawshaw, in her book Taming the Abrasive Manager, bullies don't se
e the impact of their behaviors on their co-workers. According to Crawshaw, "the
y are blind or ignorant or both. When it comes to emotions, abrasive bosses are
blinder than bats."
Crawshaw goes on to point out that bullies truly believe they are not causing da
mage, but rather striving to achieve results and don't understand why others aren'
t striving as hard.
As a case in point, I recently received an email from a senior manager who took
a DISC Assessment for an upcoming teambuilding workshop. The person had issues w
ith how she was described in her profile, saying the verbiage put her in a bad l
ight.
After looking at this manager's profile (I should clarify that I am certified in
DISC and have been conducting DISC workshops for 15 years), I noted she scored
very high in Dominance (get it done now) and very low in Steadiness (steady pace
). In other words, she has little patience for slower moving people and isn't af
raid to tell them so.
In her email, she was in utter disbelief that others might view her the way the
DISC report described. It's not that she disagreed with how the report described
her behaviors (she actually agreed with the report's findings), but rather how
others might view those behaviors.
She was further offended at the suggestion that she should exhibit more patience
and ask questions of others to ensure they understand their assignments.
I'll be more diplomatic in a workshop, but my initial thought after receiving he
r email was "the truth hurts, doesn't it? You don't see yourself as being a bull
y, but many others do."
The core issue here is how we try to motivate others. Bullies don't see themselv
es as bullying, but trying to out-bully a bully is not an effective approach (yo
u can't out-bully a bully). People who are harsh on others must be shown that th
eir negative words and actions have long-term negative consequences. They must b
e led - not pushed - into seeing a bigger picture. It's really an education proc
ess that must occur.
Is that process easy? Hardly. Driver-type personalities are usually more focused
on winning than anything else. Therefore, they often ask "why take time to lear
n another (longer) way to get results when my 'in your face' intimidation is wor
king fine?"
Take Gordon Ramsey, for instance. He knows that confrontation creates controvers
y, that controversy creates ratings, and with higher ratings he can charge more
for advertising and make more money. Still, it's high time someone showed him th
e true cost of his quest for results.
No, I won't draw a direct correlation between his obnoxious behavior and the sui
cide of two of his contestants. But I WILL state that I believe his comments wer
e a contributing factor in both of those deaths. And now, this week a wife has l
ost her husband and three children have lost their dad.
Bottom line: Being in a position of authority over someone is a great responsibi
lity. Think about the ripple effects of your words before you use them. To you t
hey might be "just words" but they can leave scars that never heal, even though
those scars cannot be seen.
If you don't care that your negative words might affect people negatively, then
I suggest you shouldn't be a manager.